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Throughout Our Culture We Need Strong
Mentors
Webster’s New World Dictionary defines culture
as the “ideas, skills, arts of a people
communicated or passed along to succeeding
generations.
”The Jewish culture was passed onto me
mostly by my bubbie. Although not a formally
educated woman, my bubbie knows quite a bit of
Jewish religion and culture and has been obedient
and loyal to it throughout her life.
As I write this, I am reminded that she wanted
(no, insisted!) that I use her name in my
articles.
“Yusella,” she says, “I notice
when you mention me in your articles you don’t
say my name…why?”
“Bubbie,” I respond, “I did not
know you had a name until I was a
teenager…everyone calls you bubbie, even your
friends!”.
I had quite a bit of contact with Bubbie growing
up because she helped my mother raise me. She
taught me the reasons and meanings behind lighting
candles for the Sabbath, keeping kosher (as a child
I was always so upset that she would never know the
taste of a cheeseburger or pizza with pepperoni in
her life!) and observing the High Holidays. I
witnessed a woman who was full of religious
morality, spirituality and holiness. She is always
filled with joy whenever she gets a chance to be a
part of a Jewish experience. I can listen to her
stories for hours about her experiences as a little
girl coming to America from Russia with all the
other Jews. In fact, I have videotaped her telling
them so I will never forget not only her words but
her way of telling these stories.
Unfortunately, not only did she teach me
spirituality she taught me superstition as well.
Admittedly, to avoid bad luck, when I accidentally
spill the salt, I shake it over my left shoulder
three times (or is it my right shoulder?…I can
never remember so I always to both just in case);
if I sneeze while I am talking about someone who
has passed away, I lift both my ears; and if it
seems like someone is giving me the evil eye I say
“tooh-tooh-tooh” through my index and
middle finger over and over again.
But I did not have anyone to teach me the gay
way of life. As a gay little boy and gay teen, and
now a gay adult. There were no gay bubbies to teach
about gay culture.
So, in the gay and lesbian culture, our identity
is formed in adulthood and we mentor each other and
ourselves. Some very wonderful things characterize
our culture. One is that we are not bound by gender
roles. This is a freeing experience so that when
partnered, stereo-typical expectations do not
exist.
Everything has to be negotiated. Imagine two men
partnered in which both have been groomed to be
breadwinners and providers as men usually are.
Someone has to take care of the home. Or two women
partnered, having been raised to be nurturers and
home based. Someone has to go out and work. Se we
get to decide what works best for us and not what
we are expected to do.
We also have more freedom around sexuality that
other cultures. This is largely due to
heterosexuals having defined lesbians and gays
mostly by our sexual desire so we explore and
examine our sexual nature more openly.
I think the best feature of our culture as gays
and lesbians is our overall level of courage and
honesty. It takes bravery and sincerity to come out
of the closet in this anti-gay society in which we
live. When closeted, we dishonestly present a false
self to others because of fear of hate and
rejection. To come out is an act of assertiveness
and affirmation in a society that would rather we
stay dishonest and passive.
The honesty it takes to come out is so profound
that when others learn about our gayness, they
become honest with us as well. It forces
truthfulness to the forefront for all.
This was best illustrated in the movie In and
Out in which Kevin Kline portrays a gay man who
comes out. There is a scene in which his mother and
her girlfriends are sitting around talking about
this “outing” and they decide to take
risks and be honest with each other and “come
out” about their own deep dark secrets. It is
done very appropriately and best shows what
actually happens to us and those around us when we
tell our truth.
As I said, there are no Bubbie's in the lesbian
and gay culture. There are still very few gay
mentors who can or will come forward and be
available to gay and lesbian youth. There are many
people who will not allow it also.
I am always filled with grief when a man older
than I am, in his 40’s, 50’s, 60’s
and even 70’, comes to me because I am out and
asks me what it is like to be gay and to teach him
the gay culture. It should be the other way
around.
I long for a bubbie-like presence in our culture
to nurture me and teach me the kinds of things
about what it means to be a gay man as I was taught
about what it means to be a Jew.
I will end with the most healing words that were
ever said to me in my whole life. When I told
Bubbie I was gay at age 23, she looked at me and
said, “Gay Shmay,, Yusselah, just don’t
be alone!”
©2010 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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