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November
Are You "Mr. Ever-Ready?"
Growing up as a man, I thought it was important to
be "Mr. Ever-ready." If someone wanted to have sex
and this person seemed interesting or attractive,
"Mr. Ever-ready" was supposed to say yes. Or so I
thought.
But there's a cost to trying to turn oneself
into "Mr. Ever-ready." For example:
- Have you ever found yourself in bed with
someone you didn't really like?
- Have you ever hurt someone you love because
you were flirting or getting sensual with
someone else?
- Have you ever created problems in a good
relationship because your eyes kept following
the eye candy walking by or your sexuality got
distracted by someone who was not really a
candidate for a real relationship?
- Have you ever felt unable to say to your
partner, "Not tonight," because you thought it
was unmanly to admit you're tired or stressed,
or that you need to resolve some
miscommunications first before you're willing to
get fully vulnerable again with this
person?
- Have you ever pretended to be in the mood
and then had a frustrating or lousy encounter
with your partner? But if you had admitted you
weren't in the mood for sex right now, the two
of you might have had a wonderful time doing
something else together?
There are dozens of excuses men tell themselves
as to why they act like "Mr. Ever-ready." In the
new movie "In Her Shoes" with Cameron Diaz and Toni
Collette, there's a fascinating scene that reveals
the dangers of being "Mr. Ever-ready" at the wrong
moment.
Here's what happens: The character played by
Toni Collette is a wise and caring lawyer who is
starting to fall in love with a man from her law
firm. She has a misunderstanding with him, however,
and he feels horrible because he really likes her
and wants to pursue the relationship with her.
So the guy shows up at Toni Collette's apartment
with flowers to win her back. But Toni Collette
isn't home and her younger sister, played by
Cameron Diaz, shows up at the door with a shirt
barely covering her pink undies and her naked legs.
Several minutes later Toni Collette walks in to
find the guy in bed with her sister.
She never forgives him, even though he insists,
"I am truly sorry. When I was in high school I was
chubby and I still have trouble believing today
that a great-looking woman wants me." To which Toni
Collette comments, "I don't care how fat you were
in high school...I could never trust you
again."
Now here's the question for each man to answer
about whether you are being run by your "Mr.
Ever-ready" Self or by your inner wisdom:
If you were very attracted to a terrific person
with whom you were building a quality relationship,
and then suddenly an extremely stunning sibling or
friend showed up half-naked and tried to seduce
you, would you be able to say no? Would you be able
to put a budding relationship (and a person you
care about) ahead of an easy wild encounter with an
extremely hot diversion?
In addition, would you be able to say to your
partner in a long-term relationship, "I want to
make sure that if you're not in the mood to make
love, we'll respect that. Or if I'm ever tired,
stressed, or unresolved about some issue between
us, I promise to be honest with you and not to
pretend I'm always Mr. Ever-ready when I'm
not."
Do you want your relationship to be about trust
and honesty, or about gamesmanship and pretense?
These are the questions that most men never talk
about with their dads, their best friends, or even
themselves. They are the questions that can make or
break your personal life.
©2010, Leonard
Felder
* * *
Leonard
Felder is a licensed psychologist in private
practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer
and recognized expert on how to improve personal
relationships, his books have sold more than 1
million copies. His latest book is Wake
Up or Break Up: The 8 Crucial Steps to
Strengthening Your
Relationship He has
appeared on more than 200 teleivsion and radio
programs, including Oprah, The Today Show, The
Early Show, CNN, AM Canada, NPR, and
ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have
been together since 1980, and they hare the parents
of a 12-year-old son, Steven. E-Mail
or www.wakeuporbreakup.com
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