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Straight Guise
The term MSM (men who have sex with men) derives
from the growing body of literature showing
evidence that not all men who have sex with
men—even obligatory homosexual sex—are
gay. It’s struck such a chord that even Oprah
addressed the trend when she interviewed J.L. King
who originally exposed this lifestyle in the black
community with his breakout bestseller, On the Down
Low: A Journey into the Lives of Straight”
Black Men Who Sleep with Men. Straight Guise
takes King’s book several steps farther.
There are many reasons men have sex with other
men, only some of which have anything to do with
homosexuality or bisexuality.
Many types of men engage in same-sex
relationships, for a variety of reasons, which I
will identify for the reader. A few of them
are:
1. Openly Gay: These are men with
homosexual orientations and preferences, who are
romantically and sexually aroused by other men.
When engaging in sexual activity with men, they
feel affirmed and positive.
2. Closeted homosexual: These are
homosexually oriented men who are sexually
attracted to other men but are ashamed of their
feelings and repress their urges to enjoy their
fantasies and behaviors—knowing it could lead
to romance and love. When they engage in same-sex
behavior, they feel ashamed.
3. Hetero-Emotional and Homo-Sexual Men:
These are men who are romantically attracted to
the opposite sex and are usually heterosexually
married and can be sexual with women they love but
they are predominately aroused and driven sexually
by desire for sex with other men.
4. Bisexual: These are men with combined
heterosexual and homosexual orientations and
preferences who are sexually—and often
romantically—aroused and desire both genders.
When they fantasize or act out on these urges, they
too feel affirmed and positive.
5. Men acting out early childhood sexual
abuse (also known as homosexual imprinting):
These heterosexual men are not homosexually
oriented. They do not sexually desire nor are they
aroused by other men. However, they compulsively
re-enact childhood sexual abuse by male
perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with
other men. This has nothing to do with their sexual
and romantic identities.
If a basically heterosexual boy is molested by a
male relative, he may keep “returning to the
scene of the crime” to defuse and desensitize
his emotional pain. When his original trauma gets
cleared up, the “homosexual” behavior
he’s re-enacting ceases. This isn’t about
gayness; it is about sexual abuse.
6. Men who are sex workers/male escorts:
These heterosexual men engage in sexual behavior
with other men by choice for the financial reward
and lack desire for the other men and are aroused
by the behavior not the man.
7. Men seeking intensely arousing but
shameful experiences (dildo sex, bondage):
These are heterosexual men who are strongly
compelled and interested in various sexual
experiences and preferences that would often be
labeled as homosexual. To avoid being identified in
this way by females, they seek out men, whom they
perceive as non-judgmental.
8. First Sexual Experience: Sometimes
heterosexual males experiment with other males
sexually, usually in adolescence and/or young
adulthood (up to age 25) for the experience and
curiosity.
9. Availability/Opportunity: These
straight men have high sex drives and are sexually
aroused easily. They connect with men for physical
sexual release, which can be quick and easy,
avoiding having to emotionally engage.
10. Father Hunger: These are heterosexual
men who crave affection and attention from their
fathers and seek sex with men as a way of getting
that male nurturance and acceptance.
11. Narcissism: These are straight men
who are self-absorbed and have a constant need for
attention and acceptance; they use sexuality with
men to be worshipped and adored.
12. Sexual
Addiction: “Gay” behavior
can be the result of sexual addiction. I’ll
clarify what sexual addiction is—and
isn’t—and explore its defining signs and
symptoms. But even a "cured" sex addict will still
feel attracted to men, as do celibate gay
priests.
13. Cuckolds: These are men who enjoy
fantasies of--or the reality of--their wives and
girlfriends having sex with other men either in
front of them, nearby or with their knowledge about
when and where it occurs. They’re often
sexually aroused by feeling humiliated that their
wives are being pleased by another male whom they
see as more potent and better endowed. Other men
enjoy being sexual with other men's wives in front
of the husband or at least with their knowledge.
Sometimes they engage in sexual behavior with the
man but only in the presence of the wife or
girlfriend.
14. Exhibitionists: These are men who
enjoy being looked at by both men and women as long
as they are being admired for their bodies. Many
are body builders and muscular and enjoy the
homo-erotic attention of gay men and might even
flirt with gay men to encourage more
admiration.
15. Sex in Prison: These are men who are
imprisoned who engage in same sex behavior. Their
need for sexual release with another person occurs
with men as they are available. Once released from
prison they no longer engage in sexual behavior
with men.
The controversial concept of reparative therapy
(RT), which is based on the notion that gay or
lesbian behavior is due solely to childhood trauma
or gender confusion is harmful and unethical. RT
does not believe there is anything positive about
homosexuality and believes sexual orientation
change is possible. Trying to change one’s
orientation is harmful and impossible. In fact, RT
has been widely discredited. I believe that RT
isn’t therapy: it instills self-hate in gays
and lesbians and is covert cultural sexual abuse.
Every mental health institution and accrediting
organizations have deemed it unethical.
If there are any success stories by
someone practicing
RT or helping someone stop same
sex attractions, the individual was not gay
from the start. In other words those who state they
have helped someone go from gay to straight or be
relieved or same
sex attraction are simply describing someone
who is heterosexual who may have been acting out
homosexual behavior having nothing to do with their
sexual orientation.
The harm of groups which attempt to change
sexual orientation are well documented in two
excellent films, Fish
Can't Fly and One
Nation Under God.
Not a week goes by when I don’t receive
distressed emails or phone calls from men who worry
they might be gay and either are or are not and
wives who have discovered their husbands engaged in
gay hookups and relationships or exploring gay
porn. My hope is to help these men, the women
involved with them and therapists helping them
understand their behaviors to separate the two
types of men in the world: There are men who are
gay and bisexual and then there are heterosexual
men who seek out sex with other men. The
difference is one of sexual preference versus
sexual identity.
©2009 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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