Handling Homophobia: Gay Rights or
Childrens Needs?
When people think about children, rarely is their
focus on how homophobia can hurt them. Usually it
is raised when talking about a gay parent and how
they may impact their offspring, or how
the behavior of gay and lesbian adults will
influence them. But even more rarely do people
concentrate on how homophobia impacts children, gay
and straight alikewhich is far worse than
anything a child might be exposed to in a gay pride
parade or in observing gay relationships.
Studies show, in fact, that developing gay or
lesbian adolescents can handle their sexual
orientation. What they cant cope with is the
homophobic acts and verbal statements they
encounter in the media or in their schools, homes
or communities. A heterosexual adolescent can no
more handle acts of homophobia upon him or her as
well.
In this article, Ill first define
homophobia and talk about words related to it, then
address how we all, straight and gay alike, pay a
price for it.
In his 1972 book, Society and the Healthy
Homosexual, George Weinberg coined the term
homophobia and wrote about how it related to gays
and lesbians.. Since then, the word has been
examined with a discriminating eye. People claim
that it does not apply to them, inasmuch as they
arent afraid, or phobic, of
gays.
Phobia
Phobia is a persistent, abnormal or irrational
fear of a specific thing or situation that compels
one to avoid the feared stimulus.
Homophobia
Homophobia is the feeling(s) of fear, hatred,
disgust about attraction or love for members of
ones own sex. It is prejudice, based on the
belief that lesbians, and gays are immoral, sick,
sinful or somehow inferior to heterosexuals. It
results in fear of associating with lesbians and
gays in close proximityphysically, mentally
and/or emotionallylest one be perceived as
lesbian or gay, and fear of venturing beyond
accepted gender role behavior. (This
can be true of gay men as well, though straight men
are typically more homophobic.)
When a heterosexual asks if Im married, I
tell him that I am. When he asks my wifes
name, I educate him that I am gay and that my male
partners name is Mike. Usually he takes a
step back and says in a manly voice, Dude, I
am not gay. I respond, Dude, I
didnt think you were. I was just responding
to your thinking I was straight.
A young heterosexual man of high-school age once
asked me if gay men are attracted to straight men
too. I told him, Yes, just as straight men
are attracted to all women, lesbian or
straight. He gave me a frightened look and
said, No more questions!
I tried to educate him that this attraction
wouldnt always be acted on, but he rapidly
walked away from me with the parting line,
You and your kind are sick! This is a
prime example of homophobia!
Homonegative
Homonegative is the term for those who hold
negative beliefs and feelings, but arent
afraid about being perceived as gay to the point
that theyll avoid gays and lesbians. These
people say things like, I have gays and
lesbians as friends. I just dont agree with
their lifestyle. These people are friendly
toward gays and lesbians. They can be co-workers,
family members and even be gay or lesbian
themselvesbut still hold negative views about
gays and lesbians!.
A client recently told me that his mother is
against my being gay, but loves me
anyway. This is a good example of
homonegativity.
Homoprejudice
The word homoprejudice means discrimination
against gays and lesbians. At a recent talk I gave,
a woman told me that she thought I was
promoting the homosexual lifestyle and
telling her to accept gays and
lesbians. I smiled back nicely and said, No
maam, I am asking you not to accept
discrimination toward gays and lesbians.
That people would pass laws to prevent gays and
lesbians from marrying, making them lose their jobs
and/or their housing, are examples of
homoprejudice. Most people dont even know
that no federal laws prohibit discrimination
against gays and lesbians in the workplaceand
that you can be fired for simply being gay!
Another example is when Governor Mitt Romney
dusted off an old 1913 law making any marriage in
Massachusetts void, if that marriage would not be
legal in the couples home state and
encouraged his attorney general to enforce it. This
prejudicial statute was the same one used to
prevent inter-racial marriages. Think of using this
same law against other minorities, and its
hard not to see the homoprejudice on Governor
Romneys part.
Homo-ignorant
Most people fall into the homo-ignorant
category. If youre never exposed to gays and
lesbians and have no interaction in the gay
community or with gay and lesbian traditions and
customs, then youre just not familiar with
the culture.
I recall going to college as a freshman and
discovering how many people were not familiar with
Jews personally, much less Jewish customs. I had to
teach my friends what being Jewish was all
aboutwhich seemed odd, since I came from the
predominately Jewish city of Oak Park,
Michigan.
Most gays and lesbians, of course, are not
hetero-ignorant. We are forced to interact with
both the gay and the straight world. As children,
we are forced into playing the heterosexual role
and conforming to whats expected of our
gender. Later in life we come out and then, as
adults, learn to create a seamless flow back and
forth, between gay life and straight life.
Warren J. Blumenfeld edited an excellent book
called, Homophobia: How We All Pay The Price, in
which he writes about how not only gays and
lesbians, but heterosexuals suffer from acts of
homophobia. Specifically:
1. First, homophobic conditioning compromises
peoples integrity by pressuring them to treat
others badlyactions contrary to their basic
humanity. This is where bullying begins,
particularly against young boys who might be gay or
effeminate ones who dont conform to male
stereotypes. Calling other boys faggot
and queer takes the focus off of the
bullies.
2. It inhibits the ability to form close,
intimate relationships with members of one's own
sex, generally restricts communication with a
significant portion of the population and, more
specifically, limits family relationships. Limited
communication contributes to the alarmingly high
30% suicide rate among adolescents who are either
gay or lesbian and/or worry they might be. Some
minimize this number by saying its inflated
or applies only to gay and lesbian teens, but they
should consider numerous teenagers who are sexually
abused or do not conform to socially accepted
gender roles. These teens worry that they might be
gay and in their confusion, also make suicide
attemptsand are often successful.
3. Homophobia is used to stigmatize, silence
and, on occasion, target people whom OTHERS
perceive or define as gay, lesbian, or bisexual,
but who are actually heterosexual. It locks all
people into rigid gender-based roles, which inhibit
creativity and self expression. Many parents are
preoccupied with ensuring that their children play
with gender-appropriate toys, denying them the
right to develop their own interests.
I think the best example of this is our
expectation and desire for men to be good fathers.
Yet we dont allow little boys to play with
dolls, so they do not get practice in nurturing.
Later, when they become fathers, we scorn them for
not knowing what to do. Meanwhile, girls get
permission for lots of practice in handling their
doll babiesa mixed message that
is very hurtful to men.
4. Homophobia is one cause of premature sexual
involvement, increasing the chances of teen
pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted
diseases (or STDs). Young people of ALL sexual
identities are often pressured to become
HETEROSEXUALLY active to proveto themselves
and othersthat they are "normal."
5. Societal homophobia keeps some LGBT people
from developing an authentic self-identity, adding
to the pressure to marry. This in turn places undue
stress and often trauma on them, as well as on
their children and heterosexual spouses.
This reminds me of the joke, quoted in my book,
by gay comedian Jason Stuart: I wish you
straight people would stop trying to prevent us
from marrying each other. If you let us marry each
other, then well stop marrying you!
People never stop to think of the children who
suffer as a result of mixed marriages between a
heterosexual and a gay man or lesbian. Society
tells us not to live an out and openly gay and
then, when we finally can no longer live in the
closet, questions them and asks, Well, why
did you get married in the first place? This
is crazy making!
6. Homophobia, combined with fear and revulsion
of sex, eliminates discussions about the lives and
sexuality of LGBT people as part of school-based
sex education, keeping vital information from all
students. Such a lack of information can kill
people in the age of AIDS. And homophobia (along
with racism, sexism, classism, sexphobia) inhibits
a unified and effective governmental and societal
response to the AIDS pandemic.
As Blumenfeld goes on to say, The meaning
is quite clear. When any group of people is
scapegoated, it is ultimately everyone's concern.
For today, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender
people are targeted. Tomorrow, they may come for
you. Everyone, therefore, has a self interest in
actively working to dismantle all the many forms of
bigotry, including homophobia.
Blumenfeld believes that all of us are
born into an environment polluted by homophobia
(one among many forms of oppression), which falls
upon us like acid rain. Some peoples spirits
are tarnished to the core, others are marred on the
surface, but no one is completely protected.
Therefore, we all have an opportunityindeed,
the responsibilityto join together to
construct protective shelters from bigotrys
corrosive effects, while working as allies to clean
up the homophobic environment we live in.
Once enough steps are taken to reduce this
pollution, we can all breathe a lot
easier.
©2009, by Joe Kort
Related: Issues,
Books
Psychotherapist
Joe Kort, MA, MSW, has been in practice since 1985.
He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as
well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a
specific program involving communication exercises
designed for couples to enhance their relationship
and for singles to learn relationship skills. He
also specializes in sexual addiction, childhood
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, depression
and anxiety. He offers workshops for couples and
singles. He runs a gay men's group therapy and a
men's sexuality group therapy for straight, bi and
gay men who are struggling with specific sexual
issues. His therapy services are for gays and
lesbians as well as heterosexuals. His articles and
columns have appeared in The Detroit Free
Press, Between the Lines Newspaper for
Gays and Lesbians, The Detroit News, The
Oakland Press, The Royal Oak Mirror, and
other publications. Besides providing therapy for
individuals and couples, he conducts a number of
groups and workshops for gay men. Now an adjunct
professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne
State University's School of Social Work, he is
doing more writing and workshops on a national
level. He is the author of 10
Smart Things Gay Men can do to Improve Their
Lives and
10
Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real
Love.
www.joekort.com
or E-Mail
*
Gaydar
(gay'.dahr, n.): (1) The
ability that lets gays and lesbians identify one
other. (2) This column--where non-gay readers can
improve their gaydar, learning more about gay men's
psychology and social lives. Also, (3) a regular
feature where gay readers can discover the many
questions and hassles their straight
counterparts--and themselves--must face!

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