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August
Our Highest Desire
Although happiness is the ultimate goal of most men
who bother to give it a thought, very few will ever
achieve it as a way of being. The main reason for
this is that they have surrounded themselves with
so many distracting toys, trinkets and projects
that they believe will make them happy, that they
waste themselves pursuing these things and never
learn what it is that would actually bring them
happiness. All of the very things that
“everyone” tells them will bring them
happiness only serve to numb them down to the
reality of who they really are.
For most of us, when we have surrounded
ourselves with a good woman and toys and family and
friends and a nice home with all the comforts and a
good job with nice vacations we still find that it
feels like there is something missing. It really
doesn’t matter how compulsive we get about the
stuff we gather around us, none of it is going to
fill up the vacant place within us.
Men often instinctively feel that getting more
or doing more will do the trick, so we throw
ourselves into our sport or our hobby or eating or
pussy or money or any one of a thousand things that
we pursue – and none of it works for long: we
always need more no matter how much we have
already. So we become addicts or gluttons or
workaholics in an effort to fill in the hole
inside.
We men are designed to have a purpose in life:
one that we feel makes a difference. The luckier
among us create careers around our purpose and are
able to live our dream for a living. These are the
men who can honestly say after a day’s work:
The world is a little better place because of what
I did today. The majority of us have to find a
purpose outside of our jobs, and that is just as
good for most men.
The true danger in the “feminization”
of men is not that they will become feminine or too
in touch with their feelings. The danger is that
they will come to believe that the love of a good
woman, children, a nice house, expensive toys and a
job to pay for it all is enough. These are enough
for women, but not for a masculine man.
It is women who are okay with hearth and home
and the love of a good man and their children and
grandchildren. For we men, all of these things are
cherished, but without a project around a purpose
higher than ourselves, none of it is enough. Many
of us just fold completely into the world of
immediate gratification and creature comforts. I
have met many of these men in their later years and
they are only shadows of men, men with no purpose
and only a desperate pain in their hearts where
their passion might have lived. The wives of these
meaningless men have taken them over completely and
they are told what to do and when to do it. In
mixed company, such men have no opinions and no
voice. They sit and stare until it is time to go
home. In their headlong rush into living a life
with no meaning, they wind up an empty shell. They
have learned to live with the pain of being a
“non-man”.
Their wives are also miserable, as they have
been let down completely by the very man that they
dedicated their lives to. They hate who they have
become and they despise the man who allowed them to
take over. They have a habit of talking down to
their men and their lips drip sarcasm and
exasperation.
Somewhere, deep inside each of us, is a mission
or a project that represents who we are as a man.
It is a purpose that, if is pursued, can ignite us
to brilliance and light up the world around us. The
very act of seeking out our higher purpose is
sustaining and can sustain those around us for some
time.
Finding our higher purpose is a function of
knowing who we are. After we make the decision to
love ourselves and take care of the little child
that lives in us, the next step is to take that
love out and share it with the world through our
higher purpose. Discovering that purpose comes from
the understanding that who we are is dependent on
what we value. Finding out what we value is
essential to taking the next step. Our designer
designed us to function at this higher level and to
be a joyous being. Accepting anything less is to
deny our very essence.
©2008, Irv Engel
* * *
One's life has value so long as one attributes
values to the life of others, by means of love,
friendship, indignation and compassion., - Simone
de Beauvoir
Irv Engel is a
successful salesman, builder, husband, father,
grandfather and friend. He loves to sing, dance and
is currently taking an art class to learn water
color painting. He is the creator and coordinator
of the Relationship Training Course for Men. This
book, The
Real Deal: A Guide to Achieving Successful and Real
Relationships,
is the result of hundreds of hours spent writing
down the lessons learned in a lifetime of marriage,
divorce, re-marriage and raising four kids. He
hosts free telephone conference coaching sessions
in the evening or on weekends.The conference is a
good way to find out about relationship coaching
and to ask any personal questions around your own
relationships without risk to your money or your
privacy. E-mail
him for phone number, access
code and schedule. Irv and Monica live in Lake
Forest, Calif. They have eleven grandchildren. They
have celebrated their thirty-fifth wedding
anniversary. www.committedrelationships.com
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