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Going From Non-Sexual to Sexual Dear Dr. Neder: I'm 33 years old and I was a virgin up until a few weeks ago. I was waiting to meet the right girl, and I finally did. But when I slept with her, I couldn't cum. In fact, I had trouble getting a full erection at all, and then I couldn't keep it the one time I did. My girlfriend is hot, and she even tried oral. It felt great for a while, but then I started getting a little bored when she stopped licking the tip. I was getting sick that weekend, but this has happened to us before. My girlfriend says its okay, but I know she's really disappointed, and I think she might dump me. Help, what do I do?! Hello! Actually, I'm not surprised by this difficulty at all. Here's the problem: you've spend the first 31 years of your life NOT being sexual with girls until now, you finally have to perform. I've seen this happen many times and I'm afraid it's a terrible mistake! Waiting around for the right girl simple programs your mind to not be the otherwise sexual person you were born to be and now you have to un-program your mind and you're going to have to do it quickly! She's not going to wait around for another 31 years while you reverse this ridiculous education you've created for yourself. I'm gong to help you here, but I'm not done lecturing you yet... ;) People have all sorts of crazy (frankly, stupid) reasons for doing these things: religion, emotionality, feminine bias, lack of opportunity created, etc., etc. The problem is that they all deny the foundational wiring built right into each of us. Now, because of whatever reasoning you used, your partner is suffering. That's a very poor choice and as a first step to getting this solved, you need to change your way of thinking about all of this. As another problem, you claim you found the "right one". Of course, you've never been with someone like her before and thus, you don't even know if this is true! You can only hope - not know. That puts one hell of a lot of pressure on you to perform! You don't just flip a switch and become a sexual person - you practice it your entire life. What have you been practicing??? Yet another problem: your sexual experience has been with the palm of your hand, not something so soft as your lover's mouth or pussy. Yet MORE practice of the wrong ilk! So, you see, with all of this combined, you have a lot to unlearn here. Let's start with this: NO MORE masturbation for awhile. You need to let that sexual tension build up in you so that your partner has something to work with. Once you get this solved, you can go back to jerking off if you want to, but give it some time. Second, you're going to have to work on building your own personal sexuality (something you've avoided now for 31 years). You need to teach your mind to sexualize women. (I can hear the gasps from all the way over here!) Yes, that's exactly what I mean - you need to start seeing your partner as a sexual object - a sexual person. You subconscious mind doesn't equate her with sex because you're putting far too much onus on her as the "perfect woman". Unfortunately, she's really not and you've got to see that. She's just a woman like any other. She may have attributes you prefer but that's a very different thing from being "perfect". As you begin to make headway into this new path for yourself, you're going to find that you also start growing your sexuality and thus, your response to your partner. Frankly, you have a lot of work to do here but these difficulties are entirely self-inflicted. It's time to un-self-inflict them and come the healthy, sexual person you were born to be. You deserve this, but even more your partner deserves this. Best regards... © 2010, Dr. Dennis W. Neder Other Relationship Issues, Books Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty
Dr. Dennis W.
Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World
I and Being
a Man in a Woman's World
II. Have a love, dating,
relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can
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