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June
The Father’s Day I Wish For
As a 55 year old daughter, what do I wish for
Father’s Day? Foremost, I wish my father was
still alive. I don’t have to wish we had loved
each other. We did. I don’t have to wish we
had been proud of each other. We were. I don’t
have to wish we had resolved the conflicts that
plagued us during my twenties. We had. I don’t
have to wish he had been spared a painful or
lingering death. He died quickly and unexpectedly
one winter evening - toppling forward in his
favorite reclining chair after eating a bowl of
chocolate ice cream, my mother nearby knowing
immediately that he had died – instantly,
peacefully – just after saying “that was
good, Fran”.
And yet I wish – I wish we had been
comfortable and more open talking about the things
that mattered most – the personal, significant
parts of our lives like my divorce, his being a
grandfather, his childhood, the deaths of his
parents and his lifelong friend Paul, his aging,
spirituality, regrets, fears, hopes and plans for
the future – mine and his. And as
Father’s Day approaches, again I am reminded
that my father and I were most relaxed with each
other when other people were around and when the TV
was on. And it was always harder for me to choose a
gift for him than for anyone else I loved. Why was
that?
Now I know why. And so I wish - I wish I had
realized that loving my father was not the same as
knowing him – and that loving him was not the
same as allowing him to know me. Had I really known
my father, choosing gifts for him would have been
easier. And had I known how to get to know him,
spending quiet time alone with him would have been
a relaxing treat. Loving one another was easier
than getting to know one another – easier than
exploring and sharing the real “stuff” of
our lives.
Why? Why didn’t I make time to be alone
with my father? Why didn’t I ask him
meaningful questions or explore his life and mine
with him? I wasn’t a kid. I was 40 when he
died. Besides, I’m a psychologist, a
professor, an author. I’m good at getting
people to open up and engage in meaningful
conversations. Sure, Dad could be sullen,
difficult, withdrawn, moody. But I’ve gotten
to know plenty of people with those traits better
than I got to know my own father.
So what was I thinking all those years - that
because he was a man or because he was my father,
he wouldn’t want us to get to know one another
better? That he would refuse to tell me anything
important about his life? That he didn’t have
anything wise or insightful to share with me? That
he didn’t have the same desire I had to be
self-disclosing and known by those we love? That
even if I was sincere and persistent, he would
laugh at me or reject my attempts to be more
emotionally intimate?
And so I wish – I wish for a Father’s
Day where I would spend hours alone with my father,
asking the personal, meaningful questions that I
have spent the years since his death trying to
teach other daughters to ask their fathers. I wish
I had fully embraced my father, rather than simply
loving him.
©2008 Dr. Linda
Nielsen
See Books,
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Resources
* * *
It is easier for a father to have children than
for children to have a real father. Pope John
XXIII
Dr. Nielsen
has been teaching, counseling, conducting research
and writing about adolescents and father-daughter
relationships since 1970. A member of Phi Beta
Kappa and the recipient of the outstanding
graduate's award in teacher education from the
University of Tennessee in 1969, she taught and
counseled high school students for several years.
After earning a Master's Degree in Counseling and a
Doctorate in Educational and Adolescent Psychology,
she joined the faculty of Wake Forest University in
1974. Her grants and awards include the Outstanding
Article Award in 1980 from the U.S. Center for
Women Scholars and a postdoctoral fellowship from
the American Association of University Women. For
the past fifteen years she has focused primarily on
father-daughter relationships with a special
emphasis on divorced fathers and their daughters.
Her work has been cited in the "Wall Street
Journal" as well as in popular magzines such as
"Cosmopolitan", and shared through television and
radio interviews..
In 1991 she created her "Fathers
& Daughters" course - the only college course
in the country that focuses exclusively on
father-daughter relationships. In addition to
having written several dozen articles for journals
such as the "Harvard Educational Review" and the
"Journal of Divorce & Remarriage", Dr. Nielsen
has written three books: How to Motivate
Adolescents (Prentice Hall) and Adolescence: A
Contemporary View (Harcourt Brace) which sold more
than 60,000 copies and was adopted by hundreds of
universities throughout the country and abroad
between 1986-1996. Her third book, Embracing
Your Father: Creating the Relationship You Want
with Your Dad was
published in April, 2004. www.wfu.edu/~nielsen
or E-Mail
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