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September
Why do men get married?
According to some statistics, fifty percent of
marriages will end in divorce. With odds like that
why do men take the chance on marriage? As I think
about people who have been married multiple times
(myself included) the question arises once again,
why do we do it? Why get married? Isn’t it
more fun to be single and free? Why do we subject
ourselves to the possible emotional and
psychological trauma of marriage and
commitment?
As a talk show host I have the opportunity to
listen to a myriad of opinions on all sorts of
topics. Amazingly, the topic that generates the
most calls are the ones concerning relationships
and marriage. Sadly enough, most of the calls are
ones that express sadness, hurt and misery.
Comments range from, “I really feel trapped in
this marriage” to “I really hate my
spouse”. Once again I pose the question,
“why do we do it”?
Rather than wallow in misery and pain in this
discussion, I thought I would take this opportunity
to answer the question and provide some valuable
insights into why we get married and how we can
make our marriages work.
First I’d like to begin by sharing a few of
the wrong reasons to get married.
1. GSSS (great steady safe sex). This is
the reason so many marriages fail. Men who
experience “great” sex often times
believe that having great sex will insure a great
marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The reason this does not work is because these
types of relationships are based on physical
pleasure not emotional intimacy. You cannot sustain
a great relationship on physical pleasure alone.
You must have emotional and spiritual intimacy in
order to truly connect with another human being. If
you have the emotional intimacy first I can assure
you that you can (and will) have great sex.
2. Loneliness. Most people will not admit
this but I can assure you that there are people who
marry because they are lonely and afraid to be
alone. This is a recipe for disaster. When a person
feels isolated and alone, and needs someone else to
make them feel whole the marriage really can’t
work. A lonely person is operating from an
emotional deficit and nothing outside of that
person can fill that void.
3. It’s the right thing to do or
it’s what I’m supposed to do. This is
the illusion that I was trapped in when I married
the first time. I was moving up the corporate
ladder and thought that by being married I would
exude maturity, responsibility and commitment. I
honestly thought that it would help my career. Sad
to say but that is the truth. It takes courage to
admit this but I know there are lots of people
getting married for this reason. Make sure that you
don't make the same mistake I did. It's easy to get
caught in the societal illusion that we are
"supposed" to be married. Never marry out of duty
and obligation. Marry for love, it's the only thing
that works.
These are just a few of the wrong reasons that
people get married. Take a moment and ask yourself
if you are using any of these reasons to get
married. If so, my advice is to rethink your
marriage proposal and take some time to yourself
and understand what is driving your desire to get
married.
Now I would like to suggest a few reasons why
you should get married. (If you choose to)
1. If you have taken the time to fully
understand yourself and feel happy and complete
just as you are, then you are ready to consider
being married. If and when you are emotionally,
psychologically and spiritually healthy, this is a
great time to consider finding that special person
to share your completeness and wholeness with.
Remember that you must be willing to remove your
own personal baggage (yes men we have baggage) if
you ever want to create a rewarding and fulfilling
relationship.
2. When you find someone that shares the same
core values that you do in regards to money, sex,
children, health and spirituality then you are
ready to unite in marriage. The key is to recognize
that it is the internal values that will dictate
whether or not the marriage will work. If your
potential partner shares the same core values as
you do in these areas then there is a very good
chance that you can create and maintain a
successful marriage. If you are focused on external
qualities like physical appearance, financial
status and educational background only, then
chances are, you will not be able to develop a
relationship of any depth or intimacy.
3. If you are truly committed to your emotional
and spiritual growth you recognize that if a
relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying.
When you can make the commitment to yourself and
the person you love to make sure that the
relationship keeps growing, then you are ready for
marriage. This means that you take the time to
nurture the relationship by being emotionally open
and transparent with your thoughts and feelings and
you commit to doing whatever it takes to stay
connected to your partner. You must make the
commitment to recognize your emotional needs as
well as your partners so that there is always open
and honest communication. This takes effort but I
can assure you that it is well worth it.
The intention of this article is to simply
provide fuel for contemplation for anyone who may
be considering marriage. To sum it all up, the
reason we get married is because we all want to be
loved and accepted by a special someone in our
lives. As human beings, we are social creatures
that literally need the connections that are
created in relationships to be happy. My belief is
that there is nothing more important than having
loving, supportive and nurturing relationships in
our lives. Marriage is the ultimate expression of
relationships and should only be entered into when
we are emotionally, psychologically and spiritually
whole.
If you choose to take the plunge, know that
great marriages are possible but they definitely
take effort. Ultimately, creating a great marriage
boils down to the simple principle I mentioned
earlier, “if it’s not growing, it’s
dying”.
Commit to growing your relationships or marriage
and watch your joy grow exponentially. Good
luck!
©2009, Michael
Taylor
* * *
Michael
Taylor is a dreamer, revolutionary, an
entrepreneur, author (A New
Conversatoin with
Men), personal
development coach and motivational speaker who has
dedicated his life to empowering men (and women) to
reach their full potential. He does not consider
himself to be an expert or guru. He does consider
himself to be extremely knowledgeable in the field
of personal growth and development. The fact is, he
is an ordinary guy that made a commitment to live
an extraordinary life and he wants to challenge you
to do the same. E-Mail
or www.anewconversationwithmen.com
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