Making a Move?
My good friend has asked you a few questions and
spoke very highly of the advice you've given him
and the results he's received. Ill take his
word for it, and try to keep this brief, but I do
want to give you the some background.
Im 23 and have a good degree and career.
Two weeks ago, I went on a first date with a young
woman. We live about an hour away. I have known her
and her family for 6 years she is the
younger sister of my best friend; also a girl. In
fact, Ive spent many weekends with their
family, was in my best friends wedding party,
and adore the parents. I think the feelings on that
are all mutual.
My date, who is 21, was dumped by her long-time
boyfriend six months ago. Before the date, I was
warned by that
she still has some
feelings leftover from that. It became clear
on the date that she was still hurting over it. I
was getting mixed body language from her about
making a move and decided that no one
has ever been pepper sprayed for trying to hold
hands and so I went for it. She got a little
uncomfortable, pulled her hand away, and we kept on
The next morning, my date called her sister and
told her how wonderful of a time shed had
with me, but felt uncomfortable that Id
made a move and didnt know what
to do. Knowing me as well as she does, my friend
told her to talk to me about this, and assured her
that Id understand, and would really
appreciate the openness of communication. She told
me she DID want to keep spending time with me, on
the condition that I understood shes in a
romantically anxious place right now,
and that this isnt going anywhere right
at this very moment. I assured her we were on
the same page, that I too wanted to continue
getting to know her, and that
unless she gave me a painfully obvious HOLD
MY HAND, DUMMY sign, Id keep my hands
Since then, weve communicated almost every
day. While this is great, our communication has
been exclusively electronic. Weve only talked
on the phone once, which was when I called to tell
her I was heading over to pick her up. Ive
tried calling her in the past and shell
respond to a voicemail with a text. We text, we
talk on AIM, we talk on Facebook. Shes
forcing some distance but shes told me
why. For the time being Im trying to swim
WITH the tide, rather than against it.
So, here are my questions.
1: Im going to be in her town next
weekend. How far in advance should I let her know
Ill be there? I dont want to seem like
Im planning my trips around her.
2: What should we do? Our first date was dinner
and drinks at her favorite bar. Since this one is
an un-date should I do something that
wont FEEL like a date, or is that not a bad
thing? Should I propose something in the afternoon?
Lunch and butt sex, perhaps? (Oh wait
thats what Im NOT supposed to say to
3: Im desperately afraid Im going to
wind up in the friend zone with her. How do I toe
the line between just being friends for
now and just being friends
4: Is it wise to swim with the tide, and not
push the 'phone call' thing?
Thank you for the wonderful service you provide
here on All Experts. I greatly look forward to the
sage advice my friend speaks so highly of.
Your friend spoke "highly" of the advice he
received here? Hmmm...maybe he didn't understand it
Now, wait just a damn minute here. Holding hands
is "making a move"??? Seriously? Come on here, what
are you two, 12-years old? Holding hands isn't much
of a "move" at all! In fact, kissing isn't a "move"
either! These are very simple, minor-as-hell things
that people who are enjoying each other's company
do. Let's keep things in perspective here!
If she's uncomfortable about this, how
uncomfortable do you think she'd be about sex; let
alone a relationship? If you give this any
credibility whatsoever, you're simply reinforcing
this ridiculous issue! Don't do that - treat it as
the non-issue that it is!
Now, let's deal with this "romantically anxious
place" crap. So what? She's still having problems
with an ex-boyfriend 6 months ago? Seriously - SIX
MONTHS AGO??? Further, why in the hell are you
expected to be this girl's therapist? Why all the
pressure on you to walk on egg shells here - and
none on this girl to grow the fuck up already?? You
are both ADULTS here! You're not children. If she
thinks she is, she is NOT ready to be in ANY
relationship - not even the one that broke up 1/2 a
You are giving all of this far too much credence
and therefore, creating a problem rather than
expecting everyone to start acting like adults
already. What's going to happen next, are you and
your friend going to make a pinky-swear that you
won't try to hold hands with this girl ever
again??? Come on already!
STOP being "Mr. Sensitive" here and start being
the man in this situation! Do you think this girl
(or ANY girl) will ever feel safe and secure with
you if you actually put up with this ridiculous
child's game? Answer: absolutely not! They'll go
find some guy like me that knows better and will
dump your ass for being so dumb. Don't be dumb!
Whew! That felt better...on to your
1) Give her 3-4 days notice. No more than
2) DO NOT go on an "un-date"! DO NOT go hang out
with this girl! If she's now going to be your
buddy, she'll never be anything else to you. Don't
waste your time, money or resources on that. Lunch
and butt sex would be FAR better than this!
Instead, if she has psychological issues, tell her
to go get some counseling, but to grow the hell up
before you get there - and go on a REAL date one of
the nights you're there. That means you're going to
hold her damn hand and kiss her like real adults on
a real date. If she can't handle that, don't waste
your time with her - give her another 20 years to
3) You're already there! This needs to be how
you're going to get out of it, not being afraid
you'll wind up there! You can't be friends now and
something else in the future. If you really get
into that situation, it's game over.
4) Look. I've spent a lot of quality time in
your state. I've done hunting seminars and taking
packs of guys out to meet some incredible girls.
You guys are no different there than we are over
here on the "left coast". YOU on the other hand
want to think somehow you are!
There's no "swimming with the tide" going on
here - this is all about YOU swimming
Dating and building a relationship - even a
potential one - is your job, not hers. If you don't
know how adults date or what your roll should be or
any of 1001 other important points that would make
you think any of this is ok, then I strongly
encourage you to read my books, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World I & II" and learn how things
© 2010, Dr. Dennis W.
Other Relationship Issues,
* * *
Relationship is a pervading and changing
mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for
people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run
to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
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