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January
Tribal Instincts
We have come a long way since the days when the men
would gather together to go off hunting for their
tribe, leaving the women and children at home, to
return days later with their food and tales of the
successful and unsuccessful parts of their trip. In
such times, whole villages would share in the
fortunes and misfortunes of each individual and
family. An illness suffered by one was supported by
tens, maybe hundreds. A successful story was heard
by the whole village or tribe and recognised
accordingly. A problem was shared, not just by the
partner, but by a community. Man and woman, through
their individual talents and skills, be it in
hunting or medicine, in teaching or mothering, were
able to respect and value the strengths and
weaknesses of each other.
How does that compare to our society today?
Today, a man may still go off for days or weeks
at a time. He will generally be the only
representative from his ‘tribe’. Instead
of bringing home food at the end of his trip, he
will generally be rewarded at a later date with
money. He will come back to either his own lonely
accommodation, or to a house where his wife and
children, although pleased to see him return, will
neither thrill to the tales of his adventure nor
share immediately in the physical rewards of his
conquests. In fact, the rapturous and victorious
welcome that was prepared for his ancestor is
replaced very often by a begrudging reception that
almost seems to imply resentment of the fact that
he has been away at all.
Today, the extended family and tribal support
network, so important to male and female alike, has
disintegrated. Because of this we have lost much of
the support that men and women have enjoyed in the
past. Families tend now to meet up occasionally,
rather than daily, and very often under such time
constraints that a meaningful sharing rarely takes
place.
This fragmentation of our society may be more
damaging than we realise. I believe that men are
desperate to be acknowledged and understood and yet
many of us don’t understand ourselves. On the
one hand we are seeking recognition for what we do
or achieve, on the other hand we are seeking to
recognise who we are.
We want our problems to be understood both at
home and in the work-place - and yet both places
may offer quite conflicting solutions. We want to
have our desires accepted. We may, at a much deeper
level than we are consciously aware, want to share
our emotions with a broader section of the
community than just our partner or therapist. But
when we look for those supporters - if indeed we do
- what we tend to find is a society of independent
units containing a number of isolated individuals
each fighting for his own survival.
Men have suffered greatly as a result of this
isolation. At a deep level we have become virtually
friendless, often dependent upon our partner for
our only emotional support. And even then we find
ourselves unable, untrained, to make best use of
that support. So many of us have been brought up to
demonstrate to everybody else that we’re fine
and we can cope, when the truth may be very
different.
How do we communicate that truth? We don’t.
Men have become great editors of information,
broadcasting what we think people want to hear
whilst cutting out anything which may seem
unnecessary - such as feelings. We spend so much
time on ‘transmit’, showing the world
we’re fine and the life and soul of the party,
that we may have forgotten how to
‘receive’ - either from ourselves or
someone else.
As a result, we could be blanking out all sorts
of information from which we would benefit (other
people’s feelings, problem situations forming)
choosing instead to present a surface image of
perfection. And when we are not busy presenting
ourselves to others, we speed back to a life of
‘doing’ which continues to prevent us
from ‘receiving’. And then we find
ourselves expressing shock when the problem we have
been failing to observe finally surfaces.
There is much to be done to repair the damage;
fortunately there may be much that can be done.
There is nothing to stop entrenched patterns being
changed. Neither age nor health need be a barrier.
We need to repair the holes in our families; we
need to take the initiative as men to show that the
family, all aspects of it, is of immeasurable value
to us. For it is through those closest to us that
we get the best chance to see and find
ourselves.
Do you find time to share with your parents,
siblings and children (by sharing I mean open and
honest two way communication)? Do you have the
patience to listen to them? Could you help them to
help you become a man who transmits and receives
openly and without fear?
©2008, Barry Durdant-Hollamby
See Books,
Issues
Barry
Durdant-Hollamby is the founder of The
Art of
Change
 ,
a UK based organisation specialising in helping
individuals and corporations to effect sustainable,
holistic, positive change. He works intuitively on
a 1-1 or group basis and also conducts many talks
and seminars - all without notes or preparation!
Barry is also the author of three books the latest
of which is The
Male Agenda - a book
which seeks to inspire men to create greater life
balance and happiness. He is the father of two
daughters and lives in the South East of England.
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