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August
When You Have a Higher Sex Drive Than Your
Partner
For some strange reason, almost every relationship
has moments when one partner has a much higher sex
drive than the other partner. Is it because God has
a sense of humor? Or because one of you takes only
a few seconds to warm up while the other partner
needs several hours of everything going perfectly
before the kindling starts to catch fire? Or
because one of you has been thinking about sex all
day while the other person thinks about sex almost
never?
As a couples counselor, I've been fascinated for
over 23 years watching well-dressed and
strongly-in-love couples enter my office and tell
me how much they argue or build up resentments
because one partner is hot to trot far more often
than the other partner. In most cases, the
high-sex-drive partner tries a few methods that
truly don't work. See if any of these sound like
you or someone you know:
Whining: For centuries most men and some
women have resorted to whining and complaining in
the hopes that it might cause the other partner to
warm up and want to roll around naked in bed. Some
high-sex-drive partners whine by saying things like
"But you promised" or "It's been so long" or "You
never seem to be in the mood" or "This is our only
chance now that the kids are finally asleep" Or
they whine by sulking, complaining, or getting
angry when the partner says "Not tonight. I'm much
too tired" As one of my therapy clients once told
me, "If only whining were a major turn-on, I'd be
getting a lot more sex than I do lately."
Citing Math Statistics: Other
high-sex-drive individuals think that pulling out
facts and numbers will turn on their partner. They
say things like, "For crying out loud, it's been
six days!" or "It's been two and a half weeks!" Or
they say emphatically, "The average couple has sex
2.5 times a week" (a made-up figure that has been
used by millions of high-sex-drive individuals but
has never once caused a lower-sex-drive person to
get naked or feel sensual). Based on what I've
discovered from counseling thousands of couples, I
have yet to see a lower-sex-drive partner look into
the eyes of the person citing these math facts and
say, "Oh, yes! Oh, yes! I get so turned on when you
give me numbers like that. Don't stop, lover! Don't
stop!"
Warning of Medical
Disasters: Finally, there is the ultimate
ploy that most men learned in high school or
college and that rarely if ever works. He says to
his partner, "I'm going to get blue balls if we
don't do it." Or as my college friend used to call
it, "I'm likely to get D.S.B., Dangerous Semen
Backup." Maybe one out of fifty partners will be
gullible enough to believe that there is such a
thing as Blue Balls or Dangerous Semen Backup. But
forty nine out of fifty will know that there is a
100% likelihood that the high-sex-drive person will
take matters into his own hands and the threat of
Blue Balls is pure bluff.
Exactly What Does Work? Now that we've
covered the whining, number-crunching, and medical
horror stories that don't work, what in fact does
work to help bring couples closer when one has a
high sex drive and the other doesn't? Here are a
few options that I've seen work wonderfully and
that are described in detail in my new book. To
save or improve your sex life, you might want to
experiment with one or more of these:
The No-Pressure Guarantee: Many
lower-sex-drive partners have a wall up because
they have experienced so much pressure, whining,
anger and verbal abuse from their higher-sex-drive
partner, or from various other demanding people
over the years. This is especially true for
good-looking women, who have been pressured and
pushed to have sex ever since she first developed a
figure at age 12 or 13 or 14. So the best place to
begin to repair the damage and start anew with your
partner is to sit down and promise the pressuring
is over (and to really mean it, dude). You can
write a note, send a card, have a face-to-face
conversation, or even get down on your knees and
say, "I'm sorry I've been a bit intense about this.
I realize now that pressuring you is not the way
you deserve to be treated. From now on, I promise
there will no more pressuring about sex because
unless both of us are in the mood it's not good for
our relationship if one of us pressures the
other."
The Enjoyable rainstorming Walk in
Nature: Many couples also achieve a
breakthrough in their sex lives when they set aside
an hour every few weeks or months and take a
relaxing walk in nature (along the water, in a
beautiful park, on an attractive tree-lined street,
or in some other favorite spot). When the two of
you are feeling relaxed and open, start the
brainstorming conversation by saying, "I would love
to learn more about what makes you feel cared for
and appreciated, versus what makes you feel
over-stressed or taken for granted. For just a few
minutes, would you be willing to teach me what are
the things I could do that would make you feel
loved and supported and good about our partnership.
I can't promise that I'll do a perfect job at
everything on the list, but I do want to learn what
makes you feel loved." In nine out of ten cases,
this type of non-defensive brainstorming
conversation opens up the possibility of renewed
trust and intimacy. When you listen to your partner
describe exactly what warms this unique individual
up, you will have some important clues about what
will bring back the closeness and passion that has
been drained from your relationship.
The "Teach Me Your Subtle Clues and What
HelpsYou get in the Mood" Conversation: In
addition, there is one more brainstorming
conversation that can cause breakthroughs even when
there has been a sexual-shut-down for weeks,
months, or years between the two of you. At a meal
or a walk or a relaxing time when you are together,
ask your partner, "I would love to learn what are
the subtle clues that you are in the mood or not in
the mood for being intimate, and what are the steps
that allow you to slowly get in the mood for making
love. For instance, what are the clues that maybe
you have been giving out every so often and that I
didn't pick up on that you were a little bit in the
mood and you would like me to gently make a pass
and see if it develops into something more? Or what
are the clues that you are truly not in the mood
and you don't want to have any pressure put on you?
Or what are the clues that you are a little bit
tired or not quite in the mood, but if you got some
support from me and if you let me do most of the
energetic fire-building at first you mightslowly
feel ready to make love?"; If you are a good,
non-defensive listener as you let your partner talk
about what causes sensuality or lack of sensuality
between the two of you, you will learn extremely
valuable clues about how to warm up your partner
and when to back off.
The "Show Me How You like to be Kissed and
Touched" Conversation: Rather than having
a fight during or after a failed love-making
session, it's much more effective to ask your
partner at the beginning of a love-making session
for a short tutorial. Simply ask, "I know that
we&'ve been together for a while and sometimes
I think I know how you like to be kissed or
touched, but maybe there is a way you like to be
kissed or touched that you haven't quite told me
yet. For just a few minutes would you be willing to
teach me what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy
when we're kissing and when we're warming each
other up." This short tutorial not only allows your
partner to be the respected teacher rather than the
pressured or pursued object of your desire. It also
will give you extremely valuable information about
what feels good and what doesn't feel good to this
unique and fascinating individual, whose sensuality
is slowly being revealed to you as the relationship
develops.
The Slow Down and Breathe Techniques:
Finally, there is something extremely important
about the speed and attitude with which you warm up
your partner that can revive or ruin your sex life.
If you are rushed, grabby, or too focused on orgasm
when you begin to kiss or warm up your partner,
there is very little chance that your
less-sexually-driven partner will feel safe or
sensual. On the other hand, if you remember to slow
down, breathe deeply in and out, and let your
partner know that you care as much about the
gradual intimate moments of connection as you do
about the orgasmic release, you will be amazed at
how much better your lovemaking becomes. Quite
often a partner who has felt pressured, rushed, and
judged in the sexual arena will open up to a new
sense of freedom and teamwork once you successfully
slow down and stop being so demanding or
goal-oriented during lovemaking.
But Is It Fair?
For most couples where one partner has a higher
sex drive than the other partner, the complicated
feelings and slower steps of the less-sexual
partner need to be taken very seriously in order to
revive the intimacy in the relationship. But if you
are the higher-sex-drive partner, you might be
feeling or thinking, "This isn't fair. Why does the
lower-sex-drive partner get to have more than 50%
of the control over when and how we do it?" While
that's a legitimate question, the truth is we're
not talking about fairness here, dude, we're
talking about what will get the kindling started on
those cold and lonely nights where there hasn't
been much heat lately. Letting the less-sexual
partner call the shots somewhat will help this
person open up and bring down the frustrating wall
that has been blocking any chance of intimacy for a
very long time. Good luck!
©2008, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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