Relationships

Menstuff® has compiled information, books and resources on the issue of relationships.

IMPORTANT BOOKS

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DocLove

Susie & Otto

Dating Advice

The Cutrights

Middle-Age Relationships

Martin G. Friedman
Don Steele
The New Intimacy
Success
Be a Man

Lion Goodman
Irv Engel
The Advice Diva

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Women's Brains/Men's Brains

It's not about the nail.
41:44
How Men and Women Can Be So Different and Still Create Fireworks and Magic! John Gray
1:40
If Women Were Honest On Dates
4:24

 

The Differences Between Women and Men
Lies Women and Men Tell
How Men Define “Having It All”
She Said, He Said
"I don't want to make her angry"
Chick Flicks and Guy Movies
Stiff Competition
You are unique so don't hide it
Father's Day

Mother's Day 1870
Happy "Bad Father's" Day says the Fox Television Channel
Digging for Gold
What age women are looking for in the Bay Area
What AOL is Telling Women
Women & Television
Building Trust?
Love
Hugs
Articles

Newsbytes

The Daily Husband Blog
Snippets
Finally a fair way to fight
Resource:
Text the romance back 2.0
BooksCommunication, Conflict Resolution, Domestic Violence, Marriage, Relationship, Sexism, Sex Roles, Social Theory, Men on Women, and Women on Men
Related Issues:
Domestic Violence, Marriage, Relationships, Reproduction, and the issue of Humor and books on Humor which include some of the biggest ways the "war of the sexes" is fueled. Please say "That isn't funny!" not only to rape jokes, but to any joke that shames or demeans another person - especially to the ones sent in group e-mails. Just click on the "Reply All" button and let them all know where you stand.
Weekly Columns
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen - Doc Love is a West Coast talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. He provides us with a weekly column on relationships. www.doclove.com
Tom Blake - Is the author of Middle Aged and Dating Again and Finding Love After 50: How to begin, where to go, what to do. Visit him at www.findingloveafter50.com
Nancy Fagan - is the best-selling author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Romance and Desirable Men: How to Find Them. Visit www.ExpertDatingAdvice.com
The New Intimacy - Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D., a husband and wife psychology team from the East Coast discuss weekly The New Intimacy from their book by the same name. They can be heard M-F 4-5 PM and Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com
Being a Man: Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World.Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer all letters. Write dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
Susie and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners from the Midwest who are committed to helping others create outstanding relationships of all kinds. Visit their web site at www.collinspartners.com
R. Don Steele - is the author of How to Date Young Women:  For men over 35, How to Date Young Women:  For men over 35, Volume II, and most recently, Body Language Secrets and in lives in Southern California. Check out steelballsAUDIO.COM

Men's Health Faces Backlash for 'The Secret to Talking Sports with Women'


An article entitled “The Secret to Talking Sports with Any Woman” in Men’s Health has incensed thousands of people online, garnering the magazine over 4800 mentions on Twitter. If the generalizing title wasn’t enough, the sub headline continues: “The things that interest you are unlikely to interest her, but you can still make a connection; here’s how.”

The piece is a fragment of an article, and it’s the lack of information and blind generalizations that make it so insulting. For the seductive sports secret, Men’s Health turned to Andrei Markovits, Ph.D. and coauthor of Sportista: Female Fandom in the United States. He reported: “Most women don’t care about stats.” Instead, apparently, “most women” would rather hear the stories behind the players.

The point? Some women love sports, adore the numbers around them, and would rather not get into the soap opera-esque stories that surround the players. Others might ask you to turn the game off as soon as they walk in the door. Any article that claims to offer a lesson for connecting with ANY woman should devote more than seven sentences to the topic.
Source: www.makers.com/blog/mens-health-faces-backlash-secret-talking-sports-women?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl32%7Csec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D541966

(Editor's note: Two problems here. They'll relying on probably a psychiatrist for facts and second, Men's Health magzine, year's ago, claimed women had a prostate. They couldn't locate this phantom organ within the female body, however, when I asked them where it could be found. If you depend on Men's Health magazine to be factual, don't. - Gordon Clay)

How Men Define “Having It All”


You’ll never guess what dudes factor in!

These days, if you’re a young professional woman, you probably hear about “leaning in” just as frequently as your grandmother asks you when she can expect some great-grandchildren. We’re constantly reminded that yes, it’ll be exhausting, but you can totally “have it all.” But what does “having it all” even mean?

Apparently, that definition might depend on your gender. As part of the newly released Citi and LinkedIn Today’s Professional Woman Report, more than 1,000 professional LinkedIn members—including men, for the first time—selected what they consider “having it all” to entail in terms of career, money, marriage, and children.

Turns out, 79 percent of guys think a strong, loving marriage plays a part in having it all, whereas only 66 percent of ladies say the same. In fact, not only do fewer women than men feel that marriage is key, but the number of women who say that neither marriage nor relationships factor into their definition has nearly doubled over the past year: from five percent in 2012 to nine percent in 2013.

And when it comes to kids, 86 percent of dudes consider them part of their “having it all” definition—but for women, that number’s only 73 percent.

Do these numbers surprise you? How about the fact that men and women have different definitions for “having it all”?
Source: www.womenshealthmag.com/life/having-it-all?utm_source=zergnet.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=zergnet_119656&cm_mmc=zergnet-_-WomensHealth-_-trafficpartner-_-HavingItAll#.

Digging for Gold


Self-made millionaire John Taylor placed a personal ad for a wife and received 2,000 replies. How many do you think he would have gotten it he had said, rather, that he was only an honest, loving, hard working mechanic?

Orlando Sentinel. "In his study , Charles Waehler, author of the forthcoming book Bachelors: The Psychology of Never-Married Men found that the men share three "modes of defense" in relationships: avoidance, isolation and distortion. These single men seemed reluctant to get involved, make demands or reveal their needs in sexual relationships. Waehler found that the bachelors' defensiveness and isolation permitted interaction but bottled up emotions. They tended to be standoffish, indifferent and avoided situations where feelings could be hurt.

Note: Image behind the Lenny icon is from Ean Begg's Myth and Today's Consciousness. I always thought it was an intriguing look at heterosexual women & men.

What AOL is Telling Women


July 26, 2000 Main Screen to Every AOL User - Marrying for "Love or Money". So this was their conclusion. Marry for money. Read on.

Dear Delilah (who is Deb Levine, their "relationships"? expert.)

I'm a 22-year-old Indian girl, and I've been waiting to marry a guy whom I've loved for four years now. He's not well-established or financially secure; and since I come from a well-to-do family, my parents are asking me to break up with him. I am getting marriage proposals from rich guys, and my parents want me to choose one soon.

What should I do? I have to get married fast. Should I break up with him? If so, what should I tell him so that he doesn't retaliate and ruin my marriage? Should I go ahead and get married without telling him?

Savitry

Dear Savitry,

It sounds like you've already made your decision to marry one of the wealthy men. That's a perfectly fine decision if you've spent four years with this one guy with no sign of marriage in the future.

However, you do have to show your boyfriend some respect by breaking up with him decently. Anyone would be angry to find out that his girlfriend of four years got married without telling him!

Sit down and start a conversation with him. Tell him about your family pressure to get married and your need to move on with your life. Go over the fun parts of your relationship, but then tell him that you don't see any longevity as a couple. Apologize, and call it a day. Sure he'll be hurt, but not as hurt as if you don't tell him at all.

-- June 7, 2000

Editor: Savitry will probably get what she deserves in a marriage. Money and not lasting love. But, that's what Delilah is recommending to women and that what she and many other women have chosen. It's too bad that they don't remember that when the marriage goes sour. That's how they chose to look at love.

10 dating statistics you ought to know


Have you ever looked at the person you love and wondered, "What were the odds of us meeting and winding up head over heels?" I did the other day, and because I wondered it out loud—and because the person I love is a social scientist—he immediately looked it up in a book called Sex in America: A Definitive Survey. The odds were actually pretty good, he informed me. Sixty-three percent of married couples meet the way we did, through a network of friends.

To me, this 63 percent figure was a revelation. I always knew dating was a numbers game, but I'd never thought to take that saying literally. But as I continued browsing through my guy's extensive, factoid-heavy book collection, I realized that there were statistics confirming just about every dating phenomenon I'd ever experienced. So why not let the statistics guide you in your search for a lasting love? With that in mind, I put together a list of 10 factoids every single person should know:

1. 44 percent of adult Americans are single, according to U.S. Census figures. This means there are over 100 million unattached folks out there. So, if you've ever worried, "There's nobody out there for me," know that there's hope!

2. Statistically, the find-someone odds favor guys: There are 86 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women, although in some regions the gender ratio favors women, especially out West. Paradise, Nevada, a suburb 10 miles from Las Vegas, has 118 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women. Other cities where gals got it good include Austin, Texas; Fort Lauderdale, Florida; Tempe, Arizona; and Sunnyvale and Santa Ana, California. A coincidental bonus for women thinking of relocating: All of these cities are sunny and warm.

3. The best place for single people on the prowl is New York, where 50 percent of state residents are unmarried, and Washington, D.C., where a whopping 70 percent of the population is single. The worst places are Idaho, where 60 percent of people are married; and Utah, where 59 percent of people are married.

4. Think you'll find love while perched on a barstool? Think again. Only 9 percent of women and 2 percent of men say they've found a relationship at a bar or club—blame it on the beer goggles. So if you're lonely and looking, you're better off hitting on cuties at Starbucks.

5. Got someone hot in your sights and want to reveal your interest? Fifty-one percent of people use flattery, according to the book Are You Normal About Sex, Love, and Relationships? Or, try touching them, a tactic used by 25 percent of single folk. Still another 23 percent utilize the schoolyard approach and send the word out through a friend.

6. If you're into online dating, you're hardly alone: 40 million Americans use online dating services; that's about 40 percent of our entire U.S. single-people pool. So if you haven't tried it yet, maybe it's time to dive in!

7. Profiles and photos go together great. Online, being bashful will get you nowhere. Women and men who post their photos receive more than twice as many emails as those without photos, according to a study published by economists at MIT and University of Chicago. And a Match.com survey revealed that profiles with photos had 15 times the response rate as those without. Some numbers!

8. On a date, first impressions do count: Men take only 15 minutes to decide if a woman is worth a second date. For women, the clock isn't ticking quite so fast—they ponder whether to get together again for an hour or so.

9. The number one problem for couples in America? Disagreements about money, according to a poll by the University of Denver. So, don't write off a date just because you two bickered over the dinner bill; everyone clashes over cash.

10. If you're feeling like your relationship is hitting the skids and want to bail, the painful face-to-face approach might not be necessary: An estimated 48 percent of online daters report that their breakups have happened over email. Call it rude or just plain convenient, but it happens a lot.

Meredith Broussard is the editor of an upcoming anthology, The Encyclopedia of Exes: 26 Stories by Men of Love Gone Wrong. Her website is www.failedrelationships.com.
Source: Meredith Broussard, msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=5288&TrackingID=516163&BannerID=558828&menuid=6

"I don't want to make her angry"


“I am afraid of her anger. I avoid confrontational things and I get silent and shut down when she gets angry. I don’t feel safe to express my wants and feelings if I think it is not what she wants. Then, I get even more distant because I am resentful.”

Do any of these ring true for you? Do you recognize them from your own relationships?

The urge to avoid an intense outburst or a “prolonged session of processing”, as one man called it, is easily understandable.

But avoiding an outburst today fuels ten outbursts tomorrow. It’s like pissing your pants on a cold winter day to get warm: extremely short-lived benefit, followed by freezing misery.

In other words, it’s detrimental to relationship.

In Chris’ example, his girlfriend probably thinks he doesn’t care about her and doesn’t have the guts or ability to see a conflict through to resolution.

Plus, in seeing him turn away from her, she’s likely to conclude that something is wrong with her.

Then there’s the impact on Chris himself.

By not expressing his feelings and wants because they might not be what SHE wants, he is dis-empowering himself. In essence, he’s telling himself, “My wants and needs are not important – they might even be bad and make her mad.”

One of the central aspects of being powerful, of being in your power, is to be able to guide yourself from the inside out. In other words, to have your “emotional center of gravity” inside yourself.

This in stark contrast to Chris’ experience of trying to guide his actions based on what he thinks SHE wants. That is, to have his center of gravity outside himself.

For any of us to be powerful men and have powerful relationships, we need to be solidly rooted in our own wants, desires, and values, while at the same time being attuned to our partner.

Here are a couple of actions you could take …

Source: loveworksforyou.com/men-lose-their-power-with-women-part-3/

Chick Flicks and Guy Movies


Nick Waters, a young guy in Oklahoma, agreed to watch 30 days of chick flicks in 30 days with his wife and discover, with his wife's help and interpretations, what made women tick. He concluded that "any real relationship is based on forgiveness, compassion and vulnerability." Films, all chosen from 2007 or later, were based on suggestions from friends and posters to his website. The final list was:

You can read about Nick's adventures at his website, 30chickflicks.com

Some men have suggested that Nick's wife, Nicci, should agree to watch 30 action flicks in 30 days. But I don't think that most action movies per se give us more than a cartoonish idea of what men are like. Yes, some action movies may be revealing or instructive about what makes men tick, but the category is too narrow. I'd include buddy movies plus anything else that reveals men's psyches. And I wouldn't limit the field to films from 2007 to today. Why leave out the really good old films?

Here, for instance, are some films I recommended in this space back in 2002 in a list called "Mentoring at the Movies":

Some of them are action movies; some, like "Training Day," are quite violent. But they all involve men relating to each other or to women or to the rest of society in rich, sometimes unpredictable ways. Here are a few more recent films I've thought of:

Uh, I seem to be on a Tom Hanks jag.

Well, you get the idea. Many movies about men show us not only as heroes or superheroes but also struggling with and occasionally triumphing over doubt, fear, reversals, and feelings of inadequacy.

But I want your ideas. What movies would you sit Nicci down and make her watch for 30 days? Not to punish her for her stunt with Nick, but to explore what you want women, or society in general, to know about us by watching movies about men?

If I get enough responses, I'll post a list. Send your ideas to menletter@aol.com

Bonus question: Have you seen any of the Chick Flicks listed above? What did you think? Try to be brief, or at least pithy.
Source: menletter.org

Additions from Menstuff.org

You missed the majority of a category that has some really powerful women. I've always liked strong women and here's my list of additions: mix of powerful chick flick and action guy flick.

Movies

Television

Do Fights Help a Relationship?


Looking over my past relationships that haven't gone the distance (sadly, all of them), I'm struck by the realization that each seems to have shared one trait in common: We never fought. Until the very end. When it was too late, and so out of character, compared to the sea of tranquility that had seemingly kept us afloat beforehand.

Can spats serve a purpose?

But like the corrections in the stock market, maybe it's healthy to experience periodic mini-meltdowns to forestall the major ones in a relationship. I started to wonder: Instead of trying so hard to be agreeable, should I have kept it more real? Should I have been less agreeable at the risk of creating some tension? I'd been dating someone for a month and all seemed to be going well, when it occurred to me that maybe I needed to provoke a fight. I'd always carefully avoided conflict in relationships, but suddenly I was excited about transforming into my own Don King.

In helping my present relationship go the distance, my challenge was trying to provoke a bout that didn't end with a breakup -- say, a one- or two-rounder. How could I "knock her down" gently enough, so that she could get back up and "knock me down" gently enough? Following this punch-counterpunch, I figured I would, in effect, just lie there, "throwing the fight." Then, like two sweaty pugilists at match's end, we'd hug and let bygones be bygones. She'd win, but we'd both really win, because I'd have helped diffuse tiny mutual hidden resentments before they'd mushroomed into deal breakers.

That, at least, was the theory.

How I started sparring

OK, I thought, so what was ever so slightly sticking in my craw? The cold truth? Nothing. Wait. The cold truth. I was onto something. Why does her opinion of the cold always have to be the truth? Whether it's my car or the apartment I've managed to live goose bump-free in all these years, according to her, "It's cold in here." But it's not where we are; it's her. She's cold!

This was good. I was getting miffed. Maybe my thermostat doesn't need adjusting. Maybe you need a little adjusting, Missy. Now I was getting too miffed. Deep breath. I was ready for her. To save our relationship, not to mention the white-out I'd need to dab over the name of another future ex on my auto-dialer, I was about to risk looking like a jerk. All towards the selfless goal of making my girlfriend slightly mad enough to secrete her relationship toxins.

I took her back to my place and waited for things to hit the fan -- my trusty accomplice literally and dutifully whirring in her direction.

"It's cold in here," she said the second she saw the fan. Ding! The round one bell went off in my head.

"Not necessarily," I countered. Nice jab. The crowd in my head was cheering.

"Why is the fan on?" she prodded.

I kept on my toes, and delivered a sudden "Why wouldn't it be?" Silence. Had I grazed her? Apparently not. She returned with a calm retort: "It's cold in here." I had to shake up this fight before the crowd in my head began heading for their cars. I sensed my opening. I tossed her a quick, "Maybe it's cold," pointed at her featherweight frame and laid my figurative glove on her with full force, "in there." That's it. Whatever she could muster in return, I was ready to take a dive and end this thing. And then... she shivered. And asked for a sweater. Below the belt! Where's a ref when you need one? The jacket I draped over her could have included an embroidered "Champ." Maybe I could train for a rematch.

She stages a comeback...

The rematch occurred the next day, after I picked up the phone in work mode, and she remarked, with a hint of disdain, "You sound busy." I was. At first, I reverted to my old ways -- I went overboard trying to sound un-busy enough to put her first. But our extended conversation was about to make me even busier in making up for lost time after I hung up. That's when I applied my hard-fought lesson about keeping it real and admitted, "Actually, I am kind of busy." Ding!

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Nice return.

"I didn't know how to say it, without sounding rude." Decent block.

"Evidently," she noted, with a touch of sarcasm.

And then... she apologized for making a big deal out of nothing. In effect, she was throwing the "fight!" Embroidered jacket, your new champion awaits!

As for Mr. Whatever You Say, Dear, he's retired (if not undefeated). Now that my partner has had a few tangles with the new less-than-subservient me, maybe she won't be as surprised the next time he enters the ring. Call it the good fight that keeps things from getting really chilly.

Scoring the match

By our next date, the vibe between us actually felt warmer. When a bond becomes strong enough to withstand the expression of honest feelings, it can help make the fight to respect those feelings worth winning. That's one added punch that won't hurt any relationship.

Source: Andy Cowan is an L.A.-based writer, producer and performer. His credits include Cheers, Seinfeld and 3rd Rock From the Sun.

Surviving Your First Big Fight


Who doesn't love those first idyllic months of a new relationship? You're enamored, giddy and can do no wrong in one another's eyes. But then whammo! One not-so-fine day the bubble bursts. He forgets a major commitment or she shows up an hour late for the third time and suddenly, instead of kissing, you're sparring. Hello, reality.

"I tell couples that their first big fight is actually the real beginning of an intimate love affair," says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness. "Until you face -- and resolve -- your first major feelings of disappointment, you have an untested relationship that hasn't yet had to develop real depth." In other words, a little disagreeing might actually bring you closer. But that's predicated on handling it like two mature adults.

"Given enough time, every partner will do things to disappoint or hurt you... none of us is perfect," says Dr. Neuharth. "What matters is not that fights happen... it's how you negotiate and repair them that's the secret to a long, healthy, passionate relationship."

With that in mind, check out these hints for surmounting your first squabble (so you can get to your first make-up session faster).

Don't name-call or finger-point

Think twice before blurting out "You're being a complete idiot" or "This is all your fault" the minute things get heated. Why? Because even if it's true, placing the blame squarely on your partner's shoulders won't resolve the fight. Instead, your sweetie's defenses will be triggered and communication will likely be cut off. "Nothing escalates a fight faster than responding at a purely emotional level. It leads to a test of wills and boils down to who's right, not what's really wrong," says Jennifer Komitee, 34, New York, NY.

And if this is how you two start your fighting dynamic, it doesn't bode well for arguments down the road. "The more your fight contains things like name-calling, getting personal and blaming -- instead of listening -- the more challenges you will have facing the inevitable disagreements that arise naturally when you're part of a couple," says Dr. Neuharth.

Keep absolutes out of the conversation

Words like "always" and "never" don't belong in a first fight, and the minute you introduce them into the conversation you risk polarizing yourselves. "You never listen to me" or "You always put me last" may be what you're thinking, but chances are, it's not "always" the case. In fact, there were likely more than a few times in those first glorious months when your honey was hanging on your every word and skipping important work or family events to be with you. So give the absolutes a rest. You haven't been together long enough to pass universal judgments.

Use "I" messages

"If you find yourself starting many of your sentences with 'you,' your partner will probably get defensive or attack back," says Dr. Neuharth. "Instead focus on your own feelings, needs and desires." Try saying, "It would really mean a lot to me if you got to know my friends," or "I feel hurt when you cancelled our plans at the last minute." This kind of phrasing is especially important in a first fight because you're still learning about each other and you need to let your partner know what you hope to get from the relationship.

Take a brief time-out

Sometimes the best thing you can do in a first fight is to take a moment (or longer) to cool off and collect your thoughts. "I know I have the tendency to get a little out of control when pushed too far, so in my first fight with my now-fiancé, I removed myself from the situation by taking a 45-minute shower," says Diane Cornell, 27, New York, NY. "I not only came out really clean, but also in a much better place to discuss the issue like a mature, aware woman rather than an emotionally reactive girl."

A good separation tactic, advises Dr. Neuharth, is to say, "I see we both feel strongly about this and I value your opinion, but I think I need a little break. How about we stop talking for 10 minutes (or 30 minutes, an hour) and then reconvene?" One caveat: If you agree to a fight hiatus, you must come back and talk about it again after the time-out is up! "Don't just sweep it under the rug," warns Dr. Neuharth or the issue will be 10 times worse when it resurfaces... and it will resurface.

Fight together, not against each other

Arguments are adversarial by nature, but the more you can work towards a solution together, the better the survival chances of your budding relationship. One helpful technique in a first fight can be to actually call out what's happening. "As soon as one of you realizes you're in a fight, say something like 'Hey, I think we're having our first fight,'" says Sam Hamburg, Ph.D., author of Will Our Love Last? "Then go somewhere, sit down across from one another and take turns talking... you can even time it so you alternate back and forth, each getting one uninterrupted minute at a time."

Dr. Neuharth also suggests offering comments like, "What are your thoughts about this problem?" or "How do you think we can work together to fix this?" Inviting discussion and joint problem-solving can help you stop fighting and start solving.

Focus specifically on the issue at hand

When you're first learning how to fight as a couple, it's important to try and resolve one issue at a time, not turn this single incident into a what's-wrong-with-our-relationship free-for-all. "Describe what your partner did as specifically as possible rather than painting it as a character issue," says Dr. Neuharth. In other words, "You took away the remote without asking me and changed the channel" is much different than "You are so self-centered and selfish." And don't drag in other grievances that have nothing to do with this fight (i.e., shifting from the remote control to how your honey is almost always a little late for dates). You don't want this one issue escalating into an all-out war.

Don't take this as a sign to end the relationship

You may suddenly find yourself thinking mid-fight, This isn't worth it... it's over, but making a decision about your budding relationship at this volatile moment is a bad idea. "When a couple has its first fight, partners may feel dismayed, shocked, betrayed, afraid, sad, angry -- or even that all bets are off in the relationship," says Dr. Neuharth. Why such a strong reaction? Because the fight has shattered the illusion of perfect harmony you had up until now. Rather than throw in the towel, recognize that this is a learning opportunity, not a matter of win-lose survival, says Dr. Neuharth. Chances are you'll get through this... and many more fights down the road.

So follow these tips, and move onto the making-up process.

Should You Stay? Good Question.


Relationships are a bit like cars. Every so often you get one that stalls on you, leaving you to make the fateful decision: With just a little more tender loving care, can I turn this baby around and keep chugging? Or am I behind the wheel of a clunker whose expiration date is up?

Similarly, knowing when to move on in a relationship is never an easy choice, especially when a couple seems to be putt-putting along to nowhere. But something is making you ask the question. And you know what? That's worth exploring.

In fact, Dr. Jeanette Witter, a clinical psychologist, suggests that to get to your answer, keep the questions coming. Ponder these:

You might be thinking, if all these questions are necessary, shouldn't I be packing my bags anyway? Our expert says it's OK to take stock of what you have.

"People aren't mind readers," Witter says. "Clarifying where you are is an important part of growing in a relationship."

But there's a caveat to asking all these questions, she says.

"You have to be able to face the answers, hear what the person says, and try not to be defensive about it. And be as honest as possible about what you express to the other person."

Source: Stacy Gilliam is an award-winning freelance journalist living, working and loving in Washington, D.C. personals.aol.com/articles/2008/12/22/do-fights-help-a-relationship/?icid=200100397x1215872363x1201073691

Men Love Just as Powerfully as Women


Scientists and laymen have spent the last 50 years dispelling myths about women. I worry that journalists, academics, and laymen will continue to perpetuate an equal number of myths about men. Annually in 2010, 2011, and 2012, I have conducted a national survey of singles, in collaboration with a US dating service. Together we designed a questionnaire with some 150 queries (many with up to 10 sub-questions) and polled over 5,000 single men and women. We did not sample the members of the dating site; instead we collected data on a national representative sample based on the US census. All were “never married,” divorced, widowed, or separated; none were engaged, “living together,” or in a serious relationship. Included were the appropriate number of blacks, whites, Asians and Latinos, gays, lesbians, bisexuals and heterosexuals, rural, suburban and urban folk s, and men and women from every age group (21 to 71+) and every region of the United States.

These data paint a different portrait of men than do America’s chattering class.

Men are just about as eager to marry as women.

Men aren’t “players” either. Men are just as eager to find a partner; indeed, men find loneliness just as stressful.

Men are far less picky in their search. Women are the picky gender.

Men fall in love faster too — perhaps because they are more visual.

Men experience love at first sight more regularly; and men fall in love just as often.

Men are faster to introduce their new partner to friends and parents, more eager to kiss in public, and want to “live together” sooner.

Men have more intimate conversations with their wives than women do with their husbands, because women have many of their intimate conversations with their girlfriends.

Men are just as likely to believe you can stay married to the same person forever.

Men are 2.5 times more likely to kill themselves after a break up.

Women seek more independence when in a committed relationship; want more personal space; are less eager to share their bank account; are more eager to have “girls night out;” and are more likely to want to vacation with their female buddies.

Both men and women “must have” a partner whom they can trust, someone in whom they can confide, and someone who treats them with respect. These three requirements top the list for both genders in all years. Marriage has changed more in the last 50 years than in the last 10,000. Men, like women, are now turning away from traditional family customs, instead seeking companionship and self-fulfillment.
Source: By Helen Fisher — Originally published in "Edge — 2013 : What "Should" We Be Worried About? Helen E. Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist, is a Research Professor in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written five books on the evolution and future of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the chemistry of romantic love, and most recently, human personality types, and why we fall in love with one person rather than another. In her newest work, she reports on four biologically-based personality types, and using data on 28,000 people collected on the dating site Chemistry.com, she explores who you are and why you are chemically drawn to some types more than others.

Newsbytes


1:19

Perfect Age Gap For Couples: 4 Years and 4 Months


"Fox & Friends" reports a new survey shows there may very well be a "perfect" age difference in relationship, and it’s a very, very precise number: four years and four months. However, that number only applies when the man is older. According to the study done by confused.com, only 1% of women believe an ideal relationship is with a younger man. WRC reports the bigger statistic is that 70% of women prefer to be with a man who is 3-6 years older. (1:19) Confused.com
Source: www.aol.com/video/perfect-age-gap-for-couples-4-years-and-4-months/517698039/?icid=main

Relationships are good for your health


Personal relationships are taken for granted, even though research shows that people with strong social ties live longer than those who are isolated.

Do Opposites Really Attract?


She drives a Lexus, he rides a Harley; she's a sports nut, he's a bookworm; he's a Republican, she's a Democrat. Do opposites really attract? Is it good if they do?
Source: www.webmd.com/content/article/91/100973

Men and Women ... Both From Mars?


Common ground might be just the neutral territory men and women need for better understanding, says one expert. Take her quiz.
Source: my.webmd.com/content/article/112/110279.htm

It's a jungle out there


We can help you sort through all that dating madness. Check out our tactical tips for building relationships that last.
Source: my.webmd.com/content/pages/20/105410.htm

He's Just Not That Into You!


The bottom line is that men are not complicated and there are no mixed messages. If he doesn't ask you out, call you soon after a date, or want to come inside with you after a date, then he's just not that into you. Find the book.
Source: my.webmd.com/content/article/96/103732.htm?z=1687_pdrr00_4053_IN_07

Where the Girls Are


Where should you hunt for a mate? Men looking for women should check out:

Bristol, VA
Franklin, VA
Pulaski County, GA
Monroe County, WV
Randolph County, GA

If you're a single woman looking for a single man, Alaska is still a gold mine. However, our study only covreed counties in the continedntal United States.

Chattahoochee County, GA
Union County, FL
Jones County, TX
DeKalb County, MO
Crowley County, CO

Our rankings are based on the combined numbers of single, divorced and widowed, compared to the numbers of single, divorced and widowed women. The statistics are drawn from the 2000 Census.

Finding a Mate Who Looks Like You


Here are your odds.
Source: www.healthcentral.com/news/NewsFullText.cfm?id=505889

Dating Don'ts


How to get rid of an unwanted suitor.
Source: www.healthcentral.com/news/NewsFullText.cfm?id=504412

Single? Where to Look for a Mate


For all you singles out there who are looking for that special someone, but finding it difficult, perhaps you are looking for love in all the wrong places. Here is where you should be looking. Editor's Note: A great site. NOT a dating service.
Source: www.epodunk.com/county_data2/

When Differences Make a Difference


Differences between partners in a relationship are natural because they naturally do exist. Just as a difference in height between two people is natural, a difference in thoughts, feelings, and behavior is also “normal” and “natural.”
Source: www.impactpublishers.com/pressrel/Is%20Your%20Relationship%20In%20Trouble.htm

Is Your Relationship In Trouble?


Is your relationship stormy? Indifferent? One-sided? According to Pennsylvania psychologist, Dr. Michael S. Broder, these are the three categories of troubled relationships, which account not only for the alarmingly high divorce rate, but also the much higher percentage of significant non-married relationships that end.
Source: www.impactpublishers.com/pressrel/When%20Differences%20Make%20a%20Difference.htm

Understanding Your Partner's Feelings


When partners share feelings, ideas, and beliefs, our responsibility is to be attentive, respectful, and accepting. You demonstrate sensitivity by listening attentively in order to understand your partner’s frame of reference. The skill of empathy helps us do this.
Source: www.impactpublishers.com/pressrel/Understanding%20Your%20Partner's%20Feelings.htm

Test Your Own Marriage Satisfaction


Marital relationships are complex institutions! In order to improve the quality of a marriage, it helps to take a systematic look at how it is functioning. Here is a questionnaire you can use as a general guide for evaluating your marital satisfaction.
Source: www.impactpublishers.com/pressrel/Test%20Your%20Own%20Marriage%20Satisfaction.htm

Friendship: It's a Special Relationship


There is no relationship quite like that of friendship. Not so irrational as love, yet far more intense than acquaintance, friendship is perhaps the least understood of human interactions.
Source: www.impactpublishers.com/pressrel/Friendship%20It's%20a%20Special%20Relationship.htm

Men - Study: Looks, Heart Tops For Single Women


Women who place lonely-hearts ads in big city newspapers are looking for love in different places - wallets, hard bodies, soft hearts, bowling alleys - depending on where they live.
Source: www.intelihealth.com/IH/ihtIH/WSIHW000/9105/342/350582.html

Snippets


Finally a fair way to fight.


As long as relationships exist, there will always be arguments that coincide. These fights will usually go on for an extended period of time until one person decides to shamefully admit defeat, even though they knew deep down that they were right. Now with TheFairFight.com, we finally give you the opportunity to prove yourself once and for all. No relationship therapists. No biased opinions from friends. No cost. No Dr. Phil. Simply results. Being hailed as "The kids who are taking on Dr. Phil", (WVUD 91.3), TheFairFight.com is sure to turn some heads. Offering an interesting option for couples and friends. Does it really work you ask? Take a look for yourself. The Fair Fight...because someone's right TheFairFight.com

Weird Guy Behavior Explained


Men: We're big fans, truly we are. But every once in a while, we could use a little help understanding some of the bizarre things they think, say and do. Here, our intrepid guy reporter answers your burning questions about 14 of men's oddest quirks.

Why won't he stop and ask for directions?

You've all been there. "There" being nowhere near where you are supposed to be because the Magellan wannabe behind the steering wheel would rather drive around in circles, cursing at street signs for hours, than pull into a gas station and ask for help. But his resistance isn't merely macho - it comes from a primal, evolutionary place, explains Allan Pease, coauthor of Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps. "Men had to rely on spatial skills to survive - they needed to know where to throw the spear to hit the zebra running at high speeds. They also needed to remember how to get back home with the meat. So to have to stop and ask for directions is to admit you've failed at your number one evolutionary task!"

In other words, our big, fat egos are at stake -- even if the task at hand isn't exactly life-and-death. "If Columbus could find America, I feel like I should be able to find my niece's third-birthday party," says Rich, 35, a geologist from Miller Place, NY.

Why is he obsessed with the Discovery Channel?

Flip to the Discovery Channel at any given moment and you'll see people blowing things up, animals eating each other or men with ridiculous mustaches riding around on motorcycles. It's everything we wish we were doing instead of working from 9 to 5 every day (besides the getting-eaten-by-a-wild-jackal part).

Why does he love quickies so much?

It's simple mathematics. Dudes experience spontaneous sexual hunger about twice as often as women, according to a study conducted at Oxford University. Add to that the fact that 30 percent of men experience premature ejaculation at some point in our lives, and you've got an equation for a quickie. Nick, 31, an actor from Braintree, MA, has a somewhat less scientific explanation for the male proclivity for fast-and-furious love: "More pleasure, less effort," he says. "It's like my favorite beer - tastes great, less filling."

Why can't he be bothered to wrap a present?

So we think the store bag counts as wrapping paper. It's not because we're uncaring jackasses. As evidenced by many a single guy's apartment, where a $2,000 TV set can coexist happily with a coffee table fashioned from a cardboard box, attention to detail often eludes us. We see the big picture -- i.e., the gift -- but little finishing details like bows and ribbons seem superfluous and inconsequential.

And believe it or not, there is actually a lot of loving thought that goes into the lack of shiny paper and Scotch tape. "When I've bought my girlfriend something expensive from a fancy store, I want her to know that it's the real deal and not some knockoff I bought on the street," says Jimmy, 32, from Bowling Green, OH. "Giving it to her in the store bag proves it." And, really, isn't a pretty blue Tiffany shopping bag nicer to look at than something wrapped in three-year-old Christmas paper and duct tape?

Why can't he throw out those junky T-shirts from college?

No, we don't think armpit-stained Guns N' Roses concert tees are the must-have item this fall. Two impulses make us hold onto those old shirts until they fall off our bodies: One is -- yes -- sentimentality. "This is where men and women are alike," says Nick. "This is the X in our XY chromosomes. Whenever I put certain old shirts on, I can't help but remember a game of touch football or the first hike I went on with my fiance while I was wearing that shirt." The other reason we can't part with our tees is that guys are, well, kinda lazy. Throwing something out requires effort -- and replacing it requires one of the most dreaded activities in a man's life: going to the mall. If it's comfortable and covers our torso to a reasonable degree, both our hearts and our shopping phobia will have us holding onto it for dear life.

Why does he call his friends by rude nicknames?

Your husband is on the phone with one of his buddies and just referred to him by a funny but foul name. Are they in the middle of a fight? Just the opposite, says Austin, 31, from New Orleans: "Only someone who loved us would say something that harsh to our face." Allan Pease explains, "Giving friends nicknames shows an emotional connection, but the filthy humor prevents it from being too emotional, which makes men uncomfortable."

Why does he suck at chitchatting on the phone?

It's all about hormones, says relationship expert John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. "Oxytocin, a hormone that reduces stress in women, is stimulated through communicating and collaborating. For men, testosterone reduces stress - and it's stimulated through solving problems and competition. Chitchatting is basically the opposite of accomplishing anything. It can actually lower a guy's testosterone levels, and he'll start feeling uncomfortable and bored."

Why must he repack the car when you fit everything in fine?

Whether you are loading Costco loot for the short ride home or shoving suitcases in the trunk for a cross-country trek, there is one thing you can be sure of: Whichever way you cram everything in will be "all wrong." Why do guys insist that they're expert packers? "Well, typically a man is better at packing the car," laughs Gray. (Yeah, we men stick together like that.) "Most research reveals that men have a much more developed sense of spatial perception, which is what makes a person good at arranging things." And don't be fooled by those moans and complaints he makes about having to redo your alleged packing disaster. "We love the challenge," admits Nels, 34, a writer from Savannah. "It's like a life-size game of Tetris."

Why does he always think it is 20 degrees hotter than it really is?

Some experts say men have a higher internal temperature. Others say that more body hair = warmer bodies. Whatever the reason, all guys agree: If you need to pile seven blankets on the bed every time the temperature dips below 68 degrees, keep them on your side of the bed!

Why does he have a garage filled with power tools he never uses?

Guys are born to love gizmos - literally. In a study of newborns who were given the choice of looking at a human face or a mobile, the majority of boy babies were more interested in looking at the whirling, twirling thingy than the adoring person making goo-goo faces. (Baby girls, conversely, preferred human interaction. Weirdos.) In addition to this apparently instinctive love of things that spin and buzz at the push of a button, many guys experience a kind of nostalgia when perusing the Black and Decker aisle at Sears. "It's often his attempt to live the fantasy of being the Man of the House," says Pat Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth About Love. We grew up seeing our dads and grandpas running around with hammers and monkey wrenches fixing (or making worse) whatever ailed the house. We want to be just like them, not some 21st-century wienie who's afraid to chip a nail. Having the tools on hand at least gives us the illusion of competence.

Why doesn't he want to talk about his day when he gets home?

"I just want to leave all the annoying crap of the day behind me and think about nothing for a while," says Jim, 31, a father of two from Beacon, NY. At the end of the day, men are tired of thinking, and, more important, we're tired of talking. "Studies show that women use 8,000 to 9,000 words a day. Men use 2,000 to 4,000 words a day on average," explains communication expert Allan Pease. "By the time they come home from work, they've used up their words. And women have 5,000 left to go."

Why can he remember the score of a baseball game played 10 years ago, but forgets his own mother's birthday?

Sixty percent of men forget birthdays and anniversaries, compared with only 16 percent of women, according to one British survey. Are all guys idiots? (Don't answer that!) "Birthdays and anniversaries are linked to emotional events, which brain-imaging studies show that the male mind doesn't respond to as much as the female mind does," says Pease. On the other hand, as we've already seen, testosterone is what really soothes the male soul, and watching or competing in sports is one of the primary things that gets it pumping. "You hold onto those scores and memories because they make you feel good," John Gray notes.

Why does he get jealous about a boyfriend from seventh grade?

Bringing up an old flame, no matter how innocently, is a sure way to ignite the fires of jealousy in your guy's heart. Men, you may have noticed, can be incredibly competitive, and as Pat Love notes, "Talking about an old boyfriend makes him feel powerless. He's thinking, 'How can I compete with a memory?'" He can attempt to outwit - or, in the worst-case scenario, punch out - some guy he thinks is flirting with you at a bar, but there is nothing he can do about little Johnny Smith, who held hands with you on that field trip to the natural history museum. Man, we hate that guy.

What's up with all the lesbian fantasies?

"Two words: No penises," says Jimmy. Truth is, in the pantheon of ridiculous sex fantasies floating around the male mind, one scenario reigns over all others: stumbling upon two women going at it hot and heavy, and being asked to join in the fun. And watching two porn actresses experience orgasm after orgasm with each other (they wouldn't fake it, right?) is the closest 99.9 percent of men not named Hugh Hefner or Dirk Diggler will ever get to living that fantasy.
Source: By Dan Bova, lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/Dating/Articleiv2.aspx?cp-documentid=299664

Text the romance back 2.0


Note from Editor: We don't sell advertising at menstuff.org. However, this is an Internet sales pitch for a product that was recommended by one of our relationship columnists. We aren't making a penny off of your response. They aren't making a penny off of your response. However, while I haven't purchased this program, I find it intriguing. And, while basically directed to women, I think guys can benefit from the information and if you like it, give it to your relationship. Side-bar: I believe this is a heterosexual project and don't believe it would benefit gay relationships since it deals with a lot of hard-wiring issues between males and females. The initial pitch is 20 minutes long. If you stay on-line, there is another 12 minutes of post-sell. All of this being said, like most on-line pitches, there is a "special offer" price, here $47. It may come with a caveat upon sign-up, that is hooking you into additional materials unless you contact them to cancel any further materials or products. As I said, I didn't buy this product so I'm not sure of its value. Just a heads-up. One last comment: If you're asking "If you think this product is so good, why didn't you buy it?" Fair enough. I'm not in a romantic relationship and have no desire to be in one. If I did have an intention of being in a romantic relationship I would have gotten it. - Gordon Clay

Free Presentation Reveals: How to Turn Even the Biggest Romantic Numbskull into “Prince Charming” Just by Pushing a Few Buttons on Your Cell Phone. This is a program called "Text the romance back 2.0" This is a 20 minute presentation with a 12 minute post-sell if you want more information. It's primarily directed to women but we are presenting it here because we think men can learn from it and it might reduce the complaints and judgements your woman directs at you.

What age women are looking for in the Bay Area


What age women are looking for in the Bay Area: AOL love match This is a list of each woman at AOL Love Match and the age they are looking for in aa man.

Woman's Age
Looking for
30
30-40
37
34-45
30
28-35
31
31-39
59
54-70
27
27-35
33
27-40
33
33-40
43
33-45
23
21-30
36
35-45
49
44-56
45
40-45
32
28-34
37
33-48
28
26-35
55
50-65
56
48-66
48
44-55
53
45-59
44
37-49
47
44-55
49
42-60
46
40-55
54
42-52
43
40-50
29
28-38
37
34-43
46
45-65
26
25-35
36
30-45
31
30-39
37
40-50
55
44-55
23
25-32
45
37-52
47
38-55
23
26-30
39
40-50
42
35-48
50
40-55
47
35-55
49
40-58
37
30-47
46
41-52
59
55-65
52
49-54
46
38-50
39
36-46
35
30-42
56
55-65
46
35-60
53
44-82
34
30-42
32
28-40
42
40-55
32
30-41
34
36-42
40
33-40
26
25-32
46
40-59
48
44-50
46
42-56
44
36-48
45
45-62
42
36-48
35
32-42
51
48-60
52
48-59
52
45-55
49
46-55
60
55-65
54
54-65
35
32-45
53
45-55
39
35-50
55
49-59
35
30-52
54
48-60
39
37-55
39
35-40
27
26-32
33
32-40
47
40-58
44
45-56
41
35-45
22
23-30
42
35-50

What the 'Perfect' Female Body Looks Like Around the World (PHOTOS)


From Marilyn Monroe to Jennifer Aniston, celebs and models -- and magazine editors and fashion designers, of course -- have set beauty standards for American women. But what we've perceived as aspirational isn't necessarily what our sisters in other countries believe to be their ideal. Hence why a new study strove to illustrate various perceptions of beauty all over the world

Source: thestir.cafemom.com/healthy_living/189285/what_the_perfect_female_body?utm_medium=sem2&utm_source=taboola-pvs&utm_medium=sem2&utm_source=taboola-pvs&utm_campaign=taboola_pvs&utm_content=adwave-historicaltopic

Select a country below to see the full-sized Photoshopped image:

Argentina
China
Columbia
Egypt
Italy
Mexico

Netherlands
Peru
Philippines
Romania
Serbia
South Africa

Spain
Syria
UK
Ukraine
USA
Venezuela

For the imges, go to onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/perceptions-of-perfection/?utm_source=affiliatewindow&utm_medium=affiliate

As you can see, our designers’ changes made some of these images almost unrecognisable compared with the original photo. While some remained largely similar with the exception of slight slimming, others resemble a new woman altogether. Drastic changes in hair color, attire, and waist-to-hip ratio were common. Some designers in North, South, and Central American countries produced an exaggerated hourglass figure; others in European and Asian nations chose to render her so thin that her estimated BMI, according to a survey we conducted (described below), would fall under or dangerously close to 17.5. According to the NHS, “Adults with anorexia generally have a BMI below 17.5.”

Given the wide range of body sizes submitted, we wondered what these women might actually weigh in the real world. We ran a brief survey with a 35-person sample and, assuming a height of 165 centimeters, asked participants to guess the weight of the woman in each Photoshopped image. We then calculated her BMI based on average weight data.

Estimated Weight and BMI of Each Submission - Ranked

Country

Pounds
BMI

China

102
17.0

Italy

108
18.0

Ukraine

120
20.0

UK

126
21.0

Netherlands

127
21.1

Argentina

127
21.1

USA

128
21.3

Philippines

128
21.3

Mexico

128
21.3

Syria

129
21.5

South Africa

131
21.8

Egypt

132
22.0

Serbia

135
22.5

Peru

141
23.5

Venezuela

145
24.1

Romania

146
24.3

Columbia

147
24.5

Spain

153
25.5

Source: onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/perceptions-of-perfection/?utm_source=affiliatewindow&utm_medium=affiliate

China and Italy had the thinnest submissions, weighing in at an estimated 7.28 and 7.71 stones respectively. Spain had the heaviest submission at 10.93 stones, while China had the lightest (7.28 stones), which translates to an estimated BMI of 17. As noted above, according to the NHS, this qualifies as anorexic.

Study Details

Superdrug Online Doctors commissioned us (Fractl) to investigate perceptions of beauty around the world.

We contracted with 18 freelance designers and gave them the following general instructions:

Photoshop her form. The idea is to Photoshop and retouch this woman to make her more attractive to the citizens of your country. We are looking to explore how perceptions of beauty change across the world. Multiple designers are involved. You can modify clothing, but her form must be visible. No nudity. All other changes, including those to her shape and form, are up to you.

We focused on female designers, as we wanted a woman’s view of what her culture finds attractive and to understand more about the pressures they face. However, in order to get entries from more countries, we accepted contributions from four men with the caveat that they first seek input from women and base their design changes on this feedback.

We used three designers from international locales with whom we were already acquainted, but most of the artists featured were contracted via freelance job boards. We attempted to get as wide a spread as possible across the world, but many countries are poorly represented on these job boards, particularly when it comes to female designers. We also had issues finding interested artists in some countries due to the amount of skin shown on the model.

Designers Across the Globe

Since what is perceived as beautiful can vary substantially around the world, our study of the ideal body image attempted to compare as diverse opinions as possible. We located designers from 18 nations spanning five continents, including North America, South America, Europe, Africa, and Asia.

Beauty and the Beholder’s Eye

“Beauty cannot be judged objectively, for what one person finds beautiful or admirable may not appeal to another,” so says the dictionary. And the range of depictions found in our study appears to confirm this notion.

While beauty can come in many forms, and we suspect that people will forever chase these assorted ideals of perfection, Superdrug Online Doctor commissioned this study to explore how such ideals vary across borders.

If you liked this study but wished we had taken a different angle or perspective, check back as we are planning follow-ups on both male and female beauty.

Fair Use

We grant permission to repost the images found on this page. When doing so, we ask that you kindly attribute by linking to onlinedoctor.superdrug.com and this page so your readers can learn more about the project and its methodology.
Source: onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/perceptions-of-perfection/?utm_source=affiliatewindow&utm_medium=affiliate

*     *     *

Understanding is a two-way street.

Instead of always harping on a man's faults, tell him of his virtures. Try to pull him out of his rut of bad habits. Hold up to him his better self, his real self that can dare and do and win out. - Eleanor H. Porter, 1868-1920

There is only one sex...A man and a woman are so entirely the same thing that one can scarely understand the subtle reasons for sex distinction with which our minds are filled. - George Sand

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are... Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taught, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. -- Mary Jean Iron

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Someone's therapist knows all about you.



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