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Menstuff® has compiled information and books
on the issue of relationships. This section is an
archive of a weekly column featured daily on our
homepage by husband and wife psychology team,
Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski. They live in
Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5 PM and
Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com.
They are the bestselling authors of "The
New Intimacy" and "Opening
to Love 365 Days a Year." Visit their
website at www.thenewintimacy.com
For their free weekly email newsletter, send email
to thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com
You can write us with questions about your personal
relationship. We print one letter a week with our
answer. You can reach us at: thenewintimacy-list-owner@mail-list.com
Archive 2001
Updated 12/25/00.
December 25-31
December 18-24
December 11-17
December 4-10
November 27-December
3
November 20-26
November 13-19
November 6-12
October 30-November
5
See Books,
Issues
December 25-31
Last Saturday night we went to a Chamber Music
Concert here in our small town. It was held in an
historical church turned Civic Center, seating only
250. These world class musicians were invited to
play by fellow members of the NY Metropolitan
Opera, who live here, and were payed far less than
they are accustomed to.
Rather than holding back, assuming that the
small-town audience wouldn't know the difference,
or protecting themselves from whatever inadequacies
they might encounter (like having to wait in the
tiny, adjacent library before going on), they gave
the most masterful performances we've ever seen in
our lives! They played from their hearts and souls
and they demanded with their very beings that we
all go with them into the ecstatic passions that
drove their spirited playing.
You might imagine that a rural audience would be
polite, reserved in their appreciation for these
musicians with foreign names, these players who
pushed their instruments and their bodies into a
impassioned duet of epic astonishment. But, no,
these people in shorts and slacks lept to their
feet, screamed out their joy and showered a
reciprocal intimacy right back to those on the
stage!
Judith was in tears much of the time, in awe of
the unspeakable beauty made possible only by the
musicians' giving themselves into the larger forces
of the music. Jim was swept up in a kind of cosmic
oneness with all life, as he opened to the power
and majesty of the playing. We held hands, made
knowing eye contact and shared the ecstasy
together. Intimacy upon intimacy sweeping back and
forth from stage to audience and back again
transforming everyone.
Intimacy is about opening yourself, entering the
moment, eager to see what is calling you. How often
do you open yourself that way to your marriage,
your relationship, your date? How often do you open
yourself fully to yourself, letting your soul speak
to you, engaging intimately with what wants to be
revealed within you?
Like those musician, intimates must practice.
And, they must also surrender to the force of the
flow between them. That's what leads to the heights
and the depths of being together with someone.
That's what makes the music of passion.
We opened last Saturday night and were filled.
Please join us in saying yes to passion, yes to
experience, yes to life!!!!!
© 2000 The New Intimacy
December 18-24
Winter is setting in here in the mountains. The
tress have dropped their leaves, the grass isn't
growing, frost is a regular morning visitor and ice
is not too far away. It's almost past remembering
that the hills and pastures were bursting with
wildflowers just a few short months ago.
But the lush, verdant summer is only one season,
like lusty passion is only on expression in the
life of a relationship. Things change, and
sometimes the beauty is not immediately
apparent.
As we walk along the road the winter colors are
muted and unassuming. We can't rely on them to
excite us. Instead, we have to give more of
ourselves, we have to open and extend ourselves. We
have to bring more to the exchange because one half
of the partnership - the winter landscape - doesn't
have the energy it once did.
Love is like that. Sometimes our partner doesn't
have it to excite us. Sometimes they don't feel
well. Sometimes they're depressed. Sometimes they
just want to be quiet. They're muted and
withdrawn.
That's when we have to extend ourselves, our
sensitivity, and look for the beauty of the moment.
It won't leap out and grab us but it's there. And
it doesn't mean there's anything we have to do but
be respectful of the what's happening and, like in
the winter, open to what it has to offer. It will
return the rich gifts of it's season and, after a
time, will be wildflowers again.
© 2000 The New Intimacy
December 11-17
We went away for Thanksgiving to visit Judith's
brother and his family and we returned to find that
the temperature had been in single digits, the
coldest so far this year.
We also returned to find the pipe from our well
was clogged with ice and so we had very little
water pressure. That means very little water.
So Jim set about pouring hot water on the pipe,
which thawed it enough to produce full, normal
water pressure. Then he stuffed fiberglass
insulation around the pipe which will keep it from
freezing again we trust!
We also discovered the drain from the kitchen
sink was blocked. When we tried to plunge it free,
we somehow created a siphon which drew water back
into the sink basin.
Before going to bed that night, Judith was
concerned that the sink might overflow and flood
the kitchen. Jim thought it was unlikely.
When we awoke in the morning there was, standing
on the kitchen counters, an assortment of twelve
containers pots, bowls, pans and one bucket --
filled with cold, clear water. Judith had been
right. Our mysterious siphon kept drawing all night
and because of her concern, she awoke twice during
the night and each time found herself bailing out
the sink in the kitchen.
We both bailed until the plumber arrived and
fixed the problem without his solving the mystery
of how we had "engineered" the siphon effect.
As this week's quote so rightly recognizes, it's
easy to think about, talk about, wish for love, but
doing love is not something we hear a lot about.
It's true that love is a feeling or a sentiment,
and that's important. But love is also, and more
often, an action. Do love.
JIM: Judith didn't wake me during the night. She
did her love and left it for me to be surprised by
the next morning.
JUDITH: Jim didn't ask me to crawl into the
utility shed with him, get on my hands and knees to
deal with the well-pipe. He did his love by doing
what had to be done.
And neither of us complained or bragged about
what we did.
It's so easy to take for granted the little
things we do for one another. But if you include in
your understanding of love that love is also an
action, then love blossoms all around you in all
the things that are done for you everyday -- at the
supermarket when the clerk takes extra care in
bagging your groceries; or at the bank when the
teller corrects your addition giving you more in
your deposit than you'd calculated.; and, of
course, when your lover does, without calling
attention to it, all the little things he or she
does that seem just part of the way you live
togther.
Love is very much expressed in action. Don't let
the little things go unappreciated. Life is so much
richer than many of us think.
© 2000 The New Intimacy
December 4-10
We are now residents of Windham, NY. We moved
here April 15th from Santa Monica, CA -- to live in
a 200 year old farm house that sits on 2 acres and
has its own pond!
We are seeing how this move has opened us in so
many ways -- ways we could never have predicted.
But first we had to trust our impulse to take a big
leap, to let go of a need for certainty. Of course,
the same leap is required when any of us starts a
new relationship or decides to give ourselves fully
to a marriage that has been neglected.
Here we are surrounded by more of God's beauty
than we imagined. We live on a road dotted with old
farm houses -- some with horses, one with sheep in
the front yard, another with pigs in the barn. The
skies are a painter's dream. And we get to live
here!! Why? Because we followed our yearning to
move beyond a lifestyle that had become
predictable, to dance with life in a way that would
challenge us to stay closer to the spirit of being
fully alive rather than clinging to the safe and
predictable. We gave ourselves to the adventure of
expanding intimacy -- both with one another and
with nature!
Certainly this change has come with challenges
-- the water smelled of sulphur and left our skin
slimey after a shower -- mice visited the kitchen
drawers and counters on a regular basis (it is an
old farm house!) -- the chimney was dangerously
cracked. Little by little we are getting all these
things taken care of.
But if this were a romantic relationship, the
love affair would most likely be over. Why? Because
the reality would be too different from what is
familiar. The need to grow into the challenges
would not fit the expectations of love, it wouldn't
be as it "should be."
Yet, we are both much the richer for these
encounters with reality. Each of us is more
resilient, more flexible, more conscious of the
positive blessings of our life here each and every
day. We remark, almost daily, on the new joy we
feel in being together, the deeper levels of
intimacy and tenderness we feel as a by-product of
going through these challenges side by
side.
Jim is learning how to put up wallpaper. Judith
is learning to wear hiking boots and "farm"
clothes. We're being changed in so many ways -- and
loving it!
Our wish for you is that you release any old,
outworn habits in your relationship(s) so that you
can open to more love in your life.
So, choose one thing that you will do
differently today. Let love play more in your life.
Trust that it will be good for you. Even if you are
scared or anxious, even if you feel out of control
-- do it anyway!!!!
© 2000 The New Intimacy
November 27-December
3
There is great wisdom in your choice of serious
love partners. Wisdom that doesn't always meet the
eye. In fact on the surface, it may seem like the
two of you are so different that you'll not even be
able to make it. But, with a full commitment to the
totality of love -- it's those very same
differences that will not only fertilize your love,
keeping your lives vital and always changing, but
will also spur you to greater personal growth.
Yesterday, Jim went into town for his morning
newspaper and donut pick-up. On his way out, Judith
handed him a form to take to the Library, so we
could formally apply to use the Civic Center for a
presentation we'll be making in September.
When he got back, Judith asked how it went at
the Library. Jim looked surprised. He'd forgotten
all about it and didn't even know where the form
was! Well! In the early part of our marriage (we've
been together 13 years, married 12) when this ditzy
side of Jim would show itself, Judith would usually
flip out. She'd get angry and scared and start
crying in total frustration! Sometimes it would
deteriorate into long, drawn out fights as we
struggled to find our equilibrium -- because Jim
never saw anything tragic going on and Judith
always did.
You see, Judith was raised in a family that took
getting things done "right" very seriously. So she
developed a perfectionistic bent, coupled with a
need to avoid "trouble" or getting into "trouble."
(Can you identify with that?) That followed her
into marriage and obviously caused a great deal of
pain for both of us.
The wisdom in marrying Jim is that today Jim is
still prone to being ditzy, but Judith has learned
from him that his "relaxed attitude" has never
caused a catastrophe and so she has relaxed
enormously and seldom gets upset anymore.
That's not to say that Jim is so relaxed he's
dangerous. We're only talking about
non-consequential issues. But it's often the little
things that drive people into divorce court when
they cannot tolerate each other's personal
styles.
Please remember - the other person is not you.
Your partner is not you. That may sound obvious,
even simplistic, but the next time you go off on
your partner because s\he or she hasn't done
something "right" - in other words, the way you
would do it or the way it should be done - you are
insisting there's only one person in the world and
that is YOU! Intimacy takes two and it's most
delicious when the two aren't the same. Then the
adventure of love can be wondrous and your
relationship can stay fresh and vital.
Jim found the Library form in his office. He'd
been distracted and left it behind. He turned it in
the next day. Judith didn't even lose a beat on
this one and got to celebrate her cool attitude and
tease Jim, in a loving way, about his "absent
minded Professor," which he didn't defend. We both
had a good time on our walk today talking about how
much we've learned from one another and how
grateful we are for it. That's what can happen
through the wisdom in your choice of one
another!
Take a look at all the ways your relationship,
even if it didn't work out, was a very wise choice
in terms of all you've learned from it! And be
grateful.
Husband and wife psychology team, Judith &
Jim, live in Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5
PM and Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com.
They are the bestselling authors of "The New
Intimacy" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a
Year." Visit their website at www.thenewintimacy.com
For their free weekly email newsletter, send email
to thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com
© 2000 The New Intimacy
November 20-26
One morning, during our walk along the road, we
noticed Baron, the horse next door, anxiously
ranging around his corral. He is a grey and white
dappled stallion with large brown beautiful eyes.
As beautiful as they are, they are a source of
maddening frustration for him because tiny flies -
"no-see-ums" because they are hardly visible -
hover around his eyes attracted to the moisture. He
keeps moving to get away, looking for a spot in his
corral where he can finally be at ease, an ease
that seems to be just out of reach.
Aren't we all just like Baron? Aren't we driven
to find a "place" where we can be at ease?
Our need for intimacy is like that. No matter
where we go, we yearn for closeness. We yearn for
the sustenance of relationship, because we are all
creatures who dearly and deeply depend upon one
another, not just for our daily bread but for what
our souls need - being seen, recognized,
appreciated for who we are. And so we keep ranging
around the corral of our lives pushed along by a
wordless need to find connection.
And yet, even in our most intimate moments,
there is still an echo of longing. We are called
beyond what is by a whisper that says, "There is
more. Reach out to me. There is more." We have what
we want and still there is more and so the longing
never recedes. Even though it can be less intense,
it never recedes.
What do we so deeply long for? What can yield
the ease that seems always just out of reach?
Within every intimate moment there is the
heartbeat of God. It doesn't matter what you
understand God to be, we live with the sense that
somewhere, someplace we will find home, that place
we will finally be at ease.
Intimacy is the doorway. Through intimacy your
heart can touch and be touched, and as you listen
very closely, there will be God - in your lover's
eyes, in your own pulse, in the life that emerges
when you let yourself be seen and known. And then
God smiles and says, "Thank you. I've so dearly
wanted to know you better."
There is a real and immediate sense of
connection waiting for you and it's available
everywhere - even in the eyes of a Baron living
next door who's trying to find his own place of
ease. Open and receive it. As you do, that face you
will glimpse out in the beyond may be God's and it
may be your own. After all, aren't they the same,
really?
Husband and wife psychology team, Judith &
Jim, live in Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5
PM and Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com.
They are the bestselling authors of "The New
Intimacy" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a
Year." Visit their website at www.thenewintimacy.com
For their free weekly email newsletter, send email
to thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com
© 2000 The New Intimacy
November 13-19
No matter how much two people have in common,
they will always be different in significant and in
tiny ways. The question is -- do you feel free to
speak up and deal with issues that bug you, hurt
you, scare you when your partner behaves in ways
you don't like? Or are you afraid that speaking up
will threaten your relationship?
If you fear that speaking up will make a problem
too huge to resolve, then you are voting for your
fear and your lack of value. Do you get that? Your
fear won't let you engage in a discussion about
changes that you want (and we ALL want some changes
in the course of a long term relationship) and you
are insisting that you aren't worthy of having a
voice -- only your partner is to be valued!
The other day Jim was touching up some paint on
a chair rail molding that he'd put up in our
hallway upstairs -- and HE WAS STANDING ON A NEW
ANTIQUE CARPET RUNNER we'd just purchased at an
auction here. When Judith saw this, she was
horrified for fear of a paint spill and shocked
that Jim would take such a risk. So she said, "Jim,
please don't ever leave anything valuable around
when you've got paint." And Jim said, "I'm being
careful." To which Judith replied, "OK, but most
accidents happen when we're being careful. Please
don't do it." In response Jim rolled up the rug and
said to Judith that he wouldn't do it again because
he wanted her to be comfortable and not
worried.
If Judith hadn't spoken up she would have stewed
over how dumb Jim can be, how his parents were dumb
not to teach him to protect things and she would
have continued to build a private case against Jim,
little by little distrusting him more and more,
undermining our relationship. That's the
destructive power of not speaking up!
In the new intimacy, love works because it is
based on a continually created relationship, in
which both people are loved for who they are and
feel safe to risk speaking up.
Don't cheat your love by hiding your complaints
or desires -- it needs the fertilizer of your
speaking up!
Husband and wife psychology team, Judith &
Jim, live in Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5
PM and Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com.
They are the bestselling authors of "The New
Intimacy" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a
Year." Visit their website at www.thenewintimacy.com
For their free weekly email newsletter, send email
to thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com
© 2000 The New Intimacy
November 6-12
One of the markers of childhood is the need to
have the environment - family, neighborhood, etc. -
provide a sense of being alive. For example,
mothers are constantly creating things for their
children to do to keep them busy. So children learn
to rely on what's outside of them to be the source
of their life. That's one way they learn to become
intimate with what's around them. They are
children, after all, and have little internal sense
of self they can rely on.
But, as we grow up, chronologically, at least,
our internal sense of self is supposed to emerge.
But there's no guarantee of that happening. Many of
us remain hooked to outside stimulation and cannot
hear the whispered prodding of our own soul.
But intimacy is about sharing what we're like
inside and receiving what our partner shows about
his or her inside. How do we develop an inside, a
sense of self from which we can have something to
share, to be intimate?
By "inside" we don't mean ideas you've learned
from books, or opinions you've snatched from
someone else. And we don't just mean feelings,
which are indisputably yours -- if you can
recognize them, that is. A sense of self begins to
grow when you consciously decide to shift from the
habit of looking out to others to stimulate you and
begin to rely on your inner Self.
To do that, at first you need to be quiet. Not
just silent, but still. The craving for outside
stimulation needs to cease being dominant.
Initially, it will feel like nothing's
happening, like your life has just shut down. At
that point, many people panic and go looking for an
energy fix. What they get is just energy. Perhaps
high energy, like loud music, but just energy.
When things shut down, that's the time to turn
your attention inward and listen -- with your
imagination, your intuition, your sense perception.
Become intimate with your presence in the world. If
you persist, the quiet deepens and you will become
more and more secure with your own internal
landscape. And then the sweetest intimacy will open
itself to you, an intimacy with your Self, with
others, with life, with God, with being. A sense of
profound connectedness will emerge, a sense of the
Eternal in the mundane, of the extraordinary in the
simplest events of your day. And you will feel a
closeness that only poetry can begin to convey - a
deep quiet closeness that is always present.
Let go the habits of childhood and step into
your own soul.
© 2000 The New Intimacy
October 30-November
5
The other day we took a walk out to a nearby
field. Behind several tall pines, hidden away from
open view, a single, small flower spread its
blossoms toward the sun. It was a deep red, vivid
-- very strong and straight on its thin stem.
"Proud," Jim said.
"Proud and powerful," Judith answered.
We both knelt next to it, captivated,
surrendering to an unexpected meditation.
So unseen this little red miracle was, so out of
the way, and that didn't matter at all. Appreciated
or not, it gave all it had to its life.
"Can we give everything," Jim whispered, "even
if what we do goes unacknowledged?"
"Especially if it goes unacknowledged!" Judith
smiled.
"I'd like that," Jim said, taking Judith by the
hand. "To live for the sheer experience of being
alive."
We felt small next to this giant flower and,
although we hadn't said a word, we knew we were
suddenly filled with deep longing.
Intimacy is like that, you know. When we allow
ourselves to open and connect, intimacy can be an
unexpected teacher, taking us into unacknowledged
places in our self.
Whenever any of us stops long enough to open, to
feel the tenderness that is at the core of being
alive, the magic of the mystery appears - right
there, wherever we are.
That little red flower became a portal, a
threshold into the world of the ordinary and the
sacred, into something completely expected and yet
utterly surprising. That's the pleasure and the
reward of real intimacy. It takes you through what
you already know out beyond your imagination.
We stayed with that flower for some minutes,
each in our own silence. And then, as though on
cue, we rose, and walked hand in hand back to the
house.
There are opportunities all around you, right
now, in your daily life, for intimacy to carry you
into yourself and out toward those you love.
Let it. Just say yes, open your eyes and let
it.
© 2000 The New Intimacy
* * *
Intimacy is spelled "in to me you see". - Stan
Dale
I have always made a distinction between my friends
and my confidants. I enjoy the conversation of the
former; from the latter I hide nothing. - Edith
Piaf
* * *
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