Ask yourself: Have you earned the privilege of being in a truly loving and romantic relationship? Have you given yourself to the process of co-creating success?
Because when we don't succeed we are in some way responsible.
Oh no, you say, it was his fault or her problems that wrecked everything. But each of us chooses to be where we are. Our relationships start at the very first moment of meeting and are shaped by both people each step along the way.
When you focus outside yourself for the source of the problem--what the other person is doing or not doing--you abdicate responsibility for how you have chosen to live.
How often do you find yourself being judgmental about the different ways of your partner? Perhaps even feeling righteous about it. After all, it's annoying when he leaves his clothes all around, when she's on the phone forever. If we're honest, we see that we are quite judgmental toward those we say we love.
Why is so easy? Because we're about as harsh on them as we are on ourselves. Yet it's comfortable to ignore our own self-condemnation and believe that we're innocent. It's all the other person's fault.
But the way we see the other is simply the outer manifestation of how we see our selves--that is denied.
Oh, not in this specific behavior or that. But in the attitude toward our limitations, mistakes and vulnerable humanity. Then we are devastated when our relationships don't work out. Yet our approach has been to try to get the other to change and avoid our own self-development.
We fail to move beyond self-centered demands into the true meaning of love and acceptance. So love never really has a chance.
How do we become true lovers? It's simple, really. We need to face into the fact that each of us, yes, each and every one of us has security issues. We deal with our insecurity in different ways. But we are always looking to find assurance that we are lovable, that we are loved for who we really are.
Start by changing how you relate to yourself. Notice the angry and harsh voice in you head that wants to condemn you for any little slip-up, any problem you should have been too perfect to have encountered.
And then release the need to judge yourself. You are human, after all. Now replace the contempt and condemnation with compassion and self-acceptance.
Yes, you're not perfect. No one is. And nothing tragic occurred. In fact, each mistake is a gift, a chance to develop yourself as a true lover--first for yourself. And then for others. You become a successful lover from the inside out. For it is true, how we see the world outside, that's who we are inside.
© 2010, Judith & Jim
I have always made a distinction between my friends and my confidants. I enjoy the conversation of the former; from the latter I hide nothing. - Edith Piaf
Judith Sherven and
Jim Sniechowski are husband and wife and the best-selling
authors of four books: "The
to Love 365 Days a Year" and
Loved for Who You Really Are: How the differences
between men and women can be turned into the source of the
very best romance you'll ever
know. Their fourth is
Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your
Dreams, an important book for
anyone who cares that weddings support the couple and the
marriage they are creating. And their latest book,
Heart of Marketing: Love your customers and they will
love you back. Claim your free
relationship tips at www.makingtheordinaryextraordinary.com
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