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June
The Loving Gift of Being Fully Present
What would it be like if you and your partner
became excellent listeners on a daily basis? For
example, think back through the months or years you
have known your partner and recall the times when
the two of you talked like best friends who truly
cared about each other. What did it feel like to
have a soul mate who was 100 percent there for you?
Wouldn't it be great to have that sense of deep
connection again in your conversations?
You may have had moments in your relationship
when you both made sure to set aside time each day
or each week to catch up on what was happening with
each other. Do you remember what that was like, and
do you know why you've stopped making your moments
together a high priority?
You may have had moments when you felt
completely understood and appreciated by each
other, when the two of you felt like passionate
co-conspirators facing the obstacles and challenges
of life together. Did you fall in love because you
could appreciate one another's visions and
vulnerabilities better than anyone else?
I bring up these questions to help you and your
partner remember how amazing it feels when you are
absolutely in the current moment connecting with
your loved one. Yet to be fully present with the
person you love deeply is not easy to accomplish.
Not only do we have busy lives and lots to deal
with, but we find it risky to open up and be fully
known by another human being. On a stressful day
when your brain and nervous system get battered and
fried, how do you show up and be there 100 percent
in the current moment with a partner who might also
be exhausted or agitated?
Ways to Create Heartfelt Listening
No one sets out to be a lousy listener. I doubt
that you've ever heard at a wedding or commitment
ceremony the partners pro- claim in their vows, "I
promise to be a mediocre listener to you. I vow to
show condescending signs of impatience or say
things like 'So what's your point already?' when I
come home from work and you're trying to describe
the ups and downs of your day." Yet even if you're
highly respected as a good listener in your job,
you might still need to overcome the tendency to
wear your "I've got no listening left" face when
you're at home with your long-term partner or your
kids.
There are three things you can do to master the
art of heartfelt listening, even on a stressful
day: the Daily Decompression Exercise, the
Twenty-Minute Daily Check-In, and Giving Each Other
Three Appreciations.
The Daily Decompression Exercise
It's going to take more than good intentions if
you want to be fully present for each other after a
stressful day. That's why I recommend a remarkable
tool called the Daily Decompression Exercise that
I've seen work for hundreds of couples. Instead of
going on automatic pilot when you're at home and
slipping into impatience or grumpiness, you can use
this exercise to manually adjust your focus and
breathing at the moment your beloved partner needs
you to be fully present. Instead of getting
distracted, you can become the exquisite listener
that a great partnership requires.
Here's what to do:
Before you try to have a quality conversation
with your loved one, take five or ten minutes to
"decompress" from the day. You might want to stop a
block or two before your street and take five quiet
minutes to remind yourself, "I'm not at work any
longer. I'm about to enter a different atmosphere
where my loved ones are hoping they'll have the
good listener this time instead of the cranky,
impatient, burned-out basket case they've had to
endure too many times."
Or go into the washroom and rinse your hands and
face as you say into the mirror, "This is a crucial
moment when I'm either going to be a great listener
or an impatient jerk. The quality of my
relationship depends on whether I show up right now
with an open heart or a closed mind."
During your five- or ten-minute decompression,
you may also meditate or say a prayer to reconnect
with that calm place deep inside yourself. You
could say something like, "Please help me open my
heart even though my body is tired." Or you could
imagine that you're an astronaut or a scuba diver
who needs to regain normal breathing now that
you're coming back to firm ground after spending
time in an alien environment. If you came back
suddenly to normal oxygen after a journey to outer
space or the ocean floor, you would begin by
breathing slowly and calmly as you said to
yourself, "I'm entering a completely different
world than where I've been the past several
hours."
Whatever approach you utilize, make sure you
take a moment to feel your body and your mind
shifting out of the "get to the point already" tone
that might be normal at work but disastrous at
home. Breathe deeply as you envision yourself
turning back into a loving partner-and a caring and
patient parent if you have kids at home.
As you walk up to your front door, stop for a
moment to make sure you're ready to approach your
loved ones with your most compassionate self. The
moment before you say "Hello" or "How are you?" to
your loved ones, take a deep breath and remind
yourself, "The person I'm about to talk to is more
important than any client, customer, boss,
colleague, or phone caller I've spoken to today. I
better show up fully available for this next
conversation because nothing else is as important
as these precious moments together. " You might
even want to put these few sentences on a note card
that you keep in your wallet in case you need to
read them to yourself after an especially stressful
day.
Even if your partner or your kids start right in
saying something you've heard before, remind
yourself that you can still be a calm and patient
listener. As your partner begins to speak, if you
notice that your impatience, irritability, or
desire to interrupt is welling up, be sure to catch
yourself and say silently, "Don't be a jerk. Don't
be the lousy listener who can ruin a good
relationship. Right now I'm definitely tired, but
I'm still capable of listening with a completely
open heart. This is the moment to prove whether I'm
a great partner or a cranky burden for my loved
ones."
Please don't underestimate the importance of
this decompression portion of your day. What you
say to yourself to unhook from your stressed-out
mood is up to you. I've listed here a few
possibilities, but feel free to change these
statements into your own words. The key is to find
a way to decompress so you won't stir up a fight or
disappoint those who look forward to seeing you
when you come home. Because if you talk to your
partner or your kids the way you talk to someone
you are disciplining at work, your loved ones will
be thinking to themselves, "Oh, great, here we go
again. The agitated commander in chief is home
again and we're all supposed to take orders. Get me
outta here!"
©2008, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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