Michael Webb is a world renowned relationship and romance
expert having appeared on over 400 radio and television
shows. He and his wife have been blissfully married for over
10 years. He is the best-selling author of The
RoMANtic's Guide: Hundreds of creative tips for a
lifetime of love.. Sign up for his FREE relationship
tips newsletter by sending a blank e-mail to: secrets-on@mail-list.com
or visit www.TheRomantic.com
Collecting Dust Is Your Relationship in Neutral? Many men have the impression that as long as they are not yelling at their wives, beating them, cheating on them or leaving huge messes around the house, they must be a good husband. All that means is that he isn't a bad husband. More than likely he is an average husband (which is nothing to brag about). Instead of not just yelling at his wife, a husband should make an effort to say lots of wonderful things to her. Instead of not beating his wife, he should make certain he often lovingly touches his sweetheart: stroking her hair, lightly kissing her neck, gently massaging her shoulders, kindly rubbing her feet and giving her light kisses on her cheek, nose, ears, forehead and of course, lips. A man shouldn't only not cheat on his wife, he should passionately seduce her. Not being a total slob isn't bad. Helping your wife with the chores is better. Giving her a whole day or week off from her usual chores and you doing them for her is best. Men should never settle for being average. If your relationship has been in neutral, it's time you move into first gear. Something to think about... A woman recently wrote to me asking for advice for her relationship. Her fiance proposed to her on their third date. She was thrilled at first but now the excitement has dwindled and she wanted some ideas for reigniting that spark. My first bit of advice to her was to break off the engagement but continue to date the guy. They jumped in too fast and made a decision based too much on emotions. While it is possible they could end up having a blissful marriage, the odds are against them. Perhaps you often hear of people who "fell in love at first site," married shortly thereafter and are still going strong. Sadly, for every one of those love at first site, blissfully married couples there are hundreds of others whose marriage ended in a bitter divorce. Like the seasons, people change throughout the year. Woman and men have a noticeable reaction to the climate outdoors and the changes in the seasons. It was probably this very reason many marriage counselors recommend this dating ritual: A relationship should be well-seasoned before there is a commitment to marriage. After witnessing hundreds of courtships, engagements, marriages and divorces, I firmly believe that a couple should at the least date in the Winter, Spring, Summer and Autumn before tying the knot. It is a well documented statistic that couples who have dated for a year or longer before marriage have a significantly lower rate of divorce than those who married after a short dating period. A year of dating gives time for many emotions to surface and many character traits to be discovered. You may adore someone in the Spring, but despise them in the Winter. Asking someone for their hand in marriage on the third date isn't romantic. It's gambling. Something to think about... My wife and I have a one year old son named Ashton. Shortly after he was born I had to make several different short business trips as a part of my spokesperson duties. Each day I was gone I called at least once or twice. It was very tempting to start off the conversation with questions about Ashton: "How is he doing? How has he been sleeping? Is he eating ok? Is he making any funny faces?" Likewise, it would be very natural for me to run and pick him up as soon as I returned home, hold him tight and tell him how much I missed him. I did neither. I made a very conscious decision that when I called Athena and when I returned home, I would first ask her how her day was, how she was feeling and let her know just how much I missed her. After I made sure it was clear that she was my top concern, then I asked about Ashton or went over to hold him in my arms. In those exciting first months of parenthood, it would have be very easy for me to fall into the habit of paying close attention to my child and brush aside my wife to second place. The problem is, habits are hard to break. What might seem like a momentary change of priorities often becomes the norm for years on out. I've noted many parents who have unknowing neglected the spouse when children come on the scene. This does not only happen to parents. Men and women let other things become priority over their mate: work, family, friends, household duties, even hobbies. What might seem like a temporary issue that needs our top priority, may soon be permanently elevated above our spouse simply out of habit. No matter what new exciting event happens in your life, make a conscious decision to express yourself clearly that your mate will come first -- always. Something to think about... This month Athena and I will celebrate our eleventh year anniversary. Over the last few years we've had occasion to travel on several press trips with other journalists. The trips typically lasted from three to five days and the travel writers would do almost everything together: eat, tour, shop and socialize. We got to know each other rather well by the end of the trip. One of the best compliments Athena and I have received have come at the end of some of these trips when journalists ask us how long we've been married. They often remark that they thought we were newlyweds! What is it about newlyweds that sets them apart from couples who have been married for years? Here is my list of observations. You might be mistaken for a newlywed if you...@ Often hold hands in public.@ Display other proper affection in public: wrapping arms around each other, casually kiss, gently stroke another's hair from time to time (I personally don't think making out in public is appropriate whether you are a newlywed or not). @ Refer to each other with endearing terms like *my bride* or *my handsome husband* @ Want to be near each other in social occasions, not as far apart as possible @ Refrain from insulting one another @ Comment how beautiful, kind, smart, caring, etc. your mate is to others @ Make each other smile or laugh often If people don't mistake you for being newlywed, then ask yourself why. Something to think about... In Australia there is a phrase "the tall poppy syndrome." It describes the condition when a person is uncomfortable if one flower arises its head too far above the rest. They think it looks unnatural, so what do they do - they cut it down to the level of the other flowers. Do you have the same habit with your loved ones? Some people have the hardest time letting others take some praise. If our coworker gets a promotion we tease them about what devious things they did to get it. If our brothers and sisters brought home better report cards we discounted the difficulty of the classes they took. We find it hard to accept that some people are going to naturally rise above others. That person might even be a spouse who makes more money, has a better physique, more friends, or is better educated. We also have this nasty habit of cutting down all the poppies around us if we are feeling particularly low about ourselves. I remember when my sister made a rude comment about my thinning hair so I launched back an equally unkind comment about her thickening waist. We could have acted more maturely and watered each other with kind comments and encouraging remarks, but ignorantly we were tearing up the flower garden so no one could enjoy its beauty. Do you like to insult (talk trash, 'dis, cut, slice) others? Does it make you feel like your poppy has grown higher? My personal peeve is when spouses spout insults about each other in front of their friends. They think their clever but insulting remarks will make their flower look prettier but in reality your mate's flower is wrapped around yours. If you cut theirs down, yours will be butchered too. Whoever came up with the "sticks and stones" phrase wasn't very bright. Insults are verbal sticks and stones and they can tear up a field of beautiful poppies in no time. Something to think about... I've got a secret and I'm not sharing. Actually, I have a lot of secrets. There are a lot of things that are only known to Athena and me. That keeps us close. I like it when Athena shares things with me that she doesn't with others. It makes me feel special and unique in her eyes. I tell her things that I don't tell my friends or family. It's not like these are horrible things we have done that we can't tell others. I just want Athena to feel like she knows me better than anyone else. Some people can't keep any secrets. They tell their mom or sister or best friend anything and everything. The instant they get pregnant, win an award or get a raise they share it with other people besides their mate. Sometimes they share it with others before they tell their mate. That doesn't build a blissful relationship, it tears it down. Make your sweetheart feel special. Always share important things with them first. Let some things remain a secret between the two of you for a little while before letting the rest of the world know all about your personal life. Consider not sharing some things with your father,
sibling or best friend. Have a few things that only you and
your sweetheart can share. It will keep you close. Something
to think about... There are stock car races and thoroughbred races, I prefer leaf races. One of my favorite ways to spend a Sunday afternoon is a picnic near a gurgling brook. After the wine, cheese, bagels and strawberries I’m ready to head off to the races. Athena and I each search for the perfect leaf - one that is light enough to float briskly along with the current and yet tough enough to survive the ravages of whirlpools and being tossed against boulders. If there are no leaves to be found sticks can be substituted. If you plan in advance you can spend a couple of dollars at the toy store and buy rubber ducks or toy boats to race. Not only are these races wonderful for a couple, they are fun for the whole family. We might race 3, 5 or more times. We keep track of how many wins we each have and the overall loser gets to buy ice cream, hot chocolate or some other treat for the winner. So for that next date, consider a day at the races. Finally. Athena went away for the weekend. It’s not that I was getting tired of her -- I just needed a few hours alone to create a special gift for her. I’m sure most of you have seen the magnetic poetry kits at gift shops. They contain a hundred or so individual words with magnetic backing that can be arranged to create refrigerator poetry. I think they’re a great idea, but I wanted to make a set that was more personalized. First I went to the office supply store and purchased a pack of 25 magnetic backs for business cards. They cost about $5.00. I measured the magnetic pieces and created the appropriate margins in my word processing program. Then I began typing. I put in over two hundred poetry words like “stars, flicker, moonlight, touch, and gentle.”Then I added personalized words such as “Athena, Michael, travel, best, friend, sweetheart, cutest, girl” and other nick-names and words that would have special meaning to the two of us. Of course I included liberal amounts of “a, an, the, I, and, but” and suffixes and prefixes like “s, ed, pre, sub, extra, ly, ing” and so on. I printed out all the words and then placed them on top of 20 of the magnets. Then, I used clear shelving paper and placed it on top of the paper for a protective layer. I used a razor utility knife and scissors to cut the words apart. Then I rummaged up a little box and put all the pieces inside. I created a label on the computer that said “more than Words” and put it on the box. It was ready to greet Athena when she came back from her trip. By now, some of you are saying “that sure does sound like a lot of work to me. I don’t have any spare time to do anything like that.” The whole project probably took me about 3 or 4 hours. It is true that you probably don’t have the time in one sitting to create this. However, if you took 10 to 15 minutes of your lunch break every day, you could have it done in a couple of weeks. If it still seems overwhelming for you, you can always
buy the romance edition of the Magnetic Poetry at gift
stores and make just a handful of special words. It
won’t be as personal, but it still is a nice gift. When I first ventured into the working world I landed a job that required a great deal of customer service. There were some valuable lessons I learned on the job that I now use at home. Those who work in customer service are taught that when a customer has a complaint, that we should first listen to them. We are often tempted to try to solve their "problem" before we even hear them finish telling us why they are upset. If we listen to their whole story, sometimes that in itself satisfies them. They just needed to let off a little steam. The second step in good customer service is to acknowledge the problem and to be genuinely sorry that everything did not go as they expected. A simple, yet sincere apology satisfies many situations. Only after we have fully heard the complaint and have acknowledged their suffering can we truly offer them some sort of compensation. In many cases if you ask a customer how they would like the situation remedied, they will offer a solution that is both very fair and will have them very satisfied. The next time your mate comes to you with a complaint, don't butt in, but fully listen to them. Be understanding and express sympathy for their hurt feelings. Ask them what you can do for them to make them feel better. If you want your beloved to keep coming back, treat them like they are your number one customer. Something to think about... I attended a small, private college back in the late 80s. One of the years a policy of prohibition was introduced. No alcohol was going to be allowed on campus. The reason behind the decision was that a number of students were having problems with alcohol. They couldn't resist the temptation to drink it in excessive amounts. The policy was not meant to punish students from enjoying a beer or a glass of wine here and there. It was meant to be a measure of love to those students who had little self-control around liquor. Many students, however, simply saw it as one of their "freedoms" being taken away. They cared little that expressing their "freedom" was actually a "curse" to others. In a truly loving and blissful relationship, we are willing to sacrifice some of our own freedoms for the benefit of our spouse. Here are a few freedoms you might need to freely give up.
In a blissful relationship, you love your mate more than you love yourself. So giving up freedoms don't really seem like a sacrifices -- they feel more like gifts. Something to think about... The other day a friend was sharing with Athena and me that when their first son was born they were so excited at the new adventure that they did some things they later regretted. One of those things was to begin feeding him solid foods when he was only two months old. Practically every authority recommends that you wait until a baby is at least five or six months until they begin eating foods. Their digestive systems aren't typically mature enough to handle solids and you greatly increase a child's chance of having allergies and other problems if you introduce food too soon. Now here is some advice many of you probably don't want to hear about what you shouldn't do early on in your relationship and I'll probably get a lot of nasty mail because of it (read some of the feedback at http://www.theromantic.com/JustBetween/feedback.htm ). But I don't write this column to be popular. I write it to help people have blissful relationships. If you want to have a blissful relationship, don't ruin the chances by introducing things into your relationship until you are ready for it. I'm constantly bewildered when people can't figure out why they keep having failed relationships when they muddle them with physical intimacy. It's fairly common for couples to kiss on their first date, begin caressing soon afterwards and start a sexual relationship within a few weeks or months of knowing each other.0 While I'm not going to tell you how long you should wait to begin kissing, hugging and making non-sexual contact, I'm going to boldl state that our bodies and minds are not designed for sexual relationships until marriage. The two go hand and hand and to try to separate them causes a lot of emotional turmoil in our relationships. The average American has ten sexual partners before they are married. They either think each partner is *the one* or they think sex is so wonderful they don't want to miss out on the opportunity. Sex is indeed wonderful and very special and saving it for the wedding night is treating it as something special. Sharing it with practically everyone you date makes it rather ordinary. Here are just a few of the emotional problems premarital sex can cause: When you sleep with someone you aren't married to, they begin to wonder how many other people you have slept with. If you are willing to have sex with someone you aren't married to, will you feel the same after you are married? One has a tendency to compare themselves with their mate's previous conquests. Since sexual relationships were designed for married couples, your mind naturally begins pushing the relationship further along than where you might be. You might not even know the person you are sleeping with but you start forming an emotional attachment to them. Many couples who really shouldn't be together are married because a premarital sexual relationship *bonded* them together when they wouldn't have bonded without being physically intimate. I've talked with quite a few people who waited to begin a sexual relationship until they were married and NONE of them have regretted it. I've chatted with numerous people who began a sexual relationship before the wedding and PRACTICALLY ALL of them had regrets. While waiting to have sex until you are married won't guarantee a blissful relationship, it will certainly cause your mate to honor and respect you much more than if you didn't. Love, marriage and sex -- let's keep them in that order. Something to think about.. When Ashton had been incubating for about seven or eight months in my wife's belly, we bought an upright freezer. I thought it might be a good idea to make some dinners in advance since we had no idea how busy and tired we might be when our son arrived. Athena and I purchased a pack of aluminum pans. I made twelve large pans of enchiladas and put them in our freezer. It's one of the smartest things I have ever done. When Ashton was born and we wanted a *home-cooked* meal we took a pan out of the freezer and after 35 minutes in the oven, we had a tasty dish of enchiladas or some other pre-made meal ready to devour. Our birth/recovery period wasn't nearly as difficult as what most couples describe. How much *reserves* do you have in your relationship? Are you stocked up and prepared for the more difficult times ahead? While all marriages face stressful situations, blissful relationships don't really have the same lows as your average partnership. Do you know why? Couples in blissful relationships have their freeze stocked for emergencies. I'm not talking enchiladas here. If you come upon a difficult period in your relationship and you don't have adequate *reserves* you can end up starving. Hungry couples are edgy, irritable and are prone to arguments. If you don't want your relationship to starve in the future, start beefing up your reserves. Here are some great ways to stock up your relationship freezer.
Couples who have their reservoirs filled great memories, lots of shared positive experiences, wisdom gained from publications and friends, and constant interaction are able to weather almost any drought that their marriage might face. So, how full is YOUR freezer? Something to think
about... Have you ever had a friend or coworker tell you that they couldn't go to a fun event because their partner had to work, would be out or town or had some sort of conflict and wouldn't be able to make it? Athena and I are pretty much inseparable. We love to travel, shop, garden, eat, play and work together. But I would find it utterly selfish to make her feel guilty about missing some fun event or opportunity just because I couldn't go too. Blissful relationships are NOT built on equal opportunity. Athena lets me sleep later in the morning when Ashton wakes her up. I don't make her feel guilty about spending half the day at the pool with friends when I have work to do. I take business trips alone where I am wined and dined and driven around in limousines. Athena sometimes goes to the park or museum without me. We'd be missing out on a whole lot if we decided that we could only have fun together. Enjoy the perks that your circumstance gives you. If your sweetheart is offered a meal at the city's finest restaurant, encourage them to take it even if you can't be there to share it. If your boss gives you a free day pass to a spa and resort, go and don't feel guilty that your partner couldn't join you. Some couples are willing to do this as long as they *equal out* in the end. They rationalize that she can go on an all expense paid three day ski trip with her company only because last year he went on a golf trip paid by his employer. In a truly loving and blissful relationship you aren't keeping score of these things. You naturally desire more good things for your mate than for yourself. If your partner gets ten times as many perks as you do, be happy for them. If you are the one getting all the cool stuff, be grateful and accept it. If you wait to do all the fun things only with your
sweetheart, both of you will eventually regret it. How to Find (or Keep) a Spouse Back in college I had a bit of a reputation -- a reputation with the ladies. No, it's not what you think. Because I grew up with six sisters I seemed to know quite a bit more about women than most guys so they would often to come to me for advice I went to a christian university and many of the men were older students and actually serious about relationships. They weren't just looking for someone to go out with, they were wanting to find a wife. *How will I know if a woman will be a good wife and how do I go about finding her?* was a question I received time and time again. Here was my advice. Don't use all your effort on trying to find yourself a woman who will be a good wife. Instead, spend almost all your time molding yourself into a great husband. That's the hard part. Once you are a man who will make a great husband, finding (and keeping) a wife is much less difficult. The same advice goes for women looking for a husband. It was amazing to me that men who wouldn't brush their teeth or comb their hair were frustrated that they couldn't get women to go out with them. Guys who had little ambition and absolutely no fashion sense couldn't understand why God hadn't *blessed* them with a wife. And the same goes for sour, abrupt women who complain that either they can't keep a man or the man they already have isn't worth keeping. This is not to say that if you are single it is because
you are unworthy. The point is, don't worry too much about
finding or keeping someone. Take care of yourself. Learn to
be patient and forgiving. Read books, take courses and do
all things possible to make yourself the number one
potential husband or wife in the world. That's the best way
to find and keep a great wife or terrific husband. A few months ago my sister told me about a dilemma she and he boyfriend were having. Her boyfriend's niece was having a birthday party and the invitation expressly said *please, no presents.* My sister couldn't imagine not buying something for their sweet, little niece. Whenever someone has a birthday, she always buys them a present. How else will they know that you love them? I suggested to my sister that there were other ways she could help the niece celebrate becoming one year older. They could take her to the zoo or park. An afternoon at Chuck E Cheese (a children's pizza restaurant) or even a trip to a McDonalds with a Playland would be a great gift. This little girl's parents probably realized that she already had more toys than she needs or even plays with and one more toy wouldn't make her happier in the long run. In fact, by constantly getting new presents, she receives less satisfaction with what she already has. We often do the same thing in our adult relationships.
The first thing that comes to mind when a birthday,
anniversary or special occasion comes around is to BUY
something to express your love. We forget that experiences
are far more valuable than *expensives* in relationships. We
probably don't need another piece of jewelry, CD, book or
power tool collecting dust. When you constantly receive new
*stuff*, you stop appreciating what you already have. What
we need are more walks on the beach, picnics under the
stars, afternoons by the lake and nights of snuggling on the
sofa. Several months ago I asked some friends who recently had a baby if they had decided what kind of parenting style they were going to use They gave me a quizzical look and I clarified. I mentioned that there are many different methods or rearing children - ranging from strict disciplinarian to hands off. I wanted to know if they read about or discussed the various methods they would use to raise their baby? Like many parents, they hadn't given it too much thought. Basically, they were going to raise their child how they remember being raised. Some parents who feel they had a poor upbringing try to raise their children the exact opposite way they were raised. In reality, our friends had no real plan for raising their child. I see this same approach in relationships and it can be very unhealthy. Just because you turned out "ok" doesn't mean that you were reared wonderfully. And just because your parents never divorced doesn't mean you should mimic their relationship. If you want to be a great basket weaver how would you go about it? By instinct? By watching those who make ordinary or even awful baskets? If you want to be a top-notch basket weaver you would spend a lot of time watching experts in the field, noting their technique. You would read books on the subject and take some courses. When it came to weaving your basket, you would probably have some ideas and concepts about what you wanted it to look like before you even started. A relationship is a lot more complex than making baskets. If you want to have a top-notch relationship then you can't simply let nature take its course. You must have a plan. First, you make the decision that you are going to have a blissful relationship and hopefully you can get your mate to agree to the same. You will want to observe couples who have blissful relationships and maybe ask them a lot of questions. You should read books on the subject and perhaps take some courses from experts. Raising well-behaved, respectful children takes a lot of
time, thought and effort. Creating a beautiful basket takes
skill, dedication and good teaching. A blissful relationship
takes all the above and then some. Athena and I love to travel. We began traveling on our honeymoon and have been globetrotting ever since. We soon realized that there were a lot of things that we were taking along that we thought would enhance our trip, but in reality, the weight of the unnecessary items put a burden on us. The extra weight limited our enjoyment of our trip. When we took a two week tour through Europe, all we carried was a knapsack each. The minimal luggage allowed us to see and do more in two weeks than what many people can do in two months. I think we all have to ask ourselves what kind of excess baggage are we maintaining in our relationship that might be weighing it down. Here are just a few superfluous bags that might be keeping your relationship from being truly blissful.
These are just a few of the bags that people tend to hold onto in their relationships. They want them there "just in case." They want to be able to say "I told you so" or they like to drag out those old dusty bags to use as ammunition in arguments. But it is hard to really embrace each other when you are juggling two Samsonite suitcases, a laptop computer, a purse, umbrella and a duffle bag. Come up with your own list of "baggage" that you might have in your relationship. Discuss the list with your significant other and then ceremoniously burn the list to indicate that you are no longer going to carry those heavy bags. If you haven't experienced the freedom of traveling lightly, physically and in relationships, give it a try. You will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Something to think about... When my wife Athena was pregnant we bought a few books on pregnancy, breast feeding and other related subjects. The books weren't just for her, they were for me as well. Part of having a blissful relationship is trying to know and understand each other as much as is possible. Athena's body was going through a major transformation. I would never be able to experienc it myself but I was able to be sympathetic and encouraging by reading what she was going through. There have been many times I have been able to assist her through the pregnancy and now nursing and raising our son because I took the time to read many books and magazine articles on those subjects. Some people would find it odd that I can give my wife breastfeeding advice. Athena is the most important person in the world to me and I want to know everything I possibly can about her, lactating breasts and all. How knowledgeable are you about your mate's profession or degree they are pursuing? Do you know anything about his or her family heritage? Are you able to have a meaningful conversation about their cross-stitch hobby or interest in rugby? If you are a man, do you fully understand what women experience during PMS or menopause? Ladies, have you read up on male menopause? Couples with the most problems are often the ones that say "I just don't understand him/her." There is a book in the library for practically every subject so if there is something you don't know or understand about your sweetheart, make it a goal to find out. Something to think about... ©2009 by Michael Webb Romance is a love affair in other than domestic surroundings. - Walter Raleigh Michael Webb is a world renowned relationship and romance expert having appeared on over 400 radio and television shows. He and his wife have been blissfully married for over 10 years. He is the best-selling author of The RoMANtic's Guide: Hundreds of creative tips for a lifetime of love.. Sign up for his FREE relationship tips newsletter by sending a blank e-mail to: E-Mail or visit www.TheRomantic.com or E-Mail 
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