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Can a Male Feminist
Lead?
Clash of the
Models
Interview with NOMAS
Boston by Kathy Ferguson
Organizing Men to Stop
Men’s Violence Against Women: A Possible
Five-Step Plan*
Clash of the Models
I am a professor of psychology and a member of the
National Organization for Men Against Sexism-
Boston chapter (www.nomasboston.org).
Our chapter bases its membership on the following
values: profeminism, racial justice, lesbian gay
bisexual transgender equality, and the enhancement
of men's lives. We are an activist and social
organization whose goal is to ally and support the
work of other like-minded organizations and to
provide a space in which people who wish to
subscribe to these tenets can be safe and form
meaningful relationships.
Recently, I attended a meeting organized by the
Men's Initiative for Jane Doe (www.mijd.org).
The meeting brought together a unique group of
people who were interested in discussing how to
engage men in work intended to stop violence
against women. In the very last session of the day,
we were discussing models for doing this kind of
work, and in particular, the wonderful community
work that has been done by the Men's Resource
Center for Change (www.mensresourecenter.org).
The facilitator of the group asked me how
NOMAS-Boston might differ from this model.
I proceeded to explain the advantage and
disadvantage of having a group that was committed
and active in the four tenets we subscribe to. One
advantage I emphasized is that it provides a space
for many people who would otherwise not have a
community. It provides a place in which men and
other genders who wish to push themselves to grow
in these areas can find camaraderie and a
community. In a sense, it has provided an
opportunity for people who have often felt
disconnected from others to join together and ally
to assist other marginalized groups. I also
expressed that our dedication to attempting to
realize all of these principles and the ways in
which we might undertake to do so might not be the
best for all people.
Before I could fully explain the disadvantages
of this approach, audience members began to provide
commentary and launch into the clash of the models.
In other words, arguing about what model is best to
engage men. One woman expressed concern that in the
traditional Latino community she worked in, we
would not likely have much success. She expressed
that men in her community would not attend our
events due to our adherence to our tenets
(particularly around gay and trans issues). Another
woman warned the group of the potential re-creation
of a white privileged movement which would alienate
people of color.
Both of these concerns are very legitimate.
Every approach is likely to be useful in some ways
and not in others. When I was explaining NOMAS and
our goals and basic approach, it could have been
heard as "we are not interested in working with
people who are not like us" rather than what was
intended to be conveyed (discussed below).
Also, white people have dominated progressive
social movements in the past and the concern that
this could happen again is very understandable and
should be addressed. However, I was actually
suggesting something that is very compatible with
that concern and in my opinion one way to avoid
that potential outcome.
These two criticisms launched at NOMAS addressed
two important issues when thinking about engaging
men (1) How much of our 'true selves' do we promote
when seeking out and working with diverse
communities and (2) How might the methods we use to
engage men be mere reflections of ourselves and not
likely be ones that will reach diverse groups.
NOMAS Boston for example, while diverse in age and
gender expression and identity is not racially
diverse and events are attended by primarily
white-identified folks. Certainly we want to be
able to reach out to many communities and not
replicate white middle class privilege in our
efforts to engage men, but are there any strengths
in these past efforts that seem to primarily
attract white-identified people?
While the concerns from audience members were
very relevant, they also need clarification. First,
they both implied that there are not men of color
who identify with NOMAS tenets, this is of course
not true. Second, they implied that there must be A
model for engaging men that looks to the diverse
needs of the communities we hope to reach and
matches their perceived needs assuming that methods
used by white, middle-class men, would not/could
not be useful in this progressive men's
movement.
I have been guilty of this "model fighting" as
well. In fact recently, I debated back and forth
with another NOMAS member about whether we should
post an advertisement for an event on our
list-serve that was not explicitly profeminist (but
was clearly dedicated to some of our tenets). Like
my colleagues that provided criticism of NOMAS, I
have also provided politically charged and logical
arguments that are model bound and move us
nowhere.
I don't think we need A model. We certainly
don't need to keep arguing about models if it is
just keeping us stuck and not motivating us towards
our goals of ending violence against women,
femininity, and ending violence in all forms.
Healthy debate is wonderful, but I think we can
spend more time debating and demonstrating our
"intellectual prowess" than actually working
towards justice (and by we, I mean all of us).
We do need more diverse leadership. We do need
to challenge white privilege. But do we need one
model that requires all men to engage men in one
particular way?
What we need is a coalition of men and all
genders to join together with a common set of goals
of ending violence against women and femininity in
all its forms. We need men who can act as role
models such as the men that work for the Mentors in
Violence Prevention
(http://www.northeastern.edu/csss/mvp/mvphome.html),
people that can do outreach to diverse communities
and work with men regardless of where they are
developmentally such as the Men's Resource Center
Western Massachusetts (www.mensresourcecenter.org),
religious and spiritual leaders who can influence
their congregations, and we also need ideological
and politically-driven ally activists who proudly
wear our identities on our sleeves.
We have finally come to realize that the men we
hope to impact with our message are diverse and
have diverse needs. Why can't we do the same with
the men who want to be agents of change? We are
diverse people who have diverse strengths and
abilities. What we need to do is spend less time
arguing about which model is "right" and more time
appreciating and supporting the many strengths that
we can all bring, bring these diverse people
together (much like what MIJD is now already doing)
with a diverse leadership, create a shared mission
and use a multi-modal approach to first engage men
and then expose them to our rich coalition working
together to end violence and improve all of our
lives.
Organizing Men to Stop
Men’s Violence Against Women: A Possible
Five-Step Plan*
Consciousness-Raising: Organize an event – get
names and contact information of the men who attend
by passing around a sign-up sheet. Note: this event
doesn’t have to be specifically aimed at men.
For example, many men respond well to a survivor
speaker like Katie Koestner
(www.campusoutreachservices.com) or others.
Initial Action: Ask those men to do a specific
task. Many men say they haven’t spoken against
violence against women because they feel like they
haven’t been asked, and they’re not sure
what to do or what is their place. Men tend to like
feeling useful and liked to be asked for help, but
it’s easier if that help is specific. Instead
of “Please join our movement,” try
“Please sign this Men’s Pledge that
we’ll publish in the local newspaper”
(see the Men’s Resource Center in Amherst, MA
for good examples –
(www.mensresourcecenter.org). Or ask them publicly
sign the White Ribbon Campaign
(www.whiteribbon.com). Ask them hang up flyers from
Men Can Stop Rape’s Men of Strength Campaign
(www.mencanstoprape.org). Where appropriate, ask
them to participate in Take Back the Night marches
(any Internet search will give examples – some
marches are women-only and that should be
respected). Where appropriate, ask them to
participate in community service or fundraising
events (walk-a-thons) for a local domestic violence
program and/or rape crisis center. Or cooking food,
etc. for such an event. Ask them to wear a button
or putting a bumper sticker on their car (example
at www.strongmendontbully.com) in events for Sexual
Assault Awareness Month (April) and/or Domestic
Violence Awareness Month (October)
Internalization: After the initial action, ask
the men who agree to the specific task to commit to
a longer training on issues of violence prevention.
Many men won’t, but some will. The training
can be an ongoing advocate’s training, a class
for credit or simply several group meetings (ask
for a specific time commitment). A good model for
such a class is on the Family Violence Prevention
Fund’s website – www.endabuse.org.
Integration: After the training, identify one or
a few potential leaders in that group. Make a
relationship with them – mentor them. Invite
them to conferences where they can meet other
leaders in the movement and network with them.
Encourage them to not only take leadership
publicly, but be accountable privately to their own
sexism – warn them that in this movement, they
may very well be challenged on their sexism and it
will help if they are not defensive. Urge them to
be accountable to the women in this movement who
have done this work longer than they have. Have
them sign up for the Men Against Violence Yahoo
Group – www.yahoogroups.com and select
“menagainstviolence.” Have them form or
join a group such as the National Organization for
Men Against Sexism, Boston chapter.
Leadership: Encourage those men (or that man) to
organize an event! and then the cycle will
hopefully continue. This cycle can take place over
a semester if you’re in a college, over a
year, or whatever works best. A good
organizer’s manual is available at the White
Ribbon Campaign website – again,
www.whiteribbon.com. If they like, they can form a
group such as a chapter of the National
Organization for Men Against Sexism
(www.nomas.org), or a Men of Strength (MOST) group
(www.mencanstoprape.org).
* With thanks to Bailey Jackson and Rita
Hardiman’s model of social identity
development. Of course, all men are different, so
this may not work for some groups of men. If you
try this cycle and it doesn’t work, please let
me know – if you find that other techniques
work better, or more ideas for #2, please let me
know that, too. Ben Atherton-Zeman,
benazeman@hotmail.com, 978-263-3254. Good luck!
J
Ben Atherton-Zeman is a spokesperson for the
National Organization for Men Against Sexism. He is
the author of a one-man educational comedy,
“Voices of Men,” which educates campuses
and communities about men’s violence against
women through humor and celebrity male voice
impressions.
Source: By Ben Atherton-Zeman, NOMAS
Co-Chair, nomasboston.org/essays/200505fivestepplan.htm
Can a Male Feminist
Lead?
The intention of this piece was three-fold. First,
it was to emphasize that our work as
feminist/pro-feminist men is a part of our daily
lives in addition to our
political/activist-oriented work. Second, it was
written to emphasize that our personal work is a
work in progress, not ever a completed task. Last,
it was written to emphasize the importance of being
vulnerable and honest with yourself and with others
as you continue to develop as a person and as a
feminist.
Approximately three years ago, I began working
on the Women’s Studies (WS) committee at a
small college in the Boston area. The WS committee
is responsible for various tasks, including
overseeing the courses in the minor (at the moment
there is no major in WS), advising students,
planning WS educational and activist-oriented
events, and advocating for students regarding
issues pertaining to women.
Not surprisingly, the bulk of the members of
this committee are women. Most of them are faculty
members in various departments including biology,
fine arts, nursing, English, and sociology/criminal
justice. There are also student members who are
almost exclusively women. In the past three years,
there have been three full-time members who have
been men and one male student for a brief time.
While there have been men and women members,
leadership positions have been filled by women.
As a member of this committee and as a
participant in several campus activities, I have
been very active and outspoken about my concerns
about various areas of college life. Recently, I
was invited by one of the deans to be on a task
force made up of various people on campus to
examine issues of safety across the campus. At
first I assumed that they wanted me to represent
Women’s studies, but through some discussions
we all decided that another member of the WS
committee would act as the official committee
representative on this task force. However, it was
understood by the WS committee that I would be one
of two people that also represented WS
concerns.
Recently, I was invited by one of the deans to
be on a task force made up of various people on
campus to examine issues of safety across the
campus.
Being placed in this position brought about some
anxiety for me.
Being placed in this position brought about some
anxiety for me. The question of how to take on a
position of leadership and continue to develop a
feminist identity brings up some difficult
contradictions and past experiences. I wondered how
does a male feminist act in a way that is assertive
and in accordance with his own needs without
reasserting typical patriarchal behaviors? In other
words, how do we make sense of being in a
leadership role without participating in the
dominating and dismissive qualities often
associated with men who are ‘in-charge’?
Can a male feminist lead?
I took my role on the task force very seriously,
attending all of the weekly meetings. I researched
what other colleges are doing (and not doing) in
response to sexual violence. Progress on the task
force had been slow and difficult, but we drafted
and submitted proposals for policy changes to the
administration. Some changes are already being
implemented and we are hopeful that the rest will
be implemented soon. The whole process has been
overwhelming, but I survived. It often felt like an
exercise in frustration, disempowerment, and
alienation, quite the opposite of how I feel when
working with the WS committee.
Throughout the semester, I have also been
updating the WS committee on the work of the task
force and concerns that I have had. In these
meetings, I have often been very pessimistic and
presented myself in an overwhelmed fashion. Looking
back, I feel that this daunting task of being on
the task force contributed to my presenting
information in a deterministic/fatalistic way. I
often reported information as if further
intervention would not change things for the
better. WS members certainly had the opportunity to
ask questions or request that I (or my colleague)
do certain things differently, but my presentation
may have set a context for people to censor input.
Why would they get involved when the tone of my
message was seemingly so negative?
For example, one member requested that we
collect data on students’ concerns about these
safety issues. In fact, the WS committee had
previously developed a survey that particular
committee members wanted to utilize. But rather
than genuinely pursue the idea, I argued that the
survey was irrelevant by citing numerous examples
from the past to prove my point. Looking back, I
feel that my tactics in this matter were too heavy
handed and inappropriate. As someone concerned
about the voices of others, especially those of
women in the WS committee, I realized later that I
may not really be hearing and representing
others’ needs well. Granted, I technically
wasn’t the WS committee representative on the
task force, but I wasn’t pro-actively trying
to understand and voice what the WS committee
members needed. I wasn’t acting in a way that
is in accordance with the kind of feminist man I
want to be. Why did this happen? Did the other WS
committee members perceive it this way?
It wasn’t until I
started writing this piece
that I even realized that I may have been
alienating my allies....
It wasn’t until I started writing this
piece that I even realized that I may have been
alienating my allies in the WS committee. I do
believe I had been a strong advocate for
women’s issues and certainly was extremely
assertive on the task force. However, the process
made me feel overwhelmed, negative, confused, and
even appalled at times. I should have asked for
support. I did chat with one of my colleagues about
the task force, but more often the chats focused on
my frustration, rather than how ineffectual,
alienated or dehumanized I felt. Because I
didn’t reach out for emotional support from my
colleagues, I ultimately stayed feeling that
way.
Some of this experience for me seems to be about
how men often don’t want to ask for help. Men
suffer in silence because we think that we should
be able to handle any hurdle that comes our way.
This ‘tough guise’ (to borrow Jackson
Katz’s term) contributes to all kinds of
health related problems, both physical and
psychological. Let’s keep the concept of
‘asking for help’ as a type of
vulnerability, often more associated with women, in
the back of our minds for the moment.
Admitting that I need help sometimes does feel
like I have failed in some way. Perhaps I felt like
less of a feminist because I wasn’t meeting
some expectations I had of myself. And the irony is
that this pressure does NOT come from the group of
women in WS who I work with, but rather it comes
from me. I put the pressure on myself to be able to
do something, to change something, and when I am
unable to meet the expectation in a way that is
satisfactory, my identity as a feminist man
suffers. But that isn’t the primary reason for
my feelings of discomfort.
I felt like less of a feminist because I
wasn’t meeting some expectations I had of
myself.
For me, the core concern is the fear of what
will happen if I ask for help and it isn’t
given. So the reason for not asking for help
isn’t so much feeling vulnerable but being
concerned about how others will react to my
vulnerability. Being vulnerable in this way can be
particularly difficult for men because others often
don’t know how to respond to it. In this
sense, a man is actively and purposefully choosing
to behave in a way that is more associated with
behaviors expected from women. I have had numerous
instances in my own life where I have been mocked,
humiliated, and denigrated for taking such a risk.
Such experiences make it difficult for me to take
such a risk. I did not imagine that the WS
committee would humiliate me in some way had I
asked for help (since my past experiences have been
very positive with this group), but because at a
deep level I am very aware of how often the culture
responds negatively to this kind of behavior from
men I may not take this risk as often as I
could.
Some feminist men struggle with a conscious
desire to challenge patriarchy in the culture and
in their own lives, and may also be concerned that
when they incorporate more feminine qualities in
their lives that they may relive some of the shame
and humiliation they have suffered in a world that
is misogynistic towards both women and the
qualities associated with them. I know several
feminist men who have taken these kinds of risks
and have been denigrated, or perhaps at a lighter
level ‘teased’ by their partners and
friends. So not only does the culture at large
reject you, but at times, it can feel like your
allies are rejecting you.
Returning to my task force experience, I think
that this fear kept me from asking for emotional
help and ultimately contributed to an atmosphere
where I could not be the person I truly want to be.
I don’t think that people on the WS committee
are furious with me and ready to kick me off, at
least I hope not, but I do think that I could have
been a better representative and advocate.
So perhaps this piece seems to argue that a
feminist man can’t do well in a leadership
position (or at least this one isn’t doing so
well). But that is not my conclusion. Being a
feminist man does not mean I need to be perfect.
But it does mean that I need to continue to be
aware of the process of challenging myself and to
hold myself responsible for my interactions with
others. Perhaps that is the element of leadership
that becomes the most important.
All of us must examine the conditions that keep
us distanced from one another.
It also means that if feminist men are going to
be able to continually develop and challenge
patriarchy within ourselves and within the culture
that we will need our men and women feminist allies
to be open to challenging their own discomfort with
men being ‘feminine’. We must work
together on this in order for it to improve. By
including women here, it is not an attempt to blame
women for patriarchy or to put the burden of
responsibility of men’s emotional needs on
women. Men must take responsibility for their
dominant role in maintaining this unjust system and
recognize how women have historically been viewed
as being responsible for caretaking men. However,
women must also examine their own internalized
misogyny which can become apparent when men attempt
to be more ‘feminine’. All of us must
examine the conditions that keep us distanced from
one another. I feel very fortunate to have
wonderful men and women allies in my personal life,
on the WS committee and through NOMAS that are
committed to this goal.
As you are reading this piece, I have already
begun discussing my concerns about my perceived
lack of pro-active inclusive behavior with the WS
committee (I have spoken with two members already)
and plan to officially discuss it at our WS meeting
in January. The work continues. I would love to
hear how other feminist men have struggled with
this issue. Please feel free to write to me at the
address below.
Interview with NOMAS
Boston by Kathy Ferguson
Coffee shops are great for listening in on other
people’s conversations. In case you
weren’t at the Central Square Toscanini’s
on a particular Monday night in December, I’ll
let you listen in here on the conversation I had
with five men about their feminism. Interesting
idea, right? A lot of women don’t call
themselves feminists for fear of being seen as
“whiny” or “too serious.” Here
are men coming out of the closet as feminists,
right in the open on Mass. Ave.
These particular profeminists are the members of
the Boston chapter of the National Organization for
Men Against Sexism. (Profeminist is the preferred
term for male feminists with due sensitivity to the
danger of men taking over feminism and its language
for themselves.) NOMAS has been around since the
early 1970s as a network of activist men and women
who believe that masculinity would benefit from
losing its sexist and hyper-macho sides. I talked
with Matt, Robbie, Kevin, Ben and Jack to learn why
they got involved with NOMAS.
Matt is a link between NOMAS and the Unitarian
Universalist young adult community; he works with
UU men against domestic violence. After the
traditionally masculine response of U.S. culture to
9/11, he identified profeminism as a great way to
work against the “culture of revenge or
whatever else you see in those shitty
movies.”
Robbie does LGBT
(lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender) advocacy work.
Though Robbie is a gender queer trans guy and
doesn't identify strongly as male, Robbie came to
realize that based on physicality people saw a
white, probably straight, possibly gay, man. NOMAS
allows Robbie to bond with men who don’t have
a narrow expectation of what masculinity should
look like.
Robbie sees feminism as a powerful tool that
opened up the range of socially acceptable gender
roles for women that can now help broaden the
acceptable identities and behaviors for all
genders.
Kevin is getting his doctorate in counseling
psychology and is focusing on understanding racism
in white men. He stumbled across NOMAS in his
search for an anti-racist group that was
anti-homophobic. He saw that NOMAS was also
feminist and thought, “Feminism is a good
thing…”
Ben has worked in rape crisis centers and
domestic violence programs for fifteen years. He
became profeminist because "violence against women
is a men's issue, since men commit most violence
against women." He never felt like a guy who fit
the definition of masculinity, though he wisely
points out that even "super jocks" feel pressure,
questioned if they do anything 'out of the
ordinary.'
Jack is an associate professor of feminist
studies. When he was young, like many men he felt
outside of things but didn’t know exactly why.
His women’s studies classes in college made
him feel energized, and looking back he attributes
that energy to his identification with women. He
empathized with women’s marginalization
because of his “own personal feelings of
marginalization for not conforming to dominant
views on masculinity – in other words, by
others’ standards, for acting like a
‘woman.’”
Their entry points differ, but they all found
feminism. This is because – as NOMAS’s
goals of “profeminism, gay-affirmation,
anti-racism and enhancing men’s lives”
state – all forms of oppression are linked.
For example, Kevin points out that disdain for gay
men is disdain for their perceived femininity; thus
homophobia and sexism are related. And Matt points
out that the feminist struggle is not about just
one issue; it’s about a whole culture. The
constraints of masculinity affect who gets what
jobs, what emotions are “okay” for
someone to express, the way our government
interacts with the world; it all traces back to the
revered goal of being a certain type of man.
NOMAS-Boston supports many different struggles; you
may have spotted them at the Vagina Fair, the first
same-sex marriage ceremony in Cambridge, or the
Selma March (a Roxbury to Boston Common route
commemorating Martin Luther King Jr.’s
historic 1965 march).
Beyond being a group of activists, NOMAS-Boston
is a place to find connection and support. You
don’t easily meet a profeminist every time you
walk down the street; an intentional community is
needed. The group is a therapeutic space where
people can bond about not wanting to be (or be
with) “typical,” oppressive men.
It’s also a total party. The most striking
thing for me is what good energy these men have
together. It was so fun to talk with them; they are
so comfortable around each other and clearly have a
great time. Sure, they have serious discussions,
but they are also just another group of pals when
they need to simply relax and talk.
NOMAS-Boston currently has about 80 people on
their public list and 15 active members. This is a
good size for a local chapter, and of course they
always welcome more members. I wonder what you, the
reader, think about the idea of joining this group.
For example, if you are a man, you may feel
attacked by the idea of NOMAS; you may not think
– or want to think – you have privilege
to examine. Male privilege may not be something you
sought out, but by living in society you have it.
The current members agree that it is often
difficult at first to want to do the work to be a
profeminist.
Kevin admits he originally didn’t think he
benefited from male privilege because he is
gay-identified and “lived in the periphery of
masculinity.”
Before joining NOMAS he understood his white
privilege, and through group discussion and support
he came to understand his male privilege too.
The prospect of truly recognizing and rejecting
your privileges may sound intimidating, but
what’s great is that NOMAS members have all
been through it, and are excellent guides. And more
than guides, they are companions, as they emphasize
that every member has something to teach the group
as well as something to gain from it. As Ben puts
it, they are about “connecting and confronting
at the same time – with more
connecting.”
Okay potential NOMAS members, are you still
stuck on the “sorry, it’s not my
issue” tip? Let me put it another way. You may
have bought this edition of Whats Up Magazine to
support the street vendor selling it. You
didn’t have to support that vendor, but you
want to, because it feels good and helps equalize
the world. Supporting women feels good by the same
token, and when women’s perspectives and ways
of being are equally valued, men won’t feel
the same pressures and burdens their currently
constrictive gender places on them (such as feeling
like you have to prove you’re
“tough” all the time, be it on the
football field or at work). Feminism promotes
equality and opens up more ways of being for all of
us; now doesn’t that sound like a good
time?
Damn. I spent one hour with these five men and
here I am doing an unsolicited membership pitch.
Being in their presence was so uplifting and
inspiring that now I want a world full of NOMAS
addicts. I think that says it all.
--Kathy Ferguson encourages you to check out
www.nomasboston.org
for more information.
©2010, NOMAS - Boston
Pro-Feminist
Ally Organizations
* * *
Jack Kahn is currently co-chair
(internal relations) of the Boston chapter of the
National Organization for Men Against Sexism
(NOMAS). He has published articles and presented
numerous workshops on topics of diversity and is
currently doing research exploring the identity
formation of men that embrace feminism.
www.nomasboston.org
or E-Mail.
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