Cant We All Just Get Along?
Its said that a prophet is without honor in
his own country. We gays and lesbians dont
have our own nation, let alone recognized
prophets in our communities. As a
groupleaders, organizations and
businesses we dishonor each other. I hear
gays and lesbians say things like: Isnt
it great that straight business is reaching out to
the GLBT [gay, lesbian, bisexual, and
transgender] community, and literally in
the same breath, Can you believe that GLBT
businesses are trying to make money off us?
and Who does that business think it is,
trying to be in the forefront of the gay
community?
This is internalized homophobia (hereafter, IH),
which occurs whenever GLBT people direct external
homophobia at themselves and others in their
community. IH is growing as more and more GLBT
businesses courageously hang their shingles as
out and open. IH makes us distance
ourselves from others in our community, dismissing
them as too gay-acting, too out, or too
political.
For years now, weve seen GLBT
organizations experience internal conflicts and
disorganization with each other. These
organizations argueinternally and
externallyabout who has the correct ideas,
direction, concepts and plans. Differences in
opinion lead to some individuals splitting off and
creating their own organizations, which then
compete with the original one.
The psychological and social reasons for this
originate in how we GLBTs learn our sense of
belonging, identity, and competence. Many other
minorities have the same tendency to attack one
another for similar reasons. This is called lateral
discrimination: The minority group internalizes the
presumed superiority of the larger society and
individuals in the group act out toward one
another.
Belonging
From childhood, we gays and lesbians are denied
a sense of belonging. Having to conform to
heterosexual models, we dont automatically
learn, as do our heterosexual counterparts, to
establish community and togetherness amongst each
other.
Other minorities have families who support them
and give them a sense of belonging amongst their
own minority. Oprah Winfrey talks about the first
time she saw the Supremes on television and yelling
to her family, Colored people are on TV,
colored people are on TV! She and her family
watched these three beautiful black women singing
and wearing beautiful clothes in ways that
African-Americans werent usually depicted on
television.
At least Oprah had her family to run to and feel
a sense of belonging. Unlike other minorities, we
have no one to provide that support! In our own
families, we are still a minority. Were born
into an enemy camp, heterosexual families, and go
to heterosexual boot camp for at least 18
years.
Identity
Understandably, we humans label
ourselvesand each otheras a way to
achieve a sense of identity. And within these
labelsparticularly gender labels--we are
expected to act and think a certain way. GLBT
children dont get the same support as
heterosexual boys and girls. The girls hear,
You have to wear this dress, and the
boys are told, Dont act like a
girl. When I was young, I used to put my
sisters black tights on my head and sing into
a hairbrush, pretending I was Cher! My mother
grabbed those tights off my head and told me,
Little boys cannot be Cher. The bottom
line is, we have to establish our identities on our
own, with no help from others in learning to be who
we are.
Our differences are not respected from
childhood. Therefore, we do not accept each
others differences as adults. How then can we
be expected to accept each others differences
within our GLBT community and businesses?
Competence
One of the biggest factors contributing to
negativity toward gay businesses is the wound gay
and lesbian children receive around the competence
stage of development. Everyone needs to feel that
what they think and do is worthwhile. If children
dont get this impression from caretakers
and/or authority figures, they often grow up to
feel incompetent and/or uncompetitive. Gay children
are taught that the way they think, act and feel is
wrong. How can we support each other if we have no
confidence in ourselves?
The other ways competence wounds are acted out
are by becoming competitive. I am not talking about
healthy competitiveness--I am talking about fierce,
vicious competition. One business might come out
against the other, overtly or covertly doing subtle
things to undermine the company. I often see this
among gay and lesbian businesses, and the worst
part is that there is no need to feel threatened or
competitive. The competitiveness demonstrated is
from that persons or businesss past
wounds.
The Enemy Among Us
Its wonderful that our community has
multiple organizations, businesses, and support
groups. The answer is not necessarily to join
together and create a single one, but to allow
communication and dialogue among the various
businesses. We need to honor our own competence and
each others, and support one another by
checking on dates of each others events,
national and local, held by businesses similar to
our own when we can. We should talk to each other
about how to stand together for our common good and
not feel threatened by one another. What an impact
our GLBT businesses could make if we put our heads
together and supported each other, allowing for
more than one reality and honored each others
viewpoints. Isnt that exactly what were
asking from those outside of our community?
Id like to end this article with a quote
from author and motivational speaker Alan Cohen:
Instead of going to scare city
[scarcity], have a bun dance
[abundance]!
©2009 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives.
www.joekort.com
or joekort@joekort.com
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!

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