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Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the
issue of Relationships. This section is an archive of a
weekly column featured daily on our homepage by husband and
wife psychology team, Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski.
They live in Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5 PM and
Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com.
December 24-30 If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we
would find sorrow and suffering enough to dispel all
hostility. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1857) Loving Endearments Write a love letter to your special someone and put it in
a gift box. Then wrap it up like a regular present and add
it to any other gift(s) you're giving to your
spouse/lover. Make sure to describe all the wonderful ways this person
blesses your life. Be romantic, be generous, be
heartfelt! If money is tight this year, the two of you might agree
that you'll both do this instead of buy things. And what a joy your children will have, hearing how much
mom and dad love one another, when they hear you read your
letters out loud. The New Intimacy One year when we were first married, we had no plans for
Christmas Eve and wanted to do something fun and romantic.
Since we'd already purchased gifts for one another and they
were wrapped and under the tree, shopping didn't seem to be
on the agenda. But we hit on an adventure that we still recall with warm
affection. Neither of us had ever explored the wacky and
wild stores on Melrose Blvd in Los Angeles So we set out in
our rain gear to walk up one side and down the other of that
uncharted territory. People of all sorts were doing their last minute shopping
so the urge to buy things was pretty compelling. Here's how
we solved our desire to not overspend and yet embrace the
romance of the moment. We set a $5 maximum on what we could spend on one another
during this auxiliary shopping spree and we agreed to leave
any store when told to do so by the other so surprises could
be bought in private. We must have shopped for a couple of hours from about 6-8
and then we found a cozy place for dinner. But before that
we laughed and ran around hiding our treasures (bear shaped
soap/50 cents for Jim, tiny movie clapper board photo
frame/$1 for Judith, for example) truly filled with the
spirit of the holidays and delighting in the free form
romance we were creating out of impulse and imagination. What zany idea comes to mind that would bring new
intimacy and romance into your life this holiday season?
Traditional celebrations can be lovely, but the ones you
invent yourselves are the best! Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, JIM I am 26 and am in love with a man who is 50. He is my
soul mate, the love of my life, I honestly feel we were
meant to be with one another. I have one issue though. One
of which USED to be a HUGE issue, but have dealt with it and
has minimized itself. He and I have been together for a few
years. We live together and he has a daughter older than I.
So for the obvious reasons, he has no desire to have more
children. I used to want children. But now that I found him,
children will not exist. In the beginning, this was a blow
for me. I wanted children. I wish I could have met him years ago
to have children with him. He is such a wonderful Father and
a strong hearted and headed man. And more and more, as the
time goes by, having children really became something that
was not a "want" for me like it used to be. I think that
that was because I realized the fact that there is only one
person out there for each of us and he is the one for me. No
matter what goes with it. Or in this case, doesn't go with
it. So for whatever reason, having children really never was
in my future. Does this seem possible? Or am I trying to make myself
comfortable with this theory, to accept that I will never be
a Mom, because I am so in love with him? I have always been
a firm believer in Fate. And I feel that Fate has brought me
here today, in this relationship I am in. To be in love with
this man who is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
So, is it possible for my theory to be truthful? That there
is only one person for everyone and that He is mine,
therefore children will not be? I had accepted this
entirely, but then when I moved in with him, my mom brought
back a lot of feelings that I had buried. I just want to be
sure......... I could never imagine my life without him.
Sincerely, The Fate Within..... Dear Fate Within, We would suggest you examine your need to have "Fate" be
the responsible party for your choice to be with this man.
You could be with other men for their positive and wonderful
attributes, feel deeply loved and love them in return. There
is no one-and-only for each of us. You've found a terrific guy and feel blessed to be with
him -- and have chosen to stay. Any time we marry or give
our long-term commitment to a relationship we will never
have everything we want. That is one of the tests of
love. So, the question to you is: Do you love your man enough
to be with him - as is. And that means you choose not to
have children. That is your question to. And, by the way you
write about your relationship, you seem to have answered
it. Congratulations on being available for such a wonderful
love! © 2001 The New Intimacy A good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is
built on some of the same rules. The partners do not need to
hold on tightly, because they move confidently in the same
pattern, intricate but happy, swift and free. Anne Morrow
Lindbergh Loving Endearments Why wait until your beloved's funeral to gather everyone
together for the purpose of honoring his or her life? Why not do it while the Honoree is still alive! We're suggesting a new celebration: The Sweet Sixty-five
Party. Not just any regular birthday celebration, but a time to
pay special respect to the guest of honor. Hold the event at a place that is special to the birthday
person. That might mean holding the party in a bowling
alley, at the beach, in a movie theater (off hours), out in
a garden, on a boat, or perhaps even in a boardroom. Then make sure to have all the Honoree's favorite
refreshments. That might mean waffles, pineapple pizza, and
banana bread for dinner. Or perhaps it would be mini-tacos,
M & Ms, and corn fritters for nibbles before the giant
butter pecan ice cream cake for dessert. Show the person you
love that you really know what they love to eat. And tell your guests ahead of time to prepare the eulogy
they would ordinarily deliver only after the person is gone.
After everyone has arrived, and at a time that fits well
with all you've planned for the party, seat your beloved in
the place of honor. Then one-by-one, introduce each guest
and explain the special relationship each has to the
birthday person, followed by that person's Living
Eulogy. Now the main point of the Sweet Sixty-five Party is for
the very alive person to receive all that praise and love
when he or she can hear it!!! (You may want to tape record
and/or video this love-praise celebration as an additional
gift for future enjoyment.) And there's no need to wait until a 65th birthday to turn
a special celebration into a large group loving
endearment. The New Intimacy This edition of The New Intimacy is in response to an
email we received from our subscriber Isobel Phillips who
live in Kent England, who commented on our new book,"Be
Loved for Who You Really Are." She wrote "Your book is
awesome and has become my road-map out of The Clash! " It is critical to understand that when people clash,
whether they are in a romantic relationship or they are two
countries fighting a war, the process is the same. They
become entrenched in their own point of view, are unwilling
to be changed by the other person, and are insisting that
their way is the only way. No matter how seemingly
insignificant the clash, the elements are the same. For a relationship to thrive, we have to be open to the
reality that the other person will be different in many
ways, AND those differences are what make us who we are.
When we insist that the other be what we want them to be, we
are inflicting emotional and spiritual violence. We are
saying that who the other person is is not acceptable and,
in so doing, we deny the other person's right to be. That
is, at basis, what the clash is all about. Not about the
content but about having been denied the right to be. Isobel Phillips continues: My situation is a little
unusual in that I'm in the UK and my significant other is in
the US. We met online nearly 3 years ago, we talk on the
phone just about every day and we've had two visits. He's 51
and I'm 48 and we're working on being together as soon as we
can (which means I'll be moving to the US). He's a
psychologist who followed his dream of being in a rock band
until recently and I'm a Software Development manager for an
IT solutions company. Neither of us has been married before
and we're both VERY independent and strong-willed. Add to
that the frustration of a long distance relationship and
maybe it's not too surprising that "Clash" describes our
communication style only too often! I'm more controlling and judgmental than he is, but he's
pretty good at resisting my attempts! :) I'm learning that
it's ok for him to think differently from me, or to do
things on his time frame rather than mine - and "Be Loved"
is really helping me to let him be who he is. Bravo Isobel and thanks again for sharing your love story
with us all. Yes, we must help each other allow one another to be who
we are. When we do, that is a loving challenge to our
partner and to ourselves. Because for any love to be
trustworthy it must be for who we are, otherwise we can
never be truly loved or secure in our relationship. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I have been with the love of my life for almost 12 years.
But we are not married. We have two children 8 and 3. He has
often asked me about my views on marriage. I have told him
that really I don't feel you have to be married to someone
to make a commitment that I feel that true commitment comes
straight from the heart and from within that person. Not a
ring or a fancy wedding. I guess my views are like this due
to my family's history of marriage. I am kind of scared to
get married afraid that I too will lose what is so precious
to me and what I have had for so many years. Our
relationship has been great and has grown so much everyday
that it doesn't even feel like its been 12 years. I don't
know what I will do if he does ask. Do you think that
getting married will bring anymore love or commitment to
this relationship. Scared and in love Dear Scared, You clearly have a view of marriage that threatens you.
So, if you marry with that view in your unconscious, it will
surface directly or indirectly and, if you are not aware of
it when it does, it will sabotage you. Now, this doesn't
have to happen. Should you get married, talk with him
beforehand about your apprehension. Tell him all the images
and feelings you have about what marriage was like in your
family. Enlist him as an ally to help you see clearly
whenever your unconscious wants to rule. Let him help you
leave your family behind and continue to create the life you
have together. Marriage is a public ceremony that announces to the world
the intentions of the couple to be together. Some people
live long together without ever marrying. However, we
believe that marriage adds a dimension that cannot otherwise
be achieved. Whenever any of us is strong enough in our commitment to
make it public, we automatically add a level of
responsibility beyond our self and beyond just the two
people. That commitment binds us as a couple to the
community. As much as we pride individualism in the United States,
the dimension of community is foundational to society as
well as to marriage itself. We are no longer responsible
only to our personal feelings and intentions, we enter into
an alliance with those around us, beginning with family,
then neighborhood, all the way to the larger society itself.
In that way, marriage is an institution that transcends self
and connects us to the larger world. Having been together for 12 years, you are demonstrating
the depth of your commitment to one another. Do your
children know? If not, why not? If so, have you thought
about what will happen should your children's friends
discover that you are not married? What would the impact of
that be? More importantly, you are trapped by your own fears. And,
even though you've been together for 12 years, the issue of
marriage doesn't seem to be going away. So, first, for your
own personal sake, we suggest you look into those fears and
try to resolve them, just for your own peace of mind. Then
you can re-visit the idea of marrying your man from a sense
of security. And then, whatever decision you make, it will
no longer haunt you as it is doing now. © 2001 The New Intimacy People respect wisdom, but obey pain. - Michael
Levine Loving Endearments The other day Jim announced that he was making breakfast,
including eggs and bacon. He asked Judith if she wanted some
and she said no. But once the cooking began, Judith was entranced by the
succulent aromas of bacon, frying crisp, wafting up to my
second floor office. She was being seduced by the crackling
bacon. Jim finished cooking and set about to enjoy his
breakfast. Just then Judith came downstairs into the
kitchen, and asked "Is there any extra bacon?" Jim was struck by how sheepish she was abd how coy she
was being. So to protect his precious bacon he firmly said,
"No, there's none left" without glancing up from the
newspaper. Judith sighed. She looked like a puppy who'd been told to
go back outside in the rain. "That's okay," she sighed
again, trying to assureherself that she didn't really want
any bacon. Rethinking his position, Jim put his arm around Judith's
shoulder. "Hey, Judith," he whispered, "would this half
piece right here on the corner of my plate, would it do?"
Judith's eyes shot open wide. "Really?" she smiled. "It
would do just fine." "Well," Jim said, "it's all yours." Judith giggled and grabbed the crispy morsel. "You're the
best." And then she gave Jim a huge hug. That piece of bacon was one of the tastiest we'ed ever
shared.. Remember, even a small piece of bacon can feel just
like a Valentine. The New Intimacy It has been long accepted that love and pain are
inextricably linked. You can't have one without the other.
That pain takes many forms including unfulfilled longing,
sexual frustration, fears of rejection, and jealousy. In
many cultures, even today, passionate love, what is thought
only to exist in what we call The First Passage of Love,
that blissful, swept away feeling that brings transcendent
experience, is condemned as madness and thought to be poor
ground upon which to build a future. In several states in
the U.S. some religious leaders are calling for a return to
more controlled and constrained forms of courtship to avoid
these early passions in an attempt to insure that marriages
last a lifetime. And, let's be honest, love, whether
passionate or not, brings with it its own set of problems
and its own heartaches, even in the best of relationships,
so much so that many believe that sorrow is an essential
part of love. . .for example, the beloved will age and die.
But is that love's fault? Or are we using love, manipulating
it, contorting it, for other purposes than what love can
offer? However, the foundation of genuine emotional and
spiritual maturity is a full acceptance and surrender to the
reality that we live in on this earth and it is here that we
must learn to love. Whatever you believe about how and why we are here, the
fact is that while we are here we must face into and deal
with the pain and suffering that is part of this experience.
We cannot get through this life without tests and trials and
without plunging, sometimes, into the an emotional desert.
It is well know that those who do not run from the obstacles
and the dark moments learn from them and grow toward wisdom
and personal integrity. But, if there is pain with love, is that love's
fault? Well, yes and no. To the extent that love is part of the
human, earthly experience, it too will bring trails and
tests. But, to the extent that we refuse to accept that we
are here on earth and we strive to deny the reality of what
happens here, then we set up barriers to life and love and
our self-imposed barriers bring the deepest and most
excruciating pain. For example, one universal romantic notion is that lovers
intensely desire to merge with one another. Two become one.
And then lovers cry out because they cannot help but fall
short of such a union. But, is that the fault of love? Why would two people want to become one? Why would
someone want to lose themselves in another person and then
claim that as the highest achievement of love? If they are
successful in disappearing themselves into one another, who
is left to love and be loved? The deepest wisdom we can reach is to fully be where we
are. To do that we must accept the conditions of where we
are, honor and respect them and then build our lives
accordingly. In other words, love. That will present enough
problems without layering over it refusal, denial, and
fantasy. So often we fail to take responsibility for our
intentions and decisions, and then project responsibility
onto anything that will help us not see what we are
doing. Love is not always easy. But love is not the enemy. And
passionate love can be sustained when we cease clinging to
adolescent notions of what love is supposed to be like over
time (eternal skyrockets). Let love lead you through the challenges and celebrations
it has to offer until you grow in wisdom and respect for the
earthly experience you are in. Embrace it with whatever it
brings to you, and deepen the connection you feel to life
and to one another. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I writing in hopes that you may be able to shed some
light on what has been happening in my relationship. My
husband and I seem to be having some difficulty in
connecting intimately. We have known each other for approximately eight years,
we dated for about 6 of those years and have been married
for almost 1 year. At the beginning of our relationship we
were very intimate and could connect sexually with no
problem (lust). We continued to grow in our relationship and
had no problem for the first 4 1/2 years, during which I was
living at home and going to college. My mother discovered our relationship and was quite
upset, she proceeded to tell his mother. I was upset on how
she handled the situation and I felt that the best thing for
me to do was to move out of the house and get my own
apartment. Once I moved in to my apartment the problems
began. Making love was something that we didn't do like we
used to, it happened once every three weeks or once a month.
I tried to talk to him to see what the problem was but never
did I get an answer. I was upset and confused. I think it
may have been because of his mother and the fact that she
does not believe in sex before marriage. I still do not know
why we have this problem. It has been going on for about 2 1/2 years now and I was
hoping that upon marriage things would change. I used to
bother him about it, but now I just wait. Sometimes I can
wait a month, after awhile I can't help but drop hints here
and there. I have tried wearing sexy night gowns and planing
romantic evenings, but nothing seems to work. Also, I have noticed that he enjoys getting on the
internet to look at porno sites and watching our small
collection of porno movies without me. I don't know why he
does not feel the urge to connect with me like he used
to. He is still very affectionate with me and enjoys holding
me but anything more just doesn't interest him. Does it have
to do with his mother? Please help. Frustrated Dear Frustrated, You were making love for the 4 1/2 years that your mother
did not know about the relationship. So there was a quality
of hiding and a quality of being illicit about what you were
doing. So then you moved into your own apartment and began
to conduct an above-board life and the sex faded. Now he is enjoying pornography and does so alone.
Regardless of whether or not porn is legally available on
film and on the net, there is still an illicit quality about
watching it. It requires one to enjoy being a voyeur, to
"snoop" unnoticed on what are supposed to be private acts.
That is what, in part, adds to the excitement of watching
porn. In fact, after you've seen one porn film there's
nothing left to see, except that some films become truly
degenerate as the way to hook the buyer. Also, before your relationship was known to her world, he
was making love and breaking the law...the law of his
mother. So again there was a quality of being a bad boy and
getting away with it. Because he is still affectionate and you are still
otherwise close, we suggest therapy for him, preferably in
the form of couples counseling at first to bring to
consciousness the issues we've just pointed out. This is not
about sex but about sneaking, about getting away with
something, about rebelling and breaking the law, whose ever
law is relevant. . . society's, his mother's, or his own
internal constraints. We wish you the best. © 2001 The New Intimacy Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative
force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move
toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us
unfold and expand. Dr. Karl Menninger Loving Endearments Challenging your partner can be a loving endearment. Most people think that a challenge is about competition
or even worse about win/lose. But if you love someone and
you truly care for their well being, then you may have to
challenge them when you see them doing something you know,
and perhaps even they know, is not for their own good. Judith does not react well to processed or refined foods.
But she enjoys an occasional treat of ice cream which is
usually made with refined sugar. JIM: I not only feel no concern, but feel it is my loving
obligation to remind Judith, when she says she wants a
single scoop of vanilla chocolate chip, her favorite, that
she will not have a pleasant reaction. More so, she is
making a choice that goes against her own well being. If she
insists, I will raise the stakes by challenging her to stay
true to her word, that she doesn't really want the ice-cream
but has been taken over by a momentary craving, usually an
indication that she's feeling put-upon or victimized and
wants comfort in the form of a sweet. JUDITH: If I persist, Jim backs off because we both know
that my reaction will not be long-lasting and physically it
will be little more than unpleasant. But I respect and
cherish his commitment to bring my behavior to my attention.
And there are many times when the situation is reversed and
I have to challenge him. Those are loving challenges intended to keep us
conscious. Don't be afraid to challenge your partner's behaviors. If
you really care about her/him, you will be expressing your
love in a very direct and determined manner. And, by the
way, that is real love, a love the two of you can trust for
the long run. The New Intimacy Co-Created Means Equal Input From the very first minute you meet, you begin teaching
each other who you are. What you want or don't. What you'll
accept or won't. What you're interested in or not. This
happens consciously or unconsciously, directly or
indirectly. And each of you has equal input as to how the
relationship takes form and expression. This fact is so
often misunderstood, it bears repeating: Each of you has
equal input on how the relationship takes form and
expression. You are not powerless, regardless of how it may
feel. Marsha and Stan had been married for eight years. He was
a plant foreman for a tire manufacturing company. She kept
house and raised their two children. They had adopted their
gender stereotypes without question. When they came to us,
he was fed up with his work and she felt imprisoned in the
house, and they were blaming each other. "He thinks all I'm good for is cleaning, washing, and
cooking." "When did I say that? When?" "Never. Okay. Never. But I can feel it from you." "It doesn't matter what I say. You can feel it, so that
must be the way it is, huh?" But they hadn't always been at
each other. To their friends they seemed like a normal
couple. And given the area in which they lived, they were.
He did the man things. She did the woman things, just like
everybody else in the neighborhood. "I'm feelin' suffocated, ya know?" Stan was weary. "I go
to this damn job every day and come home to . . ." He turned
to Marsha. "When did it go bad? For you, I mean. What did I
do?" His openness and vulnerability filled the room. Marsha
softened. "He was the man, ya know," Marsha said. "I was raised to
listen. I never said nothin'. I did what he said." "How many times did I ask for your opinion? Huh?" Stan
sighed. "You left it to me. So I did what I thought was
best. Now she tells me I act like her boss. I can't win no
way." We were able to show them how they were collaborators in
the disappointment and repression they were feeling. It was
more difficult with Marsha because, on the surface, it
appeared that she was powerless. But every time she deferred
to Stan she was unwittingly teaching him to take charge.
When he did, he unknowingly affirmed her choice to submit.
They were a team, right from the start, stuck in the ways
they were raised to believe men and women were supposed to
behave. As your relationship evolves, at times you are either
actively influential suggesting, requesting, pretending,
planning, negating, and initiating behaviors and activities
or, at other times, you are passive going along, putting up
with, perhaps pouting and hiding your feelings. Whichever
approach you take, you are as powerful as your partner in
influencing your relationship, for better or worse. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I receive your ezine every week since I have been going
thru separation after twenty-one years of marriage. My husband was gone for a year to college, work related
and in the last months of school had an affair. It is still
going on. He left the house but since we have two kids
(young age) he continues to come as he pleases. The dilemma
is that he continues to say that he loves me very much but
that he got into this problem and wants to get out on his
own without hurting more people. He wants to work things out
but continues to see the other woman and spends evenings
together as well as week-ends on vacation. I have been very
patient because I love him and because of all this problem
he is being followed for depression and goes to counseling.
He is on medication and his behavior is better with less
verbal abuse towards the kids and I. However my question is
: Since I know that he continues with her but says that he
wants to work things out with me and his family, should I
continue to be patient or keep on with my life since I can't
trust him at the present? I know I could work things out and
start again, putting the past to the past. We have been
talking and intimate conversations have been part of it but
he still continues with his game. He says that that feeling
of being alive again is good. I understand that the passion
of an affair will not last, I don't think he understands
this but it's not up to me to make his decision. This is a
short version of the problem since it has been very
complicated but I would appreciate an answer. Still Waiting, Dear Still Waiting, Thanks for the opportunity to yet again talk about what
love is, . . . one of the most misunderstood experiences and
without doubt one of the most misused words in our human
vocabulary. He says he loves you. Given his behavior, what exactly
does that mean? Does feeling love give him license to
completely disrupt the life of your family and your
marriage? Does saying "I love you," override his actions and
allow him to wallow in confusion about what he wants? If he
does as he pleases, coming and going at his own whim, in
what way does the love he claims to have for you and the
kids take you and them into consideration? Saying "I love
you," is less than cheap when it is used as a protection for
wanton disregard. And you say you love him. Yes, after twenty-one years,
you have history, attachments, familiarity, rituals, habits,
and forgiveness. That create an aura of comfort, identity as
a couple, emotional and sexual intimacy, a sense of
understanding and being understood, and a personal treasury
of memories and feelings and we fear that when you say you
love him you are focusing on what has been and not giving
due attention to what is happening now. Love can only take root is what is real and can only be
sustained by what is real. Anything else is fantasy and is,
at best, adolescent, and, at worst, a dangerous denial that
is not merely heartbreaking, but humiliating and personally
demeaning.. In most cases, love is about feelings at the outset and
that's okay, because there is little else to go on. But if
love does not graduate to include actions that are based on
personal responsibility and accountability and being as good
as one's word, then love is not even a child's game but a
manipulation of our tenderest of hopes and a mockery of our
most vulnerable yearnings. So, before you decide what you will do, please take love
out of the equation. It will only cause you to underrate the
facts and make choices based on smoke and mirrors. Now, if he truly wants to work things out, you must
insist, for your own self-esteem, that he stop seeing the
other woman. Otherwise it will be impossible, to say nothing
of a fraud. If he won't or can't -- you must move on --
developing a new life for yourself and your kids. If you truly want to work things out, then you will have
to find out what happened in your marriage that contributed
to this situation and what in you is susceptible to "love"
such that you are even confused as to what to do. Both of
you have a lot of changing to do. Salvaging your marriage is not out of the question. But
the two of you are going to have to get your feet on the
ground and deal with what is. That's your only chance. We wish you the best. © 2001 The New Intimacy None of us ever know who may be watching when we are
affectionate and caring with those we love. Yet we can have
a real and life-changing impact without ever knowing about
it. As we finished an interview for a San Diego morning news
television broadcast, we had to take two steps down in order
to leave the set. Because of a torn retina, which, after
surgery, is now almost completely healed, Judith has some
lingering trouble with depth perception. Jim is always
careful to assist her when it comes to walking down steps.
So as we reached the two steps, he took Judith's hand. Just
then the female newscaster squealed with delight at how
romantic that was. For us it was so much a part of our life
that we were pleasantly surprised to be made aware by the
news-woman of what was a real loving endearment that we had
taken for granted. You never know what affect you may have on others, even
from the slightest gesture of affection. That's how powerful
real love can be. Because when we see it we know it, we feel
it, we are moved by it, and if even for a moment, the world
is a better place. The New Intimacy (This is an excerpt from "Be Loved.") Throughout history, our foremost spiritual teachers have
understood that to expand your consciousness, you have to go
through some kind of personal ordeal. An awakened vision
comes only after you squarely face into a demanding
challenge and then release and let go of whatever limiting
beliefs hold you back, even if they are those you treasure.
Then you open yourself to the new awareness that awaits on
the other side of your trial. When you do that, you move
into a larger and more encompassing consciousness, one that
inspires more empathy, more compassion, more of a sense of
unity with the diversity of life. You grow as you are able
to embrace that which is different from you. We're not suggesting that you have to become a mystic or
a religious leader to experience the spiritual dimensions of
your relationship. We are saying that when you embrace the
challenge of differences -- which is at the coreof spiritual
awakening -- you have the opportunity to grow each time
youand your partner find yourselves in a conflict. Spiritual change is not merely a change in appearance. It
is a metamorphosis, like carbon becoming diamond. That kind
of change cannot take place without struggle, without a
spiritual workout. Sometimes it takes a serious struggle
with a well-intentioned partner to wake us up. When you avoid conflict, you pass up the chance to know
yourself and your partner better. Since such knowledge is
required for intimate love, conflict can be a special
blessing. It's an adventure of practical spirituality
compelling you to move beyond being self-centered. Yet, at
the same time, you surely don't want to lose your
independence. You like your own habits, attitudes and quirky
ways of doing things. But here's the catch. Your partner
feels exactly the same way about his or her habits,
attitudes and quirky ways. So, t he point is to balance
intimacy and the desire to love and be loved with your need
for independence and autonomy. Here's a question to think about. "What do you do with
the ways the two of you are different, especially when those
differences spark anger and conflict?" This question applies
to those of you who are dating and those who've been long
married. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, Ok, I have been dating the same man for 18 months, he has
been through a very difficult divorce with me and was my
backbone in a lot of ways. He has been there for me to hear
my sorrows and to laugh with me, but there is one thing that
continues to trouble me. He has this habit of having me pay
for things that I don't feel I should. We had this problem
back close to a year ago and we ended up breaking up over it
and he said he would get better and to some extent he has,
but here lately it is getting back to old habits again. For
example, this one evening he asked me to go to dinner with
him and he flat out said he was buying and I said sure it
would be nice to get out, well, the place we went to only
excepted cash and he knew this, we had been there before.
Well, after we order our drinks he turns to me and says, "oh
no you know what?" and I was like, "You don't have any
cash." and sure enough he only had his debit card. So, I was like fine I will take care of it and he said he
would pay me back when we left. Now, granted I do not have a
problem paying for dinner but if he asks me I think he
should pay and if I ask him I feel that I should pay. So,
after dinner was over we went to the ATM so he could draw
out the money. Dinner was $25.00 approximately. We get to
the ATM and he drew out $30.00 and then hands me a $10.00
bill and says that should be my portion. I was dumfounded I
did not know how to react and me speaking from my mouth not
my mind I said, "Oh now I see how it is you ask ME to dinner
and we go dutch but if I ask YOU to dinner I pay..hmmm who
is getting shafted here." and he just looked at me. I could
even understand this more if I made more money than him to
some degree, but he makes nearly twice what I do. So is it right for me to feel discouraged in letting this
man move in with me? I have spoken to him about it and he even offered me
another $10.00, but that isn't the point, in my opinion he
should have given it to me without me having to say anything
about it due to consideration. Can I have another opinion on
this please? Thank you, Feeling Shafted in IL Dear Feeling Shafted, Be careful. You are shoulding on yourself and him. By
that we mean that whenever the world "should" comes up, it
is a real danger signal. In your case you say "in my opinion
he should have given it to me without me having to say
anything about it." That means he was supposed to know what
to do to satisfy you. But it sounds like you never gave him
the instructions. You just expected that he would know, that
he should know and so you "should" on him. This does not take him off the hook. He was not clear
with you either when he said he would repay you, suggesting
he would pay for the entire dinner, and what he meant was he
would pay for his half. And yes, social etiquette says that
the person who invites, pays. That's just a way of avoiding
awkward situations when the check arrives. Then you ask . . . "is it right for me to feel
discouraged in letting this man move in with me?" Again you
are setting yourself up for heartache. Why? Because you are
concerned in your letter to us only about his moving in you
are giving yourself away to this situation without taking
care of yourself. You are disempowering yourself. How? You are not asking how you might talk with him about what
irritates you and looking for a way to resolve this
difficulty. You are skipping by the problem your present and
leaping to another consideration. Moving in. What in you is
not looking at what is at hand? Can you live with him? Do
you want to? Is it good for you now? Yes he's been there for
you, but beware of being caught up in a rebound-infatuation.
You needed someone. He fulfilled your need. But is he
someone foe the long-haul or someone who was perfect in a
crisis? Finally, beware the "shoulds." He can't read your mind.
Tell him what you want and see how he responds. We know it's
been 18 months, but all of them spent during a crisis. Do
you really know each other? And how do two people get to
know each other? By revealing themselves. By asking for what
they want. By speaking up when they feel hurt' Stop the shoulds. Tell him how you feel. See what se says
and does and then ecide. © 2001 The New Intimacy This endearment was submitted by our subscriber Amy Last summer I was in my last trimester with our third
boy.I can't stand Kansas heat and humidity when I am not
pregnant and being so far along only made me more
miserable. We had the air conditioning fixed in our car, but then it
went kapput. Once again repaired; kapput. So we were driving
around in our old clinker van as it had better air flow and
was at least a little cooler. The only problem was my window
was VERY difficult to roll up once we got home for the
evening. I griped and moaned as I was rolling it up and finally
stopped rolling it down when we went anywhere. My husband noticed what I was doing and he said what
still seems like the sweetest thing. "Anytime you want to
roll the window down you can just leave it and I will roll
it back up when we stop." It was so truly sweet!! To this day, it just makes me
realize how the small things make love so precious! It's not
about passion or fire, it's the small things that keep me in
love! We just celebrated our 7 yr anniversary! P.S. I love this newsletter! Thank you so much for
putting out something for real people!!! The New Intimacy We hear so many complaints from women of all ages that
the man they love, whether boyfriend or husband, never
thinks to be romantic. Never sends flowers to them at their
office. Never brings home a great bouquet to help set the
scene for a big dinner party she's worked so hard to
prepare. And never gives her a single long-stem rose "just
because." Why is this complaint so common? After all, florists are all too happy to help people
select something. So ignorance about flowers can't be the
problem. And the lack of money isn't the problem in the
multitude of complaints we've listened to. However, one of the noticeable roadblocks we've seen too
many times to call it chance, is women's difficulty in
receiving love gifts, in this case flowers. In one instance, the boyfriend brought her a gorgeous
bouquet for her birthday, yet all she could do was complain
that she was allergic to one of the lilies in the mix, as if
he should have known that ahead of time. Then there's the
time that the husband had to be out of town for their
anniversary so he ordered flowers to be delivered to his
wife by a local florist on their special day. While the wife
thanked him for his thoughtfulness, he was deeply
disappointed that she focused more on how that particular
florist overcharged for everything. One woman pitched a fit
at her fiancé when he had Valentine's flowers
delivered to her home rather than to the office where she
could show them off to her office mates. Men have no easier time receiving love gifts, flowers or
otherwise. Make no doubt about it. And many men would love
to receive the romance of flowers from their wife or
girlfriend. But for this limited space we've focused on
women to make our point. The point is that in the new intimacy, receiving the love
that is given to you, even and especially when it arrives in
an unfamiliar form, is one of the most romantic and intimate
behaviors you can offer to your beloved, your relationship,
and yourself.. And you can do that consciously for the rest
of your life! Certainly you may need to educate about allergies,
overcharging, and a preference for office deliveries, but
don't sabotage the love moment by complaining and
criticizing instead of receiving. Save the request for
change for another time. When love comes to call on you, whether it's in the form
of flowers, hugs, chores done around the house, and so many
other ways, surrender to receiving, open your heart to
receiving, make love out of bed by receiving the love that
is given to you! Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I just discovered your newsletter and am enjoying it
immensely. I have just begun a relationship and am troubled
over the nature of chemistry and passion. After a 5-hour first date for dinner during which we had
a wonderful time, my new friend told me he was not feeling
great physical chemistry. This, despite saying he found me
very attractive, bright, funny, and an amazing woman with
the qualities he's looking for. This man was divorced 3
years ago, after a marriage that lacked true sexual passion,
although they did engage in purely sexual encounters without
emotional engagement. My friend has said he expected to feel a powerful surge
of attraction immediately, otherwise he would feel he would
be repeating the attern with his wife. Although he enjoys
kissing, touching, holding, and caressing me, and even
enjoys strong arousal from our contact, he maintains his
feelings of passion are not as strong as he feels they
should be. We've known each other for ONLY 9 days, and we have both
shared that we already have feelings of love, as well as
deep respect and admiration for the other, based on our
understanding of each other's character, qualities, and our
mutual desire for a long-term, committed relationship. He
has acknowledged he feels that perhaps he is not ABLE to
give himself over to reckless passion, or to kiss with
abandonment. He also says that for him, sex is either very
gentle and tender, or blatantly sexual. Help! I'm now so confused. Is it realistic for him to
expect to feel such strong passion so soon? He has said I'm
the type of woman he's always dreamed of and can envision a
life with me, even having another child together. Any light
you can shed on this would a great help. Thanks so much. K Dear K, Your new love seems to be caught in the psychological
madonna-whore split in the way he views women. Either he has
blatantly sexual sex with a "whore" and has no feelings of
care or tenderness or he loves someone but unconsciously
sees her as a "madonna" and cannot surrender to abandoned
passion. This split is not uncommon among men. He also is not acknowledging the fear he may be feeling
at being so attracted to you and finding you so desirable in
all other ways. That too is common, for both men and women.
It is the fear of intimacy, not just of being exposed but of
experiencing a depth of feeling that takes us beyond
anything we've ever imagined. As much as we all desire
intimacy, it comes with a price, the price of depth and awe
and surrender. We applaud his open discussions with you about his
concerns and lack of wild arousal. However, he seems to not
understand that sexual passion is something that has to be
learned about and developed between two people. If not at
first, certainly after the relationship is secure and
committed. Then both people have to bring more of their
vulnerability to their lovemaking in order to keep it
meaningful, romantic, and exciting. To think that instant chemistry will take over and be the
harbinger of deep love is naive. Chemistry can take over,
most often when someone is young (although not always).
However, as delicious as chemistry can be, it is impersonal.
That's why we call it "chemistry." Our biology takes over
and we're along for the ride whether we like it or not. Full and meaningful lovemaking is the result of trust,
exploration, desire, humility, excitement, gratitude,
passion, and the flow if the heart. That doesn't happen
overnight and it can only happen through a conscious and
willing commitment to be present for one another over
time. Please discuss these issues with your man. And be sure to
ask him how he has come to believe that he cannot give
himself over to strong passion and abandoned love-making.
Why is he in hiding? Where did he learn to dampen his
sexuality and then demand that high arousal be the test of a
relationship? And, most important, is he willing to engage
in the creative, romantic, and highly intimate lovework of
developing a mutually satisfying sex life with you? We wish you the best. It sounds like you have the start
of something that could be quite wonderful, as long as he
doesn't use his "instant lust" criteria to sabotage your
relationship. There is nothing like a dream to create the future.
Victor Hugo © 2001 The New Intimacy As you all know, we take the experience of love, intimacy
and relationship very seriously. In fact all three have been
so trivialized in recent years through sitcoms, superficial
movies, and a tragic lack of understanding for what it takes
to co-create and keep a long-term, supportive, and loving
relationship growing and ever romantic. Yet at the same
time, the expectations of what a relationship can deliver
have never been higher. So most people are pulled in
opposite directions. On the one hand they want a great deal from their
relationships; while at the same time they assume that what
they want will somehow just happen and that they don't have
to do much to get what they want. The result is terrible
.heartache, resentment, and anger with the other gender and
often a sense of hopelessness with love and a feeling of
having been deceived. That's why we write what we write and that's why we are
so determined to get our message out there. The truth is that every human being deserves to be looked
at in this way at least once in a lifetime. . . loved and
venerated for what is authentically divine in him or her.
Suzanne Lilar The New Intimacy How many times have you been upset about something and
your spouse or date didn't take you seriously? They might've
even been trying to make you feel better, but instead, you
felt overlooked or ignored and, instead of feeling better,
you felt invisible! Well, given the temperatures in the teens and below,
we're in the season for indoor mice. The little guys need to
burrow in somewhere warm and cozy with a good food supply,
sort of like our kitchen. Judith can't stand the mice and
the tell tale evidence of their visitations. Jim accepts
them as part of country life and though he'd rather they not
come in, when they do he doesn't get as upset. We'd heard from a radio host who lives in an old
farmhouse in Minnesota that mice hate the smell of Bounce,
the fabric softener people put in the dryer. The other day
while Judith was cooking dinner, Jim put sheets of Bounce
all around and especially in the kitchen drawers where the
mice love it best. He knew and respected Judith's concerns.
If he'd been living alone, he might or might not have
bothered to put Bounce in the drawers. But Judith is part of
his consciousness and her concern with the mice made it his
concern as well. What gesture can you offer to your partner that honors
his or her concerns -- especially when they are not what you
might consider important. It just takes making the other
person's needs as meaningful to them as yours are to you.
Then, doing something for them is not an effort but a
pleasure -- for both of you! © 2001 The New Intimacy But, as we grow up, chronologically, at least, our
internal sense of self is supposed to emerge. But there's no
guarantee of that happening. Many of us remain hooked to
outside stimulation and cannot hear the whispered prodding
of our own soul. But intimacy is about sharing what we're like inside and
receiving what our partner shows about his or her inside.
How do we develop an inside, a sense of self from which we
can have something to share, to be intimate? By "inside" we don't mean ideas you've learned from
books, or opinions you've snatched from someone else. And we
don't just mean feelings, which are indisputably yours -- if
you can recognize them, that is. A sense of self begins to
grow when you consciously decide to shift from the habit of
looking out to others to stimulate you and begin to rely on
your inner Self. To do that, at first you need to be quiet. Not just
silent, but still. The craving for outside stimulation needs
to cease being dominant. Initially, it will feel like nothing's happening, like
your life has just shut down. At that point, many people
panic and go looking for an energy fix. What they get is
just energy. Perhaps high energy, like loud music, but just
energy. When things shut down, that's the time to turn your
attention inward and listen -- with your imagination, your
intuition, your sense perception. Become intimate with your
presence in the world. If you persist, the quiet deepens and
you will become more and more secure with your own internal
landscape. And then the sweetest intimacy will open itself
to you, an intimacy with your Self, with others, with life,
with God, with being. A sense of profound connectedness will
emerge, a sense of the Eternal in the mundane, of the
extraordinary in the simplest events of your day. And you
will feel a closeness that only poetry can begin to convey -
a deep quiet closeness that is always present. Let go the habits of childhood and step into your own
soul. © 2001 The New Intimacy "Proud," Jim said. "Proud and powerful," Judith answered. We both knelt next to it, captivated, surrendering to an
unexpected meditation. So unseen this little red miracle was, so out of the way,
and that didn't matter at all. Appreciated or not, it gave
all it had to its life. "Can we give everything," Jim whispered, "even if what we
do goes unacknowledged?" "Especially if it goes unacknowledged!" Judith
smiled. "I'd like that," Jim said, taking Judith by the hand. "To
live for the sheer experience of being alive." We felt small next to this giant flower and, although we
hadn't said a word, we knew we were suddenly filled with
deep longing. Intimacy is like that, you know. When we allow ourselves
to open and connect, intimacy can be an unexpected teacher,
taking us into unacknowledged places in our self. Whenever any of us stops long enough to open, to feel the
tenderness that is at the core of being alive, the magic of
the mystery appears - right there, wherever we are. That little red flower became a portal, a threshold into
the world of the ordinary and the sacred, into something
completely expected and yet utterly surprising. That's the
pleasure and the reward of real intimacy. It takes you
through what you already know out beyond your
imagination. We stayed with that flower for some minutes, each in our
own silence. And then, as though on cue, we rose, and walked
hand in hand back to the house. There are opportunities all around you, right now, in
your daily life, for intimacy to carry you into yourself and
out toward those you love. Let it. Just say yes, open your eyes and let it. © 2001 The New Intimacy Since September 11, we've all been thrust into a world
filled with fear and uncertainty. Men and women are turning
to their loved ones as a source of sanity and security. But
can their relationships hold up under this new and intense
need? Can marriages and families grow even closer when
terrorists are trying to pull them apart? These unprecedented times demand that we go beyond
platitudes and superficial techniques and give men and women
a strong and sure basis to support the love they have for
one another and their children. In our new book, "Be Loved for Who You Really Are," we
show how to avoid the major pitfalls like emotional
withdrawal, unwarranted anger, distrust, loss of faith in
the future that can arise under these extraordinary
pressures. And we make it clear how real romance and
deepened intimacy can be yours even during such difficult
times. Understanding how to unify your relationship and
protect against the chaos that wants to divide you is one of
the promises of "Be Loved." Quote of the Week If you want something you've never had, you better be
willing to do something you've never done. Anonymous Loving Endearments Many people are finding that these difficult times are
helping them put daily events into better perspective. What
seemed like a tragedy before 9/11 now can look like just a
blip on the ever-changing screen of life. In fact, just a few days after the attack, when Judith
started cooking dinner, she turned the electric stove on to
High under the Brussels sprouts she'd cut up earlier in the
afternoon. But she'd forgotten that there was no water in
the pan. Soon she smelled something burning and in a flash
remembered she'd not put in the water. She grabbed the pan
and in a kind of panic set it down on the old Formica
counter. Then quickly picked it back up and put in water to
cool it off and then set it down again, not realizing that
the pan had burned two spots on the counter top. When she had matters under control she realized what had
happened and began to berate herself. Just then Jim entered the kitchen. He immediately put his
arms around her and said, "Look, we'll just tell people that
there were aliens here and they left their fingerprints,"
pointing, of course, to the two brown burn marks. We both laughed at how unimportant the old counter top
was and decided that there was probably some kind of
touch-up paint or something we could get to repair it. Then
we discussed the importance of being compassionate and
caring.After all, it's not everyday you get visited by
aliens. During these difficult times, please be sure to comfort
one another when life is more than one or both of you can
handle with grace. Even when you don't understand the
other's experience, that difference is just an opportunity
to get to know one another more intimately. And that's real
romance! The New Intimacy Terrorism is having a profound effect on how men and
women are relating to one another. Take a moment and
consider this fact. Men and women are all we have. That's
it. After us there is no one and nothing. How we treat each
other and how we treat the differences between us is is the
foundation of whatever future we will experience. We are all undergoing a kind of pressure that most of us
have never imagined as a result of being thrust into an
unknown that even the toughest among us have never had to
deal with. That's not an exaggeration. That's also not an
excuse we can use to avoid responsibility for what we say
and do. But this new world we now live in has inspired many, many
people to look within as never before. For example, there is
a marked increase in divorce proceedings being stopped by
the couples who have filed them. Not the judge, but the
people involved are reconsidering. Dating services are seeing a marked increase in activity
as well as an increase in subscriptions. Those who are
without someone are making a concerted effort to find a
connection. There has been an increase in marriages and those who are
taking the vows have said that the attack and the world
conditions have caused them to realize how precious a loving
relationship is. On the dark side, there has also been an increase in
domestic violence and child abuse reports since September
11. The new pressures are inflaming a violence that was
there to begin with. So what do we do? We must be alert. That means more than just watching out
for someone who might be acting suspiciously. Because in
fact, very few of us are ever going to be in the presence of
someone who might have terrorist intentions. We must become more conscious and that is now far more
than just a new age platitude. Becoming more conscious
actually is now a prescription for the future of our planet.
And becoming more conscious is something everyone of us not
only can do, we must. Yes there are any number of pressures now, but remember,
it is pressure that transforms carbon into diamond. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, My husband and I recently married, and ever since, things
have been sour. I walk around the house yearning for him to
say something, anything, to me. A "hello, how was your day" would be wonderful. He says
nothing to me. If I walk into the room where he is, he'll go
in the bedroom to watch TV. It feels like he's avoiding me.
I try to ignore it, but it's tearing me apart. He's so
loving to our daughter. I don't understand. I sit alone
crying because it hurts inside. He doesn't even notice. He
never looks at me, touches me, says a word to me. I'm an
attractive woman. 5'4", 115lbs, blonde hair. I recently had
to have part of my cervix removed due to pre-cancer tissues,
and have not been able to do any sexual activity. (Except
some activities) He doesn't want that though. He is mad
because I can't have sex with him. What is going on I can't
take this anymore. Is he cheating on me, and is afraid to
leave me for fear I will take his daughter away, or
what? Lost and Lonely Dear Lost and Lonely, We can't know why your husband is behaving the way he is
-- you must ask him. And you must insist on an in-depth
answer -- beyond anger at your surgery. We've counseled a number of people who have had
unexpected experiences, from simple surprise to major
crises, impact upon their marriage. In every instance,
because they were unprepared beforehand for the reality that
life might bring them very difficult challenges, and because
they insisted on clinging to their fantasies of what a
marriage was "supposed" to be like, their marriages were
thrown into chaos. Your husband is relating in a loving way to your daughter
because that is doubtless a far less complicated
relationship. With you he has to face the medical treatment
you've had and the lack of intercourse, and the resulting
feelings he probably had no idea he would feel, and through
it all he has withdrawn. He is probably scared, which is
understandable, but he is acting deprived which is hurting
you terribly and providing no solace for him. We don't believe he is cheating, although we can't be
sure of that. And yes he probably is afraid of losing his
daughter. We strongly suggest you both get into marital
counseling. If he refuses, you must make it clear to him
that your marriage is at stake as well as his daughter and
that you cannot go on the way you are. If you cannot do this for yourself, please do it for your
daughter. Growing up in the unloving atmosphere that exists
right now will damage her ability to love and/or be loved in
the future. You must help your husband understand that it is
not just for your marriage that you insist on change, but
for the well being of the daughter he so obviously
loves. Let us know what happens. © 2001 The New Intimacy Sometimes we need to take a break from what we are so
intent on accomplishing and open to let life flow through
us. Judith has an extraordinary capacity to sit at her
computer and be non-stop productive. But no matter her
capacity for endurance there is a danger that, if she
doesn't now and then just set aside what's she's doing, her
well can run dry. Well, we are preparing for our upcoming book tour and
Judith is immersed in taking care of details. At the same
time, the leaves are changing color here in the northeast
and the foliage is a miracle of red, green, yellow, violet,
red-orange, purple, and pink. So Jim decided that it was time for him to invite Judith
our for a drive. She hadn't been out all day and the
mountain fields are alive with change. The drive was exhilarating. Judith gasped and sighed at
the beauty She cried quietly and said, "Look where we live,
Jim," and let the colors feed her to her toes. Take the time to let life love you. Find what you need to
feel that joy and awe. Pay attention to what lights up your
partner and then invite them to fill up and be
full-filled. The New Intimacy Many relationships suffer from being what we call a
"relationship-of-one." In this case neither person has a
solid sense of self. What they do is jostle back and forth
in an overt or covert power struggle, each one trying to be
the arbiter of reality for both of them. So in one moment
one of them is dominant. Then the power balance shifts
toward the other person who is dominant for a while. Neither
has a center, only the unconscious sense that somehow a
center has to be established so their relationship doesn't
careen out of control. Here's a simple example. We did a workshop in Florida a
number of years ago. One woman complained about the way her
dates were treating her. She felt taken for granted. Unseen.
So Jim did a short exercise with her. He said: "Imagine that a friend invites you to dinner and asks you
what you would like to eat. What would you say?" She had no problem telling us that she liked rotisserie
chicken and gave us the name of her favorite place. In other
words, she had a sense of herself and announced her
preference without any trouble. The Jim said, "Okay. Now imagine I'm a man you're
interested in and we have a date. I call to ask you what you
would like to have for dinner. What do you say?" Without a moment's hesitation she said., "Oh I don't
know. Whatever you prefer." In that exchange she set up a relationship-of-one. She
vanished and left it entirely up to her date. She later
confessed that she resented men for being bossy and always
felt like they had to be in charge. To get back at them,
after she'd been dating someone for awhile she would
manipulate for control by playing hard-to-get in order to
have a sense of power. In other words, she covertly took
back control yet unconsciously made it a relationship-of-one
now based on her needs and wants rather than the man's.. Because not many of us have truly been encouraged to have
a strong self, a self that we trust, enjoy, and are willing
to express, many couples endure the very unsatisfying and
deeply confusing relationship-of-one. They know something is
wrong but are not sure what and end up blaming each other in
a futile and desperate attempt to make things right. In order for a relationship to succeed there have to be
two people willing to show up and be who they are. That
begins right from the first moment of the first date and
carries through the life of two people being together. For those of you who are dating, please be aware that the
way you handle yourself is your way of telling your date how
you want to be treated. That is very critical. If you put on
a show, then you are a performance. If you are willing to
put yourself out to see if you are liked and if you like who
you are with, then you are telling your date who you are.
That in itself sets up the precedent that you are someone
who has a sense of self and you expect to be acknowledged
and respected for it. By doing that you are saying right
from the beginning that your want a relationship in which
there are two people expressing and co-creating what you
will have together. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I've been dating a man for 1 1/2 months. We met through
friends (they've known each of us for a long time). He wants
to spend all his spare time with me. He says he loves me and
has asked me to marry him. I'm pretty sure that I love him.
He's wonderful. He's always doing something for me but, I'm
not used to a man like this. I'm 52 and love to be on the go all the time (so does
he). He includes my kids and grandkids and seems to enjoy my
family. I feel like I have known him forever and wouldn't
mind sharing my life with him. In the last 1 1/2 years I've
lost my best friend (8 years younger), my former boyfriend
(4 years younger), my mom, my grandma and now a cousin (2
years younger). I don't want to rush things but, I'm afraid
of what might happen next. I feel as if it is meant to be
that it will be and if it is not meant to be God will stop
it. Thank you for your help. Confused Dear Confused, Your situation sounds lovely. There's no need to rush
into marriage. Enjoy yourselves. Get to know each other
better. Talk about the future you'd like to build together.
Talk about the hard stuff like money and politics and
religion. These conversations will either bring you closer
or expose trouble spots that need joint resolution or reveal
non-negotiable differences. After all it's only been 1 1/2
months. Also, you've recently lost five people dear to you and in
very short time. That may take a while to wash through you.
However, the loss you are feeling can be fertile ground for
you to share with him. Tell him of your fears of what
another loss might mean at this time. If he truly loves you,
and we mean you and not some idea of you, well then he's
getting someone who is bringing loss to the relationship. Is
he open to that? What does he know of loss? More
importantly, what is he willing to learn about what loss
means to you at this time? As you two explore this very
powerful area of your experience, you will be practicing
intimacy and setting a basis for further love and trust.
Then when you both feel solid -- have a wonderful
wedding! © 2001 The New Intimacy We have friends who live in New York City, a place famous
for its driving, no-nonsense, get-out-of-my-way energy.
People who love the rough-and-tumble lifestyle feel at home
in Manhattan. Since September 11, the atmosphere in Manhattan has
changed. People are offering each other small kindnesses: a
smile; saying "Pardon me" to someone; stepping aside at an
elevator and letting someone else go ahead. The first name we had for our company was "Small
Kindnesses," those small, seemingly insignificant gestures
that create a life of care, consideration, love and
intimacy. They are loving endearments, even between
strangers, and are free for the giving and the
receiving. Think about the small kindnesses you can give today,
tomorrow and everyday. They are the stuff that holds a
couple, a family, a neighborhood, a society together. And,
be sure to stay aware of the small kindnesses you receive.
We all tend to say a quick "Thank you," if that much, and
then feel the hunger of not being recognized or
appreciated. Small kindnesses are the moments that make up the
background, the context, the basis of a life of real and
abiding love and intimacy, what we call the new
intimacy. The New Intimacy Much has been said about the power of prayer in these
past two weeks. And many of you have, no doubt, found
comfort and empowerment through your various forms of
praying. Since we will be living through the aftermath of
September 11th for some time, we want to suggest that the
definition of prayer be enlarged to include the positive
energy you give to one another with your kindness,
consideration, and understanding. The positive effects of
your behavior when you create surprises and offer help to
those you love. In fact, the way each of us lives our daily life is a
form of prayer, a form of practical spirituality. Don't
underestimate the influence of your good spirits, your
generosity, your ability to reach out and comfort someone
else. Brain science and quantum physics teach us that our
energy effects much more than the physical space we occupy
.We are, each one of us, a force for greater change simply
through the daily, walking prayer of our lives! During the flurry of email that crossed our monitors
recently, this prayer stood out. As a way to share our human
capacity for good, we send a passage of it on to you. Passage by Jim Vuocolo Amid a flood a conflicting emotions, tears, sadness, and
grief, and in the numbness of the moment, we pause to pray
for peace within our own nation and among the world's
nations. Inspire our quest for national unity with an equal
measure of respect for human diversity. May those who govern
people everywhere pause remember that the primary function
of government is to provide for the security and well-being
of all people. May the peace we are praying for be marked by
a commitment to justice and compassion for all the world's
people. Author of Life, we pray for all of our sisters and
brothers whose nations are in the throes of violent change.
Empower us to do what we can to translate compassion into
action, and show us that, with your assistance and care, we
can always do more than we believe possible to overcome our
fears and help bring peace to our hearts and to our
generation. Amen. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I have been dating Diane for 8 months now. We are both
divorced and in our forties. We spend almost every weekend
and one week night per week together. We get along very well
when we are together. My problem is she has not introduced
me to any of her friends. I have asked her on a few
different occasions to meet her friends. I met some of her
family members several months ago, but have yet to meet any
of her friends. She says her friends are private and they
should not affect our developing intimate relationship. She
wants her freedom, but wants an intimate relationship with
me as well. I have been accepting of this until I found out yesterday
that one of her friends and business associates is an
ex-boyfriend. She had not mentioned this to me previously.
Of course, she does not want me to meet this person, saying
it would not be comfortable mixing the two relationships.
She has told me she likes to keep her work, her family,
other friendships, and finances completely separate, or
"compartmentalized," from my intimate relationship with
her. This was okay in the beginning of our dating
relationship, when we were getting to know each other. I am
concerned that this problem will prevent further intimacy,
and erode trust. What can be done to promote intimacy, fulfill both of our
needs, closeness with each other, and still respect her
privacy needs? Singled-Out: Dear Singled-out First, we would advise you to pull back on your trust
until you understand what's going on here. And then you need
to ask Diane to explain in detail what it is she values so
much about compartmentalizing. Some people organize their
lives that way and it can be a very effective strategy.
However, when it comes to an intimate relationship, it sets
up an "emotional affair," what we call "emotional cheating,"
by virtue of there being someone or more than one with whom
she has a relationship that is not, or cannot be introduced
into the relationship with you. Someone who must be kept
separate from her life with you. How can she expect you to really trust her, especially
since one of her friends is an ex. Meeting her ex-boyfriend
should be no problem for anyone involved as long as he
really is an ex. For her to say that it would be
uncomfortable, sets up a situation in which she has to
choose between you and him or whomever. The
need-to-choose-between is the problem for her and being left
out is the problem for you. You need to tell Diane that you are not just another
compartment in her life and as the serious relationship in
her life, it's time for more intimacy. She has to understand
the risk of what she is doing, which is that she is
alienating you from something she says she treasures. Why
would she do that? What is she afraid of losing? How was her
privacy violated in her life and in her previous
relationships? You ask how you can promote intimacy under the
circumstances. Well, if you can live in your compartment and
that's okay with you, then focus on the intimacy that is
available. Bur you would not have written if you weren't
dissatisfied with being put in a compartment. So the point
now is real intimacy and what that means in the real
situation you're in. Organize how you feel and think and express it. That's
intimacy. Tell her you need to know, to your satisfaction
why she needs to keep people and things separated out
otherwise your trust will be undermined and so will the
relationship. That's intimacy. Don't allow yourself to be
confused by a fantasy of what intimacy "should" be. Your
circumstances are dictating what ntimacy must be. Real
intimacy always brings the truth to the surface. In other
words, you have to find out the extent to which Diane can
change to allow you in and then decide if the degree to
which she insists on compartmentalizing is something you can
live with. © 2001 The New Intimacy The stereotype of men tells us that they are incapable of
being nurturing, attentive, and supportive. Well we're
always delighted to share stories about men that counter
such a crippling image which isn't just crippling for men
but for women as well. This endearment was submitted by our subscriber
Sharon. I have the most wonderful man in the world. Fred and I
have a 4-year-old daughter, Logan, and I have two sons from
a previous marriage, Justin, 18, and Perry, almost 16. Fred
and I have been together for almost nine years. When I was 35 years old, I was pregnant with our
daughter. Fred stuck by me my entire pregnancy. He was so
excited that I was pregnant and he just couldn't believe it.
He did not think he could have any children. All through my moaning and groaning and getting larger
during my pregnancy, Fred was there for anything and
everything. I had a scheduled C-section for delivery of our
daughter, Logan, on St. Patrick's Day in 1997. He never left
my side the entire time I was in the hospital. He did
everything for me. No one had ever treated me that well in my whole life. It
felt so real and so special for Fred to "be there" for me
like that in so many different ways. I will always love him
for that. I will love him for all the things he did for me
and for all the love he showed me at one of the times I
needed him most. Thank God for Fred. The New Intimacy In the old intimacy, very often one spouse unilaterally
dictated how certain aspects their life would be and the
other spouse would singularly dictate the rest. For example,
he might take care of their finances. She would know nothing
about their assets/investments, or on the other hand, their
indebtedness. She might make all the decisions about how
their house was to be decorated and he would then live
according to her taste. In the new intimacy the couple jointly co-creates their
life. Both people are involved in major decisions and many
of the small ones. We've been having our upstairs floors worked on. Jim has
really wanted the old planks laid bare. Judith was willing
to see what it would look like since she'd never lived with
hard wood floors. A surprise came when Jim pulled back the old grey carpet.
The floors were painted colonial blue! Then we learned that
was popular in the past when people had no money for rugs or
carpets. The magic of differences continues when we are preparing
for the day of the sanding. How do we deal with the terrible
noise and dust and then the horrible smells of polyurethane?
Jim would just play it by ear from the moment the floor guy
arrived. Judith wanted to know what to plan for where we'd
stay, what work to take with us, where we might go during
the days to take care of things we needed to get done and
what might be fun, like visiting the old mansions on the
banks of the Hudson River down near Poughkeepsie. On the other hand, Judith would have let the floor guy
fill in some small holes (3" by 10") in the flooring and as
well as leave it to him to deal with the large cracks
between some of the planks. Jim has made sure that those
holes were filled and he did it perfectly. He will also make
sure that the man has a clear idea of what we want the
finished product to look like before we depart. And he made
sure that everything was protected with sheets of thick
plastic taped around all of the doors to the rooms where
work wouldn't be done. We went together to find a local B & B that would be
inexpensive and yet charming. Then we talked through the
general plans and then used our natural skills and
inclinations to work as a team to get ready for the floor
event.. Judith organized the work to take with us and Jim
prepared the floors. No one dictating. No one left in the
dark about what would happen. No need to argue. No need to
get in each other's way. Yet each of us was contributing and
helping to make the best of the disruptive situation. That's an example of the practical, everyday romance in
the magic of differences that is at the core of the new
intimacy. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I am 20 years old and I believe I have found the one I
want to spend my life with. He is 22 and the type of person
who looks at the big picture. I take things moment by
moment. We are like silver and gold, very opposite. I am
extremely sensitive and like to talk about things and he
keeps everything inside unless I push him. I don't want to
do that but I want him to open up to me. He says he loves me
too and doesn't ever want to let me go. The problem is he
attends one of the best art schools in the country down in
Florida and I am in school up here in New Hampshire. The
relationship becomes so stressful at times because of the
distance. We try to make time for each other when there
isn't any. But I have never been so sure of anything in my
life, he is the one for me. Right now we are "taking a
break" from the stress and trying to start over. He wants to
get back together when he comes home this summer. I was
wondering if you could give me some advice on what I should
do. When we are together it is amazing, but when we are
apart we argue. I would move to Florida but he said he would
never ask me to do that. We have been through so much
together already. He supports me in everything. I was
diagnosed with depression/panic disorder and have been
suicidal in the past. But he has stuck with me anyway and
loves me for who I am. I believe this relationship is worth
fighting for but I am lost on how to do it. Sincerely, Lost in NH when my heart is in FL Dear Lost, First of all you are not arguing because you are apart.
That you are apart geographically is merely a fact of life.
So the first question is, what are you really arguing about
that gets triggered by being apart? Second, if you are both
so certain about one another, why are you broken up? Do you argue from feeling insecure? Are you suspicious of
one another going out with other people? Do you demand that
contact be made by phone and/or email when neither of you
really has the time? What is it that distracts you from the
reality of your two different school situations, such that
you argue instead of making the most of your time apart? Now, the fact is you cannot get back together and "start
over". You must live your relationship in current time and
deal with your history of arguing. Given the inclusion of your diagnosis of depression/panic
disorder and feeling suicidal, we want to stress the need
for you to look to your family of origin for the root causes
of these feelings. How weren't you made to feel safe as a
child? How were you expected to meet your parents' needs,
rather than your own? At least from your side of the
arguing, we're betting this is where you will find the root
source for your discomfort and upset. And if you are not currently in therapy, we strongly
suggest you see a very experienced therapist who specializes
in helping people emotionally leave their home of origin. By
that we mean that you need to develop a mature, independent
sense of your identity, instead of carrying around your
childhood programming as if it is the world you live in
now. Please let us know your response to our answer. Judith & Jim © 2001 The New Intimacy This endearment was submitted by our subscriber Jodi. I met WJ through the Internet. We exchanged e-mails every
day and got along great. We met in person 3 months later and
spent 8 hours together. We didn't want the day to end! We
kept seeing each other and one month later, I was in the
hospital for abdominal surgery. I was there for 16 days and
that's when I found out how special WJ really was. He came
to visit one day and brought his laptop. Then he hooked it
up to the phone line so I could check my e-mail! He knew
that I check it every day and I wouldn't be able to for a
long time...unless he helped. He also stayed past midnight
several times because he knew I'm a nightowl and there were
no visiting hours. Here's the topper, there I was at my most
unattractive and he says, "Sure, you have a nose tube and
your hair is all greasy, but you're still pretty." Romantic,
huh? It's almost 2 years later, I'm healthy, and we're still
together. The New Intimacy Without communication there can be no intimacy. For
communication to be meaningful you and your partner have to
make your thoughts and feelings available to one another.
And then, you must be willing to hear each other in terms of
the other's experience. By that we mean each of you must
grant the other the validity of their experience. That
doesn't mean you have to agree or even like what your
partner is saying, feeling, doing. But to truly communicate,
to permit intimacy to flourish, you must let your partner be
who your partner is and visa versa. Here's an example from our lives. We've been in the middle of a heat wave. The locals tell
us they haven't seen such heat over so long a span of days
for years. Judith finds this kind of humid heat intolerable.
We actually think she may be allergic to it. So we bought
two window air-conditioners. One for Jim's office and one
for Judith's. Jim decided he'd install Judith's as soon as
we brought them home. Judith's initial response was to ask him if he shouldn't
hire someone to do it. Jim refused and eventually got it to
work. Judith was deeply impressed. Now here's the point. Judith had seen her father, time and again, try and fail
to do mechanical thugs around the house. She watched her
mother's resignation when he decided to yet again do
something and she would scorn him behind his back. After Jim secured the A/C and had it running, Judith
realized how she had unconsciously assumed Jim would fail.
Her suggestion to hire a handyman was not out of affection
but out of an unconscious presumption of Jim's incompetence.
That's why she was so impressed when he succeeded and why
she felt chagrined in realizing what she had been feeling.
Judith knew she had to confess her fears and distrust to
Jim. Under the circumstances her feelings were understandable
and the intimacy between us deepened. That could not have
happened without Judith's willingness to reveal her true
feelings and Jim's willingness to hear her without taking it
personally. That doesn't always happen but, when it does, it
allows for the richest communication and the sweetest
emotional intimacy possible. In this sense it really is true that the truth will set
you free. Trust your truth. Listen to your partner's truth. Only
then can you build trust in your relationship so that you
can open more and more to what you have and receive more and
more from it. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I have an interesting question for you that has been on
my mind for a while now. My husband and I have been married
for four years and are not having any problems. Recently
some friends of ours, who are also married, told us that
they are swingers. Meaning that they sleep with other
couples. I have to admit that it does sound interesting but
my husband and I are reluctant for obvious reasons. We want
a stranger's opinion on this subject and would like to hear
from you. Thank you, Curious in Arkansas Dear Curious, If, as you say, "it does sound interesting," then we are
curious as to what you mean by the "obvious reasons." If by
that you mean being awkward and having sex with someone
other than your spouse, then what, we ask, sounds
interesting? If you do this the awkwardness will fade in
time like everything and anything that is new until it is
not. But that doesn't seem to be the point. Rather than ask us, you should trust your reluctance.
Look into it. What is your reluctance telling you you would
have to lose if you went ahead? Could it be that the "obvious reasons" are that you might
lose each other? Or are you afraid you might enjoy it, which
is an entirely different issue and will send you into a vast
unknown? One of Jim's philosophy teachers once said, "Whenever
anyone says something like 'It's obvious that. . . .' or 'It
should be clear that. beware. That is where they are hiding
the fact that they aren't sure of what they are saying." Look into your obvious reasons and listen to your
reluctance. Yes there are those who swing. And among that
group there are marriages that have lasted for years. But
this has nothing to do with your reluctance. Something inside of each of you is reluctant, call it
your soul if that word works for you, is trying to get your
attention. Listen. There is much at stake here. © 2001 The New Intimacy This endearment was submitted by our subscriber
Heather. How wonderful to know others have discovered the magic
that comes from just writing a little note. We were married
just two months after I turned 18, and next February will be
our 7th anniversary. Our first married Valentine's day, we'd
just moved and the fees & deposits had left us broke,
but I was still determined to have a romantic surprise
waiting for him when he got home. I dug up some plastic
mini-Easter eggs from the previous year, and in every one I
put a little note about why I was in love with him; a memory
of a moment we'd shared, a thank you for something special
he did for me, a wish for our future, and all the things I
found irresistible about him. I hid them all over the house,
and never told him to look, but sure enough he found several
that first night, and since I hide eggs pretty well, he
found many more over the next few weeks. Six years later, I
still do this for him. I tape notes all over the house,
write love letters for him to read after a long day at work,
and make signs for birthdays and anniversaries and tape them
to the front of the house so he (and everyone else) can read
"I love you sweetie!" when driving up the street. We always
keep a dry-erase marker in the bathroom so we can write each
other messages on the mirror. Sometimes I worry about how
we'd manage to keep romance alive after several years of
marriage, but when I see the growing stack of my notes and
letters in his sock drawer, I know I have nothing to worry
about. Happily married. Heather If you have an endearment you would like to share send it
to us at jksjes@hotmail.com. The New Intimacy In the old intimacy, romantic relationships were
choreographed by sex role expectations. Since both men and
women had to conform themselves to fit into the roles they
were taught to play, they often experienced a kind of
emptiness instead of the passionate connection they hoped
would be theirs. In the new intimacy, sex role stereotypes are obsolete.
Romantic relationships are now choreographed and co-created
by the needs and wants and sincere feelings of the two
individuals involved. In the drama of yesteryear cliched emotions very often
passed for real, heartfelt love. Now the true romance of
intimate one-of-a-kind love is experienced in all of the
large and small in-the-moment body-based feelings as well as
in the spiritually meaningful commitment to learn and grow
together. Growth fueled by love moves both people toward
increased freedom to reveal themselves whole-heartedly --
which is a form of holiness. In the fourteen years we've been together, we've seen
each other go through some very difficult emotional states,
some lasting several days, some even weeks. In the old
intimacy, most couples would have just tolerated one another
during these kinds of experiences -- if they had felt free
to show what they were really feeling at all. Instead, we
feel enriched by the journey of accompanying one another
into the darkness that is always the birth place of new
awareness, new freedom to be who we really are. Rather than act out a stereotype, which will make you a
stereotype, pay attention to what you feel that is real. Ask
yourself why you believe you cannot show feelings that are
true to you and express your true thoughts. What do you
believe would happen? And what value is there in hiding
behind a performance, which is what you do when you choose
to act out a stereotype. You hide. You prevent who you are
from being loved which will eventually cause you to feel
unloved and, of course, you will blame your spouse. If love is what you want, then allow yourself to be loved
for who you are. After all, who else can you be loved for. A
performance? No way. Please have the courage to give your mate the opportunity
to love more and more of you. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant with our
daughter. I love him dearly. It's just that all I seem to
think about is that I don't know what to do. How will I ever
be able to trust him again. I feel as though I should cheat
on him so he can feel the hurt I feel. I just don't know
what to do. I really want our marriage to work our. What do
I do? TX Dear TX, Though he cheated while you were pregnant, and that is
reprehensible, have you talked with him about it? What was
he doing? Does he have so little awareness of the
consequences of his actions? What did he want? What was he
trying to accomplish? If it was sex, then why did he have to
go to someone else? Was he not satisfied with the lovemaking
between you? If not, why not, and what can the two of you do
about it? If he was satisfied, then what other motivation
did he have? Power? Trying to get away with something? You say you want your marriage to work. Well, then what
you must do is find out why he did what he did? That's for
starters. Then you must determine if he wants the marriage
the way you do. If you don't do this, then you will never be
on secure ground. You must know where he stands. You must also explore your own feelings and desires.
Depending upon what he says, do you still want the
marriage? In any case, the marriage you had is over. What was is no
longer. If you stay together, you must co-create a new
marriage based upon new understandings and new commitments.
In a sense, you must remarry. But do not, do not have an affair in spite. You will feel
terrible afterwards and you will have gained nothing. An eye
for an eye leaves both people half blind. And teaches your
child that cheating and revenge are what to expect in their
marriage. Can you ever trust him again? He will have to earn
it. At the same time, you must deal with your hurt by letting
him know how deeply you were wounded and what the effects of
his thoughtlessness were. This need not break you two apart,. It can be a deep
wake-up call to get serious about the connection you have.
And make sure you discover together what the dis-connect was
that led the way to his cheating. Finally, it would probably be best if you two saw a
counselor, someone who can help each of you sort out your
thoughts and feelings and help you both come to terms with
what all happened and what needs to happen for you both to
commit to a trustworthy love now. © 2001 The New Intimacy We are in the process of having one of our rooms re-done.
We're removing the carpets and exposing the old wide-beam
wood plank floors. We will have them stripped and sanded and
brought back to their natural color and grain. In an old
house like ours, that means an extra helping of dust. Jim's brain works in a way that doesn't think of those
kinds of details, you know, dust and the like. He's thinking
about how to paint and wallpaper that room before the floor
sander arrives. Well we had to move some of our clothing, mostly Jim's --
out of that room and some of it is stuffed into a corner of
our bedroom which is right across the hall. Without saying anything, Judith covered those clothes
with an old bed sheet to keep them protected from the dust
that will get kicked up. As soon as Jim saw that, he knew exactly what she had
done and why and was very grateful. In part for having his
clothes protected, but more so for the absence of any
criticism from Judith for not having thought of it himself.
She knows him, accepts him (not all of the time), and has no
need to make a big deal of his shortfalls (most of the
time). Judith had no need to call attention to herself and that
made her endearment even more endearing. The New Intimacy Every now and then an angel appears in our lives and
blesses us with his or her presence and inspiration. We met
just such an angel last weekend. We were in Philadelphia giving a keynote presentation and
a workshop and we met Ed Thornton. He signs his email E.T.
which is proof that he's an angel. He told us about his marriage to Linda. Here's their
story. She knew she had cancer and so did he and that she was
terminal. One afternoon she called him and said "we have to
talk." Ed told us he cringed when he heard those ominous
words. That evening, at dinner, Linda told him that the one
thing she wanted to accomplish before she left this earth
was to be married to Ed. He said, "Are you proposing?" She
thought for a second and said, "I guess I am." He responded
with, "Well, in that case, I accept." They were married for two and one half years and during
the ceremony she had to wear a wig because of the effects of
chemotherapy. They had a Quaker wedding. No minister. No Priest.
Quakers believe that the Divine Spirit is present in all of
us and, in that sense, we are all ministers. So Linda and Ed
married each other by saying "We unite ourselves in
marriage." Those who were present signed a marriage
certificate as witnesses. They wrote their own vows and Ed gave us permission to
share them with you. Here is some of what they said. Ed: Linda, I want to love you without possessing,
appreciate you without qualifying, unite with you without
intruding in your space, ask of you without demanding or
expecting . . . I promise to be gentle with myself so I can
be gentle with you. . . With my love and affection I want to
truly enrich your life. I offer patience, persistence and
perseverence. Linda: I intend to be gentle with you Ed, to be a loyal
friend, lover and confidante. To not withhold things from
you, but to share myself honestly, openly and from my heart.
I commit to take care of myself to have the energy to be
there for you . . . I promise to acknowledge my mistakes . .
. be demonstrative in my love and affection and bring humor,
passion and integrity to our marriage. They said: Together we pledge to be faithful and to make
our marriage the top priority of all our activities . . We
promise to look for the good in each other . . .to try to
resolve conflicts quickly . . .our motto is forgive and
forget . . . Within our marriage we promise to take
responsibility for fully loving and nurturing ourselves and
each other. And with that, they were man and wife. Two and one-half years later, Linda died in Ed's
arms. Ed was glowing as he told us the story. So happy to have
known, loved and lived with Linda for the time that they
had. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I am 20, male and I have never had sex. My parents have
very strong beliefs that sex should be kept for marriage.
However, ever since I went to college I have questioned the
wisdom of that many times, though I never crossed the line.
I also feel that since it would be wrong for me to have sex
with somebody why should I even start dating anybody. I know
a lot of people want sex after a while and my standard would
be disappointing to them. What can you say from your
experience in counseling about this subject? I have heard so
many explanations for both choices that it only makes things
more confusing. Dear Confused, In our culture, sex is overly burdened with expectations
and fantasies as well as rules and regulations. One side
preaches celibacy. The other wants no judgment, no
interference, as though engaging in sex has no consequences.
And we're sure you've heard those arguments and some in
between. You say you have questioned your parents' beliefs about
sex and marriage, so something in you is stirring to at
least explore alternatives, without, as you indicate,
actually making love with anyone. But you must kook at what you wrote. You believe that
having sex would be wrong. Do you? Really? Or are you simply
struggling with peer pressure? Or perhaps what you think is
peer pressure? Or perhaps only being an obedient son? What you need is a way to determine what is most
important to you. You need to place your question in a
context that will compel you to face what you hold most
dear. Here are a few suggestions. What would you advise your own son if he was faced with
your dilemma? Or, what if your choice, to wait or not, was to be used
as the moral and ethical standard for all people your age.
What would you choose with that responsibility as a
determining guide? Or imagine you are at the end of your life looking back.
What would you like to see? That you waited? Or that you
decided not to wait? Your struggle is very fundamental because, no matter how
you rationalize your final decision, to do or not to do,
there are ultimately only two choices. You can't finesse
this one with brilliant arguments or clever spin. This is an
either/or choice which always puts us in a position to be
initiated through the struggle to make our decision and then
launches us into a particular way of being in the world. Sören Kierkegaard, a European existential
philosopher wrote about the process of making life altering
decisions. He said that we build a mountain of fact, stand
in top of it and then leap to faith. He didn't mean
religion. He meant that whatever our choice, we cannot
predict the consequences. There will be some that will be
negative. So we choose and live what comes. You must go into your heart and let it lead. And
remember, your heart cannot provide everything. But if you
lead with your heart you will have the strength to stand up
under whatever comes to you. And, in the end, that is the
prize of the struggle. © 2001 The New Intimacy When Judith was a kid her family spent many a summer
vacation on an old farm with relatives in Redding, CA.
Besides an indoor bathroom, this farm still had a two-hole
outhouse which everyone used in good weather -- not
necessarily with someone else -- but because it had no door
and overlooked a beautiful valley. (People yelled ahead to
check out occupancy.) Ever since we moved to our 200 year old farmhouse sixteen
months ago, Judith has wanted an outhouse by our pond. You
can't any longer use them, but Judith has wanted one for the
nostalgia and how fun they look. Friends of ours, Bob and Magdalena, provided the unusual
blessing of giving us an old outhouse that has been on their
property since forever and they didn't want it. That
terrific surprise happened a couple of months ago -- but it
still had to be moved -- and we had to prepare the space for
it -- where -- as a future reading and meditation cubby --
with the door open you can look out on the pond and on to a
wonderful stream that separates our land from the
neighbors. A man down the road agreed to move it in his truck but we
didn't exactly know when this would be. This morning Jim came into Judith's office and told her
she needed to come outside with him. Why? He wouldn't say.
When we were about to make the turn out of our garage (which
used to be the barn) Jim instructed Judith to close her eyes
and then guided her across the back yard.. Then Jim stopped
her, turned her in a specific direction and said -- "Ok,
open your eyes!" Well, Judith let out a huge shriek -- there sat her own,
real outhouse right where she wanted it!!! Timmy and Kelly,
our neighbors, and their two children, Branden and Morgan,
had surprise delivered it last night when we were in town --
and Jim had just noticed it out a window before he called
Judith outside! Sure he could have just told Judith to look out the
window -- but why miss the romance of creating a delightful
surprise!! How can you surprise the one you love this weekend? The New Intimacy Judith's delight with the new/old outhouse is unbounded.
She's like a child who's received something she'd been
waiting for for a long time. But that's what makes her such
a pleasure to be with -- her capacity for genuine delight
which stems form her alive and lively curiosity. Curiosity! It's one of the most powerful experiences we
have as human beings. Think about it. When we are genuinely
curious, we are open to possibilities. The world becomes a
menu we can explore and choose from. And through our
curiosity we get to extend beyond ourselves where the new
awaits. One of the most lethal dangers for any relationship is
when we take things for granted. We assume. That means that
we believe we know beforehand what's going to happen, how
our partner is going to respond, and so we don;'t have to
pay attention. We don't have to be curious. Have you ever heard somebody say something like, "Well,
you know how she is." or "That's just him. He's always that
way." They assume they know all there is to know about the
other person. So they stop looking. They stop listening. They stop
hearing. In short, the connection disappears and they just
plain stop. Then their relationship dies and they blame each
other. In all fairness, it's so easy to take ourselves and one
another for granted. We do get into habitual behaviors and
we are to some degree predictable. If we weren't,
relationships might be way too much work if not impossible.
But love and intimacy are not free. There is a cost. Your
attention and care. You wouldn't buy potted plants and never water them. You
wouldn't buy a car and never tune it. Life requires our
participation. We have to care if we want things to
thrive. That's where curiosity comes in. We make the choice to
pay attention. We let those we love know that we want to
know them. We let them know we want them to know us. We open
ourselves and we ask them to open to us. But if they aren't
paying attention, why bother? If we aren't willing to extend
an interest, why should they bother? What do you want to know about your lover, partner,
spouse? Not just as an exercise, but really want to know.
And what would you like your lover, partner, spouse to know
about you that he or she doesn't yet? Even thinking about these questions stimulates curiosity,
about your self and your partner. And, when you bring your
interest to the one you love, what a compliment that is.
what a recognition of the other person as someone you value
and want to be more intimate with. Judith's capacity for opening to the new, for being
genuinely curious, helps keep what we have alive and
unpredictable. When that couples with Jim's particular ways
of being curious, well, we can't ever take each other for
granted. Finally, curiosity is one of the finest aphrodisiacs you
can find and it's available to you at any time! Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I have recently begun a relationship with a man who lives
600 miles away from me. We met on a Christian dating site on
the Internet. I don't ordinarily write people who live so
far away, as a long-distance romance was the last thing I
was looking for, but his note to me was so wonderful that I
couldn't resist looking up his profile and responding in
kind to his thoughtful letter. I flew to his city to meet him in person, after only 2
short weeks of continual emails and endless phone calls, and
we fell for each other in a big way. Everything about each
of us just seemed to "fit" with the other perfectly. Our
personalities, our romantic natures, our thoughtfulness for
each other, our senses of humor, even our heights (he's
6'4", I'm 5'11"). But 2 days later I found myself on a plane
on my way home...alone. He and I had a wonderful talk the following day about
where we each stood in our relationship and we agreed that
we could see other people while we were apart, but that we
would each keep the other one's best interests at heart when
doing so. That way, the pain of being alone wouldn't be as
apparent. My question to you is, how can a couple keep a
relationship alive across so many miles? If you're only
physically seeing each other once a month or so, how do you
truly get to know each other well enough to determine
whether or not to continue on to the next level? I'm much better in person than I am on the phone (as I am
a very affectionate and physical person), so it's hard for
me to be as happy having a relationship with a telephone and
a keyboard as I would be having my honey here to hold as we
talked. Any advice from you would be very much appreciated. Thank
you so much! Dear love-at-a-distance, First of all, congratulations that this relationship is
still alive and worthwhile. When we began reading your
letter we fully expected you to say it fell apart and you
don't know why. But that's not the case. The danger with long-distance relationships that work is
the intensity that builds up between meetings. So much has
to happen in a short time that it's often too much of a
demand on what you have. So, first, be aware of and talk
about not needing to pack one month into two days. That
won't work because it cannot happen. If you don't keep that
in mind, then your brief visits can become growingly
disappointing and place an unnecessary burden on the
difficulty you have to begin with. Also, do not withhold your "negative" feelings, perhaps
anger at being apart; loneliness and longing; frustration
with how things are. You are in a trying situation and you
cannot pretty it up by pretending never to feel bad about
it. The more you release to one another the more openness
there will be and the more freedom and ease you can create
for the time you are together. Of course, the loving feelings you have must be expressed
as well, but they won't get in the way. Yes, being close and physical in important. However,
you've accepted this relationship with its physical
limitations. Ask yourself why? What's the benefit now to you
and him? What do God, the Universe, or your own unconscious
minds have in store for you that is best expressed by a
relationship over a distance? In other words, don't step
away from the reality you're faced with, embrace it, delve
into it, look for the promise and potential it contains. In
other words, trust that what is happening is right. All you
need do is discover the rightness. As you do, the romance
between you should grow from soil that is rich and fruitful.
Then the distance will become a gift and your love will
become more and more a treasure. © 2001 The New Intimacy August 27-September 2 First of all, thanks for all the work you do to keep the
new intimacy newsletter going. I know it takes a great deal
of time and energy, even if it is extremely rewarding as
well. My husband and I are both in our early 40's, we've been
married for a whole 6 months...LOL!!! But seriously, we both
feel so very blessed that we have found one another at this
late date in our lives. After the commercialism and expense of the Christmas
season and the expense of our wedding...and my husband's
birthday being on the same day as our wedding ...and several
birthdays of family and friends in January we decided that
we would not spend more than $10.00 on one another for
Valentines....but we would use our creativity to come up
with something special for one another. For my husband, I cut up strips of paper (like those in
fortune cookies). On each strip I wrote what I love, admire,
respect, and treasure in him, or small love quotes, or a
free coupon for a massage, car cleaning, 20 minutes of
snuggling, etc. I rolled them into tiny scrolls and put them in a heart
shaped tin container. I also made a Valentines card
explaining that inside the container were daily vitamins for
the heart. My husband loves it. Every morning he opens his
heart-vitamin for the day and shares it with me. Then he
puts it in his shirt pocket and carries it with him
throughout the day. At the end of the day he tapes it into a
book where he's collecting them. It's been such a hit that although initially I'd only
made about 60 days worth I've continued to make them each
month. After 4 months I'm discovering that it is not just
something I give him, but also something I find great joy in
myself. For me, my husband bought a journal. Each day he writes a
love quote at the top of one of the pages. Underneath he
writes his thoughts and feelings about the quote, how it
applies, or doesn't apply, to us. At the very end of the
page he writes a short one or two sentences about what we
did on that day that he enjoyed. I LOVE THIS!!!! Some of the quotes are funny, deep,
thought provoking, serious, and romantic. I find such a
thrill reading them and find that I look forward to it all
day. Sometimes I go back to past days and read what was
written there and remember what we were doing on that day.
IT IS TRULY A HEART BOOST. And, no matter how busy our lives
get, my husband takes the time to write that day,
demonstrating a great deal of commitment. Thank you for allowing me to share our story, and again
for all the great work you guys do to keep The New Intimacy
going. It has integrity and a great message.....(kind of
rare these days). Blessings, Lisa, a subscriber The New Intimacy We've had a number of requests to repeat a list of what
intimacy is and is not that we published before. Since we're
in the middle of a crunch to get several projects completed,
we're taking this opportunity to repeat the column. Here it is. Many people imagine intimacy to mean sex. In fact, that
is what most people mean when they use the word. Some people understand intimacy to be primarily about
talking and sharing. Others are afraid of the whole idea, concerned they will
lose themselves if they open up and allow themselves to be
touched. And there are those who have no response. For us the experience of intimacy is very basic and very
deep within human consciousness. So here are some things
intimacy is and is not for you to ponder. Finally, to be intimate is to allow yourself to be seen
and willing to see what the other person is showing you.
That takes strength of commitment, security in yourself, an
ability to respond sensitively and creatively, and a
willingness to enter into the unknown that exists between
you. This is a list to inspire your thinking. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We have
moved twice, built a practice, a home, she had 3 job
changes, and we had two children all in this time. We have
changed some from when we first started dating. She feels
empty and worries about having a hallow marriage. She is
contemplating divorce. These feelings have developed because
we are different and I do not communicate to the level she
needs. I want to learn how and develop a great relationship
built on love, friendship, and intimacy. I would like to get
that help. I want my wife, children, and a marriage. Thank
you for your direction. Dear Wanting, We first want to acknowledge how demanding your life has
been for the both of you. Two moves, a practice, home, jobs
and kids all in five years is a stress that many
relationships could not withstand. So, that the two of you
are still together is to be applauded.. Now, with regard to your wife's concern about a "hollow
marriage," no doubt the demands have taken your focus off of
each other, and no doubt that was a disappointment to her.
No doubt the reality of what she chose to participate in
clashed pretty severely with her fantasy of what a marriage
was supposed to be. One of the greatest dangers for people entering into
marriage, even for those who've been divorced and are
re-marrying, is the clash between what they imagine and
expect a marriage is "supposed to be" and the reality of
marriage as it turns out to be. Marriages are as unique as
people and every marriage is a unique co-creation of both
people. Neither party is innocent in the outcome. So the
"hollowness" of the marriage has been made, in half, by your
wife. You say you do not communicate to the level she needs.
Why not? If you hold that position, then it's just an excuse
for not changing. If you want the marriage, you will have to
change the way you communicate so that she feels seen and
heard. The question is, what does "to the level she needs" mean?
If you are closed and not forthcoming, you'll need to learn
to open up and make yourself emotionally available. That's
learnable. And, by the way, when you do, she will have to
open up reciprocally or it will not work. However, if what's going on is that the level she needs
is being dictated by a fantasy of what "should" be, then no
level of communication will work unless you become her.
Fantasies are perfect because we create them that way. They
are also solitary creations in which no one interferes with
what we want. Real life is an amalgam of both people
involved, and now that includes the kids, the house, and
everything else that impacts your life togther. So are her demands reasonable? Or is she hiding from real
intimacy with you by blaming you for her emptiness, rather
than looking at her inability to receive what you give
her? Bottom line, she is co-responsible for the "hollow
marriage." If she doesn't recognize that, she will leave
you, marry again and do the same thing with someone else and
with different details. You two should see someone who can
help you unravel what's happened. © 2001 The New Intimacy After reading Judith and Jim's loving endearments to one
another about the watermelon, I wanted to share an
endearment about something my boyfriend recently did for me
Dan is 40 and divorced, I am 37 and twice divorced). Wed
live in Colorado. Dan: Becky spoke of the new Krispy Kreme donut shop that
recently opened up in our town. We haven't had a moment to
get over there and the lines have been to crazy to wait no
matter the hour of the day. Becky: Dan is from Minnesota, to try a warm Krispy
Kreme. Dan: I went on business to Omaha, Nebraska and there I
drove Krispy Kreme donut shop. I simply had to stop and get
some donuts for myself to try these crazy donuts that
everyone in Denver was going nuts about. As was the rumor,
they were delicious. I called Becky from Omaha and told her
I had finally tasted a Krispy Kreme and how good these
donuts tasted. Becky was disappointed, she wasn't with me
for my 'first' Krispy Kreme experience at age 40. On my way
back to Denver I decided to stop and pick up some Krispy
Kreams to take back to Becky. Becky: Dan called me from his home and told me he brought
me back Krispy Kreams! I couldn't believe it! Dan
transported two donuts in his briefcase from Omaha and
protected those donuts with his life to bring them all the
way back to Denver and to me. I went over to his place that
night and there they were, two Krispy Kream donuts, smashed,
but nevertheless, they were the best two donuts I had ever
put in my mouth. He had remembered such a small detail and
wanted to share the experience with me. I swear, if the
plane had landed on a deserted island with no food in sight,
he would not have eaten those donuts... I have to tell you, Dan buys me flowers and treats me
like a princess but nothing could ever have meant more to me
than the thought of his bringing me those Krispy Kreme
donuts from Omaha. Hands down, that is the most thoughtful
thing anyone has ever done for me. The New Intimacy Many of you tell us how you enjoy hearing about our life
here in the country. So we'll tell you about Jim's new
weed-wacker. Now, how does that relate to The New Intimacy?
Well, it might not, if Judith hadn't needed to talk to
herself about some of her knee-jerk responses. But some background first. When we moved here last year,
to a 200 year-old farm house on 2 acres with a pond, the
property hadn't been kept up at all. The house was in pretty
good shape but the growth on the land, except for a small
yard, was wild and way out of control. So last year we hired people to trim trees and take out
dead ones and brush-hog the back of the property -- cutting
down all the weeds and heavier overgrowth. This year Jim bought a weed-wacker and he is in country
heaven as he goes out most every day to do battle with the
weeds that want to re-take the place. Meanwhile, Judith
noticed thoughts like, "He's just like a boy with a toy,"
"He ought to be doing more of the serious work we need to
get done." Whoa!!!!! Unconscious old thoughts about men's work,
learned at mom's knee, were popping up to interfere with all
the fun Jim was having if Judith didn't catch herself and
rethink the situation. So first she shared her inner sabateur with Jim so that
we both could keep an eye on her. Then she determined to
notice not only Jim's wonderful fun, but to focus on the
increased beauty on the property when the weeds are kept
under control. That was all the ammunition she needed to
create new intimacy with Jim, the "Super-Weed-Wacker," and
to get a kick out of his excitement, rather than try to kill
it. And to support him further she's going to buy him some
goggles this weekend to protect his eyes from the stones
that pop up when the wacker sends them flying. Without loving awareness, the weed-wacker could have been
the catalyst for some stupid fights. But instead, it's a fun
new member of the family and a source of joy for both of
us. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, Thank you for your interesting columns. I'm learning from
them. Here's.my question:.How do I keep the romance in this
relationship really alive and burning. My boyfriend lives
back home in Africa and I study in England, and will be for
a couple of years. We do love each other very much, and do
hope for marriage soon when the Lord gives a GO! It's challenging sustaining our love over the miles, but
we are trying thru emails, and occasional phone calls, not
to mention the costs involved. I would like my relationship to be alive and full of
vigor. I kindly request suggestions. Also I happen to be pursuing my medical career, hoping to
complete in 2 years, and hopefully be married. My boyfriend
is not in the medical profession, but we've been alerted how
busy it can all be. I'm kind of finding it hard picturing
myself with a family, married and my career, I don't want to
scare him off with this busy career. I do happen to be the
family type and would like to spend time with my family when
married. Any suggestions. Thank you. Parted by Miles Dear Parted by Miles, First of all, you can't scare him off with a busy
schedule if what you have is real love. Nor can the miles
between you dampen the spirit in your hearts if you are both
determined to be together when you finish school. And you
are already staying in touch through email and phone
calls. So we think there must be more to your request for help
than you have shared with us. Perhaps it is your discomfort about being the one who is
out of your country and not your man. Or perhaps it's your
fear that you are being more ambitious than your boyfriend.
We can only guess. The fact is that many, many women have demanding careers
and families. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Many would
tell you Yes! In fact, in one-third of married couples in
the U.S. the woman earns more than the man. And certainly
many of these couples are having children. So there's no
reason you can't do it as well. Unless there's more to your
concerns than you've told us. Please let us know. © 2001 The New Intimacy Even the simplest moment is an opportunity for real
romance, the kind of romance that's available everyday. JUDITH: This afternoon I went to the dentist and then to
the market. I saw seedless watermelons on sale and bought
two. I know Jim loves seedless watermelon and I was very
pleased to be bringing them home for him and us. JIM: When Judith arrived she said "I have a treat.
They're in the car." I went to the cars and saw that they
were huge. As I brought them in Judith told me they were on
sale. Okay, so where's the romance? JUDITH: I was delighted to see Jim's delight with the
seedless treasures. He smiled and was truly appreciative.
JIM: And I know Judith loves a bargain. I imagined her
delight in finding such large watermelons at so good a
price. We stood together in the kitchen sweetly appreciating
each other for what pleased and pleasured us. That's
real romance. Genuinely felt love and affection in the midst
of a very daily event. You don't have to look for fireworks
to feel romance. It's all around you everyday, in the small
delights that convey your ongoing love for your partner and
for your relationship. The New Intimacy We want to continue with the idea of intimacy contained
in a simple everyday event. For example, the simple handshake. That common gesture,
recognized throughout the world, happens countless times a
day. It is so common that we take it for granted. But a
moment's thought reveals that, when a handshake is sincere,
it is both complex and complete while being exquisitely
simple. First, it is an act of giving. You extend your hand to
another as a means of greeting. You reach out as an
expression of strength or tenderness, as a way of making
yourself available. At the same time, you accept the other person's hand as a
way of welcoming, of recognizing, of affirming. In one and the same moment, you give yourself and accept
the other, and you do it without thinking. Both of you,
giving and receiving, open and available, connected and
intimate. Why do we write about this? To heighten your awareness,
and ours, to the many times and many ways we make contact
with one another without truly appreciating what is going
on. We miss the subtle which is before our very eyes. And
then we are trapped into looking for that which is
emotionally intense as the only feeling-filled experience
that catches our attention. Have you been in a movie theater recently and felt
bombarded by the sound level? That's an example of the need
to ratchet up the intensity as a way of feeling alive. How many people break off their relationships because
"the thrill is gone?" They yearn for the beginning-time when
it was impossible to miss the newness. You've heard the complaint that the older we get the less
wonder there is in life. That's followed by the wish to be
like a child, with the hope of being dazzled again with
awe. We confuse that childlike wonder with the need to have
emotionally large experiences. In other words, if we don't
get knocked out of our socks, like a child seeing something
for the very first time, whatever we're experiencing is too
familiar to be interesting. Then we're forced to emotionally
rev up our experiences to make them meaningful. Yet the
awesomeness is everywhere around us, when we learn to look
to the subtle, the simple and the daily. To keep romance alive, begin looking to the ordinary, to
that which is around you every day. Then ask yourself
"What's going on here that I haven't paid attention to?" At
first you probably won't see much difference. But that's
just a matter of habit. As you continue to open to what is
not readily apparent you will begin to see more and more and
more. Then the wonder returns. Not as childlike wonder, but
as an adult mature wonder. When you make a sincere commitment to open your eyes,
mind and heart, then even a simple handshake will bring you
joy and the awareness that your life is filled with pleasure
and meaning, even in the hard times. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, My life basically consists of taking care of my children
(19 months and 5 months old ), my grandfather ( almost 80
years old ), my husband and of course myself. I wake up
every morning, get the kids ready to go to the sitters and
get myself ready and out the door by 7:20 a.m. On the days
my husband opens at his work I have to help him get ready
too. I work from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Mon-Fri. After work I go
pick up the kids from the sitters and if my husband opens I
go pick him up then go home. When I get home I immediately
make dinner, get the kids cleaned up and ready for bed. I
then wash the dishes and put them away and get myself ready
for bed. I have to clean on the weekends. My grandfather is almost blind and can't see the messes
he makes, so I have to clean up after him. My husband hardly
helps me voluntarily. I have to ask him for his help almost
all the time. We get along pretty well, but I wish he would
put himself in my shoes. We are going through a bankruptcy because we put
ourselves on too much debt before we got married. My questions are... How do I find time to take care of
myself so I can be a better wife and mother? What do I need
to change about myself to get my husband to understand where
I'm coming from? How can I show my husband that I love and
respect him for who he is? My husband and I are both 23 yrs. old and I am going to
start school in the fall, but he doesn't know what he wants
to do with his life. How can I encourage him to be the head
of the household and help him figure out what he wants to do
for the rest of his life? I feel really lost and
helpless. Sincerely, Loving Wife and Mother Dear Wife and Mother, The only way to find the answers to your questions -- is
to talk with your husband, ask questions to see how he
understands the workload in the house, and insist on talking
and investigating until the two of you understand one
another and know your goals in life. This may take weeks,
months, even years. But you must be persistent or you will
both lapse back into the lack of focus and unrealistic
expectations of life that got you into debt before you were
even married. Be firm and respectful of your husband, but do not back
down about your need for him to handle ½ of the house
and kids and your grandfather. Period. Somehow you learned
to take care of everyone but yourself. Is that what your
parents required of you? Is that what you learned at church?
Wherever it came from, it is a poor model of womanhood for
your kids and it enables your husband to remain a boy. Your relationship needs to be on equal footing for there
to be hope of a good future between the two of you --
otherwise you will strangle your love and life with
resentment and anger. Don't do it. You are young, so you may
need to grow considerable backbone in order to deal more
effectively with the challenges you face. We support you in doing so!!! © 2001 The New Intimacy You can offer an endearment to strangers. Recently we were driving home when, about one hundred
feet ahead of us a deer sprang from the woods. As it was
coming down from its leap it landed on the hood of a brand
new car, was thrown about fifteen feet into the air and onto
the medium, and then leapt up and darted away. The deer was
no doubt shocked, but it was obviously unhurt. The driver pulled her car to the side and, as we passed,
we decided to stop. Judith got out and walked to the other
car to see an older woman driving and a three year old child
in a safety seat in back. The child was wide-eyed and the
driver was alright. "Thank you for stopping," she said as she pulled Judith
close to protect her from the traffic. "We were concerned for you," Judith said. "Thank you so very much for caring," the woman smiled.
"We're a bit shocked but alright." As Judith was about to return to our car, the woman
tugged at her arm and said again, "Thank you so very much
for caring." We will never see her again. But we will remain a small
part of one another's lives forever. That's the power of an endearment. They are always
remembered, always cherished, and always create a real sense
of connection. The New Intimacy At the heart of the new intimacy is the capacity to
consciously open yourself and take in more and more of who
your partner truly is. That's much easier when what you want
to take in is familiar, something you already know and like.
But when it comes to differences, ranging from those that
are mildly dissimilar, to those that are foreign, or those
you've been forbidden to even consider, then love may no
longer be so easy or even so attractive. Simply put, loving someone who is like you is love, but
it's elementary and will remain relatively superficial.
Loving someone who is different is a love that requires
commitment and consciousness and care. It can take you into
profound realms of personal growth and remain a life long
adventure. The more you are willing to learn, to extend yourself
beyond what you've known, beyond what you are accustomed to,
you will be opening yourself to the vast panorama of life
and love. That kind of openness was very rare as recently as one
hundred years ago. People hardly moved away from home. They
married someone from the same community, whose lifestyle and
values were like their own. Their roles were clear and set
by tradition. Today, many of us move away from where we were born and
raised. We meet people who are very different from those we
knew growing up. What we want and expect from intimacy and
relationship is far less determined by rigid social
guidelines and more the result of our personal desires. That
means we now have to rely on our own knowledge, experience
and consciousness to discover what we want and how we will
conduct our lives. It is vitally important today to bring a strong sense of
identity to our relationships, because increasingly we are
free to make personal choices and are responsible for
managing the consequences. A strong, healthy identity will
allow you to stop experiencing differences as tiresome, even
threatening so you can come to respect and cherish them as
the exciting blessings they are. Creating and sustaining a fulfilling love relationship is
one of the most important things we do in life. Yet almost
no one receives any preparation. Would you send your child
to a school with unprepared teachers? Would you take your
car to an untrained mechanic? Would you trust your surgery
to someone whose only credential is an intense longing to be
a doctor? Yet, with twenty-five dollars for the license and
a willing minister or judge, anybody can leap into a trial
by fire -- get married and have kids, all on the dream of
"happily ever after." We live in very challenging times, so we need to have
compassion for ourselves. But there is much we can learn to
make loving and being loved more rewarding and deeply
fulfilling. Ask Judith & Jim Dear Judith & Jim, I have had a relationship with someone for 5 years. We
have been living together for 1 year. He goes to Cancun
every year with his male friends and refuses to take me. He
feels that he needs this time to chill with his male friends
and then he also wants a separate vacation with me. I can't
get him to agree to stop going to Cancun alone. This summer he is planning to go again and we had a huge
fight and he does not care -- he is still going. According
to him he needs this every year. I have never gone on a
vacation without him but I feel that it is time. I am
planning an all inclusive trip for a week to Punta Cana in
the Dominican Republic alone. Now I know that this is not
good for the relationship but I do not find a way to get him
to understand that we are a family and that he can no longer
go on vacation with male friends. According to him he is not sleeping with anyone but what
do I know. I feel that this is the only way to get him to
understand that what he is doing is wrong. Help, how would
you resolve this? I have not told him that I want to go
alone. A part of me just wants to surprise him and tell him
a day before I leave because, I know that he will make me
feel guilty about going alone or it might make things
worse. Please Help! Dear Help, You are stuck in a classic power struggle. Although
Cancun and Punta Cana seem to be the issue, what is really
at stake here is each of your unwillingness to change your
minds. He refuses to consider your needs and even withstands a
huge fight to maintain his position. You insist that going
away with his male friends is wrong and that he can no
longer do that. And neither of you has the care to sit down
and sincerely listen to the other. In short, you are at
war. You say you don't know whether or not he is sleeping with
anyone, even after he's told you he's not. After fiver
years, have there been any other clues that might lead you
to not believe him? Or is it just about this vacation
fight? If in fact he is not sleeping with anyone, what exactly
is the problem with going away with his guy friends? Why
does he have to chill every year without you? Do you know?
Really know? Are you enraged because he will not take you? If he is
truly going away with the guys, do you really want to be the
only female there? Imagine you going away with the girls and
his insisting that he be included? Would you want that? About your going to Punta Cana. If you spring it on him
as a power play, yes that will probably make things worse.
Why? Because it is just another punch in this fight you are
both carrying on. Look, there is more here than separate vacations and,
given what you've written, neither one of you are addressing
the underlying issues. Both of you are defending something you consider
precious. What is so important here to you? What is so
critical for him? And look to your feelings about it rather
than who goes where with whom. You seem to feel unwanted and abandoned by him with
regard to this issue. He appears to feel smothered by you so
he needs to get away. Your responses are typical for your
genders. We strongly suggest you get some counseling around this
so that when things flare up there is a reasonable third
party who can help you through the hurts. © 2001 The New Intimacy July 30-August 5 I am turning 34 next week and I am single, and somewhat
sad at the idea that I still don't have a serious
relationship that may lead to marriage. I have always wanted
to get married, it's such a cultural expectation for me, but
also a personal wish. Based on my choice of partners, I
acknowledge that I select men who are scared of commitment
and really reluctant to move toward marriage. Usually I am
the one who brings up the idea of marriage -- making them
feel "pressured" by my desire for marriage. I departed from
my boyfriend, right after Christmas, because he also said
that he did not want to marry at this time and why string me
along if he doesn't know that marriage will happen in the
future. We had been together for seven months and he had me
meet his family for the holidays. I don't ask for marriage
now, but I do see it for myself in the future. The minute I
say this to men, they seem to leave. Am I sabotaging my
relationships by voicing my interest to get married? I have
been unable to attract a long-term partner into my life. I
know that marriage is scary but I am willing and able to
enter into a committed relationship, regardless of fear and
any insecurities I might have -- but I don't meet men who
want to go in that direction with me. What must I do? If I
am setting myself up for disappointment, then I need to
figure out how to stop that. I really want to be committedto
someone who wants to settle down. I really don't want to
enter another relationship that leads to "just being
friends" --What must I do, think or adjust in order to
invite a partner into my life? Dear Still Single: You ask "Am I sabotaging my relationships by voicing my
interest to get married?" This is a wrong question. Why?
Because it keeps you focused on the men and their behaviors.
You place all of the power and responsibility for what
happens with them and then say -- "The minute I say this to
men, (i.e. your desire for marriage) they seem to leave."
What you are overlooking is your admission that you select
men who are afraid of commitment. Your assessment maybe
accurate. They may be afraid, as you say. But you keep
choosing them! So, who's afraid of commitment? Are you really, really,
willing to enter a committed relationship? The evidence
would not seem to support what you believe about yourself.
We live our priorities. That is a fact of life. Sometimes
those priorities are unconscious. When they are, they drive
us to repeat patterns. When those patterns go against what
we say we want, we can be assured that an unconscious
process is in charge.You say you want to be committed but do
not choose appropriate partners. What are you in allegiance
to that results in the choices you are making? There is a
value in choosing men who won't work out. What is it? This
is the question you must answer. © 2001 The New Intimacy
They are the bestselling authors of "The
New Intimacy" and "Opening
to Love 365 Days a Year." Their latest book is
Be
Loved for Who You Really Are: How the differences
between men and women can be turned into the source of the
very best romance you'll ever know. Visit their website
at www.thenewintimacy.com
For their free weekly email newsletter, send email to
thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com
You can write us with questions about your personal
relationship. We print one letter a week with our answer.
You can reach us at: thenewintimacy-list-owner@mail-list.com
Archive 2001, Archive
2000.
December 17-23
December 10-16
December 3-9
November 26-December 2
November 19-25
November 12-18
November 5-11
October 29 - November 4
October 22-28
October 15-21
October
8-14
October 1-7
September 24-30
September 17-23
September 10-16
September
3-9
August 27-September 2
August 20-26
August 13-19
August 6-12
July 30-August 5
Quote of the Week
Quote of the Week
Quote of the Week
Quote of the Week
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
From Judith & Jim
One of the markers of childhood is the need to have the
environment - family, neighborhood, etc. - provide a sense
of being alive. For example, mothers are constantly creating
things for their children to do to keep them busy. So
children learn to rely on what's outside of them to be the
source of their life. That's one way they learn to become
intimate with what's around them. They are children, after
all, and have little internal sense of self they can rely
on.
The other day we took a walk out to a nearby field. Behind
several tall pines, hidden away from open view, a single,
small flower spread its blossoms toward the sun. It was a
deep red, vivid -- very strong and straight on its thin
stem.
From Judith & Jim
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Loving Endearments
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim:
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