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November They're usually laden with consumer goods that buy perfect gatherings along with national myths to "explain" why we're supposed to be joyful about it all. Yet, the reality is that many are "celebrating" with depression and disappointment. Even suicide rates increase this time of year. I wonder how many people actually experience the joy they expect, rather than find these to be anniversaries of exhausting, dysfunctional family pasts. It's no wonder that streaming movies such as National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home for the Holiday, or even the Home Alone series now constitute holiday traditions. Maybe most of us long for pasts that today's nostalgia has us believing were ideal even though they might never have fit the picture we carry around inside. As children, we didn't hear anyone talk openly about the family dynamics that were really taking place back then under all the mistletoe and tinsel. Still, we'd like the people on whom we used to have to depend for childhood love and nurture to somehow provide those feelings now. And if we're LGBTQ+, we'd like our families to love and embrace us, our identities, and those we love. We might use the same excuses given by abused people everywhere for hanging in there with family members now emboldened by MAGA: They don't really mean it. They really do love me. They said they were sorry and would do better next time. They need me. I can fix things if I just try harder. I'm not sure I can survive without these people who brought me up? They're the only family I've got. I owe them so much. I don't want to hurt them. We could feel that we desperately need to fix our families, and that we could if we'd do it just right or long enough. We could even feel as if we must change them in order for us to live happy lives. We might not even be living our lives for ourselves as human beings with the right to do so but trying to do whatever it takes to get their love. It's as if we feel the family dysfunctions we never chose are our fault or because of our identities. We take on the responsibility for their homophobia, transphobia, and other bigoted views. Culturally, we're awash in rhetoric about the indispensability of the family of origin even if preserving it creates psychologically and physically sick members. We believe it's so crucial that it may take the death of its children before anyone asks about a family's health. Far more children die in homes in the U.S. than are killed in our schools. © 2024 Robert N. Minor Other Issues, Books, Resources
Robert N. Minor, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus at the University of Kansas, is author of When Religion Is an Addiction; Scared Straight: Why It’s So Hard to Accept Gay People and Why It’s So Hard to Be Human; and Gay & Healthy in a Sick Society. Contact him at www.FairnessProject.org
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