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January
Do Married and Committed Couples Still have Solo
Sessions?
One of the controversies I often discuss with
couples and individuals in counseling is whether
masturbation helps or hurts a long-term
partnership. Before I pass along a few suggestions
from successful couples in my counseling practice,
let me first ask you what's been your lived
experience on this issue:
- Have you ever felt guilty or uncomfortable
for taking matters into your own hands and not
telling your partner?
- Have you ever felt resentful toward your
partner because you or your partner felt the
need to masturbate rather than having sex
together?
- Have you ever discussed the possibility of
masturbating with your partner's verbal
encouragement or actual physical assistance on
nights when one of you is too tired or not in
the mood for sex?
- Have you ever argued with each other about
whether one or both of you is masturbating too
much, or is addicted to porn or Internet
sites?
While very few couples talk openly about their
solo sexual moments, in fact a non-attacking
conversation about the presence orabsence of
masturbation can have a major impact on the success
or failure of your relationship.
Here's what I mean:
1) Men who masturbate only on the nights when
their partner is not in the mood tend to be more
patient, loving and resilient than men who refuse
to masturbate and turn each sexual turn-down into a
whining plea or an angry battle.
Many women find it to be a relief to know that
their husband can take care of his own business on
nights when she's tired or stressed.
2) Women who masturbate at least once or twice a
month tend to learn a lot about what they enjoy in
lovemaking and are better able to teach their
partner what brings them to a great orgasm.
If a man wants to be a caring lover, he should
listen closely when his wife or partner describes
what pillows, vibrators, bath faucets, finger
motions, or other methods give her the most
wonderful pleasures.
3) Men who are addicted to porn or who actually
prefer the predictability of masturbation to the
complexity and riskiness of making love with a
real-life partner tend to create a lot of arguments
and emotional distance in their relationships. I
strongly recommend that if you and your partner
have been clashing about porn because of religious
values or a sense that porn is getting the way of
real intimacy, you may need to try a 7 day or 30
day sabbatical from porn to revive your interest in
real human-to-human contact.
4) Many healthy couples utilize masturbation as
a way of increasing the closeness and intimacy of
their relationship. For example, in my book Wake Up
or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to Strengthening
Your Relationship, I describe a real-life example
of a couple where the husband takes the pressure
off his wife by masturbating on nights when she is
too tired and she gets to enjoy watching him and
embracing him afterward.
I also describe a real-life example of a couple
where the wife unwinds after stressful days by
masturbating in the bathtub that has been lovingly
prepared by her husband who also gives her a
relaxing neck rub before letting her have thirty
minutes of private, uninterrupted time for
herself.
5) Quite often when one partner is too tired to
make love and the other partner offers to do "most
of the heavy lifting solo," it turns on the tired
partner who then decides to join in the fun. While
there is no guarantee that this kind of intimacy
will lead to a lovemaking session together, it
certainly increases the odds from 0% to close to
50% that both of you will be rolling around in the
sheets in a little while.
©2008, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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