Fathers

Menstuff® has compiled information, books and resources on the issue of fathers. Here's how people around the world say "father": Afrikaans - Pa; Czech - Otec; Danish - Fader; Dutch - Ouder or Vader; English - Father; Esperanto - Patro; Estonian - Isa; Finnish - Isa; French - Pere; Frisian - Heit; German - der Vater; Hungarian - Atya; Hebrew - Abba; Latin - Pater, Norwegian - Far; Portuguese - Pai; Spanish - Padre; and Swedish - Far.

Photos above are from left to right by Amanda Currey, George Silk, Matsuzaki, Dorien Grunbaum, Bruce Davidson, J. H. Lartigue, Charles Biasiny Rivera, Georg Oddner, Guy Gillette, Howard Sochurek, David Strickler, Jill Freedman, Bob Willoughby, James H. Baker, Burk Uzzle, Bruce Davidson, and Donald McCullin from The Family of Children See Parenting also.

What Is A Father?
What Is a Father? II
The Simplicity of Fatherhood - Ya gotta see this!
Top Ten Father Facts

• More Facts

So You're Going to be a Dad
Help Fathers Be Dads
Things a Man Should Know: About Fatherhood
Tips for All Fathers
Convey your affection in minutes flat
Fathers & Daughters

• Danica delivers at Indy
• Daughters who compete with men

Fathers & Sons
Raise Kids Like a Man
Raise Your Daughter Right
Mothers - Help Fathers Be Dads
11 Smartest Things Ever Said About Fatherhood
Single Fathers
The Fatherless Household
Stay-at-Home Fathers
Step Fathers
Stepfamilies
Raising Another Man's Child
Military Fathers
Dedicated Dads
How do we forgive our Fathers?
Dads Have Postpartum Depression, Too: Depression in Father Doubles Risk of Child's Later Behavior Problems
What is the cost of raising a child?
Take Our Kid(s) to Work Day
Taking Your Kids Out of the U.S. (New rules)
Guns & Kids
Fathers' Stories
The Best Gifts
Parental Leave Act
The American Psychologist reports "Mothers aren't essential to the well-being of children."
Where to Put a Fire Extinguisher?
Being a Man
Stay Clear of Stay Clear
Teenage Substance Abuse
Ouch!  Body Piercing and Tattos
The Alcohol Issue
The Divorced Father's Quilt
Daddy Track
A Look at IRAs
Answering the Hard Questions
We're Going to Prison to Find Out How to be Better Fathers
Parenting & Forensic Testing
Halloween Safety Tips
Father's Confession
In Fathering, First Things First
Languages - Over 100 different ones
Fathers Make a Difference
Father's Day

• Recognition of Mother's Day vs. Father's Day
• Happy Mother's Day vs. Happy Father's Day - 2001
• Happy Mother's Day vs. Happy Father's Day - 2000
• "Happy Father's Day, Dad!"
• Father's Day 1999
• Mother's Day 1870

Legal Aid for Duped Dads
Mom. Do you Want a Healthier Husband?
The Daily Husband Blog

Missing Children
Related Issues: Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, Adolescence, kidstuff, children,  fathers & sons, fathers & daughters, single fathers, step fathers, military fathers and fathers stories
Other related issues: circumcision, fraternities, gangs, hazing, sexuality-general, sexual harassment, tv violence.
Resources on public changing tables, families, gangs, parents, father's rights, urgent, Fatherhood Aptitude Test to check if you're ready to be a Dad.
Books on: children, circumcision, communication, divorce-general, families, fathers-general, fathers & stepfathers, fathers & daughters, fathers-single, fathers & sons, gay fathers or gay children, stepfathers, marriage, parenting-general, parenting-single, relationship, ritual-initiation, sexism, sex roles, sexuality-general, sexual harassment, gangs, abuse-boys, abuse-child, sexual-incest, abuse-ritual, abuse-sexual, violence-rape, violence-sexual
Journals - on Child, Emotional, Religious, and Sexual Abuse and Trauma
Periodicals - Children, Parents, Teens
Slide Guide: Gangs, testicles, stds, aids, safe dating.  

 
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Top Ten Father Facts

• 24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father.
• Nearly 20 million children (27 percent) live in single-parent homes.
• 1.35 million births (33 percent of all births) in 2000 occurred out of wedlock.
• 43 percent of first marriages dissolve within fifteen years; about 60 percent of divorcing couples have children; and approximately one million children each year experience the divorce of their parents.
• Over 3.3 million children live with an unmarried parent and the parent's cohabiting partner. The number of cohabiting couples with children has nearly doubled since 1990, from 891,000 to 1.7 million today.
• Fathers who live with their children are more likely to have a close, enduring relationship with their children than those who do not. The best predictor of father presence is marital status. Compared to children born within marriage, children born to cohabiting parents are three times as likely to experience father absence, and children born to unmarried, non-cohabiting parents are four times as likely to live in a father-absent home.
• About 40 percent of children in father-absent homes have not seen their father at all during the past year; 26 percent of absent fathers live in a different state than their children; and 50 percent of children living absent their father have never set foot in their father's home.
• Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to use drugs, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse, and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.
• From 1960 to 1995, the proportion of children living in single-parent homes tripled, from 9 percent to 27 percent, and the proportion of children living with married parents declined. However, from 1995 to 2000, the proportion of children living in single-parent homes slightly declined, while the proportion of children living with two married parents remained stable.
• Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.

Source: www.fatherhood.org/fatherfacts/topten.htm

More Facts

Fact # 1

From 1960 to 1990, the percentage of children living apart from their biological fathers more than doubled from 17 percent to 36 percent. If this rate continues, by the turn of the century nearly 50 percent of American children will be going to sleep each night without being able to say good night to the dads. 1

Fact # 2

Children who grow up with only one of their biological parents (nearly always the mother) are disadvantaged across a broad array of outcomes… they are twice as likely to drop out of school, 2.5 times as likely to become teen mothers, and 1.4 times as likely to be idle – out of school and out of work – as children who grow up with both parents. 2

Fact # 3

Fifty-two percent of all adolescents aged twelve to sixteen who were living with separated, divorced, or remarried mothers had not seen their fathers at all in more than a year, and only 16 percent saw their fathers as often as once a week. 3

Fact # 4

For girls who’s fathers are not involved, many positive character and personality traits fail to be developed. Girls deprived of strong relationships with their fathers tend to grow up with the perception that men are irresponsible and untrustworthy. As adolescents they commonly become obsessed with heterosexual relationships. In a desperate search for substitute forms of male affection, some have inappropriate sexual contacts, become overly dependent on men, and allow men to take advantage of them. 4

Opinion # 1

Dad, don’t try to fix your daughter. Relate to her. Get to know her. Stop trying to solve your daughter’s problems. She doesn’t want you to fix anything. She just wants you to understand. 5

Opinion # 2

It is easier to build a child, than to repair an adult. 6

Opinion # 3

There is nothing wrong with success in and of itself. But to obtain it at a time or in a manner that requires sacrificing our relationships with our children is far too dear a price to pay. 7

1 David Popenoe. 1996. Life Without Father: Compelling new evidence that fatherhood and marriage are indispensable for the good of children and society. New York, NY: The Free Press, pp.2-3

2 Sara S. McLaanahan. 1994. “The Consequences of Single Motherhood.” The American Prospect, 18:48-58, esp. 49.

3 Frank Furstenberg, Jr. and Christine W. Nord. 1985. “Parenting Apart: Patterns of Childbearing After Marital Disruption.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 47(4):893-905.

4 David Popenoe. 1996. Life Without Father: Compelling new evidence that fatherhood and marriage are indispensable for the good of children and society. New York, NY: The Free Press, p.159

5 Kevin Leman. 2000. What a Difference a Daddy Makes: The Indelible Imprint f Dad Leaves on His Daughter’s Life. Nashville, TN: Tomas Nelson, p. 83

6 Audrey Jeanne Roberts. 1997.

7 Michael Farris, 2004. What a Daughter Needs from Her Dad: How a man prepares his daughter for life. Bloomington, MN: Bethany House, p.24

What Is A Father?

"Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father." - Lydia M. Child

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was." - Anne Sexton

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection."- Sigmund Freud

A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.

"A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father."-- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right." - Bill Cosby

So You're Going to be a Dad

Marriage and fatherhood are two of the most exciting things that can happen to a man… but getting married and becoming a Dad are like getting hit over the back of the head with a semi-trailer.

Enter author and speaker Dr Peter Downey, a self-confessed “ordinary bloke”, husband and dad who put pen to paper to write three "survival guides" for men who find themselves about to take the plunge into the often scary world of weddings, marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, and life with babies and toddlers. His best-selling books, (published internationally by Simon and Schuster and Fisher Books) are well known for their practical advice and down-to-earth style. Here is an excerpt from his latest book, So You're Going to be a Dad.

Before we go further, I must make one point clear. The point is this. Childbirth is PAINFUL. Very. Very painful. God was not kidding when he said, "With pain you will give birth to children."

There is nothing in a man's natural span of life that even comes close to the searing agony which accompanies a baby tearing itself from its mother and into the world. Sure, there are industrial accidents involving heavy machinery and testicles, but there is nothing that inevitably lies in our biological routine. Unfortunately, we have fallen victim to pathetically unrealistic television portrayals of labour. These tend to convince us that labour is little more effort than a rigorous afternoon aerobics session. The hapless woman pants a few times, blows a few breaths between clenched teeth and then with a herculean effort and a final gasp, the screaming baby is born. The woman has merely shed a light sweat.

This is crap. Total and utter crap. If you think about it, childbirth is like trying to push a camel through the eye of a needle. The camel is very big. The needle is very small. The needle will experience a lot of pain. There is no such thing as painless childbirth. This concept only exists in the mind of males who are timelocked in the fifties. A few months ago, a friend of mine lent me a cassette - it was one of those motivational ones by some American business guru. There is one phenomenal part of the tape where he says in a thick Texan drawl, "With thuh burth of mah furst chahld, my wahf and ah had uh paaynless layburr." I played this to my wife. She didn't think it was very funny.

I mean, not only did this fool believe that labour could be naturally painless, but he also had the audacity to assume that it was his labour as well. Although I'm not a medical giant, I am a veteran of almost three births now and think its fairly safe for me to claim that generally speaking, childbirth is not really very physically painful for the male.

That is, unless your wife grabs a soft fleshy bit and twists it just to let you know how she's feeling. This next story may help you come to terms with the pain of childbirth. Soon after I found out that my wife and I were going to be parents, I naturally became quite inquisitive and anxious about the whole labour process. But aside from textbooks, I had no source of information.

Then, one day at an afternoon tea, we met an old friend who had just had a baby herself. What a perfect opportunity ! Unashamedly, and in retrospect stupidly, I opened our conversation by asking her if childbirth was "painful". The look on her face betrayed the fact that quite clearly she knew that I was the most stupid man on earth. Fixing me in her steely stare, she began our conversation: "Imagine that you are holding an umbrella." Mmmm, OK so far, I thought to myself. "Now," she said, pausing for dramatic effect, "insert it into your penis."

At this, my legs involuntarily crossed and my eyes began to water. I tried to break eye contact, but she could see that her words were cutting me like a knife. She held me in her gaze and pushed on mercilessly. "Now open the umbrella," she hissed. With alarm bells clanging loudly in my head, I staggered to my feet in a feeble attempt to escape the anguish I felt in my groin. But there was no escape. She grasped my arm and snarled in my ear, "Now pull it out. Yank it.... hard." She was revelling in the paralysing effects of her words. And her words had had the desired effect. "That's what childbirth is like," she snickered as I hobbled off. In that one single moment, I had a slight glimmer of the pain of childbirth. Taken from "So You're Going to be a Dad" See www.peterdowney.com

Convey your affection in minutes flat.

So we have to figure out quick ways to show our deep, abiding love for our kids without actually having to interact with them much. Here are a few ideas for maximizing the "you matter" message in minimal minutes.

Leave a Note

If you're up and out before they get up, leave messages in their cereal bowls. Before they can read, a funny drawing will do. And after, even a one-liner is proof that Dad was thinking of them. That, all by itself, is a paternal endorsement. It makes them feel important…to you.

Get Sleepy With Sendak

I know, you'd much rather catch the end of Cards-Cubs, but make yourself read to them in bed before they go to sleep–just for 10 minutes or so, five nights out of seven. First, once you surrender to it, it actually is relaxing; a kid in the crook of your arm lowers your blood pressure. Second, the physical closeness synchs heartbeats and knits you together. Third, books are a common ground, which isn't easy to find between little children and grown men. And finally, they'll get better grades later on, so you'll spend less money on tutors.

Be Traditional

Every Saturday, have breakfast with the kids. It can be pancakes at home—complete with strawberries and M&M's—or a ritual at the diner. "How but in custom and in ceremony," wrote Yeats, "are innocence and beauty born."
Source: By Hugh O'Neill, Best Life, http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=2784267

International Take Your Kids to Work Week

Taking Your Kids Out of the U.S. (New Rules)

Getting or renewing a U.S. passport to travel the world is as simple as getting a couple of photos taken, get proof of citizenship (birth certificate) and a photo ID, scrape up $60 for a new adult passport (age 16 and older), $40 for renewal, and $40 for a child's passport and ask your local post office where the closest location is that is designated to handle passport applications for the State Department.

No regulations or fees have changed in the past year, but this change is coming. General passport information is available 24 hours a day from the National Passport Information Center for a fee of 35 cents a minute, charged to the caller's phone. It takes about seven minutes to hear all of the general information. 900.225.5674. Forms and information also can be accessed from the State Department's Internet site: travel.state.gov and click on Passport Information. You can obtain forms from the web site or at the post office. Bon voyage.

Parental Leave Act

NEW YORK - There were snide comments and many, many jokes. And when Maryland state trooper Kevin Knussman won his four-year legal fight this week against the bosses who denied him parental leave, only a couple of colleagues called to congratulate him. Knussman's victory highlights the rights of working fathers to take time off with their babies. But his isolation shows how balancing a job and a family remains a silent struggle for many men. "Much of the progress is still going on underground," says James Levine, a leading researcher on fatherhood and co-author of the book "Working Fathers."

Fearing - often with reason - that they'll be labeled slackers, fathers cobble together sick days and vacation time to create leave time after a baby is born. When they want to go to a school play, they dash for the door, under cover of attending a "late meeting."

Ben, a New York city money manager and father of a 3-month-old, carefully left his computer on and his desk lamp lit not too long ago when he took his wife to the hospital for a sonogram. "It made it look like I was still there," said Ben, who refused to be further identified, fearing for his career. "Plus, it made me feel better."

Over the years, attitudes have changed. Asked 15 years ago how much unpaid parental leave time was reasonable for men to take, 63 percent of business leaders at large companies said, "none." Even 40 percent of executives at companies with a parental leave policy at the time nixed the idea of actually using it, according to Catalyst, a nonprofit group that studies women in business.

Today, half a million men take some sort of parental leave each year to care for a new child, under the auspices of the 1993 federal Family and Medical Leave Act. That compares with 1.4 million women. A total of 20 million people have taken leave under the federal law, which says all employers with 50 or more workers must allow up to 12 unpaid weeks off to care for a new baby or seriously ill family member. The law also allows workers to use sick time and vacation so they can get paid during their leave.

Knussman, a helicopter paramedic, sued the state police after he was denied 12 weeks paid leave following the birth of his daughter in 1994. He was given 10 paid days off, but sought more time because his wife experienced childbirth complications.

On Tuesday, a jury awarded him $375,000 in damages for mental anguish, in the first sex discrimination case under the Family Leave act. Attorneys for the state police said they may appeal. "There's still a presumption that women are going to be the primary caretaker," said Sara Mandelbaum, an American Civil Liberties Union lawyer who represented Knussman. "Those attitudes are hard to change, especially in a male-dominated organization like the state police."

Some companies do encourage fathers to take parental leaves - and more men are taking them. AT&T offers new parents up to a year, unpaid, with a guaranteed job upon return. About one man takes advantage of the program for every 18 women. That's up from a 1-to-400 ratio a decade ago.

Howard Nathanson, an AT&T computer analyst, says his coworkers and bosses fully supported his decision to take nine months parental leave in 1996. "There was never any grief about this," he said. But for other men, obstacles, both perceived and real, prevent their making use of work-family programs.

Not only do men fear career trouble or teasing if they openly make family a priority, but they feel, sometimes rightly so, that work-family programs are mainly pitched to women.

Money also plays a role. A few companies, including Merrill Lynch and the software maker Lotus Development Corp., offer paid leaves for men. But most don't, and since men are major breadwinners, it's hard for them to take unpaid time off.

Nathanson and his wife, for example, both felt strongly that one parent should be home with their daughter for a year. Since she earns two-thirds of the household income, he stayed home. "Financially, I wasn't burned by the fact that if I took off, there goes the family income," he said.

For now, many men choose to do what they can, when they can. Clark Adams, chief executive officer of Needham, Mass.-based Mulberry Child Care Centers, says fathers pick up or drop off 25 percent of children at the company's 55 centers daily, and more are serving on parent advisory committees.

Still, Knussman is glad he took a stand. After he filed his suit, the state police gave him a full 12 paid weeks off following the birth of his second child.

"Biting the hand that feeds you is never easy," he said by telephone as his daughters giggled in the background. But taking three months off was "just a great, great time. I will never, ever regret that."

• The Times Union : Dads on child leave fear scorn www.timesunion.com/news/story.asp?storyKey=5892newsdate=2/05/99
• FOX News : Law or no law, fathers find it hard to ask for parental leave www.foxnews.com/health/wires2/0205/h_ap_0205_5.sml
• The Salt Lake Tribune : It's Tough for Dads to Take Family Leave, Even When Job Allows It www.sltrib.com/02051999/business/80507.htm
• Lexington Herald-Leader : Men struggle with family, jobs www.kentuckyconnect.com/heraldleader/news/020599/business/docs/05WorkingDads.htm
• The Record Online - New Jersey : A victory for dads www.bergen.com/biz/dads05199902051.htm
• Arizona Daily Star : Balancing work, family hard for many men www.azstarnet.com/public/dnews/080-3729.html
• Sun-Sentinel : A balancing act for dads www.sun-sentinel.com/money/daily/detail/0,1136,8500000000050298,00.html
• FOX News : Fathers fear expressing work-family needs even when programs available www.foxnews.com/health/wires2/0204/h_ap_0204_38.sml
• Augusta Chronicle : Fathers fear expressing work-family needs www.augustachronicle.com/stories/020599/bus_fathers.shtml
  

Where to Put a Fire Extinguisher?

Have a Fire Drill. Each year more than 1,000 youngsters 9 and under die in home fires. To safeguard your family, follow these tips. Make a family escape plan: Draw a floor plan of your house, identify two escape routes from each room, and mark them with Xs. Post the plan on the refrigerator or bulletin board. Choose a meeting place: Pick a safe spot away from the house where family members can meet. Mark this spot on your plan. Hold a dress rehearsal: Adults and children 5 and older should leave immediately using the designated exits. Younger kids should stand by a window and wait for a parent or firefighter to get them. Practice going to the meeting spot and reiterate that each family member should wait there until everyone arrives. Also, be sure to update your escape route regularly. Parents Tips & Tricks

Stepfamilies - The Statistics are Staggering

• One out of two marriages ends in divorce.
• 60% of second marriages fail, according to the U.S. Census Bureau
• 66% of marriages and living together situations end in break up, when children are actively involved, according to Stepfamily Foundation statistics.
• It is predicted that 50% of children in the US will go through a divorce before they are 18.
• Approximately half of all Americans are currently involved in some form of step relationship.
• By the year 2000, according to the Census Bureau, more Americans will be living in step families than in nuclear families.
• About half of the 60 million children under the age of thirteen in this country are currently living with one biological parent and that parent's current partner
• Nearly half of all women, not just mothers, are likely to live in a stepfamily relationship, when we include living-together families in our definition of the stepfamily.

Therefore, we have already become a nation of step-relating individuals. However, most graduate schools of psychiatry, psychology, and social work provide no specific training in dealing with these particular dynamics of stepfamilies. Often, the methods and information appropriate to the nuclear family can be destructive ...if applied to the highly specific dynamics of the stepfamily system. According to Elizabeth Carter, ACSW, Family Institute of Westchester, "Our culture provides no guidelines...It is our experience that this is one of the most difficult transitions for families to negotiate." Carter continues, "Our cultural forms, rituals and assumptions still relate chiefly to the intact, first marriage family, and the most ordinary event, such as filling out a form or celebrating a holiday, can become a source of acute embarrassment or discomfort for members of remarried families." Stepfamily Foundation, Inc., 333 West End Ave, New York, NY 10023 212.877.3244, Fax 212.362.7030/ 24 hour information line 212.799.STEP www.stepfamily.org or Stefamily@aol.com Also, Stepfamily Assoc of Am, 215 Centennial Mall S #212, Lincoln, NE 68508 - 800.735.0329. See books for stepfathers.

1. 2.  Stay Clear of Stay Clear

The trend of strange continues in the facial care category with another product designed to fight acne - pHisoderm 4 way Daily Acne Cleanser (2). It uses the headline "It's better to use" and shows a young woman with a "Zit Be Gone" construction grade disk sander to remove the zits from her face. Has the advertising industry lost its ability to reach our youth creatively without violent or abusive images. Apparently so.

Ouch!  Body Piercing

Where to Pierce:  Oral piercing, the practice of inserting adornments in the tongue (most common site), lips, cheeks or a combination of oral sites would be obsolete if it rested solely in the hands of the American Dental Association. Citing oral piercing as a public health hazard, the ADA passed a resolution opposing the practice. The risk of the procedure includes pain, infection, scarring, a permanent hole or semi-permanent hold, and social stigma. During a tongue piercing a needle is used to insert a barbell-shaped piece of jewelry through the tongue mid line. Symptoms following a piercing may include pain, swelling, infection and increased salivary flow. Healing requires four to six weeks, in the absence of complications. There is no anesthesia during the procedure. The National Institutes of Health have identified oral piercing as a possible conveyance for blood borne hepatitis transmission, says Dr. Timothy Rose, president of the ADA. Other problems associated with oral piercing include tooth trauma, interference with chewing and speaking, hypersensitivity to metals, foreign debris in the piercing site, allergic reactions, altered taste buds and breathing difficulties due to swallowing the adornment. The ADA's resolution calls for ongoing review of scientific literature on oral piercing and public education programs on risk.

The Law:  In California, teens must be 18 years of age (ID required) or have parental permission for body piercing. Piercing establishments are required to register with the state for licensing purposes, as well as have annual health inspections. Inspections check sterilization equipment and piercing tools and help to ensure the cleanliness and safety of each studio. Unregistered practitioners are subject to civil penalties.

If you've given the green light on body adornment or your teen is of legal age, make sure they do their homework. Only a professional should perform the piercing. And, understand the risks: possible transmission of hepatitis, HIV an other blood-borne pathogens. Have the teen locate piercers in the area. Talk with people who have had a piercing done, and find out who did them. Check out examples of a piercer's work. Meet the piercer's clients. Discuss techniques. Ear-piercing guns should never be used to pierce anything other than ear lobes. And, ask questions. A legitimate piercer will be happy to address your concerns. Get concise written instructions for the aftercare of the piercing - before the procedure.

Costs:  The cost of piercing procedures varies widely, but expect to pay between $25 and $45 for above-the-waist piercing, and $35 to $55 for below-the-waist procedures. Jewelry is additional and is available in many styles, but should be smooth with no rough edges and made of inert, nontoxic substances. Surgical stainless steel, pure gold, and titanium are among the choices available for a new piercing. Piercing jewelry is personal and should not be exchanged or reused on others. Make sure you do not receive used jewelry.

The Future:  Today, body art has stamped its legacy on the teens of the '90s. Pierced tongues and navels and shiny adornments stabbed through various body parts are considered desirable. We adults, tough, still find it hard to let our offspring exhibit an individuality that differs from our perceptions of acceptability. As parents, we will take great pleasure in anticipating the trends of our children's children. Our grandchildren will one day torture these body-pierced teens with their own brand of individuality, as each subsequent generation makes its mark on the world. See also Tattoos.

Daddy Track

A Look at IRAs

Answering the Hard Questions

It's our job to interpret the world for our children on a level they can understand. But being an interpreter can be a tall order when we're not comfortable with the very things they are most curious about. And sometimes it can be downright embarrassing, exasperating or frustrating.

To young children, all questions are the same. They're just looking for information. "Why is that lady in the red dress fat?" is no different to a three-year-old than "What's in that pretty box?"

Most parents cringe when their child points out someone with an obvious disability. Be clear, honest and true in your response but don't give any more information than the question requires. And don't reprimand your child for staring or looking at a person with a disability. It's probably your discomfort and you can use their questions to help you learn empathy. How else is a child going to learn about people who are different if they don't ask questions? Besides, the more opportunity a child has to experience difference and diversity, the more accepting and tolerant the child will become as an adult.

Usually the questions we perceive as difficult are the ones that push our buttons, the ones that make us aware of our own anxieties. It is vitally important for parents to make the effort to control their emotions and not project their own fears and discomfort on to their children. We often want to shelter our children from unpleasant subjects like homelessness, poverty, death and violence. Children learn more than we wish they did from radio and TV, from talking to friends and from observing people on the street. If we don't answer their questions, it leaves a void that children will fill with their own imaginations. When that happens, children frequently come up with scenarios or fantasies about themselves because they have no other context for their concerns. If they see someone begging on the street, it's easy to imagine themselves in the same situation and become scared.

What should I teach about strangers? The relentless media coverage of the Kevin Collins and Polly Klaas cases had a deep impact, raising fears in parents as well as children. When questions about such cases arise, parents have an opportunity to both educate and reassure their children. Putting the Polly Klaas case into perspective is important. Although you can't make a blanket promise that nothing like this will happen to them, abductions are quite rare.

Strike a balance between concern for personal safety and raising children who are afraid to go out into the world. You don't want them to become so frightened that they assume anybody who says "good afternoon" is going to do them harm. On the other hand, you don't want them to be so trusting that they disregard potential risks.

Make a clear rule that you and your child really stick to: Do not talk to strangers unless Mom or Dad is right there. The key is to teach children to recognize the unlikely but real danger a stranger might pose, while still allowing them to exchange pleasantries in safe situations.

When your child asks difficult questions, it's important not to deny or belittle the feelings that prompted the question. The goal is to respond honestly giving children the tools they need to feel empowered rather than helpless.

We're Going to Prison to Find Out How to be Better Fathers

In Fathering, First Things First

When we started the route, Ben was not quite a toddler but more a teeterer and lurcher, requiring his own security force. During my weeks home with him, we did a lot of veering from wall to wall. We also spent hours crawling around on the floor playing, singing and dancing. We dug lots of holes in the dirt, started a garden, captured whole nations of snails under the nasturtium and released them into someone else’s yard after intense interrogations. We sat on the sidewalk watching the ants go marching one by one, hurrah! Sallying forth into the neighborhood, architecture, trees, shrubs and flowers became the objects of our affection. We rated displays in store windows, made friends with the local merchants, examined imported objects from everywhere, studied trucks, cars and bicycles. I was his trusty steed as he happily rode my shoulders and hips through successive adventures. In the playgrounds, the magic of the swing, the ball, the stick, the flag and the kite became known to us. We splashed and squealed through countless baths together and often took naps so deep, the thunder god himself couldn’t wake us.

These were days of pure poetry. They gave Ben a much stronger start in life than most of his little playmates. They gave me immeasurable gratification and growth as a man and, I’m convinced, broadened my ultimate capacity for assertiveness and entrepreneurship much later downstream when I finally did focus on my career. For my money, deep, connected fathering is a far better school for business leadership development than Harvard or Wharton. What’s more, we don’t necessarily owe our kids $40,000 a year college educations…certainly not if we’re going to sacrifice a critical phase of our relationship with them to save for it. What we owe them is a great childhood from the earliest moment. If we give them that, they’ll make their way in the world just fine, with or without an Ivy League diploma.

Bob Kamm is an author, poet, songwriter and family-friendly business consultant. This article is adapted from his book new book, Real Fatherhood: The Path of Lyrical Parenting. He is also author of The Superman Syndrome: Why the Information Age Threatens Your Future and WhatYou Can Do About It. www.realfatherhood.com

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Life doesn't come with an instruction book. That's why we have fathers.

You're never too old to hold your father's hand. - Gordon Clay

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