a Man


Three Years of Tears

Dear Dr. Neder

I am hopelessly in love with a girl I met 3 years ago at a concert. She means the world to me! I’d give up the rest of my life to spend one night with her on a more than friend level.

She has a Boyfriend but I truly care for her. I've tried to move on to different girls but I always end up talking to her after the end of the last relationship. She knows how I feel because I’ve told her.

We’ve kissed and made-out and it was magic. She tells me if anything would happen between her and her boyfriend that she would come to me. I feel second best but I don’t care. I only wish she could feel how i feel. Every time i see a picture of them or see them together it hurts.

Is there anything i can do to help make her feelings for me stronger?


There might be, but I fear you've done far too much damage here to fix things.

Think about this: 3 years. It's been 3 years and you never bothered to even learn any of the skills you needed to turn this around. You're sitting there with an unhealthy addiction to this girl rather than having lifted a finger to learn anything. Only now - 3 years later - are you seeking help.

Don't you think this girl sees this? Of course she does! You've just spent the last 3 years proving to her that you're NOT the guy she wants! How are you ever going to turn that around? If you had, she'd have dumped her loser boyfriend for you in a heartbeat. To be honest, she's probably clinging to him even harder now out of fear she'd HAVE to be with you.

I'm not trying to undermine your confidence here; I'm trying to get you to wake the hell up already! Women need very clear, specific things in order to feel attraction for someone. Instead of giving her these things (or even knowing what they are!) you've sat back and waited...and waited and waited for something out side to change rather than being a man and changing them yourself.

Well, here it is 3 years later and NOTHING has changed other than the fact that your addiction for her has grown beyond what is reasonable and is now into cartoon-land. It's pathetic - but for you AND for this poor girl! I feel more sorry for her than I do for you because you seem like a nice guy and she'd probably be very happy being with you, if you could only show her that by doing just about everything you've done so far exactly backwards!

In effect, any feelings she's had for you have probably been destroyed! What it's going to take now, you're very likely not going to do anyway! After all, you've spent the last 3 years not doing them, why should you change? This is going to be far harder than you think it will be.

I know I'm not going to talk you out of this ridiculous situation, but here's what you need to do now: first start by going to my website ( and clicking on "self help". From there; read my FAQ's - in particular about how to turn a friend into something more. Be sure to read the articles. Also read about why boyfriends aren't your problem (actually, for you it IS your problem because you've made it one!)

I also strongly suggest you read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and start learning what this girl (and frankly, ALL girls) need from men. Until you know these things and are able to deliver, you simply have no chance here.

Best regards...

© 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Other Relationship Issues, Books

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Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty

Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World I and Being a Man in a Woman's World II. Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to him by going to: for answers. Check out the discussion group at: . Stay tuned for our new Internet TV Show - BAM TV - starting soon!

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