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Falling in Love "Too Fast"
Q. I think I have a fear of success with women; in
some ways, getting the women I want seems more
scary than just dating women I'm not really turned
on by. I've had my heart broken by women I was
really into, and now I think I'm too scared to
pursue women I really like. Can you help me?
Thanks, Abe
A. Dear Abe,
We know what you mean. We had one student who
was dating a women he felt was "the one." He was
having tremendous success with her, as he measured
it--she liked him, it was very exciting and
delightful to be with her, and they were having
amazing sex together. He jumped in deep, really
opening his heart to her in a matter of days,
telling his friends he thought she was "the one,"
and so on. What could possible go wrong?
After a couple of weeks, she "disappeared." She
rarely returned his calls, and started blowing off
their dates. Finally she told him, "I like you, but
with my life the way it is, it's just too much of a
hassle to have a relationship right now. Besides,
I'm sort of seeing this other guy..." He was
devastated, heartbroken, and even more afraid of
"success."
When you meet a hot woman with whom you have
great chemistry, Abe, you probably jump in as
deeply as you can as quickly as you can. And, like
many of us, you have experienced with what can
happen when you do that: You have short, passionate
affairs which end with you being heartbroken and
alone.
These painful affairs also leave you "afraid of
success." You know how much "success" can hurt, so
you only date women you aren't really attracted
to.
But here's the good news: All this happens for a
reason. You jump in too deep too fast because you
mistake chemistry for trustworthiness. Just because
you have chemistry with a woman doesn't mean she
won't flake out on you. It doesn't mean she won't
have emotional problems that will cause her to
leave. It doesn't mean you can count on her. And
when you have great chemistry with a woman, you
think it does.
In short-term sexual relationships, it doesn't
matter how trustworthy she is. You aren't putting
your heart in her hands. But when you have
chemistry, it's extremely important to be able to
trust her. You have to build trust over time,
before you open up to her fully.
The solution here is to go slowly and building
trust with the woman before you give her your heart
fully. If you are going to really fall in love with
a woman you are really attracted to, you need to go
slowly and take the time to find out if you
can trust her. You need to know if she's a
psycho who's going to go nuts and take off on you,
breaking your heart. You can only find this out
over time.
So how is this done?
Mostly this is handled by awareness. When you
meet a woman you have great chemistry with, you
need to keep reminding yourself that having
chemistry with a woman isn't the same as knowing
that you can trust her. Trust is earned, and before
you give your heart over to her fully, you should
take the time to see how she behaves over time.
You should definitely spend time with her. Have
fun with her. Feel good feelings with her. Be
sexual with her. But listen to your fear, too, and
let it pace how fast you open up emotionally. Don't
jump in too deep until you have a sense that she's
willing to stick with you for a while. You get that
sense from watching her behavior, rather than your
feelings. Does she show up for dates? Does she
return calls? Does she keep her commitments in her
life? To find this out, you have to slow things
down.
On the upside, most women are incredibly
attracted to a man who can say, "I really like you,
and I want to take the time to really learn we can
trust each other, so we can really open up and be
intimate. So I want to take things slowly and build
a connection we can trust." Saying this sort of
thing tends to make a woman feel really safe with
you, and to desire you all the more. After all, you
aren't just trying to get as much sex out of her as
you can, like all those other guys. She likes this.
A man slowing things down can be an incredible
aphrodisiac to a woman.
Slowing down a romantic relationship with a
woman you are attracted to might suck, but it
doesn't suck as much as 1) having a short affair
that ends in heartbreak or 2) being so afraid of
that heartbreak that you develop a massive fear of
success.
© 2010, Mastery
Technologies, Inc.
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
* * *
We must try to trust one another. Stay and
cooperate. - Jomo Kenyatta
Ron
Louis and David Copeland are the authors of
How
to Succeed with
Women, The Sex
Lover's Book of Lists, and The Mastery
Program audio course. Send them those seduction
questions: questions@howtosucceedwithwomen.com
You're question may be used in the next newsletter!
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