Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the issue of Relationships. This section is the 2002 Archive of DocLove's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archive 2004, 2003a, 2003b, 2002b, 2001, 2000.
DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions
from a mans perspective. So, set your ego aside, learn
to laugh at yourself, and e-mail him at email@example.com
or call 800.404.2644 and he will give you a snappy answer to
your silly love question one loaded with truth. You
do what he says, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When
he gets done with you, you will need more security than
Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, he promises
not to use your real name, or give it out. All questions
will be answered, but only the ones of general interest
printed. Please be specific and dont ramble.
Are You a
"Drifter" Who Never Falls in Love?
I can't thank you enough, Doc! Youre amazing! I was skeptical in the beginning when I first started reading your articles on askmen.com. But I'll tell you, now that Ive got your System I have to say its the best investment Ive ever made. I was dating a lot, but I was just never getting past more than one or two dates with ANY woman. I didnt even know how lost and confused I was. Now, it all makes sense.
Everything that I was doing to try to raise their Interest Level was exactly the opposite of what you teach. I was being pushy, insecure, pressuring women and making them uncomfortable. I was trying to be what my idea of a jerk" was because that's what it seemed to me that women really want. Nope. I get it now. What they really want is a gentleman who is a Challenge!
I got your materials approximately 48 hours ago. I've already read half of the manual and plan to read the whole thing at least 6 times. I went out and bought a whiteboard and markers last night. I'm diagramming and taking notes, just like school. This is work, but I love it. At least Im not stumbling around in the dark anymore. I've started to sit back and be patient. I have ceased complimenting women constantly.
The transformation in me is almost funny to watch. I can already see positive results in my interactions with women. I'm trying to go slowly and be the patient man, but I want to put all of these principles into effect immediately.
Somewhere along the way I lost confidence, control and the ability to be a Challenge. I don't know where, how, when, or why, but who cares? By the time I had read the first 20 pages of your manual, I felt the confidence returning, almost as if it was injected into my veins. I knew that I was in possession of a great tool. I'll compare it to the fountain of youth, a secret that men should be willing to kill for.
The thing that really hit home for me right off the bat was what you teach about the stupid ignorant things that we guys tend to habitually say to women. The lines that we think are going to get us somewhere, but actually lower their Interest Level before the first date is even over.
Now Im watching and listening with new eyes and ears. That was me. I was the guy who would say, So, have you ever had a one night stand? to a girl and then wonder why she didnt want to go out with me again.
As you can tell, Im walking on air with my new-found-wisdom, AND, if you have any extra examples of common lines that us guys tend to say to women that we think are romantic but are really a turn off, that would be extra cool. I want to learn as much as I can!
Please feel free to use me as a reference anytime. Thank you!
Ted who wants to spread the joy
Hey, Brother Ted,
Congratulations. After years of needless suffering youve found the truth, and the truth has set you free. God bless the Internet.
Some guys have to be spoon-fed the truth about women and relationships. Their egos wont permit them to take it all in at once. These types need to go through a de-programming process before they can allow themselves to accept all of the concepts of The System. Theyve spent too much time either listening to Feminista propaganda OR, trying to be Mr. Macho Boy. Fortunately, these guys ARE coachable.
Then theres another type of guy. The poor miserable bastard whos just too pig-headed to EVER get it. His ego is slowly strangling him. He wont even consider that he needs to learn ANYTHING about women even though he keeps getting burned. Hes one of what I call one of the lost souls. Hed rather be RIGHT than be happy. Or, as Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men would say to this guy, You cant handle the truth!
But YOU, my brother Ted, are on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. You LOVE the truth. Youre hungry for the truth. You were ripe and ready for a revelation and now you cant get enough. Youre having what the Eastern mystics would call - an awakening. So relax, enjoy it and continue to be patient as the awakening process unfolds.
All right, so youd like some more examples of counter-productive cliches that guys like to use on women. Stupid lines that are guaranteed to sink your ship of love before you can even get the sails up.
Ok. But first, lets examine the one that you already mentioned; So, have you ever had a one night stand? Now is that a classy thing to say to a woman? Is that going to make her feel comfortable? As they say in Argentina, No. When you ask a woman that question, all it does is instantly make her think, Oh God, heres another horny dog who just wants to get into my pants. You might as well just say, So, are you a slut?
I think that a guy asks a woman that question hoping that shell say something like, A one night stand? I LOVE one night stands. I cant wait to have another! And how often do you get that kind of answer? Maybe like, never(?) When asked the one night stand question, a woman usually either just says No or at best she says. Oh, I used to do that kind of thing but not any more. The Bottom Line Factor says that any way you look at it, asking this question is only going to lower a womans Interest Level. To you Psych majors, its a big turn-off.
Another question that guys will often ask a girl on a first date is: So what type of guy do you usually go out with? Now thats a pitifully weak way of trying to evaluate a womans Interest Level in you. When a guy asks a woman that question, what hes really asking is, Am I your type? which is a wimpy thing to ask. Its just as bad as asking, Do you like me? Would a woman ever have romantic fantasies about a guy who asks her, Do you like me? Only if shes a Feminista-control-freak.
If any of you guys have any doubts that these clumsy questions arent a common phenomena in the dating scene, just watch Blind Date and the other dating shows on TV.
For more examples and explanations of destructive dating clichés, Ted, finish studying The System. Youll find plenty more there.
Remember, guys, youre more attractive to women when
you dont ask stupid questions.
I have a problem that I need some help with. I dont know how many other guys have trouble with this. But even though its kind of embarrassing, Ill just tell you what it is, in hopes that you can help me out. The thing is, I never know where, when and even exactly how to first kiss a girl, any girl who Im out on a date with.
Once I get past that first kiss and I know that shes attracted to me, Im fine. But its that first, potentially awkward kiss that I really have trouble with. Im not good with timing at all and it seems like there are so many ways to get it wrong. Ive had some bad experiences in the past where, when I went for the kiss, my date said something like, What are you doing?! and seemed offended.
Ive also had more than a few experiences where the girl would kiss me back but almost reluctantly or with a kind of feeling like she was just being polite and then she would like change the subject and start asking me questions about something un-related. At those times Ive always felt like I just didnt do it right, like if I had been more suave and sophisticated that I would have gotten a better response.
So, do you have any tips on the proper execution of the first kiss? There are so many questions that come to mind on the topic. How long should you wait before you make your move? Should you always give her a nice compliment before you go for it? How do you know when the timing is right? Besides making sure that your breath is fresh (which I do) are there any other crucial dos and donts that you recommend? Please let me know what you know about this Doc. I respect your wisdom.
Clint who needs some pointers
No reason to be sheepish about your question. You might feel like youre the only guy on the planet who has this dilemma, but youre not, at all! Most guys are confused about these very same issues, at least at some time in their lives. Why? Because good mentors and role models for proper deportment with women are hard to come by.
Some guys have a natural, effortless mastery with women, but they are a minority. And most of the guys who ARE highly skilled and confident with women arent usually motivated to take the time and caring to help other men become more successful with women. The way most of us learn how to do it right is by trial and error lots of error and always on trial.
All right Clint. Here is some priceless information that will make a big difference for you. The number one rule of proper first kiss execution, is that you must be certain that you have built a strong sense of COMFORT for your date BEFORE you make your move. She doesnt HAVE to be in an altered state of blissful romantic anticipation, but she MUST feel physically and emotionally comfortable with you in general and particularly at the moment of truth.
Things that diminish a womans comfort level are: any talk of sex or comments about her body, staring at her breasts, complaints about ex-girlfriends, driving too fast, an environment thats too hot or too cold or unsafe in any way, a lack of privacy, loud noises, obnoxious room mates, creepy insects, bothersome pets, and a dirty,dusty house, to name a few things. Talking about anything negative, whether its how much you hate your boss or the last horror flick you saw, is also going to make her uncomfortable.
The way you build comfort is by keeping the conversation positive and light and by getting her to laugh as much as you can.
Also keep in mind that as youre about to go for it, YOU may not feel comfortable at all. But thats normal. After all, YOURE the one whos about to risk rejection, not her. But all that really matters is that SHE feels comfortable. SHE has to feel comfortable or forget it.
The other crucial key to proper first kiss execution is: DONT SAY ANYTHING. The easiest way to appear suave and sophisticated when you first make your move is to do it in silence. For instance, say that you and your date are sipping tea on her couch after the two of you have been out for a lovely meal. Try to get a couple of good one liners into the conversation if you can. Then make sure that shes finished saying anything she might have been sharing with you, give her a big smirk of a smile, and then silently and sweetly, lay one on her.
Dont try to justify your actions with a compliment. Dont try to excuse or explain what youre about to do. Dont try to motivate her by telling her much you like her. Dont ask her permission to kiss her, which she will perceive as weak and begging (unless her Interest Level is off the chart from the get-go)
Remember, the classic male archetype of womens romantic fantasies is The strong SILENT type. As my Uncle Jethro Love used to say, You cant wind up saying something that lowers her Interest Level OR her comfort level if you simply dont speak at all, now can you? So be Mr. Nike, and without a word - just do it.
Sometimes that first kiss happens magically and effortlessly, as if you and your date were actors in a romantic film with all the elements in perfect alignment. But more often, things dont flow so perfectly. Many times, going for that first kiss is like trying to change the dust bag on an old Hoover, no matter how careful you are, things get a bit messy. Thats OK. If the Interest Level is there, shell be happy that you went for it, regardless of any lack of elegance in your approach. To you Psych majors, when they like you, they help you AND they give you the benefit of the doubt.
Clint, If you had told me that all women whom you try to kiss, respond negatively to you, then Id really have to grill you to find out what you were consistently doing to turn them all off. But since you are reporting that some women DO respond positively to your overtures, then Id say that the only problem with those other women was that they simply had low Interest Level.
I think youve been judging yourself too harshly. Its normal to be rejected more often than youre accepted by women. Dating is a numbers game and thats just the way the game works. Its not that unusual for a woman to respond in a non-enthusiastic manner when you give her the smooch test, but the next one just might suck your tongue out of your head.
So after youve tried my suggestions, Clint, write me back. Im certain youll have some better experiences to report. And the next time a woman whom youve just kissed for the first time acts offended and says to you, What are you doing? just tell her, Im trying to bring a little sunshine into your life.
Remember, guys, always make certain that shes
comfortable before you make your move.
I met Miss Right about three months ago, and we hit it off quickly. She told me she didnt want to play games and that she believed in being totally honest. So I told her the truth, that I hadnt dated in quite awhile and that I was very available. Well, wouldnt you know it, she lost interest in me after I told her that. She went from about 85% Interest Level in me to probably about 40%.
So, I got your book a few weeks ago, and even though I thought it was probably a lost cause, I started to apply some of the principles of The System with her. Well, I have to tell you that your stuff works because the next time we went out she was all over me. It went so well that we made plans to go kayaking in two weeks.
I called her a few days later just to talk. She said she was too busy to talk but she told me to call her on Thursday. I called her on Thursday and I asked her if she wanted to go out before our little trip. She said - yes - she had Monday off, so I said Good, well go out then.
Then I called her on Sunday just to confirm things for Monday and to chat for awhile, hoping that I could raise her Interest Level a little more before we went out the next day. We talked for about 45 minutes about all kinds of things, and I got her to laugh a few times too.
So, we got together the next day and things seemed to be OK but she wasnt all over me like the last time. I guess I must have done something to lower her Interest Level again, but I dont know what that was. What did I do wrong Doc, and what would you say should be my next move?
Carlos who wants to know what to do now
Lets start at the beginning of your story and work our way through it.
First of all, whenever a woman tells you that she doesnt want to play games, you can bet your sweet bippy that the games have already begun. In fact, your odds of finding any woman who doesnt play games are about as good as finding a ten-year-old whos never heard of Harry Potter. Your initial mistake, Carlos, was that you fell for this girls rap, decided to be honest and let her know that you hadnt had a date since Michael Jackson had a nose.
You thought that this gesture of honesty would raise her Interest Level in you, but of course it didnt. To you Psych majors, she got turned off when he did what she said she wanted. Fortunately, Carlos, you started studying The System and you changed course. Just remember, for the future; never buy into this you can be honest with me crap from a female. Theyll always penalize you for doing it. And theyll always deny that they penalize you for doing it.
Its great that youre gaining an understanding of the importance of doing things to raise a womans Interest Level, Carlos. But, youre still going about it all wrong! You need to read and study ALL of the materials. The way that you raise a womans Interest Level is by being a Challenge. Now, Carlos, ask yourself, would a guy who is a Challenge be calling a girl every few days to chat with her like one of her girlfriends? Would a guy who is an unpredictable wildman be dutifully dialing up the woman he is wooing according to the schedule she has dictated to him?
If Alexander Graham Bell knew what blunders men would make with his invention, he would have scrapped the whole idea. The telephone should be used only for making dates. Thats it. If she wants to talk more after youve made your plans with her, tell her to save the conversation for the date.
Also, once youve made a date with a girl, do not call her for another date before you go out on the date that you last arranged with her, unless you want her to think of you as a needy Loser who hasnt scored since the 90s.
The best thing to do now, Carlos, is wait a full two weeks to call her. When you do, commit to keeping the conversation down to less than five minutes. Then, when youre out with her, keep her laughing and only do things that a guy who is a Challenge would do.
Remember, guys, talking on the phone is
I have a two-part question for you:
1) I recently developed a mad crush on a woman and to find out what my chances are, I sent her flowers at work. She genuinely seemed to appreciate the gesture, but she told me she had "just started" seeing someone else -- though she said she'd be willing to go out for coffee with me. Is she just being nice, or could she be leaving a door open? Might she even be lying about "seeing someone else" to distance herself a little while she decides whether she's interested in me or not?
2) I am a fairly good poet, and this woman has inspired me to write what I think is my best, most romantic love poem ever. On the one hand I'd like to share it with her, in the hopes it may melt her heart (it's that good); on the other hand I'm afraid it may creep her out by making her think I'm desperate and obsessed. Any thoughts?
Max who wants to know if he is on the right track
Instead of flowers you should have sent her an engagement ring. Why waste time, Max, everyone knows that women hate Challenge. To you Psyche majors, Im being facetious.
I look at Elle Magazine, and I have crushes on all of the models with blonde hair and bee stung lips. But guess what? Women do the choosing. And, Max, the guy that a hot blonde chooses isnt the guy who comes on heavy with flowers and love poems. And she certainly doesnt choose the guy who comes on heavy with flowers and love poems before hes even had a first date with her (unless hes a rock star.)
Yes, of course, she appreciated your floral gesture, Max. All women, even Feministas like flowers. But the question of life is: does she like YOU. If flowers created true Interest Level, guys would be handing out bunches of them in front of modeling agencies all day long. A stronger approach would have been to just ask this gal for her home number rather than sending her roses. When you ask a woman for her home phone number you reveal that you have interest in her. But by only asking for her phone number without coming on heavy with compliments or gifts, you maintain a sense of Challenge and mystery. Since youre the man, Max, its your job to be the initiator. You have to come on first. But The System says, You do it in a very minimal way. Get it?
Yes, Max, the odds are that she WAS just being nice when she said she was willing to have coffee with you. Might she even be lying about "seeing someone else" to distance herself a little while she decides whether she's interested in you? Girls with high Interest Level dont deceive you, and they dont need time to decide.
Ok, so her Interest Level in you doesnt seem to be very high at this point. But Im going to give you some tactics that will raise her Interest Level in you IF it can be raised. Remember, if her Interest Level in you is below 50%, it wont matter what we try. But if its above 50% we have a shot. So here are some cool moves you can make.
Ask her out for coffee, but wait 2 weeks before you do, because by this time, odds are, the other guy will be lowering her Interest Level. This move will also throw her off because she will have been expecting you to jump on her offer like an eager beaver. We have to be unpredictable and gain some ground because of the flowers fiasco.
Now the rule is that you never talk of other women, but in this case, because we have to bump off the competition, were going to make an exception. When she asks you about your love life, tell her that women stalk you after a few dates. When she asks you why, say: I dont know, its like a blessing and a curse, and then wink at her like the cat that just ate the canary.
And finally, Max, if you havent gotten the message about sappy poetry yet, allow me to reiterate: do not give her any love poems unless you want her to think of you as a little puppy dog looking for a home. As my cousin, Fast Eddy Love, would say, if her heart needs melting, begging aint gonna to do it. But when you use Challenge instead, then youve got some heat workin for you.
Remember, guys, always do what is right.
Im 28 years old and without bragging or exaggerating, I can tell you that I am very pretty and I get hit on several times a week. But just for fun I decided that I would be adventurous and see what type of guy I might meet if I tried Internet dating. Let me tell you about my experience on matchmaker.com. In the first week of my membership I received 700+ letters. It would be just about impossible to respond to all of them, even if I wanted to.
I am trying hard to be honest with those guys that I do not have a high Interest Level in, but they do not always make it easy! Some guys get really upset when I don't respond. One guy wouldn't stop sending letters to me, so I blocked his mail and he opened a new account to bypass it!
Out of all the guys who have sent me mail I have gone on about four dates, and out of those, one seems promising. The guys that I have responded to have a certain kind of look that Im into. (I only respond to profiles that include a photo.) They also demonstrate qualities of class and confidence in what they write about themselves.
But the things that a lot of these guys do are unbelievable. I got an interesting reply today, a small novel that was way too intimate. I just can't fathom how these guys think they will succeed when their methods are so wacko!
Maybe you can give men some guidance specifically on Internet dating and help them to stop doing things that turn women off.
Reva who wants to help you educate guys
Before we get to help the guys, I must first bust you on your Womanese. A woman who looks like you could walk into a Muslim mosque and get more propositions in ten minutes than the average guy gets in his entire lifetime. If you received 700+ responses in one week, youre not pretty, youre BEAUTIFUL.
Also, when you say that you decided to try Internet dating just for fun, I dont think you were being totally honest. What you really meant (Im the first man in 6000 years to be able to decipher the secret vernacular of females) was that since you havent met the kind of guy whom youd like to connect with at work, clubs, parties or the gym, you were hoping that the Internet might be a more efficient resource for finding Mr. Right. So you didnt do it just for fun did you?
But thank you for sharing your story with us. You have given us an interesting insight into the foxy females Internet experience and we can definitely learn from it.
First of all, guys, realize that any beautiful woman who has posted a picture on an Internet dating site is indeed going to be deluged with responses. A total of 700+ e-mails in a gorgeous babes in-box during her first week of membership are not an uncommon occurrence. Since she cant possibly read all the bios, what does she do? She screens by checking the photos. She goes by physical appearance. (This is one way in which guys and gals are alike.)
Knowing that she first screens by appearance highlights the necessity for having a photo that shows you at your best. So, I highly recommend that you spend the time and money on a professional photo session. Its worth it if youre serious about Internet dating.
When you embark on the Internet dating adventure, guys, you need to have a realistic awareness of the odds that you face. Even on the dating sites with the highest ratio of women to men, were still talkin only about 45% kitty cats to 55% dogs. And any woman who is reasonably attractive will receive hundreds of responses. Whereas, the average guy will receive about one or two unsolicited responses from women every so often, unless, of course, he looks like George Clooney.
Now let me emphasize that when you initiate contact with a female member of an Internet dating service, you cannot be emotionally attached to whether or not you hear back from her. Say for instance, that you find a womans profile with a headline that says: CALL ME CRAZY, BUT IM LOOKING FOR A MAN WHO IS 66+, SPEAKS PORTUGUESE AND LOVES TO SURF ALASKA. LOOKS ARENT IMPORTANT! You are taller than Shaquille ONeil is; you have a Masters degree in Portuguese and every summer you shoot the curl on the coast of the 49th state.
You politely inform this gal that, amazingly, you fit her criteria perfectly. But, to your astonishment you never hear back from her. In such a case, do not send more e-mail saying: Hey, why didnt you write me back? Instead, simply remember this principle: Women will tell you what they want, but 99.999% of them are incapable of telling you what they will actually respond to. And besides, begging never raises Interest Level.
Its definitely a numbers game on the net. So dont waste her time or yours by sending a long letter when you first correspond. Certainly dont send her a small novel (which she experiences as pressure). And absolutely do not send her a small EROTIC novel. Mentioning sex in any way is guaranteed to get you instantly rejected, unless shes a biker broad.
Instead, just pop off a quick note that says something like: Hi Caprice, I enjoyed reading your profile, and I liked your picture. Check out mine and write me back if you think theres potential. Always apply the principles of The System whenever you are pitching a woman on the Net. Keep it short and sweet.
Since youll get somewhere between 1-2 responses for every 10 that you send out, and half of those will be rejections, send out messages to several gals. If you keep trolling and youre persistent, youll wind up with some quality leads.
Remember, guys, dating on the Net is a numbers game.
I have been a student of "The System" for about six months now, and my romantic life has improved immeasurably. It has also taught me a great deal about where I've gone wrong in the past. Looking back on past failures, and looking forward in the hope of avoiding future failures, I have a question about one of your key concepts -- CHALLENGE.
I think I understand how to apply Challenge in the first sixty days and beyond that into the first four or five months of a relationship. (For the first sixty days, keep 'em guessing if you like them, then, keep them guessing about how much you like them). But what happens to CHALLENGE once the relationship has been acknowledged as serious and long-term by both the man and the woman? What happens after the "I love you's" have been said? What happens after you get married or just move in together?
When I look back at failed relationships, using the principles of The System as my guide, I am amazed at how accurate The System is in explaining my initial successes and my subsequent failures. Time and again -- without even realizing it -- I've presented a "Challenge" to the woman for the first sixty days -- and sometimes for several months after that. But there always comes a point, after we've moved in together, where I've lost all concept of Challenge and where things have become predictable and stale, or where I've lost whatever sense of mystery I might have had. That's when her Interest Level has started to sink.
My question to you, Doc, is: what are some examples of how Challenge can be applied over a long-term relationship? Once she knows you have high Interest Level, and that you're going to be around indefinitely, how do you apply Challenge? How do you remain mysterious or aloof when you're living under the same roof? How do you get her to continue chasing you, if you're waking up in the same bed together month after month? She knows you're going to be her date on Friday and Saturday night because you've been involved for eight months and you're living together -- or youre married! So how do you remain a Challenge?
Willis - who realizes the importance of Challenge and wants to keep it going over the long haul
Let me help you out here. Even though you and a woman may be living together, either as lovers or as husband and wife, you need not lose all concept of Challenge. It is certainly possible to maintain a sense of mystery and Challenge over the long haul.
Lets get right to the heart of the matter and address one of the stickiest, trickiest and most challenging Challenge problems that arise in a long-term relationship. Im talking about the confrontation that can make a 64 Navy Seal commando shiver with fear and trepidation. Yes, I mean the dreaded I love you problem.
All serious students of The System know that you, the man, should never be the first to say, I love you. And its best that once your honey whispers those three lovely words to you, you do not immediately reciprocate. You cant be a Pavlovian dog who automatically responds to stimulus. Anyway, its unnatural for a man to say such things. Would Clint Eastwood be caught dead saying something so syrupy? Would rapper Ice-T ever speak in such a sissified manner? Would the Terminator even talk at all except to strike terror into the hearts of his adversaries?
The point Im getting to is that one of the most powerful ways that you can maintain a sense of Challenge in your long-term relationship is to say I love you ONLY OCCASIONALLY. You can say it to your woman once on the day you get married to her and then again when shes just had your baby. And of course, if something happens to her, like she gets hit by a truck and is recovering in the hospital, thats also a time to tell her. Otherwise, the best way to let a woman know that you love her is through your actions, not your words. Your physical presence tells her that you are committed while your silence keeps up the Challenge factor.
If you have a good woman who truly loves you, she will tell you that she loves you often. Let her do it. You can smile and grunt with delight and hug her and hold her when she does, but its best that you dont say anything. Even though she may complain that you dont say I love you back, in the grand scheme of things, shell be happier because her romantic Interest Level in you will stay much higher than if you were dutifully parroting those words back to her whenever she said them to you.
Now I know what youre thinking. Women dont let up. What the hell do you do when your gal really puts on the pressure because she hasnt heard the L word from you in months? Well, heres a tip. Try this. Say, All right, Sweetheart, Im going to make a big deposit in your love bank right now that should last for months and months. Then playfully say, I love you I love you I love you I love you . a total of about thirty times or so.
Or you can say, with a twinkle in your eye Honey, didnt you marry me because you knew I was the strong SILENT type? You wouldnt want me to change myself now just to get your approval would you? How could you respect me if I did? When the going gets tough, diffuse the situation with ambiguity and humor. You can do it!
If you employ this romantic strategy while continuing to give your mate plenty of affection, her Interest Level will remain high and shell never leave you.
Remember, guys, in a long-term relationship, keep your
heart open and your mouth shut.
Dear Doc Love,
Ive checked out several of your articles and I must tell you that I am appalled at what Ive read.
You seem to think that any woman who isnt anorexic is not worth the time of day. Whats with you? You make fun of Oprah and Rosie ODonnell for being overweight, and then you praise skinny women with plastic breasts. Did you ever consider that perhaps Rosie and Oprah are the size they are because thats the way nature made them? Why should they starve themselves for mens approval?
Many loving sweet kind women are overlooked because they dont fit your of rigid standards of beauty. I encourage you to check out the following facts and figures:
There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only a handful who do.
And even though I know that youll laugh at this, Im including a little
poem for you Doc, as food for thought.
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes
Because that is the doorway to her heart
The place where love lies
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul
Lucinda who thinks that you are a total bigot Doc Love
The Bible says that gluttony is a sin. But when I watch overweight preachers on TV Sunday morning they speak only of the other six deadly sins. Why? Because in America, fat is sacred.
Yesterday I saw an obese woman using a cane to waddle her way through the supermarket because she couldnt carry her own weight. With her tree trunk calves and her tiny feet in her tiny shoes, she looked like a 747 sporting Volkswagen tires.
Now, Lucinda, I know what you would say about her. Youd say shes not responsible for her slovenly, self-destructive eating habits. She cant and need not control how much she eats. She should be able to look however she wants and not be judged on her appearance. And everyone knows that it wouldnt be politically correct to criticize her.
Well I dont care how much the various full figured gals may glorify their excess poundage. Fat is not beautiful and, more importantly, its not healthy. Overweight people are at risk for diabetes, heart attacks, high blood pressure and wearing out the living room carpet before its time. Food is meant to be used for fuel, not as a way to escape lifes problems.
When a man picks a potential long-term partner, he must first look at her Interest Level. Then through the process of dating, he should evaluate her habits and attitudes. Does she have integrity? Is she a giver or a taker? Is she structured or flexible? Is she self-reliant? Is she a functioning adult? Does she practice self-control or is she run by her emotions? And does she have any unhealthy habits or addictions like, drugs, tobacco or FOOD!
Most importantly, I want men to pick women who are not overweight for partners so they will raise the kids to be healthy and not have eating disorders. Statistics show that if the parents are overweight, 90% of the time the kids also turn out to have weight problems.
Lucinda, please allow me to clear up something. Ive never said that all women should be model thin. Nature has made both ectomorphs and endomorphs of both genders. And each body type has its corresponding healthy weight range (and unhealthy weight range.)
Additionally, different men have different tastes in women. Some men prefer medium sized gals and some get excited about gals who are on the hefty side. America is a free country and to each his own. But the Reality Factor says that the majority of men prefer women who are not overweight. Like it or not Lucinda, thats the way it is on the street, just as women prefer wealthy men to guys who are on welfare.
Lucinda, lets get real. Be honest. Imagine that you had a friend who was trying to set you up with a handsome, charming fellow who weighed 300 pounds and would crush a camel if he tried to ride one. When you told your friend (as you surely would) that hes just not my type, would you be any different from a guy who rejects a pretty girl because shes the same height and weight as Oprah?
By the way, the reason that models now weigh 23% less than the average woman instead of 8% less is because the average woman is now 15% heavier than she was 20 years ago. The models arent getting thinner. People are getting fatter! Government statistics report that over 40% of the population are clinically overweight. To you Psych majors theyre obese.
Now youve provided us with another interesting statistic Lucinda. Seven out of ten women get bummed out when they look at fashion magazines. But curiously, women dont seem to feel depressed, guilty and shameful enough when they look at those magazines to stop buying those magazines.
Now here is a poem for you, Lucinda:
Roses are red, violets are blue. If you want your girlfriend to look like Oprah, just have her eat like her too.
Remember, guys, if shes fat now, just wait until
after youve said I do.
Dear Doc Love:
I had to comment on the advice you gave to your guys about the woman who refuses to give out her phone number which, you say, shows her low Interest Level.
I don't agree that that means she must have a low level of interest. I would never give out my phone number without first getting to know the person. You never asked whether the woman had possibly been subjected to repeated phone calls and messages left on her answering machine. Why should anyone have to change their phone number?
You said that a woman is supposed to take chances for a guy she's dying to see but the guy isnt supposed to take chances. You say that if shes not flexible, she's out, period. What happened to a guy being flexible?
Youre telling men to size up women as if theyre purchasing a car. Why don't you start by teaching people to respect one another? This isn't a battle. Its a date.
Mary Angela - who thinks you, should be going for anger management, not giving out advice
Hi Mary Angela,
Speaking of car purchases, I just sold my Toyota truck to buy my PT Crusier. (The Toyota was in perfect condition and I had all the maintenance records.) I love statistics so I kept track of the potential buyers who called. The 17th caller bought the truck but the first 16 had a lot in common. They all asked a lot of questions.
Some said they would call back when they had time to come over to see it but never did. Some made appointments to come over to drive it and never showed up.
A few drove the truck but for some reason I dont have any money was the best did not buy it. One buyer called every other day to find out if I had sold it, but he somehow never had the time to come over and take a look at it.
The guy who bought it No. 17 did something the others didnt. He asked no questions over the phone except, Whats your address? Ill be there in 20 minutes. He came over, drove it for a couple of miles and handed me the cash (not a check.)
As you can see, I had to weed through sixteen lookyloos and strokers. Sixteen bored and lonely people who entertained themselves by wasting my time. The odds in dating should be so good.
The point is: only number seventeen had high Interest Level.
The System is an efficiency program. It filters out the Low Interest Looky-loos, the Feministas, the Psychos, the Controllers, the Golddiggers, and the Professional Daters. It shows men who the REAL women are. How? By teaching the fine art and science of observing and interpreting womens actions.
Now allow me to point out, Mary Angela, that you are seriously deluded when you say that I think that a man shouldnt take chances in dating. On the contrary, if a man endeavors to be successful in dating he must be prepared to take risks constantly. Its the man who has to put his ego on the line in every phase of the dating process.
Its the man who must approach the woman, strike up a conversation and make her laugh. Its the man who has to ask for her home phone number. Its the man who must call the woman and ask her out. Its the man who must make the move for the first kiss. He faces rejection constantly, at every turn. All that the woman must do is show up and look good. Without ever once risking rejection in her entire lifetime she can still have her choice of thousands of men to date.
Every day, tens of thousands of men dutifully face rejection from women and are given no credit for it by women. Women expect men to take all the risks of initiating and consider it mens job to do so.
Ask any woman if shed like to trade places with men and the ones who answer honestly will all tell you No thanks. Often theyll add something like; Oh I tried that. I took the initiative and asked a guy out once, and he didnt like it. I think that men are threatened when a woman is aggressive. Ill never try that again.
They get rejected ONCE and then give up forever. Besides that, they blame the guy. If guys chickened out so easily no one would ever have any dates!
If a guy asks two women at a club for their home phone numbers and one gives it to him, but the other says, Its better if I call you, which woman is he more likely to have a relationship with? If a guy asks two women at a party for their home phone numbers and one gives it to him and the other says, Give me your business card, which one is he more likely to go the distance with?
My students are taught to call twice and then if the woman does not accept and keep a date, to throw her number away. Apparently, Mary Angela, youve had some bad experiences, but not with my boys because you would have been history before they never called.
Remember, guys, dating is a numbers game.
My name is Tom and I have a problem with a girl that I have been seeing. My wife of 12 years had passed away ten months ago and I am now forcing myself to start dating again. I met Dana through a mutual friend, so she was aware that I am a widower, and she already knows about some of my past.
I went out with her a few times and we really hit it off. The problem is that after the second date she tells me that she has been seeing someone for two years. Before we even went on a date I specifically asked if she had a boyfriend and she said no.
She continued to tell me that she was unhappy with her boyfriend because he had previously cheated on her for a year. After that they broke up, but he eventually talked her into getting back together. She also said that hes always too busy for her and that she is tired of always being last on his list.
I have heard that her parents hate this boyfriend and a lot of her friends have stopped talking to her because of him. I told her that if her dating me was becoming a problem for her that I was willing to just be friends. Her reply was that she was confused and didnt know how long we could last as just friends. Besides that, she would always wonder what it would be like to be a couple with me.
The last time I saw her she came over to my house after being stood up by the boyfriend and was all over me, so I know that there is some type of attraction. But lately I feel that I am being treated as second fiddle to the boyfriend.
It seems that shes calling the shots and will only see me when the boyfriend isnt around, and it seems like I am the one who does all of the calling.
I do think that I screwed up on the first few times that I was with her, because I was trying to sell myself to her that I was the better choice, so I told her that I really liked her and I then sent her flowers. I know that those were mistakes from reading your materials but I want to see if I can do something right now to become a Challenge to her. I really like her and would like to win her over. I just bought your program but I need some advice right away before I do something else stupid.
Tom who is still learning
You can say that again, you are definitely still learning. Never tell a woman whom youre attracted to that youre willing to just be friends. Its a pathetically weak and wimpy thing to do.
But lets back up. This girl is easier to read than a stop sign. Right out of the chute she gave you a giant red flag. You asked her if she had a boyfriend and she told you that she didnt. Then when you saw her again she told you that she DID have a boyfriend! So, Tom before you even had your first date with her she lied to you. Shes a liar. That right there is enough to disqualify her as a potential partner.
And here you are now, getting all emotionally psyched up about her. Youd never go into business with a liar, why would you consider pursuing a romantic relationship with one? Use some common sense dude!
And Ill tell you something else, Tom; shes not confused. Youre the one whos confused. Shes got you completely bamboozled and you've signed up for all of it.
This gal Dana is obviously a phony and a stroker. She throws you a bone to get you hooked and gives you a glimmer of hope so she can keep you around as her butler and therapist. But the way things have played out so far, Id say thered be peace in the Middle East before youll ever be lovers with this chick.
Tom, shes not worth trying to win over. But if youd like to use her to practice at being strong with a woman instead of weak, Ill tell you what you can do. Just as an experiment, become a Negative Challenge to her like her boyfriend is. Stand her up, put her down and boss her around. Thatll get her hooked on you, but you wont want to keep what you wind up with.
Remember, guys, she cannot teach your kids to be honest
if she doesnt know how.
Is it normal for a couple to make love once every four to five months? I could easily make love everyday, but my wife of twelve years has lost interest. She claims it's a side effect of the medicine she takes for panic attacks, but in reality, her interest in sex went away a few years before the medicine. At that time, her excuse for her lack of interest was the panic attacks themselves (Catch-22?). She claims that she loves me, but I sometimes wonder if thats really the case. What do you think, Doc?
Terry who wants to know if she can ever get back in the mood
I bet youre hearing these lines:
Please, Terry, is that all you think of? We just did it four months ago! Have you been looking at those movies again? Dont touch me! Even a cold cat likes to be stroked so whats her excuse?
No offense, guy, but if you have to ask the first question from your letter, then you dont know what normal is. Dont you think that some wives out there still chase hubby around the dining room table when the kids are away, even after twelve years of cloying sameness? Im telling you that such women do exist! On the other hand, I know there are millions of miserably married men out there who rationalize their loveless lives because of their three brats and their 30-year house loan. Youre not alone in your ignorance of healthy relationships, Ter.
Your wife blames her medication for her deep freeze mode, but you said her problem began years before. Can you see the convenient consistency in her two excuses? In both cases, she doesnt have to touch you.
Yes Ter, she did put you into a Catch-22 situation. The great thing about her health excuse is that you become the ogre if you try to be intimate with her. She may even end up saying that you are the cause of her panic attacks! In fact, I would venture to say that panic attacks arent your wifes real problem - attacks of Low Interest Level are!
To be sure about her actual degree of feelings for you, heres a test you can use. Ask yourself if she has ever done any of the following for you:
1. Put her arms around you and/or kissed you for no reason
2. Complimented you on your looks
3. Sat very close to you at a restaurant or on the couch at home
4. Gave you a massage
in other words, has she ever been all over you? If she hasnt, you may have married a Professional Dater a woman who marries in spite of her low Interest Level.
Why are the above gestures so important? Because they show affection - the natural result of high Interest Level - which in a happy marriage, leads to lovemaking.
No matter what her physical condition may be, a clinically sane woman with high Interest Level in her husband (or in any other guy), can always express affection. But when her Interest Level is in the dumps, this task becomes too uncomfortable for her to accomplish.
Because a woman with high Interest Level would do anything to please you, she would show you affection even if she were lying in a hospital bed in a body cast! Seriously, Ter cant you see that a woman who really loved you would be willing to come up with some kind of love compromise? Unless you left some important details out of your question, Ter, Id say your wife is unwilling to work with you toward a solution which means that your marriage is in a tailspin. Sorry, guy.
Ter You have a lot of soul-searching to do. You must determine whether or not your moral and religious background says you must stay with a woman who does not love you. If you do stay, wear a happy face and be sweet to her especially in front of your kids, if you have any.
Remember guys, happily married women with high Interest
Level dont nag, get headaches, or ever refuse a
A waitress I like works at a restaurant I go to a lot. I gave her my business card and on a couple of occasions after that, we spoke about going out sometime. She was very open to the idea.
Before leaving town for a holiday, she gave me her cell phone number. I called her and we had a nice chat. When she got back, we talked a little about her vacation while I was at the restaurant. Later that evening, we had a long chat over the phone.
I eventually called her and asked her out. She responded by asking, Why me? I explained that I wanted to get to know her better. When I mentioned that we would go to the theatre, she seemed to like the idea. She then asked me when I needed to know for certain whether or not she could go because she wasnt sure about the whole thing and wanted to think it over very carefully. I said that the earlier she told me the better because I was getting the tickets and I wanted the best seats.
She called me the next night to say that she had thought a lot about my offer, and though she would love to go to the theatre, she had to respectfully decline. She was sorry for disappointing me, but she didnt think it was a good idea to mix business and pleasure. I told her that I understood and I respected her wishes. She thanked me a lot for being so understanding and that very few men were as understanding as I was. We carried on a while longer, having a whole other chat.
Though we didnt go out, she was very nice and decent about the whole thing. All in all, I think things ended nicely. What do you think, Doc?
Frederick who wants to know what his next move is
If you were only interested in a chatting partner, then things went great, but if you were looking for a girlfriend, Id say you failed miserably. Chatting was all you ever did with this girl, Frederick. Well, at least no one could ever accuse you of coming on too heavy!
You remind me of certain salesmen from my selling days who could put on a beautiful presentation but never close the deal. Chatting is fine when you lack crucial details about a woman (like her name) but after a while, the chatting has to cease and you have to ask for the order the womans home phone number.
Notice that I said: ask for her home phone number - not her work number or cell phone number. Why? Because only the home phone number demonstrates sufficient female Interest Level; the other numbers are meant to appease you and keep you at arms length (not to mention that they are prone to problems such as sudden disconnections due to angry bosses or freeway overpasses).
So, as you can see, Frederick; you asked what your second move was, when in reality, you had not even made your first move.
But neglecting to ask for her home phone number wasnt your only error. Giving this lady your business card and repeatedly talking about going out (before actually making a date) also hurt your cause.
Women love confidence. But when a man tries to broach the subject of dating by dropping hints, it makes him appear timid. Rightly or wrongly, she perceives his business cards and his nebulous suggestions to go out sometime as cowardly measures to avoid her disapproval. As a man, you must have the guts to brave rejection and ask the woman out directly. You must act as if her opinion doesnt affect you. In fact, it doesnt. Why not? Because you only care about finding that lucky woman who has high Interest Level in you; youre not trying to get the approval of every woman in town.
Before you think I will only devote space in my column to pick on you, Frederick, let me say that your girls record isnt clean either. First, she threw you a curve ball when she asked, Why me? Its hard to find a better indicator of low Interest Level than a girl playing dumb after you ask her out. Ill bet she even fluttered her eyelashes for dramatic effect!
Then she said to you: I need to think it over very carefully. You only asked her out to the theatre, not to move to Mongolia! This girl gets an A in Womens Stalling Techniques 101. Needing to think about going out on a date is Womanese for: Ive already forgotten about it!
Then she added, Thank you for your understanding, Which was Womanese for: Thank you for not going berserk on me like the last guys I tricked. First, she waits until the absolute last minute to tell you she never had high Interest Level in you - then she thanks you for excusing her behavior through your words. You made her work so easy! This is a good example of, as the column title states: Women Dont Lie Men Dont Listen.
By settling for this girls cell phone number instead of her home phone number, and for chats instead of a real date, you swallowed this girls hooks whole! And being the big fish that you are, Frederick, you kept biting - hoping that eventually, she would pull you into her love boat. Instead, you ended up on a tramp steamer. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, She worked you over good, boy!
Its truly shocking how you were so pleased over nothing, Frederick - but thats why I was put on earth: to make sure that you good guys out there never get confused or rejected again! As for your next move, Frederick, flush that number down the toilet where it belongs, eat at another restaurant, and only chat with the women who date you!
Remember, guys in sales or in dealing with women,
youve got to Close, close, close.
Dear Doc Love,
I am a woman who has been around the block at least once, and I just have to tell you that I think your advice is very accurate and honest. I am 38, divorced, have children (with whom I have a very open rapport about everything from sex to politics), and I have the most incredible relationship with the most wonderful man on this earth! It is actually he who introduced me to your column, and he still reads it to me every week.
Doc, one of the most amazing things about my sweetheart is that all the things that you promote and teach men seem to come very naturally to him. He has been mysterious, a Challenge (it was definitely me that did all the pursuing), and I cannot think of a man that has been more intriguing to me. He is extremely romantic, loving and committed all at the same time.
You know the funny thing is that when Randy first read me your column, the modern, slightly defensive side of me said, "Horsefeathers!" But ironically, on closer examination of your response, when he and I discussed it and I actually put myself in that situation, I realized that you really have a very realistic understanding of male/female dynamics and behaviors.
I am quite happy and proud to say that I love being a woman and everything that that means to me. I love being able to create life and nurture it and experience the most incredible pleasure, all within the same body. I love being able to dress up and look good for my sweetheart, or just wear no makeup and be casual with him. I love sending him little cards and gifts just to tell him that I love him, or being there to offer him a glass of wine and a shoulder when he has had a rough day. I love shopping for beautiful outfits as much for my own pleasure as for his, and I love the feeling of his warmth next to me at night. And he appreciates it all and shows it in return.
So, to all the women out there who find my behavior and attitude offensive and weak (and I'm sure there are a few), all I have to say is that I just dont care. Maybe they need to open up their minds and hearts and stop denying their feminine sides, and then they will see just how much they receive in return when they give instead of holding back. Until that time I really believe that they are missing out on something truly wonderful.
In the meantime Doc, keep up the good work! Anyone who gives candid and honest advice on how to improve relationships (both single and married) is doing us all a HUGE service.
Karen - the non-politically correct "girly-girl"
Its refreshing to hear from a woman like you. You get an A plus in the attitude department and Randy is a very lucky guy.
To your credit, youve ignored the Feministas who have tried to convince women that they must compete with men and beat them at their own game. But many of your sisters have been brainwashed and have become Amazon warriors, striving to outdo men and show them whos the better man. Ironically, the further down that road they go, the more unhappy they become.
Men dont want to compete with women. They may be momentarily impressed with a gal who can ruthlessly kick butt and play hardball harder than the best of the boys, but shes not the type theyd be drawn to have as the mother of their children. The enlightened woman, like you, Karen, knows that her true source of power is her femininity.
You know that as a woman you have choices in the way that you get what you want and need from the man in your life. A woman can try to control her man with criticism and nagging, or she can use her feminine grace to motivate him.
A woman does not give up her power when she is sweet and supportive. Rather, she empowers both her man and herself. A good woman makes her man feel like hes a better man than he knows he really is. And, when hes receiving that level of support and appreciation, hes happy to do what makes her happy. Its a win/win kind of a situation.
Also, what helps to make it all work so well for you, Karen, is that you are with a man who is mature enough to appreciate your giving nature without trying to take advantage. And, you both have mutually high romantic interest in each other.
To you men out there, Karen is the kind of gal you want to be with, someone who is a real giver.
Remember, guys, always pick a girl who is sweet and
I just read your most recent article at www.menstuff.org
In my experience I have lost some great women because I didnt call them right away or enough. As the girl in your last article said, when a guy calls her after a week she does not feel special any more. Women have walked away from me because of that very reason. You cannot argue with real life experience.
Women do want a Challenge but not in the form of a lack of attention. They want it in the form of not being able to control the man and have their way with him. I believe the man still needs to be attentive right off the bat but his attention must be strictly on his terms and not on her terms. This means going where he wants to and doing what he wants and not giving into her requests and whims or trying to make her feel good so that she will like him.
By making the distinction that his attention, affection and complements are something that he gives on his own terms, the woman can see that she has not yet won him over and is not able to control him so, he remains a Challenge and raises her Interest Level.
Acting this way has resulted in me having the biggest successes with women. Plenty of attention right away, but on my terms, based on what I want without letting the woman control me. Waiting to call is a mistake.
Cary who thinks you are missing something
You say that I teach Challenge via lack of attention. Well you obviously havent studied The System thoroughly. I coach men to look at womens eyes whenever theyre talking and to be a great listener. And when they combine those qualities with patience and proper timing, they start to become winners in the dating game instead of losers.
But even though youre off the track on proper dating /telephone etiquette, your insights about the importance of not seeking approval from women are right on the money. Although, what youre talking about has more to do with respect than Challenge.
Now if you can set your ego aside and allow me to educate you further about the importance of my wait a week to call strategy, youll soon be on your way to even more success with women.
First of all, let me ask you, how exactly do you know for certain that these women who rejected you did so because you didnt call soon enough or often enough? Remember, when you ask a woman why she rejected a particular guy, 99 times out of 100, the first answer you get will not be the real reason.
I can hear you interviewing them now. Hi Caprice, I was calling you to find out the reasons or reasons that you dropped me? Sure, says Caprice. When you got my number you waited a week to call and then you didnt call me everyday to reassure me that you liked me, thats the reason.
The real answer is always the second (or third) answer that you pry out of a woman. The first answer is always the politically correct answer. And if the guy she rejected and the guy who is interviewing her are one in the same, its 100% guaranteed that she wont give a straight answer. I cross-examine women when I survey, just like the cops on Law and Order. I doubt that you did this.
And how many women did you interview, four? Ive interviewed thousands and I have never heard a woman say, I dropped him because he didnt give me enough phone calls. To you Psych majors, do you really want someone as a life-long partner who needs reassurance through Ma Bell every hour?
In actuality Cary, you should be happy that women with low self-esteem are dropping you. Having to constantly reassure your partner is like riding on a stationery bicycle with a metal seat, its a pain in the butt and it never really gets you anywhere.
Cary, theres something you must understand. A girl could give both you and another guy her number on the same day. And that other guy might call her the next day and take her out on a date while youre still waiting to first call her. But if she has higher interest in you, shell be thinking about you while shes out with him.
And when you finally call her after that other guy has already called her for a second date, you are raising her Interest Level even higher. (She cant figure out why you arent being predictable like all the other guys shes gotten rid of and she becomes more intrigued.)
So Cary, you dont have to worry about some other dude beating you out while youre biding your time using Challenge to your advantage. Women do the choosing, and if she chooses you, there aint nothin' your competition can do about it. And when you wait to call, any chance your competition might have had is seriously compromised.
Dont be concerned about making her feel special, make yourself special to her by being a Challenge.
Remember guys, patience is the key to women.
I saw this ridiculously pretty girl, Sandy (not her real name), at my yoga class a few weeks ago. She kept smiling at me, so I followed your advice, Doc, and immediately after class, right in front of a bunch of other women (I couldnt talk to her in private), I asked her for her phone number.
When I asked her, this sort of should I or shouldnt I look came over her face for a few seconds. Thats when I felt like Oh man, I shouldnt have been so direct so soon. Now Im really going to look like a fool. But then, almost like a miracle, she reached in her purse and took out a pen and paper and wrote down her number and handed it to me and then gave me another great smile.
I was totally stoked when she handed me that piece of paper. I also have to say that I really felt good about myself for taking the risk. I asked for the home phone number, Doc, and I did it with an audience of people watching. I walked out of that yoga class feeling like a hero.
So, Sandy and I have gone out twice since then, and both dates went really well. We seem to have good chemistry together. We were scheduled to go out a third time last Tuesday night, but on Tuesday afternoon she called me at work to say that she reluctantly had to cancel our date.
She said that her dog, Roscoe, had been injured by a car that morning and that she needed to stay with him at the veterinary hospital. But she apologized profusely for having to cancel and wanted to re-schedule, right then and there, for the following Tuesday. I hesitated for a moment because I know you say that ANY broken date is bad news, but she was so insistent and so enthusiastic that I felt like Id be kind of a jerk if I didnt accept.
Still, Im not sure if I did the right thing. Did I blow it Doc? How should I handle this now? (Please respond as soon as you can, Tuesday will be here in a few days.)
Tanner- who wants to know if he did the right thing
First of all, let me commend you for summoning the courage to close Sandy while an audience of other females looked on. I know from my early days as a junior Love Doctor how intimidating that can be. Most guys chicken out when they have an audience watching when its time to ask for the number, even though theyre dying to ask for it.
But, Tanner, once you commit to taking action you have to stay committed and maintain a positive attitude. One moment of hesitation from this girl and you were ready to sell out The System. So what if she had said no. You did the right thing. You noticed she was flirting with you. Then you made your move because you were interested in her and you needed her number to be able to ask her out. You did exactly what youre supposed to do. You should never feel insecure or be apologetic about asking a girl for her home phone number. Even if she tries to shame you after you ask (which they sometimes do)
All right, now lets examine this broken date situation as a detective from Love and Order would. The Reality Factor says, we dont know if Sandys excuse is completely legitimate or if its total fiction. Usually, even the most compelling story a girl gives you for breaking a date turns out to be just that, a story. And she winds up canceling any subsequent date that you arrange with her as well. Once I had a girl call me as I was walking out the door to pick her up and tell me that she had to cancel our date because her pregnant sister was just going into labor and she had to meet her at the hospital. It turned out she didnt have a sister.
The main issue here, Tanner, is respect. When you accept a counter offer for another date from a girl who is calling to break a date with you, youre, in effect, telling her that she has your permission to jerk you around. What you should have said was Sandy, we dont know how quickly little Roscoe is going to recover, and he is going to need your full attention and care for awhile. So lets wait and see how he does before we re-schedule. To say something like that would be taking charge of the situation and taking your power back. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, When that Lil Mustang gets ornery on you, you gotta pull back on the reigns.
At this point, the strongest thing you can do is call Sandy back on Monday and break the Tuesday date with her. Make up some convincing whopper of your own. Dont suggest any day as an alternative. Instead, just say, So hey, Im in a rush right now, but lets talk later on. Do not tell her that YOU will call HER. Keep it ambiguous.
Then, you have to out-wait her. If she never calls back, then youll know that her Interest Level in you was never high to begin with, and you will have saved yourself from more disappointment and another wasted $100 on dinner for two.
In order for the two of you to go out again, SHE must call YOU. She must apologize again. And, SHE must ask YOU out. If she does all those things, then you can put her on probation and give her another chance. But one more red flag from this babe and its Adios Amiga!
Remember, guys, to ask yourselves, How many dates
have I broken in my entire life?
I have this friend, Ill call her Karen. She not a total knockout, but shes definitely pretty. Shes also a great dresser and she has a very classy air about her. Even though Im not dating anyone right now, Imnot romantically interested in her any way. Shes just not my type physically. But we really do get along well. Shes like my one good female friend right now. We both love to play pool and we go out to this trendy pool hall in Hollywood together usually, on Tuesday nights. Theres really quite a scene going on there, even on Tuesday nights, and the place is just teaming with babes every time we go.
Theres a situation that keeps coming up when were out together that Im not sure how to handle. It happened again just last night when we were at the pool hall. Karen had gone to the bar to get us a couple o beers. During the five minutes that she was gone, this exotic looking girl who had been playing pool with her girlfriend at the table next to us, walked right over to me and asked me for advice on how to properly hold the cue stick. She said her name was Randa.
Now I know from reading your articles that that was a sign of her having some Interest Level in me. She didnt have to come over and ask for my advice. It was pretty obvious that it was an excuse that she had created to make contact with me. We joked around for a couple minutes, and I made her laugh. But she had already seen me with Karen. (Karen touches me a lot so in this girls mind, Karen and I were probably boyfriend and girlfriend, or at least out on a date.)
Then Karen came back with the beers. I wanted to ask Randa for her home phone number but I didnt because, first of all, I didnt feel comfortable doing that right in front of Karen. Even though were just friends, I felt like it wouldnt be a classy thing to do. And secondly, I was afraid that I would look like a sneaky cheat or a jerk in Randas eyes if I asked her for her phone number while I was with a girl who she most likely thought was my date.
Still, Im not sure whether Randa would have cared about that or not. She did come on to me even though she had already seen me with Karen. Or maybe she came on to me BECAUSE she saw me with Karen. Anyway you see my problem here? And this situation has come up more than once.
So, Doc, what does your System say about dealing with this kind of situation?
Frankie who wants to do the right thing
Is this the way you live your whole life, always sacrificing your needs for the approval of others? Do you usually play it so safe? While youre busy doing only what you think you should do and not doing what you think you shouldnt, your love life is going nowhere fast. There you are, out with your female FRIEND who you have no romantic interest in, and youre afraid of offending her by making a play for another woman? Look, dude, if shes your friend, then shes your friend. That means she has the same status as a GUY who is your friend. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, Friends support and encourage each other when it comes to makin out.
If you had asked Randa for her phone number right then and there, and Karen wound up being bothered by that, it would have meant one of two things. Either shes not really your friend, or she likes you romantically and youre oblivious to it. But, Id bet that if you had made your move with Randa, that Karen would have been just as pleased as punch for you. You were afraid to risk Karens disapproval when there was no risk. (And the Feministas say that all men are a bunch of inconsiderate louts!)
As far as Randa goes, she knew nothing about the nature of your relationship with Karen. No one said anything to her about Karen being your girlfriend. For all she knew, Karen could have been your big sister. Anyway, Randa was obviously giving you plenty of buying-signals. She didnt seem to be so concerned about what Karen might think, so why should you have? Im sure Randa wondered why the hell you didnt ask her for her number. Maybe hes gay, she probably said to her girlfriend as they drove home together.
Frankie, youre lucky to have a hot looking woman like Karen who likes to pal around with you. Id suggest that you take her out with you every chance you get and use her to help you meet women. You can help her meet guys, too. Its called The Buddy System.
Karen obviously has a lot of strike power and that only makes you look more alluring to the other kitty cats when they see you with her, as youve already experienced. You can tell women you meet that shes your sister as you flash them a cat who ate the canary grin. As my cousin,
Sal, The Fish, Love would say, Always keep em guessin.
Remember, guys, if you have a beautiful female buddy, be
sure to take her with you when you go out hunting.
I just wanted to say thank you for what The System has done for me. I've only had the program for a couple of months and I'm still learning, but I'm already noticing some definite changes, not only in the way women are reacting to me, but more importantly in the way I'm acting towards women.
I say this as a recovering "nice guy," at least with the girls I really liked. After learning about your principles, I discovered that I behaved differently with girls that I didn't feel as strongly for and that thats why they were so much more into me. Common sense, yes, but it's amazing what you can overlook in your own behavior.
Anyway, I have a quick question. I'm a college student; and while your dating strategies are readily applicable to girls I meet in most circumstances, I can't quite get my head around how to apply it to girls I meet in class. How do I go about approaching a girl in that situation?
The standard rules of meeting, talking, getting the digits, and leaving first don't really apply, nor does waiting a week to call. If I get her number in class, even if it's the last day of class that week, I will probably see her again a couple of days later. And I don't think it would be effective to avoid/ignore her in class, then call her up and act like I hadn't seen her. Could you please throw me a bone Doc?
Rocky who needs specialized coaching for guys in college
As you know, I always instruct you guys to ask for the home phone number of any girl youve just met and are interested in. No hesitation. No apologies. This is done as a test of the womans Interest Level in you. Its done to demonstrate to her that you are a confident guy who means business. Its done to impress her with your directness. And its also done because, in most cases, you will never see her again if you dont get her number before you part company with her.
But, the classroom environment does present a specialized situation where we can creatively modify the closing process. A particular woman whom you meet in your history class, for instance, might possibly drop the class or drop out of school entirely before you get her number if you fail to act quickly. But odds are that that wont happen.
Lets assume, for educational purposes, that 99% of the attendees of a particular class will make it through the entire semester. That means that for all intents and purposes, you have what a Marine Drill Instructor has in his group of recruits: a captive audience. And when you have a captive audience, you should use the situation to your advantage, or as they say on the hip-hop dance floor, You got to work it, Baby!
So, Rocky, lets say that there are a couple of different babes in your philosophy class that you have the hots for. Dont hit on them. Dont come on to them. Dont even talk to them. Instead, do all you can to be highly visible in the class. Ask really intelligent and interesting questions and, if you have a knack for it, make clever, humorous comments that make the whole class crack up. Soon, every girl in the class will be impressed by you and also curious about you. To you Psych majors, you gotta stand out.
As the power of your persona gains momentum and magnetism, everyone will want to know you better. Then, using your popularity, take every opportunity you have, before and after class, to make sure that the two girls that you like see how much the other girls in the class love to talk and laugh with you. All the while, continue to ignore the two that youre hot for. This will really make you Mr. Interesting in their eyes.
If you follow this plan of action to the best of your abilities, one or both of the girls that youre interested in should approach you and initiate interaction with you within a few weeks or less.
Once one of them demonstrates some authentic interest in you and gives you some obvious Buying Signals, then close her for her home phone number. Also make sure to end the conversation first and move on. Either go and talk with some other girl or take a seat or leave the room if class is over. Yes, Rocky, you still leave first, whatever form of leaving you can create in that environment.
You will then, as always, wait a week, Rocky, before you call your love interest and ask her out. As my cousin Sal The Fish Love would say, All the idiots call within 48 hours.
Now heres a powerful concept to shatter all your fear and confusion about seeing her again before you call her. It is simply this: when you run into her again, before youve called her, dont put ANY pressure on yourself to excuse your lack of communication. Relax. Chill out. Be cool. Dont get all antsy and embarrassed. Realize that any discomfort you feel is self-inflicted. Its totally ok if she sees you again before you call her. Let her see you four or five times before you call. No big deal.
Dont be afraid that shes going to think that youve rejected her. Why not? Because if she does think that, then its only going to raise her Interest Level and make her extra co-operative when you do call her and ask her out. And once again, when you finally do call, make no excuses or explanations. Just make a date and then get off the phone. Badda bing badda boom.
And heres another thought to help you appreciate why waiting a week to call is the right thing to do, even though you may run into her more than once in the interim. You can be certain that no other fellow has ever played it so cool with her and this will work to your advantage. Shell be thinking, Gee, every other guy from my classes that Ive given my number to has called me the next day. Whats this Rocky guys story? Hmm, Im intrigued. I think Ill have to raise my Interest Level in him.
As for the other gal that youre working on, if the weeks keep going by and she just doesnt make a move to connect with you, then go on ahead and take the initiative. The idea, Rocky, is that in this specialized situation, you bide your time and give her an abundance of opportunities to close you, but you most ultimately do the closing if she doesnt.
Remember, guys: always ask for the home phone number and
always wait a week to call.
Dear Doc Love,
I don't know whom else to ask, but I'd rather ask for a man's advice than a woman's. If I asked a woman I'd only be setting myself up for the "you made yourself look cheap, conniving, and deceitful. So here it goes.
I just graduated from college and finished my finals. There was this guy in my class who I believed was very handsome in every way. He was confident, attractive and funny. I had never spoken to him before, but I realized it when I saw him speak in class. He sat all the way in the back, and I like to sit in the front. So, knowing that we would have never gotten a chance to speak, I went up to him during the 9th week of class (we have class once a week) and asked him out.
I had never done that before, but I thought it would be an admirable gesture. I know that guys almost never get asked out directly, especially if a gorgeous woman initiates it. (I model bathing suits part-time not to brag.) I had been drooling over him for over 6 weeks.
When I asked him out he responded with a happy, "Yeah, sure!" And then the nail biter, "Oh you know I have a girlfriend, but we can still hang out! Do you care that I have one?" I said no because I don't care. I just wanted to get to know him over a beer, not kidnap him.
We tried to get to know each other with the ten minutes we had. Everything was left open-ended. I thought he'd call but he didn't. It's been two months. Why, dear god, why? I can't stop obsessing over him. I know I'm very pretty and intelligent. I have a great body and beautiful face, and I came across as very sweet. He seemed enthused. What the hell happened? I wouldn't care if he called me next month or the month after that. That's fine with me. It was left so open-ended. I left him a message on his voicemail four days after we talked, and he didn't return my call. What do you think? Did I blow it by coming on too strong?
Jennifer who wants to know what is going on
Wow. Your Interest level in this guy is so high that youll still be delighted to go out with him if he calls two months from now. So much for the protests I get from women who say that if a guy waits more than a few days to call, then a woman loses interest in him.
Guys, I want you to read Jennifers letter more than once. This is a stunning example of what lengths a beautiful woman, any woman, will go to and how flexible she can be when her Interest Level is off the chart. She hadnt even ever talked to the guy, and she broke a lifelong pattern of passivity. Beautiful women can afford to be as passive as they want. She walked right up to her dreamboat and closed him on the spot. Its that kind of fearless, balls to the wall attitude that a lot of YOU GUYS still need to adopt.
Jennifer, when you were direct, moving like a heat-seeking missile honing in on its target, you did great. Any one of your sisters who would have called your behavior cheap and conniving is way, way out of touch. You knew what you wanted, and you went for it. Good on ya as they say in Australia. Its certainly possible for a woman to take the initiative to ask a guy out and still maintain her feminine grace. YOU did it.
But Jennifer, he told you that he already had a girlfriend. You liked him so much you were willing to lie and tell him that you didnt care that he had a girlfriend. But you did care. He was being nice and going with the flow, but the Bottom Line Factor says: He didnt call. Hes not available for relationship, of any kind. Youve got to stop with the obsessing and let it go. Thats what smart guys learn to do. They learn that they will be rejected more often than theyll be accepted, so they learn not to focus all their hopes on one potential partner.
You, Jennifer, just cant believe that any man would turn you down because no man ever has, up until now. But you gotta wake up sister. He did turn you down. Accept it and move on. If you keep obsessing about this guy, youll be in a chronic state of distraction and likely to overlook your soul mate when he crosses your path.
I do want to encourage you to not be discouraged from ever taking the initiative again. Dont wind up like one of those girls who get rejected once and then say, Oh, I asked a guy out once but Ill never do that again. Men dont like it when women take the initiative.
Your classmate didnt turn you down because men dont like it when women are direct. The reason he didnt call you wasnt because you came on too strong. He didnt call you because his interests lie elsewhere, period.
Remember, guys, even beautiful women sometimes get
I've been a friend of a girl for about two years now. I never felt any attraction to her until this past summer. We started spending a lot of time together, going out and having fun. Now shes at college, living in a dorm, and I never get to see her anymore.
She doesn't know how I feel about her. I want to tell her, but I don't want to lose the friendship we have. Wouldnt she think it was strange for me to suddenly come out and confess how much I like her after being friends for so long? What do you think? Should I go for it?
So, love snuck up behind you and bit you on the fanny, huh? The bad news - as I have mentioned in other articles is that most women dont allow you to switch tracks from friendship to boyfriend. The good news is: if by some long shot, your sweetheart is the exception to the rule, I can arm you with the one thing that would make a romance happen: Challenge - also known as Superwomans Kryptonite.
Judging by the lack of Buying Signals (flirting) mentioned in your letter, I would assume that the object of your affection is comfortable with the relationship as it is and doesnt think of you as anything more than a friend - the most dreaded word a man can hear from a woman. But in the small chance that she harbors some romantic feelings for you and is playing it cool, Challenge will turn up the heat and make her Interest Level climb through the roof!
Challenge can even help you out when your female friend has only 49% Interest Level in you. How? It forces you to keep your trap shut around her and thus preserves your friendship. Blabbing your amorous feelings to a girl who doesnt feel the same way about you can make her feel uncomfortable - which can cause a friendship to die a slow death.
Heres our game plan, Bart. First: withdraw slowly from your friend and become less available to her. Dont call her at school; let her call you and wait a day to call her back if she leaves a message. Dont initiate any e-mails; instead give her only brief answers to her e-mails.
Once she returns from school and starts asking you out for the usual social events, only attend the outings where other single women will be present. Why? Because you will talk with these ladies and get their home phone numbers.
Now, you may be asking me: wouldnt I be disrespectful if I did this? My answer: Certainly not. It shouldnt bother her if you two are at a club and you step away from her side once every hour for only five minutes. Besides - you two are just friends, right? The great thing is if your conversations with other women do bother your friend, then it means that her Interest Level in you is over 50% which means you have a chance with her.
By using this simple act of Challenge, you rub any hidden Interest Level she has for you in her face. After about a month of this, a look of frustration should eventually come over her and she will say Im tired of you chasing other women in front of me! To which, you will reply, Are you suggesting that we take the chance of ruining a beautiful friendship by you asking me out on a date? She will then answer sheepishly, Well, sort of. This is when you know shes seeing you in a whole new light and that its now time to go out on your first date! Isnt Challenge great?
Remember guys, if you want to turn Miss Friend into Miss
Right, you have to let her think its her idea; you
must let her think shes in control (Only you and I
know better!). Be a Challenge around her and she will feel
inspired to make positive changes to your relationship. But
if she decides to keep the friendship, then get mileage out
of the arrangement - go to clubs with her and show her off
to other women. As my cousin Sal The Fish Love
would say: Whatever it takes!
Cant we just be friends?
I dont kiss on the first date.
I need someone who is more exciting.
Did I tell you about my present lover?
I think youre a nice person, but
If you have heard any of these lines, youre in luck because I have the medicine to cure your case of Confusion-itis. You are privileged to be reading the only romantic love column in America that comes from a male perspective.
In last weeks article, we covered two major concepts: The Reality Factor (Things are the way they are. If you go against reality, reality works against you, resulting in pain.) and The Bottom Line Factor (Only a womans actions truly reflect her feelings toward you.). These two facts of life form the foundation of my unique approach to relationships, which I call The System. This week, I will give you the framework of The System by naming the three factors that determine success or failure in romantic relationships. These factors are: female Interest Level, female attitude, and male attitude.
Interest Level is one of the most overlooked factors in successful relationships. Women call their Interest Level romantic feelings, or love. Interest Level is a degree of love. What is a degree of love? Let me give an example. Tom is at a party and he asks two women, Jill and Caprice, for their home phone numbers. Jill responds, Ill give you my work number instead - I just dont know you very well. Caprice, on the other hand, tears a bank deposit slip from her checkbook, circles the home phone number, and hands it to Tom with a smile saying Now, youd better call me!
Interest Level is a scale that ranges from 0 to 100 percent. In our example, I would place Jills Interest Level in Tom at 20% and Caprices at 80%. Now, think about this: If Jill and Caprice were thoroughbreds running in the seventh at the Del Mar racetrack, and Tom were a betting man, whom should he put his money on?
Why is female Interest Level so important? Because the closer the womans Interest Level gets to 100%, the more she likes you, and the more fun you will have - whether its on the first date or on your 20th anniversary. In sharp contrast, the further away her Interest Level is from 100%, the less she likes you, and the more she will eat, nag, and watch Ricki Lake. To you Psych majors: a man should only love a woman who loves him first and a lot.
Of the three factors that make or break romantic relationships, the woman's Interest Level - not the mans Interest level - is the single most important factor.
In addition to overlooking the womans Interest Level, males typically overlook the importance of female attitude - a womans morals and her temperament. Even though your Miss Right is beautiful, inside and out, dont you still have to ask yourself, "Is she going to be part of the crew or part of the cargo?" To you Psych majors, Is she high maintenance or low maintenance? If you are going to serve time with Miss Right, isnt it best for your comfort level and sanity to find a wife who rubs your back and complements you once in a while just for taking out the trash? Of course it is.
So, what comprises a good female attitude? Integrity, giving, and flexibility.
A womans integrity is made up of honesty, loyalty, and trust in other words: Would I go into business with this person?" is the question you should ask yourself before you give up your freedom.
To find out whether Miss Right is a giver or a taker, ask yourself, Is she on my side? Is she sweet, serene, and supportive at least some of the time? One sign of a giving wife is that she says, I like to do things to make my husband happy when she talks with her girlfriends.
As for the definition of flexibility - let me tell you what it isn't: hardheaded, structured, stubborn, intransigent, nor is it personified by nagging the most cruel and usual punishment in America today. Flexibility is being willing to try something new even if it is going fishing with you once, and baiting the hook with a creepy crawler.
If a woman is normal, you make her like you more or less by the way you treat her, but you cannot affect her attitude she comes to you wired that way. So, it is your job to do the things that raise her Interest Level toward 100%. How? By exhibiting the proper male attitude, made up of: confidence, control and Challenge.
Most men know what confidence is, and even know that women love confident men. The other relationship experts, who come from a female perspective, dont tell men specifically what to do to get this confidence. But if you read my column every week, you will learn how to automatically appear confident, even when youre a nervous wreck inside!
Control in my system stands for self-control (not controlling the woman). It means controlling your choices and actions in spite of what your emotions urge you to do. For example, if youre at a dance club, and a gentleman hustles your girlfriend, you know to take it as a compliment to your taste instead of putting a chair over his head. By practicing self-control and not making a fool of yourself, you raise her Interest Level to even loftier heights.
Challenge is nothing more than playing hard to get. You
do this because the woman is happiest when she does the
chasing, and when she thinks it is her idea to pursue a
romantic relationship rather than yours. If you do
what I say, youll have to beat em off with a
Theres is a girl on my college campus I'm really interested in. Shes a knockout. We've been talking on the phone together and have gone out dancing for a month or so, and she seems to like it when I flirt with her. The other day, we were making jokes about some old guy trying to get her number, and she mentioned that she wasn't interested in ANY guy! This confuses me. Was that her way of saying that I didn't have a chance, or was she just making conversation? Ive stopped pursuing her, and I don't call her as much.
I'm still confused. Any answers?
Spencer - who wants to know if he played it right
All your confusion about where you stand with this girl is based on your failure to close her properly. From what youve told me its pretty obvious that you havent even tried to kiss her. Its been over a month. What have you been waiting for, a lightning bolt from God?
Flirting isnt closing. You can flirt with a girl from here to kingdom come, and it wont tell you a damn thing about her Interest Level. Girls who have no romantic interest in you whatsoever will flirt with you in a manner, which is virtually indistinguishable from the way, that a girl who is gaga over you would.
Its impossible to tell the difference between a stroker and a sweetheart until the pedal hits the metal. By making a move for a lip-to-lip kiss, (a peck on the cheek doesnt qualify) you can call a strokers bluff. (Its also how you can give the sweetheart what shesbeen hoping and waiting for.)
Have you ever had the experience, Spencer, of having a blast doing some serious R-rated dirty dancing with a chick at a night club and then winding up with nothing more to show for all your bumping and grinding than a parting, Thanks, that was fun, from her? Flirting can be more thrilling than a full body search at the airport but the only way you can interpret the meaning and motivations behind it is when you CLOSE.Flirting can mean everything or it can mean absolutely nothing.
You have to ask yourself, Spencer, Why havent I made a move? Am I terrified that shell reject me if I do? Am I trying to prove to her that Im not like all those other guys? Am I too nice for my own good? Sure, it would be great if us guys didnt have to always be the ones who have to put our ego on the line and make the first move. Women have the luxury of never having to ever risk rejection if they dont want to, and they can still have all the affection and intimacy they could ever want or need. But like it or not, were stuck with the sticky and tricky job of taking all the risk.
In rare instances, the woman will make the first move, but her Interest Level has to be in the 90s range and thats not where it usually starts out. Even when it is higher than Oprahs monthly pastry bill, the woman still might hold out for quite awhile, waiting for the man to make the first move.
Actually, you can lower a womans Interest Level in you by letting too much time go by without taking the initiative to get more intimate. It demonstrates a lack of confidence, and it can be a turnoff to a woman. You werent able to tell me where this gals Interest Level in you started, Spencer, but its possible that that is what has happened.
When she said, Im not interested in any guy, it wasnt exactly something that a woman with high Interest Level would say. If she really liked you I dont think that she would say something like that because shed be concerned that it would discourage you and turn you off (which it did). On the other hand, I think her Interest Level started out high and then sank as she noticed that you lacked courage and that you were too available to chit-chat on the phone (which is anti-Challenge).
Still, Spencer, we dont know for sure whether her Interest Level in you is high or low. But theres a simple, easy and effective way to get a read on it. Call her up, take her out somewhere fun and at the end of the evening, do your best to lay a lovely smooch on her. If she turns her head and gives you her cheek to kiss instead of her lips, then you know youre dead meat. If she sucks your tongue out of your head, then youll know youve got a live one.
Remember, guys, never end a first date without going for
I was hoping that you could translate some Womanese (as you call it) into English for me. I have been out on several dates in the last few months and these women seem to corner me with the things that they say. Sometimes Im just not sure how to respond to them. A lot of the time I hear their words, but I dont even understand what they mean.
Here are a couple of examples:
1) After she cancels a date with me two hours before Im supposed to pick her up, she says: "Whats wrong with you today? You seem to be in a bad mood. Are you feeling O.K.?"
2) After Ive gone out with her on about four dates she says: "So where are we going with this? Am I wasting my time"
What do you think Doc?
Wyatt - who doesnt want to keep getting boxed in
Whats up Wyatt?
So, the girls have been messin with your mind. Youre not the first guy to get stymied when a beauty has thrown him a curve ball. These gals never cease to amaze me. Theyre always coming up with an interesting new twist on their basic "confound and confuse em" strategy.
The basic principles to use whenever youre confronted with Womanese is to go with the flow, work. Challenge and turn the tables on her. Why should YOU be the one whos on the defensive? Let HER be the one whos confused and confounded. As Don King the boxing promoter would say, "youve got to RE-confuse, Di-fuse, DE-flect and MIS-direct." (And throw in a zinger if you can.)
Now lets go over your examples Wyatt:
1) If she said:"Whats wrong with you today? You seem to be in a bad mood. etc. etc. right after she cancelled your date with her, then you must have acted uptight and annoyed when she dropped the bomb on you.
Of course its completely justified to be ticked off when a girl cancels a date, especially if she does it at the last minute (which they always do). But in that type of situation you want to be coming off as a guy who is way too cool and confident to be flustered when she reveals her low level of interest in you by behaving rudely. As my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say: Never let them know that they got to you.
The next time a chick ambushes you with a last minute cancellation (assuming that shes doing it with you directly rather than leaving a message on your answering servicewhich is even more rude) heres what you should do: First of all, as I mentioned, try not to let on that you are disappointed in any way.
But if she still picks up on the fact that you are bummed that shes just canceled, and lays something on you like:Whats wrong? Are you in a bad mood? Then fire right back at her with, for example: I was, until a minute ago. Or, say: No actually I feel relieved. As you chuckle slightly. Let her wonder what you really meant by that. Remember that this girl already knew that she was going to break the date with you while she was making it!
Now to your second example, Wyatt. Although a girl whos only gotten four dates in with you is technically too new to rate, when she said: So where are we going with this? (A slight variation on the basic So, where is this relationship going?) That was a sign of her romantic Interest Level in you being over 90%. This is a good thing (as long as YOUR Interest Level in her is at least somewhere in the 70s). Girls with less than 90% Interest Level dont ask these kind of questions.
Still, when she says something like that, she IS putting you on the spot and creating pressure. So, once again, go with the flow. Challenge and turn the tables on her. When she says; I want to know if Im wasting my time here. Are you dating anyone else? You can say: Baby, if youre with me theres no way you could be wasting your time. Then when she says: Listen, I want to know how you feel. Say: Darling, youve already hugged me, you know how I feel.
Remember, guys, the key to women is keepem guessin.
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
I took this girl out for just a little get-together today (Sunday) for lunch. It was our first "date", although not really a date. She seemed really shy, so I controlled most of the conversation by asking a lot of questions, keeping it lighthearted and funny like you teach in your System. I found out a lot about her, and I didn't reveal much about me. But she didn't ask me much about me at all. She seemed a little uncomfortable the whole time, although she seemed more at ease every time I'd ask a question, which was often.
By the way, this girl is 16 and I'm 17. My question is: her being a little shy around me isn't a bad thing, is it? Because its just the first time I've been out with her. I figure she'll eventually (soon hopefully) be real comfortable around me.
Second question: Should I keep the dates short and simple with her till later on when I know she really likes me? If these are stupid questions that don't even matter just tell me. Thanks!
Stefan who wants to know if his thinking is correct
More power to you, my little brother. How fortunate you are to have discovered The System while youre still in high school. And the fact that youre already beginning to use it in some small way is absolutely fantastic!
Those are not stupid questions at all. In fact they are great questions and they apply to real life situations with women of any age. If you keep on studying and asking good questions like this, youll never find yourself in divorce court in the future.
So lets analyze your situation. First of all, you say that your first date with this girl was not a real date. Stefan, whenever you take a girl out for an activity that could be considered a date, then its a date.
The only reason any guy tries to downplay the idea that he and his love interest are on what everyone would call a date is that hes insecure about her Interest Level. Hes afraid that if he says, in effect: Im a male, youre a female and I want to take YOU out -- on a DATE, that hes going to spook her. Hes afraid that if he makes it clear that theyre going to be on a date (rather than being like two friends just kind of hanging out) that shell know that hes romantically interested in her and so shell turn him down.
But that kind of logic is counter-productive because in reality, you dont want to be out on a non-date date with a girl who would turn you down for a real date. You dont want things to be ambiguous. You want her to know that if youre going to be spending your valuable time with her, that she should at least consider you as a potential relationship partner, and that if she doesnt, then she shouldnt go out with you. If she thinks its just a palsy-walsy buddy kind of a deal, then youre already starting off on the wrong foot, setting a bad precedent and making things unclear.
So the next time you ask her out, Stefan, you can even say, for our next date, Suzy, I want to take you bike riding Thursday afternoon, and see if she says something like: Date? What do you mean by -- a date? If she comes up with words similar to those, then it aint likely that things will improve on a second outing with her.
Besides, the real date vs. unreal date/ situation, I do not like the fact that this girl wasnt asking you anything about you and your life. A girl, who has a high level of interest, exhibits curiosity towards the guy shes out with. She wants to know all about him and what makes him tick. Even when shes first getting to know him, she asks him personal questions. Even if shes the quiet type, she still demonstrates a genuine curiosity towards him.
You can call her shy if you want to, Stefan, but from what youve reported, my gut tells me that what we have here is a girl with a case of low interest-itis. This girl did nothing to make you feel valued by her, and she did nothing to make you feel comfortable. She didnt contribute. You were doing all the work.
As far as Im concerned, this girl is on probation. So wait two weeks to call her. If she really likes you, shell ask why you waited so long to ask her out again.
Remember, guys, a woman has to like you from the get-go.
In reference to your advice received through the askmen.com web site: I, too, was a victim of marital fraud. The signs and behavior were there, but I was also of the mindset that "it will never happen to me." In my case however, her 'lover' was not another man, but money!
Fifteen months after buying a house (of which I was the sole mortgage holder), six years of marriage, and two toddlers, I arrived home from work one day, only to be arrested on phony domestic abuse charges. (In my state, this is the only way she could have me removed from the home).
This was done with the full support (both emotional and financial.) of a meddling mother-in-law. And with the prospect of a fairly large divorce settlement dancing in her head, she was even quoted by mutual friends as being "better off financially without me than with me!
Through a seven-month brutal divorce trial, my lawyer and I decided to pursue a Marital Fraud defense. Without getting too detailed, let me just say, we nailed her in court! (I think she thought I was going to roll over on this whole thing.) She could prove no alcohol or domestic abuse had occurred, which was her main contention for filing. As a result of these rulings, she was forced to share custody of the kids and her share of the divorce settlement was reduced twice!
I believe the Court determined that even though it is relatively easy to get a divorce, you cannot end a marriage just because one party 'feels like it, especially when children are involved.
For any and all men who are being victimized by this kind of fraud, seek justice, it can be had! Thanks to you Doc for your advice and wisdom. I have always had your wisdom in my head, but could not quite put my finger on it - until I read it!
Vernon - who wasnt afraid to fight
Well, I see that YOULL be never be a guest on Oprah! The concept that men are victimized by women does not play well to female- dominated audiences. So much for truth and justice on daytime talk shows. Its tough to find any men (or women) on TV and radio talk shows, standing up for men. Where are the male love doctors? Where are the coaches helping the good guys?
I could continue for pages with my righteous rant, but instead, Vernon, allow me to extend my congratulations to you for emerging from this nightmare relatively unscathed. Most guys, who have found themselves in situations similar to yours, have wound up getting totally shafted.
In our politically correct American culture, the courts, as we all know, tend to side with the female over the male. As a public service announcement, they should post their policy at the entrance to the courtroom: Men: guilty until proven innocent. Starting out with this kind of disadvantage, you need a lawyer who can kick ass, and it sounds as if you chose the right one Vernon.
As youve probably figured out by now, this big ugly mess that you got yourself into, Vernon could have been avoided if you had married a good woman. Your gal had more hidden up her sleeve than Winona Ryder at Sak's.
Just like a lot of guys, you werent as conscientious and thorough, as you should have been in evaluating the character of your bride to be. It saddens my heart to see that the most powerful nation on earth cannot cut its fifty-percent divorce rate. It is time for men to take control of their relationships. It is time for men to get mad. Not at women, but at their own lack of good judgment.
So, Vernon, youve learned a painful lesson. But your painful experience will motivate you to be more discriminating in your future relationship choices. There are women out there who have integrity. There are women out there who are loving and giving. There are women out there who know how to build a man up instead of tear him down. Keep studying The System so you can, as the Bible says, separate the wheat from the chaff.
Remember, guys, if you find yourself in a similar situation, dont be intimidated, fight back!
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
I am a happily married woman of 35 with two children. My husband and I agree on most things, except when it comes to vacations. We both get about ten days of vacation time every six months. We usually leave the kids with his mother and go to Hawaii or the Caribbean. This spring, I want to go on vacation by myself. He thinks that it is improper for me to go alone without him. He says that he is not jealous and possessive, but I think differently. Whats the big deal?
Cynthia who wants to be alone for a while
Let me start with some basics about the issue of jealousy and its twin sister, possessiveness.
The top three mistakes that men make with women are: 1) Coming on too heavy too soon. 2) Never standing up and saying no when appropriate. 3) Being jealous and possessive.
Both men and women can be jealous and possessive, but men seem to be the worst offenders in this area. Countless guys have ruined an otherwise great relationship with their partners by being jealous. Jealous behavior lowers the womans respect for the man and also lowers her romantic Interest Level in him. Why? Because she experiences him as being out of control, insecure and fearful. (All jealousy is based in fear, fear of loss.)
A strong and confident man knows and trusts that his woman is loyal and that she has high interest in him. He does not stay in a relationship with a woman who isnt loyal and doesnt have high interest in him. He has no fear that he will lose his woman to another man. He doesnt feel as if he has to check up on her or that he cant leave her alone for five minutes. He is protective towards his woman without being possessive. He knows that one human being can never own another human being and that slavery is illegal.
Having said that, I do NOT think that your husband is being jealous and possessive. What you are calling jealousy and possessiveness is actually his busting you on your low romantic Interest Level in him he just doesnt know it. You claim that you are happily married. Well how happy are you, really? If you were in love with your husband, if he were your best friend and life partner, the man of your dreams, why wouldnt you want to be with him during your precious vacation time?
Obviously, your Interest Level in him is much lower than his is in you. He wants to hike and swim and play tennis and walk on the beach at sunset with his wife. You want to go it alone. Whats wrong with this picture? If your Interest Level in him is so low that youd rather vacation by yourself than with him, perhaps you shouldnt be married tohim.
Now if the nationally syndicated, female love advice columnists were to answer your letter, theyd most certainly take your side in this situation. Why? Because they come from a female perspective. Their default setting is that the man is guilty until proven innocent. I, in contrast, blast either side depending on the truth of the situation.
If, lets call her, Dear Gabby, the advice columnist, were responding to your letter, shed say that your husband is selfish, unloving and unsympathetic to your needs as a woman. Shed say that he should understand that you need a well deserved break from the pressures of marriage and kids and that you should certainly be able to take time and space alone to renew yourself.
Of course if the situation were reversed, and your husband were writing in saying that he wanted to go on vacation and leave you behind, shed be calling him an unloving, selfish, insensitive jerk who needs to see a marriage counselor.
Female love doctors have no concept of interest level. Would a woman with 95% Interest Level want to go alone on a trip without her husband? Of course not, but a woman with 55% Interest Level would.
Remember, guys, just because shes married to you,
doesnt mean she loves you.
I'm 24. I met a young lady running (she's 21). We somehow finished our run at the same time, and a conversation sprang up. I asked her if she'd like to maybe run together again sometime. She said, "Yes, let me give you my number." (Right away I'm thinking high Interest Level).
We talked on the phone the next night (probably too soon, but I maintained a confident attitude) and in that phone call she said, "For some reason I'm so attracted to your personality".
We met to run together that weekend. It was one of the best dates Ive ever had. We ran in the rain, then we both ate apples (that I brought) under a picnic area. At this point everything was just totally flowing. So we walked back to our cars, we kind of stood there (still raining), I said "Do you want to sit in my car and listen to some music?" She said, "Yeah, I was hoping you would ask." We sat there and talked and looked at each other very lovingly and kissed for a long time. Also, she told me how she felt as if she was 10 years old again.
We went out the next night. Everything continued to be cool until she told me that she had just recently broken it off with some guy. She basically told me if we are going to get into anything that I need to approach it very slowly because shes emotionally fragile right now. This new twist was something that I wasn't sure how to handle.
We made a date to run again on Thursday. I called her that morning at 11:00 and woke her up. She said that she needed to cancel our running date because her girlfriend was in the hospital and she wanted to bring her dinner. She also said that she only had had a few hours of sleep the night before.
I told her, When we make a date, if you are going to break it, please give me a call before hand. I also told her that she could have run with me and also have taken her girlfriend dinner. She responded to that with, "Is that the only reason you called, to give me a hard time?
I left a message the next day but no return message. I went to her house two days later hoping that she had been gone all weekend and never got the message, but it turns out that she had been there the whole time.
She told me that she didnt call me back because when I corrected her about breaking the date, she felt really bad and with what she's going through she can't afford to get into an emotional situation right now.
So, Doc, that was that. I walked away from her door two weeks ago and have not made contact since. No calls, no emails. I would like to be the best man I can be in this situation. I don't need her to love me. If the best thing for me to do would be to be her friend until she feels stable, then so be it. But I would like to see her again in some capacity. And I don't want it to be some big drama on my part. It was so light and great at first. Where do I go from here?
Collins who wants to bridge the gap
You want to bridge the gap? Bridge the Grand Canyon is more like it! Ill bet if I went over to my bookshelf and pulled out my big fat Websters dictionary and I looked up the definition for naïve, Id find your photo there, Collins. This girls been jerkin your chain, dude, and unfortunately youre totally clueless.
Whats even sadder is that I get several e-mails similar to yours every day! There are tens of thousands of good guys out there with good jobs and good intentions who sincerely want to have a good woman in their lives. But they just dont get there because they dont have the awareness and skills that they need to win the dating game. Theyre naïve just like you, Collins.
Obviously, youve begun to study my System because you have SOME awareness of the concept of Interest Level. But youve got a whole heck of a lot more studying to do. Youve made so many blunders with this chick that there are almost too many to list. Nevertheless, Im going to quickly review the biggies.
Your approach with this gal was weak from the get go. Never say something like, Would you like to MAYBE run together again sometime?
Instead you should have merely said: Whats your home phone number? When she volunteered her phone number you should have asked her Whens the best time to call you? Then you could have called her at a completely different time, which would have made you more of a Challenge.
You knew that it was a mistake to call her the next night, but you rationalized your decision with the idea that you were maintaining a confident attitude. Like most men in that kind of situation you allowed your own impatience and neediness to dictate your actions. You were chompin' at the bit. You were jonesin like a junkie for instant gratification. You were saying to yourself, Her Interest Level is so high that I can get away with this. But the Reality Factor says that you didnt.
And its one thing to make a blunder like that out of ignorance. But since you had already begun to study The System, you knew it was wrong to call so soon but you did it anyway! Why bother to learn success strategies if youre going to trash them at the times you need them most?
In spite of your self-sabotaging behavior, Collins, you DID wind up making out with her in the car, and that was the last time you ever will. Remember that you can have a deliriously delightful smooch fest with a girl and it can easily turn out that it meant nothing to her. Why? Because you havent gotten past sixty days. To you Psych majors, you gotta get your time in.
When she told you that she had just broken it off with some guy and that she was emotionally fragile, that was Womanese for: He dumped me and Im still strung out on him. I call it The Boyfriend in the Background Syndrome. A woman with the Boyfriend in the Background Syndrome will do things like have a heavy make-out session with a guy, just for entertainment to momentarily distract her from her painful longing for Mr. Jerk.
When she broke the date at the last minute, she was rude and disrespectful. Her story was a bunch of malarkey. When you busted her on her B.S., she threw another insult at you. And you want to be friends with this girl! Id take a personal check from Don King first.
You totally lost it when you went over to her house to see why she hadnt returned your call. Remember, Collins, stalking is illegal plus, its anti-Challenge. The ONE thing you did right, Collins, was to walk away and stop all contact with her when you started to get it that it had become a no-win situation for you.
If you had been a super Challenge from the start, you might have gotten a whole lot more respect and authentic interest from this girl. Yes, the power of Challenge can even overcome The Boyfriend in the Background Syndrome.
But its too late now, guy. If you want to wind up being her butler and therapist, then go ahead and follow through with your idea to be friends with her. But I say youd be better off using the time youd waste doing that to seriously study what it means to be a Challenge.
Remember, guys, in the Jungle of Love, theres
nothing more dangerous than your own high Interest
Dear Doc Love,
Ive probably read about ten of your articles, so I know some things about your System, but I also know that I have a lot to learn. Im very confused about something that keeps happening to me with women and Im hoping that you just might be the guy to solve this mystery for me once and for all.
I am pretty good at meeting women. The place that I do best is at bookstores that have a coffee house attached. Ill notice a girl reading a book at a table and then Ill ask her something about the book. Then I might tell her about the really interesting book that Im reading and then it just kind of flows from there.
If Im really conscientious I can get maybe ten or twelve phone numbers in a week and out of those Ill get two or three actual dates which I figure is a pretty good batting average. (I hear stories from some guys who get phone numbers but almost no actual dates.)
I usually take a girl out to dinner and then for a walk down The Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica where theres all kinds of shops, crafts, live music and its great for people watching too. I think this is all good and the girls seem to like the atmosphere.
Once were together at the restaurant I try to be as gentlemanly as possible. I never swear or use foul language. I keep the conversation on a positive track. I always ask her a lot of questions about herself and I never talk about other women or flirt with the waitress.
After about an hour or so I always ask her if shes having a good time and if theres anything I can do to make things more enjoyable for her. I also always check with her at the end of the date to see how she thinks things went and if she felt comfortable with me.
Also, I usually call the girl the next day and tell her what a great time I had and how much I enjoyed her company. And then, I ask her if shed like to go out on a second date. Thats where it all goes down the tubes because they always come up with some excuse for why they cant go out with me again. I have to tell you that I simply cannot understand why this keeps happening to me!
I know Ive blabbed on a bit. Thanks for reading all of this. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Doc Love.
P.S. Could it have anything to do with the place that Im meeting these girls. Is it just that theres a very high percentage of flakey girls who hang out in bookstores?
Mason who cant get a second date
I can definitely help you. The reasons why you arent getting a second date are blatantly obvious to anyone who has been studying The System. Its really no mystery. So you can relax Mason because by the end of this article your journey to greater success with women will have already started. Were going to get you out of your Sophomore Slump as they say in Baseball. (Thats when a rookie who did pretty good the first year just aint cuttin it the second year.)
But before I reveal to you what youve been doing wrong, I want to commend you on what youve been doing right. Any guy who has the confidence and charm to be able to strike up conversations with numerous girls who are total strangers and wind up with twelve different phone numbers in a week is one hell of a closer! It takes real determination and a whole lot of testosterone to make THAT happen. Most guys dont get that many phone numbers in a year!
Yet, its interesting, Mason, that youre so confident, aggressive and unapologetic when it comes to asking for phone numbers and then so overly eager to please when youre out on the date. Your over-eagerness and your intense need for approval are the things that are turning these chicks off.
Women want a gentleman but they want a gentleman who is a Challenge, and the style youre using right now, Mason, is anti-Challenge. The babes are sensing that youre desperately hoping that theyll like you and whatever Interest Level they may have started with simply evaporates by the end of a first date with you (or sooner.)
You have to stop trying so hard to please them. Youre too accommodating and youre being like that because youre AFRAID that if you dont cater to their every whim then they wont like you. Instead, you need to take that same fearlessness that you have when you first introduce yourself to these women and carry it over into all your interactions with them. You have to start not caring so much whether you are pleasing them or not. You have do stop being so damn available.
During the first sixty days of courtship, women dont want to think that youre available. They want to think that youre unavailable. Thats what keeps them curious and interested. It sounds strange but its true. You need to learn how to keep them on their toes. Keep them off balance. Keep them wondering whether they are going to be able to win you over or not.
Its good to keep the conversation on a positive track. Its good to not mention other women. And of course, yes, never flirt with the waitress when youre on a dinner date with a girl. But, beyond that Mason, I recommend that you immediately cease and desist with all the checking in with your date to see if shes comfortable or if shes having a good time or how she thinks the date is going. These behaviors are sinking you Love Boat before it ever gets out of the dock.
And as painful as it may be to hear, Mason, Ive got to give you the rest of your dose of Truth Medicine. Any woman who has a shred of Interest Level left at the end of a first date with you loses it when you, Mr. Eager Beaver, Mr. Lonely Guy, call her THE NEXT DAY looking for more approval. Thats way, way too soon to be calling for a second date. You might as well just say. I know Im a loser, but please please have pity on me and like me just a little, please?
So now youre mystery has been solved Mason. Its not that every Bookstore is filled with flakey chicks. Your problem is that you are not being a Challenge, at all!
So start studying The System seriously, keep getting those phone numbers and start being a Challenge.
Remember, guys, you need to make women work to win you over
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
I read over some of your advice and think you are doing your male readers a big disservice. You tell men to 1. Let the woman say, "I love you" first. 2. Make her wonder if you like her or not 3. Let the woman do all the touching. 4. Act disinterested, etc., etc., etc.
This all sounds like "The Rules" to me, only the instructions are going out to men instead of women. You are telling men to play the same kind of games women are often told to play. If both sexes are being advised to "Never be the first one to say I love you, then who the heck is ever going to say it?
I am currently in love with a wonderful guy. Thank goodness he broke all of your rules. He told me he loved me after knowing me two weeks. He says it often. He touches me all the time, buys me flowers, and looks at me adoringly. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and it's because of all these things and more. (Oh yeah, he's also a nice guy!)
I think good communication and honesty is key to a healthy relationship. There is no room for game playing. It seems to me that the type of women who will be attracted to men who follow your advice are women who are insecure and neurotic.
Connie - whos mature enough to appreciate a loving guy
What are you looking for, someone to worship and adore you? Someone to lavish you with gifts and compliments, or a confident man who doesnt need your approval, who can hold his own with you, a true partner? What do you want a flash in the pan or a slowly building ember of true intimacy? Remember that its the ones who come on heavy from the get go who burn out quickly. (It sounds to me as if youre more in love with being romanced than with this guy who you dont know very well.)
One of the biggest complaints about men that I hear over and over and over again from women, is that men come on to them both verbally and physically, too intensely too quickly. Men are impatient. Most men need to learn to slow down, cool their jets, keep their mouths shut and wait for the woman to demonstrate that she is truly interested before they make any kind of important move.
So why in the world would we ever want to encourage men to push for emotional intimacy as quickly as you recommend? Are you sure, Connie, that its a good idea to be advocating that every guy who has a crush on a girl after two weeks should immediately tell her he loves her as he hands her a dozen roses?
I teach men to be patient and to slowly, but surely, build trust with a woman. If a man tells a woman that hes in love with her when hes only known her for only two weeks, how can she possibly trust him? He probably does the same thing with all of his dates.
Any woman who isnt insecure and neurotic would be and should be extremely skeptical about such behavior. Besides, how can anyone know enough about another person after two weeks to even know that they love the other person? Women, if any guy tells you that he loves you after youve known him only two weeks, head for the hills!
In all male-female relationships, its the woman who does the choosing, not the man. The wise man knows that its not prudent to invest his heart in a woman who has not chosen him. The relationship cannot proceed without the prerequisite of female choice. Its like standing in line for three hours to get on a flight to Italy, without a passport. You can go ahead and stand in the line, but without a passport you wasted your time and youre not going sightseeing in Rome.
If the man waits for the woman to say, I love you first, then he knows that hes being chosen by the woman. If HE says I love you first, even if she says it back to him in response, he doesnt know if she would have ever initiated it without his prompting, and so he does not have certainty about being chosen by her.
Let me ask you Connie, which would be more meaningful to you? A guy telling you that he loves you on his third date with you or a guy uttering those words only after trust and true intimacy has been built?
Remember, guys, keep your lips zipped.
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
I work out in a gym that is loaded with hot chicks. I let them eye me first and I dont stare at them. Of course I learned this technique from you. I notice other guys trying to get close to them by saying dumb things, but I keep my mouth shut.
Theres a drop dead gorgeous woman I see a there a lot who is married, and I kid with her. I let her know from the beginning that I was not coming on with her, so she feels real comfortable with me and we talk frequently.
The fun thing is that I notice the other women in the place stare when I make her laugh. (Like you say Doc, keep em laughin.) I know that some of them have become curious about me. You can almost hear what theyre thinking: Hmm, whats the story with that guy? That woman who seems to be so charmed by him sure is beautiful.
In fact, theres this other fox there named Kristen who had initiated a conversation with me after she saw me making the married gal laugh. I wasnt sure if she was just being friendly or if she had any romantic interest in me. So, as you recommend, when the timing was right I closed her to find out where I stood with her. Heres how it went down:
Me [Smiling]: "So, Kristen, What's your home phone number?"
Me. [Smiling, turning to leave] "It's been a pleasure talking to you Kristen. See you next time. (I knew from what youve taught me that when a girl gives me an answer like that instead of her phone number that Ive already gone down in flames.)
Kristen: "I can't date you because I have a boyfriend. But, like, we could hang out. I don't have a lot of friends..."
I just didn't know how to respond to that. But Id like to have a great comeback for when and if a girl says something like that to me again. I feel like maybe I blew it somehow. If Id had a better comeback maybe Id have gotten her number. So, Doc, any hints or tips about this particular scenario would be greatly appreciated.
Chad - who wants to know what he, should have said back to her
First of all, realize that the most important thing is not whether you got her home phone number or not. The most important thing is that you ASKED for it. As they say in sales, you asked for the order. Thats what counts. So many guys just dont have the sense of commitment or the courage to ask a girl point blank for her home phone number.
But you did it, Chad, and you did it in a calm, confident, self-assured manner. You didnt beg like a Teddy Bear Guy when you asked and you didnt act pissed off like an out - of - control Macho Boy when she turned you down. So you get an A from the Doc on this one. Congrats!
Also realize that once a woman makes it clear that she has no romantic interest in you by giving you some kind of smoke-screen-type answer, then theres essentially nothing you can do in that instant to suddenly raise her Interest Level. As my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, If her feelings are below the 50 yard line, youre outta' there!
But, Chad, in a situation like that, you CAN confidently throw in a clever zinger that will raise her level of RESPECT for you when she does her - saying NO without really saying NO routine. To you Psych majors, youve got to go out smokin.
When you asked her for her phone number and she said Why? you could have said, Because I want to show you all the fun that youve been missing out on.
When she said, I cant date you because I have a boyfriend you could have said, with a twinkle in your eye, What if I send him on an all- expenses-paid vacation to Miami Beach for two weeks? Will you go out with me then? Or, You know you dominate him, and youre bored, so why are you still with him?
When she said, But, like, we could hang out, I dont have a lot of friends, you could have said, As soon as you get rid of your boyfriend Ill be happy to be your friend. Or, Why is it that people dont want to get close to you? That one would be guaranteed to twist her head around.
But, Chad, I dont want you to be obsessing on what you could have or should have done. You did great because, as I said, you asked for the order. Just keep studying and practicing. And keep closing when you know that the timing is right.
Remember, guys, without respect from a woman you have nothing.
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
Dear Doc Love,
After being in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for over a year and a half, about three weeks ago she told me she thought we should take some time off from each other. I have to confess that I was absolutely dumb struck when she came up with that. It seemed like things were pretty good with us. I mean we had our arguments and stuff but we always seemed to work through any big problems.
I tried to find out why she wanted to do that, but I couldnt get her to be specific in any way. She just said that she felt like shes grown a lot and that I havent. I told her that whatever way she felt like I should grow that I could learn and change. But she said it was too late for that.
I know this is sounding like the standard clichés right out of a B movie, but this is really the conversation that we had. When I asked her how much time she thought we should take off, she said that she wasnt sure.
Well it didnt take me long to figure out that time off really meant the end. I found out from a mutual friend that shes already been dating some other guy, a bartender, and that theyve already been intimate!
I hate to admit it but I am still hopelessly in love with her and I would do anything to get her back. The thought of going back into the singles scene is totally depressing to me.
My friend just turned me on to your articles at askmen.com and told me that you have a System for success with women that really works. He says that you have all the answers, so my questions are why did she leave and what should I do to get her back?
Dante, who hopes theres a way
Since youre obviously a new reader, Im going to give you some basic info about Interest Level. When you and your former girlfriend first started going steady, she had a high level of romantic interest towards you. She had strong loving feelings for you.
But, at some point, probably about six to eight months or so into the relationship, her Interest Level in you reached its peak and then began to slowly erode. Over the ensuing months it finally sank so low that she wanted to be with Mr. Gin and Tonic instead of you.
Now this is important, Dante. I want you to understand that her Interest Level didnt drop from 90% or higher to almost nothing in one day, although it seemed that way to you. Just about all men who get dumped by a woman think that the womans Interest Level died overnight, but the Reality Factor says that it takes time for a woman whos in love to fall out of love.
You were dumbstruck when she dumped you, Dante, because you failed to pick up on the signs and clues she was giving you as her Interest Level was diminishing. You didnt really think much about it, but she began to be less affectionate, a little less passionate, a bit more argumentative, more distracted. These are the kinds of things that I call red flags, and, Dante, it sounds to me as if you missed a ton of them.
Maybe in YOUR mind, Dante, you two always worked through any big problems, but in your exs mind, she kept adding up the penalty points. Of course she never informed you of that. Although she was exhibiting symptoms of low-interestitis, she was still concealing her true feelings from you. (Youll never hear a woman say, Honey, I think you should know that my romantic Interest Level is starting to slide so could you please do what you used to do that was keeping it so high?)
Also, Dante, I need to inform you that when you told her that you could grow and change, you were groveling. Never grovel for a woman, unless she has a gun to your head.
So, Dante, why did she leave? She left because you did too many things over time to lower her Interest Level. What were those things? In order to answer that question I would have to have more information about your relationship. I need specifics rather than generalities like; we argued. To you Psych majors, you gotta be like a love cop on Law and Order.
But I CAN tell you that whatever you did to lower her Interest Level, it would fit into a couple basic categories. Either you stopped being a Challenge or you failed to give her affection, respect and romance. So please, start studying The System to learn how to be a Challenge on a consistent basis and how to keep a womans Interest Level high. If you do that youll never have to experience this kind of pain again.
Realize, Dante, that once a womans Interest Level sinks below the 50% mark, then its past the point of no return. Youve got to face it dude, youre out and thats it! No Vegas bookmaker would give you a snowballs chance in Hades for getting it back together with this gal who no longer wants your body or your heart.
Its time to get back out there, however discouraged you may feel, and start getting phone numbers. And if you begin getting pangs of longing for your ex, just make a list of all the things about her that you didnt like. Then keep reading it like a hundred times a day.
Remember, guys, always be on the lookout for those red flags or Youll be sorry.
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
I'm 26 years old, and my fiancée is 22. Before me, she was in a three-year relationship with this guy, and he was also the one that took her virginity away. Weve been together for 10 months, and its been great but moving awfully fast. Like I said, shes my fiancée.
The problem happened about a month ago, and I don't know what to do. She cheated on me with him, but I just found out the whole truth yesterday.
When I asked her why she did it, she told me that she loves me AND she loves him, and at that time, she didnt know what she wanted and was unhappy. She broke down yesterday and told me the whole truth because I think she just found out that he was manipulating her and basically just wanted to hurt her.
We talked for hours and hours last night about this, and all she could say was that she was sorry. I asked her: How could I ever trust that you wont do this to me again? She replied that my telling her that hurts her so much, and shes now learned from all this.
Doc, I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions right now.
One way is to say "Good-Bye;" the other is to try to work this out with her and have her earn her trust back with me. But I don't know if I could honestly trust her again. What I do know is that I love her dearly, but I don't want to get hurt like this again. What are your opinions on this topic?
Alonzo who wants to know if he can trust her again
Youre asking me if you can ever trust her again? As my cousin, Fast Eddie Love would say, Would you take a check at a crap game? Think about it, dude. While she was engaged to you, your girl was doin the guy who first initiated her into physical intimacy. Yikes! The hard, cold truth is that shes disqualified herself as wife material or even part time girlfriend material for that matter. Any trust that you might have built with this gal has gone the way of the buffalo.
When you say that the relationship has been great, but moving awfully fast, it sounds as if you were edgy about the prospect of tying the knot with this hussy to begin with. Perhaps, out of her insecurity she pressured you into the engagement? Regardless, even if she hadnt betrayed you, its obvious that shes not mature enough to handle being in a long-term committed relationship.
Additionally, theres a problem with young chicks in general that the women as victims/political correctness advocates never mention. Young women who are about 18-22 years of age need to feel their oats just like young guys do. Settling down to till death do us part with a 22 year woman is a high-risk proposition. Its too easy to wind up with a monthly alimony and child-support bill.
I know that youre wounded and youre in pain, my brother, and its hurts even more to face reality, but you need to understand why this movie is over. Do you know what the opposite of trust is? Its treason.
As my Uncle, Jethro Love would say, She sold you out, boy. And youre thinkin about takin her back? How you gonna look in the mirror every morning? Whatll you do when she goes out shopping and then comes home two hours late? Whatll happen to your comfort level then, boy?
Another thing that ticks me off about this broad is that when you asked her a totally legitimate question: How could I ever trust that you wont do this to me again? she then told you that you were hurting her by asking her that. Well, she was just letting you know that its really YOU whos the bad guy here! Man oh man. Shes got cojones the size of avocados.
Rather than listening to her, Alonzo, you should be listening to your gut, and your gut is telling you that you cant bet on this pony. If her first love hadnt dumped her, your two-faced traitor of a girlfriend would still be workin both of you, and youd still be clueless. Theres no working this out with her Alonzo. Its already all been worked out and shes out!
Remember, guys, if she strays, she pays.
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
I have a doozy for you. My girlfriend is a plain Jane, intelligent and simple, nothing fancy. She's a VERY attractive girl, but she seems to be lagging behind in the effort department. On our first dinner and a movie date she showed up in a pair of worn jeans, very worn sneakers and an undersized hooded jacket that she seemed to have had since high school. I pretty much figured that she was not much of a fashion plate and accepted her individuality and substance over her appearance. But the more we dated the more I realized she was a knockout.
Now, don't get me wrong, I prefer a woman who knows how to dress casual or formal while maintaining class and femininity with a sexy feel. But it's been harped on that men are shallow and should accept women for who they are and not what theyve got on. So, I tried to humble my outlook.
One day while having dinner at her house she started to speak about fashion designers and which ones she prefers over the other. Laughing to myself about how simply she dresses, I wondered aloud what could she possibly know about designer clothing and high fashion? Then she invites me to her bedroom and proceeds to take out designer wear from her closet and model them for me.
Man I saw a side of her that made me drool like a kid in a candy shop. She had some items that would definitely make me want to purchase opera tickets just to have her on my arm. I asked her why she doesn't wear some of these things when we go to nice restaurants, and she just shrugged her shoulders. A week later I asked her to wear something nice from her wardrobe, and I made reservations for dinner on a yacht here in NYC.
I put on one of my best suits, and she shows up in an outfit she wears every other day to work void of any accessories. I was truly disappointed and after the date asked her about it. She again shrugged her shoulders. It was really making me edgy as to why I wasn't being afforded the extra effort, even when I was stepping up to the romance plate.
Ive come to learn that she just will not even attempt to look nice for me, even when I take her to nice places. She tells me that the nice clothes she has were given to her by her father, and she prefers wearing them for him, especially when they go to church.
Furthermore, she tells me that fashion is not important and she doesn't prefer looking fashionable at all, but when the time comes she knows how to look good. So, I asked, "when is the appropriate time," and she again shrugs her shoulders.
Doc it feels like I am being clowned. I make sure I look tight for my date so she can be proud, and all I get are half-baked outfits, dingy sneakers, and shrugged shoulders. Is it me? Am I being shallow or is a woman with high Interest Level going to look her best for you even without you asking?
Tylon who wants to know why she doesnt want to look her best
Lets get right to the bottom line here. When your girlfriend took you into her bedroom and showed you all the killer outfits she had that she can wear if she chooses to, she knew it would make you drool. It was a tease, a putdown a dig, a dis. In effect she was saying: Look what Ive got, and you dont get any. I save these for the most important man in my life, the only man that I respect enough to dress up for because I know its important to him. But you dont rate.
At that point Tylon, right there in her bedroom, you should have gone into The Interview with her. The Interview is used by a man to get the truth from a woman about something thats bothering him. You dont yell or change your loving tone, but you give her a Bill OReilly. You create a no spin zone where she must tell the truth.
Youd ask her, How come you only dress up for Daddy? You wouldnt let up until you got to the bottom line. If you got her riled up enough she just might blurt out: I only dress up for men I love. Then shed be busted on her true Interest Level in you.
Let me tell you Tylon, theres nothing wrong with wanting your woman to dress nicely for you. Thats nothing to feel ashamed about or to apologize for. Youre a classy, romantic guy, and this gal is lucky to be going out with you. Its OK to want what you want, and its OK to ask for what you want-- which you did. You asked her to dress up for the dinner on the yacht and what did she do? She dissed you again. She blew it. She knew that it was important to you for her to look hot and instead of honoring your request, she threw in a little screw you by wearing the mediocre outfit. It wasnt a loving thing to do.
This gal has a serious attitude problem. If she just had no sense of style and didnt have the closet full of classy duds, that would be one thing. Then Id say; Hey, thats the way she is and you can accept it or not. But to take you in the bedroom and taunt you and then not even wear one of those outfits when the time came is way, way uncool. The Reality Factor says that this woman is not a giver.
Even if she was truly burnt out on dressing up, if she cared about making you happy, shed go the extra mile every once in awhile and pull out one of the sexy outfits for you for special occasions.
Why is she being so uncooperative? We could ask a hundred different psychotherapists, and they all could come up with a hundred different answers. But the Bottom Line Factor says that shes being unloving and disrespectful do you need that Tylon?
Its difficult to determine her true level of romantic interest in you, Tylon, with the limited info. youve given about her. But the larger issue is that shes exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior towards you. Assuming that you havent done anything to make her resentful towards you so she would want to behave this way, my analysis is that shes not a loving, giving person and hence, not long-term committed-relationship material.
Remember, guys, before you sign the contract, make sure youre getting exactly what you want..
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
Im another guy who loves beautiful women and wants to understand them.
Ive been with one absolutely gorgeous woman in my life. That was three years ago and the relationship only lasted about two months. Im not certain why she initially chose me, but she dumped me for this mangy criminal type guy who can barely stay out of jail. Shes still with him. He never works, she supports him, and shes madly in love with him.
Since that happened to me Ive become acutely aware that so many of these gorgeous women are with losers, or just scummy looking guys. One thing Id like to know is: why the losers? Im not a guy who gives in and am by no means a wimp. I consider myself a positive Challenge, but I have come to the conclusion that these unapproachable model type women are only attracted to a limited group of men.
Its either guys with power, fame and barrels of cash or band members or creepy losers with too many tattoos, but not an average guy with good looks and a lot to offer. What do you think?
Terrence - who wants to know whats going on
Youre quite accurate in your description of the types of guys that the drop dead gorgeous babes prefer. But youre leaving out another kind of guy they go for. If, instead of being an average guy with good looks and a lot to offer, you were an average guy with spectacular looks and even nothing to offer, youd be getting some serious attention from those unapproachable goddesses. Even from some of the married ones.
Now as we all know, the real beauties do go for the rich and powerful celebrities. Drop dead gorgeous women are essentially celebrities themselves, simply by virtue of their great beauty. Theyre genetic celebrities. And since women always date and marry up these extreme beauties go for the gold. The Reality Factor says: beauty always finds the money and money always finds the beauty.
But besides these obvious reasons, its difficult to know for certain why any woman really chooses the man that she chooses. Observed from an objective viewpoint, womens mate choices are often irrational, illogical, contradictory, and rather arbitrary. To you Psych majors, women are inconsistent.
So, Terrence, theres more than one possible explanation for why these beauties go for the borderline (or even full on) criminal type, the crazed musician with more piercings than a pin cushion or the creepy loser who cant keep a job. And every stunningly gorgeous babe will choose differently based upon her level of self-esteem, her emotional maturity and her upbringing.
Still, there is one thing that the types of males that Ive described above have in common. Theyre all rebels in some way. Theyre not socially acceptable. If a beautiful woman has a lot of anger toward her father, and many of them do, she can symbolically give the finger to Daddy by choosing, for instance, a drug dealer with a bone through his nose for her boyfriend.
Also, as strange as it sounds, dangerous men make many women feel safe. All women crave safety and security and a guy whos done hard time makes some women feel safe and protected. She knows that hell crush any other guy who hassles her, and beautiful women do get harassed a lot.
The other thing that all these types of guys tend to have in common is a kind of detached, dont give a crap, attitude. So these 10s perceive them as extra manly, confident and a Challenge.
Keep in mind, Terrence, that just because shes beautiful on the outside, it doesnt mean shes clinically sane on the inside. Just because she has a fantastic body on the outside, it doesnt mean she has common sense on the inside. Just because she has gorgeous breasts and long legs on the outside, it doesnt mean shes marriage material.
Remember, guys, beauty is only skin deep but character is to the bone.
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
I think your advice is absolutely great. I just recently started reading your articles, and you definitely get into the root of things that many guys cannot figure out. Your info about how to tell whether a woman is really interested in you or not has totally blown my mind.
I consider myself very handsome and in good shape. Im 27 and also make decent money and have a great personality. In fact, I have no problem meeting women and have had a good share, but not enough to say I want to settle down with one. Almost all the women I have been with have been 7's or 8's.
I live in Los Angeles, and I know you lived here also, so you know the caliber of women here. I would like to know how I can meet the 10's or the super stunning model type women who seem like theyre out of my league. When I go out on weekends to a nightclub I see several women that could easily be on the cover of Playboy. But I don't understand how to meet these women. Whats the secret? Being a Challenge and waiting for them to notice me does not work, because THEY seem to be the Challenge and they know it.
Ive been telling myself Ill have to wait until I make more money, but I really don't want to wait. I want to upgrade now. Any suggestions Doc?
Benny who wants to catch a beautiful woman
Allow me to give you a few tips to help you be more successful with beautiful women. First of all, youre trying to meet them in all the wrong places. Although nightclubs are one of the best places to FIND beautiful women, theyre one of the worst places for actually meeting them. Yes, these venues are stocked with babes, but generally speaking, bars and clubs are not user - friendly environments for men.
Most of the beautiful women who go there, go there to dance, to flirt, to be ogled, to get off on their own power, to get free drinks, or just to chatter with their girl friends, without any intention of actually looking for a relationship partner. Besides that, they all go there with their defenses up.
Men are generally looked upon by women as guilty until proven innocent: a possible rapist, abuser, weirdo, jerk, stalker, geek etc. But in a night club, that youre on trial attitude that men get from women is even more magnified. So circumvent that whole setup which has the odds stacked against you.
Youll have much more success, for example, at an acting class, a cooking class, a New Age Seminar, a Swing Dance Studio, a comedy improv workshop, or a twelve-step meeting (if appropriate for you.) There wont be as many knock outs at these places as at the hottest club in Hollywood, but the ones that you do meet will be much friendlier and much more accessible. And remember you only need one.
Another thing you can do that can make a huge difference in the attention you get from beautiful women is to be seen with one on your arm. By that I refer to going out to an art gallery opening, for instance, with your beautiful cousin or your best friends gorgeous wife who is also your good buddy and who will be happy to touch your arm a lot while the other heavies are watching.
Then, let your gorgeous female buddy be the point man for you (so to speak.) Let her strike up conversations with the other beautiful female art lovers. Then, let her ambiguously introduce you as her VERY good friend while she squeezes your hand. Thats a much more elegant approach than going in cold in a noisy nightclub.
My final tip for you, Benny, is: never think that the 10s are out of your league. The guys who get them dont think that way, so why should you? Just realize, however, that the higher you go up on the female beauty scale, the higher the maintenance factor. A 10 is twice the trouble of an 8 plus twice as difficult to keep.
Remember guys, you not only marry her looks, but also her attitude.
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
I have a very cool wife. Shes gorgeous. We have mutually high romantic Interest Level in each other. She has a fantastic attitude. Shes flexible. Shes a giver. Shes as loyal and trustworthy as a Police dog. Shes intelligent, sophisticated and a very talented singer and songwriter. In fact we perform and sing together at different coffeehouses in Southern California.
Its the best relationship Ive ever had in my life and it just seems to get better and better as the months go by. Weve been married now for ten months and I cant believe how much I love married life.
Theres just one little thing that she does that seems to be a slight problem, and Im not sure how to deal with it. Every once in awhile, and I really do mean every once in awhile, like maybe once every three weeks or so, shell tell me to do something rather than ask me. Its almost like shes giving me an order. She only does it once and then it doesnt happen again for weeks.
The last time it happened we were about to go to sleep and she said, Turn out the bathroom light. She didnt say; Would you turn out the bathroom light? or Honey, can you turn out the bathroom light? She just said it like a command: Turn out the bathroom light.
When she does that, it just throws me for a loop and I dont know what to say or do. The way Ive been handling it is that I wait about a minute or so (so that I dont look like Im just jumping through hoops) and then I do what she wants. But I think theres probably a better way to handle the situation. Id like to respond in a way that shows her the error of her ways without seeming like Im uptight and out of control. Any suggestions, Doc?
Franko who wants to deal with all this
In every romantic male/female relationship, there are always going to be minor things that each partner does that irritate the other. Theres no such thing as an absolutely perfect relationship, no such thing as two people being 100% compatible. So, on the one hand, you could say, Gee, she has a fantastic attitude 99.2% of the time, and once every three weeks she acts like a traffic cop for one minute. I can live with that. But, I say, its worth testing to see if you can eliminate her annoying habit of ordering you around. Its better to eliminate any potential for feeling resentment, if possible.
I recommend letting her know that her behavior is unacceptable in a playful and humorous way. The idea is to take a stand without being reactive or whiney or pouty. So the next time she gives you an order, you can say something like; Yes, sir Master Drill Sergeant sir! Get right in her face, snap to attention and salute her. (Make a mockery of the situation.) Then follow her instructions. Next, go back to her and say Task completed Master Drill Sergeant Sir, Private Franko awaiting further orders, Sir. That will get your message across.
When you do a skit like this, youre setting limits and letting her know that her behavior is unacceptable without coming off as an uptight Macho Boy. Using humor is the best approach and its often very effective.
Then, if she happens to give you another order in the months that follow, drive home your message again with a different comedy skit. When she says: Bring me the telephone, say; Yes Master this little puppy dog can fetch better and faster than any other doggie on the block. If Im really quick will I get a doggie biscuit for a reward? Say this as you fall to your knees, pant and grovel. And as you adopt this physical posture, give her a great big grin the way Dennis Quaid would. Hopefully, after that, shell terminate her unloving behavior.
Remember, guys, if shes chronically doing something you dont like, use humor to change her.
© 2002 DocLove Dot Com
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