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September
When Your Partner Has Trouble Reaching a Climax
One of the great mysteries of life is why some
people find it so easy to reach orgasm while others
find it so difficult. Several decades ago there
were psychoanalysts who arrogantly insisted that
the slow-to-climax partner was "frigid."
Thankfully, most therapists today know a lot more
about the diversity of human sexual response and
very few professionals today would ever use the
inaccurate and insulting word "frigid."
So what's the deal? Why is it that with one
partner you can engage in several minutes of oral
sex or intercourse which leads to an explosion and
heartfelt thanks, while with another partner you
can perform the exact same quantity and quality of
oral sex or intercourse and the response might be,
"Why are you slowing down? I'm barely getting
started here?"
As a couples counselor for the past 23 years,
I've found that a huge number of couples suffer a
lot of guilt, arguing, frustration, and emotional
distance as a result of the mysteries of the human
orgasm. In order to resolve these common dilemmas
or even prevent a break-up with your partner, a few
topics from my new book, need to be discussed ahead
of time. For example, on a nice day off when you
and your partner are taking a walk, or you are
having breakfast or dinner together, it might be a
good idea to bring out your sense of humor and talk
about "The Mystery of the Big O." It's a lot more
fun than watching golf or poker on television and
can generate some extremely important breakthroughs
in your sex life. Here are some questions you can
discuss with each other in an open and
non-defensive way:
-- What do you know already from your own
experience are the best ways to shut down or ruin
an almost-orgasm? This humorous and insightful
conversation topic can be a crack-up for both of
you. Is it the sound of your kids running down the
hall and pounding on the bedroom door that takes
your body from bliss to terror? Is it when your
partner mentions a certain upsetting topic or
difficult person that brings you crashing back to
reality? Is it when one of you says something
critical or gives some advice to the other person?
Is it when you feel rushed or pressured by an
impatient partner who seems to be saying or
implying, "What the heck is taking you so long?" Is
it when the physical sensations are happening too
fast or too slow? Is it when your partner seems to
be losing interest in your responses because he or
she is focused completely on his or her own orgasm?
Having an informative and helpful talk about what
interrupts intimacy and orgasms can be a terrific
starting place for the revival of your closeness as
a couple. Especially if you talk to one another as
caring teammates, rather than as competitors or
rivals, you will find this exploration of the
"Mysteries of the Big O" to be a wonderful chance
to get to know some of each other's most private
thoughts.
--What do you know from direct experience or
from your own readings on the subject that might be
the missing link for you between a difficult search
for the big O versus a beautiful journey to the
land of release? It's been stated by various
researchers that somewhere between 60-80% of women
either prefer or absolutely need oral stimulation
in order to have an orgasm. It has nothing to do
with being frigid and in fact it's quite normal for
a woman to find it much easier to reach orgasm from
oral sex than from even the most prolonged and
well-positioned intercourse. In fact, in most
surveys and in one-on-one counseling sessions, the
majority of women admit that they find a favorite
vibrator, a well-choreographed set of fingers, a
very-talented tongue, the flow of a bathtub faucet,
or some other well-traveled path to be much more
likely to lead to an orgasm than intercourse. Many
women are afraid or embarrassed to admit that they
are in the 60-80% of women who don't prefer
intercourse as their favorite route to orgasm. But
it's the truth and if you want to have a more
successful sex life you might as well start with
the truth. At the same time, there are many men who
find their best orgasms arrive as a result of
certain exciting extras that they might be shy or
unwilling to communicate to their partner. It might
be a specific finger-pressure on the sensitive area
behind the testicles. Or a secret spot at the
opening of the anus (but only if his partner is
comfortable and careful with this delicate
opening). Or it might be a certain way of stroking
the penis by hand or through oral sex. Or it might
be some other wonderful series of actions that take
him over the moon if only he would let his partner
know the secret.
--Please don't judge or criticize each other for
having extremely different methods or lengths of
time that you need in order to fully open up and
reach your best orgasms. If you were to interview a
few thousand individuals about exactly what they
enjoy and what they don't enjoy when they are
making love, you will be amazed at the diversity
and uniqueness of each individual. Not only that,
but you will find in most cases what feels great
one day for a person might not feel so great on a
different day for the same individual. That's why
you and your partner should be extremely patient
and compassionate with each other as you keep
discovering new insights into the complexity and
uniqueness of each other's sexual responses. It
doesn't matter if your current beloved is different
or more complicated than someone else you've been
with before. All that matters is that the two of
you find exquisite ways to deepen your love and
intimacy without judging, mistreating, or
disrespecting one another.
--Be willing to admit to each other what you
worry about regarding your orgasms. Some
individuals diminish their own enjoyment of sex
because they are afraid they are too loud or too
soft when they have an orgasm. Many fear that they
are taking too long or that they are not taking
long enough to reach orgasm. Others fear they are
not as dramatic or extensive in their orgasms as
what they've seen in porn films or heard from the
boasting of others. Still others worry about
whether they have an odor, a secretion, an unusual
spasm, or emit strange sounds when they are fully
engaged in having an orgasm. Each of these partners
will need reassurance from a caring and
non-judgmental partner who explains what a precious
gift it is to share all the diverse aspects of who
we are with someone who treasures us and respects
us fully.
--Design with your partner a choreography or a
turn-taking sequence that maximizes what you know
about yourself and the other person. For example,
if you know that you have a habit of ejaculating
too quickly if you are having intense intercourse,
you and your partner can design various ways to
stop when you start to get too close to the edge.
You and your partner will want to read up on the
squeeze technique, the Kegel muscle exercises, and
the Tantric breathing methods that are described in
various sex books on how to stop an ejaculation
that might be quicker than you'd prefer. Or you
might want to design a turn-taking sequence that
allows one partner to orgasm from oral sex first
and doesn't require the other partner to last as
long during intercourse. Or you might want to have
a humorous phrase you can say to your partner if
you are getting too close to an ejaculation and you
want support in lasting longer, something like
"Time to breathe or this might be over too
soon'' or "Whoa darlin' we gotta cool down this
engine or it's gonna explode." Instead of feeling
insecure or remaining silent about the complexities
of orgasm, this kind of teamwork and mutual caring
can deepen your sense of intimacy and
playfulness.
--Also be willing to have a conversation about
when it’s o.k. to not have an orgasm with
each other. Many couples find that the pressure to
have an orgasm each and every time becomes an
impediment to intimacy and spontaneity. What if you
consciously decided every so often to kiss, touch,
caress, and roll around together lovingly without
any orgasms being allowed. The delicious tension
build-up and the wonderful physical sensations will
surprise you! Or what if you made a shared decision
to interrupt your oral explorations or even to
interrupt intercourse in order to slow down and
breathe in deeply the turned-on feelings that would
otherwise be dispersed by an orgasm. Like Faith
Hill says in her song, "Just breathe!" Instead of
rushing to orgasm, you can deepen your intimacy by
looking into each other's eyes or holding each
other tenderly while the heat and the excitement is
still pulsing through your body.
--Be honest with each other about when one of
you feels like working hard toward an orgasm while
the other partner feels like taking it easy.
Especially on nights or mornings when one of you is
feeling very energetic and the other partner is
tired or stressed, you can take turns being the one
who does the heavy lifting and the one who takes a
more passive or relaxed role.
For many couples who grew up thinking "We must
have simultaneous and equally intense orgasms or
else," this ability to respect the different levels
of energy you both are feeling on any given day or
night will be a nice change of pace. The partner
who wants to exert a lot of energy can volunteer to
be "the hard worker tonight," or to masturbate solo
with the other person nearby or snuggling closely.
This allows the less-energized partner to enjoy
your excitement vicariously "while I just relax
here and do a lot less exertion." Clearly, there
needs to be some balance where every few days or
weeks you switch roles - the hard working partner
gets to relax and be passive, while the often-tired
partner gets to show some passion and exertion
every so often as well.
--Treat each orgasm not as an obligation, but
rather as one of many wonderful moments on the
journey of connecting as lovers. When two partners
start to enjoy every delicious moment of rolling
around together or exploring each other's
highly-sensitive bodies, the quest for orgasm
becomes less of a burden. For most couples who
become less orgasm-obsessed, a new and much deeper
level of intimacy emerges. I have learned from
couples in my office who described to me,
"There's such a beautiful sense of trust and
closeness that occurs when we simply enjoy each
other" aliveness and we don't pressure ourselves or
the other person to have the ultimate orgasm each
and every time." Others have described it as "A
chance to enjoy the entire process of lovemaking
and if the orgasms happen, that's even more of a
treat."
©2008, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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