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Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the
issue of Relationships. This section is the 2002 Archive of
DocLove's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. Doc
Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches
men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked
thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus
another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available
at www.doclove.com
DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions
from a man’s perspective. So, set your ego aside, learn
to laugh at yourself, and e-mail him at doclove@doclove.com
or call 800.404.2644 and he will give you a snappy answer to
your silly love question – one loaded with truth. You
do what he says, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When
he gets done with you, you will need more security than
Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, he promises
not to use your real name, or give it out. All questions
will be answered, but only the ones of general interest
printed. Please be specific and don’t ramble. Hi Doc, I can't figure this one out. The woman whom I’m dating shows high Interest Level in me whenever we’re together i.e. lots of affection, compliments, laughing at my dumb jokes, etc. We see each other once or twice a week. It’s usually a weekend together. But she is a busy, successful realtor and does not respond quickly if at all to the occasional phone call during the week. We have agreed to seeeach other exclusively so I don't believe she is cheating on me. Here’s my question: Am I wasting my time when she is so wrapped up in work that by the time she gets home during the week she is just dead-ass tired and does not want to call anyone, even me? My gut says dump her or tell her I will still date her but in the meantime I am going to date others with the intent on finding someone who is not so wrapped up in work. Is it unreasonable to expect a couple phone calls during the week? Creon – who needs more attention Hey Creon, You’re laboring under a belief that’s not serving you. You’re a lucky guy and you don’t even know it! Countless men who are in a serious relationship with a woman, are guilt-tripped and p-whipped by their partners into feeling that they must continually ‘check in.’ These guys can’t go for more than 24 hours without having to call their wife or girlfriend and give her a report on their activities. As my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love would say, “Their woman turns into their prison warden.” And if one of these fellows is in a living -together situation with their gal, whenever they leave the house they’re also expected to inform her as to where they’re going, for how long and when they’ll be home. (And if they’re married, forget it!) Sure, this kind of setup is emasculating. Yes, It’s dis-empowering. But it’s the norm for all too many men and it’s their own fault. Learning to handle a controlling, demanding woman is good training, but it’s also a lot of work. A low maintenance relationship is always more fun and it looks like that’s what you’ve got here, Creon. So I suggest that you chill out and enjoy the space and freedom that you have. You’ve got the best of both worlds, a woman who digs you a whole lot AND plenty of time during the week to do whatever the hell you want whenever you want. Yes, perhaps your real estate wranglin’ gal does have some work-aholic tendencies. Well, hey, we’ve all got a few character flaws. Again, I recommend that you look on the bright side and try to appreciate the cool deal you’ve got goin’ on here. Your woman’s not some aspiring actress with constant car trouble who barely makes her rent each month. No, she’s a go-getter, a high achiever with a good income. I can tell that this kitty cat isn’t likely to ever expect you to be the sole provider, and that’s a groovy thing. There’s no point in pressuring your girlfriend into giving you more attention during the week. She’s not going to change and if you did pressure her then she would start to perceive you as needy and insecure. That would, of course, lower her Interest Level, and there’s no good reason to do that. Let’s keep her Interest Level in you up there at a high elevation by staying cool. Another smart move on your part would be to stop calling her during the week and leaving messages. By ceasing to do that, you’ll get double benefits. Not only will you end your frustration but you’ll also become more of a Challenge, which will raise her Interest Level even higher. Remember, guys: when you expose your insecurities to your
girlfriend, you lower her Interest Level. Should You Share Everything with Your
Girlfriend? Dear Doc, I’m in a relationship with a great girl, Karen. We’ve been together for almost four months. We’re totally in love with each other and she is completely devoted to making me happy. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. We get along so well that people are starting to ask us when we’re getting married. I’d say that if another six or seven months pass by and things stay as great as they’ve been, we probably will get engaged. Our relationship has been perfect up until now but I need your advice because I think that I screwed up. Here’s the thing. I’m a musician and every year or so I go out on tour, usually to Europe for about four months. When I first met Karen I had just come back from Italy where I had met this sweet and smart 28-year-old named Isabella. (By the way, I’m 32 and Karen is 30.) Isabella kept showing up at all of our gigs. She spoke perfect English and had a huge crush on me. We wound up spending every day together while I was there, almost a month. One thing led, to another and as soon as we got intimate she told me that she loved me. I guess I was kind of infatuated because I also told her that I loved her. It felt like love and it was really sad when I had to leave to come back to L.A. We were sending romantic e-mails back and forth and she was planning a trip to visit me here. But like I said, a few weeks after I got back, I met Karen. And after about six weeks or so it became pretty obvious that Karen was THE ONE. After I got clear that Karen was the only girl for me, I didn’t have the heart to tell Isabella about Karen. But I finally stopped procrastinating and just last week I e-mailed Isabella and told her that I had met Karen and that I was in love with her. I knew that Isabella would be heart broken, which she was. But I also knew that I couldn’t have put if off any longer. I felt really bad, but I know I did the right thing. But that’s not the problem. The problem is that while I was in my ‘coming clean’ mode, I also (unfortunately) told Karen about Isabella. I thought she would appreciate my honesty. I told her that it was a fling but that it was totally over now. Well, Karen got completely freaked out when I shared all this. She asked me if I was in love with Isabella and I said no of course, which is really true. Then she asked me if I had ever told Isabella that I loved her, and trying to be Mr. Honesty, I confessed that I had. Well thatreally upset her and she was crying and said that she couldn’t believe that I had “hidden” this from her. And the more I tried to explain things the more upset she got. She finally left and went home and now she says she doesn’t want to talk to me for “awhile.” So, Doc, please help me out here if you can. What should I do? Jefferson – who wishes he had kept his lip zipped Hey Jefferson, There’s a person who will happily listen to all your pain and problems without judging you or penalizing you for whatever you’ve said or done. That person is called a therapist or a priest. But when you decide to make your girlfriend your Mother Confessor, then you often find, exactly as you have, Jefferson, that there’s hell to pay for it. The American male has been brainwashed into thinking that being open and sharing all your painful mistakes, confusing problems and previous embarrassing behavior, is a way to create greater intimacy with your partner and raise her romantic Interest Level. But The Reality Factor tells us that the opposite is true. And when you argue with reality, you always lose. But only 100% of the time. You thought that your girlfriend was going to give you points for your honesty, Jefferson, but instead she threw up a big red penalty flag. What were you expecting her to say when you confessed to her that you had been maintaining clandestine communications with a girl who was in love with you and hoping and waiting to reunite with you? Did you think that your girlfriend would be overjoyed to hear that news? Perhaps you expected her to tell you something like, “Gee honey, that’s so wonderful that you shared that with me. I feel closer to you than ever!” You’ve got to think things through before you reveal something that has the potential to do the kind of damage that’s been done here, Jefferson. Even simply considering sharing such volatile information is risky business. To you Psych majors, it’s worse than playing catch with nitroglycerin. All right, so how are we going to clean up this situation? Most relationship experts would tell you to be obsequious and send your girlfriend a dozen roses along with a letter begging for her forgiveness. But as my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love would say, “The only time to beg is when she’s got a gun to your head.” So of course, Jefferson, I’m not going to recommend that you get on your knees like a dog who wants his bone back. What you’re going to have to do is take the non-pro-active approach and withdraw. You’re going to have to live in Limbo for awhile. Don’t call your girlfriend or go to her house. Why not? Because when she’s ready to see you, she’ll call you. Don’t try to rush her. She’ll let you know when she’s processed her upset feelings and is ready to be with you. Any action you might take at this point would be futile (an attempt to control her which is impossible to do). But you can control yourself. So lay back for now. And realize that when you control yourself and withdraw, you come across as strong and not needy which will serve to enhance your girlfriend’s respect for you in the long run. If you’re lucky, your girlfriend won’t have decided that what you did has broken the trust bond between the two of you and she will want to be with you. But the ball is way, way deep in her court at this point. Hopefully she’ll call you soon and will have gotten past all the upset. Then when you guys get back together you’ve got to suck it up and walk on eggs for awhile (I almost never tell guys to do this, but in this special situation, it’s what’s required.) Don’t disagree with anything she says. If she says that 2 + 2 are 5, just say “Yes Dear.” Let her be right about everything for awhile. That’s what she’ll need to feel secure with you again. Remember, guys: unless it’s going to raise Interest
Level, don’t talk about it. Are You a "Drifter" Who Never
Falls in Love? Dear Doc I’ve been reading your column for a while, and it strikes me that a lot of the men that write in for advice seem really needy, like they’re beggars in a world ruled by women. I like your “be a Challenge” coaching. But I’m here to tell you that’s not the ultimate answer. If it was, I’d be a lot happier. Based on your description of how a guy can be more of a Challenge to a woman, I could be your poster boy. I’m naturally aloof and women seem to lap it up. But I’ve got a message for all those guys who think that being a WANTED MAN is the holy grail, which brings me to why I am writing this letter. I’ve always got more than enough women expressing “high interest” in me. But when I date any particular one for over three months or so, I start hearing about how I’m “emotionally unavailable.” My latest girlfriend, Madora, has begun to whine about how I don’t spend enough time with her, and we’ve only been dating TWO months. So MY problem is that women ALWAYS want more from me than I want to give. I haven’t really had any long-term relationships because I seem to always attract these insatiable types. Some of the really pretty ones are the most insatiable. The more they press for a commitment the more I want out. I’d give anything to find a woman who is a little LESS interested who’ll give me some space. How do I find a girl like that, Doc? Paul – who is overly pursued Dear Paul, Have you ever thought about writing about how to be a Challenge? If you do, I’ll buy one. I think you could teach us all a thing or two. You’re such a Challenge that even Julia Roberts would stay faithful to you. (But you’d probably want your space from her too after a couple of months.) So, let’s see if we can shed some light on your problem. We’ll begin by looking at the degree of responsibility of the women in your life for your frustrating situation. Understand that a woman who knows how to properly manage a relationship will not complain to her man that he’s emotionally unavailable. Why? Because doing that only serves to make him withdraw from her, as you have experienced first hand, Paul. To you Psych majors, it’s a big turnoff. Women also need to understand the importance of keeping things light and positive. A woman of wisdom knows that what inspires a man to open his heart to her is her own self-assured sweetness and generosity of spirit. Men respond emotionally to women who are loving and giving and who build a man’s ego up. The smart woman knows that telling a guy that he’s a failure at love doesn’t help her cause. That’s right. I’m telling every female person who is reading this; if you’re a gal who’s got it together, you don’t press for commitment as the women who keep hooking up with Paul do. Instead, you learn to simply enhance a man’s life so wonderfully that he naturally wants to stay with you forever. And, Paul, your current girlfriend, Madora, should not be whining about how you and she don’t spend enough time together. Whining and nagging are one and the same; and nagging, besides being the most under-reported crime in America, is a sure-fire way to make a guy want to head for the hills. On the other hand, Paul, you need to look at your own personal reality here. Why do you seem to attract only those women in whom you eventually lose interest? ARE you emotionally unavailable? There are several possible explanations for such a problem. You could have an unconscious bond with your mother from childhood dictating that you’d be betraying her were you to give your heart to another woman. You might have a belief that no woman can measure up to the standard of femininity that your mother has set for you. There are more possibilities you could consider to better understand your situation. Did you get your heart broken long ago and then swear to yourself that you’d never let any woman get close to you again? Or perhaps you were somehow abandoned as a kid, and the way that you protect yourself emotionally is to remain a drifter/loner and never bond with anyone. I’m no psychotherapist, but if you want to get out of your dysfunctional pattern, and you seriously want to determine why you’re not able to create a happy long-term committed relationship with a woman, then this is the type of self-inquiry that you need to do. Until you get clear about the root cause of your solitary-drifter way of life and you commit to working through it, you’ll keep on drifting without having long-term love in your life. Remember, guys: in order to be successful with women, you
need to understand yourself. Was She Hitting on Me or Just
Teasing? Dear Doc, I live in the town of Lahaina on the island of Maui in Hawaii. I work at one of the luxury hotels nearby doing therapeutic massage, mostly for visiting tourists. Most of us locals make our living in the tourist industry, doing one thing or another. Ok, so there’s this really cute blonde girl, another local, named “Moonstar” (I’m not kidding) who is the town flower girl. By that I mean she goes around to all the restaurants with a basket of flowers and roses and tries to get guys to buy some for their girlfriend or date or wife, whatever. She’s really quite stunning looking. She’s about 24, 5’9’’ or so, with gorgeous thick blonde hair that’s almost as long as her extra long legs. She also has a rather large tattoo of a unicorn on her back. I’ve been seeing this girl around town night after night for about four months now. Always with her basket of flowers, always trying to lure another guy into coughin’ up the cash for some babe’s floral fetish. She’s always seemed to me to be real street smart, kind of like a cocktail waitress. I’ve seen all kinds of guys hit on her, but I’ve never seen anyone get anywhere with her. She seems like the type who’s heard every line in the book, and I figure she probably has some criminal-biker boyfriend stashed away somewhere. All right, so a few nights ago I was standing out in front of this music club with two other buddies of mine, and there she was again with her basket of flowers. Well, she walks right up to me, and while ignoring my other two friends she says, “I want to give you something from my heart to yours.” Then she hands me this exotic looking flower and smiles and then walks away. I was pretty shocked. In fact I was so surprised that I just stood there kind of frozen and didn’t do or say anything. Then one of my friends who has been reading your stuff says to me, “Hey, she’s got high Interest Level. You should go ask her for her phone number.” I told him that I thought that she was probably just flirting. Then he says “Dude, those were heavy buying signals, you should have closed her!” Then he throws some more of your lingo at me and says, “Well maybe it’s better that you didn’t close her right then and there. It makes you look like more of a Challenge.” Right after that my friend had to get going to the airport for a flight to Japan for a month-long trip. But he gave me your e-mail address and told me you could explain all this. He really made me curious. I have a hunch that he’s onto something with your info. So I would like to understand what all those things mean, and I’d also like to know what you think I should have done and what I should do now. I’d be one happy guy if I really had a chance with this girl. Ulrich - who wants to learn Hi Ulrich, Although Moonstar is a gorgeous Goddess who has more guys after her than Osama Bin Laden, SOMEONE is going to capture her heart and it could just be that she’s nominated you as a candidate. Yes, but how, indeed, do we determine if she was merely toying with you, like a cat with a mouse, or, seriously trying to seduce you? When you start using my “System” for success with women, you no longer have to suffer with lingering doubt and confusion about where you stand with a girl. I give you practical tools to weed out the sweethearts from the phonies and strokers. So, Ulrich, the number one weapon I can give you today to put in your in your arsenal for easily and quickly discovering what’s what in a situation like this, is the ABC strategy: Always Be Closing. To “Close” is to go for it. To take the risk to ask for what you want, either verbally or non-verbally, depending on the situation. What you wanted in THIS situation, Ulrich, (you just didn’t know it) was Moonstar’s home phone number. But when she approached you and sprinkled her flower fairy dust on you, you became entranced and as mute as an Enron executive at a Congressional hearing who’s been asked. “Where did all the money go?” If, rather than clamming up, you had closed her for her home phone number she would have then done one of two things. She would have either given it to you or she wouldn’t have given it to you and instead would have come up with some kind of excuse or diversion. If you had asked her for her number and she HAD given it to you, you would then have known that she was at least POTENTIALLY serious about connecting with you. If she had FAILED to give you her number, for WHATEVER REASON, you would have then known that she was just getting off on giving you false hope when, for one brief shining moment, she focused all her attention and feminine charms on you and you alone. So, Ulrich, as your friend said, “You should have closed her.” But you didn’t close her and now you’re livin’ in Limbo. Most guys, who fail to close a girl when the window of opportunity momentarily opens, wind up kicking themselves and wallowing in regret for weeks because without a phone number, they’ll never see the girl or even talk to her again. Have you ever seen an ad that’s been placed in the personals section of your local paper by some pitiful bastard who met a girl someplace, like on a bus, but didn’t have the guts to ask her for her number at the time? “DESPERATELY SEARCHING FOR YOU! We met on the 4:15 bus to Studio City last Tuesday. We talked about white water rafting and our mutual dislike of Rosie O’Donnell. You’re the tall, thin girl with long black hair and a beautiful smile. Please, please leave me your number at box #1234.” Fortunately for you, Ulrich, there’s a very high probability that you WILL see THIS gal again. And, technically, your friend is right, she may have experienced you as more of a Challenge (more mysterious) when you didn’t react at all. But, guys, not closing right away in a situation like this, ONLY work to your advantage when it’s GUARANTEED that you will soon see your potential love interest again. So, Ulrich, the next time you see Moonstar, make sure that before you part company with her, that you say the five magic words: “What’s your home phone number?” Remember, guys, the first three letters of the alphabet
are ABC. Can You Hypnotize a Woman into
Wanting You? Dear Doc, I've been around the block and I know a lot about women. But, Doc, you’ve helped me to understand and handle things in a better way. For example, when I'm pining for a woman who I should blow-off because she has low Interest Level in me, I listen to your CD’s and gather the strength to do what is right. Your philosophy helps me to clear my mind of the "wrong" ladies, making room for the "right" ladies when they appear. I believe the biggest mistake men make in the mating game is being unable to let go of the "wrong" ladies. And, this brings me to my question. IS IT EVER POSSIBLE TO RAISE A WOMAN'S INTEREST LEVEL FROM LESS THAN NEUTRAL TO HIGH LEVELS? Various "Don Juan" columnists and advisors suggest that it is possible by using sophisticated hypnotic seduction techniques. You've heard it all, I'm certain. Moreover, I recently read a social studies book about the art of seduction that also suggests that this is possible. The author states that only apathy is not seducible, but, with the proviso that you initially pick the right “target” to seduce. What are your thoughts on this? And, if you do think it’s possible to raise a near-dead Interest Level (even if only remotely so), what techniques would you employ? I'd love to hear from you. Georgio – who is very curious Hey Georgio, We all know what it’s like. There you are, for instance, at a charity-fundraiser cocktail party. Your friend has just introduced you to a woman that he’s been telling you about, one of the most attractive women in attendance. She’s young, beautiful, sophisticated, and your friend has already informed you that she’s also single and tends to go for the same physical type as you. As you stand there, looking into her eyes, trying to get an interesting conversation going with her, you think to yourself, “Wow, this girl is way cool! She seems like she could be real long-term relationship material. Hmmmm.” You start to get a rush of excitement as you fantasize about the possibilities with her. You figure that you’ve got a real good chance here. But as another couple of minutes go by, you begin to notice that she doesn’t really seem to be very interested in what you’re sharing with her. Even though you’re being your usual charming self, she’s just not warming up to you. In fact, now she’s not even looking at you while you’re talking to her. You’re ready to propose, and she’s finds you about as interesting as a Congressional hearing on farm subsidies. The next thing you know, she says, “Nice meeting you,” as she walks off without saying another word. Ten minutes later you see her laughing with and touching the arm of some other guy that apparently she’s also just met. But for him, it seems that she’s suddenly somehow grown a personality. Now, wouldn’t it be fantastic if there were a secret super-seduction-technique you could use in a situation like this, some hypnotic word pattern you could employ, to enchant any woman and raise her Interest Level in you? If a such a method existed, however devious, to control a woman’s mind and make her like you, wouldn’t you love to know what it was? And, indeed, this is the very kind of thing that some dating coaches claim that they can teach you in a matter of days or weeks. Methods for creating not only instant rapor with a disinterested woman, but also techniques to make her start to have romantic feelings for you within minutes. Can it be done? The simple answer is yes. Using a clever combination of Ericsonian Hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic Programming techniques, it IS possible to make a disinterested woman deeply interested in you, but the level of mastery required to successfully capture the heart of a woman who has less than 50% Interest Level in you is extraordinary. If you had no background in this field and you had to start from square one (which is the case for most guys), it would be about the same as being a non-musician and having to learn how to play the piano near the level of an orchestral virtuoso. The promise of being able to quickly teach a guy to have the mastery required to pull off this kind of maneuver, is in itself very seductive. But when you take a scientific poll of the guys who have spent money on the tapes and manuals to learn these techniques, what you find is that only a tiny percentage of them have been able to stick with it to gain the level of skill required. As I said, the learning curve is steeper than a skyscraper. Also be aware that all these ‘win quick’ coaches tell you that you have to pre-qualify your “target” and that their methods don’t work with some women because those women just aren’t intelligent enough. That’s their ‘out’ clause. What they’re really saying is that she has to have an Interest Level of at least 65% in order for you to get a significant positive response right away. The good thing about these techniques is that they place tremendous importance on making your love interest feel happy, positive feelings and on getting her to associate those feelings with being with you. They encourage you to make her laugh if you can, and to get her to feel super comfortable. They also teach you the importance of emanating an aura of confidence. Of course, all of that is totally in alignment with what “The System” says. But there’s also a downside to these seduction techniques. Even if you are able to raise a woman’s Interest Level from the dead, however sincere you are, there’s a tremendous amount of manipulation involved. If you can live with that, fine. But I’d rather have the woman choose me first. Why? Because it feels much better and it’s a whole hell of a lot less work. As my acupuncturist, Dr. Lao, would say, “Better to
let kitty cat come to you, Grasshopper, than chase her
around yard with bowl of milk." Remember, guys: men do the
picking, but women do the choosing. When Your Heast says, "She's the One"
but Your Head says, "She's Not Pretty Enough" Dear Doc Love, A buddy of mine has been raving about your column. So I finally checked it out the last two weeks and I’m already hooked. I think you’ve got some genuine wisdom, which is something I really need right now, because I’ve got a genuine problem. I’ve been dating Melissa for a little over three months. I’ve never felt more comfortable with a woman in my life. We’re unbelievably compatible and she’s got almost all of the qualities I look for in a woman. She’s cultured, really smart, fun, loving, athletic and accomplished in her career. We’ve got good chemistry and we’re really affectionate. So what’s my problem? Why aren’t I on cloud ten? Well, here it is: I can’t stop wishing she was more beautiful. I’m not saying she’s a dog. Melissa is definitely attractive. But I’ve dated strictly stunning women up until now. For better or worse, looks are really important to me. I get off on the feeling of walking into a room with a gorgeous woman on my arm. When I met Melissa, I liked her immediately. We clicked. But, frankly, I thought that I’d soon be moving on to prettier pastures. Well, here I am three months later, getting seriously involved with the least physically dazzling woman I have eve dated. Yet in so many other ways she’s the MOST attractive lady I have dated. Doc, I really need your help. I feel tormented by this. Most of my friends tell me to get off it, that Melissa’s incredible and I should be grateful for what I have. But what if I’m settling? What if there’s a woman out there with the whole package, one with Melissa’s qualities but who’s also a 10 or at least a 9? Am I a superficial jerk to wish her nose was straight, her waist thinner and her lips fuller? And while we’re at it, can I make her at least three inches taller? I’ve really got a thing for tall women, and she’s only 5'5". I’m still young and good looking enough to be able to attract a super hot woman. Two amazing babes have come on to me since I’ve been dating Melissa, but I didn’t take the bait because I didn’t want to lose what I’ve got. So Doc, can you straighten me out? Blake – who feels tormented Blake, Week after week I hammer away at my readers, exhorting them to stop looking only at their own Interest Level in the woman that they are with and to start focusing on, and properly evaluating, the woman’s Interest Level in them. In any romantic relationship, it’s crucial for the man to be 100% clear about the status of his woman’s Interest Level in him. But today, Blake, I’m going to ask you to focus specifically on your Interest Level. I want you to be as honest with yourself as you possibly can. What rating would you assign to your level of romantic interest in Melissa? (I doubt that it’s less than 50% or otherwise you wouldn’t be with her. You seem to have so many other options.) Even though she doesn’t measure up to your usual standard of beauty, you must be attracted to her. You’ve been with her for three months. And on top of that, you’ve been loyal to her. Ok. But what IS your Interest Level? Is it 69%, 74%, 81%? Give it an exact number. Only you know for sure. If it’s really only in the 60’s and you know in your heart of hearts that it ain’t goin’ any higher, then you’d be a jerk to stay with Melissa and lead her on. You can’t build a happy, long-term-committed relationship on 65% Interest Level. On the other hand, maybe your Interest Level in Melissa is actually higher than you’ve been willing to admit to yourself. Perhaps you have a belief that you can only fall in love with a stunning babe and the fact that you’ve fallen for a 7.5 doesn’t compute for you. So take a reality check. If your Interest Level in Melissa is somewhere in the 80’s,then, dude, you’re a winner in the lottery of love! Get over your ego and get on with the romance. In order to gain complete clarity on this entire issue, you have to thoroughly examine your fundamental personal values. To you Psych Majors, you’ve gotta search your soul. How much of your wanting to have a super model on your arm is based on needing the respect and approval of other people to compensate for your own lack of self-esteem? Or, is this just the way you’re built and you need to honor that? If, after your journey of introspection, you’re still confused and you feel that the only way you’ll be able to be at peace about this doubt that’s gnawing at you, is to date more super hot women, then do what you’ve got to do. Maybe there is a gal out there with Melissa’s qualities and who is also a 9 or a 10. Just remember that she has to like you as much as Melissa likes you. But realize you can’t have it both ways. In order to do conduct more ‘research’, you WILL have to forsake Melissa. How would that feel? Could you handle that loss? Will you wind up kicking yourself after you’ve burned through another dozen aspiring actresses and bimbo models? Maybe you’re ok with taking that risk. Check it out. But I think you’ve got a good think going with Melissa. Remember, guys: beauty fades, but attitude lasts
forever. Women Who Make Dates that They Plan
to Break Hey Doc Love, I have been your student for a little over a year now, and what I've learned from you has been invaluable. Especially the part about always listening to your gut instead of thinking wishfully and irrationally. Thank you so much! There’s a problem I need help with. There’s a nice looking girl that lives in my apartment building that I had spoken with a few times and was fairly sure that she was single. About a week ago I stopped over at her apartment and directly and confidently asked her out for dinner -- in front of her roommate no less! She said yes, but there was a pause before she accepted and her enthusiasm seemed luke warm. Since I was listening to my gut I expected her to stop by in the next day or two and back out and give me a run-of-the mill excuse, but she didn't. Two hours before we were supposed to go out, I started getting cleaned up. My parents always taught me to dress well and look my best -- to be a class act when I take a girl out. I said I was going to be there and I keep my word. As I was getting ready I thought that I had possibly misjudged her. Then, twenty minutes before we were supposed to go out, she comes by my apartment. She must have come from Burger King because she had some whoppers for me. She said that she needed to stay home and study for a test that she had “just found out about.” I had to laugh. And of course, there was the trite, "I'm sorry." My question to you is, what should a guy do when he is 95% sure that a girl is going to break the date and is there any way I can have fun with these girls -- maybe give 'em a dose of their own medicine? Travis – who wants to know what to do Hey Travis Welcome to the wonderful world of dating. The average guy who had never studied “The System” wouldn’t have noticed the significance of that telltale pause that your neighbor took before she accepted the date with you. But since you’ve been on the Doc Love coaching program, you instantly knew that those two extra seconds that she took, even beforeshe half-heartedly said “yes,” spelled trouble. So you’ve asked a great question, Travis. When you’re getting half-hearted buying signals from a woman, but she’s still saying yes, what do you do? You’d like to say something like, “You know what darlin’, you took too long to accept my offer, and in my book, that means that your Interest Level in me is lower than Al Gore’s chances of getting elected president. So I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you just break the date right now instead of a few hours before we’re supposed to go out and that way I can save that night for one of the other girls who really want to go out with me.” Yep, you’d like to say something to her like that, but you must not. Why not? No matter how calmly and rationally you might try to explain the truth of a situation such as this to a woman, you will be perceived by her as weak and/or uptight. And if she’ll be dishonest enough to make a date with you that she plans to break, then she’ll continue to lead you astray when you try to have a logic-based dialogue with her. To you Psych majors, she can’t say no to a guy’s face. In my early days as a junior Love Doctor, conducting field research, I would try to explain things to women who were accepting a date with me while giving me signals that they were going to break it later. I’d tell them that I could tell by their behavior that they weren’t really interested and that they could feel free to simply be honest and open with me. And you know what they’d do? Most often they’d say, “Oh no no no, I want to go out with you, really.” Then of course something would always “come up” and they’d have to “reschedule”. Sometimes they’d even keep the date because their egos couldn’t handle the fact that I had busted them on their disingenuous behavior. Even though they knew I was right they’d go out with me just to prove me wrong. But there would never be a second date. Pretty sick, huh? Any way you look at it, trying to talk sense to a stroker is like trying to sell capitalism to a terrorist. Whatever you say, they don’t have the capacity to appreciate it and you just wind up getting more frustrated. Ah, so what is the best thing for you to do when faced with this dating dilemma? What you should do, Travis, is exactly what you did. Accept the date and plan for it. Clean up your house, your car and yourself and be ready, all the while knowing that she will most likely break the date. Hopefully she won’t break it at the last minute, but be prepared for that as well. And why am I telling you to get yourself all locked and loaded for a date that has no more probability of happening than Oprah’s marriage to Steadman? Because, when your potential date bails on you, you will then be 100% sure that she is unavailable and not romantically interested in you – for the rest of your life. You’ll no longer have any confusion about where you stand with her and you won’t be tempted to ever ask her out again. So, in a sense, we want her to break the date because it gives us a fantastic reality check. If instead, you pass on the date with her or, YOU break the date before she does because you’re convinced she’s going to ultimately break it anyway, then later, especially if you really like her, the possibilities will be eating away at you. You’ll be thinking to yourself, “Maybe I judged her too harshly, maybe she’s just shy, maybe she’s a bit reticent because she had a bad breakup with a guy … etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum. Taking this fork in the road only creates more uncertainty and confusion. But when you let it play out, then you know what’s what. And when she does break the date, Travis, act like it’s no big deal. Let her give you her whopper and then politely move on. The idea is that you never want to let a stroker know that she got to you. That just feeds the beast. Remember, guys: “The System” brings out the
best and the worst in women. Dear Doc Love, My boyfriend is a serious fan of yours and credits you for having a substantial impact on the fact that he and I are together. I read your column occasionally and must admit you do shed light on women’s behavior and how men can better understand and connect with them. The purpose of this letter, however, is to ask if you might shed some light on an aspect of MALE behavior that has puzzled me for many years. Here’s my question: What motivates a man to speak to a woman he doesn’t know, in a sexually loaded, leering, predatory kind of way? Does it make him feel powerful? Is it a way to get attention? Does he think his behavior is actually attractive and will result in his “getting some”? Does he do it to belittle her because he feels he can’t have her? Many men complain about women being cold and unapproachable. Well this is one of the reasons why we are. It’s repulsive and invasive to be on the receiving end of this lewd-osity (my word). After a while we learnto keep our "BACK OFF BUSTER" force field up all the time. Much of what has been said to me in this fashion isn’t fit for print. But here’s a recent example with more of a PG rating. My boyfriend and I were driving up Interstate 5 on a broiling hot day. We stopped at a 7-11 to get some water. As I walked from the store back to the car I passed a dark haired man, about medium build and height in his late thirties, or early forties. He suddenly walks up to me and says “It’s hot isn’t it? Hot like you. Yeeeaaahh.You’re so hot” His face was one huge leer. He was making smacking, sucking sounds, wagging his tongue and leaning into my personal space. I wanted to whack him in his fat face, but I just ignored him and got in the car. I told my boyfriend about what happened after we were a few miles up the road. I asked him WHY DO MEN DO THAT??? He had some ideas, but he suggested I write to you and get your opinion. So, Doc, why DO some men do that? And can you please suggest that they STOP doing it and find a more constructive outlet for their feelings? Because, believe me, it’s a spectacular turn off. Truly nauseating. If they’re hoping for a score they need to know that they automatically disqualify themselves from the game when they come on as Mr. Lewd. Why not treat women with respect and authentic friendliness? Now there’s a concept. Charleen – who is miffed and mystified Dear Charlene, Thanks for your candid sharing about this issue. Unfortunately, your experience is in no way out of the ordinary. Women have to put up with this invasive, insulting crap from stupid men all the time. And it’s these morons who make it hard for the rest of us good guys. So what’s the story here? As much it pains me to report this, the Reality Factor tells us that a substantial percentage of men consistently act like pigs towards women. They act like pigs and they treat women like pigs. Social status seems to have no bearing on the problem. A guy can be rich, successful, or even famous and still be a clueless porker. What motivates these guys? Since this obnoxious type of approach produces such negative results, why do so many men keep up with it? You’d think that after 3 or 5 or 10 years they’d figure out that it’s counter productive, that it doesn’t help their cause. Well, much of their behavior is based in their deep resentment towards women. Since they’ve never had any positive role models or mentors to teach them how to properly woo a woman, they get stuck in a viscous cycle. Their ignorance causes them to continually be rejected by women. Continual rejection breeds resentment, which begets repulsive behavior, which creates more rejection, resentment, repulsive behavior etc. etc. etc. For these guys, getting in a woman’s face with a creepy come-on, is the ONLY way that they can feel any kind of power with women. It’s a negative kind of power but to them its some kind of feeling of power that they hope will, at least momentarily, mask their deeper feelings of powerlessness. They think to themselves, “Hey, at least I got her to react to me. At least I got her to acknowledge me.” So Yes, Charleen, their negative behavior does make them feel powerful and it is a way for them to get attention. To you Psych majors, they’re idiots. And after a hard day of wreaking havoc and doing negative PR for the male species, these guys go home to their porn videos where they watch the male role models that they aspire to be like: guys who magically, do get laid, simply by uttering a few nasty words to a woman. I’ll tell you something else Charlene. As difficult as you may find this to believe, there is a small percentage of women out there who think that all men act in this disgusting way. They think, “Well, that’s the way men are” so they just go along with it and get involved with these guys. Of course this then helps to perpetuate the problem. If all these guys had fathers or teachers or big brothers to educate them about manners and class, this would be a very different society. Unfortunately they don’t, but that’s why I’m here. As more and more men learn about “The System,” a gradual transformation of the male mentality is taking place. Even some of these macho morons are starting to get it. I’ve got a lot of souls to save, Charleen, but I will not rest until I’ve saved every one. So if any of you guys have been acting like the creep in the 7-11, I strongly recommend that you immediately cease and desist! This kind of crap is hurtful to women and to you too. And if any of you guys who work with “The System”, see one of your brethren exhibiting this kind destructive behavior, take him aside show him the error of his ways. Enlighten your compadre and know that you are making a real contribution towards ending the war of the sexes. Remember, guys: if you don’t have anything positive
to say, keep your mouth shut. Dear Doc, A couple of months ago, before I was a student of "The System", I made the critical mistake of confessing my amorous feelings to a co-worker. She initially suggested that we have lunch together and we went out to lunch several times. When we were together, she didn’t hesitate to reveal many personal things that I know she had not told others, so I thought she was wanting to get close to me. Then one day I told her that I felt very loving feelings for her. The next day at a company get-together she completely ignored me the entire time. So at the end of the event I approached her and told her how much I had enjoyed spending time with her. I told her that if there was something I did wrong, to please tell me. She denied that there was something wrong at first, but I insisted that she tell me because I didn’t believe her. After I PUSHED her to tell me she finally said that she was worried about the fact that she may have given me the “wrong impression” by being open with me and she was telling me this because we are such “good friends”. When I was PUSHING her for the truth is when more gushings of my feelings for her came out. (If I had kept my trap shut, I am confident that things would be much different now.) After this incident, I came across “The System”. I then poured on the Challenge and became “too busy” to hang out with her. She then started spending a lot of time with another guy that works with us. I later found out that they were dating and she had insisted that they keep it a secret from co-workers. The funny thing is that one would think that she would want to be alone with this guy, however, she would take the opportunity to invite me to join them and she would never make this offer to others. Of course, I would politely make up an excuse and decline. Months have passed and I have watched this other guy do things to lower her Interest Level. This includes, catering to her every whim, sending her "thank you" e-mail with pictures of flowers and captions of "love", etc. Whenever we talk at work she is extra friendly and she actually seems nervous around me. She also makes suggestions about having more lunches together, which I haven’t taken her up on yet. My question to you is do you have any explanation for her behavior towards me? Usually when a girl wants to be "just friends" she is just saying that and would not care if the friendship continues. Also, I have never seen this level of nervousness in a woman that wants to be “just friends”. (If we had been "friends" I could understand this behavior however, I only knew her for less than a month before the "incident.") I still have very strong feelings for her but I don’t feel like setting myself up for rejection again. I’m pretty sure she thinks of me only as a “friend.” But on the other hand, maybe I have a chance since I’ve been such a Challenge with her. What do you think Doc? Monsoor – who is sold on “The System” Hi Monsoor, I’m glad that you’ve gotten ‘plugged in’ to ‘The System” and that you understand how and why you made the mistakes that you did with your co-worker. I can tell by your enthusiasm that you don’t need a big pep talk to motivate you to play it cool the next time you’re together with a girl you really like. You have a real appreciation of “The System” and its power, and that’s going to keep you on track in the future. Now allow me to fine-tune your understanding of the events that transpired. First of all, you made a naïve assumption when you decided that this gal had confided things to you that she hadn’t shared with anyone else. How could you be sure that that was true? How could you have possibly known whether or not she had recently poured her guts out to someone else, just as she had done with you? When you assumed that you were the only one, you were being run by your ego rather than being objective. You further misinterpreted her behavior by assuming that she was confiding in you because she had romantic interest in you. It’s true that a woman will not bare her soul to a guy unless she feels very comfortable with him. And it’s important to always maintain a high level of comfort for the woman whom you’re courting. But here’s what you need to understand: High comfort level does not equal high romantic Interest Level. A woman can feel so comfortable with you that she actually will confess things to you that she really, truly never has told anyone else, ever. (Sometimes you can wind up hearing more than you’d ever want or need to know.) And she can share all of that without having any physical or romantic attraction to you whatsoever. There are thousands of Teddy Bear guys out there who women regularly use as their therapists, who, sadly, will verify what I’ve just told you. If your lovely co-worker had had high romantic interest in you, she would have been suggesting that the two of you have dinner together rather than only lunch. A woman with high Interest Level wouldn’t be happy going out only for lunch at work. As my cousin “Fast Eddie” Love would say, “When a chick is gone over you, she wants to be wined and dined.” Later, when she invited you to come along on her lunch dates with that other guy, she was trying to use you as a buffer. Since she wanted to keep her affair a secret from her co-workers, it would have made things look much more innocent if she’d had a third party along. She needed a stooge and she nominated you. Pretty brutal, huh? (I doubt that any other love doctor on the planet would have called that one!) The reason she acts nervous around you now is most likely that she has low self-esteem and she can’t handle the fact that you rejected her as a “friend.” Your rejection of her as a potential girlfriend has nothing to do with it. It’s just that she can’t stand not being liked by someone she sees a lot. Looking back, as you know, you should never have spilled your guts out to her. And you could have easily tested her Interest Level and saved yourself from a lot of needles confusion, by asking her out for dinner. But asking her out now is pointless. Once you’re out, you’re out. Fortunately, you have me as your coach now, and next time around you’ll do much better, Monsoor. Still, you can appreciate the fact that you’ve learned some valuable lessons from this experience. Remember, guys: You only get one shot, so don’t blow
it. Dear Doc, I have an interesting problem that I hope you can help me with. I’m 38 years old and I’m a stockbroker with a large brokerage firm. (No I’m not writing because I’m depressed about the slump in the Dow. My career is actually going quite well, in spite of our current economic problems.) Here’s my situation. There’s this girl that I see every Thursday night in my computer class. She’s black (from Haiti). I’m Italian, from Brooklyn. She’s a total babe and has a fantastic personality. Very intelligent and has her own business working as an agent for television commercial directors. Our computer class has been going on for about 6 weeks now, but since the very first night she has been flirting with me, quite blatantly. Last week she even said to me, “So when are you going to ask me out?” I told her, “Probably soon.” I’m usually a lot more firm and decisive. When it’s time to take action, I take action. So, why didn’t I simply ask her out? The problem for me, and I have to say I feel embarrassed about this because I think maybe I’m being kind of a wimp. Anyway, the problem is that I’m 5’6” tall and this girl is a solid 6 feet tall. And of course in heels she’s even taller. I have no problem whatsoever with our racial differences. (My longest relationship was actually with a girl who was originally from Ethiopia.) It’s the height difference that’s messing with my mind! When I stand next to her I feel like a midget and not very manly. I’m trying to imagine the two of us out on a date in public as a couple and it just seems weird to me. I know that I’d be very uncomfortable. But otherwise she has so many of the qualities that I look for in a girlfriend. When we’re both sitting down together and my mind isn’t on the height problem, I feel very romantic towards her. Half of me wants to just make up an excuse to tell her as to why I can’t date her, and the other half of me feels like I’d be being weak and foolish if I did that. I don’t know. Do you think there’s a way for me to overcome my discomfort and feel more comfortable and confident? Do you think it’s a healthy thing for a guy to date a girl who’s half a foot taller than himself? What do you say Doc? Any ideas? Theron - who is very confused. Hi Theron, Your discomfort with the discrepancy in height between you and your Haitian honey is understandable. But I recommend that you be courageous and push yourself beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone. The way I see it, you’ve got two choices here. You can pass on this extraordinary opportunity and thereby further validate your fears and insecurities OR, you can have a new adventure with an exotic woman who looks as if she could win the Miss World Contest. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, “the path of fear or the path of courage and adventure, which is it gonna to be, boy?” Think about it. What’s the worst thing that could happen to you if you were out in public with this gal? Are you afraid that someone might snicker at you? Perhaps some might. But I’d say, that most people would be looking at you with envy or admiration or intense curiosity, wondering what powerful personal qualities you have that you were able to attract such an exotic beauty. If you give yourself plenty of approval for being the great guy that you are, then you won’t be dependent on other people’s approval or compromised by their disapproval. You won’t care what people think one way or another. Use this situation to exercise your self-esteem muscles. See if you can get into the headspace of simply not giving a hoot. See if you can become hootless. There’s no way of telling right now if being in a relationship with your statuesque class-mate would work for you over the long haul or not. But you may possibly discover that with time and a whole lot of sweetness and High Interest from her, that her height (or your lack of it in comparison) has become a non-issue for you. Who knows? But you’ll only find out if you go out with her. If you don’t go out with her, nothing will happen and that’s pretty boring. To give you a little extra inspiration, Theron, allow me to share a brief personal anecdote with you. A couple of years ago, while waiting for a friend at the bar in the Beverly Hilton hotel, I struck up a conversation with a chap of rather diminutive stature. He was an average looking guy and was no more than 5’5’’ tall. He told me that he was a real estate agent and that he was dating a model. At the time I thought that he was giving me more of the usual L.A.-big-talker hype. But a few minutes later, lo and behold, his Claudia Schiffer look-alike girlfriend who was taller than a camel, came walking in, sat down in his lap and gave him a long wet kiss right there in front of me. He introduced me to her, then said goodbye and walked on out to the lobby with her, arm in arm. And I’ve got to tell you that this guy was as cool and comfortable and as confident as Vin Diesel in a tight spot. Plus, he got off on her height. So, Theron, get that Caribbean cutie out on a date. When the two of you are together, make no remarks about how tall she is. And if she wants to put her arm around you while you’re walking down the street, go with it. Just make sure that YOU are the one walking on the traffic side of the sidewalk. Remember, guys: If you go out with a woman who’s
taller than you, tell her to wear high heels. Dear Doc, I got your materials about eight months ago and I have been following all your coaching to the letter. I have changed my dating habits in so many ways it’s like I’m a different person. Before I had your Dating Dictionary, I had a kind of false confidence with women. If a woman wasn’t responding to me the way that I thought she should, then I would just try harder to impress her. I’d then take her out to a restaurant that was even more expensive than the last. I’d tell her how I couldn’t stop thinking about her, how I was falling in love with her, stuff like that. Sometimes this approach would keep the girl interested for three or four extra weeks. She’d initially enjoy the flattery and the luxury I was providing. But then things would always take a dive and I’d be wondering what the hell I did wrong. I guess I’m saying that I used to think that I could make a woman like me by ‘hard selling’ myself to her. Now I understand that she has to choose ME and like ME first, before anything gets off the ground. All the expensive dinners and heavy verbal come-ons are a waste of time, money and my own self-respect. You’re so on the money, Doc. You’ve got to let them chase YOU! It was a shock to come to the realization that I had been spending so much time and energy pursuing women who never had what you call ‘High Interest’ in me. I just never had a “System” for screening out the phonies. I always thought that if a woman accepted a date with me well then she had to be interested in me. Not true! As I’ve heard you say before, “There’s a worldwide epidemic of phony female flirt-itis.” Ok, here’s the thing. Since I’ve come to understand the difference between a woman who appears to have High Interest in me versus a woman who really has High Interest in me, there’s something else I’ve begun to notice: It’s damn hard to find an attractive, intelligent woman with a great personality who also has authentic High Interest in me. Over the past four months I’ve been very busy using the Internet to meet women and set up dates. I’ve kept track, and over a four-month period I have had coffee dates with exactly 42 different women. Out of the 42 there have been six or seven that I really thought had potential. But none of them gave me any ‘buying signals.’ None of them were choosing me. I would never even consider going back to my old habits to try to get something going with any these girls. But what should I do? This is getting exhausting. Is there something I’m missing here? Is there a more effective and efficient way to go at this? I’m really getting frustrated. Any advice Doc? Al - who needs to have a ‘win’ soon Hi Al, Well, you have obviously been doing your homework. You have an excellent grasp on the concept of Interest Level. Knowing how to determine a woman’s true level of interest in you by accurately reading her ambiguous, is one of the most powerful skills that a fellow can acquire from studying “The System.” And yes, it’s true. When you study “The System” with patience and dedication, you begin to see things as they really are rather than how you think they are or how wish they were. You begin to understand that most of your life, you’ve been way, way over-rating women’s romantic attraction towards you. Watch any of the reality based dating shows on TV and you’ll readily observe this over-rating-the-male’s-Interest Level phenomenon. On three out of five dates you’ll see the guy ranting on to the camera about how the girl is hot for him while she’s hoping she’ll never have to see the guy again. All right. So let’s examine your problem. Since you’re a dedicated student of “The System” I’m going to assume that you’re faithfully following all the dating do’s and don’ts that are outlined in The Dating Dictionary and that you’re not doing anything ignorant or clumsy to turn these women off. If you’re following all my guidelines while out on your coffee dates, then the best explanation for your lack of success lately is simply that you’re in a slump. It happens to the best of us. I have two recommendations to help you get out of your slump. Number One: I want you to branch out. Don’t just focus on the Internet. Some guys kick butt on Internet dating sites. While others do much better at Adult Ed classes or New Age workshops, for instance. So, as Shakespeare might say, “Get thee to a Yoga Class young squire.” Check out dances studios or Toastmasters meetings. Do something different. There’s no use staying on the same road if it isn’t taking you where you want to go. Number two: don’t give up! It’s certainly legitimate to feel discouraged after having nothing to show for all your work. So go ahead and fully feel all the discouragement that’s in your heart (so that you’re not stuffing it), and then dump it all out. Let it go and move on. As long as you stick with “The System”, you’re going to succeed. And as my Uncle Jethro Love used to say, “There ain’t no drought that lasts forever. The rain always comes sooner or later.” Remember, guys: dating is a numbers game and you only
need one. Girls Who Kiss You - Even Though They
Have a Boyfriend Dear Doc, Hi, I’m a successful writer and one of my plays is about to open here in the San Francisco area. I’ve been attending all the rehearsals, working very closely with the director. One of the actresses in my play, “Samantha”, has been giving me what you call a lot of ‘buying signals.’ I know you like to have all the statistics, so here they are: She’s about 5’5’’, 120lbs, with short dark hair and a very sexy English accent. On the rating scale I would say that she’s a very strong “7”. Almost an “8” but not quite. Since I’m the writer of the play, I have a lot of power and prestige in this situation and Samantha seems to have really put me on a pedestal. Over the last few weeks the touching that I’ve been getting from her has steadily increased. She’s also been giving me a lot of those, dreamy, “I want you” looks and she continually tells me how handsome and talented I am. Now everyone on the set knows that she has a boyfriend. I’ve heard her mention him once or twice. But she kept giving me so many green lights that I finally just asked her for her home phone number and she cheerfully gave it to me without any hesitation. I waited a week and then called and asked her out for coffee. She was thrilled to hear from me, but when I asked her out she said “You know that I have a boyfriend, right?” and I said “Samantha, it’s only coffee, I’m not asking you to get married.” She laughed and then agreed to meet me the next night at The Java Joint downtown. When we got together she was more flirtatious than ever. She kept touching my arm, bumping my knee and giving me more of those looks. So when I walked her to her car I went for it, and she did not mind a bit. We had a serious touchy-feely make-out-fest in that parking lot that lasted a long fifteen minutes. Before we said goodbye I mentioned a book about acting that she’d probably like and told her to call me after she checked it out. (I wanted to see if she’d call me.) Five days later she called. We talked for about five or ten minutes and then I suggested that she come meet me at my place. I told that I’d make dinner for both of us. She seemed to get kind of nervous and spooked when I did that, so I backed off and made another coffee date with her. So she shows up right on time, wearing a very short skirt and a low cut blouse. It was the most provocative outfit I’d ever seen her wear. She also had a ton of sweet smelling perfume on. Besides that, this second coffee date went exactly the same way as the first. We spent an hour and a half having a great conversation and then we ended up back in the parking lot for another long makeout session. I tried again to see if she’d come with me to my apartment but she said that she had to get home because her boyfriend was coming over after his gig. (He’s a jazz musician.) Anyway, I really like Samantha but it seems as if this whole thing with her just isn’t going anywhere, like it’s stalled. I’m sure if I called her again that she’d meet me somewhere again and it would be the samescenario for a third time and that just isn’t going work for me. I’m about ready to just blow her off. But I thought that you might have a clever idea or two, Doc. What do you think? P.S. Also, what do you think I should say if she calls me again? Dino - who is a bit frustrated Hey Dino, Let me commend you on an excellent job of ‘closing’ this gal. She gave you the buying signals and you responded appropriately. A lot of guys would have been stymied by her mixed messages, but you followed “The System”. “The System” says, if she flirts with you, and you’re interested, then keep closing no matter what tests she throws at you. Let her do her flitty butterfly, waxing and waning routine, but you, the man, stay consistent and steady as a steam locomotive, slowly but surely chugging up the hill. That’s just what you did Dino. Good work! All right, so obviously I wouldn’t recommend that you take this thing with Samantha seriously. You’ve got the right spirit when you say that you’re ready to shine the whole thing on. You’re not attached. You’re heart’s not invested in any way and that’s just how you should keep it in this situation. But you can still have some fun here. Look at it this way. She’s keeping you ‘on the side’. Ok. So why not do the same thing with her? Don’t take her out anywhere special. No dinners. No concerts. No dancing. She’ll just be your Java Joint make out buddy who you don’t need to spend any more than six bucks on. To you Psych majors, all’s fair in love and war. So keep the frequency rate down. Only see her every two or three weeks. If nothing progresses any further than it already has, just look at it this way. Fifteen minutes of kissing and cuddling with a pretty young woman for the cost of two cappuccinos, ain’t a bad trade off. Keep in mind that if she’s makin’ out with you, that her relationship with her boyfriend has to be on the skids. He doesn’t know it yet but he’s a ‘dead man walkin.’ Once her Interest Level in him sinks another ten points, he’ll be getting the old heave ho. Whatever. Just let her do what she’s going to do. Meanwhile, you’re going to be hustling lots of other women. You’re going to find some candidates who not only have high interest in you, but also don’t have any boyfriends in the background. You’re not going to be one of those saps who get all emotionally invested in a girl who’s unavailable, hoping and waiting for her to leave her boyfriend. Just think of Samantha as your little, diversionary entertainment chick. Let her call you. She most likely will. When she does, have her meet you at a different coffeehouse. But no restaurants where you’d have to spend extra money on her. When you’re chatting with her, keep it light. Don’t mention the boyfriend. Don’t get into an analysis of the situation with her. Don’t make her feel like you want ANYTHING from her. Do not pressure her in any way. And let her do all the touching until you get back to the parking lot for your fifteen minutes of delight. Who knows, she just might see the light and let you know that she wants to take things further with you. But if that’s going to happen, the initiative has to come from her. If it never does, who cares? Remember, guys, it’s more fun to date girls who are
available. The Cell Phone versus the Home Phone
Number Dear Doc, I’ve got a question for you. I know that you make a big deal about how important it is to get a girl that you’re interested in to give you her home phone number. I agree with you. I’ve noticed that one of the tactics that women use to politely blow you off is to offer you their work number instead of their home number. But there’s an obvious third option that I haven’t heard you talk about that kind of confuses the issue. What about the cell phone number? Where does the cell phone fit into your “Only accept her home phone number” policy? It’s confusing because the cell phone is a kind of in-between thing. Looking at it one way, you could say that the cell phone number is an even more personal and intimate thing for a girl to give a guy because she carries her cell phone with her on her “person.” Also, it’s often easier to get hold of a girl on her cell phone? What do you say, Doc? Is it OK to accept a girl’s cell phone number in place of her home phone number? Marshall – who wants to know what the difference is Dear Marshall, Excellent question. These days it seems that most everyone has a cell phone. They’re an integral part of life in the 21st Century. Many people spend considerably more time talking on their cell phones than they do talking on their home phones. All right. So where does that leave us? It’s true that it’s often easier to get hold of a girl on her cell phone, but so what? It’s the home phone that’s more personal. Why? Because it’s at the place where she actually lives, where she eats and sleeps and bathes. Her home is an actual location. When you’re talking to her on her cell phone you don’t know where she is. When you’re talking to her on her home phone, you know exactly where she is. When a girl wants to give you her cell phone number in lieu of her home phone number, it means that she doesn’t want you to know where she’s located at any given time. She doesn’t want you to know any specifics about where she lives. To you Psych majors, It means that her Interest Level is low. And besides, I don’t want you talking to her when she’s driving and about to go through a tunnel where the connection might drop off. I don’t want you calling to ask her out while she’s at work and is having to deal with her boss who keeps coming on to her. I don’t want you reaching her while she’s out on a date with some other guy. When you call her for that first date, I want her to be in her safe comfy home environment, with no distractions, all relaxed and ready to give you her full attention. Whenever you ‘close’ a girl for her phone number you should always say the same five magic words that I always coach you guys to say: “What’s your HOME phone number?” Don’t be concerned if it feels like you’re being abrupt or too direct when you ask her. I want you to catch her off guard. It’s a way of testing her (true) Interest Level. Once those five magic words have left your lips, be silent. If you notice that she starts to squirm or fidget or hem and haw, don’t help her. Look deeply into her eyes. Stare her down. Don’t crack and speak again before she speaks. This is a test of her Interest Level and a test of your character. Watch and listen. Her body language will tell a whole story before she even says a word. When (and if) she gives you her number, ask her, “Is this your HOME phone number?” If she says, “No it’s my cell number. It’s the easiest way to get hold of me.” then you should say, “Great, what’s your home phone number?” If you never get the home number out of her, then put her on probation and wait two weeks to call her. But don’t expect her to keep any date that she makes with you. Why? Because she wouldn’t give you her HOME phone number. Remember, guys, nothing beats the home phone number. © 2002 DocLove Dot Com |
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