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Menstuff® has compiled information and books
on the issue of Relationships. This section is an
archive Susie and Otto Collins's weekly column
featured daily on our homepage. They are spiritual
and life partners who are committed to helping
others create outstanding relationships of all
kinds. They regularly write, speak and conduct
workshops and seminars on love, relationships and
personal and spiritual growth to audiences all
across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship
Toolkit" which has helped people in over a dozen
countries improve their relationships. It includes
a video called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two booklets Love
and Relationship Success Secrets and 101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million Dollars!
You can also read more articles like these and
subscribe to their weekly newsletter on love and
relationships by visiting their web site at
www.collinspartners.com
 Their
new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go?
has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
Blending with the People in
Our Lives
The Challenge of moving from
"I" to "We"
Christmas. Being Present in
Your Relationships
A common relationship myth
destroyed...
Dealing with emotions as
they come up
Getting What You Want. .
.
How your Emotions can be
like a Jack-in-the-Box...
Looking Back
...
Making the Connection. .
.
"The one question you have
to ask yourself if your relationships aren't
what you want them to be--"
One Reason We Get
Disappointed in Relationships...
The Relationship Miracle
That Can Happen More Than Once...
10 Simple Things You Can Do
To Improve Your Relationships
Understanding Heals
Relationships
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Christmas. Being Present in
Your Relationships
The Christmas season is hectic with Christmas
shopping, food preparation, parties, relatives and
is a time usually filled with plenty of
expectations. Why not change your approach to the
chaos usually associated with this
holiday season?
Instead of just "giving presents", why not make
it your intention to "be fully present" with the
people you'll spend time with this holiday season.
To be "fully present" means focusing your attention
on the moment.
Stop all that chatter in your head. Stop
thinking about what you're going to say next while
the other person is talking. Instead, focus on
listening to your friends and relatives. Find out
something new that you did not know about them.
Send them love as you are talking and listening.
This is the best "present" you can give to anyone.
When you are being "fully present" with another
human being you are honoring them and as a result
will make them feel important and loved. Forget the
socks and cologne. Give the gift that keeps on
giving--love!
A common relationship myth
destroyed...
This weekend we went to a large holiday party and
part of the entertainment was a magic show. The
magician was very good at playing to the crowd and
getting them involved in his show.
When it came to the "slice your assistant's head
off" act, he chose Susie from the audience to be
his assistant.
In trying to entertain the audience, he made a
few wrong assumptions about Susie and our
relationship.
He first assumed that we weren't married because
we'd been holding hands and sitting closer than
most "normal married couples" during his act. Then
he tried to get Susie to admit that things in her
marriage weren't really that good and when that
didn't work--he then tried to get her to admit that
things weren't as good in our relationship as when
we first got together.
Fortunately, Susie came away from the night with
her head in tact, but we came away with a deeper
understanding of a common myth about relationships
in our culture.
This myth is that all marriages naturally
deteriorate over time and this deterioration is
just a natural evolution in all marriages or long
term relationships.
We just don't agree with that myth. We believe
that if both people are conscious in their
relationship and want to grow together, they do
things on a daily basis that promote a deep
connection. When couples do this, their
relationship can only improve with age.
What we do to keep our relationship alive,
connected and strong is that we both have
consciously decided that that is what we want.
We talk constantly about the things that are
important to us and we head off problems before
they become unmanageable and out of control.
We try to express appreciation for each other
every day. We express gratitude for our
relationship to each other and in our prayers each
day.
We are conscious that we may never have another
moment together in this lifetime and because of
this, we make every moment precious.
These are not just things that we do, but are
the common ingredients of every successful long
term relationship we have read about or heard
about.
So, we challenge you that if you are currently
in an intimate relationship, to begin incorporating
one or more of these ideas into your daily lives.
If you are not currently in an intimate
relationship and want to be, decide how you want
that future relationship to be.
Relationships are just like anything else in
this universe of ours. They are either getting
stronger or they're getting weaker. Whether your
relationships are getting stronger or getting
weaker, depends on your intentions and what both of
you are willing to put into the relationship.
Relationship Quote of the
Week
"But when two people are at one in their inmost
hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or
bronze; and when two people understand each other
in their inmost hearts, their words are sweet and
strong, like the fragrance or orchids." - I
Ching
One Reason We Get
Disappointed in Relationships...
Have you ever had a relationship that didn't work
out the way you had hoped, wanted or thought it
would? We're not just talking about intimate
relationships. We're talking about family, friends,
co-workers or any relationship. Most of us have had
relationships that have disappointed us in some way
or another.
The question would be...why do we have
disappointing relationships in our lives?
Stephen Levine co-author of "Embracing the
Beloved" answers this question beautifully when he
said "the problem with relationships is--it's a
collision of two different desire systems." When
you have two different desire systems, things may
not always work out the way you would like.
We've said this a lot in our previous
newsletters-- one of the big problems between two
people is each of them assuming that the other
wants what they want from the relationship.
What often happens is one or both people get
angry, frustrated, disappointed or upset with one
another because their desires or needs are not
being met. To make matters (or the relationship)
worse, not a word is said about any of this to the
appropriate person.
We think that the big reason that all of this
happens is that we assume that other people want
the same things in relationship with us that we do
with them. This is not always the case. Susie has
had the same best female friend for over 20 years.
They talk every day, they exercise together and
have shared secrets.
Susie used to be puzzled and hurt when her
friend would treat her differently when they were
together in a social situation than when they were
alone. Susie finally understood that this was just
her friend's nature--to try to connect with many
people and not just one in a social situation. They
later talked and laughed about these differences of
expectation in their relationship. As a result of
this experience, Susie learned that you can't
assume that everyone wants the same thing in
relationship as you do. Susie was hurt when she
felt like her best friend treated her differently
in social situations until she realized that her
friend meant her no harm and this was just her
nature.
In order to avoid being hurt, disappointed,
angry or upset with the people in our lives because
we aren't being treated the way we want-- we have
to talk, we have to communicate, we have to listen
and not make assumptions about their intent. We
have to let go of the judgement and allow others to
be who they are and just love them where they
are.
Now, if it's not healthy for you personally or
emotionally to be in relationship with someone, it
may be that you need to let that relationship go so
others can come into your life.
We don't need to make anyone else wrong just
because they have different desires and needs from
us. This week, you may want to talk with someone in
your life who has disappointed or hurt you about
your expectations and their expectations for the
relationship. If you do it in a non-judgmental way
with an open heart you'll be surprised what you may
learn.
Getting What You Want. .
.
You've heard the quotation by Henry David Thoreau
that "the mass of men lead lives of quiet
desperation." If this is true as Thoreau suggests,
it's because most people don't identify and ask for
what they want in their lives.
Maybe you're not living a "quiet life of
desperation" but if your relationships aren't the
way you'd like them to be, we think that asking for
what you want is a great place to start. Want more
help around the house? Ask for it.
Want more romance in your life? Ask for it. Want
more time together? Ask for it.
We've discovered that if you don't take the time
to first identify what you want and then ask for
what you want, you could get anything that other
people want to give you in life. You are living
from someone else's agenda and not your own. If
you're not clear on what you want, you are an
observer and not a participator in your life.
We've all bought into certain belief systems,
whether from our original family values or beliefs
that we've picked up along the way. Sometimes these
beliefs and values serve us greatly and sometimes
they don't. If we aren't conscious and aware, we
can be "ruled" by these beliefs and follow someone
else's agenda and not our own.
Many women have been taught to serve others
first and to put their desires last, if at all and
many men have been taught to be providers, above
all, and to put their desires last. Some of us even
feel that we don't "deserve" to get what we want
out of life. We believe that we all deserve to get
what we want from our lives.
The point is that you are the most important
person in your life and if you don't ask for what
you want, you won't get it. Now, this sounds
selfish but if you are not getting what you want
out of life, you are usually not happy, whether you
admit it or not.
The truth of it is that the people in your life
can sense your anger, resentment and unhappiness.
Susie's extended family used to regularly have
family get-togethers which lasted 2 1/2 days and
involved 10 or more people in one location. It was
her perception that she was doing the bulk of the
meal preparation and cleanup. After a few weekends
of feeling angry, she decided to tell the rest of
the family how she felt and ask them to take a more
active role in sharing the household
responsibilities.
They were more than willing to help. If Susie
had not said how she felt, she would have continued
to be angry and resentful and miss the
opportunities to connect in a loving way with the
people she cared about most.
The point is that no matter what you want in
life, you've got to ask to get it. In your
relationships--whether you want to be told how much
you matter to someone, you want to go out to dinner
with someone more often, or you want more quality
time with someone--it's up to you to speak up and
say what you want.
The Bible says, "Ask, and it will be given you;
But you first must ask! Give yourself permission to
ask for what you want in life because if you don't
ask, you won't get it. If this idea feels
intimidating to you, start small--but start asking
today for the things you want!
October 29-November 4
"The one question you have to ask yourself if your
relationships aren't what you want them to be--" By
Susie and Otto Collins
We were captivated by a story recently told on
"Oprah" by a woman who was a career librarian who
had never earned more than $18,000 a year in her
life. She was single and this was her only income.
Amazingly enough, she was able to save, in the
course of her lifetime, over $435,000!
Oprah's guest that day was a financial advisor
who gave a 10-point plan for how anyone with a
modest income could achieve the same results. His
points included taking your lunch to work every
day, eliminated cable tv, and paying yourself first
no matter what.
The woman who saved the $435,000 described how
she used aluminum foil repeatedly, how she made her
own clothes, and took her lunch to work
everyday.
The point of the show was to illustrate that
anyone, if they followed this plan, could amass a
small fortune within their lifetime by being
willing to do things that most of us aren't willing
to do.
The same exact principle applies in
relationships. It's entirely possible for you to
have outstanding relationships in your life if
you're willing to do certain things that most
people aren't willing to do.
So what that one question you have to ask
yourself if your relationships aren't what you want
them to be?
It is--"What is it you're not willing to do to
have great relationships in your life?"
We suggest that if you sincerely want to improve
your relationships that you spend some time
answering our question because your answers will
indicate where you need to start. So take some time
to consider these ideas and come up with your own
as well.
- Are you willing to communicate without
shutting down?
- Are you willing to give up blame, judgement
and the need to be right?
- Are you willing to tackle the issues and
challenges when they come up and not let them
fester?
- Are you willing to take responsibility for
yourself and your actions?
- Are you willing to make this relationship a
priority in your life? How much time do you
spend with that person?
These are just a few ideas to get you started
thinking about what you want in your relationships
and what's preventing you from having it. Deciding
what you want from your relationships is the first
step.
This exercise might help you discover where
there's some resistance that's preventing you from
having the type of relationship that you want.
Relationship Quote of the
Week
"Once we gather up the courage to stop running
away and face our fears as they arise, they are not
only manageable, but also invaluable to our
spiritual growth." Sue Patton Thoele
How your Emotions can be
like a Jack-in-the-Box...
It's been our observation that most of us will do
almost anything to avoid feeling negative
emotions.
Resisting or hiding from unwanted feelings never
pushe them away. They just get stuffed down and as
Steven Covey says, "come up later in uglier
ways."
This isn't the purpose of emotions--to be
stuffed down, pushed away and never to be dealt
with. The purpose of emotions is to serve as a
barometer for whether your life is flowing and in
balance or not.
Karla McLaren in her tape series "Emotional
Genius" said that emotions signal imbalance. They
help you move to understanding and then to
resolution of a situation or problem. She went on
to say that they can also be clear signals from
your inner wisdom that you have lost your way.
What we are saying is-- don't be afraid of your
(or anyone's) emotions. The exception of course
being if you feel you are in physical danger.
If you want close, connected relationships, you
have to be willing to deal consciously with both
your and your partner's emotions. You can't sweep
your thoughts, emotions and desires under a rug and
not deal with them and then hope that everything
will turn out just fine. It just isn't
possible.
Remember the Jack-in-the box you had when you
were a kid? You'd wind the crank over and over
while the silly song played and you didn't know
when Jack would burst out of the box right in your
face.
When you stuff your emotions down or push them
away, they act just like your old Jack-in-the-box.
You know they're going to blow up in your face, but
you just don't know when.
We've discovered the best way to keep emotions
from blowing up in your face is to first be aware
of what you are feeling and then deal with them as
they come up--with grace.
When anger, for example,arises in either one of
us, we have an agreement that we will get to the
bottom of it as soon as possible. An important key
is that we both listen and speak about the issue
with open hearts.
We made that agreement when we came together and
it has helped us heal our relationship when tough
issues and challenges come up.
If you want outstanding relationships,we
recommend that you make this same agreement with
the people in your life.
Relationship Quote of the Week
"Once we gather up the courage to stop running
away and face our fears as they arise, they are not
only manageable, but also invaluable to our
spiritual growth." Sue Patton Thoele
Blending with the People in
Our Lives
Recently, we had a conversation with another couple
who, like us, are trying to blend two families into
one. As we talked about our conversation later, we
realized that this is exactly what is going on in
every relationship. We contend that every
relationship is a "blended" family--work
situations, social groups, church groups and even
your weekend softball team and bridge club.
Every relationship between two people consists
of two ways of looking at the world and two sets of
rules for their lives--much like the blending of
two different sets of children who have been raised
with different standards of discipline and
different ideas of their place in a family
unit.
We believe that we are in relationships to learn
from each other and to heal the parts of ourselves
that need to be healed.
People are usually resistant to differences in
another because we're more comfortable in
associating with people just like us--even if we
don't admit it. But the problem is--there's no
growth unless we open to understanding and possibly
adopting some of those different ways that we see
in someone else.
The father we were talking to told us that
through this sometimes rocky attempt at "blending"
two families, he had grown more lenient by
accepting his wife's example and she has become
more consistent in her parenting by his
example.
This was a wonderfully loving story that
demonstrates how two people with different
parenting skills could actually learn from each
other.
This is what we all should do with all the
people in our lives--love and accept them and
whenever possible, try to learn from them.
What could the people in your life teach you if
you weren't too stubborn or resistant to change?
We've heard it said that the best description of
insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting a different result. If you want your
relationships and your life to improve, you need to
be more open to what others can teach you (even if
that other person irritates you).
What we are beginning to learn in our own
"blended" family is unconditional love, one moment
at a time and to not take things personally, as Don
Miguel Ruiz author of "The Four Agreements"
suggests.
So we suggest that you look at the differences
of the people in your "blended" families as a way
to embrace new possibilities for your life instead
of looking through the lens of judgement.
Stay open--Don't jump to immediately disagree
but listen and find out what
Relationship Quote of the Week
"Don't ever think you know what's right for the
other person. He might start thinking he knows
what's right for you." Paul Williams
Understanding Heals
Relationships
One of the biggest roadblocks to making
relationships work is that we all think that
everyone else looks at the world the same way we
do.
We have discovered that one way to bettering
your relationships is through understanding the
other person--by looking at the situation from
their frame of reference as well as your own.
Stephen Covey's 5th habit in the "7 Habits of
Highly Effective People" advises us to "seek first
to understand, then to be understood." We've found
out that it is impossible to judge another unfairly
or harshly when you truly understand where they're
coming from.
Otto tended to judge his parents for their lack
of parenting skills until he truly understood the
implication of both his father and his mother
losing a parent very early in their lives. Neither
of his parents had the privilege to learn parenting
skills from their parents. After understanding this
about parents, Otto realized that they were just
doing the best they could when they parented him.
He had known that his parents lost their parents at
an early age but it wasn't until recently that he
really understood how deep the pain and grief was
within them and just what this loss meant.
If you truly understood what was going on with
the person who just cut you off in traffic or was
unkind to you at work, you would not be upset with
them but would be compassionate.
Brian Weiss in his book "Messages from the
Masters" says, "Just as love brings profound
healing to our relationships, understanding brings
a lessening of fear. Understanding opens the window
through which love's breeze gently blows away our
doubts and anxieties, refreshing our souls and
nurturing our relationships."
Stephen Levine talks about having mercy for each
other. To us, this doesn't mean feeling sorry for
someone but rather to feel compassion and
understanding for the road they have had to
travel.
Being conscious and respecting the other
person's differences creates understanding and that
creates healing.
So the next time you find yourself judging
another person, stop and try to understand their
frame of reference. It doesn't mean that you have
to agree with their lifestyle or adopt their ideas,
but true healing will happen if you open yourself
to understanding them.
We have found that to understand another person
requires you to let down your defenses and as Don
Miguel Ruiz says to not take anything personally.
We also have found that listening with a loving
heart is important because you can't be loving and
judging at the same time. Many people want to judge
and crucify first and then love later but that's
their fear speaking.
Think about your interactions with people who
frustrate, irritate and anger you. Have you taken
the time to understand what's going on with them?
There may also be something that you need to look
at within yourself. There may be some pain within
you that you haven't wanted to address.
So take some time to understand and show
compassion. You will see real healing in your
relationships if you do.
***********
We're working on a new book and we'd like your
help ... Please tell us what is your most
challenging relationship issue? We can't answer
everyone personally but this info will really help
us in our research. Please Email your response to
us at mailto:webmaster@collinspartners.com
Thanks, Susie and Otto
********
Relationship Quote of the
Week
"Try very hard not to see your partner as the
enemy." Neale Donald Walsch
"The one question you have
to ask yourself if your relationships aren't
what you want them to be--"
We were captivated by a story recently told on
"Oprah" by a woman who was a career librarian who
had never earned more than $18,000 a year in her
life. She was single and this was her only income.
Amazingly enough, she was able to save, in the
course of her lifetime, over $435,000!
Oprah's guest that day was a financial advisor
who gave a 10-point plan for how anyone with a
modest income could achieve the same results. His
points included taking your lunch to work every
day, liminated cable tv, and paying yourself first
no matter what.
The woman who saved the $435,000 described how
she used aluminum foil repeatedly, how she made her
own clothes, and took her lunch to work
everyday.
The point of the show was to illustrate that
anyone, if they followed this plan, could amass a
small fortune within their lifetime by being
willing to do things that most of us aren't willing
to do.
The same exact principle applies in
relationships. It's entirely possible for you to
have outstanding relationships in your life if
you're willing to do certain things that most
people aren't willing to do.
So what that one question you have to ask
yourself if your relationships aren't what you want
them to be?
It is--"What is it you're not willing to do to
have great relationships in your life?"
We suggest that if you sincerely want to improve
your relationships that you spend some time
answering our question because your answers will
indicate where you need to start.
So take some time to consider these ideas and
come up with your own as well.
- Are you willing to communicate without
shutting down?
- Are you willing to give up blame, judgement
and the need to be right?
- Are you willing to tackle the issues and
challenges when they come up and not let them
fester?
- Are you willing to take responsibility for
yourself and your actions?
- Are you willing to make this relationship a
priority in your life? How much time do you
spend with that person?
These are just a few ideas to get you started
thinking about what you want in your relationships
and what's preventing you from having it. Deciding
what you want from your relationships is the first
step.
This exercise might help you discover where
there's some resistance that's preventing you from
having the type of relationship that you want.
10 Simple Things You Can Do
To Improve Your Relationships..
1) Start Your Day off with a prayer of gratitude.
This is how we start each and every day. Before our
feet ever hit the ground in the morning --we say a
prayer of gratitude for all the good things about
our lives.
By doing this what we find is that it sets the
tone for the day in a very positive way. We express
gratitude for each other, the people in our lives
and the abundance that surrounds us all.
2) Make your relationships a priority. If
your relationships aren't what you want them to
be--one of the reasons may be that you haven't made
them a priority.
Whether it be with your intimate partner, your
mate, the people you work with, the people in the
social organizations you belong to or the people
you meet on the street---make ALL your
relationships important--More important than
getting things done.
3) Turn off the TV or Stop spending so much time
on the Internet Start reading self development or
inspirational books -- maybe a chapter a night with
someone you care about and then discuss the
important discoveries you make about yourself and
each other. We suggest Gary Zukav's Seat of
The Soul, Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four
Agreements and Gay Hendricks book Conscious
Living as good books to start with.
4) Be present in All your relationships In every
relationship you're in and in every personal
encounter give whomever you're with your full
attention. Giving another person your full
attention is as good of a gift as you can give
anyone.
5) Love the other people in your life the way
they want to be loved and not how you think they
want to be loved. Believe it or not there is a
difference in almost all cases because we all come
from a different set of circumstances and
experiences. So take the time to ask the
people in your life--"how do you want to be treated
or loved?" Then treat them that way.
6) Speak your truth in all your relationships.
Sometimes we think we are being kind to another
when we hold back from telling another person how
we are feeling. We've found that if you want your
relationships to be real and authentic instead of
being mired in fear, you need to speak your
truth.
7) Honor the people in your life even when
they're not present. If you have an issue with
someone that needs to be addressed--be sure to
address it with that person and not make it a part
of water cooler conversation at work.
8) Listen to self-development or inspiring tapes
in the car instead of the radio. The average person
will spend over 750 hours a year in a car traveling
somewhere. You can be using that time for personal
and spiritual growth instead of listening to the
latest information about wrecks and drug busts on
the news. For some great titles of audio tape
programs to get you started click here www.collinspartners.com/relationships/recommendedbooksandmusic.htm
9) Don't take anything personally. This is great
advice and is one of the four agreements from Don
Miguel Ruiz's book--The Four Agreements.
If someone else is having a bad day it may have
nothing to do with you. If someone you come in
contact with is inconsiderate or rude just practice
sending them love instead of taking offense. You
have no idea what things may be happening in the
life of that other person.
10) Tell the people in your life how much they
mean to you. Otto's father has had a saying for
many years that he wants his flowers while he's
living. What this means is, he wants to know how
much the other people in his life care now instead
of after he is gone. Honor the people you love
today. Don't wait.
Relationship Quote of the Week
"In every relationship, whether it be a friend,
family member or a colleague, or a deep-loved one,
what is required is a child-like
innocence...loyalty and committment...and the gift
of spaciousness--the allowing of space for
contemplation, introspection and the need for being
alone." Angeles Arrien
Looking Back ...
A few days ago Otto was having a conversation with
someone that he couldn't get out of his mind. In
this conversation Otto was telling this person
about some challenges he was having in his life.
This person told him that a wise person once
counseled him that when things in your life aren't
making sense and you are confused and frustrated to
understand that when you get to the end of your
life and look back, every-thing will make perfect
sense.
We thought this was excellent advice for looking
at one's relationships as well. Sometimes we don't
understand why we are involved with someone in a
particular relationship or why someone has such a
hold on us. We don't understand why someone comes
into our lives for a brief time and then leaves.
Then there are other relationships that we might
have our entire lives--some good, some not so good.
The point is that at the end of our lives, if we
take a conscious look at our relationships, every
one of them will have served us in our growth in
some form or the other.
Some time ago Otto met a woman who had a
dramatic effect on his life. He didn't realize it
at the time but later completely understood the
purpose of that relationship. After the
relationship with this person was over, they both
completely understood that her role in his life was
to be a bridge.
This relationship gave Otto the vision of what
was truly possible in relationship that he wasn't
able to experience with his first wife. Even though
this relationship was very brief, had he not met
this person, he would not have been ready to create
the incredible relationship he now has with
Susie.
So instead of looking at that relationship as a
failure and one that didn't work, he looks at it as
a blessing from God and is thankful everyday for
what she gave him.
What we've learned is that if a relationship
isn't working out, it may not be a bad thing or a
failure that our society likes to label it. It just
may be that you have learned what it is that you
were supposed to learn by being in a relationship
with that other person.
We're not suggesting that you take your
relationships lightly and throw them away at the
first sign of conflict--Quite the contrary.
What we are saying is that the purpose of
relationships is to help us to grow--personally and
spiritually. Even the relationships are most
troubling to us can be gifts in learning more about
ourselves. Those people who really get under our
skin can be our best teachers.
So instead of looking at relationships that
didn't work out the way we had hoped as failures,
look at them as growth experiences and move forward
consciously by learning from them.
Ask yourself--what did I learn about myself by
being in a relationship with this other person? How
did it help me to move forward and heal, learn and
grow?
Know that every person who comes into our
lives-- whether 5 minutes, 5 years or 50 years--can
be a powerful teacher for you if you will only open
yourself to the possibility.
The Relationship Miracle
That Can Happen More Than Once...
While searching the web recently for the perfect
movie to go to, we stumbled across a trailer for a
movie called "Someone Like You."
We didn't see the movie,but we did figure out
from the film clip that it was about a woman who
just couldn't seem to create relationships with men
that worked.
There was a great line from the film clip that
summed up one of the biggest fears people have
about relationships which were once filled with
passion, life and connection but are no longer
working.
The line was--"Maybe that's why we hold
on--because we don't believe such a miracle could
happen more than once."
The "miracle " is the passion, love and
connection that we are told will only come around
once (if we are lucky).
Were here to suggest that yes, it can happen
more than once because it has happened more than
once to both of us.
We get e-mail messages every day from people who
are hanging on to relationships that apparently
have no life to them at all. Some of these are
people who are in relationships that were once
alive but no longer are. And there are other people
who write to us who are lingering in relationships
that have never worked.
At the very foundation of both of these examples
is fear.
Fear can manifest itself in a multitude of
disguises-- Fear of what others will say, fear of
being a failure(again), guilt, fear of not being
able to please others,fear that the relationship
that you find yourself in is as good as it gets and
more.
But, the bottom line is if you don't have the
relationship that you want--you don't feel worthy
to step up and claim the relationship of your
dreams.
Think back to when you were a kid and one summer
you or your very best friend moved away. Your heart
was crushed and you thought you'd never find
another "best friend" again.
But, you probably did.
Now, we're not suggesting that you lightly throw
your intimate relationships away when things get a
little tough or that they are easily replaced. On
the contrary, we believe that these times are great
periods of growth if both people are willing and
open to communicating with each other.
What we're saying is that if you have satisfied
yourself that you have done everything you can
possibly do to make this relationship work and it
still isn't working--it may be time to move on.
If you have decided it is time to move on it is
our knowing that YES the miracle of love can happen
twice or more.
Last year we were at Omega Institute in New York
attending a weekend workshop with Gary Zukav and
His spiritual partner Linda Francis.
Their workshop was wonderful--but what was
equally as wonderful was watching, when our
workshop was not in session, Sam Keen, The author
of the book,"Learning to Fly" teach novices how to
"fly" on the trapeze.
In each case, every person had to be willing to
let go of one trapeze bar in order to "fly" and
catch the other.
We often think of this wonderful example when we
are faced with letting go of a job or something in
our lives that no longer serves us.
We've found that you just have to willing to
walk through your fears and let go of that bar that
you've been holding onto so that you can move on to
the next part of your life.
There's just no other way.
Making the Connection. .
.
As human beings, one of our deepest desires is a
connection with other people. This connection means
something different to each one of us.
It doesn't matter whether you're talking about
an intimate relationship or one between friends or
co-workers--we all want to connect with other
people.
We define a connected relationship as one where
there is strong trust between two people. There is
unconditional love and acceptance, even when there
is disagreement.
A connection with another is created by focusing
on that relationship, giving it the time,
importance and energy of something that you
value.
It's also created by honoring the other person,
wherever they are on their path.
In order to create a truly connected
relationship, you have to get your ego needs out of
the way. This can take the form of pursuing power
over another or insisting on being "right," no
matter what.
In order to have a connected relationship, we
think there has to be a balance of power and
vulnerability between the two people. This is why
we believe that the best way to have this balance
is to practice spiritual partnerships, where you
come together with another as equals, for each
person's personal and spiritual growth. You then
can allow yourself to show vulnerability, revealing
those inner-most parts of yourself that you usually
hide.
In our relationship, if we have not spent as
much time together as we normally do or if we have
not spent time talking about our inner-most
thoughts but focus instead on daily events, our
connection isn't as strong with each other.
As soon as we realize that this distance has
come between us. we take the time to reconnect.
The way we do this is to stop our "busyness,"
look at one another, hold one another, and talk
about what is really in our hearts. One of the most
important ways that we reconnect is to sit very
close to one another and look into the other's soul
through their eyes. We take our time and connect
from the solar plexus and the heart.
Not only does "busyness" cause a disconnection
in relationships, but also fear and apathy create
separation.
If there's a person in your life that you would
like to have a deeper connection with but don't at
the present time, it may be because of fear.
Take some time this week and look at where the
fear is coming from underneath the surface.
Where is the mistrust? Where is the belief that
your needs won't be met? Is it possible that what
is holding you back is "old stuff" from a previous
relationship?
As we've said before, if it wasn't for fear,
we'd all have outstanding relationships in every
corner of our lives.
We recognize that it takes both people desiring
to have a deeper connection in order it to really
happen. But we also feel that one person can make a
difference.
So, take one small step to deepen a relationship
by simply listening with an open, non-judgemental
heart to the other person. Share something that you
haven't shared with him or her before.
Set aside the fear and take a chance. If you
want deep, connected relationships, you have to be
willing to work through the fears.
Dealing with emotions as
they come up
Recently, we rented the video version of "The
Legend of Bagger Vance," the Robert Redford movie
about moving past your fears to find your true
purpose in life.
Most people think the movie is about golf but we
think it's about much more than a game. It's about
a man's relationship with himself, the woman he
loved and moving beyond painful experiences from
his past.
Using a golf tournament during the Depression as
a backdrop, the film's main character, Rannulph
Junuh, was forced to deal with his buried emotions.
These emotions were so painful that they had caused
him to retreat into his shell, becoming estranged
from himself, the woman he loved and the game he
loved. He had lost his purpose for living.
Bagger Vance was the man who showed up in the
dark of the night to gently lead Junuh through his
fears and shadows. In the role of the Junuh's caddy
during the tournament, Bagger urged him to find his
true "authentic swing"--in other words, his true
purpose for living.
When Junuh was faced with traumatic flashbacks
from the past, he moved into a frozen pattern of
helplessness. Only when he found the strength to
deal with his emotions of this painful situation
and move on, was he able to open himself up
emotionally and find love, romance and happiness in
his life.
This is a great example of what some of us do
when we haven't properly dealt with painful
emotions and issues. We shut down our emotions and
freeze--just like the deer in the headlights.
We've learned that not only do we freeze, like
Junuh did, but we can also do other things to
distract us from feeling painful emotions.
Karla McLaren in her tape series "Emotional
Genius" says that we do many things to keep from
feeling emotions that are painful. These can
include over eating, over exercising, over
drinking, over spending or simply reaching for that
piece of chocolate when things are going wrong or
crazy.
So what do you do to numb the feelings when
they're too painful to deal with in the moment?
This week we invite you to try something
different. When things get crazy and you find
yourself reaching for that chocolate chip cookie,
that drink, that cigarette, or that remote control,
take a moment to try to discover what unexpressed
emotion needs to be dealt with.
Try to identify your feeling, acknowledge it,
give yourself permission to feel that emotion and
allow that feeling to move on.
By acknowledging that feeling instead of
stuffing it down with some substance, you will be
surprised how this will help you and your
relationships. By acknowledging your emotions when
they come up, and by talking about them with your
spouse, partner or friend, they lose their
emotional charge. We've discovered that when
emotions aren't dealt with when they arise, they
usually come up later in uglier ways.
So we urge you to not bury your emotions but
deal with them as they come up. When you do, we
believe that you will totally eliminate resentments
which can come between you and those in your
life.
©2001 by Susie & Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
The intense happiness of our union is derived in
a high degree from the perfect freedom with which
we each follow and declare our own impressions. -
George Eliot
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