|
July
Smooth Out the Initiation of Intimacy
I conclude with two additional fine points of
lovemaking that I've seen help shift couples from a
so-so to a spectacular love life. The first is
something that I often hear good and decent men
wish could be improved about their relationships.
As most men and some women have explained to me in
counseling sessions, "It's difficult to always be
the one to do the initiating. It's frustrating to
be the one who gets turned down time after time,
but when I ask my partner if she would be willing
to take the risk and initiate sex once in a while,
she rarely does."
When it comes to your own relationship, is there
one partner -- male or female -- who usually does
the initiating or the asking, or who makes the
risky first move? Has the situation become so
one-sided that one of you has started to get
resentful?
What I recommend is not to fight or bicker about
this imbalance, but to have a creative and
non-attacking conversation instead. A relaxed and
playful talk about how to bring more mutuality and
teamwork to your love life is bound to be more
effective than a rant or a tirade. The best
solution I've seen is to set aside twenty minutes
on a good day or night every few months to
clarify:
What are some of the subtle or obvious clues
that your partner is comfortable giving you which
would let you know ahead of time that he or she is
sufficiently interested and will probably say
yes?
What are clues that your partner is willing to
give you that he or she is a definite no for today
or tonight?
What are the clues your partner tends to give
you that he or she is possibly interested, if you
coax gently or warm him or her up?
Admitting to each other in a relaxed and
nonjudgmental conversation how to read each other's
clues is essential if you want to break out of the
rut of "I always initiate and you don't" that
happens in many relationships.
"I Don't Like to Come Out and Say, 'I'm in the
Mood!'"
One of the couples I counseled recently are
Brenda and Stephen, who have been together for
almost ten years. They've watched their sex life
change from hot and sweaty before they had children
to "he's still asking but she's almost never saying
yes" for the past two years.
When Brenda and Stephen took a romantic walk
along a hillside trail near their home and admitted
to each other what clues they each tend to send out
that tonight might be yes, no, or maybe, they were
each amazed at how often they hadn't known what to
look for from their long-time partner.
Stephen was surprised to find out that Brenda
often put her hand softly and lovingly on top of
his hand at dinner on nights when she was feeling a
little bit affectionate and was hoping he'd coax
her with a first move and a gradually accelerating
intimacy. Stephen commented, "I was so surprised to
hear that this was one of Brenda's major clues that
she might be feeling amorous. I always thought when
she put her hand on my hand it meant she wanted me
to stop talking or to lower my voice in the
restaurant."
Brenda explained, "I don't actually want Stephen
to have to be the initiator all the time. That's
not fair to him and I wouldn't want to be in his
shoes having to get turned down so many times. Yet
I'll be honest -- I don't envision a time when I'll
be the vocal, uninhibited partner who says, 'Hey
baby, let's get it on.' That's just not my style.
However, I will continue to send out signals and
now I'll even let Stephen know ahead of time which
signals mean yes, no, or maybe if you gently get me
warmed up."
As a therapist I have heard about similar
conversations where the partner who usually doesn't
initiate does in fact reveal in these
heart-to-heart talks the subtle clues that tonight
might be a good night for affection. Some women put
on a special piece of clothing or lingerie that
signals, "Try me tonight -- the stars and the moon
are in alignment." Other women and some men say
they tend to make especially strong eye contact or
they brush up gently against their partner once or
twice to signal, "I'm waiting for you to make a
move in response."
One woman said, "I don't like to come out and
say, 'I'm in the mood!' but it's not hard to read
my number one clue that I'm starting to feel a bit
amorous. I usually walk up to my partner when he's
doing something in the kitchen, the living room, or
the bathroom. I gently brush my breasts against his
back and wait to see if that gets his attention.
What I didn't realize is that my partner has been
told no so many times by me on the nights I'm not
in the mood that he didn't understand the breasts
against the back actually means it's safe again to
ask. If we hadn't had this twenty-minute
heart-to-heart conversation to clarify the clues, I
think I'd still be sending out my signal and he'd
still be assuming I'm not interested. Now he knows
that when he feels my softness brushing up against
his back or he sees me stroking his arm while he's
talking, it means the odds are in his favor and he
better make a move before the winds change
direction."
This question of who initiates and who doesn't
may seem inconsequential, but it's not. If year
after year there is one partner who gets rejected
often and isn't sure what might lead to a yes, then
there will eventually be some escalating emotional
distance and resentment in the relationship. On the
other hand, if you and your partner can give each
other a few clues that reveal when you would like
to be coaxed into lovemaking (and when you don't
want to be coaxed), you will prevent a lot of
disappointing moments and hurt feelings. All it
takes are a few playful conversations that clarify,
"Here's my way of expressing my sensuality without
having to blurt it out." Then enjoy the resulting
intimacy.
What About the Afterglow?
There's one final important choreography issue
that has helped hundreds of long-term couples feel
more loving, passionate, and satisfied with each
other year after year. For many couples, there is a
huge difference between a good relationship and a
great relationship, depending on how you each
handle the afterglow -- the quiet, vulnerable
moments of connection and bonding that happen (or
fail to happen) right after the two of you have
reached orgasm or completed your lovemaking.
With your current partner, does that tend to be
a moment when the two of you feel extremely close
and at peace with the world? Or does your
lovemaking frequently end with one of you drifting
quickly off to sleep, or one of you taking a phone
call, or one of you getting swept away by thoughts
about work, money, stressful topics, the kids,
sports scores, or domestic chores?
Instead of having one partner longing for
closeness while the other partner has gone on to
other things, are there alternatives that might
help each of you get what you need during the
afterglow? Here are a few ideas from my counseling
clients. Talk these over with your partner and see
which feel right for you and your particular style
of post-orgasmic connecting:
A heterosexual couple told me they like to
"spoon" after making love.
Another heterosexual couple said they usually
have only a few minutes after lovemaking until one
of them falls asleep, so they maximize these few
minutes by making sure they gently kiss each other
several times. Sometimes they talk briefly about
how grateful they are for the caring, the passion,
and the warmth of their lovemaking.
A lesbian couple told me they feel like the best
of teammates at these times.
A gay male couple told me they prefer silence
after lovemaking, and to drift back into the
everyday world slowly without words.
One heterosexual couple included a male partner
who simply couldn't stop himself from falling
asleep immediately after climaxing. His partner
said she often felt "lonely" and "abandoned" at
those moments. So her partner offered to give her
something the day after they'd made love, such as a
flower, piece of chocolate, romantic note of
gratitude, or warm morning kiss, to make sure she
knew that he truly did care about their intimate
moments.
Finally, another couple told me they have very
active young children who sometimes pound on the
locked bedroom door moments after the parents are
done making love. According to this couple, "At
that moment when we hear the insistent shrieks and
fists of our beloved younger child, we look at each
other and smile. We're like co-conspirators
enjoying the fact that we had some great sex
without getting caught. Then we put some clothes on
and quickly open the door to hug our insistent
child."
Sometimes it takes a bit of creativity and
innovation to come up with an afterglow style that
works for both partners in a particular situation.
Don't judge or attack your partner for needing to
sleep after lovemaking or for starting to think
about work, food, finances, or the kids. Simply
explore with your partner, "What can we do to
prolong the closeness and warmth just a few moments
more? Can we find a way to give each other
reminders of our affection and our appreciation for
one another before we move on to our
responsibilities?"
As a leaf falling into a pond sends out hundreds
of small ripples, so the smallest gestures of
caring right after lovemaking can send reminders of
your love into your hearts and strengthen your
closeness in the hours and days ahead. The beauty
of the afterglow of making love is that you can
look into each other's eyes for a moment and
realize how miraculous it is that you have found
someone to love and someone to share life with.
Even if you have very stressful lives, those few
moments together can become a peaceful sanctuary
that revives and renews the two of you.
©2008, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2023, Gordon Clay
|
