A New
Coversation
with Men
 

September
Why do men get married?


According to some statistics, fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce. With odds like that why do men take the chance on marriage? As I think about people who have been married multiple times (myself included) the question arises once again, why do we do it? Why get married? Isn’t it more fun to be single and free? Why do we subject ourselves to the possible emotional and psychological trauma of marriage and commitment?

As a talk show host I have the opportunity to listen to a myriad of opinions on all sorts of topics. Amazingly, the topic that generates the most calls are the ones concerning relationships and marriage. Sadly enough, most of the calls are ones that express sadness, hurt and misery. Comments range from, “I really feel trapped in this marriage” to “I really hate my spouse”. Once again I pose the question, “why do we do it”?

Rather than wallow in misery and pain in this discussion, I thought I would take this opportunity to answer the question and provide some valuable insights into why we get married and how we can make our marriages work.

First I’d like to begin by sharing a few of the wrong reasons to get married.

1. GSSS (great steady safe sex). This is the reason so many marriages fail. Men who experience “great” sex often times believe that having great sex will insure a great marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. The reason this does not work is because these types of relationships are based on physical pleasure not emotional intimacy. You cannot sustain a great relationship on physical pleasure alone. You must have emotional and spiritual intimacy in order to truly connect with another human being. If you have the emotional intimacy first I can assure you that you can (and will) have great sex.

2. Loneliness. Most people will not admit this but I can assure you that there are people who marry because they are lonely and afraid to be alone. This is a recipe for disaster. When a person feels isolated and alone, and needs someone else to make them feel whole the marriage really can’t work. A lonely person is operating from an emotional deficit and nothing outside of that person can fill that void.

3. It’s the right thing to do or it’s what I’m supposed to do. This is the illusion that I was trapped in when I married the first time. I was moving up the corporate ladder and thought that by being married I would exude maturity, responsibility and commitment. I honestly thought that it would help my career. Sad to say but that is the truth. It takes courage to admit this but I know there are lots of people getting married for this reason. Make sure that you don't make the same mistake I did. It's easy to get caught in the societal illusion that we are "supposed" to be married. Never marry out of duty and obligation. Marry for love, it's the only thing that works.

These are just a few of the wrong reasons that people get married. Take a moment and ask yourself if you are using any of these reasons to get married. If so, my advice is to rethink your marriage proposal and take some time to yourself and understand what is driving your desire to get married.

Now I would like to suggest a few reasons why you should get married. (If you choose to)

1. If you have taken the time to fully understand yourself and feel happy and complete just as you are, then you are ready to consider being married. If and when you are emotionally, psychologically and spiritually healthy, this is a great time to consider finding that special person to share your completeness and wholeness with. Remember that you must be willing to remove your own personal baggage (yes men we have baggage) if you ever want to create a rewarding and fulfilling relationship.

2. When you find someone that shares the same core values that you do in regards to money, sex, children, health and spirituality then you are ready to unite in marriage. The key is to recognize that it is the internal values that will dictate whether or not the marriage will work. If your potential partner shares the same core values as you do in these areas then there is a very good chance that you can create and maintain a successful marriage. If you are focused on external qualities like physical appearance, financial status and educational background only, then chances are, you will not be able to develop a relationship of any depth or intimacy.

3. If you are truly committed to your emotional and spiritual growth you recognize that if a relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying. When you can make the commitment to yourself and the person you love to make sure that the relationship keeps growing, then you are ready for marriage. This means that you take the time to nurture the relationship by being emotionally open and transparent with your thoughts and feelings and you commit to doing whatever it takes to stay connected to your partner. You must make the commitment to recognize your emotional needs as well as your partners so that there is always open and honest communication. This takes effort but I can assure you that it is well worth it.

The intention of this article is to simply provide fuel for contemplation for anyone who may be considering marriage. To sum it all up, the reason we get married is because we all want to be loved and accepted by a special someone in our lives. As human beings, we are social creatures that literally need the connections that are created in relationships to be happy. My belief is that there is nothing more important than having loving, supportive and nurturing relationships in our lives. Marriage is the ultimate expression of relationships and should only be entered into when we are emotionally, psychologically and spiritually whole.

If you choose to take the plunge, know that great marriages are possible but they definitely take effort. Ultimately, creating a great marriage boils down to the simple principle I mentioned earlier, “if it’s not growing, it’s dying”.

Commit to growing your relationships or marriage and watch your joy grow exponentially. Good luck!

©2009, Michael Taylor

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Michael Taylor is a dreamer, revolutionary, an entrepreneur, author (A New Conversatoin with Men), personal development coach and motivational speaker who has dedicated his life to empowering men (and women) to reach their full potential. He does not consider himself to be an expert or guru. He does consider himself to be extremely knowledgeable in the field of personal growth and development. The fact is, he is an ordinary guy that made a commitment to live an extraordinary life and he wants to challenge you to do the same. E-Mail or www.anewconversationwithmen.com



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