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Are You a Master at Work but a Disaster at
Love?
I’ve always been successful in my work life,
but my love life has been a challenge. I had my
first job when I was eight years old. I recognized
that everyone I knew sent out Christmas or holiday
cards in December and I figured that I could make
some money selling cards to my neighbors. I found a
company that sent me a book of sample cards that
people could choose from, fill in the personalized
greeting they wanted, and pay me for the quantity
of cards they wanted. I sent half the money to the
card company and got to keep the other half. I made
enough money to buy presents for family and friends
and have a little left over to start the new year
off right.
That led to bigger and better jobs, first as a
paperboy and later I learned that I could make
money buying and selling coins. At age nine I took
the bus from our home in the San Fernando Valley
into Hollywood to go to coin shows. When I learned
that coin dealers at the shows got a discount
buying coins from other dealers, I had business
cards printed. “Jed Diamond, Dealer in Rare
Coins” and demanded my dealer discount when I
attended the next coin show.
I could go on and on about my business ventures
including becoming a successful marriage and family
therapist and author of seventeen books on various
aspects of relationship health including
international best-sellers such as Looking for Love
in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and
Sexual Addictions, my first widely read book that
spoke to problems I had gone through in my personal
life and what I had learned that would help
others.
In Looking for Love, I said:
“When we find that our romantic
relationships are a series of disappointments
yet we continue to pursue them, we are looking
for love in all the wrong places. When we are
overwhelmed by our physical attraction to a new
person, when the chemistry feels
‘fantastic,’ and we are sure that this
time we have found someone who will make us
whole, we are looking for love in all the wrong
places. When we are in a committed relationship
but find ourselves constantly attracted to
others, we are looking for love in all the wrong
places. When our desire for more sex, different
sex, or hotter sex, keeps us looking on-line for
our latest fix, we are looking for love in all
the wrong places.”
Like many of you, I did my share of looking for
love in all the wrong places. I even developed a
mathematical representation of it. We often view
marriage as a way to make us whole and complete.
The formula is ½ to ½ = 1. But I learned
that trying to get another person to complete you
actually creates a formula for disaster: ½ x
½ = ¼.
When you visit my website you’ll see my
introductory video, “Confessions
of a Twice-Divorced Marriage
Counselor.” I share what I went
through with a first marriage and couldn’t
survive the stresses of raising children and
attempting to stimulate our flagging sex lives by
exploring the world of polyamory and open marriage.
My second marriage was to a woman who slept with a
gun under her pillow…”to protect myself
from men,” she told me, should have been a tip
off to run the other way. But when you become
addicted to the rush of excitement and danger, we
become like confused homing pigeons flying headlong
in the opposite direction and soon crash.
The 5 Stages of Love and Why Too Many
Relationships Crash at Stage 3
Rather than follow my old pattern of going
through the grief of an ending, burying myself in
my work, eventually getting lonely, and going out
looking for love again; I tried something new. I
decided to do some serious reflecting on my love
life. I found a good therapist, attended a number
of retreats on trauma, healing, and how we can find
real lasting love, and took the time I needed to
sort things out.
Looking back, I realize I had taken the skills
that allowed me to be successful at
work—Learning from experts, engaging what I
learned, getting support, and creating a new way of
looking at my life—and applying them to my
love life. I’m more than happy to report that
“the third time was the charm.” Carlin
and I have been together for 42 wonderful years. I
wrote about what we learned in my book, The
Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages
of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to
Come.
We all want real, lasting love, whether we are
in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond. Yet too many
marriages fall apart and most people don’t
know why. They mistakenly believe that they have
chosen the wrong partner. After going through the
grieving process, they start looking again. But
after more than forty years as a marriage and
family counselor I have found that most people are
looking for love in all the wrong places. They
don’t understand that Stage 3 is not the end,
but the real beginning for achieving real, lasting
love:
- Stage 1: Falling In Love
- Stage 2: Becoming a Couple
- Stage 3: Disillusionment
- Stage 4: Creating Real, Lasting Love
- Stage 5: Using the Power of Two to Change
the World
Like many people I grew up thinking that love
and marriage were easy and straightforward. You had
fun dating until you met that special someone and
magically fell in love. You became a couple and
lived happily ever after. Clearly, real-life
wasn’t like that. After a certain amount of
time, we become disillusioned with our partner and
the way we are in the relationship, eventually
become more distant, and eventually things break
down.
Yet, it doesn’t have to be that way.
A Retreat for Men Who Have Gone Through a
Breakup, But Want to Learn the Secrets of Real
Lasting Love
For years, I offered counseling for men who had
gone through a breakup and wanted to come through
the grieving process with new understandings about
what went wrong and what they could do to create a
better future. I also counseled women, but I seemed
to attract many men. They were mostly over 40 and
pretty successful in their work lives but were
struggling in their love lives.
I also offered retreats for guys who wanted to
give themselves a true gift of love: Learning from
one who has been there the secrets of creating an
intimate partnership that not only lasts through
the years but becomes better and better.
Then Covid came to visit our world and we
couldn’t do our retreats. Now, for the first
time in a while, I will be offering a retreat for a
small group of men. And I will be joined by two
experienced colleagues, one male and one female, to
give the men an experience they have never had, in
a beautiful, and relaxed setting where they can
learn the skills they will need to have the
relationship they’ve always dreamed of
having.
The retreat will take place March 16-19, 2023
and will be for men who:
- Have been through a breakup, which could be
recent, or sometime in the past.
- May still be going through the
disorientation, pain, and confusion or may be
coming through to the other side.
- Are starting to reach out again or may even
be in a new relationship.
What you have in common is that you still
believe in love, but don’t have a lot of time
to waste. If this sounds like you, drop me a
note to Jed@Menalive.com
and put “retreat” in the subject
line. I will get back to you and set up a time
to talk in person, to hear more about your needs,
and tell you more about the retreat. We are
limiting the group to 12 men so you will get the
personal attention you deserve.
If this sounds like something you’d like to
do or if you know someone who might like to join
us, please pass this on. I look forward to hearing
from you. If you are thinking “next year,
I’m going to have the relationship I need and
want,” 2023 could be the year for you.
©2023 Jed
Diamond
See Books,
Issues
+ Suicide
* * *
Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy
wealth. - Henry David Thoreau
Jed Diamond
is the internationally best-selling author of seven
books including Male
Menopause, now
translated into 17 foreign languages and his
latest book, The
Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes
of Depression and
Aggression. For over
38 years he has been a leader in the field of men's
health. He is a member of the International
Scientific Board of the World Congress on
Men’s Health and has been on the Board of
Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its
founding in 1992. His work has been featured in
major newspapers throughout the United States
including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall
Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA
Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000
radio and T.V. programs including The View with
Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside
Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth,
Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did
a nationally televised special on Male Menopause
for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback.
E-Mail.
You can visit his website at www.menalive.com
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