Tennis playing widow rediscovers sex

Six years ago, when Ellen became a widow at age 54, she didn't expect to remarry, or have sex again, or even meet a nice man. She had been happily married to a man 32-years-older. They had children when he was 62 and 63.

Ellen said, "He was in excellent shape-did not smoke and did everything in moderation. Took Viagra until he was 85! That Viagra may have pushed him into whatever made him fall down the stairs. He also worked until 85 and never complained about working."

In six years, Ellen has had a change of heart: "My mind has opened up now to maybe I could marry again. I met a man on the tennis court and liked him immediately. I said, 'Let's be friends! I'll teach you tennis and you can teach me golf.'"

She explained what's happened with her tennis pal over the subsequent seven months with her tennis pal.

"We are now intimiate. I hadn't had sex for six years; he hadn't for eight years. It's pretty hot and I am enjoying myself.

"He doesn't want to get married and doesn't want this to be an every-day kind of relationship. So, I will look around for someone who wants to see me on a regular basis - more than just two times a week. Maybe I can meet someone else and fall in love again. This is so different than cutting myself off from everything.

"I am still attractive and full of energy. One does not have to limit oneself - there are so many men out there! Many have a lot to offer!

"There are many women who close themselves up after 'the love of their life dies.' My tennis friend helped me out by not pushing me. If he had tried to get too serious I would have run.

"After awhile, I became more interested and when he got close to me, I was surprised to feel sexually attracted to him. I thought about it for some time and then we discussed it (like it had been 6 years and I was afraid). His answer: 'If it happens, it happens.'

"He is an uncomplicated person. Our political and religious beliefs are quite different. I decided it didn't matter because we are just friends. We enjoy each other. I don't charge him for tennis lessons, but he takes me out for happy hours and dinner. It's nice.

"He is 67 and I am 60 so the age difference isn't too bad. He looks good and is in good shape.

"I decided I would not 'pine away' and have already met a younger man (54) on E Harmony who plays tennis and lives about 20 minutes away. We have just started writing so I don't know if it will develop into anything or not but, I figure, why not see what happens?"

I responded, "Sounds like you did everything right by taking the time to grieve and heal, and getting involved in tennis and golf. The relationship with the nice man has been a blessing for you. It may not be the ultimate answer for either of you. I understand your desire to see him more than twice a week; I understand his desire to be independent. Perhaps a compromise of four days a week is possible.

"Let him have his independence and still enjoy him. Don't make him feel smothered by pushing for more time together. He'll figure it out. Keep doing what you are doing activity-wise--golf, tennis and getting out with new people--and if other desirable men such as the Eharmony guy enter your life, check them out. If your tennis beau senses you slipping away and cares about you, he'll up the number of weekly visits.

"You are affectionate, young, energized and in good physical shape--desirable qualities men seek. Plus, you're seven years younger than your tennis beau. You're in a favorable position and have a great deal to offer.

"Don't write him off. You're using each other in a positive way. But continue to test other waters."

The male point of view: Where to meet men without baggage

Joe, "Tell her to try the local cemetary."

Gordon, "The same place you meet women without baggage. The cemetary."

Don, "It's unfortunate that so many over 50 'seekers of partners' carry so much invisible baggage. Invisible even to Lauren is her own brand of luggage: she is projecting that every male has something wrong with him.

"The idea that many of us have etched into our brain too deeply is that all the good men/women are already taken, leaving a long list of losers to sift thru, to find the best of the worst, really is a pretty half-assed way of approaching looking for anyone to possibly enjoy the rest of your life with."

Dick, "Join a Golf Club...golfers ars great guys."

© 2010, Tom Blake

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Tom Blake is an expert on dating after 50. He has appeared twice on the "Today Show" and has written more than 500 columns on dating and relationships. His "Single Again" column appears in The Orange County Register in southern California, is read worldwide and is often featured on msn.com. He is a professional speaker. He spoke at the national AARP convention in San Diego in 2002, and in Chicago. His book, Middle Aged and Dating Again, is a humorous account of his first year of dating after his third divorce. His second book is Finding Love After 50: How to begin, where to go, what to do. His latest book is titled How 50 Couples Found Love after 50. To ask a question or receive Tom's free weekly column on middle-age dating and relationships by e-mail, click on www.findingloveafter50.com or E-Mail.

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