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June
A Men’s Group: Essential to a Man’s
Growth and Development
Why do men join men’s groups? How does
participating in a men’s group benefit a man?
What role do men’s groups play in redefining
masculinity and in changing the way men relate to
other men and to women? I will address these
questions based on my experience leading and
participating in men’s groups the past
twenty-five years.
“I feel lonely and I do not have any good
male friends anymore” “I need to be able
to discuss the things that are important to me with
other men.” “I feel overwhelmed in my
marriage and my family life and I need feedback
from other men.” “I used to have close
male friends, but we have drifted apart and I miss
them -- I especially miss that feeling of
connection.” “I got divorced recently and
realized that all my friends were really my
wife’s friends.” “I grew up being
ashamed of being male.” I think I am really
different from other men and do not know what to
say to them.” “I feel guilty about my
sexual feelings toward women -- I am afraid I will
objectify them.” “I have trouble
asserting myself and feel abused and angry much of
the time.” “I am unable to hold my own in
a conversation with a woman.” “I know I
have emotions, but sometimes I feel numb, or, if I
do feel something, I can’t put it in
words.“ “I work so hard to support my
family, that there is no time for me.“ These
are just a few of the reasons given by men who came
to me looking to join a men’s group.
How did we get in this mess?
In the book, Finding
Our Fathers, Sam Osherson points to
research that shows that boys, by an early age (3-5
years) understand that to be male means to shun
dependence. If he wishes to avoid being ridiculed
as a “mommy‘s boy“ and
“sissy,” he denies his dependency needs
and disowns any part of himself that seems
feminine. In a culture where mothers are important
caregivers, most boys, like most girls are
initially dependent on and identified with their
mothers -- in other words, I need her and I am like
her. At a much earlier age than girls, boys are
pressured to repress our needs to be cared for and
dependent. It is as if each of us has the needs of
a five-year old frozen within us. Women sometimes
complain that in intimate relationships, men act
like children. In the warmth of a relationship,
these frozen needs begin to thaw and can be
overwhelming.
All of this has a profound impact on a man's
ability to form satisfying relationships. While the
problems often show up in the way a man relates to
women -- girlfriends, wives, coworkers, friends,
the cure may lie in a man’s relationships with
other men. A central issues in men's psychological
development is the capacity for friendship with
other men. Many men have had painful experiences
with other males in childhood and adolescence. A
man might have had a lack of connection with his
father, or, worse, his father might have been
abusive to the son or to the mother. He may have
vowed to never be like his father, but lack any
positive male role models. As a boy, he might have
been bullied by other boys, or been a bully
himself. In the workplace, he may come to see other
males as competitors and not as allies. As adults,
many men lack truly supportive and genuine
friendships with other men. Many men experience a
painful isolation. Caught up in the demands of
daily life, there is a drift towards isolation.
Unless a man makes ongoing, deliberate attempts to
build friendships and cultivate relationship
skills, he may become progressively more alone,
even within his family. I am not talking about men
with some sort of psychological disorder -- this is
true for many normal, highly-functioning men with
good jobs, families and all the trappings of
success.
A man might have superficial connections with
other men, but, especially if he is heterosexual,
rely on his girlfriend or wife for deeper emotional
connections. He might also assign his wife the job
of initiating and maintaining social relationships.
Men are far more dependent on women than they will
admit, and, therefore, tremendously vulnerable to
perceived rejection or disapproval. This actually
makes intimacy with his wife difficult. In
addition, the man might see masculinity through
feminine eyes -- he may have seen his father
through his mother's eyes and now see himself
through his wife's eyes. This leads to a lack of
understanding of the male mode of feeling, and,
often, shame and confusion about being a man. A man
may even suffer from an inability to recognize and
articulate feelings, not because he lacks feelings,
rather, he has lacks experience identifying and
speaking about them.
The core of a successful men's group is the
group's ability to reveal and, eventually,
transform, each man’s pattern of interpersonal
relationships. In a men's group, a man might find
that he is more similar to other men than he
thought. He may experience camaraderie and support.
He finds the opportunity to work through the pain
of past relationships with males and begin to see
the other group members as supportive allies. Many
a man has told his men's group that he imagined
that they were by his side as he faced a difficult
situation. He leans to identify and communicate his
emotions, even revealing secrets that have caused
him unbearable shame. He starts to see men as
emotionally and interpersonally competent, as well
as nurturing, and, so sees himself that way. He may
find a portion of the mentoring that he has longed
for. He participates in a group that, in the here
and now, grapples honestly with how group members
relate to one another. He experiences conflicts
being resolved and intimacy deepened. In getting
feedback from other men, he starts to see
masculinity through masculine eyes. He may
understand his father better. He may gain pride in
being male, which paradoxically gives him the
strength to face the injustices men perpetrate
against women. He may learn to rely on the support
of other men, making him less emotionally dependent
on his wife, which, paradoxically, makes him more
able to be genuinely intimate with her.
While all of this good stuff does not always
happen, enough of it happens enough of the time to
show that men's groups are effective.
©2005, Gary
Hoeber
* * *
Psychology has a long past, but only a short
history. - Hermann Ebbinghaus
Gary
Hoeber has been working as a psychotherapist since
1976, helping a broad range of people successfully
deal with a wide variety of life challenges. He is
a leading practitioner and teacher of group
psychotherapy. An Instructor at John F. Kennedy
University since 1988, he offers classes on "The
Practice of Group Psychotherapy." His approach to
group therapy is highly interpersonal, assisting in
the development of effective communication and
relationship skills and increasing the capacity for
intimacy, friendship and community. His work with
individuals focuses less on pathology, and more on
the unfolding of one's life purpose, using a depth
psychology informed by poetry, story and mythology.
Gary is licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist
and has offices in Berkeley and San Rafael,
California. garyhoeber.com
or gmhoeber@comcast.net.
Gary will also be reviewing important
new
books on
psychotherap
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