Dating a widower takes time and patience "We met at a swimming water-exercise class with me as the instructor and he as a participant. It started out great and was nice to have someone to do things with. We agreed that neither wanted to marry again. I've been divorced 26 years." Joyce and the widower dated for two years. "We had a very nice relationship, as long as everything was about HIM and doing what HE wanted to do. We had many discussions about him always comparing me to his late wife. From time to time, he'd tell me he was having a bad time with the loss of his wife (five years) and was mad at her for leaving him. He is retired and they had many plans for retirement." But Joyce endured, thinking he'd change. "I gave more of myself in these two years than I intended, as he had health problems and I took care of him, helped him through the loss of an old dog, which wiped him out, and to get a new puppy. I helped him complete his home, which he'd been trying to do for 25 years, and helped clean out his late wife's things. I made a new granny quilt, shams and curtains for his new bedroom, which he wanted." Joyce added that sometimes he'd get depressed and be isolated from her for periods of time. Over the last few months, he didn't take her to couples activities as he once had. The romantic aspect dwindled before becoming non-existent. Joyce feels the widower needs grief counseling. "I tried to talk to him face-to-face to seek counseling; he wouldn't discuss it. The next day I got an e-mail from him stating that he was 'putting himself to the curb' as he doesn't want to give me any of what I expect and life is going to be all about HIM now! I laughed out loud when I read it." The widower broke up via email? That's a little cold, but that didn't phase Joyce. She added, "I was tired of being second fiddle to everyone and everything in his life. I am one spunky, happy, lady, seven-years-younger than he, with lots more ambition. "So it's over. I am relieved," Joyce says. "He is missing out on so much in life, but can't see it. "I don't regret the relationship or all I gave, but I have self esteem and it is time to move on. Being mothers, women are naturally givers, but there is a time when our own worth has to be considered and we shouldn't have to give, give, give, all the time." Joyce still teaches the water-exercise class and he's still a participant. One might wonder if the water has become a bit chilly. "Not so," Joyce says: "We both still attend--twice a week, It is fine with both of us. He doesn't seem to be uncomfortable about it and it doesn't bother me in the least." Dating a widower who hasn't properly healed from losing a loved one takes patience and time. For some women, the patience runs out before the time. Beware when dating a widower. © 2010, Tom Blake
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