The Guide to
Getting It On


Watching Porn

The last time I watched a porn film was--it must have been last year sometime. Given how I write a column on sex and am always being asked to recommend good porn films, you'd think I'd be watching at least one a week. But let's face it, it's a little difficult to sit down and pop a porn tape in the video when the kids are watching Barney and the neighbors are always dropping by. I mean, what do you say, "Everybody out! Daddy's got to watch a porn tape." It doesn't work that way, especially when after five minutes I'm wishing I was outside doing something fun with everyone else. Cleaning out the duck house would be more satisfying than watching most porn films, because at least you can feel good about having been able to hold your breath for that long without passing out, and it's really nice in there when you finish with the fresh cedar chips on the floor and no ducks.

Also, there's something I should warn you about. I was speaking last week to the book buyer at Good Vibrations and I mentioned that I'd been sent a big glossy photo book titled "Love, Lust, Desire--Masterpieces of Erotic Photography for Couples." I had hoped it was going to be something I could recommend to you, but I found it to be a total yawner. She said that people who work for Good Vibrations might agree with me, but that she would absolutely sell the panties off of this book because most couples are afraid of erotic photos that are very explicit. So be forewarned that my judgement on what's hot might be a little different from yours. Chances are, people probably don't spill out their most intimate sexual questions to you day in and day out, so what barely even gets my attention might cause your jaw to seriously drop.

I have a couple of rules when watching adult tapes: the sound has to be off and I need to have my finger firmly planted on the fast-forward button. Even with AVN-award winning adult tapes, I often fast-forward during the sex scenes as well as during the other parts where you usually fast forward. I don't know what it is, but there's an arousal quality that's missing for me in most porn movies. It doesn't matter if you're getting a close-up camera shot of things that should be illegal in most states, a lot of it doesn't work for me. And please, don't tell me about the new female-oriented porn films done by women's porn production companies. Talk about lap-numbing, yawn fests...

That said, I was pretty surprised by "Dark Angels" from New Sensations. There was a certain quality to this adult film where the women looked like they were just as much into it as the guys. And more than half of the women in this tape had normal-sized, unenhanced, not-a-bit-of-plastic-surgery-here chests. I didn't fast-forward through a single sex scene, which is an adult-film first for me. During the initial sex scene I was wondering why these people were doing the nasty with their sunglasses on, but at the end of the scene the main babe turned toward the camera and exposed her vampire fangs, and it sort of made sense. Mind you, I could have done without the dripping blood after she bites the guy on the neck, and I couldn't understand why she'd bite him on the neck anyway. This guy was sporting some seriously large wood and I'm pretty sure all of the blood in his body must have been pooling between his legs just to keep it up. I don't see how any was left anywhere else.

There's also a scene near the end of the tape where there's a lot of neck biting and then some pretty satisfying oral engagements afterward, but with the way they tried to get all artsy with the smeared blood on the thighs and faces it triggered one of those "Ooops-she's-started-her-period-early"flashbacks that you may have had at some point during your oral lovemaking history.

Another thing I have to say about this tape concerns the screen names of the actors. In my most tequila-inspired moments, I don't think I could ever come up with the name "Jewel De Nyle." And what would adult movies be without male leads like "Erik Everhard" and "Evan Stone?"

Even with the sunglasses and occasional fake-blood motif, I still give "Dark Angels" a rating of 4 out of 5 WET SPOTS, with my average rating for adult films being zero-nada-no WET SPOTS at all. I'd watch it again, which is something I don't even say about most mainstream movies. I think you can get "Dark Angels" from, or try out your own favorite source.

©2007 by Paul Joannides

Related Issues: Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, Relationship, Sexuality
Relationship, Sexuality

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In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact. - Marlene Dietrich

Paul Joannides is the author of the Guide To Getting It On!--the Universe's Coolest and Most Informative Book On Sex. You can contact him at by clicking on the cover of the Guide that appears on his web site. All columns are the property of Paul Joannides and Goofy Foot Press

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