Humor

Menstuff® includes here some "humorous" depiction's of pertinent information.


Why women need men 0:19
Metal Detector :46
Coke :30
Wii 1:25
Hottest Commercial Even!!!! 2:59

 

Nadia Kamil Does Burlesque
Why can't burlesque express whatever you want it to express?
3:58
2:28

An Honest R&B Song

2:21
Louis CK at the Montreal Comedy Festival
Clean your balls
Straight Guys Vs. Gay Guys: Awkward Moments
If Guy Roommates Acted Like Girl Roommates
1:49
2:28
Teenage Slang Explained By Clueless Adults
Asking Strangers to Have Sex
Asking 100 Girls For Sex In Las Vegas
A Guided Meditation

Talk to the Hand - Nina Conti
7:26
1:14:42
Live at The Apollo
Full Show
/

15 hilarious parenting comics that are almost too real.
Who does it better? Miami Dolphins cheerleaders vs. Afghanistan troops
AXE Detailer Cleans Your Balls
Need glasses? YouTube humor See More
Who Really Controls America? - George Carlin.
Ladies, do men really look like this? - Robin Williams
New sports events suggested for the Olympics
Gay scientists isolate Christian gene
Why Men Don't Get Depressed
SEX
Punography
Plumber's Crack
Does circumcision have any benefits?
FBI to use Non-Intrusive System to Track Your Internet Usage
In the Beginning . . .
Freudian Slips
Minions
Wardrobe Malfunction
10 Funniest Fitness Videos of All Time
Create Your Own Warpped View of Two Media Icons
The Differences Between Women and Men
She Said, He Said
Why Women Have Two Hands (For mature audiences only)
Why Men Have Two Hands (For mature audiences only)
Bullshit Bingo
Burma Shave
Breast Feeding
Things My Mother Taught Me
The Ancient Goddess Barbie: Historical Views from the Year 5000
Cleared for Take-Off - Fun Stuff on the Net
Retiring Moil
Sex for Dummies Exam
Latest on Weapons of Mass Destruction
Why English is Hard to Learn
Which Job for You?
Homophobes
The First Circumcision - 15,000 years ago …
American Women Become Anti-Terrorists
Priceless
If Men Had...
Lumbersexual - Anonymouse Is AWoman
Fun Facts
Men do stupid things with ladders
Non-Sexist Jokes

Then there's Louis CK

Books

Coming
Out
Insurance
A Bad Day at the Office 
Before
After
Click on photo for actual YouTube version.

 


Every since two compuer geeks (Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith) creative Kelly LeBrock in the movie Weird Science, young scientists have been trying the test-tube approach.

Create Your Own Warped View of Two Media Icons


Take a creative break. Visits the following sites for some "warpped" creative fun.Warp Briteny Spears at www.allfunnypictures.com/warp/spears.html and warp George W at www.allfunnypictures.com/warp/bush.html

 

Who does it better? Miami Dolphins cheerleaders vs. Afghanistan troops


Sure, we know the Carly Rae Jepson lipdub thing is soooo 2012, but who can resist a showdown between troops and cheerleaders? Not us. Just call it retro and enjoy. Direct short cut to video at http://bit.ly/13Kvzgf.

3:14

Once again the women are restricted by Facebook policy from going topless like the guys. How unfair. Many women get turned on by men's breasts, especially their nipples. Where is the "Moral Majority". Probably hiding under their hypocritical rock.

The Differences Between Women and Men


Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman name Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anyone else. And the, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it out loud:  "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh, six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily forward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means..lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am WAY overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs!

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this,: she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...Oh gosh, I feel so..."  She breaks down sobbing.

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?"  Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)  "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time,: says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps unlit dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Source: From Dave Barry's Guide to Guys.

She Said, He Said


Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

Yankees lost. But the sex was great.

The Ancient Goddess Barbie: Historical Views from the Year 5000


By Link. Author's Note: Read this only if you consider laughter a sincere form of worship!

In the year 5000, historians will seek to patch together traces of the past, to discover what life was like in today's current era. Here's one humorous view of what they might find:

We are proud to announce that archaeologists have made a major discovery explaining religious practice in the 1990's, over three thousand years ago! These discoveries help us better understand the myths and Traditions which have been handed down over the years, and still survive today within the popular cult of the Goddess Barbie. This tradition is one of the fastest growing groups of modern-day Goddess worship. Archaeologists have discovered that Barbie worship dates back to ancient times. Figures of the Goddess Barbie have been unearthed, preserved in their images of Barbie in a material known as plastic. It was known at the time that plastic did not decay to the elements over time and was nearly everlasting! Because of this, it is obvious to our research team that those items made of plastic were held in the highest regard by the ancient culture of the 1990's. They surely wanted to preserve these items for eternity!

Research shows that ancient priestesses of Barbie were initiated at a very young age. The initiation ceremony involved a complex litany, which lasted several weeks, usually prior to the Winter Solstice. Young daughters would chant at length to their parents, repeating over and over the praises of Barbie, stating their desires for the Goddess to enter their lives. While these chants varied from priestess to priestess, the words "I Want" are common to many of the evocations. Later, after initiation, additional chants focused on a wide variety of magical tools and altar accessories used by the Goddess Barbie in Her temple.

Images of the Goddess Barbie show Her in many aspects. For example, She was portrayed as a Solar Deity in Her Malibu Barbie aspect. This explains the modern-day custom of Barbie worshippers donning colored glasses and anointing themselves with special protective lotions to celebrate the Summer Solstice!

It is known that ancient religions sometimes masked their Deities within the Saints of ancient Catholicism. Researchers are certain this explains the name used for an ancient West Coast village known as Santa Barbara, perhaps a Mecca for Barbie worshippers.

Each Barbie figurine also held strange numerical markings, $24.99. This explains the current custom where Barbie worshippers tattoo themselves with this number! It was obviously the number most sacred to the Goddess. The $ symbol was used in many ways by the ancient culture, and was considered both a scourge and salute to religious society.

It was also discovered that ancient Barbie had a consort known as Ken. Close examination of plastic Ken figures explain why today's modern Barbie worshippers allow only eunuchs to participate in religious rites, with no other males allowed. Since many fewer Ken figures were found, we can assume that the ancient Barbie worshippers were a matriarchal tradition.

Our team of linguistic researchers has determined through study of the ancient language that Ken was renowned in many parts of the world. This explains the origins of ancient places like Kenya, Kentucky and even the variation of Canada.

An in-depth study of the Ken mythos also links Him to the ancient clan known as Kennedy. Note the amazing facial similarities! Stories surrounding this ancient Kennedy cult seem to be a unique mixture of the "slain God" stories (similar to the Egyptian Osiris) and the revelry of the Roman Bacchus. This seems to fit all three aspects of the Triple Kennedy myth. Other research shows a related figure, an ancient warrior God known as GI Joe. Since GI Joe had no known female consort, and was also a eunuch, it is obvious that both Joe and Ken competed for the Goddess Barbie. One theory links this to the surviving Oak King/Holly King myths of earlier times.

Researchers also uncovered other mythical characters, known as Shakespeare, Einstein, Gandhi, and Ralph Nader. But since the ancient culture held these in much lower relative importance than Barbie, they obviously were mere minor demigods of the era. We are thrilled to have discovered these Old ways, since they shed light upon many unexplained traditions of today. We can use this clear view of history to put our present-day customs in perspective!

After this significant success in discovering the ancient Barbie myths, our archaeological efforts have been approved for additional funding to research the ancient Ninja Turtle myths as well. Since many plastic artifacts of the Ninja Turtles have been found in North America, perhaps they are linked to the ancient Native American cultures of Turtle Island? Only time will tell.

Cleared for Take-Off – Fun Stuff on the Net, Tom General


I intently stare at the green BRITE screen. It’s another “routine” evening at “the position”. I see traffic building up in the west as a dozen flight icons overlap into a maze of indecipherable letters and numbers, somewhere over Chicago. Some of these icons move towards my location, others for transcontinental travel in the Orient. In my space, an entire series of Northwest aircraft queue up for take off at the Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Soon Departure Control is alerting me to expect handoff of these aircraft at 10,000 MSL at the WINGS intersection. No problem, except for all the traffic I’m routing into Pittsburgh and Cleveland are also keeping me very busy this particular evening. I’ve seen no relief in three hours and no one is “stepping up” to take the Cleveland Center “hot seat” to relieve me. Over seeing dozens of aircraft all floating into and out of my airspace wasn’t going to be easy.

I study a lone inbound Northwest flight signified by a moving green icon which states “NWA359 KDTW, 250, 35". I immediately translate the coded information: “Flight NW359, Destination, Detroit Metro Airport, current position 25,000 Ft, speed 350KTS”. I quickly do a calculation and determine the pilot will need 60 nautical miles to get his (or her) aircraft down to Detroit’s initial approach altitude of 10,000 ft. Winds suggest runway 21R is best for arrival.

I transmit the instructions, “NW359, descend and maintain 10,000 ft. Altimeter 30.10, expect runway 21 right tonight.” Soon a minus sign appears next to the flight altitude and the number slowly decrements indicating the DC9’s loss of altitude. In 60 miles the aircraft should level out to 10,000 ft. Soon after that I would hand off the aircraft to Detroit Approach. My buddy Robin is already there and I’ve communicated the transition instructions. NW359 would see a smooth arrival at DTW by our coordinated efforts.

The funny thing about this rather interesting job is, I don’t work for the government, airline, or any flight operation center. In fact, I work for a major copier company. These are hardly the credentials for flight operations person. So what’s the deal here? Well, ever since that really weird scene from “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”, you remember, where the Indiana Air Traffic Control Center is struggling with a curious alien playing “chicken” with our commercial flight operations, I’ve always been curious about those guys who “push tin” for a living. I also always wanted to say, “TWA 355, do you wish to report a UFO?” Of course circumstances pushed me in other professional directions at an early age and my “Close Encounter” days with ATC (Air Traffic Control) weren’t.

But I’d get a second chance this year. With the popularization of the Internet and the ability for so many people to “talk on line” a dedicated group of people who played with programs like “Flight Simulator” saw this “connectivity” as an opportunity to create a virtual cousin to our real world flight operations centers. In 1997 SATCO, the Simulated Air Traffic Control Association was born; created by five “real world pilots” dedicated to bringing simulated air traffic to the net. Microsoft’s Flight Simulator already provided the essential communications base by network enabling its popular aviation program that same year. SATCO then quickly adopted the program for use with its own software and servers. Probably the= most amazing fact in this worldwide organization is it’s free. The entire cost is borne out by the original founders. Now talk about generous!

SATCO provides on line training and support materials for the novice. In some cases they provide direct links to government documents. They are very serious about making the experience authentic. Whenever possible, real operations are used in the virtual world. Virtual controllers will see exactly what their real world cousins do.

Individuals armed with MS Flight Simulator (available at your local software store) can also “play” but, as in the real world, must comply with the SATCO traffic controller’s instructions.

So for me, my “weekend” job is keeping the virtual skies over Midwest America safe for all aviators. Perhaps someday I’ll still have that opportunity to ask a pilot about that UFO sighting – just like in the movie…

Tom General works for a major copier company in Dallas, TX . He happily lives under runway 18L near DFW airport. You can find him manning CLE_CTR on the SATCO network – most nights, and weekends. Link www.satco.org

Punography


I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra and ordered a martini.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington - obviously Bush's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Source: an eMail

Retiring Moil


There's this jewish moil who's just about to retire. Through all of the years, he's been saving the "clippings" of his patients. He then takes these clippings to a local leather shop where he asks if the clippings can be made into anything. I mean he has bags full of clippings. "Come back in a week, we'll have a product ready for you," said the clerk.

The moil returns in a week and asks for his special product. The clerk hands him a pink wallet. Completely befuddled, the moil asks, "How can you only give me this little wallet when I gave you bags and bags of clippings?" The clerk simply replies, "Just rub the wallet... it'll turn into a suitcase."

Does circumcision have any benefits? It sure does!


1. God will love you, or hate you, depends on what -ism you join.

2. Your d*ck will be shorter, that's always a big plus.

3. In Europe, all the women will point and laugh; while in the U.S. just half of them will.

4. You'll have the same chance of getting STDs.

5. You won't have to wear a condom... just kidding!

6. You'll orgasm sooner, women love that.

7. You'll save about 5 seconds cleaning your d*ck every time you shower. Hey, it adds up!

8. You'll feel MORE naked in the men's shower room.

9. Women who have been genitally mutilated will be attracted to you because you can spend quality time together at the victim's support group.

10. You'll have less to play with. That leaves more time for FaceBook and reruns of NCIS.

Tell Me this Won't Happen to Us!!!!



Lost in the Darndest Places:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."

Family
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I can Hear Just Fine!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn' t it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Little Lady
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Down at the Retirement Center
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Old Friends
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Senior Driving
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red ligh ts in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

Tell Me this Won't Happen to Us!!!!

 

Sex for Dummies Exam


Directions: Please complete the following problems. You may use a scratch piece of paper for your calculations which must be turned in with your exam. SHOW ALL WORK! Use only a #2 pencil. You have 20 minutes to complete the exam.

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. [True] or [False]

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. [True] or [False]

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. [True] or [False]

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. [True] or [False]

5. The clitoris is a type of flower. [True] or [False]

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. [True] or [False]

7. Semen is a term for sailors. [True] or [False]

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. [True] or [False]

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. [True] or [False]

10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. [True] or [False]

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Houston [True] or [False]

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. [True] or [False]

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. [True] or [False]

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. [True] or [False]

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. [True] or [False]

16. A condom is a large apartment complex. [True] or [False]

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. [True] or [False]

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. [True] or [False]

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. [True] or [False]

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. [True] or [False]

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. [True] or [False]

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. [True] or [False]

23. Pornography is the business of making records. [True] or [False]

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. [True] or [False]

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve." [True] or [False]

Time's up! Put your pencil's down. Turn your results in to your significant other, so they know what they are dealing with.

Why English is Hard to Learn


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Non-Sexist Jokes


This includes jokes that aren't racist, anti-Semitic, etc. In my opinion, this isn't about being politically correct. It's about finding things that we can still laugh at that aren't at someone else's expense. We'd like your feedback and contributions. nonsexistjokes@menstuff.org All of these jokes arrived via the Internet. Authors unknown unless stated.

Kids Talk


Experiencing the world of children through their eyes.

Nudity

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

Honesty

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

Opinions

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

Ketchup

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

More Nudity

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Police #1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked! , "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

Police #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Elderly

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Dress-Up

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Death

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

Frustration

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

Bible

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found" the boy called out. " What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Things You Learn from Kids


For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. or those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

Things I've Learned from My Children...(honest and no kidding.)

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller-blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to raise a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint all four walls of a 20-by-20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up into the air when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane glass) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flintrock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super Glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do!

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful. — True story. One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "Holy shit! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Effects of a Full Moon


I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.

I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.

I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution.

I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.

Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.


The OTHER Wardrobe Malfunction

 

Men are More likely to Have BBL


New research has shown that men are more likely to have belly button lint (BBL) than women. This is the result of a survey conducted by radio station JJJ. More information around the gender bias of BBL (as well as the answer to other intriguing questions like "why is BBL mainly blue?") are available at www.abc.net.au/science/k2/lint

Two Mechanics


Morris was removing the cylinder head from the engine of car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered. "Try doing it with the engine running."

Darwin Award Candidates


1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the last and best . . . . .

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra


10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "Here's the beef!"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Just do her"
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

Groucho Marx had Some of the Best Lines


Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. 

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
 

Anonymouse Is AWoman (Cue excerpt from Monty Python routine) (Editor: The new ultimate drag king.)


Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.

CHORUS

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????

CHORUS

I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspenders?? and a .... a Bra????
(spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a "girlie"? Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

CHORUS

All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy..... (BONG)

Source: www.thebolditalic.com/articles/6235-the-lumbersexual-is-here-to-chop-down-metrosexuals

Worth Thinking About...At Least Once!


Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Someone who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders and travelers checks.

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
 

10 Funniest Fitness Videos of All Time


10. Zsa Zsa Gabor's It’s Simple, Darling
9. Mousercise
8. The Goddess Workout
7. Buns of Steel
6. Jack LaLanne's Facial Exercises
5. Carmen Electra's The Lap Dance
4. Teen Steam: The Alyssa Milano Workout Video
3. Richard Simmons: Sweatin’ to the Oldies
2. E-i-E-i- Yoga For Kids
1. The Marky Mark Workout

Source: www.aolhealth.com/fitness/funniest-workout-videos/?icid=main|htmlws-main-n|dl5|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aolhealth.com%2Ffitness%2Ffunniest-workout-videos%2F

Definitions from "The Cynic's Dictionary"


AUTHOR A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

BOSS A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.

CHILDHOOD The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.

DENIAL How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

EXPERIENCE In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.

FITNESS Salvation through perspiration.

GOURMET A food fetishist.

PROSTITUTE: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.

IDEOLOGUE Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.

LABORATORY ANIMALS Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

MARTIAL ARTS A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semiautomatic.

NEIGHBORS The strangers who live next door. 

PARASITE A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.

QUAGMIRE Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.

 SMILE To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

VOTING The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.

X-RAY A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.

ZOO A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

Travel Agents Tales


The following are actual stories told to travel agents. No wonder the average U.S. citizen generally scores less than the rest of the world on geography.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information they asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from someone who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when I was interrupted with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make them look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."Their response..............click.

Someone was looking for hotel in Los Angeles. They gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had them fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. They thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called them back, they weren't even embarrassed.

A client called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. They said they were expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. They replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from someone who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." They said, "but they look so close on the map."

Another client asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why they wanted to rent a car, they said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice person just called and needed to know how it was possible that the flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but they could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I said the plane went very fast, and they bought that!

I got a client who asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" They replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my Luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting the call on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on the luggage.

I just got off the phone with a client who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked what exactly they meant, to which they replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these d*** planes have numbers on them!!"

A person called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if they meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. They said, "Yea, whatever."

A business person called and had a question about the documents they needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded them they needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, their stay required a visa. When I told them this they said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

 

Things We Can Learn from a Dog


Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always greet them.

When it's in your best interest, pracitice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Run, romp and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enought.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass

When you're happy, dance around and wag your whole body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. 

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
 

Manure...A True Story


In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

 
Is Anyone Home?


"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a woman, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi. Now you say something." 

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?" 

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets." 

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.' 

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." 

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you n the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Titanic Summarized


Scene 1:

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet. 

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying. 

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo!(Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)

Scene 2:

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.

AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo! 

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.

KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.

KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)

Scene 3:

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of drinking.) 

ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good. 

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (Silence.) 

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo? 

Scene 4:

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking. 

KATE: That is terrible.

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?

KATE: Certainly. 

WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me? 

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed. 

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.

Scene 5:

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here! 

(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)

Which Job for You?


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhasuting.

Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wsn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So I retired and I found I am perfect for the job. -- author unknown

In the Beginning . . .


In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?' and Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too, with sprinkles."

And, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.

And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled bleu cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said:" I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought fourth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak---so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went thru the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And Super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created HMO's

Children's Ideas on Science


The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop." 

Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies. 

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. 

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things when people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs. 

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks. 

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways. 

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

 

Signs that Childhood is Over

* Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

* You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

* Your parents' jokes are now funny.

* You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.

* Christmas starts to piss you off.

* You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

* Naps are good.

* Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

* You have onced deemed Space Invaders as 'The best game ever'.

* When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't dispense balloons.

* When things go wrong, you can't just yell, 'Do-over!'

* The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.

* You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

* Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.

* You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

* You WANT clothes for Christmas.

* You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.

* You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

* You've bought an album on vinyl.

* You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

* You read the 'if you were born on this day in 1979 you are of legal age to buy alcohol' sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school dance on that date.

* You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

 

Best Excuses if you get Caught Sleeping in your Cubicle


"It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 

"I was working smarter, not harder."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

"I'm in the management training program."

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

 "Damn! Why did you interupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

 "The coffee machine is broken...."

 "Someone must've put decaf. in the wrong pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"I was cross-training for telecommuting."

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up contact lense without hands."

"The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."

 

 Our Reply:


"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem It just comes intuitively.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn What a great idea. We'll come to your place. 

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"- Linda Ellerbee. We stand for equality. You choose to wear high heals. We do what we can to make a similar jesture.

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."--- Zsa Zsa Gabor So, who says there isn't such a thing as love at first site?

 

The First Parent by Bill Cosby


Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," said God. "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly. "It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly. "I dunno," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance In this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?


Rules for the Use of Urnials


This is a code of Restroom Etiquette that MUST be followed. Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use."

(Sample):

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | (Represents 6 urinals.)

| | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 are occupied.)

Now, identify correctly, based on urinal etiquett.

Easy Section

1.) | | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) Your choice: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.

2.) | x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.) Your choice: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.

Kind of tricky Section:

3.) | | | | | | | (empty) Your choice: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."

4.) | | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) Your choice: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.

Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section

5.) | | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied) Your choice: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!

VERY tricky indeed Section

6.) | x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) Your choice: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! ... use a doored stall.

Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:

The Three Little Pigs, by James Finn Garner


Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area, they each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination. But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both a physical and an ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back. "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture." But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the house of straw had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation. At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!" At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly. He thought to himself: "They are so childlike in their ways. It will be a shame to see them go, but progress cannot be stopped." So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks.

The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkeling, and dolphin shows.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted. "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!" This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations. By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods. The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf.

Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of populists attacked the resort complex with machine guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care, and affordable housing for everyone.

Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing of the story.

Universal prayer


So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, or grumpy, nasty or self-centered. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and then I'm going to need a lot of help. Thank You.

Children's Science Exam Answers.


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

The First Circumcision - 15,000 years ago


High Priest: What a wondrous day! A new child is born to this earth, and a boy, nonetheless!

Man: Yes, High Priest, it is a joyous day indeed. My wife and I give thanks to the gods for his safe birth!

High Priest: Of course, of course. The gods must be thanked. Oh, also, before I forget, I totally had a great idea.

Man: Oh?

High Priest: O.K., so, it’s going to sound a little crazy but hear me out. Promise?

Man: You are our community’s spiritual leader. My wife and I heed and respect your every word.

High Priest: Great. I’d like to cut the top off of your boy’s penis. Cool?

Man: Of course — wait, what?

High Priest: I’m just thinking, ya know, what if we didn’t have this extra skin? I don’t need it, you don’t need it. Let’s do this kid the favor and just snip it off!

Man: HA! High Priest! I always knew you were a man of great wisdom, I hadn’t known you were a man of great HUMOR as well!

High Priest: I don’t even think it would hurt him much.

Man: Oh, you’re serious.

High Priest: Come onnnnn.

Man: This is insane! You’re asking permission to permanently alter my newborn son’s manhood for what? Just to see what happens? Why would I ever, even for a second, consider letting you, a man untrained in any sort of surgical medicine, lay a finger on my precious newborn baby boy? Why would I let anyone, even a High Priest such as yourself, tamper with the gods’ design for my boy’s body? Why would I permit such a savage, incomprehensible ritual never before performed on anyone to be tested out on my son?

High Priest: The gods will it!

Man: Oh, O.K. In that case, sure.

High Priest: Excellent. Also, your eldest daughter has been selected as the sacrifice to honor the Sun God later this month.
Source: http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/03/04/the-first-circumcision/

Banned Commercials


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*    *    *

Gentlemen, why don't you laugh? With the fearful strain that is upon me night and day, if I did not laugh, I should die. -- Abraham Lincoln

Smile - Fresh air is good for your teeth!

Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg.



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