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Psychotherapist Joe Kort, MA,
MSW, has been in practice since 1985. He
specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives. www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
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Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
What do you get when you
cross a therapist and a comedian?
A Therapedian! I was talking to my 11-year
old-nephew about my starting to do stand up and he
looked at me and said, "Hmmm, you are a therapist
and a comedian, that makes you a therapian!" I
thought that was very clever and use it at the
start of my act.
In the summer of 2008 I took an 8 week course at
a local comedy club doing stand-up comedy. I have
always used humor in my presentations, workshops
and even in the therapy room at times to help
people cope with some of their issues.
As many of you know who have read my books and
articles and listened to me at my talks I was
raised in a very neglectful and abusive environment
where there was little affection, love and
nurturing.
The one good thing that did occur from my family
was lots of humor. That is, perhaps, the most
positive thing I recieved from my childhood and it
has served me well today. I find humor in almost
all of my own personal struggles as well as in the
most difficult life situations.
Given all of this, I hope you will watch my
comedy act and take it in the spirit it is meant. I
hope it makes you laugh. I have more coming as I do
various clubs in amateur night shows. Watch the
video at www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj74Q6RqIcY
Anti-Gay P-Fox President
Expelled from American Counseling Assocation for
Life
This is a Devastating Blow For Outdated
Pseudo-Science That Tries To Turn Gay People
Straight, Says Besen
Author Wayne Besen today released a letter he
uncovered from the American Counseling Association
that "permanently expelled" reparative therapist
Richard Cohen in 2003 for serious ethics
violations. As the outspoken president of Parents
and Friends of Ex-Gays and Dr. Laura Schlessinger's
ex-gay advisor, Cohen's expulsion casts a dark
shadow over the disreputable practice of trying to
change sexual orientation.
"The Right wing should be ashamed for promoting
the work of a therapist who has been officially
rebuked for egregious ethical lapses," said Wayne
Besen, author of Anything But Straight: Unmasking
the Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-Gay Myth. "That
Cohen is the best the far right can find in support
of their position that gay people can change
underscores the quack-like pseudo-science that they
rely on. It is time they end the charade that
reparative therapy works."
According to the ACA's letter: "Mr. Cohen was
found in violation of the following code sections
A.1.a; A.1.b; A.5.a; A.6.a; C.3.b, C.3.f, and has
not elected to appeal the decision taken by the ACA
Ethics Committee within allotted timelines."
(Please see below for full explanation of
violations)
The letter referred to Cohen's violations which
included inappropriate behavior such as fostering
dependent counseling relationships, not promoting
the welfare of clients, engaging in actions that
sought to meet his personal needs at the expense of
clients, exploiting the trust and dependency of
clients, unethically soliciting testimonials from
clients and promoting products to clients in a
manner that is deceptive.
"It is no surprise that Richard Cohen violated
the ACA ethics because reparative therapy itself
lacks integrity and attempts to meet their agenda's
need, not the needs of client's," said Joe Kort,
psychotherapist and author of 10 Smart Things Gay
Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives. "Of particular
note is that Cohen's violations are self-serving as
he is accused of violating standard ethics of
protecting his client from dual relationships,
marketing purposes, and testimonials."
Richard Cohen is the president of P-FOX, a group
that recently placed an ex-gay billboard in
Virginia (www.Pfox.org) and sponsored a
controversial ad campaign in Washington DC's subway
system. His website is www.gaytostraight.org and he
is a conference instructor for the National
Association for the Research and Therapy for
Homosexuality (NARTH). Cohen is also the author of
"Coming Out Straight", a book in which Dr. Laura
Schlessinger wrote the forward.
"With intellect and care, he [Cohen]
offers invaluable insight into the reason for
same-sex attractions and, for those willing to
brave it, he illuminates a challenging journey from
isolation," wrote Dr. Laura in Cohen's book.
Cohen has also been prominently features on
Larry King Live, The Ricki Lake Show, The Salley
Jessy Raphael Show and 20/20. Reparative therapy is
rejected by every mainstream medical and mental
health organization in America.
Primary Responsibility. The primary
responsibility of counselors is to respect the
dignity and to promote the welfare of clients.
Positive Growth and Development. Counselors
encourage client growth and development in ways
that foster the clients' interest and welfare;
counselors avoid fostering dependent counseling
relationships.
A.5. Personal Needs and Values
Personal Needs. In the counseling relationship,
counselors are aware of the intimacy and
responsibilities inherent in the counseling
relationship, maintain respect for clients, and
avoid actions that seek to meet their personal
needs at the expense of clients.
A.6. Dual Relationships
Avoid When Possible. Counselors are aware of
their influential positions with respect to
clients, and they avoid exploiting the trust and
dependency of clients. Counselors make every effort
to avoid dual relationships with clients that could
impair professional judgment or increase the risk
of harm to clients. (Examples of such relationships
include, but are not limited to, familial, social,
financial, business, or close personal
relationships with clients.) When a dual
relationship cannot be avoided, counselors take
appropriate professional precautions such as
informed consent, consultation, supervision, and
documentation to ensure that judgment is not
impaired and no exploitation occurs. (See
F.1.b.)
C.3. Advertising and Soliciting Clients
Testimonials. Counselors who use testimonials do
not solicit them from clients or other persons who,
because of their particular circumstances, may be
vulnerable to undue influence.
f. Promoting to Those Served. Counselors do not
use counseling, teaching, training, or supervisory
relationships to promote their products or training
events in a manner that is deceptive or would exert
undue influence on individuals who may be
vulnerable. Counselors may adopt textbooks they
have authored for instruction purposes.
Sexual
Addiction
Sexual addiction and compulsion are a problem-and
comprise a touchy subject that isn't talked about.
All men-gay, bi and straight alike-can suffer from
this disorder, Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., has written
extensively on the subject. In his landmark book,
Out of the Shadows, he coined the term sexual
addiction. My own working definition of addiction
is any behavior or activity that interferes in
one's life in some way, but which one continues,
despite negative consequences. Along with behaviors
are other factors and dynamics, like loss of
control.
If a man's tried to stop or cut down his
cruising behavior, with no success, that signals a
problem. Addictive behavior often displays
progressive increase in tolerance. The person needs
ever-stronger "hits." This syndrome explains heroin
overdoses: The previous level of the drug wasn't
satisfying enough, so the frustrated addict
"promotes" himself to a higher, lethal dose-beyond
what his body can handle.
Similarly, the sex addict needs more and more of
whatever behavior satisfied him in the past.
Because this progression occurs over time, it's not
always obvious. Initially, masturbation with
fantasy was enough to satiate his sexual appetite.
Later, he needs to view pornography while
masturbating. This is then that is not enough, and
he feels the need to actually meet someone.
Suddenly, he realizes he's cruising at a bar or sex
club, or going online more often than he wants to
be.
These behaviors, in and of themselves, doesn't
necessarily constitute addiction. Problems arise
when they interfere with being able to be
completely present with one's self and one's
partner and enjoy the sexual act-in addition to the
fantasy.
People with addictions continue their behavior
in spite of negative consequences, which they deny
or do not perceive. When the man becomes
accountable for his own behavior, no longer blaming
it on others, only then can treatment begin.
Most people don't know that during any addictive
behavior, biological chemicals are released, making
these actions even more compelling.
Natural chemicals such as endorphins and
adrenaline give the addict their "high." The sex
addict's behavior causes chemical changes in his
brain, which promote a mood- and mind-altering
experience. Then there's a natural drug in our
bodies called phenylethylamine or PEA for short.
It's an essential chemical for those who are
addicted to inherently risky behaviors like
gambling, shoplifting, bungee jumping, and sex.
PEA's molecular structure parallels amphetamine,
and is strongest when first released. This explains
why so many people with addictions say they're
always seeking the feeling they had during their
first high, and want to re-experience it over and
over.
A number of signs exist of sexual addiction. One
is a pattern of sexual behavior that's out of
control. Of course, sexual impulses are the spice
of life, reminding us that we're biological beings!
But in sexual addiction, these feelings become
intrusive. An impulse comes, followed by a strong
need to act on that urge immediately, to get
relief. This pattern begins to occur with some
regularity.
Another warning sign: Severe consequences due to
one's sexual behavior, such as being arrested,
compulsive masturbation resulting in abrasions and
sores, contracting sexually transmitted diseases,
or having a loving relationship end when one
partner catches the other cheating.
Another warning sign: Ongoing desire or efforts
to limit sexual behavior with failed attempts to
stop or cut down the behavior.
Sex addicts viewing the world through a sexual
filter. In an attempt to cope with stress, sexual
obsession/preoccupation and fantasy become primary
strategies. The sex addict will allow his thought
to focus on sexual fantasies and sexualize most of
his experiences, to relieve himself of the tension
he is experiencing.
A sex addict will use fantasy and behavior to
modify his mood state. That's the essence of any
addiction: an attempt to reduce anxiety, depression
and other unwanted feelings and thoughts. The
psychological self-soothing hit of PEA and other
internal chemicals lets the sex addict feel
temporary relief. His mood will elevate. But when
the sexual behavior is over, he will drop into
shame, despair, depression, remorse and guilt for
having engaged in his obsessions and
compulsions.
"Sexual acting out" (or SAO, for short)
behaviors are a way of acting out our
feelings-about whoever we're with, and about
ourselves. For the sex addict, the goal is to
identify the difference between what behavior's
healthy, and what's not.
That's what defines these repetitive, unhealthy
behaviors. A man within normal limits, -briefly, or
at times of stress or crisis-might find himself
driven to overindulging in sexual behavior.
Some SAO behaviors include:
Compulsive masturbation: There's no
normative frequency. As the old joke has it, a
father tells his son that if he masturbates, he'll
go blind. The kid responds, "Can I do it until I
need glasses?" But seriously, the sex addict does
this chronically until his penis is sore or
abraded, until there is no more semen to ejaculate.
Or he may masturbate in his car, or in a park or
restroom with the hope of being seen. He prefers
masturbation over sex with a partner.
Indulging in pornography: Again, using
porn to assist in any kind of sex is no problem. It
is, however, when photos are preferable to a
flesh-and-blood partner; when it's necessary for
stimulation and ejaculation; and when any other
form of lovemaking isn't as satisfying.
Exhibitionism: Exhibitionism is the
desire to show one's body or body parts to another
for self-arousal. An exhibitionist's thrill depends
on reactions from his onlooker. The flasher gets a
high from exposing himself and shocking men and/or
women-the equivalent of visual rape.
Anonymous sex and dangerous sexual
practices
Voyeurism: This is where one is seeking
sexual thrill and pleasure from viewing others
either while they know or don't know they are being
watched.
Compulsive cybersex: Before the invention
of caller ID, men would call others and engage in
sexual conversation against their will. Nowadays,
this happens on the Internet where someone
instant-messages another and attempts sex talk. If
that person says no and the instigator persists,
this is a violation.
The sex addict prefers to be online over sex
with a partner-or to even having a partner at all.
He'll spend hours on end online, viewing Internet
porn, looking at personal ads and frequenting chat
rooms. A man's family or partner can be watching
television, while he's in the same room, enjoying
cybersex on his laptop, while the others have no
idea what's going on. This doesn't have to be
associated with masturbation. The chase and the
hunt are more exciting than the catch.
For the sex addict, this activity can consume an
entire afternoon, interrupting his life. He may
even leave work early to engage in these
behaviors.
Sexual addiction blocks its sufferers from
having deep connecting relationships. This is why
it is greatly important to have to relate to
another human being on nonsexual levels. Time and
again, studies show that the sexual addict who
engages in individual, group, and 12-step
groups-all three together-is helped most
effectively. Placed in proximity to others, they're
forced to examine their issues of intimacy and
relational skills with others.
Straight Guise: Straight
Men Who Have Sex With Men (SMSM)
Many men who have sex with men (MSM) get referred
to me by their straight therapists. Holding my
books and other coming-out literature in their
hands, they explain that their therapists have
tried to help them come out. But since they say
they are not gay, their therapist has sent them to
me to assess their true orientation.
I have seen hundreds of heterosexual men come to
my office with same-sex behaviors worried that they
might be gay. However I have always been able to
help these men distinguish between their organic,
innate sexual and romantic orientation as well as
their sexual preferences. I have always known that
straight men can have sex with other men and not be
gay. However that concept makes people very
anxious. Some think the behavior itself defines a
gay orientation. Others—particularly gays and
lesbians—understandably worry that it will be
used to show that people can go from gay to
straight. The reality is that from the start these
SMSM’s are not gay and now we have research to
prove it.
A recent New York City survey found nearly one
in 10 men say they're straight and have sex only
with other men. The findings appear in the Sept.
19, 2006 issue of the Annals of Internal Medicine.
They also found that 70% of these
straight-identified men having sex with men are
married. In fact according to the Center for
Disease Control, more than 3 million women are, or
have been wives or girlfriends of men who secretly
have sex with other men. In fact, 10% of all
married men in this survey report same-sex behavior
during the past year.
Some of the findings include:
- Straight-identified men who have sex with
men report fewer sex partners than gay men.
- Straight-identified men who have sex with
men report fewer STDs in the past year than gay
men.
- Straight-identified men who have sex with
men are less likely than gay men to report using
a condom during their last sexual
encounter.
- Straight-identified men who have sex with
men are more likely to be foreign born than gay
men.
It is crucial to have this information as the
survey shows that a man who says he is straight but
is having sex with other men is more likely to be
married than a straight man who has sex with women,
according to the survey. Only 54% of the men who
say they're straight and have sex with women are
married, compared with the 70% marriage rate among
the men who say they're straight but have sex with
men. This is different than gay men who are
heterosexually married in what I call the “New
Mixed Marriage.”
The beginning stages of the coming out process
can resemble many other psychological processes.
Before coaching clients into the coming out, I
assess with them what their sexual behavior
means—as it does not necessarily indicate a
need for coming out.
Just because you are sexual with the same
gender, doesn’t necessarily reflect
sexual/romantic orientation. There remains a
difference between sexual identity, orientation,
fantasies and behavior as discussed in the article
“Are
You What You Orgasm?"
Historically, many a therapist would tell
clients who were struggling with homosexuality they
weren’t really gay or lesbian, but that
various factors made them this way. Gay Affirmative
Therapy is clear that orientation is innate.
Individuals who act out homosexually or fantasize
about same-sex partners may not be gay to begin
with.
The possibilities include homo- or bisexuality,
sexual addiction, bi-curiosity, homo-eroticism,
sexual abuse and more—you should be informed
and understand each of these issues before helping
a client through the coming-out process.
Men who were sexually abused as boys or
teenagers may re-enact that trauma by engaging in
homosexual behaviors—and at first glance,
appear to be in early denial about their
homosexuality. By contrast, some women, gay or
straight, who have been sexually abused will
repress their sexuality, while others re-enact
their early abuse by being sexually promiscuous
with men when, in fact, they are lesbians.
As a result, many clinicians reassure clients
that once their abuse issues are resolved, their
same-sex behaviors will evaporate. But this
doesn’t always happen, particularly if the
client is innately gay or lesbian.
This concept is important in understanding
ex-gays who claim to have changed their
sexual/romantic orientation. Success rates in
returning people to their “innate
heterosexuality” are low to null because these
individuals are not heterosexual. Those who have
succeeded in rooting out their gay impulses most
likely were sexually abused by a same-gender
perpetrator, which confused or clouded the
individuals’ primary orientation which was
heterosexuality. Or they may, in fact, have just
been an SMSM.
Also, bisexuals may be able to repress their
same-sex feelings—simply because they were not
that strong to begin with.
Terms to Understand
- MSM: Men who have sex with other men
including gay, straight, bisexual, bi-curious,
questioning and any male who has sexual activity
with another male.
- SMSM: Straight Men who have sex with
men.
- WSW: Women who have sex with other women
including gay, straight, bisexual, bi-curious,
questioning and any female who has sexual
activity with another female.
For more information in terms of what I have
found in my work with straight men who have sex
with other men (SMSM) go to
SMSM
Take the Quiz on marriage to
see which marriage the quotes describe: Interracial
or same-sex couples
Recently the Partners Task Force for Gay &
Lesbian Couples published a quiz on their website
with quotes asking which ones are or have been used
as the arguments against interracial or same-sex
couples. Chillingly, they are
the same. For more information go to www.buddybuddy.com/quiz-1.html
On www.marriageequality.org
,
a website educating the public the facts advocating
gay marriage, reported that the NY Times ran
a story in 1968 about interracial marriages that
are very similar to the stories of today that run
against gay marriage. Here is a quote from a
Virginia lower-court judge who supported the
interracial marriage ban:
"Almighty G-d created the races white, black,
yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on
separate continents. And but for the interference
with his arrangement there would be no cause for
such marriages. The fact that he separated the
races shows that he did not intend for the races to
mix"
When I do talks on Gay issues and Lesbian and
Gay relationships, I have had people of color or
others in a minority status say that they are
bothered by the comparison of gays to other
minorities in terms of discrimination. They say
that they cannot hide their ethnicity or race. My
response is always the same--the arguments used to
discriminate against women, people of color,
religion and others are the same. In other words,
the quotes above and the stories that ran against
interracial marriage are the same arguments used to
discriminate against Lesbian and Gay marriage
today.
We should not let history repeat itself!
Did You Call Your
Mother?
Many of my clients joke that they wish there were
Hallmark cards that were for dysfunctional families
which could acknowledge the pain and grief they
have from the kinds of mothers they have as well as
sharing the joy and connection they still feel
toward her despite their years of growing up.
They wish there were jokes like the one on my
left which came from the New Yorker.
The comic says: Bad News--we're all out of our
minds. You're going to have to be the lone healthy
person in this family
Wouldn't it be nice to be real in a card and not
cover up the problems and also be able to make
light of them?
I joke that while I have taken breaks from my
own mother by respectfully not speaking with her
and stopping all contact for a while to get some
psychological space I cannot get away from being
reminded of her. I forget my ID or password to my
bank accounts or credit cards and when I phone the
bank or credit companies I am immediately
asked;
What is your mother's maiden name?
When is her birthday?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CALLED YOUR
MOTHER????
Oh my G-d I say to myself all I wanted is to get
my password. Shamed and guilt stricken I spend days
thinking I am a bad son and should call my
mother.
I was even at a psychotherapy training last week
and one of the experiential exercises was that we
therapists were to get in the order of our MOTHER'S
MAIDEN NAME!!!! Again, the voice in my head goes,
"DID YOU CALL YOUR MOTHER?"
Call it Jewish Guilt, Catholic Guilt or whatever
you want, love your mother regardless of who she is
is what we learn from early on--even probably from
the womb.
While I am mostly joking it is based on some
truth.
Are You What You
Orgasm?
In the talks I give around the country, audiences
often ask me about what being gay or straight
really is. Most people believe that if you engage
in—or even think about—certain homosexual
sex acts, then that reveals your basic sexual
orientation of being gay. Interestingly, the
opposite is not true. If a gay or lesbian person
thinks of or engages in heterosexual sex than that
is either meaningless to many or a sign that
“maybe they might be straight”.
This line of thinking is not necessarily true.
In fact, it’s often not the case at all! You
can fantasize about all kinds of activities that
have everything, or very little, to do with your
sexual orientation. You can engage in and even
enjoy sexual acts that are the complete opposite to
what your sexual orientation really is.
Confused? Many people are—even therapists!
So let’s break this down.
Sexual Identity or Orientation
Sexual identity or Orientation refers to how
someone self-identifies, and not how others may
categorize him or her. Some self-identify as
heterosexual (straight), gay or lesbian, homosexual
(a person who is not “out” but enjoy
homosexual sex), bi-attractional (bisexual) or
questioning (bi-curious, or “If it feels good,
no problem”). Sexual orientation is a constant
and does not change. This can be confusing when
someone comes out of the closet. It looks as though
the person changes orientation when in fact they
are coming out to who they always really were. They
stop role-playing the wrong orientation. An example
of the constancy of sexual orientation is a
transsexual who undergoes gender reassignment
surgery. I know of men who are heterosexual who
feel they were born the wrong gender. They are
sexually satisfied by females only. However they
feel as though they are female themselves. They
undergo a gender reassignment from male to female.
They are now lesbians. It is not an episode of
bewitched where now they are suddenly attract to
men just because they are now female. This is a
good example of how sexual orientation is
constant.
Sexual Preference
These are sexual acts, positions and fantasies
that someone prefers to have when engaging in
sexual activity. They can take it or leave it
however they enjoy it when they do it. This is
different than sexual orientation which is
one’s identity and the object of passion for
which they are compelled and naturally drawn to.
Preferences can change over time and one can become
more open or closed to certain sexual fantasies,
behaviors and acts.
Sexual Behavior
Sexual Behavior is any behavior intended to
pleasure oneself and/or one’s sexual partner.
But the sexual behavior you engage in won’t
necessarily reflect your orientation.
Sexual Fantasies
Sexual Fantasies are any thoughts and ideas that
arouse you. They can be about virtually
anything—not just body parts, but clothing and
shoes, and even natural objects such as trees and
mountains—especially if they remind you of a
previous erotic encounter. Memories of music and of
aromas (perfume) can have a similar aphrodisiac
effect.
For the sake of discussion, I’m going to
offer some sweeping generalizations by way of
examples (though of course there are many
exceptions to what I’m about to describe).
Heterosexual Men
Men who are heterosexual enjoy the company of
women, romantically and sexually. They are aroused
and feel compelled to have sex with woman. However,
when they’re in prison or in the armed forces,
where woman aren’t available, often they will
find sexual gratification with other men. This
doesn’t mean that they have switched to a gay
or bisexual orientation, simply that they have no
one but other men available for sexual release.
Once these heterosexual men get released or
discharged, back they go to their female objects of
desire and usually, never again have sex with
men.
Heterosexually Married Gay Men
Conversely, heterosexually married gay men have
often fallen in love with their wives and been
sexual with them. They’re often monogamous,
performing sexually and enjoying orgasms with these
women. They are sexually satisfied. These men are
not bisexual; nor are they heterosexual men gone
bad! They have either chosen—or felt
compelled—to live heterosexually, but are
innately gay. In some ways this is a personal
prison imposed upon one’s self by not
permitting their homosexuality to come out. Once
divorced, they seek out other men exclusively for
sexual gratification. and never do return to
women.
Homosexual Imprinting
Homosexual Imprinting occurs when a boy or
teenage male has been sexually abused by an older
man. In my practice, I see many such cases. These
men come in concerned or merely inquisitive about
their homoerotic impulses and enjoyment, wanting to
know whether this means they’re gay. Upon
further evaluation, we discover that many of them
were once abused sexually by male authority
figures. Their psychosexual mapping now includes
being sexual with other men.
Sex & Love Mapping
By mapping I mean that one’s love and
sexual preference map are determined early on in
childhood. It is how we learn how to love. We
observe and absorb how others love or neglect or
abuse us and that becomes our “love map”
according to John Money, a pioneer in the field of
sexology. This map becomes a template for what you
seek out for pleasure in your adulthood. It
Early in childhood, we’re all imprinted
with family beliefs and societal norms. Imprinting
is the psychological process by which specific
types of behavior are locked in, at an early stage
of development. All of us, gay and straight alike,
are conditioned to think, feel, and act the way our
early childhood caretakers nurture and teach
us.
The first important thing to consider is this
doesn’t mean the client is gay or even bi. He
is simply left with an imprint to re-enact his
homosexual abuse and find “pleasure” in
what was inflicted on him as a child. In reality,
this isn’t pleasure at all, but trauma turned
into orgasm. In the book, Male Victims of Same-Sex
Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response by John M.
Preble and A. Nicholas Groth they say it best:
“……this may actually
reflect an effort at mastery of the traumatic
event …..when he was being sexually
victimized, someone else was in control of him
sexually. During masturbation he is literally in
control of himself sexually, and this may be a
way in which he attempts to reclaim mastery over
his own sexuality. Likewise, his participation
in consensual sex reflects his choice and
decision.”
The authors go on to say that “the fantasy
thoughts are prompted by fear more than desire, by
anxiety more than pleasure”. In other words,
they become a way of managing the fear and
anxiety.
Second, just because the sexual abuse was
committed by a male doesn’t mean that it
constituted homosexuality. When men sexually abuse
girls, we don’t claim it’s about
heterosexuality! We say it is simply sexual
abuse—which involves power, violation and
rape. Nothing about that is related to
orientation.
Homoeroticism
Homoeroticism is the concept that men and women
(who are basically heterosexual, of course) can
enjoy some sexual activity with members of their
own gender—if only vicariously. Surfing the
Internet, you can find thousands of sites that
offer tag lines like these:
“Do my wife while I watch”
“My husband is too small—I need to
show him something bigger”
“My wife wants a female partner to join in
with us”
“Voyeur to watch you and your
spouse”
“Wife likes to watch me suck cock”
These preferences don’t necessarily imply
sexual abuse or homosexual imprinting, nor do they
necessarily involve bisexuality or homosexuality.
There are simply men and women who, from time to
time, become aroused by the same gender enjoy
sexual activity with them.
Indeed, research has shown that some men and
woman are even turned on by the idea of their
spouses having an affair. For them, there is
something homoerotic in the idea, just as in
“swinging,” when couples enjoy bringing
in others to be sexual with them, temporarily,
without breaking up their committed relationship.
They may not admit to homosexual desire however. In
his book, Extramarital Affair, Herbert S. Strean
writes that “couples who openly advocate
extramarital affairs also derive a great deal of
pleasure [because] they identify with their
spouse and unconsciously have sex with
[their] spouse’s lover.”
Stream says that also, “because this is
unconscious process, most couples who sanction
extramarital activity deny their homosexual
involvement and justify their stance on the basis
of free expression.”
There is so much more to say and be written
about this topic. I hope that after reading this,
you’ll be able to expand your mind about your
own sexual fantasies and desires—and also,
understand be aware that not everyone is “what
they orgasm.”
©2007, by Joe Kort
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