Women Don't Lie,
Men Don't Listen

Does Jack Nicholson ever Dump One Babe for Another?

Hey Doc,

First off, let me say that “The System” is brilliant, but I hope you can help me fix my problem so I don’t have to use it.

I’ve known Tori over a year, since she started working as a server at the restaurant where I’m a bartender. Right off we had a great friendship. We hung out all the time and had fun being together. A couple months later she told me she had feelings for me and wanted to know if I’d be interested in dating her. At the time I was in a long-distance relationship with Laurel, so I told her I couldn’t. Tori said it was cool, but she kept pursuing me anyway. I have to say it was a nice ego boost to have her pretty much throwing herself at me. Before I go any further, you should know that the whole time I had feelings for Tori as well, but I don’t cheat. One night when Tori and I were at a party she pulled me aside and told me she loved me. I told her that I had feelings for her too, but that I was still with Laurel.

Finally I broke off with Laurel so I could be with Tori. I realized that I was in love with her and had been for some time. I went over to Tori’s house to tell her how I felt, only to find out she was seeing a guy named Dustin! Their relationship didn’t last long, but I questioned what I was doing. Anyway, shortly afterwards Tori and I started holding hands and acting the way couples do.

Then I had to travel out of the country. Tori was upset about it and I didn’t know how to make her feel better. I got into an accident overseas and ended up spending two weeks in the hospital. I called Tori as often as I could. When I got home I poured my heart out to her, telling her I loved her and that I would give her the world.

Well, Doc, she told me she didn’t feel the same about me anymore! I was crushed and still am. She still likes to cuddle with me and she calls me sometimes, but she runs hot and cold. I am in love with her but I’m not sure what to do with this back and forth stuff. I know she has a lot of stress in her life, and I want to help her with it. Please Doc, tell me what’s going on in her mind. Is there any way to fix this relationship? I’m even thinking I made a mistake in dumping Laurel.

Donovan - who lost everything

Hi Donovan,

All I had to do was read the first sentence of your letter to know exactly where you are: you know absolutely nothing about women.

When Tori asked if you were interested in dating her, you should have said “Can you give me a little while to think about it,” and then smiled at her. Because you were rebuffing her, even though her interest was incoming. This is what most male egos can’t grasp. But it takes patience to deal with incoming interest properly, because you have to withdraw rather than push the girl away.

Dude, Tori kept pursuing you because you were a CHALLENGE. This is great! This is exactly what you want to happen. This IS “The System” at work. So it turns out that you are using the book – at least so far.

So it’s no surprise that this girl was throwing herself at you. To you Psych majors, when their Interest Level is in the 90s, they’re little girls. And good for you that you don’t cheat.

When Tori told you she loved you, you should have said “For how long?” or “Is that the best you can do? That’s not much, honey!”

But you ended up talking about Laurel and the fact that you loved Tori. So you made two enormous blunders: you got all serious and talked about other women and your feelings. Instead of that, you should have impersonated Jim Carrey and had fun with Tori.

Then you went even further. You deep-sixed Laurel only to make the discovery that Tori was seeing Dustin. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “And that was the good part. The bad part is that’s he’s the only one you know about!”

Oh, by the way. Was Dustin’s relationship with Tori as brief as yours? Because you’re out with her, in case you don’t know it.

Laurel isn’t acting like part of a couple, pal. She uses you in case of emergency, or loneliness, or when there’s nothing on TV that night or if there’s no food in the fridge. And you’re “Mister Happy To Be There.”

You mean to tell me that this girl -- who just got rid of Dustin – was upset that you were out of the country? I bet she was doing back flips! Or she was thinking, “Gee, I hope he’s in Mongolia!”

Did it ever occur to you when you were in the hospital to monitor how often Tori called you? Was it every day? Every other day? Never? No, you didn’t. You called her 10 times a day. Here’s where you’re not using “The System,” buddy. This is the antithesis of Challenge. Lying there in the hospital you had nothing better to do than pressure this girl.

You didn’t really tell Tori you were going to give her the world, did you? Yech. I’ll bet that if she were on a plane, she would have had to grab the barf bag.

That’s when you found out that she didn’t feel the same about you. I’m stunned! Like my cousin General Love says, “Maybe you and Dustin ought to get together and swap war stories.”

The back and forth stuff means you have huge, huge problems. What you have to do – and I know this is going to be tough for you – is disappear and hope that Tori’s Interest Level is still in the low 50s.

You want to help Tori with her stress? Why? Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “You’re not here to be her therapist or her pastor. You’re here to raise Interest Level.” Your job when a date is over is to leave a girl with the same – and hopefully, higher – Interest Level. And THAT’S ALL.

I’ll tell you what Tori’s thinking: doesn’t this guy get the hint?

This relationship can’t be fixed. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “The best you can hope for now is to leave Sin City with as much money as you came with.”

You did make a mistake dumping Laurel. She was a good girl and she liked you. And what did you do? You snuck around with another girl. You knew you had feelings for Tori and you should never have tempted yourself. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You say you don’t cheat, but you’re not really loyal, my son.”

In the future be honest with yourself and keep your mouth shut. Because the first time you say, “I love you” it usually means you’re history down the road.

Remember, guys: try to allow them to chase you.

© 2009, DocLove Dot Com 

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I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi Pirandello

Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is the author of the Master Series, available at www.doclove.com Archives for 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, and 2000.

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