Her Phone Number? Do NOT ask!

Q: What is your advice about getting her phone number?

A: SAME AGE WOMEN: When you are only slightly older than the woman, you can exchange phone numbers in a straightforward manner. “Sonya, I enjoy talking with you. Let’s get together for lunch sometime. Here’s my number. [Hand her your Interesting, Conversation-Starting Biz Card ICSBC] Let me have yours. We’ll talk and set it up.”

As you hand her your card, take out your pen and a piece of paper (not an address book!) [Ideal is the blank back of another ICSBC] and get ready to write her number down. Getting your pen out encourages her to give you her number because you have gone to the trouble of getting ready to write.

Notice that you do not ask. You suggest command. By going first and giving her your number you have make yourself vulnerable, thus she feels safe enough to reciprocate.

A: YOUNG WOMEN: Easy Big Guy! Young women don’t know how this game is played and don’t understand the significance of phone numbers. She’s used to Randy Redporsche who gets her number then maybe calls and maybe not. She does not realize that you see getting her number as the first step in a long courtship process. To her, phone conversations are for chatting and being cute, coy and manipulative with a boy. In short, never ASK a young woman for her number.

STEEL BALLS PRINCIPLE: do not ask, suggest or command. When you ask she has all the power!

If the encounter is warm, lightly seductive and friendly, go first by handing her your ICSBC. That card must have your home phone and your home address as well as all other numbers and email.

Say, “I enjoy talking with you, Debbie,” as you hand her your card. While she’s looking at it, point to your address and say, “That’s where I live . . .but I’m easiest to catch at the office. Let’s have lunch sometime. Give me a ring.” Then resume the conversation.

By revealing your home address and home phone, you show her that you aren’t afraid of letting her know where you live or how to call you. Young women suspect that all older guys are married or living with someone.

The whole enterprise puts the ball in her court. However, by making yourself open and vulnerable, you invite her to do the same.

WARNING: Don’t ask or suggest or even hint that you want her number.

Half of young women stumble when you hand them your card, but the other half smile like the cat who now has the keys to the canary’s cage as they carefully put your card away. A few, very few, of them give you their number. DON’T ask! Wait. She must proceed at her own speed. You’re old enough to be her father!

WARNING: Many young women who give you their number with or without you asking, suggesting or commanding, are telephone Rapo players and cock teasers. They want you to call so they can lead you on. Then they can say to themselves and their girlfriends, “He wants me. I could have him,” as they add another notch to their Rapo belt.

On rare occasions, the tone of the interaction is sexually charged, but time and location prevent consummation of a physical relationship. In that situation, and in that situation only, hand her your ICSBC then take out a pen and card/paper and say, “Let’s get together! Give me your number. What day and time should I call?”

Notice the careful phrasing of everything. Let’s get together! That’s a strong, sexual suggestion. Give me your number, is a command that she’ll follow in this situation. What day and time should I call? Shows her that you are a discreet man who will not cause her any problems and does not mind if she has a boyfriend or other encumbrance.

FORCEFULLY GETTING HER NUMBER: If you’re pushy to get her number, when you call, she won’t be glad to talk with you. If you leave a message, she won’t call back. Do NOT insist. Do NOT manipulate. Like love, a phone number must be freely given to be worthwhile and valuable.

©2008 R. Don Steele

Other Relationship Issues, Books


Don Steele has worked for more than 20 aerospace, defense and engineering companies as well as many political campaigns both in LA and in Hawaii. He became a Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in 1976. Beyond writing, other passions include a deep, abiding hatred for hypocrites, bureaucrats, poverty pimps and nearly all politicians; a lifelong devotion to anthropology, philosophy; astronomy and cosmology plus a long-term love affair with Hawaii, consummated in 1996. He and Joanna Bardot Lopez live in Whittier CA, with their number one dog Wolfie, number two dog, Tootsie, Peaches The Rabbit, Puppy Cat, Princess Cat, Snookums Cat and Bebe Cat. Don is the author of Date Young Women:  For men over 35 - Revised, How to Date Young Women:  For men over 35, Volume II, and most recently, Body Language Secrets. Check out steelballsAUDIO.COM and or E-Mail.

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