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Avoiding the Dating Games Hi Dr. Neder: My problem is that I don’t want to play the dating game and I don’t know how to avoid it. I’m not interested in the type of relationship that’s a sort of fragile peace treaty after a war of conquest. When I consider what’s involved in the dating game—deception to up each person’s perceived social value, rudeness/flakiness to increase hype or show lack of desperation—I think such behaviors provide a terrible basis for a relationship. The relationship I would like, instead, is one of a successful road trip. Perhaps conventional gender roles would dictate that I be the accelerator and she, brakes. Or, the roles could be shared differently. The point, however, is that shared roles would contribute synergistically to a successful relationship (partnership). I am in my late twenties and dated five girls in the last year, each between 1-3 dates. I usually start with great first dates: fluid conversations, dilated pupils, increased smiling, and some mirroring of my speech patterns, posture, and/or other gestures, etc. Three of them suggested we meet again even before the date had ended. After that, it’s as if they’re all struck with amnesia, also becoming flaky or otherwise difficult to reach. Subsequently, a week or two of hide-and-go-seek ensues and I’ve lost interest. How do I be direct with a girl about not wanting to play mind games without it sounding like an ultimatum? How do I convey to her that honesty and directness are appreciated, without her feeling desperate or slutty for doing so? Finally, what are some outwardly observable attributes that I can look for in a woman as predictors of empathy, intellect, and creativity? A round butt and cleavage are poor predictors of the more important qualities I look for in a woman. (I don’t know why it took me so long to realize this!) Any insight is appreciated. Hello! Yes, I fully understand what you're saying here. Wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to play all these dumb games with women and could get right to the things we all want? Here's the problem however: these rules of engagement were here long, long before I arrived. I wish that women didn't think they needed all this crap, but in reality, much of it is pre-wired into them. I try to help them see they don't need it with us guys (and frankly, this is exactly what keeps them from understanding us; making us seem "complicated" to them - their own wiring toward these things!) but in fact, you're not going to fight millions of years of evolution! The key is to become a better player of these games than the girls are (I can already hear the girls reading this gasp!) In fact, if you can out-game them, you can get past their own needs for the games right up front and get to the normalized, easy, fun relationship building you want much more quickly - and with her total and complete acceptance. The problem is four-fold: 1) (As I've already said) much of these games are pre-wired into women. They need to see that you can play it in order to move to the next level with you. Their own evolution requires at least some of it. 2) Very few men (especially today) actually understand how these games work, know the rules, know the moves, etc., and thus wind up getting their teeth kicked in. 3) Unlike you, very few men even know what questions to ask; thus, when they see/hear the answers, they don't know what to do with them. Some of the guys will try them out anyway and actually start seeing the success they want, but in reality, this isn't even most guys. 4) I can't possibly train you in all of this via one or even one hundred of these messages. The good news however is that I don't have to! It's all contained in my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and you can discover it all in just a few weeks of study. The books go into many things, but by far the most important is that they talk about these games - what they are, why they exist, how most men react to them and how you should react to them instead. They also go into all the short cuts you're looking for. Women are really amazing creatures. If you're enough of a man (and can communicate that to the women you date) you'll be able to lead them right past all of this craziness into where you want things to go - and the women will absolutely love you for it. That's because deep down, they don't want to have to play these games with you any more than you want to be played! The challenge comes in learning how to be that man, what the games are and how to deal with them along the way. You also need to understand that some of these games, (like "The Test") you CAN NOT get around or avoid - EVER. You're going to HAVE to deal with The Test in every single relationship you ever encounter. Thus, don't wish or hope or even try to slip past it. Learn instead how to recognize and then vanquish it. If you do this, you'll instantly become the men that women read about in their own porn: romance novels. Because of all of this, I'm afraid your questions are misdirected. You're looking for a way around the games rather than doing what any woman will absolutely demand of you: plowing right through them. You're not going to find that path around, so stop right now looking for it. As to your last question, interestingly, the very fact that these women ARE playing these games with you shows their hand. Trust me on this: they won't bother playing them with guys they aren't interested in. It's just as much work for them as it is for you! As I said before, learn the games, learn the counter moves and play the game better than any woman you meet can. Then, (to usurp Rudyard Kipling:) "Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!"..and will have the sorts of easy relationships you really want to have, with the sorts of women you really want to be with. Best regards… © 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder Other Relationship Issues, Books Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
write to him by going to: beingaman.com/ask_question.asp
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