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Menstuff® has compiled information and books
on the issue of Relationships. This section is an
archive of a weekly column featured daily on our
homepage by husband and wife psychology team,
Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski. They live in
Windham, NY and can be heard M-F 4-5 PM and
Saturdays 9-Noon on www.wisdomradio.com.
They are the bestselling authors of "The
New Intimacy" and "Opening
to Love 365 Days a Year." Visit their
website at www.thenewintimacy.com
For their free weekly email newsletter, send email
to thenewintimacy-on@mail-list.com
You can write us with questions about your personal
relationship. We print one letter a week with our
answer. You can reach us at: thenewintimacy-list-owner@mail-list.com
Archive 2000.
Archive 2001
Updated 9/30/01.
October 1-7
Loving Endearments
The stereotype of men tells us that they are
incapable of being nurturing, attentive, and
supportive. Well we're always delighted to share
stories about men that counter such a crippling
image which isn't just crippling for men but for
women as well.
This endearment was submitted by our subscriber
Sharon.
I have the most wonderful man in the world. Fred
and I have a 4-year-old daughter, Logan, and I have
two sons from a previous marriage, Justin, 18, and
Perry, almost 16. Fred and I have been together for
almost nine years.
When I was 35 years old, I was pregnant with our
daughter. Fred stuck by me my entire pregnancy. He
was so excited that I was pregnant and he just
couldn't believe it. He did not think he could have
any children.
All through my moaning and groaning and getting
larger during my pregnancy, Fred was there for
anything and everything. I had a scheduled
C-section for delivery of our daughter, Logan, on
St. Patrick's Day in 1997. He never left my side
the entire time I was in the hospital. He did
everything for me.
No one had ever treated me that well in my whole
life. It felt so real and so special for Fred to
"be there" for me like that in so many different
ways. I will always love him for that. I will love
him for all the things he did for me and for all
the love he showed me at one of the times I needed
him most.
Thank God for Fred.
The New Intimacy
In the old intimacy, very often one spouse
unilaterally dictated how certain aspects their
life would be and the other spouse would singularly
dictate the rest. For example, he might take care
of their finances. She would know nothing about
their assets/investments, or on the other hand,
their indebtedness. She might make all the
decisions about how their house was to be decorated
and he would then live according to her taste.
In the new intimacy the couple jointly
co-creates their life. Both people are involved in
major decisions and many of the small ones.
We've been having our upstairs floors worked on.
Jim has really wanted the old planks laid bare.
Judith was willing to see what it would look like
since she'd never lived with hard wood floors.
A surprise came when Jim pulled back the old
grey carpet. The floors were painted colonial blue!
Then we learned that was popular in the past when
people had no money for rugs or carpets.
The magic of differences continues when we are
preparing for the day of the sanding. How do we
deal with the terrible noise and dust and then the
horrible smells of polyurethane? Jim would just
play it by ear from the moment the floor guy
arrived. Judith wanted to know what to plan for
where we'd stay, what work to take with us, where
we might go during the days to take care of things
we needed to get done and what might be fun, like
visiting the old mansions on the banks of the
Hudson River down near Poughkeepsie.
On the other hand, Judith would have let the
floor guy fill in some small holes (3" by 10") in
the flooring and as well as leave it to him to deal
with the large cracks between some of the planks.
Jim has made sure that those holes were filled and
he did it perfectly. He will also make sure that
the man has a clear idea of what we want the
finished product to look like before we depart. And
he made sure that everything was protected with
sheets of thick plastic taped around all of the
doors to the rooms where work wouldn't be done.
We went together to find a local B & B that
would be inexpensive and yet charming. Then we
talked through the general plans and then used our
natural skills and inclinations to work as a team
to get ready for the floor event.. Judith organized
the work to take with us and Jim prepared the
floors. No one dictating. No one left in the dark
about what would happen. No need to argue. No need
to get in each other's way. Yet each of us was
contributing and helping to make the best of the
disruptive situation.
That's an example of the practical, everyday
romance in the magic of differences that is at the
core of the new intimacy.
Ask Judith & Jim
Dear Judith & Jim,
I am 20 years old and I believe I have found the
one I want to spend my life with. He is 22 and the
type of person who looks at the big picture. I take
things moment by moment. We are like silver and
gold, very opposite. I am extremely sensitive and
like to talk about things and he keeps everything
inside unless I push him. I don't want to do that
but I want him to open up to me. He says he loves
me too and doesn't ever want to let me go. The
problem is he attends one of the best art schools
in the country down in Florida and I am in school
up here in New Hampshire. The relationship becomes
so stressful at times because of the distance. We
try to make time for each other when there isn't
any. But I have never been so sure of anything in
my life, he is the one for me. Right now we are
"taking a break" from the stress and trying to
start over. He wants to get back together when he
comes home this summer. I was wondering if you
could give me some advice on what I should do. When
we are together it is amazing, but when we are
apart we argue. I would move to Florida but he said
he would never ask me to do that. We have been
through so much together already. He supports me in
everything. I was diagnosed with depression/panic
disorder and have been suicidal in the past. But he
has stuck with me anyway and loves me for who I am.
I believe this relationship is worth fighting for
but I am lost on how to do it.
Sincerely,
Lost in NH when my heart is in FL
Dear Lost,
First of all you are not arguing because you are
apart. That you are apart geographically is merely
a fact of life. So the first question is, what are
you really arguing about that gets triggered by
being apart? Second, if you are both so certain
about one another, why are you broken up?
Do you argue from feeling insecure? Are you
suspicious of one another going out with other
people? Do you demand that contact be made by phone
and/or email when neither of you really has the
time? What is it that distracts you from the
reality of your two different school situations,
such that you argue instead of making the most of
your time apart?
Now, the fact is you cannot get back together
and "start over". You must live your relationship
in current time and deal with your history of
arguing.
Given the inclusion of your diagnosis of
depression/panic disorder and feeling suicidal, we
want to stress the need for you to look to your
family of origin for the root causes of these
feelings. How weren't you made to feel safe as a
child? How were you expected to meet your parents'
needs, rather than your own? At least from your
side of the arguing, we're betting this is where
you will find the root source for your discomfort
and upset.
And if you are not currently in therapy, we
strongly suggest you see a very experienced
therapist who specializes in helping people
emotionally leave their home of origin. By that we
mean that you need to develop a mature, independent
sense of your identity, instead of carrying around
your childhood programming as if it is the world
you live in now.
Please let us know your response to our
answer.
Judith & Jim
© 2001 The New Intimacy
See Books,
Issues
* * *
Intimacy is spelled "in to me you see". - Stan
Dale
I have always made a distinction between my friends
and my confidants. I enjoy the conversation of the
former; from the latter I hide nothing. - Edith
Piaf
* * *
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