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Am I a Sex Addict, or Am I a High-T?
I’ve been a specialist in the field of
sexual addiction and compulsivity for almost 20
years. Clients will ask me if they are a sex addict
by the specifics of what they’re thinking,
doing, and/or wanting to do make them a potential
sex addict. For example, does wanting sex every
day, or twice a night make them an addict?
The surprising truth is that sexual addiction
isn’t about sex at all. Sexual compulsives
behave sexually, but the underlying reason for
their behavior has to do with their “acting
out” something else inside such as sexual
trauma or other forms of childhood abuse or
neglect. To determine whether they’re truly
sex addicts and sexually acting out (SAO), many
factors need to be considered.
Patrick Carnes coined the term sexual addiction
in 1983. His work focuses on how “addictive
sexuality feels shameful, is exploitive,
compromises values, draws on fear for excitement,
reenacts childhood abuses, disconnects one from
oneself, creates a world of unreality, is
self-destructive and dangerous, uses conquest and
power, serves to medicate and kill pain, is
dishonest, becomes routine, requires a double life,
is grim and joyless and demands
perfection”.
I ask heterosexual men and women alike to take
the sexual addiction screening tests that can be
found in Patrick Carne’s books, Out of the
Shadows and Don’t Call It Love. For gay men, I
suggest taking the test in my own book 10 Smart
Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives and
for women, I recommend taking the test in Charlotte
Kasl’s book Women, Sex and Addiction; A Search
for Love and Power. While these tests are anecdotal
and not research-based, they open a dialogue about
one’s sexual behavior. If they point to
possible addiction, then we start to examine what
we refer to as one’s “sexually acting
out” (SAO) behaviors.
To confirm or rule out sexual addiction, the
following ten signs should be explored:
1. A pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior:
Reflecting on one’s past can illuminate if
this patterns exists. Usually someone with a sexual
addiction doesn’t recognize it until his/her
30s or 40s, when patterns have been firmly
established.
2. Severe consequences as a result of
out-of-control sexual behavior: If you’re
single and don’t have frequent contact with
family and friends, then repercussions of your
out-of-control sexual behavior may not occur as
easily. If you hide your sexual behavior from your
partner and others you’re close to, this too
can result in your remaining unaware of your
addiction. However, anyone with sexual addiction
frequently incurs legal, medical, and relational
consequences. These may include arrests at public
restrooms, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs),
overindulging to the point of physical injury (ie:
sores on one’s genitals), and a partner
threatening to leave.
3. Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or
high-risk sexual behavior: Do you frequently: have
sex without using a condom; give oral sex and
swallow; cruise public areas for sex, knowing you
can be arrested; secretly log onto the Internet at
work or at home and changing the screen as soon as
someone approaches; or have affairs outside of your
partnered relationship?
4. On-going desire or efforts to limit this
behavior: You should be able to easily determine
how much sex you want to engage in, and how often.
Of course at times, you’ll let desire to
overcome you and be spontaneous. But if allowing
your desires to overcome you becomes the
norm—where your desires are making the
decisions, and not you—you might want to
consider that you may have a problem.
5. Inability to stop, despite the consequences:
If you never try to stop, you won’t know if an
inability exists. I tell clients that after a
negative consequence, most people who don’t
have a problem, sexual or otherwise, will either
greatly reduce the “offending” behavior
or give it up completely. Those who continue in the
face of unpleasant results usually have a
problem.
6. Sexual obsession and fantasy are your chief
strategies for coping : Obsession doesn’t mean
thinking about sex every minute of the day—but
of course, it can. It can take on the following
forms: planning time for acting out sexually;
ensuring that you'll have enough money to spend on
SAO; lying and covering up your escapades;
recovering from the effects of SAO; worrying about
an STD or if you’ve passed it onto a partner;
or not using up your libido so there’s none
left for your partner.
7. Increasing your quantity—or
variety—of sexual experience because the
current level no longer satisfies you : Your
participation in SAO is enhanced by
naturally-produced internal drugs like as PEA,
adrenaline, and endorphins. Tolerance to these
drugs begins to increase, so that over time, you
need to engage in more dangerous behaviors or take
higher risks to get the same sexual high.
8. Severe mood changes centering around sexual
activity: Sex should heighten your self esteem and
intimacy with others. The course of sexual
addiction usually ends in feelings of shame,
depression, and despair over one’s SAO
behavior. Beforehand, looking forward to sexual
behavior usually boosts people’s mood. But
afterward, the addict often reports a lack of sleep
and therefore, being on edge and easily irritated.
If you feel shame after sex, that could indicate
there’s something wrong.
9. Inordinate time spent in looking for sexual
experiences, engaging in them, or recovering from
them : Sex addicts prefer the chase over the actual
behavior; and so spend increasing amounts of time
in Internet chat rooms while surfing for porn
sites. They’ll waste hours, day or night in
bathhouses, at bars and rest areas in search of
numerous hook-ups. The sex they experience is often
a disappointing letdown.
10. Reducing or neglecting other social,
occupational, or recreational activities: The true
sex addict prefers sexual highs and the thrill of
the chase over simply being with others, getting
work done at his/her job and/or making time for fun
and recreation. None of us can totally balance life
perfectly. But if you’re neglecting important
areas of your life to spend time thinking about,
planning for, looking for, and making time for SAO,
that should cause you some concern.
Have you ruled out being a sex addict but still
feel troubled by your sexual behavior? You may
simply be: a high-T with a strong sex drive; in
Stage 5 of coming out of the closet; or in romantic
love—the first stage of a relationship; acting
out childhood sexual abuse, or other forms of abuse
or neglect that cause other forms of sexual
discomfort.
Lastly, are you using sexual behavior to manage
some affective disorder such as depression,
anxiety, manic-depression, or ADHD? The solution is
to read much of the self-help literature
that’s available online and in bookstores and
seek therapy with someone with professional
experience in dealing with SAO.
©2009 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
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psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
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counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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