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October
Just One Clumsy Comment
One of the fascinating things about sexuality is
that it's so fragile and unpredictable. You can be
having a wonderful day or night with your partner,
be ready for a wild time in bed together, and then
suddenly one clumsy comment sends you back to
"Start" with little chance of passing "Go" or
collecting the riches.
To prevent your next sexual encounter from
turning into a disaster, it helps to know who you
are and what you sometimes say that is a joy-killer
for your partner. For instance, do any of the
following sound familiar:
- You like to be honest, but sometimes your
honesty sounds a bit critical and as a result
your partner feels like putting up a wall
between you (which causes your sex life to
suffer).
- You spent years learning how to be assertive
and ask for what you want, but sometimes during
lovemaking your requests sound a little bit
harsh or insensitive, which causes your partner
to shut down or say, "What am I, chopped
liver?"
- You tend to want to get things done and be
efficient, so sometimes you bring up household
issues or logistical details right at the moment
when your partner is starting to feel relaxed,
intimate, and free of the burdens of the day.
Timing, dude, timing!
- You try to be kind and caring, but sometimes
(instead of saying something gently right at the
moment when you have a legitimate concern about
something) you stuff your concerns inside for so
long that they burst out in an explosion right
at the wrong moments.
- You have a strong desire or a hormonal motor
running inside you that wants things to happen
during lovemaking more quickly than your partner
does. So instead of waiting or letting your
partner guide the pace, you jump in with an
impatient or demanding comment such as, "C'mon
already. How long does it take to fix your
hair." That one clumsy comment can ruin the
sensual connection for hours, days, or even
weeks.
- You want your partner to look great and you
sometimes make the mistake of being too much of
a critic or a judge of your partner's clothes,
body, or physical insecurities. Unfortunately,
just one clumsy comment that causes your partner
to sense that you are disapproving or
disappointed physically can cause weeks, months,
or years of sexual frustration because your
partner doesn't want to let go and open up in
your presence if you might be a critical or
judgmental person about looks.
Please note: I am not urging you to walk on egg
shells or be phony in your encounters with your
loved one. But I am strongly urging you to take
stock and notice if there are a few things you tend
to do or say that almost always ruins the intimate
moments or delays the sense of one-ness with your
partner. If you stop and think for a few moments,
you probably know what you've done in the past
(probably unintentionally) that has put a dent in
your sexuality. You can try to blame your partner
for "being too sensitive" or "saying something
clumsy first." But in fact the only person you can
change is you and this a wonderful place to make
some changes.
If you can identify and prevent the few clumsy
comments that have been causing tension, fights, or
a sexual shut-down with someone who loves you, that
could be the most important thing you do to revive
or strengthen your sexual connection.
Then the next time you are starting to heat
things up sensually with your beloved partner and a
critical remark or an impatient comment starts to
enter your mind, you can quickly catch yourself and
say, "Don't go there. This is not a good time to be
a jerk."
You might be amazed at how much your
relationship will improve if you simply eliminate a
few clumsy remarks that have been causing trouble
for a long time.
Good luck!
©2010, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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