Women Don't Lie,
Men Don't Listen

Would Mick Jagger have a Problem if She Cheated?

Hey Doc,

I just became your fan a week ago when looking for coaching regarding my recent breakup with my girlfriend.

Destiny is 21 and I’m 30. When we met she didn’t want to go out with me because of the age difference and because she wanted to keep seeing her ex-boyfriend and be free to meet new guys. I told her that she could do whatever she wanted, but that I was just going to show her what type of guy she was going to let go.

It worked. She immediately dug me and for three months we had the greatest relationship. She was constantly telling me how lucky she was to have me, she’d beg me to never stop loving her, and she even made me sign a virtual contract saying that I would never leave her.

Then she went to Russia to do some volunteer work. She told me she was sorry to leave but that she’d be back soon and we would be together forever. I was the happiest man alive. When she was in Russia, she told me by phone and e-mail that she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. She even told me she couldn’t live without me.

Well, when Destiny came back she was completely different. She became so inexplicably distant that when I’d touch her she would make as if I were Quasimodo. Her kisses were empty. She told me she’d changed, and that she needed space to come back gradually and would have to fall in love with me all over again. I waited a week, but she was still treating me super cold. When I asked her what happened, she said that we weren’t a couple anymore, that we would never be together again, that she wanted to be free, travel, and meet guys and that she couldn’t do it with me because she would be unfaithful.

Since I had her password, I checked her e-mail and sure enough, there it was -- a letter from her to a guy she met in Russia, telling him that she broke up with me, how happy she was that she wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, and that she only loved me because she’d needed to be loved but when she got what she wanted from me she lost all interest.

Doc, I’m still very much in love with Destiny and I already forgave her for cheating on me. What I want to know is this: if we were so much in love and our relationship was so great, how could she let everything go down the drain for a guy she won’t even see because he’s so far away? What did I do wrong? When you talk about Interest Level, is it the same as love? How could love die so quickly?

Hector - who’s heartbroken in New York

Hi Hector,

Destiny’s 21 and you’re 30? Right off the bat you’re in TROUBLE, man. Remember what I’ve told you about a million times before? When they’re 18 to 22 they’re nothing but TROUBLE. But you’ve just discovered me so you have an excuse. If you’re 30, you should be with a 27- to 30-year-old.

Now if Destiny wants to see her ex and meet new guys, right there she was telling you loud and clear that you’re out FOREVER. Gee, it was nice of you to tell the girl that she could do what she wanted. You mean as if she wouldn’t anyway? You mean you gave her permission? Think about it now: this girl is not interested in you and you’re giving her permission to do what she wants. I smell a little bit of Macho Boy in you, Hector.

When Destiny was all over you, you still shouldn’t have signed that so-called virtual contract. When you did, you completely gave away CHALLENGE.

Then she traveled all the way to Russia. Long-distance relationships don’t work, my friend. There’s no other way to say it. And like my cousin Sal “the Fish” Love says, “She was sorry she had to go, but not sorry enough to stay.”

Sure you were the happiest man alive when she said you’d be together forever – temporarily. And don’t forget, like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Yo, dawg, if she couldn’t live without you, she wouldn’t be in Russia.”

When she came back stateside, Destiny didn’t completely change. You’re going out with a baby. She’s 21, dude. And by the way, Quasimodo, you shouldn’t be touching this girl anyway,

Destiny can’t fall in love with you again. Once Interest Level drops below 50%, you’re OUT, guy. You waited a whole week before you got in touch with her? Wow – what Self-Control! Hector, you should have waited a year. And you should have erased her e-mails and not talked to her until she was banging on your door and begging on her knees to see you.

Now let me get this straight. After Destiny told you that she needed to travel, date a million guys, wanted nothing to do with you ever again, and warned you that she was going to be unfaithful, you mean it still didn’t sink in that you were dumped? I guess she wasn’t obvious enough. She was just kind of beating around the bush, right?

Listen to Destiny’s own words: when she got what she wanted, she lost all interest. To you Psych majors, when you’re an open book, predictable and too available, they all lose interest.

But you were big enough to forgive Destiny for cheating on you. How on earth do you forgive someone for cheating on you? It’s impossible. Know why? To forgive and forget are the same things, and you will never forget what she did. And if she did take you back, four to six months down the line you’d be thinking about what she did over and over and over again. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Some things never stop preying on your mind.” And like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Unless a woman is loyal, she’s worthless.”

You were head over heels in love, Hector – she wasn’t. She’s just a little girl fooling around with as many guys as possible. Now you know what she volunteered to do in Russia – kiss another guy! And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Just think – the new guy is on the other side of the world and he’s ahead of you!”

What did you do wrong? Everything. You came on too heavy too fast and you gave away the store like 90% of the men out there.

Yes, Interest Level is the same as love. At one time this girl had high Interest Level in you, but you blew it by being too mushy.

Hector, you should have found me sooner and memorized my materials. Now it’s too late. But you’ll be better prepared to deal with the next girl.

Finally, like my cousin General Love says, “Love didn’t die quickly. It died in Russia.”

Remember, guys: if you don’t go in slowly, your destiny is to lose her.

© 2007, DocLove Dot Com 

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Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Archives for 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, and 2000.

DocLove will answer all of your romantic love questions from a man’s perspective. So set your ego aside, learn to laugh at yourself, and visit www.doclove.com or E-Mail or call me at 800.404.2644 and I will give you a snappy answer to your silly love question – one loaded with truth. You do what I say, and Miss Right will rob banks for you. When I get done with you, you will need more security than Julio Iglesias. However, to protect the guilty, I promise to not use your real name, or give it out. All questions will be answered, but only the ones of general interest printed. Please be specific and don’t ramble.

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