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October
The Power of Making a Decision
The first step in creating a true relationship is
the conscious decision that you would rather have
one than not have one. Many people are trying to
maintain various types of interactions with others
without ever being sure in their minds that they
want to be in the situation in the first place.
They are constantly asking themselves, "What am I
doing here when I could be some place else?" I can
recall in my own life that whenever anything went
wrong I would immediately begin scheming about ways
to get out of where I was. Once I was so miserable
that I bought an airplane ticket to get me away
from the problem that I was having with my wife. It
was only by chance that I didn't take off and
create another miserable relationship somewhere
else. I recall that I was constantly storming out
of the house and mumbling something to myself
about, "Not having to put up with such crap!" Like
so many others, I drifted into the relationship
when everything was going good, but wanted out as
soon as things turned a little sour. I was trying
to operate without a true commitment.
Unless the decision that a relationship is
desirable is made, and made solidly as a
commitment, nothing further can be built. It is sad
to realize, but there are people who are leading
fruitless, miserable lives within one or several
pseudo-relationships for no better reason than that
they have never gotten to the point where they have
decided that it would be better to have a real
relationship with another human being than to
remain in the hell they are in now. Once the
decision to have a relationship is made, it can
then be modified to specify with whom and what kind
of relationship it will be. As an example, the
commitment of a husband toward a wife would be, "I
want to have a long-term loving relationship with
you as your husband."
Getting this straight in your own mind and
expressing it to the other person in so many words
is vital to a healthy beginning. A salesman, as an
example of another type of commitment, can commit
himself to a shorter-term sales situation with a
client. In this situation as in all others, it is
vital to establish in your own mind just what you
are there for and then to communicate that
commitment to the other person. It is amazing what
a wonderful sense of strength is derived from
making a conscious decision and then sticking with
it. For the first time, you can begin to look at
today's problems as what they are: temporary
setbacks. Every argument or bit of insanity that
comes into your life no longer has to throw you
into a tailspin that makes you feel totally
helpless.
Dealing from a position of strength and
communicating that strength and sense of commitment
to the other person also gives them a feeling that
there is some stability to their lives. Now they
have something that they can count on which tends
to calm them down. Some of the craziness that you
have become accustomed to living with begins to
disappear from your life.
If you are in a relationship now, can you
honestly say that you are in it because you made a
conscious decision to be in it and are sticking
with that decision? If not, does it make sense to
you to make such a decision now? Can you see that
if such a decision is never made that you are just
kidding yourself about getting anywhere with
anyone? Couples that I have known who couldn't get
a handle on this one point have flown apart over
the smallest of life's problems. They get along
just fine as long as everything is going smoothly,
but as soon as life intervenes in the form of money
problems, kid problems or any other problem, they
just can't handle it.
I have been amazed at how easily the most
seemingly compatible couples have come apart. In
talking to one or the other of them, the lack of
commitment is obvious. When asked if they think
they will ever get back together, they give answers
like, "Well, we'll wait and see what happens," or
"It's too soon to tell how it's going to work out."
They seem uninvolved and not in control of the
situation.
The feeling is that they are waiting for someone
or some event to come along and make the decision
for them and sort it all out. There is none of the
feeling that, "This is what I want and I'll do
whatever has to be done to achieve it." Yet some of
these same people function very highly with strong
goals and commitments in the business and
professional parts of their lives.
Nothing is more profoundly flattering to a man
than to be told, "I can't imagine my life without
you. I never even look at another man." Nothing can
sweep a woman off her feet faster than to hear,
"You are the only woman in my life. I'd move heaven
and earth to stay by your side." These are magic
words that can save a relationship that looks as
though it's on the very brink of disappearing
My next column is “You Can Live Without
It.”
©2010, Irv Engel
* * *
One's life has value so long as one attributes
values to the life of others, by means of love,
friendship, indignation and compassion., - Simone
de Beauvoir
Irv Engel is a
successful salesman, builder, husband, father,
grandfather and friend. He loves to sing, dance and
is currently taking an art class to learn water
color painting. He is the creator and coordinator
of the Relationship Training Course for Men. This
book, The
Real Deal: A Guide to Achieving Successful and Real
Relationships,
is the result of hundreds of hours spent writing
down the lessons learned in a lifetime of marriage,
divorce, re-marriage and raising four kids. He
hosts free telephone conference coaching sessions
in the evening or on weekends.The conference is a
good way to find out about relationship coaching
and to ask any personal questions around your own
relationships without risk to your money or your
privacy. E-mail
him for phone number, access
code and schedule. Irv and Monica live in Lake
Forest, Calif. They have eleven grandchildren. They
have celebrated their thirty-fifth wedding
anniversary. www.committedrelationships.com
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