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Does Praise Help our Kids?
We hear a lot about how important it is to praise
your kids. We should let them know how great they
are at everything they do, right?
Wrong.
The problem with this notion is that at some
point, your kids come into contact with the real
world. Your kids will start to notice that their
drawings aren’t really “great,” when
compared to someone else’s drawings.
In fact, your kids will hear the words,
“great job” about six million times in
their lifetime. After awhile, this kind of praise
loses its’ impact. Praising your kids adds on
to a world already filled with judgment. And while
occasional praise isn’t a problem, it’s
the steady supply that is. A parent’s job is
to help their kids be more aware of themselves, and
more aware of their own preferences. Because when
they go to school, when they compete in sports, and
when they spend time with their friends,
there’s constant judgment about who’s
better, smarter, or more popular. And this judgment
clouds a child’s ability to be aware.
Your kids will be getting a good dose of
judgment from all these places, so it’s
helpful to provide a place at home where they can
escape some of it. And you can do this by holding
back your own judgment on them, and by being
curious.
My kids would often comment on how well they
could do something.They’d say, “I’m
no good at drawing people,” or “I
can’t shoot a basketball.” I would
usually start asking them questions about it. What
was it specifically that they didn’t think
they could do? What happens when they try to do it?
What did they like about this activity? This last
question was an important thing to ask them. When
we could focus on exactly what they liked about it,
they could see the activity from a different
angle.
Many parents will try to convince their child
that they are “good enough,” and this
usually gets you an argument you can’t win.
“No, I’m not!” is a difficult belief
to argue against.
Praising your kids can condition them to seek
approval. Instead of doing things for themselves,
they try to impress others. Your kids can begin to
depend on outside opinion, rather than listening to
their own voice. When this happens, you’ll
notice that your kids are becoming
“pleasers.” Instead of finding joy in
what they do, they become addicted to the
compliments and praise that can come their way.
But when it doesn’t come, they feel
lousy.
Praising your kids doesn’t create kids who
are committed to doing better, and who feel good
about the things they do. It does help create kids
who are committed to receiving more praise. And it
can help create kids who are less self-motivated to
develop their skills, and to try new things.
So if praising your kids isn’t effective,
what should you do? There are certainly times when
you’d like to delight in what they’re
doing, and to give them feedback. It’s
possible to give your kids positive feedback, and
show your appreciation for what they’re doing,
without using praise. Avoiding praise doesn’t
mean you have to withhold the love you have for
your kids! But there is a way to encourage your
kids in a more effective manner. Here are some
ideas:
• Ask them to judge things themselves:
Rather than constantly telling them how you feel
about what they’ve done, ask them how they
feel about it. “What do you think about this
drawing you made?” or, “How does that
seem to you?” are great questions to ask.
• Use “I” statements, don’t
label your kids: If my child draws a picture, you
can respond to it by saying, “I like how you
mixed the blue and green colors here.” If they
play a soccer game, you can say, “I noticed
how hard you ran out there,” rather than,
“You’re a good player.” This stays
focused on what you noticed, not on labeling your
child.
• Ask them curious questions that allow
them to share their experience: When your child
makes something, ask them about how it was for
them. “How did it feel to make this?” or
“How did you think of putting these things in
your picture?” are perfect questions. They
allow your child to share their experience with
you.
• Focus on the child’s own joy in what
they do: Kids have a natural desire to become
better. Our job is to foster that internal drive to
get better, by helping our kids know what they
enjoy about what they do. If I say, “Wow, how
was that? You looked like you had fun,”
I’ve allowed my child to focus on what it was
he or she liked about the activity. And if they can
focus on what they enjoy, they’re more likely
to keep learning, and having fun!
When your kids can get more of a sense of the
“journey” and not the destination,
they’ll be a lot happier. And they’ll
spend a lot less time in judgment of
themselves.
When your message is genuine, good things tend
to happen. So don’t feel as though you can
never praise your child. Just make sure your
feelings are clear when you speak to your kids.
Remember your kids will get thousands of
judgments and offerings of praise. And make sure
you know that praise will not help create a young
man or woman who has a strong and lasting sense of
self-esteem.
But your educated, genuine, and enthusiastic
responses to them will.
© 2008 Mark
Brandenburg
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To this day I can remember my father's
voice, singing over me in the stillness of the
night. - Carl G. Jung
Mark has
a Masters degree in counseling psychology and has
been a counselor, business consultant, sports
counselor, and a certified life and business coach.
He has worked with individuals, teams, and
businesses to improve their performance for over 20
years. Prior to life and business coaching Mark was
a world-ranked professional tennis player and has
coached other world-ranked athletes. He has helped
hundreds of individuals to implement his coaching
techniques. Mark specializes in coaching men to
balance their lives and to improve the important
relationships in their lives. He is the author of
the popular e-books, 25
Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent
Fathers
 ,
and Fix
Your Wife in 30 Days or Less (And Improve Yourself
at the Same Time
).
Mark is also the publisher of the “Dads
Don’t Fix your Kids” ezine for fathers.
To sign up, go to www.markbrandenburg.com
or E-Mail
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