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I'm Tired of Being "Too Shy"! Dear Doc: I'm 33 years old and only had a few relationships in my life. Any women I did date felt like I was settling since I didn't have the self esteem to get the women I really wanted. I believed very attractive women were too good for me or always interested in some other guy. Looks are not really the problem for me as I'm tall and in shape. I get smiles and second glances from time to time but I just freeze up and only nod hello. The other day I walked into the bank and a beautiful female teller had that obvious look like "Wow, he's hot!" Then when I tried to start a conversation, the girl was just shy and it didn't go anywhere. Maybe next time, I'll get the courage to ask her a question like 'How was your weekend' to get her to talk. My biggest, twisted problem is when I go out with friends I hope that a girl will come up to me. I try to tell myself a thousand times that it does NOT work that way. I am more of a mellow, quiet guy, not the life of the party. I am always much more comfortable one on one with people. But when I talk one on one with a pretty woman, I smile a lot, but more in a shy way. Girls may see it as cute, but in a very sweet, little brother type of way. A lot of times a girl would seem interested at first, and after knowing me a little, they would say, "He's harmless", and feel they could have me anytime if they wanted to. Anyway, I just really want to develop and portray more masculine energy and confidence in myself. I don't want to come off as passive or weak. I'm so tired of being so intimidated by attractive women and I'm going to do something about it if it kills me. I'm not getting any younger! These other guys out there are no better than me, their just more relaxed and more experienced. I do go to the gym which helps with my overall confidence and maintain positive energy. Anyway, what advice can you give as far as working on myself? Thanks for your input! Hello! I couldn't be more pleased to hear that you're fed up with the life you've chosen. ("What did that jackass just say? 'Chosen'? I didn't CHOOSE to be shy!") Yes you DID choose it; and stop daydreaming. You've been choosing it for the last 33 years. I think that is long enough, don't you? More on this in a moment. Let's begin with this, little factoid: In fact, great women WILL approach you, but ONLY if they know you could approach them first if you wanted to! Think about that statement for a bit. I have an e-book on my website entitled "How to Get Women to Approach You" that describes this in great depth, but the very first key is in knowing you could do all the work yourself. This was a real epiphany for me. When I realized this fact, it totally changed my dating life. I have women approaching me all the time when they didn't before! It happened again just last weekend when I was out on a date with another girl for instance. However... I also had to learn how to do these things (approach, build attraction, close, etc.) myself FIRST. This is exactly where you are now; standing at the threshold of the door to that answer. Turn the knob, and let's go inside, shall we? I said in the beginning that you CHOSE to be shy. That is a fact. Nobody is "born shy" - they come to it from any number of directions; whether it's from over-bearing parents or siblings that tease each other unmercifully or idiot kids at school or being dumped hard by a boy or girlfriend, everyone REACTS to those things; in by the very reaction, chooses one path or the other. Now, you're choosing a different path. Let's talk about being shy for a moment. Think about this: you're not shy all the time, are you? Of course not, nobody ever is! There are many times when you're bold and confident. Likewise, I get letters from people all the time that ask me how to be confident. They get the same answer you're getting now: nobody is confident all the time either. Instead, you get to borrow it any time you want it! Both of these are choices, and you're soon going to realize that you can CHOOSE to be confident any damn time you want! ("Shit! Could it really be this easy, or is this doctor guy just blowing smoke up my ass?") Pay attention in class and stop daydreaming!! Yes, it can really be that easy. Almost. There is a key you're missing in order to start building that confidence. Think about the times when you feel confident. What's the difference between them and the times when you don't feel confident? It all boils down to one answer: knowledge; more specifically: education. You feel most confident when you're in situations where you know the subject or situation itself very, very well. This is called "confidence through familiarity". When you walked into the bank and saw that pretty girl, you were "out of your element." Let's say instead that you worked there and were that girl's boss. Would you still have felt as shy? Of course not. That is true in every situation you've ever been in. ("I hate people that think they know everything!") Stop wondering and stay with me here... When you know exactly how to walk up to a girl and draw HER out of her shyness; when you know exactly how to speak to her to build rapport and connection; when you no longer worry about whether she's attracted to you or not because you can BUILD that attraction any time and to any level you want; do you really think you'll still be shy around pretty girls? Of course not!! So, there it is. All you need is some education. I suggest you get started because the bell has already rung and you're already late for class. Go check out my websites (http://beingaman.com and http://beingaman.tv) and get started on building that knowledge base. There are a ton of resources there - many of them free - from books to CD's to articles to a very active discussion group. As soon as you do, you're instantly solving your shyness problem and replacing it with simple, pure confidence that you pull out any time you want or need it. The challenge however is just getting started doing it. So, don't be challenged or shy any more: DO SOMETHING! Best regards... © 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder Other Relationship Issues, Books Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
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