Menstuff® has compiled information, books and resources on the issue of relationships.
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 Women's Brains/Men's Brains |
It's not about the nail. |
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41:44 How Men and Women Can Be So Different and Still Create Fireworks and Magic! John Gray |
1:40 If Women Were Honest On Dates |
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4:24 |
Dancing with the Beloved - Paul
Ferrini
The Differences Between Women and
Men
This Is What a Large Age Gap Does to Your
Relationship
Lies Women and Men Tell
How Men Define “Having It
All”
She Said, He Said
"I don't want to make her
angry"
Chick Flicks and Guy
Movies
Stiff
Competition
You are unique so don't hide
it
Father's Day
Mother's Day 1870
Happy "Bad
Father's" Day says the Fox Television Channel
Digging for Gold
What age women are looking for in the Bay
Area
What AOL is Telling Women
Women
& Television
Building Trust?
Love
Hugs
Articles
The Daily
Husband Blog
Snippets
Finally a fair way to
fight
Resource: Text the romance back
2.0
Books: Communication,
Conflict
Resolution, Domestic
Violence, Marriage,
Relationship,
Sexism, Sex
Roles, Social
Theory, Men on
Women, and Women on
Men
Related Issues: Domestic
Violence, Marriage, Relationships,
Reproduction, and the issue of
Humor and books on Humor
which include some of the biggest ways the "war of the sexes" is
fueled. Please say "That isn't funny!" not only to rape jokes, but to
any joke that shames or demeans another person - especially to the
ones sent in group e-mails. Just click on the "Reply All" button and
let them all know where you stand.
Weekly Columns
Women Don't Lie -
Men Don't Listen - Doc Love is a West Coast talk show
host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. He
provides us with a weekly column on relationships. www.doclove.com
Tom Blake - Is
the author of Middle
Aged and Dating Again and Finding
Love After 50: How to begin, where to go, what to do. Visit
him at www.findingloveafter50.com
Nancy Fagan -
is the best-selling author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to
Romance and Desirable Men: How to Find Them. Visit
www.ExpertDatingAdvice.com
The New
Intimacy - Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski,
Ph.D., a husband and wife psychology team from the East Coast discuss
weekly The
New Intimacy from their book by the same name. They can be
heard M-F 4-5 PM and Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com
Being a Man:
Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World.Got a love, relationship or man/woman
question? He'll answer all letters. Write dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
Susie and Otto
Collins are spiritual and life partners from the Midwest who
are committed to helping others create outstanding relationships of
all kinds. Visit their web site at www.collinspartners.com
R. Don Steele
- is the author of How
to Date Young Women: For men over 35, How
to Date Young Women: For men over 35, Volume II,
and most recently, Body
Language Secrets and in lives
in Southern California. Check out steelballsAUDIO.COM
|
A relationship is a covenant between two people. It defines what both people are willing to do. It honestly states what each person feels s/he can give freely. It is not a call for mutual sacrifice. It must not be about what people give up to be together. It must be about what people bring willingly to each other. It must be about what they take pleasure in giving and receiving. A relationship is not about demands. Once one person begins to demand from the other, the relationship ceases to be. There is no more covenant. A covenant is not just made once for all time. It is made week by week, day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. In this moment, we are either willing or we are not. And if we are not willing to give what we promised to give, then the promise has no meaning. You cannot make someone do what s/he said s/he was going to do. Coercion is not an aspect of relationship. Coercion is a sign of lack of relationship. So what do we do when one person is unwilling? Do we say, “It’s okay. I release you from the commitment you made?" Or do we say, “I have relied on our commitment to each other. Please try to fulfill the agreement you made with me”? It seems to me that you do not want to be with a person who is unable to be committed to you, regardless of what words s/he uttered in the past. You do not want to hold onto someone in pain, or you will share in that pain. You do not want to keep someone against his or her will or you will spend your life battling that resistance. You cannot make a relationship happen. A relationship is a covenant. It is an agreement between two people about what they are willing to do. If only one person is willing, it is not a relationship. It is a form of trespass. Real love has no possibility to come into its fullness without a true and firm commitment from both people. It doesn’t happen between two skittish people. It doesn’t happen when two people keep running away from each other. It happens only when two people learn to stand together. And sometimes that is hard. Sometimes two people do not know how to stand together. Sometimes, they aren’t even sure they want to be together. This happens in every relationship. Highs become lows. Energy and interest wanes. Sex is no longer emotionally fulfilling. Talking to each other seems difficult. Within every relationship, there are moments of non-relationship. Smart couples use these moments to take time alone to reconnect with self and to recharge. They don’t end their relationship when the energy gets low. They don’t have an affair. They give each other room to breathe. It might be for an hour or two, for a day or two…perhaps even for a month or two. Each person must find ways back into Self and that means disentangling from other. Each person must find time to ask the question “Who am I now?” The answer to this question changes from time to time. That is why we must not forget to ask the question. Relationship is both a journey into intimacy with another and a journey into intimacy with Self. We forget that. We think it’s all about other, but that is not true. Indeed, if our journey into another’s heart does not take us into our own, then our progress on the path is interrupted. We need time to internalize. We need time to breathe and be alone. It is part of the cycle. We move together and apart. If we do not move apart, we cannot come back together. You can’t have a relationship with all highs and no lows. You can’t have a relationship that is all together. Every relationship must fall apart, not just once but many times. That is how it grows. That is how new intimacy is achieved. Our models of relationship don’t allow for this kind of interpersonal transformation within the context of a committed relationship. In our models, people either stay together in a frozen state, or they remain distant and uncommitted. People who stay together “no matter what” stop growing. They cannot even look at each other any more. Life energy leaves the relationship. It cannot abide the limiting patterns and structures. People who fear intimacy take a rocketship out of the relationship at the first sign of trouble. They move from lover to lover, never breaking through to the source of love, in themselves or in the other person. Some relationships have no staying power. Others have no transforming power. Real relationships require both. They require commitment to each other and freedom to be ourselves. They ask us to keep telling the truth as we move together through our sadness and pain. Successful relationships require that we have the strength to stand our ground when it is necessary and the flexibility to adapt when circumstances change. Sometimes they ask us to wait patiently. Sometimes they ask us to move forward energetically, even though we aren’t sure where we are going. No relationship is easy. Every intimate relationship tests the depth of our commitment to ourselves and others. Gradually, in the crucible of relationship, selfish love dies and is reborn as love without conditions. This transcendent, agape love that remains throughout the highs and lows of our emotional experience does not blossom all at once. It is a gradual ripening. It unfolds more deeply each time we meet our partner in the circle. Greeting and letting go, embracing and releasing: these are the tides of love. There is no heart that does not know them. The beauty of the dance reveals itself to us when we realize that the very act of letting go of our partner’s hand is an invitation to take it once again. When we meet again in the circle it will be with a greater sense of appreciation and reverence. Our hearts will be more open and welcoming. Our defensiveness will diminish and we will gaze more deeply than ever before into each other’s eyes. |
This Is What a Large Age Gap Does to Your
Relationship
According to new research, people who have partners several years their junior do indeed experience greater satisfaction in the beginning of a union than same-age couples. But the honeymoon doesn’t last forever — six to eight years at the most. Age isn’t just a number, after all, which may explain why so many celebrity May-December marriages end in divorce.
Researchers compiled 13 years’ worth of data from the Household, Income and Labor Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) survey comprised of 8,682 households with 19,914 individuals. Every year participants were resurveyed about their life satisfaction. They found that men with younger wives are the most satisfied initially, while men married to older women are the least. “Women are also particularly dissatisfied when they’re married to older husbands and particularly satisfied if they’re married to younger husbands,” says Terra McKinnish, an economics professor at the University of Colorado Boulder and a co-author of the study.
However, after six to 10 years of marriage these “big age gap” couples aren’t quite on cloud nine as satisfaction dissipates. “The people who are married to a much older or younger spouse tend to have larger declines in marital satisfaction over time as compared with those who are married to spouses who are similar in age.”
It may come as zero surprise that a potential reason for this decline in overall happiness could have to do with money. The couples with several years between them didn’t seem to handle economic shock, such as the loss of a job, quite as well as same-age couples. McKinnish believes this is because couples around the same age are more in sync about where they are in life (having children, how they spend and save, etc.), while big financial shocks could reveal underlying issues and mismatches with the age-gap couples, who didn’t have much in common in the first place.
A 2014 Emory University survey of married couples projects a similarly dismal outlook for May-December romances. According to an analysis of 3,000 married couples, the bigger the age gap between a couple, the more likely they are to split than same-age couples. For instance, couples with 10 years between them were 39 percent more likely to split than a same-age couple, while those with a 20-year gap were 95 percent more likely. Couples with a 30-year differential were pretty much doomed: 172 percent more likely to end up divorced.
While statistics don’t seem to support marriages with large
age gaps, the heart wants what it wants — and it’s unlikely
that any scientific research, no matter how convincing, will prevent
someone from falling in love with a much younger person.
Source: www.livestrong.com/article/13556224-this-is-what-a-large-age-gap-does-to-your-relationship/?utm_source=aol.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=this-is-what-a-large-age-gap-does-to-your-relationship&utm_campaign=AOL-Wellness
Men's Health Faces Backlash for 'The
Secret to Talking Sports with Women'
The piece is a fragment of an article, and it’s the lack of information and blind generalizations that make it so insulting. For the seductive sports secret, Men’s Health turned to Andrei Markovits, Ph.D. and coauthor of Sportista: Female Fandom in the United States. He reported: “Most women don’t care about stats.” Instead, apparently, “most women” would rather hear the stories behind the players.
The point? Some women love sports, adore the numbers around them,
and would rather not get into the soap opera-esque stories that
surround the players. Others might ask you to turn the game off as
soon as they walk in the door. Any article that claims to offer a
lesson for connecting with ANY woman should devote more than seven
sentences to the topic.
Source: www.makers.com/blog/mens-health-faces-backlash-secret-talking-sports-women?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl32%7Csec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D541966
(Editor's note: Two problems
here. They'll relying on probably a psychiatrist for facts and
second, Men's Health magzine, year's ago, claimed women had a
prostate. They couldn't locate this phantom organ within the female
body, however, when I asked them where it could be found. If you
depend on Men's Health magazine to be factual, don't. - Gordon
Clay)
How Men Define “Having It All”
These days, if you’re a young professional woman, you probably hear about “leaning in” just as frequently as your grandmother asks you when she can expect some great-grandchildren. We’re constantly reminded that yes, it’ll be exhausting, but you can totally “have it all.” But what does “having it all” even mean?
Apparently, that definition might depend on your gender. As part of the newly released Citi and LinkedIn Today’s Professional Woman Report, more than 1,000 professional LinkedIn members—including men, for the first time—selected what they consider “having it all” to entail in terms of career, money, marriage, and children.
Turns out, 79 percent of guys think a strong, loving marriage plays a part in having it all, whereas only 66 percent of ladies say the same. In fact, not only do fewer women than men feel that marriage is key, but the number of women who say that neither marriage nor relationships factor into their definition has nearly doubled over the past year: from five percent in 2012 to nine percent in 2013.
And when it comes to kids, 86 percent of dudes consider them part of their “having it all” definition—but for women, that number’s only 73 percent.
Do these numbers surprise you? How about the fact that men and
women have different definitions for “having it all”?
Source: www.womenshealthmag.com/life/having-it-all?utm_source=zergnet.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=zergnet_119656&cm_mmc=zergnet-_-WomensHealth-_-trafficpartner-_-HavingItAll#.
Orlando Sentinel. "In his study , Charles Waehler, author of the forthcoming book Bachelors: The Psychology of Never-Married Men found that the men share three "modes of defense" in relationships: avoidance, isolation and distortion. These single men seemed reluctant to get involved, make demands or reveal their needs in sexual relationships. Waehler found that the bachelors' defensiveness and isolation permitted interaction but bottled up emotions. They tended to be standoffish, indifferent and avoided situations where feelings could be hurt.
Note: Image behind the Lenny icon is from Ean Begg's
Myth
and Today's Consciousness.
I always thought it was an intriguing look at heterosexual women
& men.
Dear Delilah (who is Deb Levine, their "relationships"? expert.)
I'm a 22-year-old Indian girl, and I've been waiting to marry a guy whom I've loved for four years now. He's not well-established or financially secure; and since I come from a well-to-do family, my parents are asking me to break up with him. I am getting marriage proposals from rich guys, and my parents want me to choose one soon.
What should I do? I have to get married fast. Should I break up with him? If so, what should I tell him so that he doesn't retaliate and ruin my marriage? Should I go ahead and get married without telling him?
Savitry
Dear Savitry,
It sounds like you've already made your decision to marry one of the wealthy men. That's a perfectly fine decision if you've spent four years with this one guy with no sign of marriage in the future.
However, you do have to show your boyfriend some respect by breaking up with him decently. Anyone would be angry to find out that his girlfriend of four years got married without telling him!
Sit down and start a conversation with him. Tell him about your family pressure to get married and your need to move on with your life. Go over the fun parts of your relationship, but then tell him that you don't see any longevity as a couple. Apologize, and call it a day. Sure he'll be hurt, but not as hurt as if you don't tell him at all.
-- June 7, 2000
Editor: Savitry will probably get what she deserves in a marriage.
Money and not lasting love. But, that's what Delilah is recommending
to women and that what she and many other women have chosen. It's too
bad that they don't remember that when the marriage goes sour. That's
how they chose to look at love.
10 dating statistics you ought to know
To me, this 63 percent figure was a revelation. I always knew dating was a numbers game, but I'd never thought to take that saying literally. But as I continued browsing through my guy's extensive, factoid-heavy book collection, I realized that there were statistics confirming just about every dating phenomenon I'd ever experienced. So why not let the statistics guide you in your search for a lasting love? With that in mind, I put together a list of 10 factoids every single person should know:
1. 44 percent of adult Americans are single, according to U.S. Census figures. This means there are over 100 million unattached folks out there. So, if you've ever worried, "There's nobody out there for me," know that there's hope!
2. Statistically, the find-someone odds favor guys: There are 86 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women, although in some regions the gender ratio favors women, especially out West. Paradise, Nevada, a suburb 10 miles from Las Vegas, has 118 unmarried men for every 100 unmarried women. Other cities where gals got it good include Austin, Texas; Fort Lauderdale, Florida; Tempe, Arizona; and Sunnyvale and Santa Ana, California. A coincidental bonus for women thinking of relocating: All of these cities are sunny and warm.
3. The best place for single people on the prowl is New York, where 50 percent of state residents are unmarried, and Washington, D.C., where a whopping 70 percent of the population is single. The worst places are Idaho, where 60 percent of people are married; and Utah, where 59 percent of people are married.
4. Think you'll find love while perched on a barstool? Think again. Only 9 percent of women and 2 percent of men say they've found a relationship at a bar or club—blame it on the beer goggles. So if you're lonely and looking, you're better off hitting on cuties at Starbucks.
5. Got someone hot in your sights and want to reveal your interest? Fifty-one percent of people use flattery, according to the book Are You Normal About Sex, Love, and Relationships? Or, try touching them, a tactic used by 25 percent of single folk. Still another 23 percent utilize the schoolyard approach and send the word out through a friend.
6. If you're into online dating, you're hardly alone: 40 million Americans use online dating services; that's about 40 percent of our entire U.S. single-people pool. So if you haven't tried it yet, maybe it's time to dive in!
7. Profiles and photos go together great. Online, being bashful will get you nowhere. Women and men who post their photos receive more than twice as many emails as those without photos, according to a study published by economists at MIT and University of Chicago. And a Match.com survey revealed that profiles with photos had 15 times the response rate as those without. Some numbers!
8. On a date, first impressions do count: Men take only 15 minutes to decide if a woman is worth a second date. For women, the clock isn't ticking quite so fast—they ponder whether to get together again for an hour or so.
9. The number one problem for couples in America? Disagreements about money, according to a poll by the University of Denver. So, don't write off a date just because you two bickered over the dinner bill; everyone clashes over cash.
10. If you're feeling like your relationship is hitting the skids and want to bail, the painful face-to-face approach might not be necessary: An estimated 48 percent of online daters report that their breakups have happened over email. Call it rude or just plain convenient, but it happens a lot.
Meredith Broussard is the editor of an upcoming anthology, The
Encyclopedia of Exes: 26 Stories by Men of Love Gone Wrong. Her
website is www.failedrelationships.com.
Source: Meredith Broussard, msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=5288&TrackingID=516163&BannerID=558828&menuid=6
"I don't want to make her angry"
“I am afraid of her anger. I avoid confrontational things and I get silent and shut down when she gets angry. I don’t feel safe to express my wants and feelings if I think it is not what she wants. Then, I get even more distant because I am resentful.”
Do any of these ring true for you? Do you recognize them from your own relationships?
The urge to avoid an intense outburst or a “prolonged session of processing”, as one man called it, is easily understandable.
But avoiding an outburst today fuels ten outbursts tomorrow. It’s like pissing your pants on a cold winter day to get warm: extremely short-lived benefit, followed by freezing misery.
In other words, it’s detrimental to relationship.
In Chris’ example, his girlfriend probably thinks he doesn’t care about her and doesn’t have the guts or ability to see a conflict through to resolution.
Plus, in seeing him turn away from her, she’s likely to conclude that something is wrong with her.
Then there’s the impact on Chris himself.
By not expressing his feelings and wants because they might not be what SHE wants, he is dis-empowering himself. In essence, he’s telling himself, “My wants and needs are not important – they might even be bad and make her mad.”
One of the central aspects of being powerful, of being in your power, is to be able to guide yourself from the inside out. In other words, to have your “emotional center of gravity” inside yourself.
This in stark contrast to Chris’ experience of trying to guide his actions based on what he thinks SHE wants. That is, to have his center of gravity outside himself.
For any of us to be powerful men and have powerful relationships, we need to be solidly rooted in our own wants, desires, and values, while at the same time being attuned to our partner.
Here are a couple of actions you could take …
Source: loveworksforyou.com/men-lose-their-power-with-women-part-3/
You can read about Nick's adventures at his
website, 30chickflicks.com
Some men have suggested that Nick's wife, Nicci, should agree to watch 30 action flicks in 30 days. But I don't think that most action movies per se give us more than a cartoonish idea of what men are like. Yes, some action movies may be revealing or instructive about what makes men tick, but the category is too narrow. I'd include buddy movies plus anything else that reveals men's psyches. And I wouldn't limit the field to films from 2007 to today. Why leave out the really good old films?
Here, for instance, are some films I recommended in this space back in 2002 in a list called "Mentoring at the Movies":
Some of them are action movies; some, like "Training Day," are quite violent. But they all involve men relating to each other or to women or to the rest of society in rich, sometimes unpredictable ways. Here are a few more recent films I've thought of:
Uh, I seem to be on a Tom Hanks jag.
Well, you get the idea. Many movies about men show us not only as heroes or superheroes but also struggling with and occasionally triumphing over doubt, fear, reversals, and feelings of inadequacy.
But I want your ideas. What movies would you sit Nicci down and make her watch for 30 days? Not to punish her for her stunt with Nick, but to explore what you want women, or society in general, to know about us by watching movies about men?
If I get enough responses, I'll post a list. Send your ideas to menletter@aol.com
Bonus question: Have you seen any of the
Chick Flicks listed above? What did you think? Try to be brief, or at
least pithy.
Source: menletter.org
Additions from Menstuff.org
You missed the majority of a category that has some really powerful women. I've always liked strong women and here's my list of additions: mix of powerful chick flick and action guy flick.
Movies
Television
Do Fights Help a Relationship?
Can spats serve a purpose?
But like the corrections in the stock market, maybe it's healthy to experience periodic mini-meltdowns to forestall the major ones in a relationship. I started to wonder: Instead of trying so hard to be agreeable, should I have kept it more real? Should I have been less agreeable at the risk of creating some tension? I'd been dating someone for a month and all seemed to be going well, when it occurred to me that maybe I needed to provoke a fight. I'd always carefully avoided conflict in relationships, but suddenly I was excited about transforming into my own Don King.
In helping my present relationship go the distance, my challenge was trying to provoke a bout that didn't end with a breakup -- say, a one- or two-rounder. How could I "knock her down" gently enough, so that she could get back up and "knock me down" gently enough? Following this punch-counterpunch, I figured I would, in effect, just lie there, "throwing the fight." Then, like two sweaty pugilists at match's end, we'd hug and let bygones be bygones. She'd win, but we'd both really win, because I'd have helped diffuse tiny mutual hidden resentments before they'd mushroomed into deal breakers.
That, at least, was the theory.
How I started sparring
OK, I thought, so what was ever so slightly sticking in my craw? The cold truth? Nothing. Wait. The cold truth. I was onto something. Why does her opinion of the cold always have to be the truth? Whether it's my car or the apartment I've managed to live goose bump-free in all these years, according to her, "It's cold in here." But it's not where we are; it's her. She's cold!
This was good. I was getting miffed. Maybe my thermostat doesn't need adjusting. Maybe you need a little adjusting, Missy. Now I was getting too miffed. Deep breath. I was ready for her. To save our relationship, not to mention the white-out I'd need to dab over the name of another future ex on my auto-dialer, I was about to risk looking like a jerk. All towards the selfless goal of making my girlfriend slightly mad enough to secrete her relationship toxins.
I took her back to my place and waited for things to hit the fan -- my trusty accomplice literally and dutifully whirring in her direction.
"It's cold in here," she said the second she saw the fan. Ding! The round one bell went off in my head.
"Not necessarily," I countered. Nice jab. The crowd in my head was cheering.
"Why is the fan on?" she prodded.
I kept on my toes, and delivered a sudden "Why wouldn't it be?" Silence. Had I grazed her? Apparently not. She returned with a calm retort: "It's cold in here." I had to shake up this fight before the crowd in my head began heading for their cars. I sensed my opening. I tossed her a quick, "Maybe it's cold," pointed at her featherweight frame and laid my figurative glove on her with full force, "in there." That's it. Whatever she could muster in return, I was ready to take a dive and end this thing. And then... she shivered. And asked for a sweater. Below the belt! Where's a ref when you need one? The jacket I draped over her could have included an embroidered "Champ." Maybe I could train for a rematch.
She stages a comeback...
The rematch occurred the next day, after I picked up the phone in work mode, and she remarked, with a hint of disdain, "You sound busy." I was. At first, I reverted to my old ways -- I went overboard trying to sound un-busy enough to put her first. But our extended conversation was about to make me even busier in making up for lost time after I hung up. That's when I applied my hard-fought lesson about keeping it real and admitted, "Actually, I am kind of busy." Ding!
"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Nice return.
"I didn't know how to say it, without sounding rude." Decent block.
"Evidently," she noted, with a touch of sarcasm.
And then... she apologized for making a big deal out of nothing. In effect, she was throwing the "fight!" Embroidered jacket, your new champion awaits!
As for Mr. Whatever You Say, Dear, he's retired (if not undefeated). Now that my partner has had a few tangles with the new less-than-subservient me, maybe she won't be as surprised the next time he enters the ring. Call it the good fight that keeps things from getting really chilly.
Scoring the match
By our next date, the vibe between us actually felt warmer. When a bond becomes strong enough to withstand the expression of honest feelings, it can help make the fight to respect those feelings worth winning. That's one added punch that won't hurt any relationship.
Source: Andy Cowan is an L.A.-based writer,
producer and performer. His credits include Cheers, Seinfeld and 3rd
Rock From the Sun.
Surviving Your First Big Fight
"I tell couples that their first big fight is actually the real beginning of an intimate love affair," says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness. "Until you face -- and resolve -- your first major feelings of disappointment, you have an untested relationship that hasn't yet had to develop real depth." In other words, a little disagreeing might actually bring you closer. But that's predicated on handling it like two mature adults.
"Given enough time, every partner will do things to disappoint or hurt you... none of us is perfect," says Dr. Neuharth. "What matters is not that fights happen... it's how you negotiate and repair them that's the secret to a long, healthy, passionate relationship."
With that in mind, check out these hints for surmounting your first squabble (so you can get to your first make-up session faster).
Don't name-call or finger-point
Think twice before blurting out "You're being a complete idiot" or "This is all your fault" the minute things get heated. Why? Because even if it's true, placing the blame squarely on your partner's shoulders won't resolve the fight. Instead, your sweetie's defenses will be triggered and communication will likely be cut off. "Nothing escalates a fight faster than responding at a purely emotional level. It leads to a test of wills and boils down to who's right, not what's really wrong," says Jennifer Komitee, 34, New York, NY.
And if this is how you two start your fighting dynamic, it doesn't bode well for arguments down the road. "The more your fight contains things like name-calling, getting personal and blaming -- instead of listening -- the more challenges you will have facing the inevitable disagreements that arise naturally when you're part of a couple," says Dr. Neuharth.
Keep absolutes out of the conversation
Words like "always" and "never" don't belong in a first fight, and the minute you introduce them into the conversation you risk polarizing yourselves. "You never listen to me" or "You always put me last" may be what you're thinking, but chances are, it's not "always" the case. In fact, there were likely more than a few times in those first glorious months when your honey was hanging on your every word and skipping important work or family events to be with you. So give the absolutes a rest. You haven't been together long enough to pass universal judgments.
Use "I" messages
"If you find yourself starting many of your sentences with 'you,' your partner will probably get defensive or attack back," says Dr. Neuharth. "Instead focus on your own feelings, needs and desires." Try saying, "It would really mean a lot to me if you got to know my friends," or "I feel hurt when you cancelled our plans at the last minute." This kind of phrasing is especially important in a first fight because you're still learning about each other and you need to let your partner know what you hope to get from the relationship.
Take a brief time-out
Sometimes the best thing you can do in a first fight is to take a moment (or longer) to cool off and collect your thoughts. "I know I have the tendency to get a little out of control when pushed too far, so in my first fight with my now-fiancé, I removed myself from the situation by taking a 45-minute shower," says Diane Cornell, 27, New York, NY. "I not only came out really clean, but also in a much better place to discuss the issue like a mature, aware woman rather than an emotionally reactive girl."
A good separation tactic, advises Dr. Neuharth, is to say, "I see we both feel strongly about this and I value your opinion, but I think I need a little break. How about we stop talking for 10 minutes (or 30 minutes, an hour) and then reconvene?" One caveat: If you agree to a fight hiatus, you must come back and talk about it again after the time-out is up! "Don't just sweep it under the rug," warns Dr. Neuharth or the issue will be 10 times worse when it resurfaces... and it will resurface.
Fight together, not against each other
Arguments are adversarial by nature, but the more you can work towards a solution together, the better the survival chances of your budding relationship. One helpful technique in a first fight can be to actually call out what's happening. "As soon as one of you realizes you're in a fight, say something like 'Hey, I think we're having our first fight,'" says Sam Hamburg, Ph.D., author of Will Our Love Last? "Then go somewhere, sit down across from one another and take turns talking... you can even time it so you alternate back and forth, each getting one uninterrupted minute at a time."
Dr. Neuharth also suggests offering comments like, "What are your thoughts about this problem?" or "How do you think we can work together to fix this?" Inviting discussion and joint problem-solving can help you stop fighting and start solving.
Focus specifically on the issue at hand
When you're first learning how to fight as a couple, it's important to try and resolve one issue at a time, not turn this single incident into a what's-wrong-with-our-relationship free-for-all. "Describe what your partner did as specifically as possible rather than painting it as a character issue," says Dr. Neuharth. In other words, "You took away the remote without asking me and changed the channel" is much different than "You are so self-centered and selfish." And don't drag in other grievances that have nothing to do with this fight (i.e., shifting from the remote control to how your honey is almost always a little late for dates). You don't want this one issue escalating into an all-out war.
Don't take this as a sign to end the relationship
You may suddenly find yourself thinking mid-fight, This isn't worth it... it's over, but making a decision about your budding relationship at this volatile moment is a bad idea. "When a couple has its first fight, partners may feel dismayed, shocked, betrayed, afraid, sad, angry -- or even that all bets are off in the relationship," says Dr. Neuharth. Why such a strong reaction? Because the fight has shattered the illusion of perfect harmony you had up until now. Rather than throw in the towel, recognize that this is a learning opportunity, not a matter of win-lose survival, says Dr. Neuharth. Chances are you'll get through this... and many more fights down the road.
So follow these tips, and move onto the making-up process.
Should You Stay? Good Question.
Similarly, knowing when to move on in a relationship is never an easy choice, especially when a couple seems to be putt-putting along to nowhere. But something is making you ask the question. And you know what? That's worth exploring.
In fact, Dr. Jeanette Witter, a clinical psychologist, suggests that to get to your answer, keep the questions coming. Ponder these:
You might be thinking, if all these questions are necessary, shouldn't I be packing my bags anyway? Our expert says it's OK to take stock of what you have.
"People aren't mind readers," Witter says. "Clarifying where you are is an important part of growing in a relationship."
But there's a caveat to asking all these questions, she says.
"You have to be able to face the answers, hear what the person says, and try not to be defensive about it. And be as honest as possible about what you express to the other person."
Source: Stacy Gilliam is an award-winning
freelance journalist living, working and loving in Washington, D.C.
personals.aol.com/articles/2008/12/22/do-fights-help-a-relationship/?icid=200100397x1215872363x1201073691
Men Love Just as
Powerfully as Women
These data paint a different portrait of men than do America’s chattering class.
Men are just about as eager to marry as women.Men aren’t “players” either. Men are just as eager to find a partner; indeed, men find loneliness just as stressful.
Men are far less picky in their search. Women are the picky gender.
Men fall in love faster too — perhaps because they are more visual.
Men experience love at first sight more regularly; and men fall in love just as often.
Men are faster to introduce their new partner to friends and parents, more eager to kiss in public, and want to “live together” sooner.
Men have more intimate conversations with their wives than women do with their husbands, because women have many of their intimate conversations with their girlfriends.
Men are just as likely to believe you can stay married to the same person forever.
Men are 2.5 times more likely to kill themselves after a break up.
Women seek more independence when in a committed relationship; want more personal space; are less eager to share their bank account; are more eager to have “girls night out;” and are more likely to want to vacation with their female buddies.
Both men and women “must have” a partner whom they can
trust, someone in whom they can confide, and someone who treats them
with respect. These three requirements top the list for both genders
in all years. Marriage has changed more in the last 50 years than in
the last 10,000. Men, like women, are now turning away from
traditional family customs, instead seeking companionship and
self-fulfillment.
Source: By Helen Fisher — Originally published
in "Edge — 2013 : What "Should" We Be Worried About?
Helen E. Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist, is a Research
Professor in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University.
She has written five books on the evolution and future of human
sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the
brain, the chemistry of romantic love, and most recently, human
personality types, and why we fall in love with one person rather
than another. In her newest work, she reports on four
biologically-based personality types, and using data on 28,000 people
collected on the dating site Chemistry.com, she explores who you are
and why you are chemically drawn to some types more than others.
1:19Perfect Age Gap For Couples: 4 Years and 4
Months
Relationships are good for your
health
Men and Women ... Both
From Mars?
Bristol, VA
Franklin, VA
Pulaski County, GA
Monroe County, WV
Randolph County, GA
If you're a single woman looking for a single man, Alaska is still a gold mine. However, our study only covreed counties in the continedntal United States.
Chattahoochee County, GA
Union County, FL
Jones County, TX
DeKalb County, MO
Crowley County, CO
Our rankings are based on the combined numbers of single, divorced
and widowed, compared to the numbers of single, divorced and widowed
women. The statistics are drawn from the 2000 Census.
Finding a Mate Who Looks Like You
Single? Where to Look for a
Mate
When Differences Make a
Difference
Is Your Relationship In Trouble?
Understanding Your Partner's
Feelings
Test Your Own Marriage
Satisfaction
Friendship: It's a Special
Relationship
Men - Study: Looks, Heart Tops For
Single Women
Why won't he stop and ask for directions?
You've all been there. "There" being nowhere near where you are supposed to be because the Magellan wannabe behind the steering wheel would rather drive around in circles, cursing at street signs for hours, than pull into a gas station and ask for help. But his resistance isn't merely macho - it comes from a primal, evolutionary place, explains Allan Pease, coauthor of Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps. "Men had to rely on spatial skills to survive - they needed to know where to throw the spear to hit the zebra running at high speeds. They also needed to remember how to get back home with the meat. So to have to stop and ask for directions is to admit you've failed at your number one evolutionary task!"
In other words, our big, fat egos are at stake -- even if the task at hand isn't exactly life-and-death. "If Columbus could find America, I feel like I should be able to find my niece's third-birthday party," says Rich, 35, a geologist from Miller Place, NY.
Why is he obsessed with the Discovery Channel?
Flip to the Discovery Channel at any given moment and you'll see people blowing things up, animals eating each other or men with ridiculous mustaches riding around on motorcycles. It's everything we wish we were doing instead of working from 9 to 5 every day (besides the getting-eaten-by-a-wild-jackal part).
Why does he love quickies so much?
It's simple mathematics. Dudes experience spontaneous sexual hunger about twice as often as women, according to a study conducted at Oxford University. Add to that the fact that 30 percent of men experience premature ejaculation at some point in our lives, and you've got an equation for a quickie. Nick, 31, an actor from Braintree, MA, has a somewhat less scientific explanation for the male proclivity for fast-and-furious love: "More pleasure, less effort," he says. "It's like my favorite beer - tastes great, less filling."
Why can't he be bothered to wrap a present?
So we think the store bag counts as wrapping paper. It's not because we're uncaring jackasses. As evidenced by many a single guy's apartment, where a $2,000 TV set can coexist happily with a coffee table fashioned from a cardboard box, attention to detail often eludes us. We see the big picture -- i.e., the gift -- but little finishing details like bows and ribbons seem superfluous and inconsequential.
And believe it or not, there is actually a lot of loving thought that goes into the lack of shiny paper and Scotch tape. "When I've bought my girlfriend something expensive from a fancy store, I want her to know that it's the real deal and not some knockoff I bought on the street," says Jimmy, 32, from Bowling Green, OH. "Giving it to her in the store bag proves it." And, really, isn't a pretty blue Tiffany shopping bag nicer to look at than something wrapped in three-year-old Christmas paper and duct tape?
Why can't he throw out those junky T-shirts from college?
No, we don't think armpit-stained Guns N' Roses concert tees are the must-have item this fall. Two impulses make us hold onto those old shirts until they fall off our bodies: One is -- yes -- sentimentality. "This is where men and women are alike," says Nick. "This is the X in our XY chromosomes. Whenever I put certain old shirts on, I can't help but remember a game of touch football or the first hike I went on with my fiance while I was wearing that shirt." The other reason we can't part with our tees is that guys are, well, kinda lazy. Throwing something out requires effort -- and replacing it requires one of the most dreaded activities in a man's life: going to the mall. If it's comfortable and covers our torso to a reasonable degree, both our hearts and our shopping phobia will have us holding onto it for dear life.
Why does he call his friends by rude nicknames?
Your husband is on the phone with one of his buddies and just referred to him by a funny but foul name. Are they in the middle of a fight? Just the opposite, says Austin, 31, from New Orleans: "Only someone who loved us would say something that harsh to our face." Allan Pease explains, "Giving friends nicknames shows an emotional connection, but the filthy humor prevents it from being too emotional, which makes men uncomfortable."
Why does he suck at chitchatting on the phone?
It's all about hormones, says relationship expert John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. "Oxytocin, a hormone that reduces stress in women, is stimulated through communicating and collaborating. For men, testosterone reduces stress - and it's stimulated through solving problems and competition. Chitchatting is basically the opposite of accomplishing anything. It can actually lower a guy's testosterone levels, and he'll start feeling uncomfortable and bored."
Why must he repack the car when you fit everything in fine?
Whether you are loading Costco loot for the short ride home or shoving suitcases in the trunk for a cross-country trek, there is one thing you can be sure of: Whichever way you cram everything in will be "all wrong." Why do guys insist that they're expert packers? "Well, typically a man is better at packing the car," laughs Gray. (Yeah, we men stick together like that.) "Most research reveals that men have a much more developed sense of spatial perception, which is what makes a person good at arranging things." And don't be fooled by those moans and complaints he makes about having to redo your alleged packing disaster. "We love the challenge," admits Nels, 34, a writer from Savannah. "It's like a life-size game of Tetris."
Why does he always think it is 20 degrees hotter than it really is?
Some experts say men have a higher internal temperature. Others say that more body hair = warmer bodies. Whatever the reason, all guys agree: If you need to pile seven blankets on the bed every time the temperature dips below 68 degrees, keep them on your side of the bed!
Why does he have a garage filled with power tools he never uses?
Guys are born to love gizmos - literally. In a study of newborns who were given the choice of looking at a human face or a mobile, the majority of boy babies were more interested in looking at the whirling, twirling thingy than the adoring person making goo-goo faces. (Baby girls, conversely, preferred human interaction. Weirdos.) In addition to this apparently instinctive love of things that spin and buzz at the push of a button, many guys experience a kind of nostalgia when perusing the Black and Decker aisle at Sears. "It's often his attempt to live the fantasy of being the Man of the House," says Pat Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth About Love. We grew up seeing our dads and grandpas running around with hammers and monkey wrenches fixing (or making worse) whatever ailed the house. We want to be just like them, not some 21st-century wienie who's afraid to chip a nail. Having the tools on hand at least gives us the illusion of competence.
Why doesn't he want to talk about his day when he gets home?
"I just want to leave all the annoying crap of the day behind me and think about nothing for a while," says Jim, 31, a father of two from Beacon, NY. At the end of the day, men are tired of thinking, and, more important, we're tired of talking. "Studies show that women use 8,000 to 9,000 words a day. Men use 2,000 to 4,000 words a day on average," explains communication expert Allan Pease. "By the time they come home from work, they've used up their words. And women have 5,000 left to go."
Why can he remember the score of a baseball game played 10 years ago, but forgets his own mother's birthday?
Sixty percent of men forget birthdays and anniversaries, compared with only 16 percent of women, according to one British survey. Are all guys idiots? (Don't answer that!) "Birthdays and anniversaries are linked to emotional events, which brain-imaging studies show that the male mind doesn't respond to as much as the female mind does," says Pease. On the other hand, as we've already seen, testosterone is what really soothes the male soul, and watching or competing in sports is one of the primary things that gets it pumping. "You hold onto those scores and memories because they make you feel good," John Gray notes.
Why does he get jealous about a boyfriend from seventh grade?
Bringing up an old flame, no matter how innocently, is a sure way to ignite the fires of jealousy in your guy's heart. Men, you may have noticed, can be incredibly competitive, and as Pat Love notes, "Talking about an old boyfriend makes him feel powerless. He's thinking, 'How can I compete with a memory?'" He can attempt to outwit - or, in the worst-case scenario, punch out - some guy he thinks is flirting with you at a bar, but there is nothing he can do about little Johnny Smith, who held hands with you on that field trip to the natural history museum. Man, we hate that guy.
What's up with all the lesbian fantasies?
"Two words: No penises," says Jimmy. Truth is, in the pantheon of
ridiculous sex fantasies floating around the male mind, one scenario
reigns over all others: stumbling upon two women going at it hot and
heavy, and being asked to join in the fun. And watching two porn
actresses experience orgasm after orgasm with each other (they
wouldn't fake it, right?) is the closest 99.9 percent of men not
named Hugh Hefner or Dirk Diggler will ever get to living that
fantasy.
Source: By Dan Bova, lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/Dating/Articleiv2.aspx?cp-documentid=299664
Free Presentation Reveals: How to Turn Even the Biggest Romantic
Numbskull into “Prince Charming” Just by Pushing a Few
Buttons on Your Cell Phone. This is a program called "Text
the romance back 2.0"
This is a 20 minute presentation with a 12 minute post-sell if you
want more information. It's primarily directed to women but we are
presenting it here because we think men can learn from it and it
might reduce the complaints and judgements your woman directs at
you.
What age women are looking for in the Bay
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What the 'Perfect' Female Body Looks Like
Around the World (PHOTOS)
From Marilyn Monroe to Jennifer Aniston, celebs and models -- and
magazine editors and fashion designers, of course -- have set beauty
standards for American women. But what we've perceived as
aspirational isn't necessarily what our sisters in other countries
believe to be their ideal. Hence why a new study strove to illustrate
various
perceptions of beauty all over the world
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For the imges, go to onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/perceptions-of-perfection/?utm_source=affiliatewindow&utm_medium=affiliate
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As you can see, our designers’ changes made some of these images almost unrecognisable compared with the original photo. While some remained largely similar with the exception of slight slimming, others resemble a new woman altogether. Drastic changes in hair color, attire, and waist-to-hip ratio were common. Some designers in North, South, and Central American countries produced an exaggerated hourglass figure; others in European and Asian nations chose to render her so thin that her estimated BMI, according to a survey we conducted (described below), would fall under or dangerously close to 17.5. According to the NHS, “Adults with anorexia generally have a BMI below 17.5.”
Given the wide range of body sizes submitted, we wondered what these women might actually weigh in the real world. We ran a brief survey with a 35-person sample and, assuming a height of 165 centimeters, asked participants to guess the weight of the woman in each Photoshopped image. We then calculated her BMI based on average weight data.
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China and Italy had the thinnest submissions, weighing in at an estimated 7.28 and 7.71 stones respectively. Spain had the heaviest submission at 10.93 stones, while China had the lightest (7.28 stones), which translates to an estimated BMI of 17. As noted above, according to the NHS, this qualifies as anorexic.
Study Details
Superdrug Online Doctors commissioned us (Fractl) to investigate perceptions of beauty around the world.
We contracted with 18 freelance designers and gave them the following general instructions:
Photoshop her form. The idea is to Photoshop and retouch this woman to make her more attractive to the citizens of your country. We are looking to explore how perceptions of beauty change across the world. Multiple designers are involved. You can modify clothing, but her form must be visible. No nudity. All other changes, including those to her shape and form, are up to you.
We focused on female designers, as we wanted a woman’s view of what her culture finds attractive and to understand more about the pressures they face. However, in order to get entries from more countries, we accepted contributions from four men with the caveat that they first seek input from women and base their design changes on this feedback.
We used three designers from international locales with whom we were already acquainted, but most of the artists featured were contracted via freelance job boards. We attempted to get as wide a spread as possible across the world, but many countries are poorly represented on these job boards, particularly when it comes to female designers. We also had issues finding interested artists in some countries due to the amount of skin shown on the model.
Designers Across the Globe
Since what is perceived as beautiful can vary substantially around the world, our study of the ideal body image attempted to compare as diverse opinions as possible. We located designers from 18 nations spanning five continents, including North America, South America, Europe, Africa, and Asia.
Beauty and the Beholder’s Eye
“Beauty cannot be judged objectively, for what one person finds beautiful or admirable may not appeal to another,” so says the dictionary. And the range of depictions found in our study appears to confirm this notion.
While beauty can come in many forms, and we suspect that people will forever chase these assorted ideals of perfection, Superdrug Online Doctor commissioned this study to explore how such ideals vary across borders.
If you liked this study but wished we had taken a different angle or perspective, check back as we are planning follow-ups on both male and female beauty.
Fair Use
We grant permission to repost the images found on this page. When
doing so, we ask that you kindly attribute by linking to
onlinedoctor.superdrug.com and this page so your readers can learn
more about the project and its methodology.
Source: onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/perceptions-of-perfection/?utm_source=affiliatewindow&utm_medium=affiliate
Understanding is a two-way street.
Instead of always harping on a man's faults, tell him of his virtures. Try to pull him out of his rut of bad habits. Hold up to him his better self, his real self that can dare and do and win out. - Eleanor H. Porter, 1868-1920
There is only one sex...A man and a woman are so entirely the same thing that one can scarely understand the subtle reasons for sex distinction with which our minds are filled. - George Sand
Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are... Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taught, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return. -- Mary Jean Iron
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”
Someone's therapist knows all about you.
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