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The Love Drug
When you look across a crowded room and spot that
hot guy often you think you found the man of your
dreams. Usually, it is lust that you are
feeling—a purely sexual sensation, until you
start to talk to him and get to know him. And
suddenly you fall into romantic love.
Our society focuses primarily on romantic love
and calls it real love. Movies, books, songs on the
radio, television all make us feel that if we
cannot sustain this feeling, then we’ve
“fallen out of love.” Many believe that
this rapturous emotion should never end and that
keeping the “high” of the connection
going should require little to no work at all.
That’s just not so. If you two are lucky, this
physiological state of infatuation lasts from six
to 18 months, tops.
For most people, romantic love is the best part
of their relationship. With the selection process
in the hunt for love seemingly over, it’s so
easy to just lie back and enjoy the ecstatic
feelings and the bonding experience. But as an
emotional experience, romantic love is simply the
doorway to any relationship. Its main purpose is to
bring two people together in an emotional
“time out” when both partners can feel
their sameness, overlook their differences and
experience a feeling of euphoria.
Romantic love is nature’s anesthesia.
During this stage, people often say they feel
drugged. If depressed, they report being less so.
If suffering from an addiction, they will
experience a diminished craving or feel entirely
“cured.” Love’s a stimulant, too:
Someone who needs a lot of sleep finds he can
suddenly operate on less. And a sluggish sex drive
it will ratchet up to match a partner’s higher
libido.
The sense of elation, exhilaration and euphoria
that new lovers feel is mostly due to their bodies
producing a natural amphetamine called
phenylethylamine (PEA). So, yes, if you feel
drugged, it’s because you are! Most people
don’t know that as we fall in romantic love,
nature floods us with chemical cousins of
amphetamines like PEA, dopamine,
norepinephrine—all natural stimulants and
painkillers. When PEA is first released, it is
actually at its most potent state, which is why
people never forget their first loves. This is also
what promotes addictions to sex and love, in people
who are constantly seeking to access this natural
high. The problem, just as with most other
addictions, is that each time it’s released,
it becomes less and less powerful and lasts for a
shorter period of time. But it’s not meant to
last. Again, its only purpose is to connect two
people to begin the bonding process.
We gay men cherish this time even more than our
heterosexual counterparts do, since we’re so
often warned that we’ll never find love, that
the gay culture is based on promiscuity and
short-term hook-ups. So when romantic love hits,
it’s like a long-forgotten uncle remembered
you in his will.
Alas, it’s only a temporary state that's
supposed to end. But people, not knowing this, do
all they can to keep it from ending. Some people
break it off just to make up again and reactivate
those early feelings, plus the PEA. Others use
drugs and alcohol to try and make the feeling to
stay around—or at least, replace it. Still
others decide that relationships
“shouldn’t be so much work,” so they
dissolve it in disillusionment—or else they
have sex with others to bring back that PEA
feeling. Too many gay men see the inevitable
twilight of romantic love as like confirmation that
we cannot enjoy sustained love, that the
heterosexists and homophobes were right. But this
is another misconception. They are not right, and
that’s not so.
Some cultures (India’s, for example, where
arranged marriages are still the norm) don’t
even aspire to limerence, because they’re
aware that it’s not based on reality. If you
find a guy who you think is the man of your dreams,
just understand that real love involves three
stages; and that your first two years together are
not necessarily a positive indicator that he’s
the right one for you. It’s good to enjoy PEA,
as long as you understand that it’s not what
real love is all about. This is important because
if you go with your feelings while high on PEA, the
stage of romantic love ends, you could walk away
from the relationship of your dreams.
©2009 by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!
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