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Straights and queers
both have 'body image' fears
Spring's right around the corner. Time to bring
out your summer wardrobes and start waxing or
shaving your body. But what if you are struggling
with weight issues, low self-esteem, eating
disorders, sexual addiction or other issues related
to your body and it doesn't cooperate the way you
want it to? What if those extra pounds you put on
over the past winter won't come off or your body
doesn't cooperate the way you'd like it to? For
many lesbians and gays, the issue of body image is
a strained one. In her book Looking Queer, Dawn
Atkins explores how members of the GLBT communities
think and feel about their physical appearance.
About now, my clients start talking about
anticipating spring and summer. Some overweight
lesbians complain of feeling self-conscious, and
dread getting into summer clothes, let alone a
bathing suit. Thankfully, Looking Queer addresses
the plight of lesbians who closet themselves out of
their concerns about their weight and body image:
"Ironically, the lesbian-feminist standard of
self-acceptance for women has created a taboo
around worrying about weight and body image, going
so far as to identify negative body image and
obsessions as a 'straight women's thing'".
My gay male clients talk about their desire to
start or increase a diet and work-out program. They
try to create the perfect gym bodies: sculptured
chests, buns of steel, and well-defined big biceps.
But what if a man can't achieve a buff, hairless,
well-hung, tanned or blemish-free body-or doesn't
even want one? Many gay men feel themselves
isolated for not achieving this happy, perfected
ideal image.
I'm not exempt from feeling this pressure! Over
the past few years, my partner and I have gone on a
number of all-gay cruises. On our first trip, lying
on my back in my bathing suit on a lounge chair, I
realized I was surrounded by men without a single
hair on their bodies, especially not on their
backs. My back is covered with hair, and I wondered
about getting emergency waxing before I stood up
and exposed my back. For our next trip, I vowed to
remove it. Screaming in pain-to the delight of my
"dominatrix mistress waxing operator" who poured
hot wax on my back and pulled it all off once it
hardened-I vowed never to do this to myself again.
I joked that she must have sold my back hair at the
local carpet store, for use as an area rug.
Of course hair removal, dieting, and exercise
can all be ways to look good and feel positive
about your body. However, some obstacles prevent us
from achieving these goals. As lesbians and gays,
we're told to deny our bodies and bury our physical
sensations. "Don't look at-or smell, or touch, or
taste-another member of the same gender and enjoy
it!" While lesbians have developed greater
flexibility in how they define attractiveness, as
females they've been handed messages like, "Don't
be too sexual," and "Be thin for your man". From
this socialized goal-to please the male gaze and
resemble Barbies-women develop eating disorders.
Binge-eating and purging help them feel in control
of their bodies, and lesbians are not exempt.
The phrase "lesbian body image" isn't found in
psychological literature, because of the belief
that body image is a problem for straight women
only, or that lesbians have gotten over worrying
about it. This isn't true and only isolates those
lesbians who haven't gotten over it!
For his part, a gay male-like males in
general-is taught to be a sexual predator and
develop a masculine physique. When he views sex as
a means to feel in touch with his body, giving him
permission to feel other men's bodies, sexual
addiction can develop. Gay men spend hours at the
gym, developing bodies that they can "wear" like a
good Armani suit.
During childhood, sexual and physical abuse can
also vandalize the healthy development of feeling
in charge of one's own body. The perpetrator, when
engaging in such abhorrent behavior, claims
ownership of the child's body. Another common
body-image disorder is sexual anorexia, where the
sufferer limits or deadens his sexuality to the
point of becoming asexual. Paradoxically, he or she
becomes preoccupied with sexuality and views "being
sexual" as dirty and disgusting. Although
heterosexuals can develop this as well, in my
practice, I see many gay men and lesbians who
suffer sexual anorexia. We are more vulnerable to
it, unfortunately, given the message that gays
should abstain from sex, if not be completely
celibate.
Were you unsuccessful in your New Year's
resolutions to get the pounds off, stop the sexual
acting or over-eating? If so, that might mean you
should rid yourself and work through some of these
issues. Take a look at what messages you were told
about your body, what others have done to your body
and/or your expectations of what your body should
be.
Make it what you want it to be, because our
bodies aren't owned by anyone but ourselves. Our
community needs to move beyond the "looksism" and
actively challenge the narrow, restrictive concepts
of what it means to love and accept ourselves.
©2009 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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