Wake Up or
Break Up

Just One Clumsy Comment

One of the fascinating things about sexuality is that it's so fragile and unpredictable. You can be having a wonderful day or night with your partner, be ready for a wild time in bed together, and then suddenly one clumsy comment sends you back to "Start" with little chance of passing "Go" or collecting the riches.

To prevent your next sexual encounter from turning into a disaster, it helps to know who you are and what you sometimes say that is a joy-killer for your partner. For instance, do any of the following sound familiar:

  • You like to be honest, but sometimes your honesty sounds a bit critical and as a result your partner feels like putting up a wall between you (which causes your sex life to suffer).
  • You spent years learning how to be assertive and ask for what you want, but sometimes during lovemaking your requests sound a little bit harsh or insensitive, which causes your partner to shut down or say, "What am I, chopped liver?"
  • You tend to want to get things done and be efficient, so sometimes you bring up household issues or logistical details right at the moment when your partner is starting to feel relaxed, intimate, and free of the burdens of the day. Timing, dude, timing!
  • You try to be kind and caring, but sometimes (instead of saying something gently right at the moment when you have a legitimate concern about something) you stuff your concerns inside for so long that they burst out in an explosion right at the wrong moments.
  • You have a strong desire or a hormonal motor running inside you that wants things to happen during lovemaking more quickly than your partner does. So instead of waiting or letting your partner guide the pace, you jump in with an impatient or demanding comment such as, "C'mon already. How long does it take to fix your hair." That one clumsy comment can ruin the sensual connection for hours, days, or even weeks.
  • You want your partner to look great and you sometimes make the mistake of being too much of a critic or a judge of your partner's clothes, body, or physical insecurities. Unfortunately, just one clumsy comment that causes your partner to sense that you are disapproving or disappointed physically can cause weeks, months, or years of sexual frustration because your partner doesn't want to let go and open up in your presence if you might be a critical or judgmental person about looks.

Please note: I am not urging you to walk on egg shells or be phony in your encounters with your loved one. But I am strongly urging you to take stock and notice if there are a few things you tend to do or say that almost always ruins the intimate moments or delays the sense of one-ness with your partner. If you stop and think for a few moments, you probably know what you've done in the past (probably unintentionally) that has put a dent in your sexuality. You can try to blame your partner for "being too sensitive" or "saying something clumsy first." But in fact the only person you can change is you and this a wonderful place to make some changes.

If you can identify and prevent the few clumsy comments that have been causing tension, fights, or a sexual shut-down with someone who loves you, that could be the most important thing you do to revive or strengthen your sexual connection.

Then the next time you are starting to heat things up sensually with your beloved partner and a critical remark or an impatient comment starts to enter your mind, you can quickly catch yourself and say, "Don't go there. This is not a good time to be a jerk."

You might be amazed at how much your relationship will improve if you simply eliminate a few clumsy remarks that have been causing trouble for a long time.

Good luck!

©2010, Leonard Felder

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Leonard Felder is a licensed psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer and recognized expert on how to improve personal relationships, his books have sold more than 1 million copies. His latest book is Wake Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to Strengthening Your Relationship He has appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have been together since 1980, and they hare the parents of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail or www.wakeuporbreakup.com

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