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May
Chapter 4. Beginning the Journey - Pregnancy
“What a father says to his children
is not heard by the world, but it will be heard for
posterity.” - Richter
For many men this time of becoming a father can
lead to thoughts and feelings from a whole range of
possibilities. They may include everything from
excitement, to ambivalence, to panic. Important
questions will also arise. What am I supposed to be
doing? How will the baby affect my relationship
with my partner? What about me? How can I get
support for myself through all this?
Some men can find it difficult to ask for what
they want or need. It can be easier, or more
comfortable, to jump into the providing role and
taking care of the needs of your partner. But you
have your own legitimate needs. Meeting them will
help you support your partner and your baby. First
is getting in touch with what you need, then comes
asking for it. If you are willing to invest some
time in this the dividends will be great.
Following is an exercise that will help you
identify your needs. Remember this is about what
you need and want, not your partner or baby. Find
somewhere comfortable where you can have a quiet
moment. I invite you to write the answers to the
following questions or close your eyes and
contemplate them.
As a father what are you experiencing
during this time? What kind of support do you need
right now. What information or experience would
help you to be more relaxed and present in your
role? Do you need a confidant or mentor? How can
you get support for yourself? What will allow you
to engage more fully at this time and in the best
way possible, for you? Relax, imagine and if you
like, write about what it is that you need and want
to support you as a father.
Sex Intimacy Relationships
These three topics are so closely connected that
they can seem as one. Almost any discussion about
one will encompass aspects of another. These can
also be among life’s most exciting and
fulfilling yet challenging issues. This period will
certainly bring them into focus and present you
with new opportunities for your personal
development.
Sex
Sex is where this whole process started and it
will be a central theme right the way through.
Conception, giving birth and breastfeeding are all
sexual experiences; they involve a woman’s
sexual anatomy. There are many dimensions of this
to explore which could transform your experience of
fatherhood.
A pregnant woman’s body is a hormone
factory, as well as a baby incubator. Her body
produces biological cocktails which do wondrous
things to support her and the baby’s
developing needs. One by-product is a shift to new
and different priorities for her. Some of this is
conscious; however, much of it is instinctual. Her
attention has altered significantly from that of
being a woman to include becoming a mother. Each
woman will be individual in her experience and
response.
This time can bring with it a new phase in a
couple’s sexual relationship. Some women will
have an increase in their libido, others a
reduction. If her sex drive is reduced it is
important not to take this personally. It is not a
statement about you or the importance of your
relationship. Most importantly, it will change.
During this time her physical, emotional and
spiritual energy is focused on her baby. This may
be more pronounced near the end of the pregnancy
and for a time after the birth, particularly if she
is breastfeeding. It is best for the two of you to
speak about it regularly.
There are diverse cultural and spiritual beliefs
and practices regarding this and it will vary as to
how couples are with their sexual intimacy during
this time. Some women feel inclined to abstain from
sexual intercourse while pregnant. This may be an
instinctual response for some. Certain spiritual
practices recommend abstinence during the pregnancy
as they feel the baby needs this space to be
private and preserved for him alone. There are also
cultures where the father is totally excluded from
sexual contact during pregnancy and right the way
through breastfeeding, for months or even years.
What is most important is what works best for each
couple. Also making love has many forms,
penetration is just one of them, and this is
generally safe throughout the pregnancy. Be gentle
and allow your partner to guide you in what works
best for her physical and emotional comfort. Speak
about it.
If your sexual desire is higher than hers at
this time acknowledge it, however, be conscious as
to how you resolve it. Infidelity can appear to be
a solution but rarely is a satisfying one in
reality. It can also have long lasting consequences
on your relationship and family. Also be aware of
infidelities of the mind, which may not actually
manifest physically. It is possible to redirect
your sexual energy into another form of intimacy
which you can all benefit from. If you find
yourself straying, mentally or otherwise, work with
your thoughts and find new ways to become closer to
your partner and to express your love. Try a
cuddle.
Just about every part of a woman’s body can
change during pregnancy. Some men are fine with
this and others may be reticent about it. If you
are in the second category, you may want to see if
you can adjust your perception to one of
acceptance. It is good to be honest with yourself;
and use care if you speak with her about it. A
woman’s body image can be very sensitive
during pregnancy and after the birth for a
time.
Perhaps now may also be a good time to examine
your personal views on women’s bodies in
general. The stereotypical ‘body
beautiful’ standard that our culture
exemplifies for women may deserve an adjustment. We
have become prisoners to this image through
advertising, film and other forms of commercial
media. I think pregnant bodies are stunningly
beautiful and a miracle of nature.
Using affirmations may support you.
“Change is safe” ,“I love my partner
as she is”, “I am satisfied with my
life”.
Intimacy
Intimacy typically involves a close and loving
connection between two people. Intimacy can be
expressed and experienced in various ways; sex is
only one of them. This time has the possibility to
bring you and your partner closer together and
provide you with a focal point for your love.
Having a baby can be the most intimate and creative
process two humans will ever know. Patience and the
willingness to open your heart and trust the
process will enhance your experience
considerably.
A very important detail for men to know is that
a woman’s desire for intimacy, touching and
holding is often increased during this time. Make
an effort to tell her how special she is and how
much she means to you. Express how much you
appreciate who she is, as well as what she is doing
through nurturing your child. What follows is one
possibility.
Come together with your partner. Be sure
you have the time and space to be alone and
undisturbed. Make yourselves comfortable and sit
facing each other. Gently, lovingly gaze into each
others eyes. You may also want to lightly hold
hands. Notice your breathing, perhaps even breath
together; within the same cycle of in-breath and
out-breath. Take the opportunity to ‘fall in
love’ all over again. Notice this amazing and
extraordinary person before you. Recall each
other’s qualities and attributes that attract
you. Look deeply into each other’s eyes and
notice who is there, really there. You may also
want to lie down and hold each other while eye
gazing. You could do this regularly throughout the
pregnancy. Working your way up to 20 minutes or
more at a time would be great. A similar approach
during labor can also be mutually supportive.
Remember she is your life partner, friend and
lover. It is important to treat her as a woman, but
not always as a pregnant woman. Of course connect
with her belly, touch it, kiss it, and speak to
your baby inside but individually acknowledge her.
Pregnancy is a facet that has expanded who she is
as a woman, but not the sum total of her parts.
She, usually, does not want too much of her
identity attached to her growing belly or the baby
inside. An error many people make when
communicating with a pregnant woman is that they
relate to her belly first and foremost. The same
principle applies once your baby is born. Mother
and child are individuals. Acknowledge and
recognize each of them, individually.
To me, love is an action verb. It is not just an
emotional concept. It is an expression AND
demonstration of how we feel (as opposed to just a
feeling) and as such involves a type of doing. How
many ways can you find to express your love to your
family?
Some sample affirmations are: “I
love my partner”, “I welcome the changes
that are happening”, “I love being part
of their intimacy and supporting it”, “I
am always included”. Listen in and be gentle
with yourself. What are your underlying thoughts
and what new ones will better support
everyone?
Relationships
Research, in the fields of science and
psychology, has found that babies in the womb are
aware of the experience they are having. They are
also making complex decisions about these events.
According to Dr. Yehudi Gordon, a UK pioneer of
active and integrated birth healthcare,
“During this period, your baby will learn more
than in any other decade of her life. In the womb
she hears noises and senses
emotions.”6
For each of us our time in the womb and early
infancy was the beginning of our experience of
intimacy and relationships. This is our original
point of reference for relationships. We were in
the center of our mother’s world and we were
experiencing life with and through her, physically
and emotionally. Depending on how that was for you
and your mother it could provide you with a
fantastic model for your own relationships. If it
had ‘negative’ elements it could also
influence your own ability to form, keep or trust
relationships. You may be compelled to leave or
abandon relationships if that experience was dire
in some ways. Decisions made regarding
relationships, even ones from your preverbal time
in the womb, can have an impact and be long
lasting. And you can change them.
You may want to reflect on your own experience
of relationships to see if you can identify any
patterns you want to explore further. Memories of
your time in the womb may seem inaccessible.
However, you have access to your experience during
that time through noticing how relationships have
worked out for you, throughout your life. If there
have been repeated patterns in your personal
relationship history this may be a clue regarding
earlier events and decisions you may have made.
There are also numerous therapeutic approaches you
could use for exploring and healing this.
A mother-to-be is growing a baby, inside of her
body. Once she becomes pregnant there is an inner
directed, non-stop process underway. As men we will
never know just what being pregnant is like for a
woman. However, what we can do is gather
information and prepare ourselves, as best we can,
so we can make the greatest possible contribution
to our family. Welcome this opportunity to build on
your relationship. Giving her regular massage is
usually welcomed. This can be head, neck,
shoulders, feet or whole body. Many women also
place a high value on men doing things like
projects around the house, things that will help
prepare the home for the baby. This has actually
been known to be a turn-on for some women.
You may think a father’s physical
experience came and went some time ago. Well not
entirely. There are men who experience pregnancy
symptoms of their own. Some fathers have hormonal
changes and resulting emotional shifts. There are
also those who have food sensitivities and cravings
as well as lower back pain and weight gain. This is
well documented and actually common. It is called
the couvade. I suspect it is the result of the
depth of connection between the parents and between
a father and his child. There are also cultures
where the father goes off to ‘give birth’
while the mother is in labor.
Reducing Stress
Life today can be full to overflowing with fast
paced activities and demands on your time. In
addition, your lack of familiarity with pregnancy,
birth and fathering may evoke uncertainties, which
can engender various fears. Stress can be the
result. This is normal and there are a variety of
ways you can assure your own wellbeing and that of
your family.
Interestingly, the original use of the word
stress was in relation to structural engineering.
It denotes how much pressure or strain a piece of
building material or a structure can withstand,
before collapse. It is little wonder society uses
the same word to apply to a human condition.
Stress can be compounded by how you think about
a situation or activity rather than just the actual
thing itself. Perhaps, with the proper guidance and
practice, you can avert some of the stress in the
first instance.
Fear
Fear can come from thoughts about possible
‘bad’ outcomes of future events. Think
about life: fear about money (I will not have
enough), fear about safety (possible injury,
birth), fear about time (there will not be enough),
and fear about fathering (I will not be good
enough). Without diminishing the importance of any
of these concerns, it is valuable to notice they
are all fears regarding the future. They are not
‘real’, in present time. We can have
trepidation about what might happen. A very large
percentage of what we tend to be concerned about
never actually comes to pass. It is also these
types of mental distractions that are likely to
generate stress.
Fearful thoughts can also deprive us of
experiencing the joy and satisfaction in whatever
we are doing at any moment. In this way, we devalue
our current activity. We miss part of the value by
becoming distracted with the thoughts. It is
important to remember that you have a choice about
what you are thinking. Choose your thoughts with
care. Remember to use the numerous tools and
techniques presented throughout this book to
support you in making helpful choices.
We often make decisions and hold beliefs from
the past that we are not consciously aware of. If
these were ‘negative’ in their impact on
us, and left unresolved, they can add significant
stress to our lives. There can be a contradiction
between what we believe, reinforced by past
experiences, and what we want now. This is
especially true during important events or
activities like relationships, birth and
fathering.
My F2B colleague Elmer Postle wrote:
As we approach the subject of birth,
we may notice feelings and bodily sensations
arise. I was recently driving with a work
colleague and our discussion landed on what we
thought about birth. He said that every time he
got into a conversation about birth he would
notice his throat tightening, breathing speeding
up and becoming flushed. It seemed our chatting
in the car was touching the same sensations for
him. I suggested it might be a memory from his
own birth. He looked surprised though
immediately said: “I was born by caesarean,
they said I was too big to fit down the birth
canal, I was a 'fat bastard’''.
This was clear information to me about the
nature of his birth. It was also accompanied by
a sense of shame and wrongness and linked with
how others held him responsible for the manner
of his delivery. The symptoms he described
suggested the issue was unresolved for him. In a
few seconds the pace of our interaction was
showing signs of speeding up considerably. I
felt both blessed he had told me this about
himself and concerned about properly dealing
with the feelings that were arising. I told him
that the feelings and sensations he reported
were ‘of interest to me and were
significant’. The sense of emergency and
the pace in our conversation then slowed down
and we were able to pleasurably re-enter
everyday conversation and finish our day’s
work.
I later asked myself: What unresolved
story is he carrying towards becoming a father
and the birth of any children he might
ultimately have? What could truly be helpful? My
simply saying, “yes, those could be
relevant and accurate responses to something
that happened at your birth”, allowed
another gentler option to be considered.
Begin to notice when your body and mind are
giving you signals. Repetitive, fearful thoughts
can compound each other and their effect on you. If
you notice yourself clenching your fists, having a
knot in your belly, fidgeting or your heart rate
increasing then pause and take a few deep breaths.
The ‘activation’ of these responses may
be a result of experiences from your past. Current
events can resurrect past traumas. Notice what the
actual truth about a situation is. Is there a
genuine reason to be afraid? Is there a real threat
of some kind? If not, aim to restructure your view
of an event or situation. Affirmations could be
useful.
“I am safe”, “My partner
is safe”,
“My baby is safe”.
Time
Time is a key area people tend to stress over.
Managing time can be a challenge when becoming a
father. You may have many tasks and people wanting
to have your attention, in addition to the
requirements of your new role.
Two significant factors regarding time are how
we think about it and how we priorities our use of
it. Time has an illusionary quality to it. We each
have twenty-four hours in a day to accomplish our
lives, and we do. However, if we are not careful,
we can fall into the trap of thinking that there is
not enough time. How we think about it is important
to our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.
Remind yourself regularly that you always have
enough time to do what needs to get finished
now.
There is a modern day concept called
‘multi-tasking’. Perhaps this is a
misnomer. Can we actually do more than one thing at
a time? My computer can do several things at one
time, if I tell it to, but I make the requests
individually and sequentially. The very nature of
this multi-tasking concept is perhaps indicative of
modern society and how we view our relationship to
time. We think that we need to do multiple things
at the same time in order to accomplish what is
required of us. Slow down; be with what you are
doing now. Allow yourself to enjoy the task at
hand.
At this point in your life prioritizing your use
of time will become more important than ever. You
will want to thoughtfully balance your work
commitments with your new family ones. Speak with
your partner about this and together do your best
to get the balance that works for your family.
It is important to take the opportunity to
engage with your new baby, while in the womb, and
allow bonding to begin. You could get very close to
your partner’s belly and speak to your child.
You might even speak so quietly that only your
child can hear…it will be your little secret
together. Acknowledge the relationship that already
exists between you. This early period is precious
and endearing. Take time off work if possible, a
day or afternoon here and there, to be with your
partner and your child. Take walks, hold each other
and take time to connect. Speak about your new
family and life together. Include your baby in
these conversations.
Being Present
Another way we can become stressed is by doing
one activity while thinking we should be doing
something different. Being with your partner, while
you are thinking that you should be working (or
vice versa) will diminish the quality of your
experience of both. If you are fully engaged in an
activity it can be referred to as ‘being
present’. This is having your mind, body and
emotions all engaged in the same activity.
We have all watched a sunset, danced a dance or
been with our lover and had no other thoughts or
concerns during that period; there was a timeless
quality. These are typically the type of events
during which we are fully present. You may notice
there is no stress involved in such activities. You
can expand your capacity for being present. Being
with your partner in this way, truly present, is
what each of you deserves.
Working with the following affirmations
can be helpful. “I always have enough
time”, “I am enough, I do enough, I have
enough”, “I am always in the right place,
at the right time, doing the right
thing”.
Breathing
Utilizing the breath can be a very useful for
releasing and managing stress. The breath has the
ability, when used with awareness, to positively
influence your physical, mental and emotional
wellbeing.
Physiologically, breathing is automatic; you do
not have to think about it. This is similar to your
heart beating; however breathing is also under your
conscious control. In stressful situations you can
alter your breathing to help you manage the energy
in your body and still your mind and emotions. At
peak times, for example during birth, if you notice
you are breathing hard or fast you can consciously
slow down your breath and you will begin to relax.
Likewise, if you notice you are holding your
breath, you can begin breathing, gently. Your mind
and body will favorably respond by becoming more
calm.
During a quiet time, observe your breath
coming and going; give it a color or visual
representation that works for you. Perhaps see your
breath as a wheel, circular, so that the in-breath
and the out-breath are continuous, flowing around
or through your body. You can make use of your
breath at any time and during any activity. Notice
that by becoming aware of your breathing and
creating a rhythm and pace with it you tend to be
more peaceful.
There are also therapeutic uses for the breath
which can be immensely valuable. Therapeutic
Breathwork is guided by a practitioner/counselor.
Various methods use conscious, intentional
breathing to explore and release unconsciously held
beliefs and emotional attachments to past
experiences.7
Meditation
Meditation can be utilized by anyone in very
simple forms. It could provide you with valuable
support at this time. Find relaxing surroundings, a
quiet place where you can be alone. Simply sit or
lie down, make yourself comfortable and close your
eyes. You could visualize a place where you feel
relaxed if you like. This may be in a garden or by
water. You might imagine a make-believe place or
one you know. Allow yourself to go into deep
relaxation. This may or may not come right away for
you. With patience, the sensation will grow. Allow
your thoughts to slow down and become fewer. During
meditation it can also be useful to watch your
breath and regulate it to enhance your
experience.
Another option with meditation is to choose a
word (known as a mantra) to help you to focus your
attention. Find a word that represents something
peaceful to you. Repeatedly and gently call the
word to mind as you relax. This will help to draw
your attention away from thoughts about the
activities of life. Focusing a part of your mind on
a mundane task, like repeating a word, allows the
space for the rest of the mind to relax. Meditation
will contribute significantly to your
wellbeing.
It can also be mutually supportive to meditate
with your partner. Sit quietly together, in
silence. This is also a great time to get in touch
with your baby. He is very receptive to contact
with you.
You can practice for a few minutes here
and there or, even better, 20 minutes twice a day.
Relaxing music may be helpful or you may prefer
silence. Choose what works for you. Any amount of
practice is beneficial.
Father’s Circle
The Father’s Circle is another technique
for creating calm. It will be particularly useful
during the birth. Sit quietly with eyes closed and
recall a time when you were at peace (imagine one
if memory does not serve). Remember the
circumstances and the feeling of peace you had. The
more emotion you bring to the memory the better.
Add whatever elements, colors or sensations which
will make it more vivid for you. Really sense
it.
Now, while holding that memory, firmly squeeze
together your thumb and first finger on your right
hand, forming a circle. This will cause a physical
‘anchor’ to link with that particular
emotion. Keep your Father’s Circle firmly
intact while you replay your peaceful memory
several times. Now do it again a few more times.
The deeper you can go with this the better. Allow
the calm feeling to flood through your mind and
body. This may be quite subtle at first.
Ultimately, when a stressful situation occurs, all
you need do is form your Father’s Circle and
relaxation will set in. The physical anchor has
been established.
If you like, you can take the Father’s
Circle for a test drive. Sit quietly with your
fingers relaxed and apart. Recall a situation from
the past which caused you some mild stress. Now,
bring your fingers together to form your
Father’s Circle. Notice relaxation in your
body and/or mind, however subtle. Imagine this
situation being resolved peacefully. Practice this
technique and allow the sensation of calm to build
and become more pronounced. This is a tool that you
can call on again and again when you notice
yourself becoming stressed. Practice works.
©2009, Patrick
Houser
* * *
Patrick
Houser is a father and a grandfather. His second
son's arrival was the first waterbirth in the U.S.
This led him into nearly 25 years of support for
both choices and working with parents. He has
gained wide experience from various fields
including a degree in marketing, owning a
construction firm and a natural health centre.
Patrick is a Life Coach and co-founder of
Fathers-To-Be, a new concept in antenatal
education, for men. Fathers-To-Be also offers
consulting and training for health service
providers. E-Mail
or www.fatherstobe.org
These articles are excerps from his book
Fathers-To-Be
Handbook: A road map for the transition
to fatherhood.
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