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April
Father and Son - The Tangled Web of
Intergenerational Relationships
As a Psychotherapist and Social Worker in the
mental health field for almost 35 years, I’ve
observed father-son relationships up close and
personal. There are some good ones but
unfortunately, most are fraught with disappointment
and heartbreak. Robert Bly, the father of the
modern men’s movement--most agree--feels the
reason is as follows: father and son are competing
for mother’s love and affection; therefore,
there is tension between the two--often extreme and
sometimes distain or even hatred. It’s the
grandfather or uncle, in some cases, who rescues
the boy and serves as a better role model than
father, in lucky cases. Unfortunately, many boys
raised in single family homes by a mother, aunt or
grandmother, get little fathering or proper male
modeling; society suffers the consequences.
I often see these young men, middle age men and
even old men in my men’s groups. They are
usually having difficulties in their marriages as
well. They may have had multiple relationships with
women--some monogamous and others, polygamous.
There are many addicts among them; often sexual
compulsives. There are as many recovering
alcoholics, drug addicts and gamblers as well. They
need help and know it but unfortunately, most have
been through the emotional ringer before they made
their way to my office.
The purpose of therapy, both individual as well
as group, is to help them resolve their old
emotional wounds--frequently due to poor
relationships with their fathers. Their fathers may
have been WWII Vets, like my own case, or Korean
Veterans; today, I see many men whose fathers are
Vietnam Vets. All of these men have trouble with
intimacy or struggle with various addictions,
compulsions or obsessions. Poor self-esteem abounds
and struggles with alcohol, drugs, food, over-work
and pornography or affairs seem to ways these men
cope, both young and old. However, something
magical happens when these men get together with
other men and share their “deepest, darkest
secrets.” They allow others to see “their
shadow side” as Carl Jung, MD would call it.
The part of us that we repress, avoid and deny.
This self-transparency has a profound affect on us
as well as our fellow group members. We share our
humanness and other men share theirs; in this most
intimate experience, we start to heal ourselves as
do others.
With over 20 years doing Men’s group
therapy--both my own and others--I’ve grown
significantly in my life, personally and
professionally. Clearly, it has helped my intimate
relationships with men, women, boys and girls. My
family relationships have improved also. My
interaction with all humanity has been impacted for
the better overall.
©2010, Michael
Shaffran
* * *
Mike
Shaffran is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and
Psychotherapist with over 30 years experience in
the mental health profession. He's worked most of
his time in outpatient Psychiatric clinics where he
has provided individual, couples/marital, family
and group therapy. He is trained in multiple
therapies, including: Psycho-dynamic,
Gestalt,Structural-Strategic Family, Solution
focused, Brief Therapy, and other methods. He is
trained in EMDR ( a type of therapy for PTSD),
hypnosis, meditation and guided imagery also. Mike
is committed to ongoing seminars, workshops and
trainings to keep current with the latest therapy
to provide the best services possible to his
clients. www.sanluisobispotherapy.com
or E-Mail
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