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December
Empowering Kids to Deal with Bullies and Low
Self-esteem
Did you know that 23% of 9th graders have carried a
weapon to school recently? According to the US
Justice Department, one out of three kids will be
offered or sold drugs at school while one out of
four kids is bullied either mentally or physically
every day. Do we really know what happens to our
kids when they leave the safety of our homes to go
to school?
Unfortunately, bullying and child violence have
become quite common themes in every school across
the country, and outside the US as well.
Dr. Jay Carter and myself have written a book,
and run a web site, that helps parents, teachers,
and kids learn the skills they need to deal with
bullies and low self-esteem. On this journey, we've
encountered many sad stories that are all too
real.
One that really stands out in my mind, and
heart, is in the form of a letter written by a
woman in IL. She starts out by thanking me for
writing my book and wishing she would've had it for
her son, Ricky, 5 years earlier.
Ricky was tormented every day at school by his
"bullies." He was an asthmatic, and continually his
classmates would take his inhaler medication from
him to spray on themselves, in the air -
essentially wasting it. This went on until one cold
day in December, 1994, that has left his mother
devastated. Ricky was found dead at school. He died
of an asthma attack. His inhaler, found empty.
This is only one of many depressing stories.
We've all had bad experiences to some degree that
seem to be too close to home. But what can we
do?
One of the things that Dr. Carter and myself did
to bring awareness was in collaboration with NBC10
News out of Philadelphia. At a local middle school,
we hid 5 cameras in a classroom of 8th graders.
Only one child, Jonathan, was in on our "sting"
operation. He played the role of a bully while
wearing a wire microphone. We then hid in a nearby
classroom and monitored his classmates reactions as
he proceeded to harass them. He harassed them with
the arrogance that only a bully knows. We had him
making fun of people, pushing and shoving, and
giving off a real "I'm the only all important one"
attitude!
The reactions varied as you can imagine. They
were about as different as every child's
personality. Some moved out of his way, timid and
frightened, while others stood up for themselves
screaming, "Get some manners!" One girl smacked him
in the forehead! But we were also touched by the
concern of many. We listened as they approached the
teacher and expressed concern for Jonathan's
behavior. They felt he must really be hurting
inside to be taking out so much frustration on
them.
Bullies really do have low self-esteem. If there
is something about themselves they don't like, they
feel that by putting you down, and teasing you,
they are distracting from their own problems.
Bullies are also angry. Most likely they were also
bullied at some point. We call this the "Bully
Cycle." Also in question would be the negative
influence of peers, caretakers who may have abused
or enabled them, and exposure to violence in the
media.
What can the victim do about his/her bully? Try
confronting them and telling them how they are
making you feel. "What did I do to you?" In many
situations ignoring has the best results. If the
bully no longer gets a reaction out of you, he/she
will usually move on. It is no longer any fun. But
what about the bully who is very abusive or
violent? Make sure the school knows what is going
on, and if they are unwilling to get involved, you
need to contact the bully's parents. This type of
bully should be avoided at all costs. Traveling to
school in a group, and staying away from empty
buildings are other wise options.
I'm sure you'll all agree that both the victims
and bullies need help and support. Teach them that
their actions have consequences. Instill in them
the Rules for Fighting Fair: Identify the problem.
Focus on the problem. Attack the problem, not the
person. Listen with an open mind. Treat a person's
feelings with respect. And finally - Take
responsibility for your actions.
Let's all do our part to help prevent the
children of our future from becoming
"statistics."
©2012 Kathy Noll
* * *
In violence, we forget who we are. - Mary
McCarthy
Kathy
Noll is the co-author of Taking
the Bully by the Horns.
She has had her short stories/articles published in
magazines along with interviews, helped NBC news
monitor a classroom in Philadelphia for bullying
behavior, and also helped many people with their
own bully problems through her book, educational
and family related Internet chats, message board
hosting, and e-mail. She has also spoken on radio
and television shows discussing the topics of
school violence and self-esteem. Most recently she
appeared with co-author Dr. Carter on the Montel
Williams show where they talked to kids about
bullies, and promoted their book, "Taking the Bully
by the Horns." She also works as a consultant for
various TV News & Talk Shows. Her second book,
Encounters with Every-Day Angels, is a
workbook on bullying and character development that
can be used in the classroom. www.kathynoll.com
or Email.
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