Expert Dating Advice Archive   Nancy Fagan-Murphy is the best-selling author of 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Romance' and 'Desirable Men: How to Find Them' has appeared on several hundred radio and television shows including Ricki Lake, Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, ABC News, NBC News, CBS News, The Berman & Berman Show, FOX News. She has been featured in most major newspaper in the United States and worldwide as well as regularly mentioned in the nation's top magazines such as Ladies' Home Journal ('Can this Marriage be Saved?'), Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Men's Health, Bride's, Seventeen, Women's Day, Family Circle, Women's Own, BBW, Complete Women and dozens of others. To read more, visit www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com This column is reprinted with permission from eMail, 11622 El Camino Real, Suite 100, San Diego, CA 92130 (in Carmel Valley) or 858-764-2545 Am I Being Used? An Affair of the Heart, Mind, and Soul Aroused by Smells Average Size Penis Avoid Him/Her or Not? A Book in the Hand for the Courting Blocks to Listening Break the Pattern of Abusive Men Break the Pattern of Abusive Women Bringing Romantic Fantasies to life Creating the Greatest Love Story Ever A Cure for Impotence Dating: Know the Mood Dealing with Shyness Fairy-tale Relationship Find Her Faults Before It's Too Late Find His Faults Five Turnoffs The Food Quiz Fragrances and Temporary Insanity Getting Past Sexual Shyness He Got Her Pregnant Honey, Darling, Sweetie Pie How Can I Keep His Interest? How Do I Keep a Man from Leaving Me? Is a Breakup Near? I Saw Him Masturbating The Kama Sutra Shows You How The Kiss Goodnight Let's Meet There Lonely in a Relationship The Magic of Three Little Words Making Your Relationship a Fairy-Tale Marriage Material Must for Better Sex My First and Last One Night Stand My Fits Drove Him Away Proof of Love Romance and Pitter Patter: A Successful Mix Romantic Do's Spices with Perking Power Stand by My Man? Strange Sexual Practices Turn a Woman on with Fantasies Uniquely Yours: Wedding Vows Using Music to Draw Out Romance Why Do I Need Clitoral Stimulation? Why is Romance Important Will You Marry Me? Woman Have Fantasies Too You Have A Message Your Partner’s Choices Reveal Inner Thoughts Other Relationship Issues, Books Fragrances and Temporary Insanity The sense of smell has a powerful impact on romance. The effect is so strong that research has proven that our sense of smell gives us the ablility to choose partners who are geneticlally compatible. So nature's way of keeping the human race going is based to some degree on the way someone smells to us. All that happens is that we are attracted to some people's smells and turned off by others. Appealing to the sense of smell doesn't stop here. Scents can also be used to heighten arousal and emotions in your partner. The most common use of fragrances in romance is through aromatherapy using essential oils. Essential oils can be used in different ways: massaged into the skin, inhaled through the air (candles, incense), added to the bath, dabbed on your pillow, or heated in a diffuser. Essential oils are potent, and just a few drops are needed per use. To make your first aromatic experience simple, use just one oil. The following list of essential oils below is a good place to start: Benzoin-Vanilla smell. Combats lonliness and anxiety, relaxes, invigorates. Cardamom-Ginger smell. Enhances sex. Lemon-Lemon smell. Helps to manage stress, relieves anxiety, tension, and mental fatigue. Rose-Rose smell. Stimulates sexual feelings for women. Proof of Love Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We have been living together for 11 months. I am really more in love with him everyday, but being the insecure female I am, I would like to know how I can test if he loves me as much as he says he does? Could you help me with a few tips, signs, and so on? A: Your growing love sounds more like increasing vulnerability and fear of losing him. As far as how much he loves you—his actions overwhelmingly demonstrate it—he’s been with you for five years and deepened his commitment to you by living together with you. If you start to demand proof of his love, you will drive him right out of your life. When that happens, it will have nothing to do with his lack of love for you, but how little YOU love yourself. The fact that you need to test his love has nothing to do with him, but with you. This is a BIG sign of insecurity within yourself, about yourself, how little you value yourself, and your lack of feelings of self-worth. Until you can love yourself, you will never be able to believe that someone loves you—regardless of what they do or say. Start a plan of self-discovery and development. As you grow as a person, so will your self-esteem and self worth, followed by your belief that others love you as much as you need to be loved. Why is Romance Important? Q. I've never been a romantic kind of guy and I'm tired of my girlfriend get angry with me because I'm not. Is it possible to be romantic when I don't see the value in it? A: People ask me all the time why romance is important. It’s important because it’s the only way to show your partner you care. It is not about the cost of a gift or the magnitude of a gesture, but expressing your love to your partner on a regular basis. The secret to being romantic is two-fold. You need to have both desire and opportunity. When you have desire, you will create the opportunity for romance. If you don’t, your relationship will die. Part of learning how to keep a relationship happy is to learn to identify early warning signs of trouble. This way, you and your partner can repair the damage before the problem becomes worse. In romantic relationships, one of the first signs of trouble is a decrease in romance. This does not mean that once romance begins to wane, your relationship is on the rocks. It simply is gauge for you to keep your eye on. If you notice definite cutbacks in romance, let it be a signal that you need to add more romantic gestures to your relationship. Increasing romance will create a surge of positive energy in the relationship. Dating: Know the Mood What you choose to do on a date sets a certain mood. These different moods are what give dating such variety. One of the first steps in date planning is to decide what you are in the mood for, emotionally speaking. If you've had a stressful week, for example, think of what kind of evening will make you feel better. If you need a laugh, your date could be dinner and a show at a comedy club. Of course, you'll want to consider your partner's mood, too. Instead of asking what your partner would like to do, ask your partner what kind of emotional state he or she is in. Dating is for both partners; if both feel their needs are being considered, the time together will be more enjoyable. Decide what kind of mood you need for your date and then plan accordingly. The following list describes some moods you may be in. Next to each mood, write some date ideas that meet each mood for you. Have your partner do the same. Mood of Date Type of Activity to Meet Mood Relaxing? . Exciting? . Adventurous? . Elegant? . Sexy? . Intellectual? . Romantic? . Other? . When you understand what kind of date will meet your needs and your partner's, figuring out what to do is much easier. If you partner tells you she feels like doing something elegant, you'll know what date ideas will satisfy that need of hers. Remember, dating is meant to be enjoyable so if you have the least bit of hesitation or dread for a date, then you need to consider changing the mood (or your date!) I Saw Him Masturbating Q: Recently I saw my boyfriend masturbating to pornography while he was in the bathtub. He had no idea that I saw him and now I'm worried that he prefers pornography to me. Do you think I should say something to him about this? A: There is no reason for you to 'talk' to your boyfriend about what you saw. It's common for men to use fantasy, of various kinds, for sexually stimulation during masturbation. A pornographic magazine is one form of fantasy. Some men prefer reading erotic stories, while others enjoy watching X-rated movies. Regardless of the type, the purpose is usually the same—to relieve sexual tension. The act of solo-sex meets certain needs that partner-sex doesn’t—it’s a sexual experience when performance is not an issue. Instead, it is a time for a man to release sexual tension without having to be a good lover to anyone else but himself. So, don't give it a second thought, this, in no way, will decrease his sexual interest in you. If it does, then you have something to be concerned about. The Food Quiz You can tell a lot about a couple by watching them eat a meal. For people who are very close, a meal is an occasion to connect. Take the following quiz to find out how you and your partner fare: 1. When you are out to dinner with your partner, you: a. Share food by feeding your partner with your fork. b. Feed your partner with your fingers. c. Let your partner dip his fork in your food and take a bite. d. Don't share food with your partner. 2. If a little sauce is on your partner's mouth during dinner, you: a. Wipe off your partner's face with your napkin. b. Tell your partner he has sauce on his mouth and lick his face seductively. c. Verbally tease your partner that you will use your tongue to lick off the sauce, but don't actually do it. d. Don't say a word because you know he'll eventually wipe it off.   3. After dinner, when it's time for desert, do you: a. Share one desert using two forks, possibly feeding your partner one bite off your fork. b. Use one fork to feed each other passionately. c. Maybe have just a bite of your partner's dessert but order a cappuccino and enjoy his company and more conversation. d. Skip desert and head home because you're out of things to say to each other or you have things to do at home. Scoring this test is very simple. All you have to do is count up how many a's, b's, c's, and d's you have. The category with the most like letters is the one that your relationship falls into. Mostly A's: New Love If most of your answers fell into this category, then your relationship is still in the early stages of blossoming love. It's like a new flower; it's fresh, beautiful, untainted, and yearning to be picked. Meals are a reason to spend time together. They are a chance to be physically and conversationally close to each other. This is also a time when you are on your best behavior and a little uncertain of the commitment. Eating a meal together is done more in an innocent manner rather than acting out lustful impulses to demonstrate your affection for your partner. Basically, each partner sticks to his own plate and holds hands through the meal or shares a light kiss or two at the most. Mostly B's: Lustful Love This category is what poets write about and artists paint. It's the passionate core of love. You move into this stage when you begin to feel confident that your romantic feelings are mutual. This is the time when you want to devour every aspect of your partner: his words, his meals, his touch, his soul, his mind, everything. This is when you experience an inability to concentrate, sleep, or eat. It's when you feel that you can't be away from each other for more than a minute. Eating takes on a sensuousness as you hand-feed your partner, clean his fingers with your tongue, and use food more as finger paint than a consumable item. Mostly C's: Comfortable Love This category is the ideal category, so be happy if you are here. You and your partner have a close, strong bond to each other. After moving past category B, you eat because you're hungry. The two of you are still playful with each other, but it isn't as blatantly sexual as before. Now you are more aware of your surroundings, so you are more careful about your suggestiveness. At the table, you still sit close, but not so close that it restricts you from your eating. Mostly D's: Red Alert Love If your quiz score landed you in this category, then you should be concerned. The closeness you once felt for your partner just isn't there anymore. During meals, you don't touch each other, you don't share food, and the conversation has died down. Dining together is no longer a bonding experience, but a time to fill your stomach because it's hungry. In the process, you are neglecting to feed your love. The only way to get out of this category is to include the behaviors specified in the C choices. Don't lose hope if you didn't score as high as you would like to. This is not a pass-fail exam, it's more of a practice test for your real-life relationship. And guess what? You've lucked out, because this book contains the study material to help you pass the test with your partner. Why Do I Need Clitoral Stimulation? Q: Am I unusual or what? I seem to be the only woman I know who needs direct clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm. A: According to studies published in the Kinsey Institute Report, it was reported that almost all women, unlike men, need direct or indirect clitoral stimulation in order to climax. Very few lucky women—about five percent—say they can climax through penetration alone, by having their breasts played with, crossing their legs and squeezing their thighs, or even by fantasizing. So you see, you're experience is the norm. In addition, the Kinsey Institute reported that it takes a man, on average, only three minutes to climax while women peak after 15 long minutes! The difference is based on simple anatomy. Imagine how much faster it would be for a woman to climax if her clitoris received as much direct stimulation during sex as a man's penis? Some things just aren't fair and this is one of them. My First and Last One Night Stand Q. I took off a full year from the single’s scene to get myself together after a break up with a man I was deeply in love with. To jumpstart the process, I went to a club last week and met a wonderful man. We really connected and I ended up going home with him that night. Now I regret that decision because he hasn't called me. A. Regardless of how strong of a 'connection' you have with someone new, it's ALWAYS a mistake to sleep together the first night you meet. Surveys have shown that men who believe there is potential for a long-term relationship with a woman will avoid having sex with her too soon. On the other hand, men who push for sex up front, don’t usually value the woman for more than what she offers sexually. Unfortunately, you've learned a painful lesson. In this case, regardless of how genuine his interest may have seemed, his real intentions weren't! Weeding out the 'relationship-potential” men from those who aren't is a difficult part of dating. For this very reason, it’s best to delay sexual intimacy until a relationship develops, despite the level of sexual chemistry two people feel for each other. Playing it safe may be a conservative approach, but the best one for your heart and Romantic Do's Women want romance from the men in their life. Men want sex, and to get it they've discovered they're supposed to be romantic, but they don't know how. Women think romance should be a surprise, a spontaneous unexpected gesture, so they can't tell their man exactly how to be romantic. To add to the confusion of romance, many people believe that they're either romantic or they're not, as if being romantic is innate, a quality that you're born with. Nothing could be further from the truth. You can learn to be romantic. To help, below is a list of romantic "do's." By adding one of them to your relationship, you will find an instant spark of romance. The more you add, the hotter your chemistry will be. Romantic Do's Say "I love you" when it isn't expected; Make your partner number one; Give without expecting anything in return; Send your partner love notes; Passionately kissing in public; Want, not have to be romantic; Have a sense of adventure; Take the initiative in romance; and Listen well, ask questions, and be interested in your partner. Fairy-tale Relationship Fairy tales have become a part of our image of what romance is supposed to be like. This image not only deceives women, but also men. One of the definitions of the term "fairy tale" in Webster's is "a made-up story, usually designed to mislead." On one hand, everyone knows that fairy-tale romances are make-believe. On the other hand, fairy tales inspire us to believe in happy love stories. For this fact alone, they have given us something we need for building our own love affair: hope. Many people have lost hope, and it's time to get it back. Modeling Love on Fairy-Tales Some people think that fairy tales create a false image for a real partner to live up to. The next time you read a fairy tale about a love affair, look to see the characteristics that form the foundation of these stories. What you will find are characteristics such as the following: Looking for unconditional love Wanting to be loved by someone Seeking understanding Looking to be accepted by another These stories also show that life is happier with someone as opposed to being without someone. What they show is the humanness in having a mate. People innately gravitate to others for a sense of completeness. We are relational beings, with a need to relate to others. In a fairy tale, these themes are conveyed simply in a fantastical setting. In fact, fairy tales serve as wonderful models to use when deciding on what you want in your relationship. Regaining a Belief in Fairy-Tales How can we make romance just as magical as it is in the fairy tales? All you have to do is create your own love story, the greatest love story ever known. This means cherishing the one you love as though he were a prince or she were a princess. It means making your relationship a priority by including romance as one of its basic ingredients. An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but a kiss a day keeps others away. Stand by My Man? Q: When I met Mark six years ago he was married (he still is). Today we share a four-year-old daughter. Out of the blue he disappeared and after two weeks of searching, I found out he was in jail. He didn't contact me because he wanted to let me know. I am a born again Christian and I believe people can change and deserve a second changed. He says he loves us and promises to help me out when he is released (Nov. 2004). Am I wrong for wanting to wait for him? A: Love makes people do things that they regret later on. Wanting to wait for him is a natural thing--it's your love speaking. However, it's also an irrational thought. Being in love, it's natural to make excuses or accept his excuses for his unacceptable behaviors. The hardest thing to do is to see him for who is--a cheater, liar, and disrespectful man with a criminal history. If you keep him in your life, he will eventually treat you the way he currently treats his current wife--poorly with disrespect and an inability to honor his vows. If this is the behavior you desire in a partner, then by all means, stand by your man. If not-and hopefully not--close that door tight, head to church and find yourself an honorable man to respect you and raise your child in socially acceptable ways in which the two of you can be proud of. Am I Being Used? Q: I’ve been involved with a man for a few months and I recently noticed that he’s pulling away from me. One night he called me and acted strangely so I asked why he was calling. He said it was just a “booty call.” I’m not sure what he meant by this, but by his tone, I knew I’d been demoted from. What did he mean by this? A: You’re right, a “booty call” is not a good thing. This derogatory term refers to the act of calling someone solely fro soliciting sex. That’s it. It’s a call that usually comes in late at night, as an after thought. Basically your role in that kind of “relationship” is to be their sexual outlet. It sounds like it’s time to move on. Once someone becomes nothing more in their partner’s life than a means for sexual release, all hope of resurrecting the relationship is over. As you well know, that is an insulting place to be. Your partner has put you in a temporary holding place until he finds a replacement for you. Once he does, he’ll stop calling altogether. Save yourself the unnecessary anguish and end it before you get hurt any more. The next time he calls asking for a “bootie call, “ tell him your booty is looking for someone new and no longer available to him. He Got Her Pregnant Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and like most relationships, we've had our ups and downs. However, recently I found out that he had an affair and the woman got pregnant—the baby was born two weeks ago. I talk to both of them and they apologized. I love him, we share a child together, and I’m confused. Please help me. A. You are in a complicated situation. It's common for women in your set of circumstances to act out of anger and make decisions they regret later on. Because you share a child together, you need to think about what is best for yourself as well as for your child. If you decide to forgive your husband’s transgressions in order to keep your family together, the two of you need to get into counseling immediately. This will help uncover the reason that prompted the affair in the first place. Affairs are always a symptom of something bigger. If you choose this journey, prepare yourself for a bumpy, emotional ride, which, by the way, is the only way to get the relationship on strong footing again. Affairs don't have to be the end of a relationship. Instead, they can be an opportunity to grow stronger and closer. The choice is up to you, but it sounds like you are on the right track. My Fits Drove Him Away Q: I have lived with my boyfriend for 2 ½ years. During this time, I have experienced bouts of temper with this man—I’m the one who yells and acts like a spoiled child, not him. He is a good person, gives me everything I need and tells me he loves me at least twice a day. Sadly, he’s had enough and asked me to move out. How do I deal with the guilt, get over him and move on? A: Your focus needs adjustment. Rather than direct your concern away from how to “get over him” or “moving on,” it needs to turn toward the reason the relationship is ending—your uncontrolled fits. The end of this relationship will not put a stop to your behavior. Just the opposite, it will escalate with time, destroying future relationships. Because of this, you need to explore what motivates your immature expressions. Gaining insight is one thing, but applying change to your well-oiled behavior will require you to stretch yourself—to fight the urge and go against what feels natural. People’s behaviors, both good and bad, are learned. And...what is learned can be unlearned. How Do I Keep a Man from Leaving Me? Q: My last three boyfriends have broken up with me and never looked back. I thought my last boyfriend was my true soul mate, but he dumped me too. I am afraid of loving a man again, but I can't stand to live a life without romance. Why do men keep leaving me? How can I make a man stay? A: Not all relationships are guaranteed to last...even if you think they are perfect. Rather than put yourself in a victim role by saying that all men leave you, consider what role you had that turned the relationship sour. This new perspective will shed light on the role you played that contributed to the failed relationship. There is no way to make a man stay in a relationship he doesn't want to be in. All you can do is keep an eye on your behaviors as well as his to recognize—and fix—problem areas as soon as you see them. The longer you wait to address them, the more difficult they will be to repair. And lastly, as long as you continue to be open to love, it will always come into your life. Blocks to Listening Being a good listener takes more than being attentive to your partner when he or she talks with you. Instead, the key to strong communication is knowing the characteristics of a poor listener. The act of NOT listening is not exclusively a fault of men; women do it just as often. Below is a list of common blocks to effective listening: Feelings of being right and your partner being wrong. Insecurity about topics that creates defensiveness. Silently resenting your pattern. Silently or verbally criticizing what your partner is saying. Being preoccupied with other issues. Being impatient or not in the mood to talk. Rehearsing what you will say while your partner is talking. Jumping to hasty conclusions. Dismissing what you hear. Racing ahead of what your partner is saying. The build up of strong emotions during a discussion. A dislike for the subject. Feeling misunderstood. The key to effective communication is identifying when you are doing any of the roadblocks above and work to change it. Like all change, it requires practice, but it's possible as long as you are willing to make the effort. Strange Sexual Practices What's perverse to one person may be normal to another. The world of sex is replete with titillating and sometimes curious acts that keep intimacy new. If nothing less, below is a list of strange sexual practices that are interesting to read about. As you will see, there are no boundaries to what people conceive. And...if daring enough, follow through does not have to be reserved for only the brave. Hot Wax: Hot wax in sex play is used to increase adrenalin and thus arousal. The most famous enthusiast was St. Pazz, a 16th century nun who would have others drop hot wax on her body while she was tied to a bed post and humiliated. Blood Sports: 'Blood sports' are those sex activities in which skin is broken. This would include activities such as cutting, phlebotomy, cicatrisation, piercing, carpet burns, abrasions, shaving, scratching, vampirism, flagellation, caning, branding, burning, and so on. Cutting the skin or drawing the blood creates an adrenalin rush, trust for partner, and a sense of personal conquest for the participant. It may also help relieve stress in some people. Autagonistophilia: This refers to those who are aroused by being on stage or performing for a cameraman. A Cure for Impotence "The artificial phallus should be shaped to your natural proportions. It will be more arousing for the lady if the outside is studded." If, during lovemaking, the erection cannot be sustained because the man is old, or simply exhausted he should use delicate oral techniques." A man who climaxes too swiftly should arouse his lady by caressing her clitoris with his fingers and flooding the well of her vagina before he enters her." The Kama Sutra makes an art out of making love. It's a manual for all ages. It helps new love blossom, bored love become exciting, and absent love reappear. What's better than indulging yourself sexually with someone you love? It's all about getting both partners on the same page to be intimate, then making the time to do so. If there's one thing you learn from their ancient practices, it's that sex is not an after-thought at the end of your day. Do what they have done for many years and make lovemaking a spiritual connection you share with your partner. The Kama Sutra Shows How to Do it Right Can you imagine a church that not only encourages its congregation to have sex, but also teaches you how to do it? It may be hard to fathom, but there is one. It's called the Church of the Tantra, dating back to 800 AD. The belief system is still practiced today in some parts of the world. Before you get too excited about waking up early next Sunday, don't expect to find this church on the corner in your neighborhood. It's primarily practiced in Eastern cultures. You know, on the other side of the world! Nevertheless, you will learn enough about the techniques in this article to duplicate and practice them religiously at home. As unusual as it may sound, this church combines spirituality with something NO other church does-sexuality. There is no shame or guilt for desiring sex; as a matter of fact, they have an entire book of sexual techniques called the Kama Sutra. The most fantastic thing about this book is that it can be used by anyone of any religion. You don't have to convert before you can adapt its practices to your sex life. All you have to do is have a willingness to broaden your sexual techniques. Here's a sample of instructions for a variety of sexual positions from the Indian "bible"-The Kama Sutra. This book makes the "Joy of Sex" look like a kindergarten book: Lying Down: "Full of desire, saying sweet words, approach her with your body stiff as a pole and drive straight forward to pierce her lotus and join your limbs." this is called "Madandhvaja" (The Flag of Cupid). Sitting Position: "She sits with raised thighs, her feet placed either side of your waist; penis enters vagina; you rain hard blows upon her body." This is called "Kshudgaga" (Striking). Rear-Entry: "If the lady, eager for love, goes on all fours, humping her back like a doe, and you enjoy her from behind, rutting as though you'd lost all human nature." This is called "Hirana" (The Deer). Standing Position: "When she leans against a wall, planting her feet as widely apart as possible, and you enter the cave between her thighs, eager for lovemaking." This is called "Sammukha" (Face to Face). Musts for Better Sex Good sex is much more about attitude than technique. Sometimes the only adjustment needed is a few exercises that improve the act of making love. Although the practices below can be done alone, they are best practiced while making love with your partner. Touch and be Touched The body is one big erogenous zone. Don't focus your touching exclusively on the genitals, breasts, or buttocks. Let your hands explore the more neglected areas for a greater impact on lovemaking. the feet, for instance, are highly sensitive to touch. To see how powerful this rule can be, the next time you make love, agree to go 30 minutes without touching the sexual areas of the body. Encourage Your Partner To prevent worrying, "I'm taking too long" or "This won't work," partners should cheer each other on by using positive statements such as, "I'm enjoying this, take as long as you want." Be in the Moment While making love, put ALL thoughts out of your head. Instead, focus on the sensations of your five senses. When you catch your mind drifting, bring it back. Never Compare Lovers You've learned your skills from your past, but your partner doesn't need to hear about your schooling. Concentrate on mastering your techniques with your current partner. Getting Past Sexual Shyness Shyness in the bedroom is common for many people, in particular women. When it's present the result is always the same-physically relating to another person becomes difficult. If it isn't corrected early on, the foundation of a relationship can weaken, leading to sexual frustration, arguments, cheating or worse-a broken love affair. By it's very character, sexual shyness acts as a barrier that keeps two people at a distance. However, it doesn't have to. There are ways to create and build sexual closeness. Behind the Scenes Other than being unfamiliar with a new lover, there are two primary reasons that cause someone to experience sexual shyness: 1. Lack of skills or inexperience with lovemaking, and 2. A real or perceived bad sexual experience. Regardless of the genesis, there are four simple things that you can do to help elevate it: Learn Where it Came from. If you can uncover when you first began to have negative thoughts and feelings toward intimate acts, you will be on the road to rebuilding your sexual self-esteem. A good way to begin the process is to try a simple technique-make a list of all the sexually-related experience that causes you angst. Next to each incident, decide if the experience holds true today. For example, although it upset you to be called flat-chested when you were 12-years-old, now as a fully-developed woman, the insult no longer applies. With that, it's time to let go of the damaging belief tied to the memory. The process of putting your thoughts into black and white will help to each more real and manageable. As you do this, you will begin to see a new confidence emerge. Relaxation. The tenser you feel, the more sexual shyness you'll experience. Prior to being intimate with your partner, find ways to relax yourself: exercise, yoga, bubble bath, a hot drink. Skill Development. The more you practice, the more confident you will be in the bedroom. Skill development can come about in a number of ways: reading books that instruct on sexual techniques, watching movies to learn how others do "it," visualization (imaging yourself in a sexual situation) and, of course, through actual practice with your partner. Positive Self-Talk. Each time you catch yourself feeling shy, pay attention to what you are thinking. More than likely, it will be a negative thought that will exacerbate shyness. Stop your thought immediately and replace it with a positive statement that builds your sexual confidence. Finding Her Faults Before It's Too Late Many men find themselves falling into patterns of getting involved with the "wrong" kind of partner. This may prove to be frustrating, resulting in a helpless feeling. The question "Why?" is often asked. "Why do I keep getting involved with the same kind of women?" Well, let me tell you. It is because you aren't looking for early warning signs that signal you to get away. It might also mean that you are unaware of the warning signs but rationalize their potential ramifications. Be that as it may, you are attracted to that "bad" trait or traits in women. Consequently, those characteristics lead to unhealthy relationships. The only way to avoid repeating harmful patterns is to be able to recognize the adverse signs early on. The earlier you see the signs, the easier it is to avoid getting hurt emotionally. Change is not comfortable. If you want to have a healthy relationship, you will have to learn to be attracted to a different type of person. To do this, you need to make slight changes. The easiest is to redirect your first conversations with people you find attractive. These conversations should take on a purpose of screening for unwanted traits. When a man, for instance, gets caught up in conversation with an attractive woman, it's easy to get lost in her voice, eyes, touch, and so on. Before you know it, the conversation meanders without a focus and you have no idea if he shares similar bad traits as your ex. But, you don't have to let this happen. You can set your goal to unveil the woman's "crucial topics" (issues that YOUR previous relationship(s)). For instance, if your ex was an alcoholic, keep an eye out for how much she drinks and how important alcohol is in her life. The key is to be casual and not make it sound like you're interrogating her. Keep in mind that she will have no idea what you are thinking, only that you are having light conversation. I'm sure you have the idea: make a point of finding the signs of the relationships that have impacted your past relationships negatively. Regardless of how attracted you are to a woman, don't rationalize the red flags waving in front of your eyes. Making excuses for these will lend itself to the same results you had with the last woman-a bad relationship. Lonely in a Relationship Loneliness comes from being alone, not from being single. As a matter of fact, people in relationships experience loneliness as often as anyone else. The very definition of this word according to Webster's dictionary is, "cut off from others, sad from being alone, a feeling of desolateness." Loneliness is a powerful human emotion that is built into us for a reason-people are meant to be together. Without this emotion, what would propel people to maintain friendships, family, and intimate relationships? Not much. Loneliness can also signal a time of change in your life-in and/or outside your relationship or within yourself and your life. It may indicate that your emotional needs are not being met by the people in your life, therefore, it's time for you to expand your pool of friends. Keep a chart of when you feel you're most lonely. Common times are evenings and weekends. Make a pact with yourself to get out o the house during those ties. Go to public places where people congregate: parks, church, libraries, bookstores, shopping areas. Join organizations or volunteer. There are so many things you can do to feel needed and to be needed. It's up to you to take the first step and make it happen. Woman Have Fantasies Too Sexual fantasies are an intriguing subject...and not only men have them. The truth is, women have them too, but they are limited to three general types. Women can be just as sexual as a man if he learns what fantasy buttons to push. In order to rouse a woman's fantasies, it takes a little work. First of all, when you set out to stimulate your partner, you need to narrow your focus down to the three specific types of fantasies: 1. Women with women, 2. Women in Control, and 3. Sexually insatiable. Too often, when using fantasies, men include the things that turn themselves on rather than what arouses a woman. Unfortunately, this is the quickest way to turn a woman off. Women have specific requirements in their fantasies, primarily, a slow building pace before and after the sex act. As a matter of fact, the non-sexual touching is equally arousing to a woman. When using fantasies with your partner, pay close attention to the core elements in each of the types listed below and include those details during fantasy talk. Fantasy one: Women with Women. This fantasy is alluring to women because its primary activities consists of two aspects of sex that women crave: oral satisfaction and tenderness. The key to this fantasy is slow seduction. It begins with caressing and holding, builds to passionate, mutual orgasms, and finishes the way it began-tenderly. Fantasy Two: Women in Control. The central theme in this fantasy is a woman who has the power to make her partner cum. This is the woman who plays the controlling seductress whether it's through the role of dominatrix, exhibitionist, or any number of controlling women roles that turn a man on. Her arousal comes from watching a man lose his control to her. Fantasy Three: Sexually Insatiable. Unlike the other two types of fantasies, this one is more “manly” because the focus is on the sex act. Common themes in these fantasies are: engaging in forbidden love, oral sex, multiple orgasms, orgies, public sex, and anything involving sexually adventurous actions. The easiest way to begin is to start out slowly. You might, for instance, bring up the topic of sexual fantasies. All you need to say is, “Which of the following three would turn you on more? At that time, mention the fantasies above. The mere act of talking about it will arouse her. So, if you want to turn your partner on through sexual fantasies, all you have to do is start talking about the subject. It may be a slow process, but it's guaranteed to create an insatiable woman! Five Turnoffs According to Rosemary Packard of Introductions by Rosemary, a veteran matchmaker in Orange Country, CA, she believes that single people do things to sabotage a potential relationship without realizing it. As you will see below, all are easily fixable. Five turnoffs for Women: 1.Thinking negatively about ex's or women in general. 2. Drilling a woman with questions as if an interview. 3. Displaying cheapness/checking out other women. 4. Bragging about his income or other assets. 5. Drinking too much/'road rage'/using foul language. Five turnoffs for Men: 1. Talking negatively about her ex's or men in general. 2. Being too busy to schedule dates. 3. Being too assertive and businesslike/lack of femininity. 4. Discussing negative aspects of herself or subjects. 5. Self-absorbed/excessive talking/not taking an interest. Source: Rosemary Packard, owner of Introductions by Rosemary Matchmaking Service. To learn more, visit www.IntroductionsbyRosemary.com or rosemaryp@cox.net or 949.857.6569. Find His Faults Many men and women find themselves falling into patterns of getting involved with the “wrong” kind of partner. This may prove to be frustrating, resulting in a helpless feeling. The question “Why?” is often asked. “Why do I keep getting involved with the same kind of men/women?” Well, let me tell you. It is because you aren’t looking for early warning signs that signal you to get away. It might also mean that you are unaware of the warning signs but rationalize their potential ramifications. Be that as it may, you are attracted to that “bad” trait or traits in men/women. Consequently, those characteristics lead to unhealthy relationships. The only way to avoid repeating harmful patterns is to be able to recognize the adverse signs early on. The earlier you see the signs, the easier it is to avoid getting hurt emotionally. Change is not comfortable. If you want to have a healthy relationship, you will have to learn to be attracted to a different type of person. To do this, you need to make slight changes. The easiest is to redirect your first conversations with people you find attractive. These conversations should take on a purpose of screening for unwanted traits. When a woman, for instance, gets caught up in conversation with an attractive man, it’s easy to get lost in his voice, eyes, touch, and so on. Before you know it, the conversation meanders without a focus and you have no idea if he shares similar bad traits as your ex. But, you don’t have to let this happen. You can set your goal to unveil the man’s “crucial topics” (issues that broke your previous relationship(s)). For instance, if your ex was an alcoholic, keep an eye out for how much he drinks and how important alcohol is in his life. The key is to be casual and not make it sound like you’re interrogating him. Keep in mind that he will have no idea what you are thinking, only that you are having light conversation. I’m sure you have the idea: make a point of finding the signs of the relationships that have impacted your past relationships negatively. Regardless of how attracted you are to a man, don’t rationalize the red flags waving in front of your eyes. Making excuses for these will lend itself to the same results you had with the last man—a bad relationship. Spices with Perking Power Is it true that common--store bought--spices double as aphrodisiacs? People throughout history swear by the power of aphrodisiacs for boosting the sex drive or to cure sexual problems. In recent years studies have added credibility to these claims. By using the spices listed below, you'll never have to worry about the latest sexual interest or dysfunction. Just a dash in your favorite food is all you need to do the trick. Problem----------------Spice to Use Low sexual desire-------Cloves, pepper, vanilla, salt, ginger Impotence--------------Cardamon or garlic Premature ejaculation---Cardamon Weak climax------------Garlic Low sexual sensitivity----Saffron In case you are wondering how long you have to wait before it takes effect, it's quick. As a matter of fact, remember what your mom used to tell you about eating and swimming--'Wait 20 minutes before you go in the water.' That rule applies here too...in a different context. Break the Pattern of Abusive Men Women who get involved with abusive men are typically those who had abusive childhood home environments. This kind of upbringing tends to normalize abusive behavior in all relationships. What this means is that women from this kind of a background are not as keen to the subtleties of abuse the way “healthy” women are. On a positive note, there is a silver lining here—all behavior can be relearned, including the ability to recognize early signs of abuse as unacceptable behaviors in a relationship. Once this is learned, a woman will be able to break free from unhealthy relationships with men who are no good for her. Below is a list of common abusive behaviors to watch for from abusive men or abusive women: Criticism about your good qualities; Past abusive relationships; Criminal activities; Drinking or drug problems, past or present; Mood swings; Discourages your successes; Jealousy; Abusive family members or spouses of siblings; Attempts to control your whereabouts; Disrespect toward your publicly or privately; Violations of others rights; Irresponsibility; Attempts to keep you isolated; Persistent lying; History of truancy, delinquency and running away; Highly reactive; Streaks of meanness toward others for no reason; For women, threatened by relationships with men, past, present or imagined. For men, threatened by relationships with women, past, present or imagined. In order to recognize early abusive signs, a woman must stop rationalizing “abusive” behaviors as “normal.” If she sees ONE abusive behavior, regardless of how small, she needs to remind herself that it IS abuse. Period! With this new skill, she will soon be dating men who treat her with dignity and respect—the way all women deserve to be treated. The Kiss Goodnight Whether you are married or single, before a date ends, be sure to tell your date that you are looking forward to kissing him or her on the front doorstep. By telling your partner this, it will make him or her excitedly look forward to what kind of kiss you are going to deliver. More than anything, your partner will think it's very romantic. For those of you who are married or living together, a kiss at the end of a date is important too. Even if you park the car in the garage, walk to the front door to say goodnight. Stand at the door the way you used to and look deep into your partner's eyes with either your arms around him or her or holding hands. Even if you've been married for 30 years, looking deep into someone's eyes can sends a chill up your spine. My Grandma Brown said she always felt this way about her husband, Grandpa Brown, and they were married 63 years and had eight children! If you want to make your kiss goodnight extra romantic, follow these tips: Hold your partner's hand as you walk to the door. Take your time getting to the kiss. Let your partner know what a good time you had and that you'd like to do it again. Tell your partner you've been looking forward to this kiss all night. Even if you've kissed all night, this traditional moment is romantic. Caress your partner's cheek as you look deep into your partner's eyes in a long gaze. Cup your partner's face in both your hands and tell her how beautiful she is. Slowly move in for a very long, passionate kiss. For the sake of romantic drama, if you are holding a sweater, keys, or something nonbreakable, let it drop to the ground in the middle of the kiss. Your date will love this display of a loss of control. Keep talking to a minimum. Let your eyes and body language talk for you. Dealing with Shyness Shyness is a common by-product when you see someone you are attracted to. Unfortunately, if you appear too shy, not only will you come across as less approachable but also as less attractive. The way to avoid this is to find ways of calming your body down when your anxiety rises. Below are several techniques to try out; they are sure to crush shyness and help meet the partner of your dreams. Techniques for dealing with shyness: 1. Retreat: Leave the situation temporarily until anxiety subsides. 2. Talk to another person: Redirect nervousness and conversation to someone you are not attracted to. 3. Move around: Force your body to move. This will get rid of excess energy that nervousness creates. Let's Meet There A woman can never be too safe, especially when she is meeting an attractive stranger for a first date. The smart choice--meeting in a public place--is not always the decision women make, but should. The next time you offer your home address to a new man, consider the following reasons not to: Safety: A new man is really someone you know nothing about. Until you get to know him, public meetings offer a cushion of safety that being alone in your house with him does not. Alcohol: People vary in their view of drinking and driving. it's not a good idea to put your life in the hands of a man who might drink one too many before he drives you home. When you drive yourself, you are in charge of how much alcohol is consumed before you get in the car at the end of the date. How Long the Date Lasts: Nothing is worse than a date that drags on too long. Meeting your date puts you in control of your arrival and, especially, your departure times. You Don't Have to Clean: Why clean when you don't have to? If you invite a date to your house, you're more likely to feel the need to clean up before he arrives. On the other hand, if you meet him elsewhere, there is no need to spend unnecessary time cleaning. Sex: As it is, the pressure of sex comes too soon for most people. The temptation to progress to intimacy becomes more likely if a man drives you home. An innocent walk to the door can easily turn into premature sex. All hoties are not alike--protect yourself by keeping your home address private. That way, if he turns out to be a creep, you won't have to fret over who is knocking on your door each time your bell rings. Break the Pattern of Abusive Women According to the United States Justice department, over one third of all "reported" cases of domestic violence involve a violent woman as the perpetrator. And, because of the stigma for a man reporting “his woman" beats him, the number is probably much higher. Men who get involved with abusive women are typically those who had abusive childhood home environments. This kind of upbringing tends to normalize abusive behavior in all relationships. What this means is that men from this kind of a background are not as keen to the subtleties of abuse the way “healthy” men are. On a positive note, there is a silver lining here—all behavior can be relearned, including the ability to recognize early signs of abuse as unacceptable behaviors in a relationship. Once this is learned, a man will be able to break free from unhealthy relationships with women who are no good for you. Below is a list of common abusive behaviors to watch for: Criticism about your good qualities; Past abusive relationships; Criminal activities; Drinking or drug problems, past or present; Mood swings; Discourages your successes; Jealousy; Abusive family members or spouses of siblings; Attempts to control your whereabouts; Disrespect toward your publicly or privately; Violations of others rights; Irresponsibility; Attempts to keep you isolated; Persistent lying; History of truancy, delinquency and running away; Highly reactive; Streaks of meanness toward others for no reason; Threatened by relationships with ex’s—past, present or imagined. In order to recognize early abusive signs, you must stop rationalizing “abusive” behaviors as “normal.” If you see ONE abusive behavior, regardless of how small, you needs to remind yourself that it IS abuse. Period! With this new skill, you will soon be dating women who treat you with dignity and respect—the way you deserve to be treated. Marriage Material What are the qualities you look for in a potential wife? Have you ever dated someone you were crazy about, yet wished you could change this one little thing about her? Have you reveled in the fact that you and your sweetie had almost everything in common, yet you still broke up? Just what is it that we really need to look for in order to promote a successful future with someone? Perhaps the best way to determine whether she is wedding-worthy is to ask yourself a few questions. There are five basic elements that you need to really look at before any relationship can progress towards something truly successful. These elements are as follows: emotional, sexual, intellectual, financial, and spiritual. Emotional: Take the emotional aspect of a person’s makeup. This area includes a person's psychological characteristics, emotional styles and expressions. Perspective on the world, level of self-esteem, confidence, intimacy, ability to share, commit. Weaknesses, strengths, respect of self and others, vanity, attitude. The list goes on... Sexual: Sexuality means different things to different people. For some, it means the physical act itself, perhaps something wild, while for others, romance and expression play an important part. A few traits to keep in mind when looking for a partner might be level of interest, romance, attraction, love, variations, response, monogamy, communication, risk taking, playfullness, awareness of STDs, and physical appearance. Intellectual: How a person thinks about the world he or she inhabits, and how they interact day to day. Some people are casual and some thrive on being type A personalities. A person's intellectual style influences would include expression of ideas, level of education, sense of humor, goals, skills, hobbies, mistakes, converasation and learning styles, interest and quickness of thought. Financial: Money affects everyone. How one treats it tells much about him or her, and can make the difference between a comfortable life and a life of living Hell, so it's important to be compatible in this area. Pay attention to spending style, lifestyle, goals, retirement, savings and ideas about money and debt in general. Spiritual: Spiritually doesn't necessarily mean a person's religious orientation, rather a basic belief system about life in general. A sense of self, a reason for living. It includes beliefs about ethics, the importance of religion, purpose of life, optimism, acceptance of others, integrity, honesty, responsibility and social values. Using the Core Elements to Make a Match Whenever you are interested in someone, it's important to know her views on each of the five components. The more areas of comparability, the stronger the foundation of the relationship will be. People can have differences, but it adds strain to a relationship. Observe and communicate, and hopefully, you will be able to catch differences early on, to avoid pain later. Romance and Pitter Patter: A Successful Mix No two people showed their love more than Jim and Della in the story of The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry. If you don’t remember the story, it was about a poor couple at Christmas. The only two possessions of value in their home were Della’s long, beautiful hair and Jim’s watch that had once been his grandfather’s. As the story goes, Della sells her hair to buy Jim a chain for his watch, and Jim sells his watch to buy Della combs for her hair. This story is about giving for the sake of love, even if you have to sacrifice the one thing you treasure the most. The Gift of the Magi illustrates what this article is about: romantic gestures. A romantic gesture is a physical way to show your partner you care. The important aspect of the gesture isn’t its grandness or cost. The intent behind the gesture is the true present. Romance boils down to making the extra effort, even when you think you don’t have the time or the energy to show your love. This is especially true when children are added to your love life. To make it a successful transition, all you need to do is learn a few final points about how to keep your romance alive by paying attention to the little things. Everyday gestures of love show your partner how much you appreciate him or her—as a partner, in addition to being a parent—and demonstrate that the relationship is a top priority. When you learn how to protect your investment in your relationship, you and your partner will bask in the rewards of a romantic life together. Make Your Partner a Part of Your Life One day over lunch, Bridget told her friend that she felt as though she and her husband of 12 years were just strangers living together under the same roof. They got along like two roommates, or co-parents, without any problems, but something was missing. Bridget reminisced about how close she and her husband had once been and had no idea when things changed. She missed the closeness and had no idea how to get it back. Her friend sympathized with her because she felt the same way about her husband, too. These two women share a very common problem in long-term relationships. Fortunately, this problem is easily fixed: Just remember to make your partner a part of your life. When a relationship passes the honeymoon stage and into the comfortable stage, people often stop sharing things with their partners. This tendency is a normal process of growing closer. People just get busy in their normal routine and don’t take the time to share like they did early in their relationship. The remedy is to devote a certain time every day to share the highs, lows, passions, frustrations, memories, hopes, and everything else you go through every day. Keeping the lines of communication open will keep the romance burning bright in your relationship, and that’s the key to feeling close to your partner. Talk Time Knowing someone takes a lifetime, so you need to keep the lines of intimate conversation going. These important conversations will prevent the two of you from ever feeling like strangers living together. Encourage these conversations by reserving nightly time together before you fall asleep to have talk time. You don’t have to verbally arrange a time to talk—it’s better to keep it casual by creating a habit of talking each night. Talk time isn’t a time for serious discussions or conversation about the children; it’s more a time for relaxed, fun conversation to get to know each other better. The following are some good questions for you to ask your partner at talk time: Tell me about your favorite pet when you were a child. Who has been your best friend the longest? What’s a holiday tradition that you like/dislike? When you are old, what will be the highlight of your life? If you could be the creator of any invention throughout time, what would it be? Tell me about your first day in high school. What are your favorite smells of each season? Keeping Life Balanced In most couples today, both people have careers. Dual-career couples often experience an increase in relationship stress and a decrease in the amount of time they have for each other. As long as the relationship is well-organized, and nothing unexpected comes up, work and relationships run smoothly. However, life usually doesn’t work that way. Couples must keep their lives in balance. If they don’t, their relationships will suffer. You won’t fall out of love just because you’re a workaholic. But continually putting your other responsibilities ahead of your relationship means that you and your partner will pay in terms of emotional neglect for each other’s needs. Get a sitter if you need some time alone. Take a sick day to put your relationship back in good health. Do what’s necessary to balance the needs of your life with the needs of your relationship. Making Your Dreams Come True Too often obligations in life keep you from maintaining the closeness you originally sought in your relationship. You can combat this by focusing on sharing your life with your partner. Real romance isn’t about flowers and candy, it’s about daily expressions of love. It’s about your commitment to your partner and the actions that prove your commitment. Expressing love is not about the big things you do for your mate, but the small things. These little gestures make your partner feel appreciated, cared for, and special. For those times when you don’t feel up to giving, just remember that it’s hard to have a vibrant, growing relationship with someone when you are more deeply committed to something else. Even if you aren’t comfortable expressing your love, you still need to do it. Be realistic; it’s all right if you start out slow. The point is to start. In a great country song called “Me Too,” a husband struggles to tell his wife he loves her, but he can only manage to say, “Me too.” Of course, she urges him to say, “I love you,” but he can’t. To reassure her, he talks about all the things he does to say “I love you,” but she misses all of them. Let this song be a reminder that sometimes your partner may be trying his best to show you he loves you. Sadly, some people find it difficult to express their love verbally. But this difficulty does not mean they do not show their love in other ways. You just have to learn the ways your partner shows you he cares. Just think of how good it will make your partner feel to know you see how he expresses his love for you. Every effort either of you make to be romantic and to show love counts. Make your relationship a top priority in your life by keeping your full attention on it. Relationships don’t stay strong and happy because of mere proximity. Instead, your relationship is happy because you care enough to make it work. Will You Marry Me? There is no other time, than the beginning of a relationship, when couples verbally express their love for each other. This is especially true for wedding proposals. Proposals and vows are words said to your partner…special statements that summarize the entire relationship. They are significant because once they are said, the course of the relationship changes from casual to serious. The beauty of proposals and vows is in their brevity. They capture the essence of your love, devotion, and commitment in just a few words. I Want to Spend The Rest of My Life With You Because a wedding proposal is a story that will be told and retold, it needs to be done in a way to create a storybook tale of the event. Basically, something that you will be proud to tell people the rest of your lives. Here are some guidelines to help you propose with style: Choose a meaningful date that is easy to remember, such as Valentine’s Day. Choose a place that has personal meaning, such as the first place you went on a date. Incorporate details that personalize the history of your relationship. Plan the proposal for a day that your partner won’t be too rushed or stressed to enjoy the moment. Select a private place, unless you don’t mind others watching. Is a Breakup Near? Not all relationships are guaranteed to last...even if you think they are perfect. All you can do is keep an eye on your behaviors as well as his to recognize-and fix-problem areas as soon as you see them. The longer you wait to address them, the more difficult they will be to repair. Research shows that the majority (96 percent) of breakups are initiated by women. Although this statistic may seem comforting, for the women who have been dumped, it is anything but. In retrospect, most people realize that the signs were there all along, but chose to ignore them. The most significant sign was a 'gut' feeling that something was wrong. A person's gut is never wrong, its purpose is for protection. So, whatever you feel it telling you, you need to listen, even if your partner denies it. Other common signs include the following: Visiting dating Web sites; Not marry you within three years of dating; Being secretive; Needing more time and space away from you; Forgetting important dates; Behaviors do not follow words Continued friendship with ex partners A change in routine; Picking fights about insignificant things; Spending less time together; Going out with friends more; Not expressing love as often; A sudden burst of devotion of love (this is usually a guilt response to an upcoming breakup). Understanding the unspoken is key to knowing how strong a relationship is. Average Size Penis Q: I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I have a small penis—it’s only two inches when it’s erect and about the same when it’s not. My girlfriend tells me that I satisfy her, but how can that be true when all I hear in the media is, “Bigger is better?” A: As long as a man’s penis is long enough to reach the first one-third of a woman’s vagina, sex will feel pleasurable for both the woman and the man. This is because the opening of a woman’s vagina has the most pleasure-producing nerve endings. The further back, the fewer the nerve endings. During orgasm, the muscle spasms here are extremely intense. More important than length is the girth. The thicker a man’s penis, the more stimulation a woman will feel each time he thrusts. This should explain why size does not matter. The most reliable way to gauge a lover’s satisfaction is to pay particular attention to her clitoris. The more you touch it, the more pleased she’ll be. A clitoris is basically an undersized penis with all the same sensations of one. Think about it, how much satisfaction would you get if yours was ignored during sex. Probably not too much! With this in mind, make sure to give ample stimulation to her clitoris rather than worrying about how deep your penis reaches. Just for the record, the average size of an erect penis is a little over six inches. The longest erect penis ever medially verified measured 13 ½ inches long and six and one-forth inches around. In that case, size would matter—ouch! Aroused by Smells Q: During lovemaking I get turned on by smells but they don't seem to affect my girlfriend at all. I feel like she's missing a vital part of the whole experience. Is there anything I can do to increase her sensitivity? A: Everyone has a different level of olfaction sensitivity. Still, increasing your girlfriend's is definitely something you can work on. To help you do so, try using the following three suggestions: Massage her with oil: The combination of massage and scented oils heighten arousal. Take advantage of pheromones: Pheromones are also called 'human sex hormones.' They are odorless chemicals the body releases that can sexually excite a partner when inhaled through the nose. They are secreted through the skin and especially in areas known for sweating – arm pits and genitals. To only way to get her to breathe your pheromones is to get her close to you! Deprive her other senses: Naturally, when one of the five senses is blocked, it causes the other senses to become stronger. To increase your partner's sense of smell, try blocking out all senses except for that one. Turn a Woman on with Fantasies Sexual fantasies are an intriguing subject...and not only men have them. The truth is, women have them too, but they are limited to three general types. Women can be just as sexual as a man if he learns what fantasy buttons to push. In order to rouse a woman’s fantasies, it takes a little work. First of all, when you set out to stimulate your partner, you need to narrow your focus down to the three specific types of fantasies: 1. Women with women, 2. Women in Control, and 3. Sexually insatiable. Too often, when using fantasies, men include the things that turn themselves on rather than what arouses a woman. Unfortunately, this is the quickest way to turn a woman off. Women have specific requirements in their fantasies, primarily, a slow building pace before and after the sex act. As a matter of fact, the non-sexual touching is equally arousing to a woman. When using fantasies with your partner, pay close attention to the core elements in each of the types listed below and include those details during fantasy talk. Fantasy one: Women with Women. This fantasy is alluring to women because its primary activities consists of two aspects of sex that women crave: oral satisfaction and tenderness. The key to this fantasy is slow seduction. It begins with caressing and holding, builds to passionate, mutual orgasms, and finishes the way it began-tenderly. Fantasy Two: Women in Control. The central theme in this fantasy is a woman who has the power to maker her partner cum. This is the woman who plays the controlling seductress whether it’s through the role of dominatrix, exhibitionist, or any number of controlling women roles that turn a man on. Her arousal comes from watching a man lose his control to her. Fantasy Three: Sexually Insatiable. Unlike the other two types of fantasies, this one is more “manly” because the focus is on the sex act. Common themes in these fantasies are: engaging in forbidden love, oral sex, multiple orgasms, orgies, public sex, and anything involving sexually adventurous actions. The easiest way to begin is to start out slowly. You might, for instance, bring up the topic of sexual fantasies. All you need to say is, “Which of the following three would turn you on more? At that time, mention the fantasies above. The mere act of talking about it will arouse her. So, if you want to turn your partner on through sexual fantasies, all you have to do is start talking about the subject. It may be a slow process, but it’s guaranteed to create an insatiable woman! You Have A Message Leaving a phone message for your partner can be a creative way to express your feelings. All you have to do is call your partner when you know he isn't home. If you're at a loss for what to say, use one of the short messages I suggest below. Go ahead and try one out on your partner. You may be surprised by the response you get! “I didn't think about you once today. Twice, three, six times maybe, but not once.” “Hi, I just called the hotline, and they said you are on duty tonight. My romantic side needs first aid; what is your prescription? Please return this call ASAP.” “I always wondered where the missing part of my heart was until I found you.” “I never quite understood how time could stand still until I met you.” “You're your, and I'm me, but I like “we” better. I can hardly wait to see you.” “I was walking in the garden a few minutes ago and smelled an incredible flower and thought about you. It's beautiful to see our love blossom.” “Hi! This is the person who's crazy about you. Please be ready for a warm hug when I see you tonight.” “No one has ever touched my heart the way you have. Please keep touching it.” Each day is another opportunity to express your ever-evolving feelings of love. With all of life's ups and downs, you will be able to express your feelings a million different ways if you go with what you're feeling at any given moment. The important part is letting the one you love know that you care. Avoid Him/Her or Not? Q: After dating for six months, my boyfriend stopped calling me and will not return my calls. How could he be so spineless and not break up with me face-to-face? I have to see him next week at a school dance. Do you think I should cancel my plans to avoid him?—Debbie, St. Louis, MO A: Break ups don't always happen in textbook fashion. Sometimes they happen the way yours did. The end result is the same—you don't see each other. As for how you will act—be polite and respectful. If you see him, make your way over and say, 'I just wanted to say hello. How have you been.' If you don't want to go that far, don't ignore him, it will only make the situation more tense. Instead, if you meet eyes, be polite and wave to acknowledge him. Break ups happen all the time; there is no reason for you to avoid social situations just because he will be there. Honey, Darling, Sweetie Pie Nothing is more endearing than the first time your partner calls you by a pet name. One thing is sure—it signifies that your partner is comfortable with you. When you hear the name, it makes you feel special because it sets you apart from the others in his or her life. It’s amazing what a little phrase of fondness can do. Anyone can call you by your first name, but only a special person can make up his or her own name for you. Even friends and family can’t use pet names on you. Sure, they can call you something other than your name, but it’s not the same as when your partner says it. What’s in a Name? Some pet names are easier to use than others. The easiest terms are the ones that sound more like compliments. The following table has a few pet name ideas to help you get started: Categories of Pet Names Sweets Cupcake Sweet cakes Sugar Honey Cookie Other Foods Pumpkin Sweet pea Sugar plum Peach Hot Tamale Pedestal Princess Prince Angel Knight Goddess Basic Sweetheart Handsome Beautiful Baby Darling Pet Names Can Be Awkward Using pet names is a difficult thing for some people. For some, it almost feels like they are making a commitment by using anything other than their partner’s first name. For others, they just feel too reserved to use an affectionate term. If this describes you, don’t feel like you are the only one, because others are uncomfortable with this form of intimacy as well. For some, using a pet name flows easily, and for others, it takes a little practice.  It’s always easier to practice over the phone if you are the slightest bit uncomfortable. All you have to do is answer the phone, and when you hear your partner’s voice, without hesitation, say, “Hi there, handsome/ beautiful!” Then take a deep breath and know that the next time will be easier. You can bet your partner, on the other end, will be smiling from ear to ear. She’ll feel so special just because you called her something special. It works every time; test it out for yourself. Bringing Romantic Fantasies to life One of the most enjoyable parts of having a relationship is being able to fulfill your romantic fantasies. You know, the one about being swept off your feet by a knight in shining armor or rescuing the damsel in distress? Knights and damsels are a thing of the past, but romantic fantasies still exist. A romantic fantasy is something important to you that is missing in your love life. It’s what you think about in your quiet time. If only you had it, your life would be more complete.  In this article, you will learn how your romantic fantasies can come true by learning how to make them happen. All dreams need work to become realities. Whether you are in a relationship or not, you can still formulate your plan of action to make your romantic dreams come true. Romantic fantasies are different for everyone. Each fantasy takes on a life of its own with a unique feeling, tone, and theme. Some people have simple fantasies; other people’s fantasies are very detailed. One thing that is common with all romantic fantasies is the element of desiring something that you don’t already have in your life and that can only come through a romantic partner. Sharing Your Fantasy Many times, both partners in a relationship have fantasies that they would like to share with their partners, but they don’t reveal them. Sharing a fantasy can make you vulnerable. Fantasies also can evoke strong emotions. For these reasons, fantasies are usually kept private. To present your secret thoughts to someone can take courage. One of the biggest barriers to sharing a fantasy with your partner is erroneous assumptions. No one can read another person’s mind. Yet it’s easy to come up with many reasons why you think your partner would not want to live out a fantasy with you.  Telling Your Partner What You Want How do you tell your partner about your romantic fantasies? It’s easy. All you have to do is be clear about what you want and then tell your partner. I know it sounds easier to do than it is, but what do you have to lose? If you have someone who loves you, that person may be more eager to make you happy than you think.  The first step to telling your partner about your romantic fantasy is to think about what you want. Then write the fantasy down in one sentence. Have your partner write his or her fantasy down, too: Do you see how easy that was? Now that you have written it down, you should be clear about what you want. The next step is to share the fantasy with your partner. Go ahead, he won’t bite! I promise!    An Affair of the Heart, Mind, and Soul A romantic relationship is an emotionally intimate bond between two people. Such a relationship is best when it is with someone who knows you, understands you, and accepts you. It is enhanced through talking intimately about feelings, thoughts, and needs.  Sometimes when the qualities of a romantic relationship are not met, one or both partners seek them outside the relationship in an affair. An affair can be as exhilarating as it is destructive to the relationship. When a person in a relationship feels the temptation to have an affair, it’s usually because the romance in the relationship has stopped being important. Keep this thought in the back of your mind as you search for ways to inject more romance into your relationship.  Make Your Relationship an Affair to Remember When you think of an affair, what comes to mind? Passion? Romance? Attachment to another person? That’s exactly what an affair is; however, the downside is that it is typically associated with a limited duration, not to mention, causing a great deal of pain to your primary partner. But, what if you could extend an affair and make it an everyday and lifelong occasion with your partner? You can do it; it’s just a matter of decision.  The way to make this happen is to turn your relationship into an affair. The first step to doing this is to know just exactly what needs are met by an affair: feeling desired, being loved, feeling needed, sexual fulfillment, being understood, close friendship, intellectual stimulation, feeling complete, attachment, and being listened to.  Look over these characteristics and ask yourself which of these qualities you provide for your partner. The ideal way to use this list is to sit down with your partner and take turns putting this list in order of which characteristics you feel the strongest, down to those you feel the least. When each of you has completed your list, compare notes with your partner to see the order you put the characteristics in. Pay special attention to the last few items because they will tellyou the areas that you need to work on with your partner. The goal of this exercise is to identify the areas that are holding you back from having an affair with your partner.  You can do the same with your partner. Look at the feeling that he put on the bottom of the ranking list. Then ask him what he needs that would help him get a stronger sense of that feeling. You’ll be surprised at how this simple exercise will illuminate important feelings that your partner has been experiencing. This exercise many times reveals feelings that are new to both partners. When you are able to strengthen your weak areas, your relationship will be the love affair you always wanted. Making Your Relationship a Fairy-Tale Fairy tales have become a part of our image of what romance is supposed to be like. This image not only deceives women, but also men. One of the definitions of the term “fairy tale” in Webster’s is “a made-up story, usually designed to mislead.” On one hand, everyone k-nows that fairy-tale romances are make-believe. On the other hand, fairy tales inspire us to believe in happy love stories. For this fact alone, they have given us something we need for building our own love affair: hope. Many people have lost hope, and it’s time to get it back. Modeling Love on Fairy Tales Some people think that fairy tales create a false image for a real partner to live up to. The next time you read a fairy tale about a love affair, look to see the characteristics that form the foundation of these stories. What you will find are characteristics such as the following:  Looking for unconditional love Wanting to be loved by someone Seeking understanding Looking to be accepted by another These stories also show that life is happier with someone as opposed to being without someone. What they show is the humanness in having a mate. People innately gravitate to others for a sense of completeness. We are relational beings, with a need to relate to others. In a fairy tale, these themes are conveyed simply in a fantastical setting. In fact, fairy tales serve as wonderful models to use when deciding on what you want in your relationship.  Regaining a Belief in Fairy Tales How can we make romance just as magical as it is in the fairy tales? All you have to do is create your own love story, the greatest love story ever known. This means cherishing the one you love as though he were a prince or she were a princess. It means making your relationship a priority by including romance as one of its basic ingredients. An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but a kiss a day keeps others away! Creating the Greatest Love Story Ever It’s easy to be fascinated by other people’s love affairs and desire to have what they have, especially if the relationship is intense, happy, and seemingly problem-free. These great love stories epitomize an ideal that everyone would love to attain.  However, keep in mind that you are seeing only the public image of the relationship. You don’t see the work that goes on behind closed doors. All relationships take effort to be successful, especially great love stories. Would you like to make your relationship the greatest love story ever? Of course you would; everyone would. If you would, just keep reading along and learn how to do it. Before you know it, you will be transforming your good relationship into a great one. Learn from Happy Couples.  The best way to learn about how to have the greatest love story ever is to listen to how other happy couples do it. All you have to do is ask or read about happy couples, and you will learnthe tricks. For instance, in the book The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples, author Paul Coleman tells how happy couples stay happy. His findings are based on many research studieson marital happiness. Basically, his 30 secrets can be summarized into three main goals that all couples should have:  Practice good communication. Communication skills include considering the part you play in the problem, trying not to be defensive, and seeing the issue from your partner’s perspective. Have realistic expectations for a long relationship. Realize that change involves ups and downs and appreciate the effect that major changes, such as having children, will have on your relationship. Make time for each other. Make regular dates, have fun together, and take every opportunity to be affectionate. These three goals sound like such a simple recipe for living happily ever after, but they require something that many people forget: daily commitment.  Daily Commitment Is a Privilege How many times have you heard someone say any of the following: “I have to remember to get her a card,” “I must buy him a present,” “I should take her out for dinner,” or “I need to call him”? Couples commonly say these phrases. Having the greatest love story ever is not built on things you “have to do.” Rather,it’s based on feeling privileged to be able to do them. This difference in perception isthe difference between a happy couple and a super-happy couple. Building the greatest love story ever is work that is never complete. Love is a living, breathing thing that requires daily attention to keep it alive. Just remember, if you put in the minimum work, it will be reflected in the degree of happiness and satisfaction you feel in your relationship. If you put in 100 percent, you will have a relationship that gives you 100 percent fulfillment. This is the kind of relationship others admire and strive for. Taking part in the greatest love story ever requires a ifetime of privileged work—and what an honorthat is to take on!  Using Music to Draw Out Romance “I love you; you love me; we’re a happy family ….” Do you remember that song from childhood? You may even recognize it as the popular song Barney sings. Through music we explore and learn about myths, ideals, and the parameters of love.  With each year, our understanding of what we hear and feel in music deepens, especially as we begin to experience love. We hear thoughts similar to ours being sung on the radio. We listen with curiosity and hope of happy endings or perhaps guidance to help us.We learn that music intensifies our feelings, triggers emotions, and binds memories forever to songs that are associated with our love lives. We learn that music is our friend and our teacher. Because of this, music has attained a central importance in the world of romance and romantic relationships. Musical Inspiration Music can inspire or influence romance in so many ways. It’s hard for music not to inspire; it stirs the emotions when singers sing about love’s emotional extremes. When you hear a song that says, “I’m in the mood for love simply because you’re near me,” it’s hard to resist having an emotional reaction to what you hear. Music facilitates romance between you and your partner by moving both the intellect and emotions.  Music: A Course in Love Now that you know how music can naturally foster romance, the following tips will help you to use music in your own relationship to increase romance between you and your partner: If you are out and about doing something with your partner and you hear your partner say, “Wow, I love that song,” don’t just let the moment pass. Find out what the song is and buy it. Add it to your romantic collection. If you attend a Broadway show or a romantic film that moves you emotionally, buy the soundtrack. This way, you’ll be able to bring back the intense emotions you experienced again and again with your partner. Jump at the chance to dance together when music moves you. Going to concerts—especially by singers well known for romantic ballads— can put you in the middle of emotional moments that are bigger than life.  A Book in the Hand for the Courting Romantic storytelling came into vogue about the time that the troubadours began to composesongs of love and yearning. As time passed, the invention of the printing press produced massquantities of books, making them available to just about everyone. With this change, many people became literate and took up reading as a form of entertainment.  Couples also began to use reading in their courting. Both men and women took turns reading their favorite passages or poems aloud. Through books, lovers found the words they couldn’t say on their own. Lovers would spend hours searching the texts for just the right words for theirpartner and an equal amount of time reading it to them. Books were given as gifts with special words highlighted and dedications written to make them more special. Lovers had discovered a way to tell each other their thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams through printed words. Reading Builds Good Communication Skills Why not pick up reading as a new aspect of your courting? It will make life more interesting. Reading is a form of communication training that naturally develops effective listening and communication skills. When you know how to communicate effectively, your relationship will stand a better chance of being a happy one.  If you think about what reading to your partner teaches you, it’s worth more than anything you can do for your relationship. It teaches each partner how to take turns listening, and then speaking, and then giving feedback about what you’ve heard. This is a wonderful way of communicating. Reading to your partner will not only make you feel closer, but it will strengthen your relationship as well.  Encouraging Your Partner to Read to You People have different comfort levels with reading out loud, so you need to be sensitive to this. The best way to get your partner to read to you is to first let him or her know it’s what you would like. Second, encourage him or her to do it. If your partner is uncomfortable reading or you suspect that he or she is, follow these tips to make reading to you more desirable for your partner:  Don’t read over your partner’s shoulder. Don’t correct your partner’s mispronunciations of words. Listen without interrupting. Praise your partner afterwards for reading to you. (For example, say, “You made me feel so special by reading that to me.” “You have a great reading voice.”) Close your eyes as your partner reads to you. Give your undivided attention to your partner. When encouraging your partner to read, make his or her attempt as rewarding as possible. Sometimes people are uncomfortable reading out loud because of bad experiences in the past. By following the preceding tips, you will show your partner that reading to you is a positive experience.  The Magic of Three Little Words Saying “I love you” is the most beautiful gift you can give to your partner. These words are the most treasured a person can hear. You can say it a million times, and your partner will still want to hear it again, and again, and again.  The First Time Does anyone know when the perfect time is to say “I love you” for the first time? It’s hard to say if it should be said after a week, month, or year after knowing your partner. Logic doesn’t seem to be a part of it. Instead, this is one decision that is usually dominated by pure emotion. You will know when the time is right. Like a baby that’s ready to be born, there’s no holding it back. If you are at that point in your relationship and feel unsure about doing it, just use these tips to help guide you: If there is a strong affection or warm attachment (not just sexual), love is not far behind. Choose a quiet moment so your partner can hear you. Be sober when you say it. Say it as you are either holding your partner’s hands or stroking his or her face. Look your partner straight in the eye and say it. Mean it when you say it. Don’t waste any time once you realize how you feel. Be sincere. Say it in a foreign language first if you don’t want her to understand you. This way you will be able to test it out and see how you feel. Uniquely Yours: Wedding Vows The wedding vow is the most well-known demonstration of verbal love. A vow is a line of words that are a solemn promise, or assertion, someone makes that binds him or her to an act, service, or condition. In the case of a wedding, it's a declaration of love. Because religion plays a significant role in many people's lives, some of the more traditional vows were created by individual churches. Each vow has a slightly different way of phrasing the dedication words to make them fit each belief system better. The following are some of the more common religious vows: Roman Catholic: “I, Olivia, take you, Craig, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” Muslim: “I pledge in honesty and with sincerity to be for you an obedient and faithful wife.” “I pledge, in honesty and sincerity to be for you a faithful and helpful husband.” Jewish: The groom says, “Behold thou art consecrated unto me by this ring according to the law of Moses and Israel.” The bride remains silent, as is customary, and they are married. Carpatho Russian Orthodox: “I, Craig, take you, Olivia, as my wedded wife and I promise you love, honor, and respect: to be faithful to you and not to forsake you until death do us part, so help me God, one in the Holy Trinity and all the Saints.” Traditional Hindu Mantra Baha'i Faith: “I am the word, and you are the melody. I am the melody, and you are the word.” Protestant: “I, Olivia, choose you, Craig, to be my husband, my friend, my love, the father of our children. I will be yours in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, in failure and in triumph. I will cherish you and respect you, comfort and encourage you, and together we shall live freed and bound by our love.” United Church: “Olivia, I take you to be my wife, to laugh with you in joy, to grieve with you in sorrow, to grow with you in love, serving mankind in peace and hope, as long as we both shall live.” Personalizing Vows Many couples choose to continue with tradition and repeat the vow just as others in love have done for thousands of years. However, a contemporary trend has been for couples to write their own vows. Because the heart of the wedding ceremony is the exchange of vows, creating your own can be a wonderful opportunity to share aloud just why you have chosen your mate. This declaration of intent is specifically what the ritual is about anyway. To help you begin to formulate your ideas about what you will eventually write as your wedding vow, use the following tips. They will guide you to the most beautiful, loving words designed for your wedding day: You don't have to completely rewrite the traditional vows; you can simply replace certain words, phrases, or sentences to fit your thoughts. Ask the officiator about ideas he may have, guidance he might offer, or what's acceptablein a vow. The library offers many books on how to write personalized wedding vows. Read as many as you can so that you get a good feeling about how to write yours. Collect phrases that you like. Attend weddings and make notes about the words you liked in others' vows. Sit down with your partner and write your vows together. Even if you don't share what you are writing, the collaborative effort will be bonding. Begin early before the crunch of the wedding consumes you and you no longer have time to write something meaningful. Saying traditional vows is nerve-wracking enough, but the thought of reciting personal vows can be absolutely terrifying for some people. The fear of forgetting something causes some people to choose not to write personal vows at all. You don't have to let this fear come between you and what you want to say to your partner in a vow. It's common to have the person performing the ceremony to read the vow and have you repeat it after him. Most wedding ceremonies are performed this way, so you won't have to worry about fully memorizing your lines. © 2008 ExpertDatingAdvice.com Other Relationship Issues, Books Contact Us | Disclaimer | Privacy Statement Menstuff® Directory Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon Clay ©1996-2023, Gordon Clay