|
“Hell Hath No Fury like a Man
Devalued”
These are the opening words of the book
Eve’s Seed: Biology, the Sexes, and the
Course of History by Robert S. McElvaine. They
could also be the words of the millions of men
today experiencing the Irritable Male Syndrome
In our computer economy, the blue-collar labor
that was usually the province of men is being
supplanted by what Peter Drucker calls
“knowledge workers.” Drucker believes
that those who are smart, educated, and computer
literate, the “gold-collar workers, will be
able to write their own career tickets. Career
advancement has always been a part of men’s
feeling of self respect. In the world of the future
more and more men will lack the education to
compete for the best jobs. Demographers predict
that by 2007, 9.2 million American women and only
6.9 million American men will be enrolled in
college.” says Fisher. “The contrast is
even greater among part-time, adult, and minority
students. Women are also gradually closing the
education gap in much of the rest of the
world.”
Women have always been better than men at
“people skills.” They tune in to
others’ feelings and are more empathic. These
skills have enabled women to be good mothers and
increasingly in the work place, excellent
employees. Surprisingly, it was John D. Rockefeller
who said, “The ability to deal with people is
as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And
I pay more for that ability than for any other
under the sun.”
Neuroscientists currently believe that
interpersonal sensitivity, a conglomerate of
aptitudes they call “executive social
skills” or “social cognition,”
resides in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the
brain behind the brow. Those with a
well-functioning prefrontal cortex are aware of the
feelings of others, pick up on emotional
expressions and body language, and are adept at
maintaining good social relationships with friends,
family and co-workers.
Neuroscientist David Skuse believes that women
are more likely than men to acquire the genetic
endowment for developing these vital social skills.
The reason, he believes, is that there is a
specific gene or cluster of genes on the X
chromosome that influences the formation of the
prefrontal cortex. He found that this gene or gene
cluster is silenced in 100% of men but active in
about 50% of women. Hence about half of all women
and no men have the brain architecture to excel at
perceiving the nuances of social interplay. This
doesn’t mean that the other 50% of women and
all us men can’t learn these skills. It just
means we have to work harder at it.
Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen is professor of psychology
and psychiatry at Cambridge University. He has been
researching sex differences for over twenty years.
In his recent book, The Essential Difference: The
Truth About the Male & Female Brain, he details
the latest research in the field. His conclusions
are both startling and clear-cut. “The subject
of essential sex differences in the mind is clearly
very delicate,” he cautions us. But the
findings substantiate the fact that males and
females are different, in large measure because of
the different ways our brains are structured.
“The female brain is predominantly hard-wired
for empathy,” he tells us. “The male
brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding
and building systems.”
Emotions Guide Our Direction in Life and Men
Have Difficulty Expressing Their Feelings
The various mental states we call emotions have
evolved through eons of time to help us meet
life’s challenges. It is our emotions that let
us know when we are on the right path in life.
“Negative emotions—fear, sadness, and
anger, says psychologist Martin Seligman, “are
our first line of defense against external threats,
calling us to battle stations. Fear is a signal
that danger is lurking, sadness is a signal that
loss is impending, and anger signals someone
trespassing against us.”
Until recently the possible purpose of positive
emotions for our survival was not considered. In
1998 psychologist Barbara Fredrickson published a
paper titled “What Good Are Positive Emotions.
Seligman who is the primary founder of the field of
Positive Psychology said, “Fredrickson claims
that positive emotions have a grand purpose in
evolution. They broaden our abiding intellectual,
physical, and social resources, building up
reserves we can draw upon when a threat or
opportunity presents itself.” It is our
emotions that give color to our lives. Feeling our
feelings and sharing what is inside us with others
creates the bond that is the foundation of
love.
Yet most men I know are very limited in our
ability to experience a range of feelings let alone
to put those feelings into words. One of the most
common questions a woman will ask a man when she
wants to get closer to him is “what are you
feeling?” For most men the response is “I
don’t know.” Women, on average, are more
aware of their emotions, show more empathy, and are
more adept interpersonally.
Alexithymia is a condition where a person is
unable to describe emotion in words.
Frequently, alexithymic individuals are unaware
of what their feelings are. Dr. Ron Levant, a
professor at Harvard University, coined the
technical term "normative male alexithymia" to
describe the general emotional restriction most men
experience. His own research and that of many
others indicates that most North American males
suffer to some degree from the conditioning of our
culture which causes men to be underdeveloped
emotionally.
His research shows that men have developed two
primary responses to emotional issues. For
vulnerable feelings including fear, hurt and shame,
he sees men using anger as the "manly" response.
For nurturing feelings, including caring, warmth,
connectedness and intimacy, he sees men channeling
these feelings through sex. It is called normative
because his research shows that this limited dual
response of anger or sex is the norm for men.
For most of us we are playing on an instrument
with only two strings. Women have a whole orchestra
to choose from. For many of us we alternate playing
the note, “I’m pissed,” or
“Let’s have sex.” It can be a pretty
limiting repertoire, made even worse when men are
going through IMS. However, psychotherapist Tom
Golden, who works extensively with men suggests
that men may feel as strongly as women, but have
difficulty expressing themselves. Asking a man to
tell you how he feels may not be the best way to
find out what’s really going on inside
him.
“When a man had suffered a loss, I started
asking them not what he was feeling, but what he
was doing about it. I was delighted at that point
to see that when I asked the right questions, in
the right manner, I started seeing things in a very
different light. The men started talking to me
about what they were doing. This was familiar
territory. As the men talked of their endeavors,
the emotions flowed in a comfortable manner
feelings differently.”
What do you think? How do you feel? What’s
your experience with feelings? Do men feel less,
express feelings differently than women, or have
different feelings? I’d like to hear your
thoughts. You can e-mail me at Jed@menalive.com
©2010 Jed
Diamond
See Books,
Issues
+ Suicide
* * *
Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy
wealth. - Henry David Thoreau
Jed Diamond
is the internationally best-selling author of seven
books including Male
Menopause, now
translated into 17 foreign languages and his
latest book, The
Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes
of Depression and
Aggression. For over
38 years he has been a leader in the field of men's
health. He is a member of the International
Scientific Board of the World Congress on
Men’s Health and has been on the Board of
Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its
founding in 1992. His work has been featured in
major newspapers throughout the United States
including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall
Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA
Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000
radio and T.V. programs including The View with
Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside
Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth,
Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did
a nationally televised special on Male Menopause
for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback.
E-Mail.
You can visit his website at www.menalive.com
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2019, Gordon Clay
|
