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Menstuff® has compiled information and books on Gay, Bi, and Transgender issues. This section is Robert N. Minor's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. Robert is the author of Scared Straight: Why It's So Hard to Accept Gay People and Why It's So Hard to Be Human and Gay & Healthy in a Sick Society and Professor of Religious Studies at the University of Kansas in Lawrence. He may be reached through www.fairnessproject.org or at E-Mail. 2014 2013 2012 2011 2010 2009 2008 2007 2006 2005 2004 2025 Do the Letters in LGBTQI+ Have Anything to Do with a Community? Don't get me wrong: I like all the letters that could be added to become LGBTQI+. In fact, I think there should be more - the more the merrier. Now, that will drive copy editors and those who are worried that they won't know what the short-hand version is for referring to all those souls represented with even more letters even crazier. There are people already complaining about the length of the lists now. The problem for those who gripe about it is actually a fact of reality - there is so much diversity in the world about us. It seems obvious that Nature loves diversity. But the idea of diversity makes people who need to confine everything and everyone in nice, neat boxes uncomfortable. It's hard to admit that hardly anyone fits into a couple of our familiar, settled categories. The reactionary response to those who embrace the latest science of gender and sexuality in which those old categories that were accepted about gender are exposed as obsolete is a current example. That we know so much more about human complexity than what was taught back in high school biology class contradicts the rhetoric of regressive politicians who scare us for their own purposes by playing on our emotional need to hang on to the well-worn, if outdated, ideas conditioned into us. Those who are brave enough to come out as non-binary, transgender, or anything that challenges our old thinking about gender roles have therefore become lightning rods for the fear that we instead need to reimagine what we've so far just internalized about anyone not straight-acting, straight-looking, or straight-thinking enough. As I've been writing for decades, our society's definition of "straight" is an obligatory cultural performance imposed on anyone no matter what their sexual orientation or gender identity. "Straight is not the same as "heterosexual." Heterosexual is one possible orientation - "straight" is the role even they have to learn to live out of the fear that if they don't, they'll be treated as LGBTQ+ people still are. If two self-identified heterosexual men decide to express their friendship by holding hands as they walk down most streets in the U.S., they're still likely to be treated to the scorn, and even violence, gay men experience. And even the letter "T" in any list doesn't represent one single, quickly defined, personal identity. There is no standardized transgender community of those who self-identify with the "T." And that is true for what we're trying to include with the use of any one of those letters. No wonder people are shocked when someone they find out is included in one of those categories doesn't fit their ingrained preconceptions. The idea that there is something like a "gay male community," for example, assumes that all gay men agree on what that looks like and also that it functions like a community where working together, identifying with the others, and supporting each other against outside forces, hold it together. One only need to looks at the self-identified gay together. One only need to looks at the self-identified gay men in the current administration or the rich right-wing gay men who supported its election to see that they have little interest in community with those not rich enough, straight-acting enough, or even anti-some of the other letters enough to be thought of as brothers in their struggles and identity. Economic class, race, nationality, age, ability, and other factors that are used to divide the larger society also divide each of those letters as well as all of them combined. President Lyndon Johnson recognized that, putting it bluntly: "If you can convince the lowest white man he's better than the best colored man, he won't notice you're picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he'll empty his pockets for you." The powerful have always seen that creating divisions among everyday people over identities is one of the best ways to keep them fighting with each other so they're too divided to become a powerful force. And today one political party has learned that if it can continue to blame and scapegoat LGBTQI+ people to the masses, the focus on them will protect the party's power. The work of becoming anything like a recognized community, if that's what we want, requires recognition of what now divides us into ineffectiveness as well as doing the hard personal work of facing it in our own daily lives. "Coming out" with an identity is only a beginning, not a guarantee of health. One of the common risks of finally identifying with one of those letters is the feeling that your own letter isn't getting enough attention or being taken seriously enough - as if there's a scarcity of attention to go around. Historically, this has been the case when we've faced the other isms in society. That can also keep us separated from those other letters if we can't also empathize with their struggles. The good news is that larger communities can be created - what's learned can be unlearned. It begins with the belief that one is a member of a larger group and by defining that group as bigger than oneself and mere personal advancement. As author/activist Grace Lee Boggs put it: "Building community is to the collective as spiritual practice is to the individual." But currently, the idea that there is an LGBTQI+ community with common interests just doesn't fit. There are many communities, and they'll need to be able to work together. They'll need to face the multiple issues of oppression in our society and have the humility to listen, believe, and be an ally to those in those other letters. Let's be thankful to organizations that are actually attempting to build bridges. Let's be allies with them as they make their way through a society based not on community but divisiveness, the feeling that there's a scarcity of resources to go around, and that fear of the diversity among us that Nature seems to cherish.
Are You Taking Care of Yourself During this Scary New Backlash?
The politics of those leading this backlash from the top down are blatantly ugly, openly mean, and marked by unbelievable cruelty. "Vengeance" is a key word in many of their minds and the most extreme talk is about the further marginalization, criminalization, and even elimination of those who have been members of marginalized groups in the past. Things don't look good, and in almost all sectors of society, major judicial and political institutions, dominant corporations, radical and loud religious sects, and the power-hungry are supporting those who lead the backlash or are too afraid to fight against it. LGBTQ people, people of color, recent immigrants, and women are rightfully concerned about what this all means for their livelihoods, relationships, healthcare, families, and public existences. It's no wonder that people are afraid, at times feeling hopeless, and wondering what the best strategy is in the light of what feels like a dark cloud descending upon us. So many of us have a sort of PTSD from paying attention to what seems to be crueler and more openly racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and xenophobic talk that the Party now in charge uses to exploit its followers, and which mainstream corporate media seem to accept as just another opinion. This is not the time to spout a toxic positivity that minimizes and even shames the real fear people have. So much of misplaced "everything will be okay" talk actually demeans those who feel a real sense of entering a dark tunnel. And many who've been around long enough not only remember what the bad old days were like but fear that today's backlash could be worse. Where, then, does our response begin while taking care of our lives and loved ones during what threatens to be dangerous times for many. Here are some thoughts to begin with that I hope are helpful without being just more trite talk. Now is the time to focus on the present and not obsess about what might be in the future. We need to be clear about what is actually happening instead of bathing in the corporate media punditry of those who change their "expertise" on a dime but who know little more than we do about the future. Corporate media is seldom our friend - and, remember, most social media is corporate-owned. Their valued customers are their corporate sponsors, their beneficiaries are their share-holders, and their product is delivering our eyeballs to their sponsors. We've seen again and again that their go-to method to keep those eyes watching is to promote fear and its accompanying anger. There are some sensible things that can be done to prepare for any possibilities, but for our own health our focus needs to be on what is happening now. If we miss the present - it's joys and challenge - we're losing the only part of our life that is still guaranteed. Reject taking personal responsibility for what is happening. The fact that you are the race, color, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or nationality you are is not the cause of this. The backlash wants you to believe this is your fault - it's something you've done or who you are. Instead, fully embrace that bigotry is the cause, and raising guilt in the minds of the victims is not helpful - or healthy - at all. The right-wing loves guilt, spreads it widely, invents religious justifications for it, and uses it to discourage its enemies. "Guilt, a seemingly noble expression of justice, is a useful control mechanism for those protecting their power and prejudice. And, even for the less powerful, dwelling on one's own guilt helps us feel that we're in control of what we probably are not." Make it a priority to take all the time and energy you need to make sure you are safe. Reject guilt and pressure here too. Come "out" only where, when, and to whom you feel it's safe. Make sure you are out to those who affirm you and have your back. At work, don't expect the Human Resources Department to have your back. In these days when many corporations are cutting back diversity, equality, and inclusion initiatives to align with the new anti "DEI" administration, remember, as one HR director told me, that HR works for the corporation, not the employee. This means that no individual interaction requires you to have all the right answers or best responses ever. At times it's more important to walk away then to continue to engage. Create and embrace a face-to-face community of people as your primary social network. Most social media has become a place for toxic ego-defending commentary, not caring, helpful, humane, and informed interaction. This new era has made so much of online social media safe for mean people to hide from interacting with others as real people, making it easier there to attack and demean others, spread falsehoods, promote even known false information, "own the libs," critique those even on one's own side in the broader fight, and destroy institutions and leaders. There is little accountability, but it can win people to one's cause, no matter how misguided the cause is, especially if it "goes viral." Connect instead with those you can trust, people whom you know don't just accept something because they saw it on the internet, people who recognize that they themselves are not experts in a field and, thus, seek out expert (not just "doing their own research" on the internet) opinion, and, most importantly, people who have the wisdom to correct the mistakes they make. One of the marks of old-fashioned, good journalism was the willingness of sources to print retractions to correct those inevitable mistakes. Right now these reminders might seem to be little things. But, they'll help get us through no matter what any future holds.
Now Isn't the Time to Criticize Leadership in LGBTQ+ Communities With the increased political and social pressures and threats against LGBTQ+ people these days, it's not the time to do anything that would discourage leadership. But the fact that criticism of activist leaders is a predictable response even in less threatening environments means it's something anyone who tries to lead or speak out for a group that's been hurt by society is likely to experience. So, if you ever try to do anything that might be seen as leadership in LGBTQ+ communities, you're going to be ridiculed, accused of all sorts of evil motives, and just plain attacked from within. And it's most likely to happen in the most public of forums. Have you tried to lead a pride festival? Well, you haven't done it right. Tried to edit a newsletter or magazine? You're misusing your power. Stood up to find yourself the public spokesperson for a cause? You aren't qualified to speak for us. Started a movement? You don't even have yourself together. Your motives are suspect. Your income is ill-gotten. Your personal life disqualifies you. Your ego is too big. (Imagine, thinking you can improve things!) You must have something to hide. You've stolen some of your ideas. You've left someone out. You're making "straight" people like us less or criticize us more. You're taking too long or moving too quickly. We do this. We do it often, and many of us seem to find our emotional stride in doing so. We take on an air of righteous indignation when we do. This negative crusade becomes our life instead of creating positive alternatives. Sociologists know this as a classic victim role activity. It's easier to pick on each other and eat your own than fight the larger society. Instead of assuming the best of our leaders, oppression itself has taught us to jump on every flaw, point out when they haven't done it eloquently enough, over-react to every mistake, and end up destroying what could have been good for all of us. In my over thirty years of activism I've seen it happen over and over - to churches, bookstores, magazines, projects, community centers, and movements that were standing up for us against larger cultural forces. It's the reason I recommend in my workshops teaching healthy activist leadership that leaders take on their cause for what they personally will get out of it. Forget the idea that that thought is selfish - leadership begins when you see a need to end something that is hurting you. If I lead just to help those other people, I might feel quite charitable for a while, even energized. But I'll soon learn that victimized people seldom have much personal space to say thank you. They're still fighting their own external and internalized oppression. Our communities have so much healing of personal hurts to do, that they have a hard time accepting what's done at face value. They've been so hurt by the motives and actions of others that they begin with the expectation that this will be more of the same. And, even more than most Americans, hurting people have a difficult time beginning with the assumption that those who lead, even doing so successfully, have good intentions, are trying their best, and will make mistakes. The first thing someone living in the victim role does when there appears to be some problem with the activities of a leader is what psychologists call "triangulation." Instead of going directly to the leader, asking them what they meant to do, assuming they meant well, and offering to work with the leader, they find others to discuss the issue with and agree with them that the leader has done something dastardly. Having a pack of others gives one courage, validates one's stance, and creates a whole group of people who get along because they have in common that they haven't gone helpfully to the leader either. It's all very tacky. It's all very common. What would it be like if we didn't begin by acting out of our societally conditioned victim role? First, we would be facing, not denying, our own internal issues so we were not acting out of our unhealed past hurts. When we can take a relaxed, learning stance toward things, instead of reacting, even over-reacting, to others, and when we can assume the best of those who try to lead until we have heard and spoken with them, we will not be living as victims reacting to what leaders do. Second, we can assume the best of our leaders until we have personally listened carefully to their side of the story. We ask them: "Help me understand this." When we don't assume the best, we are reacting to our own past experience and not present realities. We are reacting negatively to protect ourselves because we don't want to be hurt, ridiculed, abandoned, or have our hopes destroyed again. Third, we will allow our leaders to make mistakes. If we expect our leaders to wait until they will do something perfectly, we'll get nothing done. As Melody Beattie, the author of numerous books on codependency put it: "Perfectionism leads to procrastination, which leads to paralysis." In most cases, something done ineloquently is actually better than nothing. Fourth, we would always follow with the next thought: What can I do to make this better? Should I offer to help? Should I offer other support to someone over-worked? If I do begin my own alternative, though, it should not be motivated by just being against the other. We can step out of the victim role to use our energies to end the oppression of LGBTQ+ people or we can fight among ourselves while society grinds on. It's our choice, and a crucial one now that we face who knows what backlash to all we've gained. Sadly, fights among those on our side are more likely the more things seem more threatening around us. But even more so now, we can't afford to participate in them. © 2025 Robert N. Minor Other Issues, Books, Resources Robert N. Minor, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus at the University of Kansas, is author of When Religion Is an Addiction; Scared Straight: Why It’s So Hard to Accept Gay People and Why It’s So Hard to Be Human; and Gay & Healthy in a Sick Society. Contact him at www.FairnessProject.org
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