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Caregiving: Intimacy and Exhaustion Part
2
In Part 1, I talked about Carlin’s slip on the
wet sidewalk and subsequent events of her hip
surgery. Here I would like to talk about
caregiving. For those who have done full-time
caregiving for a loved one, you know how rewarding
and exhausting it can be. I had never been a
full-time caregiver before. The only thing that
came close was taking care of our daughter Angela
when she needed surgery on her cleft palate when
she was one-year old.
It has been more than fifty years since I was up
nights with Angela. After her surgery she was
terrified to sleep. I think it brought back trauma,
so she fought sleep like it would kill her. So, we
took turns singing to her, rocking her, walking
with her, even driving around (it seemed to be the
only thing that put her to sleep, but she’d
wake up as soon as we turned off the engine.)
If you’ve gone a few nights without sleep,
you know how it impacts our emotions, thinking, and
overall brain function. It can be debilitating. One
of our biggest challenges has been to get back in a
normal sleep pattern. For Carlin it has been most
difficult. She went from a special bed in our
upstairs bedroom to a hospital bed set up
downstairs in the living room. She would usually
watch some T.V. until 10:00 or 11:00, get to bed,
and I would wake her up at 7:00 AM. My schedule was
slightly different. I would go to bed at 9 PM, read
until 10:00, then lights out and up in the morning
at 5:00 AM. Getting our routine back on schedule
has been a major challenge.
The first night I brought Carlin back from the
hospital on Saturday, March 30th. I got her settled
in her new hospital bed which was delivered and set
up in the living room after getting four strong
neighbors to move out the huge dining room table
that had occupied the site by the front window.
Our son, Aaron and his wife Jen, wouldn’t
be arriving until the next day, so I sat with
Carlin until she was ready to sleep. A neighbor had
brought a bell she could ring if she needed help,
but I was afraid I might not hear her from the
upstairs bedroom so I reclined in my office chair
downstairs where I knew I would hear her if she
rang the bell we had gotten for her. She slept
soundly, me not so much.
Aaron and Jen were with us for ten days before
returning to their home in Alabama and I became the
full-time caregiver. Change is always difficult
until we develop a new structure and get used to
the new normal. We’re still in process, but
damn, I never realized there was so much to do and
so little time in the day to do it all.
The days weren’t so bad. I immediately
devised a system to keep track of the 18-20
medications the doctor ordered, some old ones, many
new ones. With Jen’s assistance, I numbered
each bottle and we put them all in pill boxes with
morning, evening, and bedtime pills, along with
their names and what they were for. Carlin always
wants to know what she is putting in her body, and
though she trusts me and the doctors, she still
knows she is the ultimate one in charge of her own
health.
Then there were the follow-up doctors’
appointments along with lining up help to assist me
in getting her in and out of the car. Luckily Home
Health Services were available within the week so I
talked to and scheduled physical therapy, nursing
follow up, and speech therapy. Carlin can’t
bath yet due to the hip surgery, but with the help
of a special in-tub chair and some great women
friends who both help her in and out of the tub,
help her wash, Carlin is getting support with the
basics we most often take for granted, until we
don’t have them.
We’ve been blessed with lots of friends who
are bringing dinners (enough for lunch then next
day), but still there is shopping to do, dishes to
wash, including dishes brought with the food that
needs to be washed and put outside in a collection
container where people can pick up their washed
dishes. Yvonne and Lu-Ann have been particularly
helpful in helping organize all that is needed and
giving Carlin regular showers.
Plus, I still work full time as a counselor,
writer, and therapist. I’ve cut down on a lot
of it to take on the added challenges of keeping up
on all the house duties—washing clothes, doing
dishes, paying bills, cleaning floors, bathrooms,
etc. A lot of these things Carlin used to do, but
now fall to me. It can be overwhelming at
times.
We don’t have any family living close by so
friends are stepping up big time. Everyone wants to
help and be supportive, but some are more helpful
than others. Most of the focus is on Carlin, which
is the way it should be, but few people tune in to
me and my needs. I’m doing a pretty good job
at reaching out, yet there are times I wish there
were a few more people tuning into me.
Luckily my men’s group has been supportive.
These are guys who have been together for 44 years
and are like brothers to me. As an only child,
I’ve longed for sibling support and these guys
have always been there for me, as I have been for
them. The problem is that we are all getting older.
There were seven of us when we started. I was the
middle one in age, three older than me and three
younger.
Each of the elders died in order of
age—John, Dick, Ken. Now I’m the
“old man” of the group, and there are
three younger than me—Tom, Tony, Denis. I will
be 80 in December and the younger guys aren’t
far behind me.
I have some other men friends who are local and
younger that I’m calling on for support. When
I can stay in the present moment and not ruminate
about the future, I can deal with what I have to
deal with day by day. I got a good night’s
sleep last night. Today is Easter Sunday, and the
season of Passover and Ramadan. I’m Jewish by
birth, with roots in our cultural history, but not
religious. Today, it is supposed to be sunny and
warm. Carlin and I are looking forward to getting
out of the house, maybe a drive in the valley, and
a walk around Haehl Creek area near the
hospital.
Your comments and sharing are always welcome. If
you would like to subscribe to me weekly posts at
MenAlive.com, you can do so here.
©2023 Jed
Diamond
See Books,
Issues
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* * *
Wealth can't buy health, but health can buy
wealth. - Henry David Thoreau
Jed Diamond
is the internationally best-selling author of seven
books including Male
Menopause, now
translated into 17 foreign languages and his
latest book, The
Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing. The 4 Key Causes
of Depression and
Aggression. For over
38 years he has been a leader in the field of men's
health. He is a member of the International
Scientific Board of the World Congress on
Men’s Health and has been on the Board of
Advisors of the Men’s Health Network since its
founding in 1992. His work has been featured in
major newspapers throughout the United States
including the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall
Street Journal, The Los Angeles Times, and USA
Today. He has been featured on more than 1,000
radio and T.V. programs including The View with
Barbara Walters, Good Morning America, Inside
Edition, CBS, NBC, and Fox News, To Tell the Truth,
Extra, Leeza, Geraldo, and Joan Rivers. He also did
a nationally televised special on Male Menopause
for PBS. He looks forward to your feedback.
E-Mail.
You can visit his website at www.menalive.com
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