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Dr. Dennis W. Neder is the author of Being
a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love,
relationship or man/woman question? He'll answer
all letters. Write dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers or visit: www.remingtonpublications.com
Already
Committed Could These Balls Be Yours,
By Chance? Doc: My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We fell in love right away and even moved in together (she was new in town). I'm 23 and she's 24. We had all these plans for the future and I even brought an engagement ring. She went on a business trip 3 months ago and when she came back she told we she needed a break to figure out who she is and what she wants. I found out that before she asked for the break she met a 26 year old guy who lives 2 hours from us. I asked her if she wanted to break up and she said no, she just needs space. Well the other guy started coming to see her and she has even gone to spend the whole weekend with him. I called this guy a couple of times because I was being stupid. She has really hurt me but I still love her so much. I'm afraid to give her the break she wants because she may forget what we once shared. I tell her lets not talk until she figures out what she wants and she says she still wants to talk and hang out with me. I don't know what to do? Does she still love me? Hello! I'm sorry to tell you this, no, she doesn't love you. If she did, how could she consider being with someone else while she's with you? Frankly, this is particularly dirty - she already has another "boyfriend" even though she's living with you and doesn't want YOU to move on, but wants that freedom herself! Sure, she doesn’t want to break up – she has you at home cleaning everything and paying the bills while she gets to go out and establish a new relationship. What a self-centered, using bitch! And then there's you - why in the hell would you put up with such a thing? She's going there spending weekends with him two hour away? Why would you ever tolerate such a thing? Because you "love" her? Where is your self-respect and dignity? Where are your balls? Oh, I know, they’re in her purse, right next to that love she claims to have for you. My brother, this isn’t “love”. It's time to wake up out of this "love fog" you've got and start seeing this for what it is. You're obviously under the impression that you can't do better than her, but let me assure you, she's nothing special. When she goes out and runs around on you still hoping that you'll hang around just in case her new boyfriend doesn't work out, you're as much to blame about all of this as she is - maybe more! Tell her that she can go have her weekend, then spend that time packing up all of her stuff and putting it on the doorstep to greet her when she comes home. Also be sure to change the locks and phone number. Then, you and your buddies can go out on Sunday night to celebrate and meet some much better women. Best regards... "Right-Sizing" Your
Relationship Dr. Neder My fiancé and I are to be married in 3 months. We've been having problems for the past year. We've been great friends for 10 years. We fight over trivial things, but she gets emotional and makes consistent put-downs about me, says she's depressed and unhappy with me. We both have tried desperately to make the relationship better - I went to relationship counseling and she attended a few times, but really wasn't interested in what the councilor had to say. She and I both have realized that our major quarrels are not about our initial fights, but the way in which we fight which we both agree goes like this. I will say or do something that makes her upset, she reacts with emotion, and starts calling me and my family all sorts of names, and I get defensive. I have tried to work on my part of the situation - not making her upset and not engaging in the argument, but when I try to back-off she gets more upset at me for not reacting. I'm in a catch-22. Moving in together 1 year ago may have been the worst thing we've ever done. I realize that this is our 'sort of' first year of marriage, with all the growing pains of getting used to someone else, but things haven't let up. I'm torn between going ahead with the wedding on the basis that outside of the piece of paper, we're already married and this is inevitable for all couples, or that I'm learning how this person really will treat me the rest of my life now, and I should get out because I can't accept this. She says I need to be more accepting that she is an emotional person and that she often says things she doesn't mean (I'm not nice, not hopeful over our future, constant put downs), but that is not good enough for me. All my efforts to make things better, the nights out, the days off spent together, the little things throughout the day that I try, all become null and void to her after our fights and she says she's equally happy and sad. She doesn't leave me because I think she loves me very much, and since she already views this relationship as a marriage, it would be like failing her, her marriage, and her families opinion of her (they don't think highly of divorce). Personally I don't know what to do. For 2 weeks we'll have a great time, then a major disaster sinks in that takes 2 days to fix. It's like clockwork, and has been for the last 8 months. I personally think that we should not be married until we fix these problems, but she thinks that putting off the marriage = the end of the relationship. I don't want to lose her, but I can't live with the constant emotional reactions and roller-coasters. I wish she would start to control herself and talk to me about her feelings. In my opinion she is surrendering control over the situation - she says it's the way she is and I have to accept this. I have no where else to turn, please help. Hello! I'm about to give you the most important piece of advice you'll ever receive, and I hope you take me seriously about it: don't marry this woman. My brother, you have a very severe problem on your hands. You're seeing only the tip of the iceberg right now. She's actually on her best behavior in looking forward to the marriage! Can you imagine what you're life is going to be like when she no longer has to worry about that little aspect, and she has everything she wants? This name-calling and put-downs are simply a symptom of a much greater problem - lack of maturity, respect, courtesy and consideration of you and your family. She is in love all right - with the idea of being married. To her, (and to many women) this means that they've "succeeded". Most all women define themselves, and their level of success by their relationships. If they reach the finish line (by being married), they feel worthwhile and successful. Men do something similar but with their jobs, not their relationships. Personally, I think being successful in your work life is contributing something of important value, and is a better indicator, but then, I digress. The bottom line is this: just because you moved in due to your pending marriage, it's not written in stone. In my latest book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" I talk about the concept of "up-sizing", "down-sizing" and "right-sizing" your relationship. The point of this discussion is to find the balance in your relationship that fits. Marriage and living together obviously doesn't fit your relationship, and marriage rarely makes a relationship "better" - only different. Trust me on this one: you're in a very bad situation right now that is only going to get worse by being married. The only time to be married is when: a) you want or already have kids, and b) you're absolutely sure you're in the most perfect, relationship you can have. No doubt you're getting a lot of pressure from all sides on this one - including her family. You need to put these pressures aside and see this for what it is. I suggest that you begin by calling off the wedding. This isn't going to be easy, but if you don't do something right now, you're going to wind up married to someone that just thinks you're trash - even though you've given her exactly what she wanted. Then, decide if you need to move out from each other to rebuild your relationship, (I think you do). Get set-up separately and begin working on the relationship problems. Don't just assume that they're not there because the stress is off. This needs some work, and continued counseling for BOTH of you may be the key. If you need more information on how to do this, check with "Being a Man in a Woman's World II". Best regards... Doc: I have a problem with women - not meeting them - just keeping things as "just sex" and nothing more. Every woman I seem to meet wants the relationship thing. Any suggestions? Hello! How many men would like to have your problems? Keeping things "just sex" (without using professionals) involves starting correctly up front. Frankly, most women are more interested in a relationship than just casual sex, but that’s not a rule. There are many women out there who are too busy for a relationship that still want sex. Obviously, these women are your primary targets. Let’s look at some of the options for sex-only relationships: One night stands ("ONS") Getting ONS’s isn’t as tough as you’d think. There are many women out there that are very good targets, but you have to be sure to have your skills in check. You should read (and re-read) "Being a Man in a Woman’s World II" for details on this - how and where to meet these women, how to approach and how to close the deals. It’ll also give you great information on how and where to work your magic. Friends (with "privileges") I’m sure you know how I feel about female "friends". However, there is at least one major benefit to a woman that only sees you as a friend - as long as she also sees you sexually. Keep in mind however that sex might very well ruin your relationship unless you work the ground rules up front, and even then, there are no guarantees. Sex-only relationships Finding women interested in sex-only relationships is more difficult because you have to go through a lot of women. There are clubs and even services that can help you here, but in general, you’re going to have to work these in the same way as ONS’s. Ex-girlfriends Have you considered going back to your ex’s? This is a great source of sex-only relationships! Of course, you broke up for a reason and you should be clear on the fact that you’re not interested in getting back together with her. You have quite a few options as to where to find sex-only relationships, and as long as everyone is on board, and you use protection every single time, there’s not too much wrong with these. If you’re looking for sex-only relationships, you should let your target know this up front. Having her find out later on (especially when she is looking for more with you) isn’t going to ingratiate you in her mind. Further, remember that women talk. If you spend much time in any particular area (such as a local bar or club), you’re going to get the reputation of a player pretty quickly, which will shut down many other great options. Be clear about your goals up front and save yourself months (years?) of hassles later on. I’d caution you however that if things get too serious for either of you, it’s time to move on. Best regards... Dr. Neder, I recently read an article on your webpage that is similar to my own situation, which should clue me in, but still I'm soliciting your advice. My girlfriend and I met in December and by February we were dating, exclusively. We fell in love very quickly and within six weeks she was no longer a virgin. Our relationship grew until approximately August when I learned several disturbing things about her. First I learned that her father abused her physically, sexually, and emotionally as a child. I always though something happened, but never knew the extent – which was huge. Despite the abuse she still swears to love her father very much, a clear sign of codependency. She was promiscuous during the entire time the abuse occurred never having sex but mostly giving head (about 40 guys in just a 2 year period), and allowing guys to do some crazy things to her. She was also assaulted by a group of guys including an ex-boyfriend and her now step brother. They pinned her against a car and started fingering her. Like victims will she froze. The second issue was that she had started talking to an ex-fling again and she claimed that it was only plutonic but it was evident that she was enjoying it and felt guilty. I asked her to end the contact with this guy and she agreed. The following day I discovered that she had been carrying on a “relationship” with him via email and that she would talk to him at night even after we had been together. Well after several discussions and her agreeing to end the relationship with him, I forgave her and we prepared for her departure to college. She moved at the end of August to attend college. What followed was a sequence of lies that continued through out our relationship. She never even told him that she had a boyfriend! After I confronted her, she tried to explain to that she never really loved him and that she just said that so he would still be interested. She said that she never wanted to be with him but played along for the attention. She said that she cheated on me during a college visit trip to the states, when she met up with this guy. He didn't even know that she had a boyfriend! She told me that she had sex with me to prove to me, but mostly to prove to herself, that she loved me. She also said that there were a couple of times that she didn't want to have sex but did because she felt obligated because she had cheated. After our discussion the future of our relationship was in jeopardy. Not because I was going to end it but because she was. She said that she had to decide whether or not she loved her pride more than me. We've made up since then and for the last two weeks or so, it's been good. I've forgiven her and I want to be together. But she doesn't seem to be going out of her way to prove to me that she loves me, she hasn't gone out of her way to earn back my trust, and I still feel like I'm putting more effort into the relationship than she is. I'm headed to Iraq in December, so the next time I see her is in November for 10 days, then the next time after that is in June for R&R for two weeks. We are destined to spend the next couple of years apart and I really want this to last forever, and she has said that she does as well. But lately I've just stressing out about it but I'm afraid to talk to her about it and I’ve been having nightmares. I don't know what to do. Hello! Well, you've got some great armchair psychology going on. Let me ask you this: are you this girl's boyfriend, or her therapist? Trust me: you can't be both. I'm not at all surprised that she doesn't seem to be investing in your trust. Why should she? She already has everything from you that she wants. There's no benefit to her to make you trust her at all! She has your love, she has your trust, she has your belief in her, she has your future, she even has your balls which she has had made into some nice earrings. You give these things away as though they had no value whatsoever. Guess what? To her, they don't. Let me stress this point: this woman isn't going to get "better" than she is right now. She's going to constantly be out for herself - her needs, her goals, her wants - all to the exclusion of yours. If she can prevent you from reaching your goals, all the better in her eyes as this gives even more value to her own! Is that really what you want in your relationships? I sincerely hope not! You need to wake up here and see what's really going on. Women that have good self-images and respect and consideration (even love) for the men they're with, don't act like this. Further, you can't love her care about her enough to make her change. Even worse, all of this is extremely unhealthy for you. If you want my advice, here it is: dump this bitch. Go get your balls back from her first, and then cut off all contact. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. Period. Move on with your life and seek out those women that are healthy and want to be with a healthy man. Don't try to "fix" someone that is fundamentally broken - especially when they themselves don't want to be fixed. Best regards... Hello Doc: I read you site about letting go in a broken relationship and want to ask you something about it. I am a married woman, 35 years old and have 2 children. My husband needs me more than I need him. For many years I felt alone and not always listened to by him. A year ago I met someone else and fell in love. He showed me how to live again and brought back all my feelings. He doesn't accept when I don't tell him what I'm thinking, and now realize I didn't share any of this with my husband because I didn't feel that he really cared. It fell to me he was too selfish to see things that were important to me. After going through therapy with my husband I left him and went to live with my new boyfriend for a couple of months. It felt so perfect, other than the guilt I felt for leaving my children. I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be and I felt sorry for my husband. I wasn’t sure if it was just my feelings of guilt or there was more. So finally I went back to my husband and kids. Now I’m not happy. I learned to express my feelings to him however. I told him that I don’t want sex because I don't feel it that it's good for me. This makes him very sad and he says, "We are married", ect. On the other site I feel so sorry. He is not a bad man, and is trying very hard to make me feel me better so I have to give him a chance. Also my children are happy that I'm home. Now I’m trying to see if my feelings for him will grow again by opening up. I’m hoping that I’ll finally know what to do. Do you have some advice for me? Hello! You feel that your husband was selfish because he didn't give you what you needed. Fine. What about YOUR selfishness?? You never even bothered to consider what your CHILDREN needed from you! They need to have mom and dad at home working through the problems so that they have a good environment in which to grow up! They didn't ask to be brought into this world - YOU decided that for them, and by doing so, you owe them everything - and they owe you nothing in the process. I'm sorry, but your selfishness towers over any that your husband has! Ok, you didn't write to me for a lashing (although it's highly appropriate here), let's look at your situation. When you decided to have children, you gave up the right to focus on your needs. That's the way it is. Until those kids are out of the house and on their own, they deserver 100% of your focus. Your needs come second - or third - if at all! You need to do whatever it is that will make your house a home for those kids. If that means that you need to fall in love with your husband again, I suggest you get working on it. Yes, your husband is obviously trying to make things work here too, but it takes you both. If you're only giving a half-hearted effort, it's not going to work. It's time to grow up and start to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and your needs. There are others in your life that deserve much more here. Best regards... I read on a website that you try to answer your email and I'm begging for some of your expert advice please. I am in serous need of some help because a girl I had really strong feelings for and with whom I've had a very close relationship and I have just had a crisis. About 1 1/2 years ago, I met a very cute and sweet 28 year old girl (I’m in my 50’s) and we began conversations, went on a few "dates" and began a relationship that has lasted until the day before yesterday. This relationship was carried on about twice a week for a few hours each time and included, as of late, some very intimate times, but not actual regular sex; lots of kissing, touching and rubbing, but never naked - we always wear underwear. When ever we are together she has the power to make me feel as if I am the only other person on the planet. She is incredibly intense and very physical and makes sure to be in physical contact with me all the time we are together. If we go out to dinner, she wraps an arm or leg with me for the whole time we are at the table and never lets go of me. My girlfriend is in a 7 year committed relationship with a real loser. He mentally abuses her and hasn't had a job for 2 years and she just calls him "a work in progress" and apparently loves him very much. He has a felony conviction for cocaine possession and served 5 years. She works long hours and brings home the money and he buys pot with it. He thinks I am just a good friend to her and doesn't know that she loves me and I love her. At first she spelled out a ton of rules about things she wouldn't or couldn't do with and for me and has, over time, systematically broken every one of them. I have never pressured her for actual sex, because I know it would make her very uncomfortable and I'm actually very happy with the high level of physical intimacy that we do have. One time she told me that she kisses me more often than her boyfriend. It seemed to bother her a little but not enough to decrease it any. Now, because her life is very complicated, I have been extremely patient and generous with my time and money and have solved a number of crisis' for her. I have always been kind and gentle with her and I am of a non-violent and non-threatening nature. She says many times that when she is with me she feels totally "safe" and it's what attracted her to me in the first place. I recently drove 100 miles to rescue her, her boyfriend, his kid, her kid (both of which usually live out of state, but were here for the summer) and their dog from a campground at a local lake when their car blew up on the boat ramp. I then loaned her a $1000 to fix the car so she could get to work. On average I give her about $1100 a month to help her out and to compensate her for the time she spends with me as she usually blows off work to see me and isn't getting paid. So here's the problem (as if there aren't enough problems already?) As I told you, I usually see her about twice a week. Sometimes, we have a date scheduled and something in her life makes her very late or not show up at all. She rarely calls me to say she can't make it and let's me hang for days before calling to make a new date. I can't call her because the boyfriend would get suspicious if I called her at home and she can't receive calls at work. When she does call, she often calls from work. Even when nothing is going wrong she makes me wait one to three hours past the time she said she'd be there. Often she shows up and says she had to run a few errands or make dinner or take a shower, all stuff that she could have planned better. Anyhow, she went on a 10 day trip without him (to take her kid back "home" to his father, who has custody) this last 2 weeks and I begged her to call me while she was gone so we could stay in touch. This has happened many times before. She never calls. Each time I have tried to tell her how much it hurts me to be taken so for granted and treated so casually. Of course she didn't call and I got totally blown out. She knows I will always be there for her when she gets back so, apparently, I'm just not important enough to think about when I'm not there. So, after numerous broken dates and no calls and very little apology, when I saw her two days ago, I told her that I just couldn't take the stress of feeling like she never thinks of me when we are not together. She had no trouble calling me when she was in trouble, but has never called or emailed just to say she was thinking of me. So I told her that I couldn't see her any more. The genuine joy and euphoria I feel when we are together are outweighed by the pain of her making it obvious that she just doesn't have the depth of feeling for me that I have for her. So I chose to end it and take the terrible pain all at once rather than die a little each time she blows me off. Now, I am so miserable, I just want to cry all day. I miss her terribly and don't know what to do. When I broke up with her, she was very upset and both of us cried and it was very emotional but she never said anything to indicate that she wanted to fight for me. So now I wish I hadn't done it, but it's too late. She said she'd pay me the $1000 as soon as she could, but I don't hold out much hope for anything. Sorry this was so long, I know you are busy, but this is the first love crisis I've had in 35 years and I'm a little out of practice. I just don't know how to cope with it. Hello! First, let me tell you this: I've heard this story - and been through it with many friends myself - many, many times. I know exactly what you're going through and even exactly how you feel. I'm going to help you here the best I can via email, but I strongly urge you to consider some personal coaching time as there's far more involved here than I can give you via email. You can get information on coaching from my website at: http://beingaman.com. Now, here are the facts that you're going to have to come to grips with: 1) This woman is a prostitute. That is what she is and what she does. Just because she only has one "client" (you) makes no difference. 2) This woman does NOT love you like you love her, and yes, I noticed how you avoided using that term. 3) The only reason that she spends any time with you is because you pay her and solve her problems for her. 4) She doesn't really give a shit about you, your life, your situation - only as far as how it affects her getting your money and support. 5) I don't care what she tells you or "shows" you or anything else. These points are exactly spot-on and you're going to have to come to grips with them. Tom, I know you don't want to hear any of this, but let me be absolutely frank here: you've been used, taken, had. The feelings that you have for her are absolutely NOT returned to you in any way. Until you wake up and get out of this love-induced cloud you're in, you're never going to get through this and heal. Trust me on this - I know what I'm talking about. The minute you dumped her, she began thinking about the next guy she could seduce in order to keep her income going. This is a business to her - that's all. She feels NOTHING, NADA, ZIP. You are bearing the brunt of all of this by yourself - she's already over you. My brother, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is the time you need to hear these things. This is the very first step on getting healthy again, and believe me: you are anything but healthy right now. You'll get there, but learning to accept these facts 100% is the very first step. Best regards... Who is REALLY the Problem
Here? Dear Doctor, I am not so sure you will answer mine, because I have tried to get answers elsewhere from other's and no one will touch it, but I will try and see. I just read your “Dazed and Confused” article and it helped me a bit too, but I have a situation that I would like to hear about from an outside, male point of view. For the record, I am female and this is about my boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months and a "friend" of his. Here it goes.......... On a Thursday night he calls me at 6pm to say he is going to a male friend’s house to work on a vehicle---I figure it is really out of character for him to go out so late, but believed him just the same. He says he will call me when he gets back. No call by 10pm, so I try to call him---no answer. I go to bed and sleep. The next morning I get up to go to his house, I find a card from a woman friend of his that is very provocative and sexually suggestive with him and how she likes it. Then I proceed to the bathroom to find a "used" condom in the trash. I call him on his cell phone immediately to tell him of my findings. He acts confused and says he has no idea what I am talking about, except the card in his room on his dresser. He owns up to that and says he forgot to throw it away. He tells me to leave things as they are and he will take care of them when he gets home. His phone records show that he called the female friend in the afternoon at 5pm and that she called him back at 6pm when we were on the phone. He said he had to take the call, it was his boss—so he lied here. I left to go to work and came back later to have him tell me that he had had friends that stopped by while he was out that Thursday night ---although, they supposedly did not tell him that they were stopping, nor did he "see" them. According to him, they borrowed the house to "play"; thus the condom. And for the card, he told me that his friend did give it to him and he told her that it was not appropriate as he and I are in a relationship. She stopped by to see him, before he left for the male friend's house after they spoke on the phone. He says he did NOT do anything with her and still says the same 2 months later. She became quite obsessed after that and started leaving notes around his house, so he had the locks changed to keep her out and supposedly "talked to her and told her to stop it!!" I was not allowed to be around when the phone call took place. He felt it would case too much conflict. Now, the lock has been changed and for 1 month he kept it locked but now he keeps "forgetting" to lock it and once he lost his keys in the driveway and did not go back to lock it, because he was "late" for work. I know the keys were not outside, they were on his desk, but I did not argue the point. Should I believe that he did NOTHING with this female friend that night? He did admit to being with her shortly before he and I got together. I am in love with him and I don't really want to end it, but I am not sure if I can keep going on with this, because I feel the lies are keeping us from being together completely. Yes, I do know that he has lied to me before and he knows I know. For example, he told me that another female friend of his knew about me, but when I called to talk to her if she knew me, she said she did not, so I asked him about this and he said he had kept me a secret from her. She lives in another town about 45 minutes away, so it was easy to keep me a secret from her. He apologized a few times for keeping me a secret and said that he felt his private life was HIS private life and she just did not need to know. But he did say he was sorry and he said he takes full blame for that Am I crazy for staying in this relationship? Am I the only one to try to make this work fully and monogamously? Please help me and tell me from your side. And please be bluntly and honest – I NEED that. Respectfully, Painfully in love, Hello! I answer every email I get - even the "tough" ones. However, I don't think you're going to like my answer. Let's begin here with you: what in the hell are you doing going to his house when he's not there, looking through his trash, checking his cell phone, reading his mail, calling his ex-girlfriends, etc.? You found some things you don't like - big deal. What I tell people is this: any "evidence" found during the commission of a crime is inadmissible! You have absolutely no idea what the context of any of this is! Perhaps his friends really DID come over and bang it out when he wasn't there. Perhaps he really DID call his "friend" and tell her those things, etc. I can see exactly why he lies to you. You've told him through your actions (and likely, words) that he can't be honest with you. Don't blame him for this - you've created it yourself. That's a terrible foundation for a "relationship". Now, let's deal with the trust issues: you're making a huge mistake here about what trust is and where it comes from. It DOES NOT come from what he does or says. It comes entirely from within you. Let me give you an example: if he were to promise to pick something up for you from the store, or to take your car in for an oil change, etc., would you "trust" him to do it? Of course you would. Here's why: because if he didn't do these things, so what? You'd just do them yourself and be fine with it. Here, you're expecting him to do and say things to make you trust him. Then, because you actually lack belief in yourself (specifically, the belief to be a good partner to him, the belief that he wants to be only with you, the belief that he is in love with you, etc.), you feel you have to sneak around behind his back and find evidence that frankly, isn't real evidence at all. The only real (read: absolute) evidence you can have is to actually find him with someone else. Now, all of this said, he may be running around behind your back. Frankly, neither you nor I know, but that really isn't the issue here. What is at issue are your goals. What do you want in your life? What do you want in your relationship? Do you want to be with someone that you love, trust, respect, etc., or do you want to be with someone you have none of these things for? If your current relationship isn't giving these things to you, don't sit around waiting to see if it eventually will. Make some decisions about your own life and go make them happen. If that involves having a sit-down with your boyfriend (I think it should), then do it, but don't expect him to try to make you feel right about things, and don't just make assumptions about his wants being the same as yours. Instead, really listen to what he wants and compare it to what you want. If they match, then you need to get started working on yourself to solve these issues you have with mistrust, spying, etc. If not, then its time to move on. Best regards... Dear Dr. Neder, I really need your advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems about my neediness and his independence. I have a hard time finding a balance. I'm the type who always enjoys quality time with my boyfriend every chance we get, however, he's the type who needs his space and likes to hang out with the guys. We don't see each every day, maybe twice a week and on the weekends. I'm trying to work on being more independent, and not have him be the source of my happiness. What can I do to be more independent and less needy? I know my insecurities cause a strain on our relationship. I think he'd rather spend time with his friends than spend time with me. I need to work on being more secure with myself. Please help me! Thank you so much. Hello! I agree. Seeing someone 4 days out of 7 - a majority - should be enough for you both to work on your relationship. The #1 thing you can do for yourself is to sit down and work on your goals. Right now, I'll bet you don't have any. There are 5 main areas of your life: relationship, physical (health), family and friends, spiritual and education/work. Have you sat down to really consider what your goals in these areas are? Each one should have at least one future goal attached. Some will have more - as many as 10 major goals for some people! That is a lot of work just determining what these goals are. But consider the work involved in getting there - that takes time and effort. Once you've established what these goals are, the next step is to set the plan to achieve them. What resources will you need? What people are important to accomplishing your goals? What new skills do you need? There are a hundred such questions you need to ask yourself. But setting these goals is only the first set; creating the plan is the second. Once this is done you have to actually get moving on accomplishing them! Determine your benchmarks - in other words, how will you know that you are moving along the path to accomplishing your goals and more important: how will you know when you've reached them? You might find that 3 days a week just isn't enough time to work on all these goals and that you actually need less time with your boyfriend. Further, this will help you change the focus of your life from your relationship (exclusively) to other things that are important to you. What's most important here however isn't just doing something - it's in whom you will become by setting out on the journey. That's what goals do - they change you and make you grow. In growing and becoming more, do you also think you'll become a better partner for your boyfriend? You bet. By the way - do you know the difference between a "dream" and a "goal"? Just two things: 1) a specific outcome (not "I want to make more money", but "I want to make an additional $1,200 per month") and 2) a specific timeframe ("I will earn an additional $1,200 per month by December, 2005." Best regards... Men - do you want a great way to get her "ready and receptive"? Learn to give a great massage! Touching her with strength and finesse says so many things about you - like you're going to spend some time on her - you're not going to just get in, get off and bolt. Not only will a great massage relax her, but it will help her get in the mood for more. If you want to be the guy she has to see again - give a great massage. Prepare the Area You want to be in a private, quite place with you give a sensual massage. Make sure that the phone is off the hook, and that you're not going to be bothered by the door, kids, animals, etc. Select some soothing music and turn off the lights except for lighting some candles - preferably scented. What, you don't have these at your place? This might be a good time to invest in a "Massage Kit". You're also going to need a couple of sheets - one to cover your work area, (you don't want massage oil staining your couch!), and another to cover her. If she feels "exposed" or cold she isn't going to relax and let you, ah, work - yeah work! So, as you work, uncover only the area you want to massage. Then, cover it again to keep the area warm. As you massage the skin, blood flows into that area. This blood causes the area to redden and to warm. You don't want this to turn to chill, so be sure to cover your finished areas. Finally, you should also have some water available. Many people feel thirsty after a massage. This is because working muscles causes all sorts of chemicals to be released into the body. Massage Methods You've probably heard of all types of massage techniques - Shiatsu, Swedish, Rolfing, etc., are all different types of massage with different goals. Don't worry about all of this. You don't need to focus on the type of massage - only the goal. Your goal should be to sooth and relax your er, victim! In the next sections, we'll explore this in greater detail. When you give a massage keep in mind the following points:
Now, let's explore each of these points: Massage Muscle, Not Skin Try this: rub your fingers gently over the skin of your arm. Now, press harder and move the skin without dragging your fingers across it. This is the difference between caressing and a massage. Remember that massages are for muscles below the skin - not for the skin itself. You want a deep, penetrating effect - not something superficial. This is because the nerves in the skin tire very quickly. Further, many people are ticklish - not just on their feet, but all over their bodies! You want a massage to be relaxing and focused - not an irritant! As well, you want to stay away from bones. By pressing hard on the skin just over a bone, you're going to cause pain - not pleasure (well, to some, pain IS pleasure - but that's another article!) Unless you know your human anatomy you're probably not going to know where your woman's bones are; so, before you begin rubbing an area, make sure that the tissue below the skin is soft. In fact, use the relatively softness to determine how hard to press. For example, press your fingers into your relaxed stomach. This softness tells you that there are no bones below your fingers - only organs. You don't want to press into an area like this very hard. On the other hand, when you press your fingers into your thigh, you can feel how firm the tissue feels here. This is because of the underlying bone. When you're massaging a woman's back, shoulders, legs or arms, look for this firmness as a good place to work. Work on Large Muscle Groups There are only a few of them in the body - mostly in the neck, back, shoulders and legs. By concentrating on the large muscle groups, not only is your massage more efficient - you are getting the largest source of body tension - but you're also preventing damage. On either side of the spine are large muscle groups (called "Latissimus Dorsi" if you care to know). These are the long, strong muscles that keep you standing up - and are great places to work. Again, you have to be careful here, because just underneath these muscles are the ribs - and you know how ticklish some people are here! Use Firm, Even Pressure Pressure that is too light or inconsistent (light, heavy and light again), can be as uncomfortable as too much pressure. Be sure to use an even amount - not too hard, and not too light when giving a massage. In fact, it is better to start out somewhat lightly and ask if she wants more. Gently increase your strength until she indicates that it is enough. Use a Lubricant You should never try anything but the most minor of massages without lubricating the skin. For example, if you want to rub her shoulders that's one thing. If you're going to give a skin-to-skin massage, always use a lubricant. Lubes help to both prepare the skin and to protect it. Don't use Vaseline or Wesson oil to massage her - you want the lubricant to be absorbed by the skin. You should also stay away from lubes that are absorbed too quickly like hand lotions. Why not pick up lightly scented massage oil - you'll definitely use it! Just Follow the Numbers Ok, so how do you progress? First, your lady should be undressed (oh - you dog you!) and lying on her stomach. Make sure her hair is out of the way of your "work area". Next, pick up the lubricant or oil you have selected and squeeze some onto your palm. Don't drip it directly on her skin - it may be cold. You can rub your hands together to warm both the oil and your skin. Even on a hot evening, try to make sure you're your hands warmer than the air. This difference helps remind her to relax. Next follow these steps:
Remember, once you start the massage, her skin will absorb the oil or lotion you applied to your hands. So, continue to re-lube regularly. Also, humans are "bilateral" - that is we have a balance between the right and left. Don't neglect one side for the other - keep things balanced. The "Master's" Massage Ready to graduate? Learn to give a great foot massage! When you're massaging someone's feet, you've got to be careful, as many women are ticklish here. If you drag your fingers over the feet lightly, she's liable to flinch - negating the work you've already done in getting her relaxed. When you work the feet remember that there are many areas - each with their own needs. So, start with the heel. Firmly grab her heel and push it up toward her leg, pull it down and work it side to side. The heel contains a number of very small, very strong muscles. Next, work your thumbs on the under side (called the "plantar" side) of her foot (in general, or unless she asks, avoid the top of the feet). Again, use deep slow pressure with the tips of your thumbs - don't do it too gently or it's going to feel like you're tickling her. Work the balls of her feet and in between her toes. Also, pull on each toe for about 10 seconds - don't jerk, just give a smooth, strong tug. In general the feet of even small women are very strong. They can take a much more intense massage than the rest of her, but be sure to watch her reactions. Further, ask her what she likes, and follow her directions! The Ending - The Beginning Once you've completed the massage, get a soft towel to wipe her body down. This is just to remove any remaining lotion or oil, and to let her know that the massage is over. What's That - She's Drooling?? Actually, professional massage therapists use sleep or even drooling as a sign they've done their job well. Don't take it as an insult - just realize she's really into what you're doing! Financial Accounting in
Relationships Dr. Neder, I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. I am 27 and he is 31. My boyfriend has not slept home in his own apartment, which he shares with his brother, in almost 2 months. He likes the heat at 85. I like it at 70. My electric bill for my one-bedroom apartment came the other day, and it was $191. I was annoyed. I feel like he should pay for it. I also feel like he should be paying some of the rent if he's going to be staying at my house every night. Not to be too precocious, but the fact of the matter is, he's getting all the benefits of living with me: sex, my company, waited on hand and foot, and he's not paying for it! I'm annoyed at the very least. My friends say he should pay the difference in the electric bill. I don't think that's enough. I don't think we're ready to move in together, but I think he should be helping me out more. In his defense, he does bring me dinner every night and pick up soda and cat food and he owns a gas station so I get free gas. There are definite financial perks, but I feel like he's living with me for free. Can you advise? Thanks. Hello! If you want a roommate - and for this to become a business deal - stop being the "girlfriend" and start being a landlord. In regards to the "benefits" of sex and your company: that's pretty damn arrogant! You TOO are getting those benefits! If you weren't all you'd need to do is get fresh batteries for your vibrator and spend more time with your cat! As far as the electric bill, it sounds like you're more than compensated with the free gas, pet food, dinners, etc. If all you're looking for is a ledger accounting, pull out a sheet of paper and make a list, draw a balance and give him a bill - or pay your own half if goes his way. Relationships are rarely "equitable". In fact, it's usually the GUY that pays by far the most, not the girl. That doesn't mean that money has to exchange hands however. It means that there should be some trade-offs. For instance, if your boyfriend is buying you dinner every night, that's easily going to add up to far more than the electric bill. Thus, you're actually saving money here! If you wait on him "hand and foot", that's your choice - and your "investment" in this relationship. Things like rent, cable and other hard costs are things you'd have to pay anyway if he wasn't there, so no, you shouldn't expect him to pay for these things. If your utilities go way up, and you can't afford to pay for them - even though he's paying for other (much more expensive) things, then you have a financial problem that he's not going to solve for you! Look, I'm not trying to take the guy's side here, but it seems that YOU are in control of what happens. If you don't like it, boot his ass out and make him sleep at his own place. Don't trade sex and love for money. We have names for women like that and I don't think you're one of them. Best regards... Why are Beautiful Women
Crazy? Let's face it - sometimes we men thing ALL women are crazy! The fact is - everyone is crazy sometimes. Yes - even you (maybe ESPECIALLY you - you be the judge). That is, everyone does things that others perceive as crazy. Many women seem to be particularly prone to acts of craziness. Beautiful women are even more so. What makes beautiful women more likely to be crazy? The simple answer is, that they are given more opportunity to be crazy, and crazy behavior seems to be more readily accepted from them. That is, they learn crazy behavior and that they can get away with it. Further, we men often help them along by allowing (even encouraging) craziness in our relationships with them. Before we get too deeply into all of this, let's explore some concepts we'll use in a few moments: *"Crazy" verse "Neurotic" A psychologist friend of mine says, "Neurotics build castles in the sky,psychotics live in them, and psychologists collect the rent!" It's important to differentiate "crazy" and "neurotic". Specifically, neurotic behavior can be thought of as individual actions that seem inappropriate, obsessive, or dangerous - particularly in the context of a situation. Crazy behavior is more of a lifestyle and usually involves psychotic activity. It affects almost every aspect of a person's life, and tends to directly impact those that come in contact with the crazy person. We've all heard jokes about "that time of the month" or "being one boy scout short of a jamboree", etc., but you really need to look closely at a new girlfriend's behavior to see how its going to impact you in the long run. You see, she will probably not start off showing you craziness early in your relationship. If she starts saying or doing crazy things when you first meet her, walk away and don't look back - this is the best she's going to be! Here are some examples of crazy behavior:
It is appropriate to note that men can be crazy too. However, because of societal pressures on men, they don't seem to be crazy (or neurotic) quite as frequently as women. In general crazy behavior is not tolerated as readily in men as in women. For the remainder of this article, we'll use the word "crazy" to refer to women that are neurotic or mildly crazy - not the clinically insane. Best Sex You'll Ever Have Yes - it's sad but true; you'll never have sex like the sex you get with crazy women. Why? It seems that acting crazy automatically reduces or eliminates concern for the views of others. They get "used to" being viewed by others and learn to ignore it, or even revel in the attention it brings. Thus, the crazy lady is more likely to be open to new ideas, especially sex. However, always remember that crazy women are not necessarily more sexual - this is a common misconception of the past. The one exception to this is the obsessive woman who focuses too heavily on what people think. However, this tends to be more of a self-image issue than true neurotic behavior. Crazy Is As Crazy Does Actions speak louder than words - it really doesn't matter what she says. In fact, unless you're well versed in translating "Womenese" into English, focus 90 to 95% of your attention on her actions. Watch what she does. Does she need to rub the body of an airplane before she boards it for good luck? Does she make weekly visits to a tarot card reader? Will she avoid making decisions until she gets the advice of "Boots", her cat? There are many highly intelligent women that are crazy. Why does this make a difference? Because, many of these intelligent women are also usually high-functioning. That is, they; despite their mental states, can proceed through life without severe barriers. They make others around them think that they are perfectly sane and rational. So much so that many people simply brush off their crazy behavior as eccentric. You Don't Have To Buy Into It! I have an adage that I live by - I ignore all neurotic statements made by normal people, and ANY statement made by neurotic people! Remember, regardless of how beautiful she is you don't have to put up with craziness - especially if it impacts your life! Can you change her? Well, if you're a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, or other health care professional - maybe. The next question is, should you? Probably not. The time and effort in trying to change someone's behavior that has likely been learned over a lifetime is enormous. Ok, so what if you're already in a relationship with a crazy woman and you're committed to making it work? First, you should check you own motivations - I know too many men that spend their lives trying to fix their partner's problems. They do this first for their own sense of accomplishment. Then, when they fail it becomes something of a quest - they continue to beat their heads against the wall. If you still think you can change her, the very first thing you need to do is let her know that you will absolutely not accept any further crazy behavior - in other words, you expect her to act sane. When she beings an "episode", bring her back to reality and have her confirm it. For example, a black cat crosses your path and she freaks, say, "Honey, black cats have no meaning and we left superstition back in the last millennium - right?" Frankly, for some people it is next to impossible, especially if she really has some organic problem. Remember however, we're talking about neurotic women here, not the clinically insane. What do you do when she slips back into neurotic behavior? Bring the specific action to her attention immediately and remind her that you will not tolerate it. Then, take her home and tell her that when she decides to be rational, she can call you - but not before. In order for this to work, you're going to have to be consistent. If you let your guard down even once, you're opening the door for more of that zaniness, and you'll have to start back at square one. You should also get her into some type of counseling as quickly as you can. Many productive lives have been saved by a few sessions with someone trained to recognize and redirect neurotic behavior. Neurotic behavior can sometimes get worse if not treated. Many men, having originally gone for the "10's" are settling for the "7's", "8's" and "9's" in order to get away from all the drama. I also believe that this is at least one of the reasons why you see so many beautiful women on the arms of older guys (besides the obvious - money, power, etc.) These guys are better able to handle all the wackiness of being with these women. So, what's it going to be - a crazy trophy, or a
sane, down to earth pretty girl? You decide. Ok, so you've been on three dates together and you're ready for something a little bit more, er, "mature". How do you go about making that first move? This article will explore that important, terrifying step. Men: unless you're James Bond (by the way - you're not!) she probably isn't going to excuse herself and "slip into something more comfortable". If she does, it's probably going to be some flannel pajamas, slippers, and a bathrobe - a sign that she's ready for you to leave! Women expect that you know when to make your move. Further, they expect you to be sophisticated and smooth about it. Clumsy, boyish behavior doesn't fit with her image of being "swept off her feet", and you don't really want this critical step to end in laughter! The Rules First, let's explore the rules for The First Move: 1) Women control the speed of the relationship - and the sex - not men. 2) Women know if they'll sleep with you within 5 minutes of meeting you. 3) Even if a woman does go out with you, she won't tell you if she plans to sleep with you or not! 4) Women will usually NOT make the first move. 5) If you don't make the right move at the right time, the women will usually think you're weak, an oaf, gay, or just not interested. 6) Women and men view sex differently - women use sex to bond and create intimacy, men use sex to decide if they want to get more intimate. How to Make That "First Move" (for Men): Because of the rules stated above, you have to be somewhat careful of when and where to make your move. You want this to appear spontaneous, and, with the right preparation - you can! These seem to go against each other - prepare to be spontaneous? Yes - remember the 7 "P's": "Prior, Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance!" Give some thought to your moves before using them. This will help to make them appear more comfortable and therefore spontaneous. So, with that introduction, here are the steps: 1) Be sure you're ready - once you begin, you can't go back! Just like that move when you were in High School where you stretch and your arm "just happens" to wind up around your date's shoulder. Also, do you have a condom? You don't? Then forget it! Remember: "No glove - NO LOVE!" 2) Be reasonably sure she's ready. How do you know she's ready? You can't really be 100 percent sure, but you can get pretty close if you just pay attention. First, is she using the right body language? For example:
Also, has she just told you she has an early-morning meeting, or has relatives staying at her place? She is probably telling you that this isn't the right time. In short, be open to clues. 3) Make sure you're in the right place. Once you get things started, you don't want to have to stop and drive somewhere else. Why not get there and then make your move - you'll keep things from cooling off - and possibly a change of heart. Also, make sure that you're in a private setting - even if you're in the back seat of your car. Nothing spoils the mood like someone watching (well, unless you both are into that!) 4) Plan plenty of time Having an appointment in 30 minutes isn't going to create a romantic atmosphere. Be sure you have enough time to really spend getting you both ready. 5) Have a proper "buildup" You don't want to show up at her door, walk in and start putting on the moves. Poor form old buddy! Plan a simple, but romantic date. Don't go to the movies or the theatre - you need time to talk and establish a connection. 6) Ready? Ok, let's go So, what's the first thing you should do? Get your confidence up. Wait for a comfortable break in the conversation. Then, take her hands in yours, draw her close to you and gently kiss her on the lips. Don't shove your tongue down her throat, and don't kiss her like she's your grandmother. Make it linger just a little too long, and give her a chance to respond. You might also want to offer a back or foot massage - these are almost impossible to resist! 7) When she's ready to move, she'll usually let you know But, what if she doesn't? Some women let you take charge when they're ready. You can start by kissing her neck and gently nibbling on her lower lip. Brush your nose gently around hers. Explore her neck and face with yours. Run your hands around her back, then slowly to her ass. Note her reactions. 8) Don't go for the "goodies" until you've spent some time earning them! If you're in a hurry to get her out of her clothes, she'll assume that you're just as fast at everything else. Let things build on their own - at their own pace. Let them move along slowly, don't force them - or get in the way of them either! How to Make That "First Move" (for Women): Frankly, this is a lot easier for women. You probably already know what to do. Here's a checklist: 1) Make sure you're ready. If you're trying to seduce him just because you're afraid of losing him, you're not in the best place and should reconsider. Also, you should carry condoms on you. Remember - you both are responsible for preventing the spread of disease and unwanted children! 2) Don't worry about him - he's ready! 3) Ask him to go some place more private - like your place You don't really need to go into anything more than this - the invitation is all that's necessary. 4) Let him know that you're ready If you're not comfortable just telling him (few women are!), let him know in other ways. Use open body language, get close to him and use physical contact, lay your head on this chest, use eye contact, talk "sex", etc. 5) Important - give the conversation a break! This is the most often missed aspect of the first move. If he is politely listening to you and you go on and on without a break - where's he supposed to jump in? If you're nervous, this is especially difficult. Just try to be aware of your conversation. 6) There is nothing wrong with you making the first move You absolutely can put your hands on either side of his face and kiss him. In fact, some men actually wait for this because they don't know when to make a move themselves. You can even tell him that you're ready. 7) Feeling bold? I've had many women tell me that they were ready by standing up and stripping for me, or take off their blouse and turn to walk into the bedroom. I mean, how obvious do you need to get? If this doesn't work for him, you've got the wrong guy! 8) Help him along This is a strange thing to say, but many women don't understand that their men might not know what to do - or at least what you like. If you don't tell him (or subtly show him), how's he going to know? Believe me, men don't read minds! First-Sex Etiquette Many people don't know what to do after the first sexual experience with a new partner. At least the first time, don't plan to spend the night. Why not? If you do, you'll probably need your regular things for the morning - toothbrush, deodorant, denture cream, (just kidding!), etc. If you whip out the overnight kit, all of your work making this a spontaneous event will be lost. Also, don't just jump up grab your clothes and bolt! Spend some time cuddling or at least telling stories and having a laugh. This doesn't have to be deep and intimate - just spend some time saying that you enjoyed each other. You might want to grab some dessert out of the fridge, or watch the end of an old movie. Men - if you want an encore performance, this step is critical! Finally, have fun! This isn't the end - it's the
beginning! Doctor: What do men really want out of life? Do they really want to get married or do they just want to have sex with whomever until they get old or do they have to feel alone before they make the step into a relationship? What do men really think of women and what do they expect out of women? You hear a lot of points of views from women on how men should act and what they think they should do. I want to know a man's point of views on relationships, getting married and being alone. I have found out that a lot of groups that are for men and women only favor their own sex. And why do you tell men and women to have sex in their relationship if they are not married you know it causes one or the other to form an attachment or love which in turn hurts when the other doesn't feel the same way about you. Hello! Well, aren't we full of questions this morning! First, I don't believe that there is any one "model" that fits all men or all women. Everyone is different and is motivated by different things. With that said however, I do believe that marriage and commitment isn't as attractive to most men as it is to most women, and I think that's what the bulk of your questions are about. Men struggle every single day to meet the goals that are imposed on them by society. Sure, you're thinking, "Well, so do women!" but there's a difference. Men's impositions have been around for a long time and are actually the fabric of our society and culture. Women's are more "self-imposed". For instance, men are expected to hold down steady jobs, provide for themselves and their families and to do everything (including in relationships) with "honor". That means being up-front and direct. Women are under no such obligation! For instance, when a woman loses her job, she may be concerned, but it doesn't relate directly to her self-image. Men's jobs ARE directly related in this way. Men that don't provide for themselves and their families are looked down upon and ridiculed by society! I'm sure you even know of direct examples of this. Another example comes directly from relationships. I hear women say all the time, "Well, he wasn't up-front about things from the beginning..." ...and therefore he's a "dog" or a "pig" or something else. However, women are NEVER up-front about their intentions in relationships! Studies have continued to show that women have all sorts of tools they use to get guys to expose their agenda's up front without having to do so themselves! I've never heard any woman (or man for that matter) chastise a woman for this! In fact, it's even glorified and made to seem "cute" by the modern media! With commitment, consider that men and women view this very differently too. For example, women view commitment as security, future, family, love, closeness, support and many other "good" things. Men view commitment (and likewise, marriage) as responsibility, stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice, a life of toiling to meet the demands of that relationship, and many other "bad" things! These are very common feelings among most men. Yes, some men want to get married and yes, some men just want to have a lot of sexual partners throughout the rest of their lives. These are both valid goals, but it depends on the individual. Most women (not all) would prefer to enter into married arrangements and even our laws support women in doing so - against men! Men rarely come out ahead in divorces for instance, or family custody battles, or just about anything involved with dissolution. Frankly, with all the problems involved, I'm actually surprised that anyone gets married at all! As to why I tell people that they should have sex before getting married, it's because I believe that our sexualities are the most powerful part of our personalities. By learning about this so-powerful aspect of ourselves, we also learn about how we can function within married situations. People say that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, and I agree. However, it's in the top three! That makes it significant enough to stress it as a priority. Anyone that gets married without having explored the other person's (and their own) sexuality is simply assuming that an unhealthy relationship is acceptable, and that they'll handle the consequences when they come to them. That's absurd! Marriage isn't a passing thought - it's a life long commitment! Further, nobody falls in love because they have sex. That is a fallacy. If it were true, there'd be a lot fewer marriages, and a lot more vibrator sales! People (particularly women) ALLOW themselves to fall in love with an ideal - not the real person. This generally comes from an immature idea of sex and relationships - something that can be solved by exploring sex in a more healthy way! Considering the benefits a person gains through sexual experience I can't think of a better answer than to recommend and encourage it. Best regards... I have been dating a man for two years now. The first year was filled with cheating and lies (on his part - I am as loyal as they come). We moved in together after he did some soul searching and since then things have been great. I finally feel that I can trust him and actually have felt 95% sure of our relationship. I do everything for him that I can because I love it, in all areas of a relationship. However, over the past two weeks there have been a few things that have caused me some concern. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like "something’s up". He's not distant and nothing has changed, but I am getting that gut feeling over a few small things, like, the cell phone ringing and he isn't answering it saying it is a friend that he doesn’t want to talk to. Today when I met him for lunch he had a notepad on his desk and broke his arm to turn it over so I couldn't see it. I don't know what to do. It is affecting my behavior as he has asked me if something is wrong. I say nothing and "pretend" everything is fine. I am sick over it. What should I do? I think that I should continue to be wonderful and if something is up it will eventually surface, but I am feeling like a cow being let to slaughter. How would you handle this? Please help me!! Hello! First, you have no proof of anything - you're just feeling insecure about it. Is that really something to hinge the relationship on? I don't think so. It's not unusual to have feelings of insecurity at times. These will fade - unless you inflict them on the relationship! Then, you're going to have to deal with the mistrust issues on their own merit because you lack proof. Speaking of trust, let's discuss that for a moment: "Trust" is something that comes from inside of you - not outside. Nobody can "make you trust them." That just isn't how trust works. Let me give you a few examples: do you "trust" him to pick up something from the store when he promises? Do you "trust" him to meet you at the airport? Of course you do. You see, you "trust" not because you absolutely know a thing is going to happen. You "trust" because of the weight YOU put on that issue and how YOU can handle it if it doesn't work out. If he forgets to get bread, you can just run out and get it yourself, and your relationship will be saved. If he gets stuck in traffic, you'll pick up your cell phone and determine that he's on his way and you'll live happily ever after. Your trust for him within the relationship works the same way. When you know that you are the key component in your own happiness, nobody else can make that happen for you. Feelings of insecurity that creep in from time to time won't have an affect on your relationship because you trust yourself to make the right judgments and the right choices. If you actually determined that he was unfaithful to you, even that wouldn't affect your trust! The reason is that you'd say, (as I would, since you asked how I would handle this), "Too bad for him - going out for beer when he had champagne at home..." Then, you'd simply move on and find someone that appreciates champagne! The bottom line? Without proof, you don't know that anything either is or isn't going on. Simply suspecting someone isn't enough - everyone goes through periods of interest in other people outside of their relationships - even you. Being attracted to someone isn't the same as starting a relationship with them or having sex with them. It's a natural part of any growing relationship. Best regards... Being a Coward and Taking
It Slow Hey Doc: I met this really beautiful girl last semester. I'm about to turn 35 and she's about to turn 21. I asked her out, and things were going very well between the two of us. We were spending part of almost every day together, with weekends being almost all day. We were going places and having fun, and I even took her on a trip to see her favorite team play. Both of us had never been happier. This was the first relationship for her. I've browsed the Internet, and as far as flirting signals go, she gave me virtually all of them! Well, I wanted to go slow with this girl to show her and her parents I respected her. I met her parents Thanksgiving, and they both seemed to like me then...Not so after Christmas for some reason. They knew there was an age difference, as did she. Everybody seemed fine with it. Then, things started to go bad. I got very sick the first week of December. I was hoping to be able to kiss her about this time, but didn't want to give her my infection. I even gave her candy kisses when we went to the Christmas dance together and told her she could trade them in later for the real thing. She went home for Christmas and was gone for a month. When she returned, I noticed a change in how she was responding to me. In the middle of January, she gave me back the kisses, and demanded that I kiss her "for real". I was still a little sick but finally gave in and gave her a couple of light kisses on the lips. This was her very first kiss. I could tell she seemed disappointed. So I asked her about it. She said she wasn't, but I could tell she was by her body language. From there, everything went downhill. Literally. The next night, she told me she needed time & space, and that she didn't want to date anymore. After numerous calls to her and her avoiding me, I finally got a call from her dad telling me to leave her alone! Do you think it was a confidence issue, or her dad, or a combination of both? Thanks for your help. Hello! Congratulations - you've turned her into a lesbian! (just joking) This "take it slowly" attitude is your undoing. You've completely destroyed any chance you'll ever have with this woman out of that attitude. This is exactly where your lack of confidence was rooted out by her and her family. Women don't want to date other women (unless...well, you know), they want to date MEN. I get letters all the time from women that complain about this very fact. They crave the things that we are as men because it's so different from what they are. By taking it slow, what you're really saying is that you're a coward. You're afraid to move things along at a normal pace. Further, you don't really understand how women think or feel. They want to be swept off their feet by a man that knows what he wants and where he's going. You spent all sorts of time and money on her but never gave her what she really wanted. Do you know what differentiates a "date" from two friends getting together? A kiss! But, not that friendly kiss on the cheek - it's has to be a full mouth, romantic, expressive kiss. It has to say "Hey there's more here than just familiarity." This was her first experience with a pseudo-boyfriend, and it went very poorly. When she meets a real man, she's going to see how things should be - and why you actually harmed her first experience! Sorry ol' boy, that's the way it is. Her father and brother see this, and believe me, their not going to let her get even more of that treatment from you. My brother, do yourself a favor and get your education straightened out. Get a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and learn what the game is really all about. Until you do, you're going to be stuck in this same deadly cycle. I think you deserve more, don't you? Best regards... The "Independent
Woman" - A Recipe for Disaster Dear Dr., I am utterly confused. I met this 44-year-old bachelor a number of months ago. I was not looking for love but he was charming and it just happened. We went very fast because after 20 years of marriage, I did not know how to be a girlfriend just a wife (I am 38). We fought a lot during the first months mostly because he was trying to control me and being an independent woman I fought him. One day when I said I had it (which I did many times before out of fear I would say that so I could protect myself) he accepted and let me go. Three weeks later he called and asked me out to dinner. He said he wanted to be my best friend. Over the next 6 months...he has taken me out to dinner usually once a week...he threw me a surprise birthday party inviting all his friends (I am new so i do not have many friends) ... went on vacation with me and my children.....calls everyday.... but no sex during this period except for once during vacation. Two months ago he pulled back -- calling me everyday but refusing to see me. He gave me many excuses why he wasn’t seeing me. He doesn’t invite me to parties with him anymore (although he never tells me he is going to one – he says he has business meetings) and doesn’t invite me to hang out with him and his friends. After a month of not seeing him at his request, we finally saw each other and spent a wonderful night together. He stayed over but no sex! He said he is not rejecting me, and that it’s him (whatever that means). Do I just let this friendship continue and see where it goes? The problem with that is that I have a deep longing for him. I will not date or sleep with others while we have a chance because that is not the person I am. Please help, how can I tell he loves and cares for me as a women without asking him? Could he care like this as a friend? Regards Hello! Ah yes! The "independent woman syndrome”. Frankly, my students know to look (or listen) for this and to run for the hills when they see it coming. "Why" you're probably asking? Because it's simply a manifestation of the current "feminized society" - one in which many women have bought into but frankly, it's also the reason that so many women are reporting the greatest dissatisfaction with their relationships of any time in history! What does this have to do with your situation? Read on... By espousing the fact that you're an "independent woman" you're also saying that you don't need anyone in your life to be happy. Guess what that mindset does to you and your relationships? It actually makes it come about! Now, I can't read this guys mind to know exactly what he's thinking, but I'll bet it has something to do with this attitude! Not only is it artificial (obviously so to those that understand it), but also dangerous. In effect it's the backlash to another unhealthy attitude/psychological issue, that of co-dependence. Here's another way to think: what about being "inter-dependent"? My new book talks much more about this concept, but in short; it takes your greatest skills and combines them with your partner’s greatest skills to become a real "power couple". Neither person has to fight for "independence" or worry that they aren't self-able. Instead, these two choose to be together and to draw off the strengths of the other to make themselves and their relationship something truly unique. Much of what you've described about your relationship sounds like your boyfriend trying to get enough distance to re-grow his own testicles and to find a relationship in which he can be the man. Do you think that your attitude here is conducive to him feeling sexual towards you? There's a lot of speculation in this response, since I don't know you or your situation. However, I've seen this same scenario time and again and it all starts with "...I'm an independent woman..." Interestingly, when you really delve into this statement, I've never seen a woman that wants to be truly "independent" because that simply leads to autonomy and being alone. This obviously isn't your goal. I suggest that you rethink your position and how it affects your relationship. Being an independent woman is trendy, but not very attractive to most men. Further, you don't really want this guy as your "friend" do you? You want something more. If he isn't able to give that to you - for whatever reason, perhaps it's time to move on and find someone that is. Just be sure you have something to offer your new partner too. Best regards...
Living Together
Before Marriage Ok I have just finished reading one of your articles on the wrong reasons to marry. After I read that article I read another talking about living with your boy/girl friend before marriage. This article said that people should live with each other before getting married to get used to it. I have never lived with my fiancée of 2 1/2+ years and we are still thinking it is a good idea. I wanted to know your views on the situation. I grew up believing that it is wrong and that having kids out of wed-lock is bad as well for the child and for you. I don’t think this article was very agreeable to some people like me and I wanted your opinion on weather I was right or wrong. Thank you in advance and I hope to hear the answer soon. Hello! I agree that having children when you're not married to the father is a bad idea. Having children is the most selfish thing a person can do. After all, the kid doesn't ask to be born - it's just the parents deciding that they want little carbon copies of themselves running around that makes this happen! Thus, I believe that these kids deserve everything to their favor - including a married, committed home. On the other hand, I agree with the article regarding living together. Until you actually live with someone else, you can't possibly know what it's going to be like. How unfair for two people to be thrust into a live-in situation without knowing what they are in for. Once the marriage is absolute, that's a very bad time to find out about how your partner lives! I soundly believe that any couple that wants to be married had better live together first. Now, with that said, you need to understand this fact: studies show that there is a slight increase in the chance of divorce in couples that shacked up before getting married! That's an interesting situation, wouldn't you agree? However, I believe it's because most of these couples were engaged either before or got engaged during their live-in situation and saw this as a path along the way toward marriage - just as you are considering. That's not a bad thing in and of itself by the way. What is bad is these couples finding out that they have trouble living with their partners, and going ahead with the marriage any way! Just because they were living together as a step along the way, they figured that they could simply continue along and everything would be fine. My advice to any couple is this: first, set your goals. Decide exactly what it is that you want in your life. If a marriage is the only thing you need to be happy, don't wait for your partner - go have that wedding right now. Find anyone that will marry you and get happy! On the other hand, if you're looking for a good, solid, happy relationship with someone you love, respect and care for - and that loves, respects and cares for you, then set that as your goal and find the format for the relationship that works. Try living with that person first too. Decide if that is the right structure for your particular relationship. Only after you've done this should you consider being engaged. In a case like yours where you are already engaged, remember that living together is something of a trial run. If it doesn't work out, it's perfectly acceptable to "downsize" the relationship and go back to being a couple that doesn't live together. But, whatever you do, don't jump into a marriage if living together doesn't work out. Best regards... Dr, I saw your articles on the Internet and thought I would ask you about a problem that I have been dealing with. I don't know if you can help me but I am looking at every option possible because I feel like I am at the end of my rope. When I was very young 7 or 8 I was diagnosed with A.D.D. [Attention Deficit Disorder]. I do not remember this but I was informed by my father that I was. The Problem is that at first I was put on medication because I had problem in school and socially but my father who is in the medical field decided that medication was wrong and nothing else was done for me. Needless to say I was not informed of this until I was 30. I did poorly in High school was even held back 1 year in school with what few friends I had leaving me for other classes, I tried college but dropped out. My relationships are little to none. The few I have had usually didn't last long because and I managed to keep very few friends, which I regret every day. Now, I haven't been in a relationship for almost 10 years, yes 10 years! I have been on dates here and there but nothing to speak of. I guess I am very shy and I have very low self esteem, my family never had given me any reason to have any growing up. There is a girl that is recently divorce and I am very interested in her. I have talked with her before and at the time she seemed interested in me also. I found out that she has moved in next door to where I live and I am wondering how to go about asking her out; but I want to do it right. I have bought her a nice bottle of wine as a house warming gift but I haven't given it to her yet only because I seem to be getting mixed signals from her. She and I work in proximity to each other and I talked to her for awhile one day. The last thing she said to me was "Hey will you be home later I want to talk to you about something." I gave her my number but I never heard from her. In fact I've seen her once since then. So now I am somewhat confused. I don't know if she is living with someone or seeing someone else. I want to take the right steps but am unsure of what they are. Should I just walk over there one day with the wine and give it to her and try to start up a conversation, or try and call her apartment if it is listed and ask to drop it off instead of coming unannounced? Or, should I wait until I see her again? I believe that most women don't want to get into a serious relationship once they get a divorce so I intend to let her know that it is just a friendly date so we can get to know each other more. Thank you for your time and I hope maybe this letter could be of some use to your web site. Hello! You've really covered a lot of ground here, and I'll try to address as much of it as I can. First, you need to get this firmly into your head: being diagnosed with A.D.D. isn't the source of your trouble with women - it's your choice to ALLOW it to be the problem. I know many people with all sorts of mental problems and learning disabilities much more severe than yours that do just great with women! Unfortunately, it was "trendy" starting just about 25 years ago for boys (in particular) to be diagnosed with A.D.D. even when they had no such problem! You have to understand that this is a result of the "feminization of society" that I talk so heavily about. There is a general belief that little boys won't be successful in life unless they act how little girls act! For the majority of human history, we've understood that this was ridiculous and taught our boys differently from our girls. Most boys bounce off the wall all day, and most girls sit quietly in their seats. That's just the way it is - there's no A.D.D. involved at all in most cases! Your real trouble here is a lack of education about women and dating/relationships in general. No, you don't want to become her "friend" first - that is relationship death. No, you don't want to go leave a bottle of wine at her doorstep - that is very, very weak, and she'll see right through it. No, you don't want to be concerned that she's seeing someone else or that she has a boyfriend. None of this (in fact) matters! Regarding her mixed signals, women do this all the time. It's part of their own relationship training - and let's face it, women are much better at all of this then us guys are. They spend their entire lives studying it! When women throw mixed signals at you they are "testing the waters" to see exactly what you're interest level is up front. This way, they don't have to expose their own hands. It's not fair, but that's the way it is. You also need to know that women won’t call you even if you give them your number. It’s your job to call a woman – and they know it! When you didn’t ask for her number in return, you were in effect telling her that you weren’t interested. So, this leaves you with what to do now. First, you need to get your skills up to par. You've neglected your own relationship education and now have to get it up to where it should be. I strongly urge you to read the information on my website, and in my books and get your head on straight about women. You're really going to need this as you try to put something together with your neighbor. Second, you need to get over your self-image problems. This is going to take some work on your part, but you can do it and there are a ton of good resources out there. Third, you need to go talk to her. But, when you do, don't profess your feelings to her! Believe me; she already knows that you're interested in her. You just need to create the path for her to follow. Why not invite her out for a drink to get to know her better? Then, spend the time learning about her - in effect, gathering information. Don't spend it on yourself trying to find new ways to "out" yourself and your past! This is a journey - not a destination. You're going to need to get your chops up and you'll only do this by practicing. You're also going to make some mistakes. That's ok - but let's get them over with, shall we? Don't hold on to them just waiting to unload them all over someone, some day! My brother, your situation really isn't all that unusual. What's tragic about it is that you have the tools in your own hands to make things change. Will you decide to use them? I don't know - I can only hope. It's all up to you. Best regards... What’s the
Likelihood of Finding Your "Soul Mate"? I get a lot of mail from people that wonder if they’ll ever meet their "soul mate". That’s a reasonable question by itself, and it started me wondering. First, what is a "soul mate"? It’s a person that is your exact, perfect mate in all ways. There is a misunderstanding of this idea however. Most people assume that there’s only one soul mate for each person. In fact, there are thousands of perfect soul mates - maybe even hundreds of thousands or millions! Doesn’t that knowledge ease the burden of finding your own soul mate? Unless you’ve spent the last 10 years living in a bus terminal bathroom, you’ve probably heard of the "Human Genome Project" where human DNA is being mapped. There’s a lot of potential benefit coming out of this project, and also some very interesting findings. For instance, according to researchers in this project, did you know that there’s only about 1,000 different human "types"? That is, every 1,000th person you meet is perfectly identical to you genetically! That’s a very important discovery for many reasons. A second important discovery was made recently where it appears that women seem to prefer men that smell like their fathers - even if the father isn’t/wasn’t present in her life. I won’t go into all the [boring] science here, but the researchers determined that what these women actually found most appealing were men that had identical immune systems to their fathers. What does this mean to you, and how does it relate to finding a soul mate? Simple - all things considered equal, if you only have 1 type of person that is your perfect match biologically (and in fact, it’s much more likely to be many times than that number), you should be able to find a soul mate in at the very least 1 in 1,000 people you see. Bear with me while we do some quick math: Right now, there are about 6.3 billion people walking the earth. That means that if only 1 in 1,000 are your soul mate, you have 6,300,000 soul mates out there! Now, let’s say that only ½ of those are good choices for any particular reason. That leaves 3,150,000 people that are your perfect soul mates. Oh, wait! ½ of those (or so) are the same sex as you. You’re probably looking for the opposite sex, right? That only leaves 1,575,000 people. Get that: 1,575,000 people are your (biological) soul mates! And, that’s only if 1 in 1,000 are your proper match! What if 5 in 1,000 are, or 15 in 1,000 or 50 in 1,000 or even 200 in 1,000? That means as many as 31,500,000 of your soul mates are walking around out there that you haven’t even met yet! You’d better get started finding them! This begets the next question, "What makes someone perfect for you?" Obviously, without knowing you it’s hard to
say, but I’ve developed a tool as part of my
new book, "Being a Man in a Woman’s World II"
that I call the "Rating Instrument". This is
available in the book, but I’ve also created
software to do the same thing! You can download it
for free from my website at: beingaman.com
Most guys live by the "looks scale". For example, "She’s a ‘9’ [on a scale of 10]." Unfortunately, this is a terrible way to find your perfect woman! Just because she looks good enough to you doesn’t make her worth your time. Believe me, I’ve dated many ‘10’s’, only to find out that they were "5’s" or "6’s" at best once you got to know them. Could you imagine being married to someone like this? What a sure way to a life of hell! "Then, her looks begin to fade" No, the Rating Instrument gives you a much better way of rating women - on 10 different areas of your life. Instead of talking about "8’s", "9’s" and "10’s", it lets you talk about RI85’s, (Rating Instrument - 85 points), RI90’s, etc. The best part is that it gives you a real picture of exactly how she meets your goals; whatever they are - not just on how she looks! Get your copy today - it’s free to download
from beingaman.com/rating_instrument.htm
Best regards... Hello Dr: My name is Sarah. I hope you will help me out with my problem. I love a guy and he also loves me. The problem is, he committed to a girl before we met and for that reason he is reluctant to be with me. He keeps on telling me everything just happened at the wrong time. He tells me that I would lose respect for him if he just left this women for me, and that it was just circumstance that made him make a decision like that with her. They are not lovers as such, but now he is committed to her. He really loves me and keeps on telling so. I love him too, so we decided to remain as good friends, but each time we speak, we have all those emotions start coming out and the fact that we can never be together hurts us a lot. I am trying to get over it by not talking to him very often, but he doesn't want that. I dot know what to do, I am very upset. I found my better half in him and I know I will never have him. Could you please suggest a better way out? Hello Sarah! It sounds like this man really has you where he wants you. He's convinced you to "hang on" just in case his other relationship doesn't work out! I seriously doubt that he believes you will "lose respect" for him if he breaks off with the other woman. Ask yourself, if he were to break it off, would you? I don't think so. On the other hand, what kind of respect must he have for you? Sometimes we spend so much time listening to other's words that we can't see their actions. Sarah, believe me, his actions are so much more important than what he says. If you don't mind being the "third wheel" in this love triangle, then just let things be the way they are. If you aren't willing to take this "back seat" position, then here's what you need to do. First, become scarce - very scarce. Don't return his phone calls and don't call him. Find everything and anything else to do. When you do finally talk with him make it short and to the point. Tell him that, unless he is willing to leave the other woman and make good on his claims of loving you, you won't see him anymore. He will probably go back to telling you how much he loves you, and that he just can't break it off with her. Don't take this - be firm. If he isn't willing to break off with this other women, he's just saying that he really loves her more than you. In either case, he will find new respect for you. Especially if you and he run around in the same circles, have your friends help set you up on a few dates. You'd be surprised how your "book value" is raised by being on the arm of another man. If, after all of this, he still can't see you for what you are, move on. By this time you've already established a few new contacts and can get back into getting over him. Do you risk losing him permanently over this?
Yes you do, but then, you've never really had him
in the first place. Remember there really are
hundreds if not thousands of men that will love you
for who and what you are. By investing heavily in
one that you don't yet own, you are missing the
possibility of finding love with someone even
better. Don't be afraid to be alone for a short
while, life has a funny way of filling a
vacuum! Hi Dennis, First of all I would like to thank you for the discussion group (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman). I really appreciate your informed advice and insights into women. About three years ago I started to like this girl I had known from school but she wasn’t interested, so I gave up. Shortly afterward, I started going out with someone else. When I started seeing this new girl, my original interest came to me really upset and suggested we do things together like go to the movies etc. I said I didn’t think it would work because my new girlfriend would get jealous. After this I very rarely saw her for 2 and a half years and when I did see her, she acted a bit funny. Recently I have broken up with my girlfriend and this girl has made a new appearance in my social life and we flirt with each other (however, she initiates it). Originally I wasn’t interested but more recently I have changed my mind and would like to go out with her. HOWEVER, she was very emotionally hurt about 4 years ago when her boyfriend at the time dumped her from a year long relationship. Ever since, whenever a guy (including me) has tried to get close to her she has backed off. I suspect that she doesn’t want to be hurt again or she expects too feel exactly the same way as she did for the guy who dumped her. I would like to do something, but I don’t want to push her away like everyone else. Have you got any suggestions or do you think I am wasting my time being interested in this girl? Regards Hello! You're very welcome and thanks for the comments about the group, but I can't take credit for it. In fact, it was started by one of my readers - not me. Further, it's all of the members that really make the group work. I'm just along for the ride! Regarding "Ms. Hurt Before" the very first thing you need to understand is that it wasn't YOU that hurt her, and that you can't heal her either. She's been hurt before eh? Boo hoo! Who hasn't been hurt? Big fucking deal! Whenever I hear about someone that's been hurt before, it makes me roll my eyes - and it should make you roll your eyes too! She's a big girl now and needs to learn to get over things. Not everything revolves around her and her "hurt". This is exactly the attitude you need to take with her. Stop "enabling" her self pity! You do this every time you buy into all of this crap. Instead, just tell her "Look, I don't really care what's happened to you in the past. If you want to feel sorry for yourself the rest of your life, but my guest, but don't think you're going to inflict that on me. What I'm interested in is your future. Now stop playing games with me and clear your Saturday night because we're going out to have some fun." If she isn't able to get over it, it's not your problem - just move on and have a great life. Just like Frank Sinatra said, "The greatest revenge is massive success!" Best regards... Dating While Still
Being In a Relationship Doc: I am 42 and my girlfriend is 42. She says I am being mistrustful, controlling, and possessive when I say it is wrong for her to go out drinking and having dinner with other male friends. She will not compromise with me on this. Is it wrong of me to tell her that it is wrong of her to go out on her own, drinking, dinner, etc with these male friends of hers? She even says she has about 3 of them and they are her age. She is even willing to give up on us as a couple to have her way. What should I do? Thanks for your time. Hello! Yes - you are being mistrustful, controlling and possessive! How DARE you expect her to actually treat you and your relationship with respect and dignity! The nerve! She says there are “about 3 of them”??? That means that there’s at least twice that many and maybe many more! I suggest that you kick this bitch to the curb, post haste. There's a reason why she wants what she wants - she's actively dating! Some relationship! Consider this (which you probably already know): why would some guy(s) want to take her out for dinner, drinks, dancing - and a bunch of other "d" words - only to spend their money and time on a "buddy"? You and I know exactly why they do this - they want to get into her pants. It's really that simple. Worse yet, your girlfriend knows exactly why they're doing this too! She's playing all of you and one of you is going to win - and it's not going to be you! After all, she already has you, and doesn't seem to care. That's no "relationship" in my opinion. It's a chance for her to go out and look for someone new while she can still claim that she has a "boyfriend". The fact is, women never want to be seen unattached. It's something like the idea that you never want to eat in an empty restaurant. I strongly urge you to get back into your own hunting game and go find someone that is respectful of you and your relationship with her. This woman is NOT. If you need some help getting things going, check out "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". Best regards... Dear Dr. Neder, I have read your articles on the Internet, and have found that they've answered some of my questions about a very difficult situation I'm dealing with right now. However, as everyone has unique circumstances they're in, I would like to ask you some questions about my own relationship and am truly interested to hear what you have to say. I will try and keep this brief & to the point, with only necessary details. I'm a 26 year old female who has been with the same boyfriend for 10 years, and living with him for 5 years. I know that is a long time for someone so young, and I guess that is part of my problem. He's 4 years older than me and is very committed to staying with me, we have a lot in common and enjoy doing everything together (snowboarding, biking, climbing, camping, etc). Anyways, my two main issues are communication and sex. I have great difficulty telling him my true feelings, he is very opinionated and tends to dominate any conversation or make me feel like what I say is wrong. So we don't have discussions about 'us', we have lots of small talk about common interests or future aspirations, and that seems to keep things going just fine. I don't dwell on the fact that we don't talk about our feelings, but now that seems to have become a problem (I'll soon tell you why!). Now the sex part... I don't enjoy having sex with him at all, and we only do it a few times a month. He doesn't pleasure me, and he only lasts about 5 minutes. What else can I say about that... because I am young and attractive, lots of guys flirt with me and enjoy the attention. I have cheated on my boyfriend several times, he has found out about a couple. Just a few days ago we were at a party, and he walked in on me while I was making out with someone else. Maybe I was hoping he would catch me in the act and break up with me. In any case things have been very strained since then, he has expressed his feelings about the situation, but I have been unable to. The first few days I slept on the couch, but then we went out and got drunk one night and he 'let' me sleep in our bed. He let me sleep there last night too, and it seems wrong to me. We've kind of been going about our lives like normal, we went mountain biking with a friend yesterday, had a bar-b-que last night, and went for coffee today... I'm afraid that this might just slip by with nothing said, nothing gained, but definitely something lost. So, what advice do you have for a cheating girl who can't see herself living her life without satisfying sex, but is too afraid to leave the man who loves her and has been her best friend for 10 years? To give you a little bit more personal information about me, I'm a genuinely happy person who lives a good healthy life; I'm very personable and get along with lots of people. I'm not depressed, I don't hate myself, and I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I can see both sides of a story. I'm humble. My boyfriend has never cheated on me. I'm really scared to tell him that I think I should leave. We have lots of shit together that we'd have to go through; we're paying off a truck together... I'll let him have the truck, it's easier that way. He can keep the apartment we rent too; I'll find my own place. But there's so much other stuff, I don't know where we'd begin... Sorry that was kind of long, but it's nice to write some of this down as I haven't talked about it to anyone. =================== Hello! Well now - aren't you two the archetypical suburban couple? You have the outward appearance of the perfect relationship while you're slowly dying inside. Ok, let's get to the meat of this first: get your ass out of there. For your boyfriend to have just brushed this under the rug is a very bad thing. You having to find ways to get him to react is a very bad thing. There isn't much that is really healthy with this relationship from what I can see other than the fact that you're both good friends. Is that really what you want in your life? Obviously not. Let me assure you of this: you're losing those parts of yourself by being in this unhealthy relationship. Everyday that you spend here; while tolerable, isn't helping you to move forward in any way. Get your ass out. Now, the difficult part: your goals. You don't have any. You want some nebulous things related to passion, closeness, introspection, etc., but you're not really even sure what they are and you're waiting for your boyfriend to give them to you. He obviously isn't going to do that. After 10 years, you'd surely have seen it by now, don't you think? So, your first step should be to decide exactly what you want. I'd suggest you start this off with your own personal growth because this "relationship" (if you want to call it that) isn't giving you any opportunity for this. Use this exercise to craft your perfect situation. Don't put specific people into your goals - think instead about your perfect life and how it will be when you've achieved it. The next step is your exit plan. You're going to have to make some plans as to exactly how you're going to make your move. If you need help here, check out this article on breaking up: http://www.beingaman.com/breaking_up.htm. Consider that after 10 years of being together, your lives have woven together. There are many of these strands tied together that you need to untie. Frankly, it's a little messy, but what's the alternative? Finally, remember: every ending is a new beginning - not just for yourself but for your boyfriend too. He gets to move on as well and grow from all of this. Best regards... Why Aren’t
Women Better Lovers? Hello Dr.: I read an article you wrote recently were you stated that most women aren't good lovers. Can you explain this to me? Why aren't we good lovers and what's the short answer on how we can be better ones? Thanks Hello! That’s a great question! Women are generally not good lovers for a number of reasons: First, we men don't really demand it of women. Most men are just happy that have someone to have sex with! The person's abilities aren't that critical. Of course, after you’ve been with someone for awhile, it can be that very lack of skills that starts affecting things both in and out of the bedroom. Second, women spend so much time with their minds on other things; and you know exactly what I'm talking about: "I wonder if my ass looks fat in this light...I hope my hair is covering my face enough...Am I making enough noise?...Am I making too much noise?...Am I moving just right?...etc...etc....etc." All of this is going on exactly when she should be concentrating on herself sexually as well as her lover. A third reason why women aren't generally good lovers is that they get most of their instruction from other women in women's magazines. Most men read these and just chuckle to themselves. They rarely represent men's sexualities very well at all! If you want to learn how to be a better lover, go to a man for your education - not another woman. A fourth reason is called the "slut factor". Many women are afraid to let go enough to really learn to enjoy themselves - and to please their partners. Most women have a huge range of sexual expression, but limit themselves in that expression for fear of looking slutty. We men find that frustrating and ridiculous. A fifth reason is that women are afraid to tell men what they want. Many women say, "Well, he should just know!" Let me assure you on this point: there is not a big red flag on your ass that goes up when you have an orgasm! Many men just don't know were you are in the entire process and often don't know when you've made it. Our climaxes are very obvious; yours are often not obvious - sometimes even to you! Sixth, women don’t really understand men’s sexualities and our needs. Let me state that there is as much nuance in men’s sexualities as there are in women’s but, we express it very differently. Further, women don’t really want to believe this! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to show the same woman the same trick over and over again only because she didn’t want to believe me! There are other reasons, but I think you get the point. As far as a "short" answer to what makes a woman a good lover, the answer learning – and accepting – these facts, and working to correct them. I've been with many, many women and have learned how to get them past these things, but it takes work; far more than it should! Many of these women learn to climax just from being touched, or even told to for instance. These are incredibly sexual women, but they are no different from other women - they've only learned how to let themselves be that way. Women have an incredible range in sexuality, but your own minds limit you tremendously. So, the short answer is; there really is no short answer. Just come over here, get in bed and I'll show you. Best regards… Why are Men So ...
Infuriating? Doctor: I read one of your articles and I have a question about men. I am seeing repeated behavior by more than one man, i.e. my nephew, my other mail friends, my daughters boyfriend, etc., etc. Here's the question or the situation that baffles (and infuriates) me. Men want and sometimes demand that there not be just one woman in their life. They want to date multiple women and have their girlfriend’s approval of it. But, once the man decides he loves you (the woman) & wants you in their life long-term they don't want their girlfriend with any other man, whether dating them, talking to them or sex - especially sex. The man gets all jealous and just can't stand knowing their girlfriend or the woman they love is with another man. AND YET the man still wants to see other women!! The man will run or get all bent out of shape if they even detect that the woman wants things to be monogamous. My boyfriend whom I have been dating for 7 months has decided he loves me, wants me in his life long-term, wants to plan a few long range plans together, has even played with the idea that he wanted me to move in with him. But....we are both shy about marriage because of our past horrible experiences in marriage. We decided not to live together as we both enjoy our own "space" and alone time. He has made the statement several times that he would be jealous and hurt if I dated other men and he would prefer that I not. I have not dated others mostly because I have no interest in others right now but it infuriates me that I'm supposed to be ok with him continuing to date and seek out new women! Now I could go on dates with other men right now.....but honestly I would be doing it to make him jealous and because "if he can, then I can". I don't believe those are legitimate reasons to date other men. Also....out of respect and the love I do feel for this man I choose not date as I know it would cause him unhappy feelings which I want him to be happy. I could go on about how I am mistreated etc......but it's not even about all that. I am choosing not to date others so it is MY choice. What freaks me out is why do men do this behavior? They want their girlfriend all to themselves while they share themselves with multiple women! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? Hello! I'm going to answer this question for you, but first a warning: you're not going to feel any better by hearing this answer. So, if you're looking for relief, I suggest that you stop reading right here. Here are the true facts, despite what the media, feminists, feminized scientists, etc., would have you believe: men are not monogamous by nature but women are. That's the way it is. In fact, that's the way it is in 95% of all mammalian species on earth. But, there's an important reason for all of this: up until recently (about the turn of the 20th century), the infant mortality rate in humans was about 50%! That's an amazing number. We have only survived by practicing this concept. Thus, men are biologically programmed to seek out multiple female partners in order to keep our genes going on to the next generation. It's part of our wiring! By having multiple partners (thus producing multiple offspring) males are increasing their chances of sending their biological benefits forward. Women on the other hand have a completely different motivation. By trying to attract a partner to help her raise her children, she is helping to not only insure her own survival, but that of her children. Two adults allow for one to gather food while the other cares for the young. It also offers greater defense options, etc. It's interesting that many men don't have this "instinct" because there are many men that will get in and help raise the kids for them (we call these "sub-dominants"), thus giving them (the "Alpha Males") a chance to continue mating. However, there aren't many other women that will jump in and raise both their own kids and those of another mother. That's why the "instinct" in women to be monogamous is so strong. Did you know that the "pair bond" (marrying or partnering for life) is actually very new in the human experience? It's true. We've been on this planet for about 7 million years according to recent discoveries. However, we've only been pair bonding for about 5,000 of those years! If you do the math, that means that we've only been doing monogamy for 0.0714% of the time we've been here! That's 7-100ths of 1 percent of the time! It's also not enough time to change how we are biologically wired. So, why then is it ok for him to be out hunting and not for you? While it's not considered politically correct to say this, the fact remains that we are following our biological programming. Just like you - you could date other men but you choose not to. You wouldn't find the fulfillment you want in doing so. You get the most satisfaction from your relationship when it's solid - and monogamous. It angers you that your boyfriend doesn't seem to feel the same way, but consider that he’s just following his biological programming. He doesn't want you to date either because he understands these points deep-down. He may not be able to finger exactly why he feels this way as I've done however. In effect, it just isn't "right" and you will appear as a less-appealing partner to him if you did do this. Ok, so you've stayed with me this far. Now I have something of a reward for you: an answer to your dilemma of how to get men (including your man) to choose monogamy over their own biological programming: don't try to force him to be monogamous. Simply find out specifically what it is that he needs in his life to make that choice and become that woman! Commitment and monogamy are very stressful to men. It works directly against our biology and we fight it for that reason. Many men DO choose monogamy over biology to get something they desire even more however. If you can understand what those things are for your boyfriend and simply be that woman, he will be willing to make that choice too. Best regards... Am I Sabotaging My
Relationship? Doc: Hi. I’d like to hear your thoughts on the subject of interracial dating. I’m a young black male that has always dated women of my own race. Partly out of personal growth in my attitudes, as well as an admitted curiosity, I’ve recently been noticing, and have a great attraction for white women. I’ve never approached, nor dated a girl from another race before, and I was wondering if you could tell me if there is anything I should say or do differently to approach them. I’m about to go into uncharted territory, and I guess I have a little fear of the unknown. Unfortunately, we don’t exactly live in a society that’s very open minded. If I’m successful in dating a woman that happens to be white, I’m willing to put up with all of the stares and snide comments, just as long as we are happy, and deal with the challenges it brings together. Any help or advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much in advance. Hello! I encourage you fully to explore women of all nationalities and races! When you find someone that is attractive to you, what does it really matter what race they are? Ok, that's rather simplistic, but in fact, it's accurate - as we shall see in a moment. There are certainly those that won't agree with me and it doesn't matter what part of the world they live in. Some people have a problem with dating outside their own race. Of course, most often that problem is for OTHERS rather than themselves. If they found someone of another race to be attractive, they would probably make an exception. Even some parents have difficulties with their children dating someone outside of their race, religion, socio-economic class, neighborhood, close family, (kidding), etc. This is due to a mistaken belief that somehow people of similar backgrounds will have a greater chance of success. Interestingly, many studies have shown that it's exactly the differences that often make for a better relationship! Consider this: [oh no! here comes the science] throughout human history, there have been periods where huge numbers of people have been wiped out due to plague, climate changes, environmental disasters, and the like. According to current research in the human genome, scientists have discovered that every person on the planet today has likely come from a core group of just 2,000 individuals producing only about 1,000 unique genetic systems! That means that genetically, you're the exact same as every 1,000th person! Now, if you do the math, with 6.4 billion people on Earth. That would mean that you have 6,400,000 twins! What's even more interesting is that the genetic differences between the races is almost imperceptible. In other words, race is actually a matter a person's perception - not reality. Where your ancestors lived had something to do with how you look, (dark skin, light skin, brown eyes, blue eyes, etc.) but even that changes as genetic individuals "diversify" over time. Today, there really isn't such a thing as a "pure" race of people! As to how to approach white women consider this: how do you approach women in general; not "white" women, but any woman? There will be some women that will be very interested in meeting you as a black man, and there will be some women that won't be - just like black women! Do everything you're doing now and don't bother yourself with race. Concern yourself with the quality of the people you're approaching - that has much greater bearing on your success. Best regards... Doc: Hi. I’d like to hear your thoughts on the subject of interracial dating. I’m a young black male that has always dated women of my own race. Partly out of personal growth in my attitudes, as well as an admitted curiosity, I’ve recently been noticing, and have a great attraction for white women. I’ve never approached, nor dated a girl from another race before, and I was wondering if you could tell me if there is anything I should say or do differently to approach them. I’m about to go into uncharted territory, and I guess I have a little fear of the unknown. Unfortunately, we don’t exactly live in a society that’s very open minded. If I’m successful in dating a woman that happens to be white, I’m willing to put up with all of the stares and snide comments, just as long as we are happy, and deal with the challenges it brings together. Any help or advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much in advance. Hello! I encourage you fully to explore women of all nationalities and races! When you find someone that is attractive to you, what does it really matter what race they are? Ok, that's rather simplistic, but in fact, it's accurate - as we shall see in a moment. There are certainly those that won't agree with me and it doesn't matter what part of the world they live in. Some people have a problem with dating outside their own race. Of course, most often that problem is for OTHERS rather than themselves. If they found someone of another race to be attractive, they would probably make an exception. Even some parents have difficulties with their children dating someone outside of their race, religion, socio-economic class, neighborhood, close family, (kidding), etc. This is due to a mistaken belief that somehow people of similar backgrounds will have a greater chance of success. Interestingly, many studies have shown that it's exactly the differences that often make for a better relationship! Consider this: [oh no! here comes the science] throughout human history, there have been periods where huge numbers of people have been wiped out due to plague, climate changes, environmental disasters, and the like. According to current research in the human genome, scientists have discovered that every person on the planet today has likely come from a core group of just 2,000 individuals producing only about 1,000 unique genetic systems! That means that genetically, you're the exact same as every 1,000th person! Now, if you do the math, with 6.4 billion people on Earth. That would mean that you have 6,400,000 twins! What's even more interesting is that the genetic differences between the races is almost imperceptible. In other words, race is actually a matter a person's perception - not reality. Where your ancestors lived had something to do with how you look, (dark skin, light skin, brown eyes, blue eyes, etc.) but even that changes as genetic individuals "diversify" over time. Today, there really isn't such a thing as a "pure" race of people! As to how to approach white women consider this: how do you approach women in general; not "white" women, but any woman? There will be some women that will be very interested in meeting you as a black man, and there will be some women that won't be - just like black women! Do everything you're doing now and don't bother yourself with race. Concern yourself with the quality of the people you're approaching - that has much greater bearing on your success. Best regards... Dear Sir, I have a huge problem with my girlfriend. I really like her, but I don't feel love. I am afraid that, at age 25 I will never be in love again unless I brake up with her. I don't enjoy sex with her - I'm always thinking that, "Oh, God I have to have sex with her tonight!" I feel sexual desire towards other women, but not with her. We have sex once a week. Further, she doesn't shave, and I just can't seem to get myself to talk to her about it. The other issue is concerning partying. I don't like going out with her to parties. I enjoy the evening with my friends, but when she is with me I feel stressed, and I can't be myself. This is terrible. And we (or rather I) don't talk about it. I need some help! Thank you and best regards Let's see here: you don't enjoy sex with her, you're afraid to talk to her about things you want (like her shaving), you don't like to be seen with her at parties - what the hell are you doing with her in the first place??? Many times, we want something new in our lives, but we're afraid of losing something we currently have; "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" as the saying goes. Let me tell you a little secret of life and love: the "Law of Vacuum". There are many "natural laws" in the universe. Gravity is one of them. You can stand on a roof and proclaim that you don't believe in gravity; but, as soon as you step off, you're going to get a healthy dose of it! Like gravity, the sun will rise tomorrow, you're going to get another paper-cut someday, and someone will release another gawd-awful Robin Williams movie - all whether you like it or not. One more of these "Immutable Laws of the Universe" is the "Law of Vacuum" which states, "Nature abhors a vacuum; and, if possible, will fill it." What does this mean? It means that nature has a way of filling its voids. Whenever nature detects a vacuum, it attempts to fill it with something. However, if no vacuum exists, no filling is needed and therefore nature goes off to perform some other task like cleaning out a trailor-park with a tornado. Take a look at your closet. Do you have clothes you haven't worn for over a year? Get rid of them! Give them away to charity or simply toss them. What about your garage? Is it full of things you don't need? Dump them! How about your personal growth? Does it look more like a 3-day old beard? You're probably filling it with television, rather than making it open and available to be filled with other, more worthwhile things. In short, get rid of the dead wood! At first, this seems extreme, but instead you're just making use of nature's law of vacuum. You closet will be magically filled with new clothes once the old things are gone, your garage will not stay empty long, and your personal growth will start again once the TV is off. Do you doubt this? Then, I ask you to think of the last time you cleaned house - where you threw everything away. Is your house barren today? I doubt it. You probably have more things now than you did before the house cleaning! This is the Law of Vacuum at work. So, what about your girlfriend? Let's face it, you probably want someone you can enjoy sex with, take to parties, etc., Why not just set her free? Don't worry about love. Once you make room for it, and focus on it as a goal, nature will go about filling that void for you. If you need some help on breaking up, check this link to a recent article I wrote that may help: www.remingtonpublications.com/breaking_up.htm. Once you create a vacuum, you then have to make use of another of nature's immutable laws: the "Law of Asking". Here's how this works: "Ask and Thou Shalt Receive" (I think I read that in a book somewhere). What that book didn't say is, (but was implied) is "Ask intelligently!" That is, you need a clear and concise picture in your mind of what you want before you try to go after it. As I discuss in my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", you've got to get an absolute picture of what your life will be like when you've found the girl of your dreams. You need to describe who she is in every detail. Be specific and spend some time here. You don't want to use the Law of Asking to fill your love-void with someone like the girl you have now - that would be unpleasant! You might want to pick up a copy of the book and commit it to memory. It will lead you right through the process of creating your "love plan", and putting that plan into action. Go forth, my brother - make use of nature's immutable laws to fill your life with the love you need, and let me know how things turn out. Good luck, much love... Men - do you want a great way to get her "ready and receptive"? Learn to give a great massage! Touching her with strength and finesse says so many things about you - like you're going to spend some time on her - you're not going to just get in, get off and bolt. Not only will a great massage relax her, but it will help her get in the mood for more. If you want to be the guy she has to see again - give a great massage. Prepare the Area You want to be in a private, quite place with you give a sensual massage. Make sure that the phone is off the hook, and that you're not going to be bothered by the door, kids, animals, etc. Select some soothing music and turn off the lights except for lighting some candles - preferably scented. What, you don't have these at your place? This might be a good time to invest in a "Massage Kit". You're also going to need a couple of sheets - one to cover your work area, (you don't want massage oil staining your couch!), and another to cover her. If she feels "exposed" or cold she isn't going to relax and let you, ah, work - yeah work! So, as you work, uncover only the area you want to massage. Then, cover it again to keep the area warm. As you massage the skin, blood flows into that area. This blood causes the area to redden and to warm. You don't want this to turn to chill, so be sure to cover your finished areas. Finally, you should also have some water available. Many people feel thirsty after a massage. This is because working muscles causes all sorts of chemicals to be released into the body. Massage Methods You've probably heard of all types of massage techniques - Shiatsu, Swedish, Rolfing, etc., are all different types of massage with different goals. Don't worry about all of this. You don't need to focus on the type of massage - only the goal. Your goal should be to sooth and relax your er, victim! In the next sections, we'll explore this in greater detail. When you give a massage keep in mind the following points:
Now, let's explore each of these points: Massage Muscle, Not Skin Try this: rub your fingers gently over the skin of your arm. Now, press harder and move the skin without dragging your fingers across it. This is the difference between caressing and a massage. Remember that massages are for muscles below the skin - not for the skin itself. You want a deep, penetrating effect - not something superficial. This is because the nerves in the skin tire very quickly. Further, many people are ticklish - not just on their feet, but all over their bodies! You want a massage to be relaxing and focused - not an irritant! As well, you want to stay away from bones. By pressing hard on the skin just over a bone, you're going to cause pain - not pleasure (well, to some, pain IS pleasure - but that's another article!) Unless you know your human anatomy you're probably not going to know where your woman's bones are; so, before you begin rubbing an area, make sure that the tissue below the skin is soft. In fact, use the relatively softness to determine how hard to press. For example, press your fingers into your relaxed stomach. This softness tells you that there are no bones below your fingers - only organs. You don't want to press into an area like this very hard. On the other hand, when you press your fingers into your thigh, you can feel how firm the tissue feels here. This is because of the underlying bone. When you're massaging a woman's back, shoulders, legs or arms, look for this firmness as a good place to work. Work on Large Muscle Groups There are only a few of them in the body - mostly in the neck, back, shoulders and legs. By concentrating on the large muscle groups, not only is your massage more efficient - you are getting the largest source of body tension - but you're also preventing damage. On either side of the spine are large muscle groups (called "Latissimus Dorsi" if you care to know). These are the long, strong muscles that keep you standing up - and are great places to work. Again, you have to be careful here, because just underneath these muscles are the ribs - and you know how ticklish some people are here! Use Firm, Even Pressure Pressure that is too light or inconsistent (light, heavy and light again), can be as uncomfortable as too much pressure. Be sure to use an even amount - not too hard, and not too light when giving a massage. In fact, it is better to start out somewhat lightly and ask if she wants more. Gently increase your strength until she indicates that it is enough. Use a Lubricant You should never try anything but the most minor of massages without lubricating the skin. For example, if you want to rub her shoulders that's one thing. If you're going to give a skin-to-skin massage, always use a lubricant. Lubes help to both prepare the skin and to protect it. Don't use Vaseline or Wesson oil to massage her - you want the lubricant to be absorbed by the skin. You should also stay away from lubes that are absorbed too quickly like hand lotions. Why not pick up lightly scented massage oil - you'll definitely use it! Just Follow the Numbers Ok, so how do you progress? First, your lady should be undressed (oh - you dog you!) and lying on her stomach. Make sure her hair is out of the way of your "work area". Next, pick up the lubricant or oil you have selected and squeeze some onto your palm. Don't drip it directly on her skin - it may be cold. You can rub your hands together to warm both the oil and your skin. Even on a hot evening, try to make sure you're your hands warmer than the air. This difference helps remind her to relax. Next follow these steps:
Remember, once you start the massage, her skin will absorb the oil or lotion you applied to your hands. So, continue to re-lube regularly. Also, humans are "bilateral" - that is we have a balance between the right and left. Don't neglect one side for the other - keep things balanced. The "Master's" Massage Ready to graduate? Learn to give a great foot massage! When you're massaging someone's feet, you've got to be careful, as many women are ticklish here. If you drag your fingers over the feet lightly, she's liable to flinch - negating the work you've already done in getting her relaxed. When you work the feet remember that there are many areas - each with their own needs. So, start with the heel. Firmly grab her heel and push it up toward her leg, pull it down and work it side to side. The heel contains a number of very small, very strong muscles. Next, work your thumbs on the under side (called the "plantar" side) of her foot (in general, or unless she asks, avoid the top of the feet). Again, use deep slow pressure with the tips of your thumbs - don't do it too gently or it's going to feel like you're tickling her. Work the balls of her feet and in between her toes. Also, pull on each toe for about 10 seconds - don't jerk, just give a smooth, strong tug. In general the feet of even small women are very strong. They can take a much more intense massage than the rest of her, but be sure to watch her reactions. Further, ask her what she likes, and follow her directions! The Ending - The Beginning Once you've completed the massage, get a soft towel to wipe her body down. This is just to remove any remaining lotion or oil, and to let her know that the massage is over. What's That - She's Drooling?? Actually, professional massage therapists use
sleep or even drooling as a sign they've done their
job well. Don't take it as an insult - just realize
she's really into what you're doing! Is He Jerking Me By
Jerking Off? Doctor: I need some clarification. My husband has masturbated taking a bath when I am ten feet away in bed. This upset me because I was right there and I felt as if he did not desire me or if he picked fantasy with masturbation over have sexual intercourse with his wife. I have been trying for the longest time to get my husband to openly tell me; without me asking, when he masturbates because it turns me on and I want to know his fantasies. It seems as if he has a problem with being intimately open in that manner, but yet he will masturbate in front of me when we are intimate. I am so confused that I am starting to think my husband is addicted to masturbating. I have also asked myself if he has a sexual orientation problem. Before we got married I asked him to stop looking at porn on the internet and he said ok. Well I was on the computer one day and found a few down loaded porn movies. Well, I confronted him by asking him if he had been going to those sites or not and he bluntly lied to my face. Then I told him, come see I have something to show you. Then he blew up. Also, when husband and wife watch a porn movie together and then have sex, is the husband enjoying and thinking of his wife or not? I know it is only natural to find someone attractive, but I think that going to the extent of thinking of them and getting off is wrong and some what cheating in a marriage. Well, I think you know what I mean. Hello! Let's see here, you confront him, complain to him, henpeck him, nag him, spy on him and you're surprised that he is underground about all of this? What in the hell are you thinking???? You have a very severe insecurity issue going on here. Yes, I already know what you're thinking, "But *he* caused it!" No my dear, he didn't cause it - you obviously had it before he met you. This has nothing to do with him - it has everything to do with you. More on this in a moment. Let's deal with the masturbation issue first. Many people (both men and women) sometimes prefer masturbation over sex. Frankly, it's just easier and quicker! 90% of the time, men do most - if not all - of the work during sex. Many women feel it's fine to just lie there and be "done". If a guy's going to have to do all the work anyway, it's often just easier to do one job rather than two - or more. Let's face it; you girls are very complicated when it comes to sex. All of this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or find you sexy. In fact, it has nothing to do with that at all. It's just a matter of convenience. Further, when you're spending your time concentrating on someone else, it's very difficult to work on your own sexuality! That is what private masturbation can be all about - growing one's own sexuality. Now, let's talk about the porn, fantasies, etc. If you've read many of my articles, you're going to learn something very important: men are not monogamous. That's just the way it is. Neither your husband, me, your father, or any other man is monogamous by nature. That's the way we're wired. However, we can CHOOSE to be. This is obviously what your husband has chosen. By looking at pornography and fantasizing away from you, he's not treating you or your relationship with disrespect at all. In fact, he's helping to insure that his promise about being monogamous to you is kept! Porn and fantasy are safe ways for men to explore our polygamous natures while still being faithful to our partners. Stop seeing this as a threat, and start seeing it as the benefit to your marriage that it is! For you to set him up to fail by spying on him, asking him about it and then busting him on it, all you're really doing is telling him that he has to be better at hiding it all! Is that really what you want: for your husband to work even harder hiding it from you, or would you rather have him bring it out in the open and feel comfortable with it - and you? I thought so. Now, back to you: If you think you're going to be able to nag him into only doing sex the way you want, forget it. What you're actually doing is killing off your own sex life with him! Do you think all of this makes you sexier in his eyes? Don't count on it. You're actually pushing him further and further away by introducing all sorts of added stress into your marriage. Here's my suggestion: (warning: this is going to mean that you're going to have to grow up): let up on him completely about the porn and masturbation. In fact, you should even encourage it. Tell him that you've come to your senses about it, and you want your sex life together to be rich and full, and that you realize that anything that helps him with his own sexuality also helps your sex life together. At the same time, I suggest that you feel free to masturbate too. Use this time to grow your own sexuality. Trust me, you need it. Then, when you get together and have sex, make it fun! Take away the pressure and get back to the exploring that you use to have when you first got together. Have lots of great, powerful, playful, fun sex, and feel free to masturbate together if you enjoy that. Find out (again) what he wants in the bedroom, and tell him what you want too - even if it seems "unusual". Frankly, there's nothing "unusual" in sex - it's all been done before. Give him room and freedom to enjoy himself and it will all come back to you in bed. Finally, start working on yourself. You don't need to feel under attack by any of this. It can be a very powerful way to grow your marriage - or you can continue to do what you've been doing all along and work to break it down. The choice is yours. Best regards... Learning To Be A
Sexual Person! Dr. Neder, I apologize if this is not an area of advice you wish to tackle, but I thought I would come to you with my question. My girlfriend and I have a great relationship going. We're completely in love and have a wonderful time with each other. When it comes to the conversation and emotional field of our union, we're right on and connect with each other just fine. When it came to our sexual relationship, we both decided, due to religious morality and social conditions that we would not partake in the full act of sex, but that we would "please" each other. Being male, this task is nothing short of simple for her and she makes me incredibly happy. But for me, things are quite difficult. Forgive me if I come off a little crude here, but I don't really know any other way of conveying this to you. She doesn't want me to go down on her because she finds it uncomfortable and strange. She likes it when I finger her, though, but I've never been able to bring her to orgasm. In fact, she's never had an orgasm. I feel this is unfair to her and I wish I could give her the same feeling I get when she pleases me. Can you help me?? Sincerely, Inexperienced Hello "Inexperienced": Actually, I'm happy to field this question! And, by the way, nothing you've said is "crude". I don't believe that ANYTHING about sex is crude! Further, we're all friends here, so feel free to say whatever you want, however you feel it is appropriate. I'm so pleased that you and your girlfriend have such a great relationship. As you've found the "three C's" are the key: Communication, Commonality, and Connection. As long as you BOTH agree on the point about sex, it's fine too. Many couples have only one partner that feels that they don't want to have sex. The other is then forced to accept or lose out. As the saying goes, "The convoy moves at the speed of the slowest ship." If you've found a way to satisfy your needs without actual sex, and you're both happy about it - great. One other preliminary point; be aware that your girlfriend can still get pregnant if you even place your penis against her vagina; even if you don't climax. This is because the penis emits a small amount of fluid during sexual arousal and this can contain hundreds of thousands of sperm cells - enough to get her pregnant; so be careful here too! Finally, I'm very gratified that you want to satisfy your girlfriend. Many men are just "takers" and either don't know that they should, or can please their lovers. She is very lucky, and I hope she appreciates this. Ok, let's look at your specific issues. Many women don't "warm" to oral sex (cunnilingis) immediately. This is due to a number of issues such as thinking that they're "dirty down there", social and religious stigma, etc. Of course, none of this is true, and in fact, the vagina is one of the most sanitary parts of the body due to its natural cleansing cycles. You might want to discuss this with her, and even pick up any of the hundreds of good books on female sexuality. An even bigger issue is that of her inability to climax. Again, due to religious, family and social pressures, inexperience, perceptions she may have about her body, or any number of a hundred other reasons, she may feel put off by sex, and probably has difficulty in letting herself go and feel good. As you may guess, this is an absolute prerequisite to good sexual function. I've always found it very, very sad that religion and families do this to our women. Why don't we celebrate our sexuality? If you care to look at it this way, it IS given to us by God. Humans are the only animals that have sex purely for pleasure. This says something to me. Further, it's the most powerful aspect of our personalities. Somewhere back in history, religious leaders, tribal leaders, parents, etc., found that if they could get control of someone's sexuality, they could control that person. This is the state many people find themselves in today - controlled by and obsessed with their sexuality. So, what do you do about all of this? First, your girlfriend (and perhaps you too!) needs to get over any stigma she may have about her sexuality. Again, it is a natural, healthy part of who we are - it is something to be celebrated, not ignored. It is a powerful aspect of us, and in many ways, defines who we are. To deny it is to ignore that part of ourselves. Have you asked her about masturbation?
Specifically, does she masturbate, and if so, can
she bring herself to climax or even to feel "warm
and relaxed" as many women describe it. She knows
just what feels good to her. She can touch herself
"just right" and show you what she enjoys. I'm
assuming that you know your "female sexual anatomy"
here. Here's a link that describes it, but be
forwarded - it is graphic, and rather clinical!
www.halcyon.com/elf/altsex/vulva.html
Many women find that direct stimulation on her clitoris to far too much and may cause discomfort rather than pleasure. Thus, you want to ask your girlfriend just what feels good to her. This is one reason why many women find that oral sex is so satisfying. The tongue is much softer than your fingers are. Further, because it is very flexible and sensitive, it is much easier for your tongue to touch her "just right". When you two are together, you might spend some time cuddling, kissing and enjoying each other. After a while of this, when she feels relaxed, sit behind her on the bed with her sitting against your body, between your legs and in your arms. Let her lay her head against your shoulder, close her eyes and touch herself. Take some time here - it isn't a sprint. Let her explore her body in an accepting, comforting and encouraging environment. Just let her touch herself in the ways that feels best to her. While this is going on, you can encourage her. Tell her that you love her and you are so happy she feels good. This encouragement is very powerful and will help her to let go. You may find that after awhile her face and chest will flush red. This is a good sign that: 1) she is letting go and relaxing; and 2) that she is getting close to release. Don't try to force anything. Let her go as far as she likes. If she climaxes, that's great. If not, that's great too - you're bonding and being together. This is the real key in the beginning. If she finds that her fingers aren't enough stimulation, you might want to buy her a vibrator. You can even make this a fun outing! Go to a store where they have these and look at the "toys" - just like when you were kids. Of course, these are "adult toys". Find something that is non-threatening. A huge black penis-like vibrator is NOT a good choice. Something small and pink might be better. Don't try to direct her choice - let her make it. Just continue to be supportive and caring. Vibrators are great for many women because they provide direct and constant stimulation in ways that her fingers cannot. After you've practiced this for a while, you're
going to find that she "learns" how to feel good.
She can even show you exactly what she does so that
you can do this for her too. Almost every woman
finds that she has to learn how to please herself
before she can have someone else do it for her.
This is as much a mind-game as it is a physical
one. There is a great book you might want to find
called "For Yourself", by Lonnie Barbach. Here's a
link to her website: www.sfsi.org/books/barbach.html
One last point is appropriate here; nobody - not
a doctor, not another woman, nobody, can actually
tell if your girlfriend is a virgin or not! I live
in Glendale, CA, where we have a large Armenian
population. This ethnic group heavily promotes
virginity before marriage. They even have
"specialists" that examine women to determine if
they are virgins before marriage. The problem here
is that no matter what they say, they can't really
tell!!! Go figure. Doctor: I've made a mistake and need help. You see, I've been with this girl for three months and she is totally into me, but I've grown tired of her. I have already cheated on her 3 times and I want to find a new girlfriend. I think I have found her. I have 3 candidates but I told the one I like most that I broke up with the other girl already. Big mistake! I haven't actually broken up with her, but I will. Here is a problem: My girlfriend and I have been invited to this very special party that all my friends will attend and I really want to got to. The problem is that it's in 3 weeks! The worst thing is that my girlfriend and the new chick know each other! Should I wait until the party, break up and get with the new girl or break up now and try to get a new girlfriend? If I get burned on the first option I'll be out with a lot of people. If I break up now and it does not work out with the new girl then I will be alone. What should I do? I NEED HELP FAST. Thanks a million. Hello! There's an old saying, "Don't piss in your own backyard", meaning don't create problems too close to home, or they may come back to haunt you. First, I'd be very careful about "finding a new girlfriend". It doesn't seem that you're really in a place to have a committed relationship - that's not a critique by the way, just an observation. If you've read my book or my articles, you know that I don't particularly advocate monogamous, committed relationships unless that's exactly what you want - and you're really ready for them. You might want to consider your motivations here. Why do you want to be with just this one girl? In the book, I talk about how you can't "own" another person - just like your present girlfriend doesn't "own" you. If this is your goal, I suggest you re-think it. You've been sleeping with 3 other women; why not just enjoy that variety and the freedom. This gives you another advantage regarding the party - if you're not "committed" to someone and you're just dating around, you can bring anyone you want to the party. Oh, by the way, you didn't tell any of these girls that you were seeing them exclusively did you? You don't want to lie to them, but you don't have to show your hand either; as long as everyone is comfortable with the situation and you're being sure that everyone's feelings are being considered! To answer your specific question, if you're ready to breakup with girlfriend #1, don't wait - get it over with. You don't do her or yourself any good by hanging on. This is one thing I keep promoting: if you're going to have this kind of lifestyle, but a man about it. Don't cause undue or excess harm to someone just to get your knob polished. Take responsibility for the people you're with - AND USE PROTECTION! There is absolutely NO EXCUSE for unwanted children or disease. One last point; I'm concerned that your focus
isn't the best. You have a girlfriend that you
haven't really thought about - she's "totally into
you", and you just concerned about how YOU'LL look
at the party. Dude, be a man - you have
responsibilities to girlfriend #1 (and, to a lesser
degree - #2, #3, and #4). Until you own up to them
and do the right things, you're just a boy with a
man's penis. I can't emphasize enough the
importance of taking responsibility for your
actions. This is when you become a man. Are you a good salesperson? I used to teach selling skills and asked this question of thousands of people. Almost everyone doubts that they can sell. Then, I have to ask, have you ever been in a relationship before? Have you ever borrowed your parent's car? Have you ever talked a friend into seeing the movie you wanted to see? If you've answer "yes" to any of these, some selling has been done somewhere! People misunderstand what selling is. Most think that it means convincing someone to buy something. Let me tell you up front - you can't convince people of anything. But that isn't what selling is anyway. Selling is about finding the people who want to buy what you have to sell, and then making it worth their while to buy! When it comes to your own love life, you want to learn to sell. But, you want to do it the easy way. When a company creates a new product, they don't just rush out and ask people on the street to buy - they "market" the product. This saves them time and money. You want to market yourself too. Here's how: 1) Define your Product. What is your product? YOU! Look at what you have to offer. Are you comfortable with yourself? Are you interesting? Do you have hobbies? What makes you valuable to the opposite sex? Don't be too hard on yourself. In fact, you may want to ask a close, trusted friend to help you here. Have this person help you list your assets. Don't dwell on your liabilities other than to ask, "What can I improve in the next 30 days?" Spend 80% of your time improving what you already have, and 20% working on correcting things. 2) Define your Market. Who are you looking for? The more specifically you can define this, the more likely you'll find it. You should take some time to consider exactly the partner you want. What does he or she look like? How old? Liberal or conservative? How much education? Does this person want children? The more specific you can be the better. Then, write it down! This is the most important step. Something magical happens when you commit your thoughts to paper. There are actual scientific reasons behind this that for lack of space, I won't go into here. Suffice it to say you need to write down the attributes of your "perfect" partner - and be specific. 3) Find your Customers. Where does your perfect match hang out? How are you going to find this person (or persons)? They're probably not going to come to you. So, why not use what you already have. Consider your hobbies - are there organizations or clubs devoted to your interests? Of course there are! These are great ways to meet other people that share your interests. What about personal ads, singles clubs, and the Internet? You shouldn't limit your options when meeting people. You're probably going to have to meet a large number to find those that fit your "target market" (see #2 above). Also, let your friends and family know you're looking to meet someone special. They know you pretty well and have contacts that you don't. 4) Make the "Pitch". Once you meet someone, you're going to have to tell them about your product. In the love market, this begins with "hello". You should get used to saying hello to everyone you meet. This makes it much easier when you meet a potential prospect. The pitch involves breaking the ice as well as getting to know this new person. Once you've made the initial contact by saying hello, just comment on something related to where you two are. For example, at a wedding you might ask this person if they are friends of the bride or groom, and how they know this person. At a supermarket, you might ask for advice on a product. Try to stay away from pick-up lines. First, they are generally ineffective. Second, they make you look insincere. Just try to be honest and open. Also, center yourself and get your confidence up. Most people say that confidence - without being cocky - is a great turn-on! What if you get turned down? Great! Remember - you're just working the numbers. You already know that you're going to get some successes and some failures. Don't worry about it. The more "no's" you get, the closer you are to your next "yes". My book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" has much more information on make your pitch. 5) Close the Sale. I can't tell you how many good salespeople make this mistake - they don't ask for the order! Somehow they expect their customer to do it for them! When you approach someone don't forget your goal - to get a home telephone number. Don't accept pager numbers, voice mail, etc. How do you get the home telephone number? Ask!
It is great practice to get this number every time
you talk to someone. In fact, recent studies show
that men get numbers at least 50% of the time. As
you get better at it, your averages will improve.
But, you've got to get started! Sometimes, things run their course. You may be at fault or not, but when its time to bring your relationship to an end you want to do so cleanly and effectively. Here are some suggestions: 1) If you have personal items at your lover's place, you want to begin getting them back. This is much more difficult to do after the breakup. If your lover has things around your home, put these in a box and have them ready to move. Be thorough - you don't want to have things left over for him/her to have to come back to get later. 2) Don't involve your friends, family, co-workers, etc., in the breakup. This is only between you two. Adding others increases the humiliation factor. 3) If you're afraid of a scene, breakup at a public venue such as a restaurant. However, don't "lure" your soon-to-be-ex lover there under false pretences. Explain that you want to "talk about your relationship". 4) Don't wait until a "good time". Do it as soon as you make the decision. Waiting only prolongs the inevitable and makes it even more difficult. 5) However, don't breakup on a day with special significance. For example, don't breakup on Christmas Day, Easter, or your ex-partner's birthday. This is cruel, and may cause ruin that day for this person for a long time. 6) Don't hedge - get to the point. Be clear and specific. Don't blame or argue, and don't prolong the event. 7) Don't breakup in stages! Some people; either through fear of losing someone, or a feeling that their sparing their ex-lover's feelings do the "series breakup". They start by getting distant, then, they suggest that both see other people, then, they stop answering the telephone, etc. This is just causes the pain to be extended for a longer time than is necessary. Remember, you wouldn't cut off a dog's tail piece by piece (would you?); you'd do it all at once. 8) Be considerate of or ex-lover's feelings, but don't back down. Also, don't promise to stay in touch, stay friends, or say that maybe you can get back together after you "get your head together". This leads to false hopes. 9) Don't unload your hurt or anger on this person. Be detached, unemotional and specific. Breaking up is very difficult for both the
person doing it as well as the person getting
dumped. Always remember that you saw something in
the person when you first got together. Regardless
of what happened they are still the same person you
met and have a right to their dignity. Dating Two (or More)
Women At The Same Time With all the hassles, why would someone want to date more than one woman? Frankly, there are as many answers to this question as there are men! However, some very good reasons are as follows:
You Better Get a Calendar! Believe me, you're going to need this handy tool. The format of the calendar doesn't really matter, as long as you can keep track of which days you saw a woman, and what you did, and when you're next available. You're going to want to know when you're free in the future (to schedule dates), and to review what you did with whom. Why do you want to know whom you did what with when? To cover you tracks! You don't want to be having a romantic dinner with a woman only to blurt out, "Hey honey - remember that trip we took to San Diego?" only to find out it wasn't her you went with! A calendar also helps you organize your time. Let's face it; free time is scarce for everyone these days. You want to make the best use of your time that you can. By scheduling your time, you can use more of it in ways you want - like meeting and wooing women! A calendar lets you visually structure your time. You know you need time for yourself, your work and your fun - work them in with your women. Even better, when possible (or desirable), bring along one of the ladies as a combination date/hobby time. Now that's using your time effectively. Loose Lips Sink Ships! Just because you're dating two or more women, doesn't mean you should advertise it - unless of course, that works to your advantage! Believe me, women have an innate sense about these things, and will probably figure it out without you telling them. It is far better to have some mystery here rather than to have everything out in the open. This way, you are in better control. Further, because of women's competitive nature, they're going to try to get you to commit to only them - even if THEY don't plan to see YOU in the long term! It's a woman thing - go figure. Woman will use subtle tactics to get you to drop the other women, such as saying "You know, I wouldn't be sleeping with you if I knew you were with someone else!" Here, the assumption is, that if you answer this statement, you're assuring her that you're with her exclusively. She knows that you, being a man, are probably not well versed in using these "verbal puzzles" to your advantage, (and, you're probably not!) You don't want to outright lie to her - she's going to catch you and hold you accountable for it! Instead, you're going to re-direct the issue by saying something like, "Yes, honey, I know you feel that way because I understand you." Then, drop the subject and move on. You are specifically not telling her what she wants to hear, but you are responding to her. The second reason you shouldn't feel compelled to "out" yourself, is you haven't committed to anything in the first place. You didn't promise her anything - did you? Men have a bad habit of promising the world to get sex - and women know it. Don't do this! Don't let her back you into a corner. To prevent her from doing this, you're going to need to establish the rules up front. She is going to assume your monogamy far sooner than you will. To set ground rules; let her know that you're busy elsewhere. You don't have to always jump to answer the phone when she calls, nor do you have to return her call the same day. Get actively involved in your friends, your work, your hobbies, etc. Then when you are with her, make it real, quality time - but don't get locked into a schedule - being with her every Saturday night for example. Be sure to use that calendar we discussed earlier. What's Good For the Goose By the way, it's not reasonable for you to be out hunting, and for you to expect her to be home waiting for you! She may WANT an exclusive relationship with you, but unless you're willing to give her that, you can't reasonably expect it from her. That doesn't mean that she won't be monogamous however. This is for her to decide. Be Careful! You need to protect yourself. Just like you use condoms every time you have sex (you DO use condoms - right?), you need to protect yourself in other ways too. If she sense that you're with someone else, she is going to just "stop by" to say hello, or call at inconvenient times. You may want to make it a habit of not answering your door unless you're expecting someone. At least, don't answer when "Ms. Stripper" is over having a drink! Further, if she begins pressuring you to make a commitment, and you keep her going along without one, she may become angry - or worse, psycho! Be aware of your surroundings when you're out to make sure she isn't following you around. Watch out for her large family members too. It probably isn't coincidence that you ran into her brother or her friend while you're out to dinner with woman #2. Does this sound crazy? Maybe, but I've talked to too many men where it's happened. Watch your back if you choose to date multiple women. One more thing to watch when you're dating more than one woman - your wallet! Dates are expensive anyway, often costing $100 or more. If you're dating twice a week, this adds up pretty quickly. You may need to be more creative on how you spend your dating dollar. Memorable dates don't have to result in a second mortgage - you just have to be a little creative. Yes, there are many problems with dating two or
more women at the same time, but if you use your
head, watch your back (and your wallet), and do
some creative planning, you could be in for the
time of your life! Dennis, I read your brief article about "The Test" with much interest. I've always known this was going on - at least at a subconscious level initially - but have never seemed to deal with it very well. Although I'm getting better with age and maturity, there was a time when I would get rather indignant about the very idea of being tested in the first place - never mind the passing or the failing. So I'm interested in your books, Being a Man in a Women's World I & II and have a couple of questions for you. Do these books cover "The Test"? Having not read volume I yet, do I need it? Or can I just get volume II? In other words, is volume II strictly new material, and if it is, does it cover The Test? Are there any other books by you or by other authors that cover this topic? I want to read as much as I can about this. Finally and most importantly, I've become very interested in applying my own Tests to help me determine a woman's character. Do you know of any books, articles, etc. that cover the topic from this angle? Thanks! Hello! Ah, yes, "The Test". It's such an insidious feminine tool that I devoted an entire chapter to it in my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World". The new book picks up (on all subjects - and quite a few more) where the first one left off. In the new book I also talk about "Mini-Tests" and the "Test by Proxy". Thus, if you're going to read the second book (I highly recommend it of course), you should definitely read the first before it. As far as I know, I'm the only author that has discovered - and talks about - The Test. However, a large number of talk show hosts and writers around the country actually use my book and discuss The Test from it. I actually talk about men using The Test in a few cases, but frankly, it's not a very good idea - at least as women use it. When men use The Test, they come off as insecure - something you don't want. On the other hand, there IS a way for men to Test. Let me tell you about it. The version of The Test that men can use successfully is actually called "Challenge". A number of authors talk about this technique, but not in the way that I do. Here's what you want to do with Challenge: A man uses Challenge to change his relative position with a woman. Consider this: most men come almost from a begging standpoint when they deal with women. For instance, they chase her trying to get her to go out with them, then they bring flowers trying to buy her, they then take her out to an expensive restaurant, and spend the entire evening trying to entertain her - all in the hopes of getting a good night kiss. Challenge does the exact opposite. One of the best ways to start Challenge is to ask your date: "So, what do you bring to a relationship?" This seems like an odd - almost harsh - question to ask so early, but it is specifically designed to do one thing: take you out of the "seller position" and move you into the "buyer position". In other words, rather than trying to convince your date that she should see you again, and should kiss you, sleep with you, etc., etc., you are now asking her why YOU should do these things with HER! Yes, I know what you're thinking - of course you want these things. Let me tell you something: so does she! However, women initially enter the dating game from the buyer's position. Challenge turns this on it's head. Here's another form of Challenge that I teach my students: tell her that you're not going to kiss her unless she proves to you that she's worthy of it. Ouch! You can even say, "I've kissed so many women that don't know how to kiss properly that I've decided I'm not going to waste them on just anyone." Yet another form of this is: "Oh, you're from Canada - that's too bad! I've never met a Canadian that could kiss very well!" [or wherever - you get the point] Let me ask you something: do you really think that any woman doesn't think she's the world's greatest kisser? Of course she does! It's just like ever man thinks that he's the world's best driver! The point of this is to place her squarely in the position of proving herself to you - and what better thing to have proven then whether she can kiss well or not? So, when you think about The Test - remember that it's a feminine thing. The male equivalent is The Challenge. Best regards... Compliments and
"Metacompliments" Hey Doc! You say never to compliment physical features, yet I can think of four instances where friends of mine have won a girl's interest through almost incessant compliments. These girls did not show initial interest but the compliments almost seemed to 'wear them down' to the point that the girls became the pursuer. In two of the cases the girl was clearly above the guys league. I didn't think he had a chance. Don't you Feel that most people, no matter how outwardly confident, really want people to like them? Don't you think that most beautiful women look in the mirror and see their flaws? Don't you think that compliments given from a position of strength play to this need to be beautiful and liked? Hello! Actually, in my new book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II", I talk about this very issue. No, you should never directly compliment a woman on her looks UNLESS she's not very attractive and all you want is to get laid. In fact, the more beautiful she is, the more she's going to want to hear, (and expect), those compliments because that's what everyone else does. You want to stand out from the pack. With that said, there IS a way to compliment. I call it the "Metacompliment". A metacompliment avoids the obvious factors of her specific looks (her eyes, hair, figure, boobs, etc.), and goes in for something ABOUT her instead. For instance, you might say, "You know, you have a very graceful way of moving." She'll be instantly taken because she's probably never heard this before! Another great metacompliment is "Your voice has a musical quality to it - I'll bet you sing really well". Consider however that if she's clumsy (or thinks she is), or can't carry a note, these metacompliments are going to backfire. Thus, you want to be sincere about using them. Don't just try to pull them out of hat and recycle them on every woman you meet. Instead, use them appropriately. What differentiates the metacompliment from a standard compliment? First, that it avoids complimenting the obvious: her looks. She can't do much about the way her eyes look - that's about her genes. So, complimenting her on them doesn't really achieve your goals. Metacompliments always deal with something she can specifically control. Second, they are about things like her actions and even better: her personal image of herself. For example, she may believe that she's a "people person" and by observing her for a short while, it will come out in how she deals with others. If you comment on this ("Hey, you really seem to be able to read people!"), you're addressing something that she actually believes about herself, which makes you look intuitive and cleaver, rather than just average or "like everyone else" who compliment her on her looks. This leads to the last point about metacompliments: you have to be observant. You have to actually learn to watch and pay attention. This actually goes against the popular "3 second rule" promoted by many, but I believe that you gain other important things in doing this. Just don't use this as an excuse to not approach! I'll bet if you go back and really analyze what your buddies did, it wasn't a direct compliment at all, but was a metacompliment as these can be highly effective if used in the right way, at the right time. Best regards... Dr. Neder, I was reading an article of a person you helped and wanted to ask you a question. My relationship with my girlfriend started about 9 month's ago, at the beginning she liked my look, and asked for a friend to meet me. About a week later we met and got to know each other and finally started dating. As time passed, we started to get to know each other very well until one time she comes to me and says "we need to talk" I knew at that point that it was going to be about something serious so we went to the college lounge. She told me about her past, and I was really shocked by it! She said that when she was about 14 years old, she was molested, and as a result became very promiscuous. She told me that when she turned 18 and finished school she started working and studying in a different college. Since living in both environments allowed her to met a lot of people and started dating some of them and having one night stands with others, the number of people she had sex with different partners was about 32 guys in one year! I was so shocked about it that I told her I would need some time to reevaluate our relationship. Time passed and I kept thinking about what happened between us, I really liked this girl and she really liked me. For her to tell me those things I believed it was a sign of her trusting me, and at the same time I though that maybe some people just deserved a second chance. So I went to her place and told her that I could deal with her past. Our relationship was amazing that we even became best friends. We got to know each other so well, that eventually both of us fell in love. I even met her parents and they loved me. So at the end of the school year for the summer I went away from the US and she stayed with her parents for about 3 months. We kept our relationship alive by keeping in touch with each other through emails and letters. When we finally got back together in August I saw her and things were not the same, I expected it might be since time and distance often change people. However we kept our promise on being together so we continued the relationship and it was still good, a little different but good since we were still in love. About a month later one of my close friends comes to me and tells me that he has terrible news for me, he said that he overheard her roommates criticizing her for cheating one me. I could not believe this! I couldn't believe that the person I loved would do that to me, so I went to her room and asked her if it was true. She told me it was true but she still loved me. She cheated on me twice, the first time was after visiting her parents (after falling in love), she said she did it with her ex-boyfriend she told me that she didn't want to do it, however her ex pushed her so finally she gave in and had sex with him. The other time she did it in her apartment lounge with a stranger she met that night thanks to her roommates. She did it in the lounge while her roommates were in the room, so obviously they found out and that is how I found out. I was so upset, confused and sad about it that I didn't know what to do. 4 days passed and I asked her to come to my room to discuss what happened. I asked her why she cheated on me and she said that she doesn't know. I asked her if she loves me and she said yes. So I was so confused that I told her to prove her love to me. I asked her to call her mom at midnight in front of me and tell her with how many guys she had slept. She did it, and I realized that she did love me so I accepted her back. She even said that out of all the men she'd been with, I was the only one she was going to marry and have children with because I accepted her based on what she is and I accepted her past. Even so, I somehow stopped trusting her. In the beginning of our relationship she was constantly trying to please me, trying to earn my trust and she did. Afterwards she started to change a little bit, we were still talking and everything but I noticed she seems more distant from me. After about a month, she came to me and said that she wanted to end the relationship. Right now she is going out once a week with her ex-boyfriend (the guy slept with while I was out of the country). It really hurts and I don't know what to do, some of my friends say to me that I should move on while others say to me that maybe she just needs some time away because she doesn't want to hurt me again. I really need some help since this girl is completely different from any others I have dated because of her past. I am still in love with this girl! Hello! \My brother, what the hell are you thinking? How low is your self-esteem to put up with this bullshit? Since I'm not there, would you do me a favor and get one of your buddies to slap the hell out of you for me? There is nothing wrong with a woman having a lot of lovers in her past. That isn't an issue here. What ARE issues include: 1) She cheated on you, not once, but twice in a short time and you took her back; 2) She cheated on you with an ex-boyfriend, which means she still kept in touch with them; 3) She's dumped you for this guy (also a jackass for taking her back); 4) You still want to be her friend; and, 5) You would even consider getting back with this woman. This is possibly a sign of a severe mental illness, and you might seriously want to consult a professional for some perspective. What could possibly be going through your mind to think that you would ever get back with her under any circumstance? Just because the sex was great? Of course it was - look at how much experience she has! Further, that excuse about being molested as a child is just that - an excuse! She's an adult now, and needs to deal with it. You are neither responsible for it, nor are you able to help her - SHE has to do that. It is only an excuse she uses on gullible guys (like you), to explain her unacceptable past. DO NOT buy into it. My brother, get your head back on straight. You don't want this girl in your life. She's only going to continue to take advantage of your trust and belief in her and you're going to continue to get kicked in the head over and over again. MOVE ON! DO NOT call this girl, write to her, accept her calls or letters or email. DO NOT run into her, talk to her or have any further contact with her. I'd strongly urge you to get and read, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" to really learn what's going on here. If you don't get this problem solved for yourself, you're just going to go through life repeating it over and over again. You deserve better than this. Best regards.... © 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder |
Relationship is a pervading and changing mystery...brutal or lovely, the mystery waits for people wherever they go, whatever extreme they run to. - Euroda Welty
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