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The Six Strategies Women Always Try and The
Only Strategy That Actually Works
I learned a lot about who was suffering from the
Irritable Male Syndrome from letters I received
from men and women. Here are two that are typical
of many. A 32-year-old man writes, “Over the
past 3 years especially, I have noticed that my
relationship with my wife has begun to deteriorate.
In the past there were open displays of affection
and frequent verbal affirmations. Now, I seem to be
irritable all the time. My attitude seems to be
‘don't come near me, don't talk to me, I had a
hard day, I want the entire world to piss
off’. She now rarely tries to hug me, never
initiates sex, and talks to me probably about half
as much as she used to. It's gotten to the point
where I find out what's going on in her life from
my mother or sisters. We’re both
miserable.
A 57 year old woman sends a terse letter about
the man she lives with. “Last January a man
came home from work with my husbands face but did
not act at all like him. I've known this man for 30
years, married 22 of them and have never met THIS
guy before. Mean, nasty, and cruel are just a few
words to describe him.”
Women inevitably try one thing after another to
help their guy. “I love him and I can’t
stand to see him feeling so miserable,” one
woman told me. Another said she had to find a
solution in order to maintain her own sanity.
“He’s driving me nuts. No matter what I
do I can’t seem to do anything right. One
minute he is as nice as can be. The next, he acts
like I’m contaminated and can’t stand to
be near me.”
1. The first strategy is to ignore the problem,
hoping it is temporary and will soon improve. You
may tell yourself that he's just having stresses at
work or the kids are at a particularly difficult
stage. You think that these kinds of problems are
part of life, that every marriage has its ups and
downs, and things will soon improve. They won't.
They'll likely get worse unless you do something
differently.
2. The second strategy is to try harder to be
nice, while he continues to be mean. Many of us,
particularly women, are trained to be helpful and
supportive. When your partner is obviously in pain
you want to make things better. You try to be
understanding and caring. You think this works, but
it actually makes things worse. The nicer you are
the more guilty he feels about the way he is
acting. Guilt leads to sadness and depression which
in this case leads to more anger.
3. The third strategy is to blame yourself.
After being criticized and blamed for everything
from putting on weight to being less available for
sex, you begin to think that maybe he is right. You
know you aren't perfect and you have been
overwhelmed with things lately. You start to feel
guilty and ashamed. Stop it! This isn't your fault
any more than his getting a disease like diabetes
is your fault.
4. The forth strategy is to blame him. You don't
understand why or how, but it's clear that he's
changed. He acts like a real S.O.B. He's become
disrespectful and mean. Sometimes you let him know
directly what you think of him. At other times you
make sarcastic comments that you know cut him to
the quick. But hey, he started it. Maybe giving him
a dose of his own medicine will wake him up. Well,
it won't. It will just make you feel as lousy as he
does.
5. The fifth strategy is to try and get him to
change. You are sure that if only you could get him
the help he needs things would get back to normal.
You drop hints and you tell him directly that he
needs to see someone--a doctor, a therapist, a
counselor, a priest--anyone that can help him get
well. You don't really think you're trying to
change him, just help him. It doesn't work. He just
feels more pressured.
6. The sixth strategy is to change yourself to
become the person you think he wants. He clearly
seems to be distancing himself, physically and
emotionally. You're frightened and at times
panicked. You think that if you could lose the
weight, be more available, dress more sexily, be
more adventuresome, he will turn back towards you
and want you again. No, no, and no! First, changing
yourself to please someone else will make you
miserable. Second, he doesn't really know what he
wants. As soon as you change one way, he wants you
to be the other way. One minute he is the nice and
helpful Dr. Jekyll. Without warning, however, he
changes into the angry and aggressive Mr. Hyde.
The one strategy that will work, but is harder
than hell to practice.
So, what’s a woman to do? You love this
guy, but you respect yourself. You don’t want
to leave him, but you’re not willing to be the
recipient of his abuse. The first thing you need to
do is take care of yourself. To do that, you must
remind yourself that you are not to blame for his
behavior. If he came down with the flu and he was
congested and out of sorts you wouldn’t blame
yourself, would you? But he is not to blame either.
He is acting the way he does because he is
“sick,” not in the physical sense, but on
an emotional level.
Once you stop blaming yourself and stop blaming
him, you can get back to being nice to you. Take a
break, visit friends, go shopping, walk—do
something to make yourself feel good. When you are
feeling in better balance, then you can approach
him. You want to tell him how you feel and what you
need. You might say something like this:
“Henry (Only use Henry if that’s his
name. If his name is John, it’s better to call
him John), I know you have been feeling frustrated
and angry lately and God knows I have been out of
sorts myself. I want you to do something for me
because when you do it will make me feel wonderful
and I love it when you make me feel wonderful. I
want to you tell me three things you like about me.
Would you be willing to do that?”
Don’t get discouraged if things don’t
change immediately. That’s why you need to
keep taking care of yourself. Men who are suffering
from Irritable Male Syndrome feel worse when they
know they are treating their partner poorly. In
their minds, their bad behavior is justified
because they feel they are being treated badly.
It’s as though they are looking at you through
glasses that make everything look negative and
ugly. Your job is to offer him a different pair of
glasses to look through. You need to get the guy to
break the cycle of what Alcoholics Anonymous calls
“Stinkin’ Thinkin’.”
Deep inside he knows you are not so bad. He just
needs to get his mind looking in a positive
direction. He needs to look at the world through
new lenses. This is what you do when you ask him to
tell you three things he likes about you. It will
be difficult at first, but the more you ask, the
more he will offer. Once he reminds himself of a
few things he likes about you, he will begin to
recognize more things and a positive cycle of
appreciation can get rolling. Give it a try and let
me know how it works out.
©2010 Jed
Diamond
See Books,
Issues
+ Suicide
* * *
Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy
wealth. - Henry David Thoreau
Jed Diamond
is the internationally best-selling author of nine
books including Male
Menopause,
The
Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes
of Depression and
Aggression. and
Mr.
Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable
Male Syndrome. His
upcoming book, Tapping Power: A Man’s Guide to
Eliminating Pain, Stress, Anger, Depression and
Other Ills Using the Revolutionary Tools of Energy
Psychology will be available next year. For over 38
years he has been a leader in the field of men's
health. He is a member of the International
Scientific Board of the World Congress on
Men’s Health and has been on the Board of
Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its
founding in 1992. His work has been featured in
major newspapers throughout the United States
including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall
Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA
Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000
radio and T.V. programs including The View with
Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside
Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth,
Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did
a nationally televised special on Male Menopause
for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback.
E-Mail.
You can visit his website at www.menalive.com
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