Mean man mistreats a sweet lady

To the question: "What are the obstacles of dating a widower?

I answered in two short paragraphs, saying that some widowers (emphasis on some) act as described in the next paragraph.

A widower thinks he has healed, acquires a new girlfriend, reassures her he is ready for a loving relationship, and then, a bit later, after she's fallen for him, declares, "I can't do this anymore," and dumps her. The girlfriend ends up heartbroken.

That information struck a chord with Kay: "Boy, did you get my attention with your reference to widowers." She shared her experience with dating a widower, although as pointed out at the end of the article, the man being a widower had nothing to do with how she was treated. He was just plain mean.

Kay said, "My husband suffered from Parkinson's for many years and I was his caregiver until he could not move and the doctor said I had to put him in a nursing center for his sake---and mine. I found an excellent one and then my 94-year-old mother came to live with me.

"I was at the nursing center every day with my husband, came home and took my mom out and about. Then she had a heart attack and I had to put her in the same nursing center where I spent most of every day.

"During this time at the center, I met a couple. She had MS and her husband was there most every day being very caring, helping her exercise, putting cream on her, etc. We all became good friends. She was a lovely and gentle lady. She passed away in Dec. 2008.

"The man contacted me at the nursing center asking if I would be interested in buying the compact wheelchair he had recently purchased for his wife and since at that time, I thought my mom would be coming home, I said yes.

"He then asked me out to dinner and since I had had no life for many years, I accepted. This began a relationship that included many trips, dinners out, meals I cooked for him and my caring for him thru his grief and tears.

"They had been married for 55 years. I listened, listened, listened. He did not want anything physical, didn't like to be touched, and would not spend the night. When we traveled, we had separate beds.

"The night my husband died, I was on my way home from the hospital in tears and he called. When I told him my husband had died, he said in a very mean voice, 'Grin and bear it.'

"When I called his cell the next day, he did not answer for some time and when he did, I said, 'I just want to talk to you.'

"He said in a very mean, loud, and nasty voice, 'Can't I go 3 days without talking to you?'"

"I said, 'If you can't talk to me, maybe we better call it (off).' He hung up on me.

"On Thanksgiving, he called. When I answered, he said, in a happy voice, 'Hi Janet.'

"In his defense, his daughter-in-law is named Janet, but when he heard my voice and I said, 'I don't understand why you won't talk to me, I thought we were friends,' he hung up on me and that was it. I have had a bad time with the three hurts (husband died, mother died, and boyfriend vanished), but have realized that he was not right for me and there were many red flags.

"In fact, I was going to have a talk with him, but, when my husband got so sick, I could not. Anyway, I have never talked to anyone the way he talked to me and if he wanted out why wasn't he man enough to tell me? We had talked about everything during our almost year together.

"Also, why was it so important to him to make it my fault? He knew that I would not, could not take that kind of abuse especially at the most difficult time of my life."

Tom's comment to Kay: he was a selfish and ego-centered jerk. It had nothing to do with him being a widower. You were there for him; he turned his back on you.

Yes, dating widowers can be problematic. But in Kay's case, she simply got a bad seed of a man, who just happened to be a widower.

© 2010, Tom Blake

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Tom Blake is an expert on dating after 50. He has appeared twice on the "Today Show" and has written more than 500 columns on dating and relationships. His "Single Again" column appears in The Orange County Register in southern California, is read worldwide and is often featured on msn.com. He is a professional speaker. He spoke at the national AARP convention in San Diego in 2002, and in Chicago. His book, Middle Aged and Dating Again, is a humorous account of his first year of dating after his third divorce. His second book is Finding Love After 50: How to begin, where to go, what to do. His latest book is titled How 50 Couples Found Love after 50. To ask a question or receive Tom's free weekly column on middle-age dating and relationships by e-mail, click on www.findingloveafter50.com or E-Mail.

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